Original subtitles

(Traffic noise)

(Honking)

(Honking)

JAY: Dear Matt.

I’m leaving the band.

As you know, I’ve been watching the hit ABC series Lost,

and it’s taught me something.

Everybody has a destiny.

I used to think that my destiny was to play a show with you

at the Rivoli, but lately...

I’m not so sure.

I mean, look at what’s happening, Matt.

Every time we try to get a show

something goes wrong at the last second.

It can’t all be happening by accident.

(Subway roaring)

And I’m not talking about a sign from God.

I’m talking about a sign from Jesus Christ.

(Subway dinging)

(Intercom chattering)

I know all of this sounds crazy...

but Matt, you’re too optimistic

You don’t see the world the way I do.

I don’t know, if you watched Lost...

you’d understand.

I’m sorry for bringing this up on Canada Day.

Your friend, Jay.

♪

Hello.

Yeah, table for two.

(Chattering)

Just the table just right here.

Have a seat, please.

Yeah, this is fine, this is great.

(Sighing)

(Chattering)

(Sighing)

HOSTESS: Welcome to Mandarin!

MATT: Hi, I’m meeting my friend.

- Okay, right there. - Thank you.

Jay!

Hey!

Jay Jay!

(Laughing) Sorry I’m late.

- Happy Canada Day. - Happy Canada Day.

You know what?

I was about 25 blocks away watching Autumn Sonata.

There’s this incredible line where Ingrid Bergman says,

"I could always live in my art, but never in my life."

Hi, how are you?

Happy Canada Day!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

I bawled for 25 blocks.

- I just cried. - Yeah.

Can you imagine a thing like that?

Yeah. (Chuckling)

That’s fun.

Uh, no, actually, what I wanted to do is I wanted to talk to you

and get you sort of like... um...

You’re acting quite bizarre, can I just say?

- Yeah. - Is it Canada Day?

The stress has gotten to you?

Little bit.

Okay, sure, what do you want?

Well, I wanted to read you this letter.

This is a letter for me?

Yeah, and I’m gonna read it out loud to you.

You know what? I’ll tell you what.

Let’s get a plate of food,

and then you can read me the letter, okay?

Yeah, okay, let’s hit the buffet.

’Kay, come on, let’s get a quick bite.

Mmm!

Come on, come on!

Buffet, we’re hitting the buffet.

♪

(Chinese singing)

♪

Get some golden fried chicken wings.

Okay, but I already have like a couple on here.

I can pack one more, just because it’s for Canada!

Oh yeah, get the splinters out.

To get the splinters out.

That’s a good style.

So what, should we say grace?

Um...

Let’s say grace.

Just put the... put the chopsticks down for a second.

I wanna-- I wanna challenge you to something.

- Just hear me out. - Yeah?

Imagine...

being completely at peace.

Can you hold that thought, and just let me read this?

And then what I’m saying is--

- Wha-- - Smile!

Smile!

Okay. (Nervous laughing)

Alright!

- Yeah. - Hey, thanks a lot!

Okay, good, thank you.

(Nervous laughing)

I guess ’cause we look like a good pair of friends?

What?

Why did he have an old camera?

It is full-- It is weird, but you know what?

When you’re on a weird adventure,

weird things will happen.

It’s-- Maybe it’s a sign about, like,

us being friends or something?

He pointed at us and he said we look like good friends, yeah.

I don’t know.

I need full, undivided attention right now.

Ah, oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

I’m outta noodles.

Ah!

You know, light is reflecting off of the bare plate.

Okay, well, let’s just forget about this for a second.

Yeah, but it’s blinding me!

I can’t even get the plate to the...

’Kay, I gotta fill this plate.

I’m gonna start-- Matt, come on!

Dude, you gotta get more noodles too!

Come on, let’s get quick noodles--

No, I don’t need anymore noodles.

I don’t need anymore noodles, okay?

But I do, so fuck him and fuck you too.

Eminem. I’ll be back.

Can I read the first half of this?

Yeah, go ahead.

You read it, I’m gonna be at the buffet.

Mmm!

(Smooching)

♪

♪

(Singing in Chinese)

♪

♪

Bird, what are you getting there?

Hey! Where were you?

Ah, vegetable spring roll.

Mix it with the plum...

Thank you.

You want some... best fr--

(Laughing)

Look at this!

That’s a weird typo!

What?!

I thought it said "best fried rice", but...

it’s just a typo.

Best friend rice?

What is...

It’s "best fried rice"!

The best friends who are standing right here?

We’re sitting-- about to eat it together?

That’s bizarre.

Period, the end.

Let’s go eat.

Let’s go sit down, and then we’ll--

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

That’s crazy.

Best friend rice.

You know, the Tibetans...

say that...

China.

- When we’re eating... - Mandarin’s China.

Look, I’m saying this is a Tibetan story.

Or you don’t mention Tibet?

I think that China and Tibet have something going on,

and it’s not... not pretty.

- Anyway... - You know what I wanna try?

One solid minute of just eating.

- Look... - Let’s just do--

I would rather if you could just let me

read you this letter, okay?

Let me just read you the letter, how ’bout?

You don’t have the courage?

Are you afraid of what you might find out

in one silent minute alone with me?

You wanna do one minute of eating?

One solid minute of eating, okay?

It’s a polite, sweet, solid minute of eating.

No Jerry Lewis, or the Will Smith playing with the food.

Nothing, okay?

It’s the food on the sticks--

I mean, it’s a minute of eating, I have it.

- You understand eating? - Yes, I understand it!

- Excuse me, could you-- - Just approximate it.

Could you tell us when one minute is up?

Yes.

Okay, ready?

And go.

(Chattering)

Oh, there’s a couple fighting over there.

Couple’s fighting?

- Yeah. - What do you mean?

This girl is...

- Laying into him? - Really mad.

- Ripping him up? - Yeah.

Tearing him up? Is she shredding him?

- I don’t know what-- - It’s not in English?

- Oh yeah, it’s not. - She’s ripping him?

- She’s standing up. - Is she getting ripped?

I’m gonna look.

I have a mirror in my hat, I have a mirror in my hat.

Ah fuck, no I don’t.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

God damn!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Do you-- Could you understand what they were saying?

They were speaking Chinese, right?

What was it?

Damn!

- Thank you. - No problem.

Huh!

Thank you, thank you.

Okay.

She said that he’s too optimistic.

That’s horrifying!

(Chattering)

Look at the big fish.

Man, those are big effing fish.

In the-- In that-- In that tank,

which one are you and which one are me?

I think, well, they’re both--

You can maybe give me some banal answers,

but I’ll tell you: I think we’re both the white ones.

And I mean that because we’re white skinned.

It’s as deep as that.

People like to talk about race meaning nothing these days.

I think it means more than it ever has.

Can I actually read you my letter?

(Laughing)

I was reminded of a funny joke.

It-- It-- May I tell it to you?

Alright, listen.

- Matt? - Mmm?

I’ve done a lot of thinking.

Yes?

And while this is tough...

- Ooh. - ...to say, I...

Let’s do dessert.

Before dessert.

Let’s do dessert.

How ’bout this?

- I read this now... - Yep.

...’cause I think it’s gonna need some processing.

Ah... I need to have dessert.

Oh my god, I’m having a blood sugar... what’s it called?

The diabetes, it’s got me?

I have to have a Jell-O?

They have Jell-O here?

Yes, man!

’Kay, I’ll tell you what.

I’m gonna get one Jell-O.

- Let’s get it, come on. - First round of dessert.

And then we’re gonna read the letter.

- And then we’re gonna-- - Yes, okay, okay, Jell-O.

I can do it.

Going for Jell-O.

Oh, these are cute.

Okay, alright, great.

What’d you get?

You ol’ birdie.

Come on, dude.

I got a waffle with whipped cream,

chocolate creme pie, cupcake, a kiwi tart,

vanilla ice cream, Jell-O strawberry, Jell-O orange,

and another chocolate topping I found over there.

Great, okay.

(Chattering)

Oh, I love Jell-O.

- I ate too much. - What a horr--

- Oh, thank you very much. - Thank you so much.

Do you eat the cookie first, or read the fortune first?

I don’t care for the cookie.

It said, "Ships are the great-- gr--"

No, "Ship... Ship is the greatest treasure."

Ships are the greatest treasure.

Yeah, that is your definition of Chinese,

like not quite getting it right!

(Laughing)

But what’s yours say?

I don’t care, it doesn’t matter, I don’t--

It’s very bad luck and insulting to the restaurant.

It’s not bad luck.

It is, you have a fortune sitting there.

Listen, if I get a fortune,

I’m not superstitious, but I’m the type of guy--

"Before money and fame, friend."

"Before money and fame, friend."

Oh, wait a second.

Holy (Bleep), look at that.

Look at that.

What does that say?

Four, eight, 15, 16, 23, 42!

That’s Hurley’s numbers that he wins the lottery on.

They’re always saying those numbers in that crank-ass show!

"Before money and fame,

friendship is the greatest treasure."

Holy shit.

That’s a sign from God, isn’t it?

Huh.

Jesus.

(Bittersweet music)

(Slowed down) That’s a sign from - Jesus.

♪

You know what?

I would say that was probably our best Canada Day yet.

(Laughing)

Ah!

You wanted to read me a letter.

Yeah, no, forget about the letter.

What do you mean forget about the letter?

You been trying to read it to me this whole time!

Read it, I’m gonna order another drink.

(Lost musical sting)

♪

You know what? I’ve been rude.

You’ve been trying to read me this letter, just--

Hey, forget about the letter. Let’s get outta here.

Let’s go play GoldenEye, huh?

What’d you mean, forget about the letter?

Complex, pistols, License to Kill!

No, let’s play -10 health

so the body armour still does something.

Fine.

Read me the letter.

All it was, it just says, "Great--"

Okay, I’ll read it, I’ll read it, I’ll read it, I’ll read it.

(Chattering)

Matt, um...

Um...

(Clearing throat)

Matt.

Uh...

Boy, we’ve certainly had a lot of fun over the years,

and we’ve been on this incredible journey together,

and I almost am afraid of when it’ll end,

because I’m having so much fun...

on this journey.

I’m very happy to go to the ends of the earth with you.

I hope the future brings us...

great fortune.

May it bring us good fortune.

Um...

Your friend, Jay.

That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever written to me.

Well, as I said, I put a lot of effort into it, so...

This is the greatest Canada Day of my life.

You know, I would say all in all...

Well, hold on.

- I gotta-- - Hold on a second.

Grabbing... (Laughing)

Yeah, but... that’s my letter.

- You wrote it to me. - No, not really.

- I want-- Let me have it. - What are you doing?

You’re taking my letter! This is special.

Yeah, but I wanna frame it!

Of course it’s special!

You wrote it, and I’d love to read it.

It’s for me, it’s got my name on the envelope...

- Hey! - I’m reading it.

No.

No, no, no.

You’re embarrassing yourself right now.

Come on, let it go.

- No, now you’re-- - Let the letter go.

We’re just gonna sit down, and we’re gonna just--

I’ll tell you what, tell you what.

We’ll both let go at the exact same time.

BOTH: One, two, three.

Jay, let go.

Get out of here, you’re just embarrassing yourself!

(Glass shattering)

Okay, okay.

We’re just gonna quickly let it go, okay?

Okay, happy Canada Day.

(Panting)

(Laughing)

I feel so...

(Laughing)

♪

Oh my god.

Sorry! (Laughing)

Sorry.

- No, we’re okay! - Sorry, sorry.

Okay, yeah, we will.

I don’t even remember what we were fighting about.

- We’re sorry, sorry. - It was the letter.

- Right, give me that. - No!

Give me the letter, give it to me!

You’re gonna get this guy mad, dude.

Okay, okay.

We’re fine.

Thank you, bye!

Sorry!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Whoa!

Sorry!

♪

♪

(Bittersweet music)

♪

Well, I wanted to read you this letter.

Let’s get a plate of food, and then you can read me the letter.

Yeah, okay, let’s hit the buffet.

Get some golden fried chicken wings.

Okay, but I already have like a couple on here.

I can pack one more, just because it’s for Canada!

♪

♪

Where’s... Matt?

♪

Excuse me, would you do me a favour?

This is gonna sound very weird, but my friend and I are sitting

at a table over there...

- Okay. - Right.

♪

Bird, what are you getting there?

Hey! Where were you?

Ah, vegetable spring roll.

♪

(Camera snapping)

♪

Just go and give it to that table over there.

♪

Would you mind reading this

when this couple is gonna get in a fight?

♪

One last chance.

I got one more trick up my sleeve!

(Cheering)

Is it possible to make a fortune cookie

with my own little message in it?

Really?

(Fireworks exploding)

Holy (Bleep), look at that.

Look at that.

"Before money and fame,

friendship is the greatest treasure."

♪

♪

(Cheerful music)

(GoldenEye music playing)

No radar.

(GoldenEye music playing)

(Clicking sounds)

This is for everything, right?

This is for everything.

This is-- This is for everything, right?

Right?

- Right. - Right?

(GoldenEye music playing)

Okay.

It’s not for everything.

Well, what is it?

Is it for everything or not for everything?

You don’t wanna make it for everything.

This one’s for everything.

(Gunshots)

Oh yeah.

(Gunshots) Bitch.

I’ll re-up on the body armour.

Ah, ’cause you’re a little bitch.

A body armour bitch! B-B-B-B-B!

Wanna make this everything?

Ah, you wanna make this for everything, huh?

You wanna run at me?

You wanna run me, huh, bitch?!

I’m getting some more body armour, bitch.

Oh, fucker!

If there’s one thing GoldenEye taught me,

it’s that you want a gun.

- Oh, you want a gun. - You just want a gun.

You know what’d be awesome?

- If we... - Ah, I saw your hand!

Fuck!

♪