Original subtitles

(Sound glitching)

Jay!

I have no Kleenex left!

Hot soup!

Hot soup.

How many times have you been in the toilet, and it’s like--

It’s hot!

I got sick.

- Hot soup. - Jay made me soup.

Know what it is?

It’s just broth and dill.

Where’s the chicken?

Didn’t have any.

Well, what the fuck is this then?

It’s good, it’s good for you.

How? The whole idea is the chicken in it.

Eat it.

(Slurping)

Alright, so what do you wanna do today?

You know what, I thought because I’m sick...

we could have a video game day!

(Heart beating)

(Sound glitching)

- Birdy? - No!

(Spoon clanging)

I’m sorry.

No, let’s just-- let’s rehearse.

Alright, sure, we’ll rehearse.

Okay, we’ll do-- we’ll do...

something about you-- you’re sick.

We’ll do-- We’ll use it.

And I’m at the Sick Kids Hospital,

and I have the Make-A-Wish.

(Blowing)

And we do the story of the character with the Make-A-Wish.

Yeah.

(Piano playing)

What do I want for my wish?

Hmm.

Um, I guess...

(Piano playing)

...I’d love to play a show at the Rivoli.

(Piano playing)

Okay, so... looking for a nephew.

- Or a niece or cousin. - Cousin.

Hey guys, is this the children’s wing in here?

I believe so.

Okay, hey, thank you.

(Buzzing)

Go, go, go.

Yeah, okay, so be very calm and cool.

(Panting)

We’re supposed to be here, we’re supposed to be here.

(Chattering)

- Hi. - Hi.

How you doing?

We’re just looking for my cousin.

(Chuckling)

Just stick to one.

If it’s gonna be your cousin, it’s your cousin the whole time.

- If it’s your nephew-- - Right, okay.

All these-- All these people have their parents with them.

Hi, how you doing?

Like you can’t-- How we gonna get a kid out

with their parents right here?

We gotta find somebody without their parents.

There’s so many parents, supportive parents.

Like I thought (Sound glitching) there was just kids in here.

Wait, you were the one who pitched me on--

That kid over there.

That kid over there doesn’t have any parents.

Let’s just check him out.

Yeah, okay, alright, yeah.

Hi.

- Hey, man! - Hey.

Are-- Are you here with your parents?

So she’s not around right now, eh?

What’s your name?

Hey, I’m Matt. Nice to meet you.

’Sup, Michael?

Pretty-- Pretty boring in this hospital, huh?

Yep.

What do you think about getting out of here, having some fun?

We work for the hospital,

and we take people on like day adventures.

Oh, sure.

Like what do you think about that?

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Okay, but I’m not sure about this kid’s ticker.

Yeah, we’re just talking to--

- Yeah. - That’s our cousin.

(Laughing)

Okay, Mike, we’re getting you outta here.

We gotta do this fast.

These nurses, they don’t know how to treat you, right?

Um, so...

Okay, so the question is are we gonna risk this kid’s life

for the chance to play the Rivoli?

Well, yeah, but--

(Beeping)

- Let’s go. - Okay.

Come on, let’s go.

Just get the wheelchair and let’s go, let’s do this quick.

(Whistling)

Okay, go on.

Good, get in the chair, okay.

Let’s go, we’re going now!

We’re going, we’re going, we’re going, we’re going!

♪

♪

(Honking)

(Piano playing)

Alright, Mike, you having fun?!

Yeah.

- So far pretty good, right? - Yeah, yeah.

How long-- We got about maybe an hour or something, right?

To make you our best friend?

Let’s make it fun and light-hearted.

Yeah, this is fun, right?

I’m just thinking!

People tell me that I am the best at relating to kids.

Which is hard, because you’re-- I don’t even...

I can’t, uh...

Uh...

You wanna see a little bit of the band?

Sure.

- Are you interested in us? - Sure.

You wanna see some of the band?

- You wanna see a show? - Yeah, that seems interesting.

Okay, so we’re called Nirvanna The Band, and let’s--

Where is everyone?

What do you mean where is everyone?

The rest of the people, the band?

Oh, this is just the band!

- It’s Jay and I. - This is everybody, yeah.

Jay on piano, and I’m doing vox.

What’s vox?

For some reason, when you become an adult,

that’s what they call singing.

- Yeah. - Okay...

I think The Cranberries or The Cardigans started it.

- It’s slang. - The Cranberries?

You don’t know The Cranberries?

Zombie?

It’s okay.

So in Ireland, there was a massive disagreement between

the Catholics and the non-Catholics, and it makes

what’s happening right now in the Middle East look like, uh...

No, other way around.

Like you can’t believe that they were fighting about that.

Hey, why don’t we-- why don’t we--

The rest of us were watching it being like,

"What the heck are you... doing?"

MIKE: Mm-hmm.

"Everybody here is white.

Why are you fighting about anything?"

Yeah, I don’t-- Yeah, I don’t get that.

- Exactly, it’s crazy. - Mm-hmm.

This is a ’90s problem, and it’s not that fun.

So maybe Michael wants to hear me whistle?

(Sighing)

- This is not working. - What?

What did we like when we were this age?

What did we like? Let’s have a meeting.

- Uh... - Come on.

Mike, stay there for just one second.

We’re fucking this up.

We are fucking this up, alright?

’Cause how are we gonna get to make a wish

if he doesn’t like us?

He doesn’t like us.

So we gotta take it up a notch.

Take it up a notch, exactly, take it up a notch.

Some fun.

Okay, how do we take it up a notch?

What’s fun?

Do you wanna know what I think?

What?

Video game day.

(Sound glitching)

Birdy?

(Sound glitching) ...Canada’s Wonderland...

No, we can’t-- we can’t go to Wonderland.

What are you talking about?

- Wait, Wonderland? - What?

- Wonderland! - No.

We go to Canada’s Wonderland!

- No, no, no. - That’s incredible!

We can’t go to Wonderland!

He’s gonna fucking love it! Every kid loves Wonderland!

The rides, rollercoasters, everything!

Wheelchair, he’s in a wheelchair.

He’s like a cripple, he can’t walk.

Ah, we’d be the guys.

(Gasping)

- What?! - The fuck is that?!

- You can stand up? - Yes.

Oh, you don’t need the wheelchair, huh?

No.

Okay, but he still can’t go.

You can’t take a kid to Canada’s Wonderland in their pyjamas.

(Grunting)

He’s got those long pyjama pants, all baggy.

Wearing pants, baby.

They’ll get caught in the... in the rides.

♪

- Let’s-- Just careful. - Yeah, I’m careful!

- Don’t make ’em too short! - These are shorts now, baby!

♪

Alright!

Yes!

This is it!

Canada’s Wonderland, biggest amusement park...

(Heart beating)

(Sound glitching)

Bird, come on, man! Let’s go!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Matt, wait!

I’m good! We’re taking our friend Michael out.

He’s on a day off from the hospital.

Wow!

Now that’s a cool guy.

That was a bit disorienting on me.

Let’s ride this, Skyflyer.

We’ll go beside each other, let’s go.

I don’t know.

Jay, are you really not coming?

Yeah, I’m-- I’m not getting on that ride.

So Mike, I think the way it works is we go,

and then this lets you fly!

Yep.

- Okay, so you just rock-- - Hey, Michael!

Canada’s Wonderland, you can pinch yourself

a million different ways.

Guys, I’m telling you...

Bird, you’re being a bit of a buzz kill.

Make sure you don’t fly right off of the... of the ride.

This is not your problem.

Let’s just worry about us having fun together today.

What do you think?

Sometimes being a bit scared can be a part of the fun!

No.

Bird, are you forgetting the whole-- the plan?

My mom told me a million pinching stories.

I can see one right now.

Nothing’s gonna pinch us, man, come on!

(Grunting)

Let him off! He wants off the ride!

- Hurry, please. - No, he’s fine!

He doesn’t wanna get off the ri-- Mike!

D’ah, Jesus, bird.

What the fuck are you doing?

Can I talk to you for one second?

- Hold on a second. - Yeah, what?

You remember the plan, right?

Do you remember the plan?

Take it up a notch.

What did we say?

This was your idea, remember?

Take it up a notch, that’s how you get the wish!

Look at this guy! How you doing, man?

Pretty safe park, right?

Exactly, so calm the fuck down!

You’re gonna ruin the whole fucking plan, alright?!

Mike, look at this!

Okay, where do you wanna sit, buddy?

Over there?

Huh, where?

Over there?

Yeah, oh yeah, free table.

(Screaming)

Mmm!

This is amazing!

Oh my god.

I think the smartest thing to do is maybe

follow this up with three bananas.

- That way our... - Three bananas?

Our stomach is nice and still.

Do you wanna eat a banana after this, Mike?

Fuck no!

Mmm!

’Kay...

How do you feel, dude?

Terrified.

You’re gonna do great, buddy, don’t worry.

Hey, guys?

I just wanna let you know that my mom told me that at the back,

you feel the most G forces.

Because when you go over the dip, it pulls you the hardest.

Okay, but you know what, G forces are fun.

Yes?

You’re freaking him out!

It’s just at the back, you feel the most G force.

Why don’t you drop it, man?

You are literally fucking this plan up!

All I’m saying is that you feel the most G force at the back.

Right, it’s called taking it up!

A notch!

Take it up a notch, okay, yeah, alright.

(Laughing)

- Okay. - Okay.

Yep, alright.

That’s another pinching hazard right there, see?

- Almost got pinched. - Woo!

Wave at the people, Mike!

Keep your hands on the-- on the--

Yeah!

Oh boy...

Uh, Mike, I thought...

So basically, the Rivoli won’t let us play a show

because they hate us.

- Do you understand? - No.

And so what we need is somebody to do us a big favour.

We need somebody who can, uh, basically almost do a miracle!

If only there was somebody we knew who was a friend

who could get us a wish, you know what I mean?

Like some kind of wish situation is what I mean.

Uh, I don’t know if you know anything about that, but--

(Screaming)

(Sound glitching)

(Laughing)

(Sound glitching)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

Wanna go get splashed by the big water, Mike?

Alright.

Come on.

So the way this works, is as this thing comes down,

it makes a huge gigantic splash.

We gotta run at the last second.

That’s what cool kids do, right?

No, no, no, this is a bad idea.

No, look, they’re pumping stuff into the water.

- It’s like drugs! - It’s water.

I’m telling you, my mom told me this.

Stop talking about your mom!

(Echoing) Mom... Mom... Mom...

(Heart beating)

(Slowed) My mom told me a million pinching stories.

My mom told me that at the back, you feel the most G forces.

My mom said follow this up with three bananas.

My mom told me.

Another little piece of trivia: my mom told me that somebody

lost their mind at Canada’s Wonderland.

(Super Mario World music)

(Video game sounds)

Ooh, dragon decided to come!

Yay!

(Video game sounds)

Om!

(Video game sounds)

MOM: Okay, Jay, I’m off.

(Video game sounds)

What are you doing?

Video game day.

Video game day?

Is that what you said?

Yeah.

Oh.

- Well, guess what? - What?

You’re not having a video game day.

That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life!

Look at you!

You look like a zombie sitting there!

This is going off right now.

VOICE: Canada’s Wonderland is a day like no other...

If you think you’re playing video games all day,

you better pinch yourself!

(Echoing) Yourself... Yourself... Yourself...

I mean, come on!

Those things are as addictive as drugs!

(Echoing) Drugs... Drugs...

I know a kid who lost his mind playing video games.

(Echoing) Mind... Mind...

From the G forces from sitting too close to the screen!

And what are those doing there?

Why do you have three bananas?

(Echoing) Bananas... Bananas...

VOICE: Come for the day of your life today

at Canada’s Wonderland.

(Echoing) Wonderland... Wonderland...

MOM: Are you even listening to me?

Canada’s Wonderland...

MOM: I can’t believe this, three bananas?!

(Dramatic music)

♪

♪

♪

I had it wrong!

I’m fine!

I told you you’d be fine!

I wanna party! I wanna go on that one!

Let’s go on that right now!

Alright, Jay! Let’s go, let’s go!

(Cheering)

We got Jay back!

He went through something, he learned a lesson!

Now he’s regular Jay!

BOTH: Whoa!

(Laughing)

Woo!

Mike, we’re taking it up a notch!

♪

(Bell ringing)

Shoot it, Mike!

Go for it, yes!

♪

See this, Mike?

We call it video game day!

♪

Woo!

JAY: You think this is fun?

MIKE: Yeah.

JAY: If only we knew somebody that had a wish that could--

(Screaming)

(Sound glitching)

Woohoohoo! Woo!

Okay, let’s do it again, let’s do it again!

- Right, Mike? - We’re going again?

You feeling okay? Feeling good?

- I’m tired. - Tired?

That’s okay, tired’s fine!

I’m ready to go five more times!

Come on, come on, Mike, we’re going again!

Jay!

Jay, what are you doing? Come on, man, come on!

Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!

We gotta go, we gotta go, come on!

(Dramatic music)

(Slowed) There’s a lot of writing about this kid’s ticker.

- Ticker stuff? - Yeah, tick.

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, time’s ticking, let’s go.

♪

I think something’s wrong with his ticker.

- Whose ticker? - Michael’s ticker.

It was when I was looking at his charts.

But if-- But if he dies, we don’t get the wish.

We gotta take it down a notch!

We gotta stop this.

We gotta take it down a notch!

Okay, wh-- Mike, Mike!

- Where’d he go? - Where is he?

- Mike! - Mike?

Michael!

Come on, Mike!

Oh, there he is, there he is!

- (Bleep). - Oh my god.

- Michael! - Mike!

Mike, oh my god!

Mike, Mike, come on, man!

Are you okay, you okay?

It’s fine, it’s fine! (Nervous laughing)

Nothing to see, he’s just having a nap.

We killed him, he’s dead, he had a heart attack!

Oh my god, he’s gone! Goddamnit! Goddamn!

We just gotta get him up, and that’ll be it, okay?

Okay, you’re alive, you gotta get up.

We gotta get this kid outta here.

Matt, Matt, we gotta get this kid...

♪ Where are we?

♪ What the hell

♪ Is going on?

(Slowed) Okay, Mike, we’re getting you outta here.

Here’s the story: we didn’t kidnap anybody!

- The fuck is that?! - Whoa, you can stand up?

MIKE: Yes!

See, now these are gonna be shorts!

Okay, Jay, you get us the Hawaiian shirts.

Baz Luhrmann, Romeo + Juliet.

I think we have the tape somewhere.

♪ Sinking feeling

Alright.

Oh my god, this is gonna be the best day ever!

♪ Mmm whatcha say?

♪ Mmm that you only meant well? ♪

♪ Well of course you did

♪ Mmm whatcha say?

♪ Mmm that it’s all for the best? ♪

♪ Of course it is

♪ Mmm whatcha say?

♪ Mmm that it’s just what we need? ♪

♪ You decided this

♪ Whatcha say?

♪ Mmm what did you say?

♪ Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth... ♪

(Sad piano playing)

(Sad piano playing)

(Sighing)

He’s dead.

Yeah, he...

Matt, he’s dead.

Sad-- Sad thing is...

It’s sad, it’s kind of disgusting to say...

What?

We probably had... the wish.

- Matt. - I-- I know.

- Come on. - I know!

- Michael’s dead. - Yeah, I know!

It’s just-- It’s awful to say, but...

I’m not thinking about that right now.

- I’m not thinking it. - I’m thinking about Michael.

I’m not saying it!

What I’m saying is: is it crazy that we had that wish?

He was gonna give us that wish.

The wish was ours.

Can we be real-- Can we be honest with one another?

If we were gonna be honest with each other right now...

And I am prepared to be.

Well, the day that we gave that...

That was the greatest day of that kid’s life.

He was hanging off me!

He was calling me Dad!

He was a nice kid.

Nice kid?

Nice friends!

Right, it-- it actually ended up being more wholesome than we...

Oh my god, and you did the whole thing with your mom.

You got over this massive personal boundary.

Here’s what’s so crazy: I had forgotten about the wish

until the... right now!

Now what are they doing, trying to figure out

what his dying wish was?

They’re gonna be looking for that wish forever!

Where does the wish go anyway?

Where does the wish go?

You don’t just give a wish and then not grant it.

The kid had a wish.

Well, what are they gonna do?

They want someone like us to call and say,

"Hey, we know what he... wished for."

Not only do we have an idea, we know!

We know!

In a way, it’s sort of respecting...

How much you wanna bet if we were to call, it’d be like this:

"Uh, yeah, what was the wish? Okay, thank you," chhk.

Two second call.

Hi, I’m calling about a patient that you have there

at the hospital named Michael (Bleep).

Yeah, we have some information...

Michael (Bleep).

Right.

Okay, yeah, sure, thank you.

(Sighing) Oh my god...

Hey, Mike!

How you doing? We’re call...

Whoa, oh!

♪

Hey guys!

BOTH: You’re alive?!

- Yeah! - What the hell?!

We thought you were dead!

We thought you were a goner!

Like John Connor!

I don’t even know what that is.

It’s complicated, but I can explain it simply.

- John Connor... - Skynet.

...is the leader of the human resistance

against the cyborg army started by Skynet.

He’s like an aluminum skeleton.

Not John Connor.

John Connor’s just a kid, and in fact in T2, he’s a...

And John Connor was invented by Skynet.

No, Skynet did not invent John Connor!

It’s... subtext.

It’s not subtext at all!

John Connor leads the human resistance

against the terminators!

In the future, Skynet...

Okay, so Skynet...

A computer programmer creates...

I guess it’s artificial intelligence, but not really.

Just get off of Terminator!

- So wait a minute, you-- - He’s like six years old!

I’m 12!

- Hey guys! - How you doing?

Sorry, Michael’s blood sugar was actually really elevated

this evening, so we’re treating him with DKA now

and he really needs his rest, so...

DKA, what’s that mean?

Why is that a problem?

Uh, it’s because he’s diabetic,

and we don’t really know what happened to be honest.

We don’t know why tonight his sugars were super high.

(Laughing)

(Slowed) You know what? There’s a lot of sugar...

(Coughing) Lotta sugar in this.

He’s diabetic.

Okay, thank you so much.

We’ll be gone in a sec, we’re just saying goodbye.

Mike, we thought you had a heart attack!

- No. - So have you...

You ever heard of the children’s Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Yeah.

Do you have one of those wishes?

No.

You never had a wish?

No.

If I did have a wish,

it would be for you guys to play at the Rivoli.

(Bittersweet music)

Can we still hang out?

♪

- We just get outta here. - Run?

Yeah, run, never talk to him again.

Okay.

♪

John, people are talking about what we’re doing out here

every day, especially since we never come back with anything.

(Phone ringing)

JOHN: Plenty of fruit and fish to go around.

But what’s the point of it?

Like what do they do?

We’re finding out!

- It’s like Survivor? - Piece by piece.

It’s like the whole story is unraveling right now.

But it doesn’t make any sense!

- This guy, now he-- - Shhh!

I thought last week--

They found a hatch on the island!

A hatch on the island!

Hi, how you doing?

I’m trying to book a reservation for two for my friend and I

for a special Canada Day dinner.

Canada-- So tomorrow, tomorrow night.

Don’t know what Canada Day is.

Yep.

I think... Hey, bird?

- What do you think, 6:00-- - Shhh!

Yeah, okay, so let’s do 6:00, 6:00pm.

I can’t hear anything!

Yeah, so for two, 6:00, Mandarin.

Every year, my friend and I have a--

Uh, Nirvanna The Band.

Uh, Nirvanna... The Band.

- Oh, this is it. - Yep, Canada Day.

Sorry, say that again?

(Suspenseful music)

HOSTESS: Hello?

Hello? Hello?

(Lost sting)

♪