Original subtitles

MATT: Hold on, let’s stop so I can get an establishing shot.

JAY: Wait, wait, let’s not get any closer until, like...

Do you think-- Are we allowed to be here?

What do you mean?

You know, there’s laws about people our age at high schools.

We’ll look like pedophiles.

But we have the perfect cover!

We’re gonna say we’re making a movie about pedophiles.

This is an anti-pedophile movie.

I-I-I should-- I think we need to ask permission.

There’s children around.

We’re in, we’re out, it’s two seconds, okay?

Oh, you guys can go ahead!

We’re just making a movie for class.

You guys know Mr. Bird? He’s helping me.

Yeah, I think we can get charged just for that.

I’m outta here.

’Kay, well, I’m going to do it, so go ahead.

No, I’m-- Matt!

- So wait... - Do you know your lines?

- Did you read the script? - Yeah.

Shoot the camera from right there.

Yeah, watch, ready?

Do you guys know Mr. Plues, that gym teacher?

BOTH: No.

Well, he asked me to come play Secret of Mana with him

in the tech class.

I think I’m gonna do it, sounds pretty fun.

Sure.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

(Gasping)

JAY: Matt, what is the plot of this movie again?

Whoa, don’t go in there!

Wha-- Mr. Plues isn’t who he says he is.

You’re gonna cut this?

Yeah, it’s gonna get edited.

Uh, we’re filming something for-- for class.

Yeah, we’re just--

- Um... - We’re-- We’re in a band.

No, we’re not students. We’re making a movie, and--

No, no, we don’t.

See, I tried to tell you this, Matt.

Right, sure, we’ll go, we’ll go, we’ll go.

Oh my god, that guy was--

(Laughing)

You missed a c--

So yeah, so it worked, we shot the whole movie.

Okay, that’s it.

We’re not doing anymore sneaking around.

What’d you mean no-- What are you talking about?

No, every single plan involves sneaking somewhere!

We sneak over here, we gotta do a little sneaking there.

We’ll just-- It’s like oh, oh, where we going?

We’re sneaking somewhere!

How else are we supposed to shoot the movie,

if not by sneaking?

- That works so well. - I don’t care!

No more sneaking!

Are you serious?

All this sneaking around!

Oh, s-s-sneaking!

Oh, let’s sneak in here!

(Panting) Sneak by!

Oh, we have to hide over here, sneak around here!

And oh, oh, oh, Bird, we’re sneaking over here!

- And then we sneak around! - Right.

No more of this sneaking!

Yeah, so then I...

I’m sick of all this sneakin’!

I’ve gotten that crystal clear.

You’re gonna promise we’re not gonna do

anymore sneaking around.

I promise!

Okay?

Are we friends again?

Hey!

No, I’m gonna spend some time by myself.

What? I just promised we wouldn’t sneak around!

Hey, okay, I’ve got an idea!

What if I edit the movie so that you’re the star?

That wasn’t the plan.

Well, no, the plan is just get a movie into a big film festival,

and then we become famous, then we get a show at the Rivoli.

It doesn’t matter if I’m the star or you’re the star.

What do you mean I’m the star?

I’ll change the story!

And then imagine that, you’re the star of the Sundance film!

Everybody’s coming up to you.

"Hey, are you that guy from Operation Avalanche?"

That’s the title of-- I’m not sure how much the--

How much do you guys know?

Well, that probably takes a lot of work.

Yeah, I-- it’s just editing!

I’ll edit it, chuk-chuk-doot-doot!

The footage we got of you today?

I’ll just zip it around, zip-zip!

Snip-snip, you’re the star!

- I’m the star? - You’re the star.

(Chattering)

Or this way, same thing.

Dsh, dsh, dsh, dsh, dsh, dsh!

You know what, it’s actually gonna be quite a challenge

to make Jay the star of this movie,

because in the pl-- like that’s not the plot.

What do I do?

He’s not gonna care, right?

Birdie?

He won’t care.

I’ll just ed-- Yeah, he won’t care.

I’ll edit it the way-- Hey, you know what?

When he sees the movie, he’s gonna be like (Kissing).

Done! Jay, that’s it!

Wake up!

Bird, wake up, come on!

Jay, come on, wake up!

Dude, we gotta go to the airport, let’s go!

Why?

We got into Sundance!

Aah!

♪

♪ Yeah yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ My mind had been enabled

♪ In a memory you overflow

♪ Wanna be your superhero

♪ Even if I tumble fall

♪ I’m okay

♪ But I need you desperately

♪ You know I need you desperately ♪

♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh yeah

♪

(Plane roaring)

Yes!

How-- How did we get into the festival?

I submitted the film, withoutabox.com.

And they just liked it, and they got us in like right away?

A++, is what the review-- is what the festival--

I haven’t even seen the final cut.

Yeah, but you don’t need to see it.

I got it up there, in the... thing.

Cloud?

No, in the...

Oh.

In the thing.

How did I turn out in it?

People are gonna see you and think,

"Yeah, that is the next Adrian Grenier."

For sure.

I could be on the cover of GQ?

(Burping)

Sure.

Sure you will.

♪

♪ I’m makin’ it

♪ I’ve got the chance

♪ I’m takin’ it

♪ No more, no more

♪ Fakin’ it

♪ This time in life

♪ I’m makin’ it

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Makin’ it

This is Festival HQ, right?

- Yeah. - Oh, great.

Look at this!

- Our own hotel room? - Yeah, it’s nice.

There’s our beds!

Dibs on this one!

Well, it’s the same.

I don’t even see what makes that one better.

- They’re identical. - By the window.

’Kay, I-- give me 30 minutes.

You wanna just stay here for 30 minutes?

I’m gonna go figure out

what’s happening with our screening, okay?

No, hold on, I’ll come with you.

N-n-no, don’t. You stay here.

You know, you’re the big star, you wanna keep a low profile.

No, I wanna come and see everything!

What, do you think Emilio Estevez is

out on the street glad-handing?

You gotta be hidden.

People gonna be trying to get your autographs

and stuff like that.

You gotta work on your Q&A answers, right?

- Q&A... - Q&A, okay?

I’m gonna figure out what--

They’re gonna wanna know my origin story.

They’re gonna wanna know the Jay McCarrol story.

We’ll be right back, okay?

Okay, here we go.

Hi, sorry.

(Chattering)

What’s-- What’s screening right now?

What are they about to screen?

A sheep thing?

Where’s the projectionist?

Yeah, okay, I’m just gonna go talk for-- for one second.

(Exhaling)

(Chattering)

Hello?

Oh, hi, are you the projectionist here?

- Yes. - You know what?

I’m switching the thing that we’re screening tonight.

The filmmaker...

I am the filmmaker, and now we’re gonna screen this instead.

Like instead of the...

(Radio chattering)

Okay, great.

- Um, are you serious? - Yeah, instead of the film.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

I’m the director, I’m Matt.

- Hi, Matt. - Nice to meet you.

- What’s your name? - My name is Hans.

You work here for the festival?

But you mean instead of-- instead of The Sheep?

That’s right, instead of The Sheep.

Okay, um...

It’ll take me...

We are not set up to play a DVD or a Blu-Ray.

Right.

Um, it’ll take me a little while to just get everything...

But we can do it?

- What’s that? - But we can do it?

It’ll take a mom-- It’ll take about 10 minutes

for me to patch everything through.

Okay, so you don’t wanna-- you don’t wanna run Sheep?

Fuck Sheep!

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

Bird, let’s go!

Everything’s good, everything’s good!

It’s on right now?

We’re going in now, now, now!

- Are we on time? - We’re fine, shh!

...and most importantly, enjoy the film.

Let’s get this started.

Enjoy Sheep!

(Applause)

You ca-- Is it Sheep?

I don’t know what he said.

Programmers say all kinds of crazy-- Shh.

Wait, wait, let’s not get any closer until, like...

Do you think-- Are we allowed to be here?

(Phone ringing)

I’m a detective trying to stop the pedophiles at the school.

I’ll just have to kill them all

(Piano playing)

(Gunshots)

(GoldenEye sound effects)

Dead.

Whoa, whoa!

Did you just kill me?

(Piano playing)

Where’s my credit?

(Gunshots)

I’m dead at the beginning?

- I had to do-- - There’s no more of me.

(Paper crumpling)

But you’re still--

So we came here to go in this festival,

and I’m not in the film anymore?

But who’s leading them?

Yeah, but the movie’s great.

- Just trust me, it’s gonna-- - But I’m not in it!

That was the whole point!

We were gonna make a star out of me!

No, the point was we get a show at the Rivoli.

This is gonna get us a show, doesn’t matter if

you’re the star or I’m the star, who cares?

You’re taking it all for yourself!

It changed a little bit.

(Microphone reverbing)

Ah jeez...

What happened to my part?

Okay, I apologize, guys.

Sit down for a second.

It’s the very beginning of the movie!

Let’s talk about it after!

We agreed: I had the face, you had the body!

You said I would be a huge star from this!

What about all the shooting we did?

- Shut up, shut up! - What do you mean shut up?

I snuck the movie into the festival, okay?

We’re gonna get in big trouble.

Thank you for your patience.

- Why?! - I did it for you, okay?

- So please-- - But you betrayed me!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not betrayed!

Bird, come on, pal, I did it for us!

This is the guy who did it right here!

He snuck it in.

him.

(Crowd murmuring)

Sorry, if people wanna wait, get a drink or go to the wash--

(Chattering)

Jay!

Hey, did you-- anybody see my friend?

He’s quite tall with black hair,

and just would’ve walked out of here.

Hey, was that...

- That was your film? - No, I don’t know.

Do you work for the festival?

- I didn’t mean any troub-- - No, no, no, I’m a critic.

But that wasn’t supposed to be the film.

No, I know, I’m sorry, I...

It’s stupid, I switched with the projectionist beforehand.

Literally you snuck the film in?

Uh, yeah, I-- I snuck it in, I snuck it in.

Do you wanna talk... Would you like to do

an interview about this or something?

An interview?

Do you have some time now?

I’ve got like 20 minutes.

Yes, I have time!

♪

♪ Makin’ it

♪ Woo woo woo

Hi, I’m Matt Johnson from Toronto.

My film is Operation Avalanche,

and we snuck it into the festival.

Thank you so much!

(Applause)

We’ve had such a whirlwind between sneaking the film

into the theatre, and then like...

and then getting everybody to watch it is just--

yeah, it seems like it’s been like an hour.

(Music playing)

That was the best part of that (Bleep)ing movie.

♪ Makin’ it non-stop

♪ Out here, out here

♪ Makin’ it to the top

(Music playing)

Hey, what’s going on? Welcome to Rapid Fax.

I’m your boyfriend, George Stroumboulopoulos.

Okay, time to get to the top headlines of the day.

Maybe election stuff later, but first the big news.

So the Sundance Film Festival organizers had a huge surprise

when a Canadian - yeah, that’s right, one of our own -

actually snuck his film into the festival,

and the press went crazy!

Speaking of breaking the rules, the weirdness around

Marshall Mathers continues in his felony gun charges.

--Ben Mulroney.

First up, we’re headed to Sundance,

where a Canadian filmmaker has somehow snuck his film

into the festival and convinced them to screen it officially.

Oh my god, we’re famous!

(Loud techno music)

(Chattering)

...high school, we didn’t have permission.

Yo, I’ve always snuck things.

I mean, that’s how people know me.

They know me as The Sneaker.

I actually had a friend who was very against sneaking -

he’s an ex-friend now - and he wouldn’t take that the film was

just not gonna get into the festival without sneaking!

This guy’s so anti-sneaking you wouldn’t believe it.

The things he would say to me, that I shouldn’t sneak

this movie into the festival, sneaking was a mistake...

(Slowed down) Sneaking around gets you nowhere!

What if you have to sneak for a friend?

(Laughing)

You idiot!

You’re a sneaking bitch!

Please, I’m sorry!

(Bleep) you!

Sneaking around is never gonna pay off,

ya fat (Bleep)!

(Crying)

Sneaking can be good,

but he had a completely different perspective.

(Slowed down) How much of an idiot are you?

Moron, (Bleep)ing retard.

I’m sorry.

Ugly little (Bleep).

(Sobbing)

Look at him sneaking away.

Hope he snuck up his own ass.

Let’s get outta here.

But I’m happy now.

In fact, I couldn’t be happier.

In fact, us breaking up was probably the best thing

that ever happened to me, because now my career

and my art is starting to flourish...

(Sad piano music)

You know, he didn’t even invite me to one interview.

Yeah.

(Piano Man playing)

♪ There’s an old man...

I gotta call him, I gotta call him.

(Sighing)

(Off-key piano notes)

Hey Matt, it’s me again.

Just calling you back.

Sitting here at a piano, wish you were here.

Sorry.

♪

♪

Wait, there he is!

He’s down there!

♪ It’s 9:00 on a Saturday

Matt!

♪

Matt!

♪

♪ There’s an old man sitting next to me ♪

♪ Making love to his tonic and gin ♪

♪

Hi, how you doing? I’m a filmmaker.

Yeah, oi, we’re-- we’re at capacity.

Oh, that’s okay. My friend’s in here, and...

Matt!

Just trying to say sorry!

♪ He says son can you play me a memory ♪

♪ I’m not really sure how it goes ♪

Excuse me.

Hold on, man.

Okay, so here’s the thing: I’m trying to be nice,

but you’re starting to piss me off, okay?

We already told you that there’s a line, okay?

If you don’t listen to me, I’m gonna ask you to walk,

and I’m not letting you in, I don’t give a damn.

Okay.

I can go in?

No, you cannot go in!

♪

♪ Sing us a song, you’re the Piano Man ♪

♪ Sing us a song tonight

♪ Well we’re all in the mood for a melody ♪

♪ And you’ve got us feeling alright ♪

♪

♪ He says Bill I believe this is killing me ♪

Well, I would say go see the movie that I made, but...

I don’t even know, my friend betrayed me.

But... it’s gonna be playing soon.

Yeah.

Right there.

You guys wanna hang out or something?

We have no idea where to go.

- Alright. - This guy here.

(Laughing)

♪

JAY: Hey Matt, it’s me again.

Just calling you back, sitting here at a piano...

Oh, you got a film in this too, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what’s yours?

Operation Avalanche.

Right, right, I haven’t--

Kevin Smith, can we take a picture?

Oh, Kevin Smith!

Oh, I know you, dude!

Oh, wicked!

Lotta people think Kevin James.

(Laughing)

You are... cool and shit.

That means everything.

Thank you.

See you guys later.

So what, are you rolling by yourself,

or how are you doing this?

Movie’s playing, I’ve seen it a bunch and whatnot.

So I let them watch it, and I come out here,

grab some air and stuff.

Normally I’m with Jay, but I ain’t with Jay right now.

He fucking fucked off.

I’m in the exact same situation.

I’ve got a best friend named Jay who...

completely sold me out on this movie,

and I just said fuck him, I said forget it.

You know, fame, success magnifies what’s there.

It doesn’t put something new there,

it magnifies what’s there.

It sounds like your Jay is just a bit full of

insecurity and stuff.

And when you guys get out of the high altitude of Park City,

you’ll find out that he’s just good ol’ Jay, your buddy.

Maybe you give him the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve given my Jay the benefit of the doubt for 30 fucking years,

and he used to do fucking heroin.

Hi, how are you?

What’s up? How you doing? I’m Matt.

Would you like to trade a sip for a cigarette?

- Hey! - Is that Kevin?

Is there liquor in this?

I’ve never-- I’ve never had a drink before.

Do you think...

It’s not a joke.

No, I’m seriously not kidding.

What, do I just drink--

Just open your mouth and pour it.

Don’t-- Don’t-- There you go.

Good job.

Wow.

♪

- Whoa! - Now it’s like yee-haw!

Yee-haw?

Okay, I’ll catch up with you later.

I’m gonna-- I’m gonna hit a few parties.

Later on there.

Hey, thanks for the advice, but I mean,

if you met Jay, you’d understand what I mean.

♪

(Music playing)

(Sighing)

Wha...

Is that...

Is that Matt?

Oh sh-- Matt?

Matt!

What’s...

He’s wasted.

Get up, Matt!

Get up!

Agh, Jesus, you’re frozen!

(Phone ringing)

Um...

(Bleep).

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

No, Matt’s...

(Sighing)

Right now?

Well, I...

Tell them I’ll be there.

This is Matt Johnson.

♪

♪ I’m makin’ it

HOST: And now, back again, this time more real,

Matt Johnson, the director of Operation Avalanche!

(Applause)

(Cheering)

Hi.

I made it!

Hi, everyone, uh...

I... Oh, thanks.

I know you’re all expecting to see Matt Johnson right now,

the big star who snuck a film into Sundance...

but I’m here to tell you the truth.

Matt Johnson didn’t make this movie by himself.

He made it with me, Jay McCarrol.

(Gasping)

A little bit about myself...

I was born in 1983.

Whoa, sorry!

Hi, sorry.

Well, my mom certainly does put together a full...

Christmas dinner.

Although when we’re in Florida, we just go out to this

golf restaurant, and we just order the Christmas special.

- But that’s not the same-- - Sorry, folks!

Sorry.

What, did you sneak in here, Bird?

Sorry about that, guys! I was just a little bit late.

- Just gonna-- - Get the fuck outta here.

I’m doing this, go.

Go.

(Nervous laughing)

Sorry about that, I’m here!

(Applause)

(Nervous laughing)

I don’t know who that guy was!

Okay, anyway, thank you so much for coming to the world premiere

of my film, Operation Avalanche.

I’m so happy you guys are believing the hype.

It’s here!

(Clapping)

Uh, but seriously, um...

this film is a labour of love.

It’s a film that I made with...

I made-- I made this film completely on...

Hmm...

I made this movie...

alo--

(Sniffling)

You know what?

I wanna introduce somebody to you guys.

Jay McCarrol, come up here!

This is my best friend, Jay McCarrol,

and we made this movie together.

I couldn’t have done it without him,

we were in it together, and we’re a team.

We’re a band called Nirvanna The Band,

and we’re gonna be back at the end for a Q&A together,

and enjoy the film, and thank you so much, guys.

We love you, bye!

Thank you! (Applause)

♪ Baby all the lights are turned on you ♪

♪ Now you’re in the centre of the stage ♪

♪ Loneliness will get to you somehow ♪

♪ But everybody loves you now

So what do we-- what do we do during the Q&A?

I guess we should figure out

some kind of a shtick or something.

Because we’re famous enough, we did it.

We can play the Rivoli.

You thought you could just... rape anyone you wanted?!

(Gunshots and screaming)

Yeah, so we’ll talk about Nirvanna The Band or what...

Why are they all coming out?

I don’t know, what’s going on?

What the-- What the hell?

- The movie’s not over. - Why are you guys leaving?

You didn’t-- You didn’t like it?

Yeah, that was--

Well, of course they hated it!

You fucking-- The whole intro where--

They hated it because you cut me out of it!

No, you made it confusing!

I was supposed to be the big star in it!

Why did you come up and do the--

- Oh, I’m stupid?! - Yes!

You sneaked the film into Sundance, Matt!

Yeah, that was the only smart thing that happened!

--why we’re here in this situation now!

I want-- I want you to die.

I’m the one-- I had the face!

You’ve got nothing, you have absolutely nothing!

You fucking dirt, I hate your guts!

(Laughing)

Why...

(Laughing)

Okay, let’s go back to Toronto.

Come on, guys, we’re outta here!

♪