Original subtitles

(Siren blaring)

So basically it’s hard because I’ve only figured out

how to do like a double... flip.

But in order to be, like, truly cool with devil sticks,

you have to get... triple.

Sorry.

(Bike bell dinging)

Jay?

Oh my god.

Jay!

(Sighing)

So, Matt had never seen Star Wars before.

Star Wars!

A long time ago...

Alright, MJ, sit back, man.

Shut the fuck up, man.

(Star Wars theme playing)

Whoa!

No!

What?!

(Lasers blasting)

(Explosion)

♪

No, no...

(Laughing)

How you doing, you old pirate?

Aw!

I hate you.

Episode VI, Jay!

You wanna turn it off for like one--

Get your hand off me, dude.

I can’t see.

♪

- Yeah! - Yahoo!

Jay?

Are the lights on in this house?

♪

(Laughing)

You burned your eyes right out!

I overdid it!

So wait, what did they say?

Forty-eight hours, they said.

- Of blindness? - Of blindness, yeah.

Jesus, Matt.

And then I’m good as new.

(Gasping) What’s that?

It’s just a skateboarder.

(Skateboard noise)

Did he do a move?

A really funky looking skateboarder, actually.

I’m sorry you didn’t get to see that.

How funky are we talking?

Poncho, weird hat, longboard, yellow wheels.

Wicked!

No, Matt, shut up!

We’re coming off as like really uncool.

What do you mean, uncool?

Look at those (Bleep)ing glasses.

Oh my god.

Look at you!

Look at your jeans.

(Bleep)ing hat.

Wha--

How is The Rivoli ever gonna take us seriously

if you keep pulling (Bleep) like this?

Star Wars show.

(Siren blaring)

Yeah, Star Wars is cool right now.

We go to them with the Nirvanna The Band Star Wars Show.

Oh, I have convinced you?

Well, I’m putting it together.

It’s a good idea, but it has to be done tastefully.

Tastefully, yes, absolutely, and you know what?

And it’s gotta be cool.

Jay, hey, talking about cool, Mr. Cool.

Well, plus, I play a pretty good Han Solo.

Now who’s cool?

Alright, high five!

You’re gonna have to just hit my hand.

Excellent!

(Laughing)

♪

♪

(Piano playing)

Tonight, at The Rivoli, Nirvanna The Band will be

reprising Star Wars Episode VII in a live musical act!

You will see it all!

The guy with the cross light sabre!

And then right-- so right from here, and then--

You know what we could use as light sabres for this?

The devil sticks.

(Sighing)

Birdie, give me the devil stick.

Devil sticks...

(Slowed down) Can only do it on the wet spots.

And a double flip.

(Laughing)

Very cool, buddy.

(Bike bell dinging)

(Dramatic music)

Birdie?

Bird?

- Yeah, uh... - So we--

No, I-- I don’t think we can use the devil sticks.

What do you mean we can’t use the devil sticks?

I think we lost them.

You lost them how? Up your ass?

(Laughing)

Was that really funny?

It felt like it was so stupid to say.

- It was pretty funny. - Really?

But yeah, unfortunately...

That got you laughing?

Hmm, noted.

Use "up your ass" as a punchline.

(Piano playing)

Um, and maybe we could have the N64 onstage.

No, let’s just stay to like something...

classy and musical.

’Cause what are people really gonna wanna see?

It’s a live show of Star Wars.

They wanna see the fighting.

Oh, how are we gonna do the...

Real cool, buddy.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Where’s the music?

Give me some, like-- (Notes blaring)

Oh, yeah!

And then we’d wanna do explosions.

Maybe we throw confetti up in the air or something like that.

What do they do in that movie Ernest Goes To Jail?

They do explosions very well in that film, don’t they?

I love that movie.

You know, people say it’s just for kids and it’s not cool.

Actually, there’s a lot of adult themes in it.

Also, Ernest was not afraid of the transvestite thing,

even back then.

He actually predated Mrs. Doubtfire

in a lot of important ways.

You go back and watch Mrs. Doubtfire,

it’s actually a very transphobic film.

Um, there’s the scene where the son is saying,

"We’re gonna throw you in jail for having a penis."

Ernest was not like that.

Ernest was quite...

Wha-- Jay, what was that?

I was...

You’re doing something funny!

There’s some funny business happening here!

- No I’m not. - Yes!

Ah! What’s this?

No, I’m good, I’m good!

No, I know what’s going on!

You got a little-- you’re rummaging around!

You have a little effing little trick!

And you think I haven’t figured it out?!

No, I-- No!

You are putting together a secret Star Wars costume!

You little scamp!

What do you mean, a costume?

For tonight!

You’re making your own special costume!

- Wha... - You little butt!

Oh, you little frigger!

Wait, people go to Star Wars in Star Wars costumes?

Yes, everyone will be in costume,

and the coolest costume will be the coolest guy!

Wh-- What are you going as?

Actually, know what?

Don’t tell me, it’ll be a surprise.

But-- (Knocking)

Ah!

Yep.

- Is it a package? - Package?

This is it?

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

- Thank you. - Bye.

What is it?

Sure, she may not look like much,

but she’s got it where it counts.

I got a Han Solo costume.

Whoa, where did you get this?

I ordered it online.

I’m gonna find the best part.

You have Han’s blaster?

(Humming Star Wars theme)

What the fuck? How do I open this?

(Laser noises)

Holy (Bleep), it makes the sound?!

I’m gonna need your help to get dressed.

Jay?

Hello?

- Jay! - What?

You got your own costume!

Come on, give me these back.

You gotta help me get dressed.

What?

Well, I can’t see the costume, right?

So you gonna have to put my clothes on for me, right?

I have-- I have no idea how this is supposed to look,

so you have to put it on me as my friend, okay?

(Slowed down) Well, I can’t see the costume, right?

You gonna have to put my clothes on for me.

(Star Wars music)

Everyone’s gonna be in costume.

And the coolest costume will be the coolest guy!

♪

I play a pretty good Han Solo.

(Darth Vader theme)

You can go as - Han Solo - then - you’re - cool!

Mr. Cool.

♪

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

♪

NEWS ANCHOR: We’re just hours away from the opening

of The Force Awakens in North American theatres,

but the excitement’s been in hyperdrive for months now.

It’s true, all of it.

Roger Peterson’s back at the Scotiabank Theatre.

Roger.

These guys are just looking so good right now!

Course, this is the thing we’re talking about.

Everybody’s talking about The Force Awakens

and just how much...

Okay, just turn this way.

You gotta take my hand, dude.

I don’t wanna hold your hand.

I look too cool right now.

(Background chattering)

Okay, what else-- what else is going on?

You are best dressed, my friend.

How close is the next best person dressed?

Uh...

Darth Vader is right in front of you.

Oh, I just stepped on his cloak.

Sorry about that, sorry.

Let’s go get some popcorn maybe.

- Yeah, I’m going! - Hi!

Nice to see you, ol’ buddy!

Hey, Lando, yeah!

Oh, Lando Calrissian?

You old scoundrel!

Hey, you want the Falcon back, but I won it fair and square!

I’m Han Solo.

No.

What do you mean?

No, ’kay, let’s go get some popcorn, some soda.

- Lando! - Nice to meet you.

Hey, don’t freeze me in carbonite and

sell me out to the Empire!

Lando, you betrayed me, man!

Absolutely, of course!

Did you get it?

Yeah! (Laughing)

We got it.

I’m still smiling. It’s done?

Thanks, it’s... thank you, thank you.

Well, she may not look like much,

but she’s got it where it counts!

Thanks for doing this, by the way, because...

She’ll do point five, that’s past light speed.

My friend’s been bothering me all day with being blind,

and I gotta tell ya, it’s been a nightmare dealing with

the whole costume thing all day.

It’s really nice of you to like take him out.

Yeah, it is!

He’s my best friend.

- Awww! - Yeah.

- Where are you sitting? - Um...

That’s it, that’s it, sit down.

- I’m at it? - Yeah.

(Giggling)

Oh yeah.

Is it busy?

The theatre’s packed, huh?

Oh, absolutely.

(Music blasting)

Whoa!

(Music blasting)

(Cheering)

(Star Wars theme playing)

MATT: Star Wars!

Oh, yes, yes!

Star Wars!

(Laughing)

Woo!

JAY: Star Wars, Episode VII.

(Laughing)

The Force Awakens.

- Can’t hear you. - The Force Awakens!

- What do you mean? - Listen.

- Luke Skywalker has vanished. - No!

In his absence, the sinister First Order...

- What’s the First Order? - I don’t know, the...

Louder, louder!

The sinister First Order is risen-- risen from the ashes

of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker,

the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

Sorry, my friend’s blind.

General Leia...

(Music playing)

- Okay, slow pan down. - Okay, from what?

- Space. - Uh-huh.

Okay, now a planet and a moon.

That’s no moon!

Excuse me, I told you, my friend is blind!

I need to explain to him what’s going on the screen!

Without the Jedi...

’Kay, now there’s an old man.

Yeah, I know, but what’s he look like?

What does he look like?

Listen, I don’t want to talk the whole movie,

but my friend can’t see.

We have no choice, I’m blind!

(Yelling)

- They’re being offensive. - Explain to me--

What? We’re getting kicked out?

Well, these guys are being just as loud as us.

Why don’t you let us all stay?

(Clapping)

(Yelling)

I’m gonna talk to the guy, don’t worry.

Excuse me, sir, these guys were being bullies to us.

Well, no, let me talk to them! I’ll go and talk to them.

What’s he mean?

Yeah, yeah, we’re going.

Well, that’s it.

Another plan completely down the drain.

Yeah, another plan wrecked.

This is...

This is completely my fault.

- You know what? - It’s okay, it’s fine.

I’ll make it up to you.

I’ll tell you what: you take the Han Solo blaster,

and you can have it on the way out.

No, no, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.

- No, I’m giving you the blast-- - No, no, no!

(Suspicious music)

(Slowed down) I’m Han Solo.

No.

Some would call me a pirate.

I’m actually an intergalactic smuggler.

This is the shirt?

There you go.

Excuse me, princess!

Perfect.

What the fuck - Jay - you betrayed me, man!

And you think I haven’t figured it out?!

Am I holding a banana?

(Gasping)

No, wait, I can explain.

Why?!

Matt, you were blind.

You had the Han Solo costume-- I knew that I was the only one

that could pull off the Han Solo costume.

What do you mean? I can be Han Solo!

I couldn’t let you go and take this awesome costume

and ruin it by being blind and awkward and not cool.

What? You don’t think I’m cool?

Sorry to bug you.

I was just wondering who gave the approval

for you two guys to film inside?

Wait-- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You don’t think I’m cool?

Jeez!

(Sobbing)

What does he expect?

We’re gonna ask you to leave the building for now,

until... they get permits, and...

Okay.

- Hi, sir, can you-- - Yeah, I’m fu--

Matt?

Have you seen a blind guy running out here?

You didn’t-- You don’t see?

Oh, man. Matt!

Matt!

MAN: That’s him!

Oh (Bleep).

Oh Jared, those are those guys.

Come on, come on.

They’re following me, come on!

(Bleep)!

Did we lose them?

Okay.

Oh my god.

(Panting)

♪

Matt!

♪

♪

(Tires screeching)

Whoa, whoa!

Oh (Bleep), (Bleep)!

Hey, cotton pants!

Come here!

(Stuttering)

Oh (Bleep)!

No, I-- I’m gonna tell you what happened.

(Thunder crashing)

(Tense music)

(Thunder crashing)

Agh!

(Groaning)

Holy (Bleep)!

(Groaning)

♪

(Grunting)

Holy (Bleep)!

- Matt? - Yeah!

Whoa, look out! (Glass shattering)

(Groaning)

Ah, (Bleep)! Holy (Bleep)!

Oh my god!

Wow!

(Grunting)

Oh (Bleep)!

Argh!

Matt, you broke his hand!

(Groaning)

Okay, you got him.

Enough, enough, enough!

You okay?

Come on, come on!

(Glass shattering)

(Groaning)

(Grunting)

Agh!

Oof!

(Grunting)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Matt, Matt, look out!

Matt, Matt, Boba Fett’s behind you!

(Trash lid clattering)

- Aooh! - Toasty!

Fatality.

(Bittersweet music)

You see that?

♪

(Tense music)

It’s not over yet!

(Clanging) Oh, fuck!

(Groaning)

(Dramatic sting)

♪

VOICE: Come on, Matty.

Get to work.

(Panting)

(Groaning)

Jay! Jay!

Help!

Devil sticks!

(Siren blaring)

Cops, cops, cops, cops!

(Siren blaring)

(Grunting)

Devil sticks!

(Grunting)

♪

(Groaning)

Ooh!

(Groaning)

(Panting)

(Bittersweet music)

(Panting)

(Grunting)

(Bell dinging)

Oh, it’s you.

(Groaning)

(Gasping)

Ah!

(Gasping)

♪

(Helmet shattering)

Oh (Bleep)!

(Panting)

Oof!

(Panting)

Ah hee hee!

(Panting)

(Laughing)

(Loud laughing)

That’s from King Of Fighters.

Where are you?

Are you right in front of me, Jay?

Jay, say something.

I’m right here, I’m right here.

Line-- Line the...

How did you do that?

You just fought like an action star!

(Laughing)

Do you have any idea what that looked like?

Dude, was it cool?

Oh my god, that was amazing!

But did it-- But did it look cool?

You beat them up!

And I was trying to do cool punches,

and I was trying to do cool-- be cool with...

(Sobbing) What’s the matter?

I was trying to look cool, and show you that a blind person

could be c-c-cool. (Sobbing)

Oh, Matt.

Look... (Sighing)

This morning...

somebody told me I wasn’t cool.

(Gasping)

Yeah, and it bugged me a lot,

and I guess I’m just taking it out on you.

Oh, someone had done to you what you had then done to me.

The cycle of violence.

I was projecting.

It’s like-- It’s like molestation, that kinda thing.

That’s why they-- That’s why you’re molested, you become--

You look like Daredevil.

You look exactly like Daredevil, actually.

- Really? - Yeah.

A homeless guy-- (Car starting)

Hey!

Get back here!

I’m not finished with you! (Tires screeching)

Daaamn!

That was great! Did it look oka--

(Crashing)

Oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my god, Matt!

♪

♪

I think you’re gonna be alright.

Okay, alright, thank you.

Okay, sir. You take care.

- I love you. - Okay.

- Thank you so much. - Bye.

By the way, I had a bite of your sandwich.

I had a sandwich?!

You have a sandwich, it’s over there.

It’s been there for a couple hours.

Oh!

My own sammy?

Yeah.

This is what we call a Sammy Davis Jr.!

Mmm!

(Speaking gibberish)

Okay, man, why did you run into the street?

I ran out to stop those bad boys.

We kicked them out of Star Wars, remember?

I think they just wanted their money back.

You know what, I set that whole fight up anyway,

just to teach you a lesson.

- No you didn’t. - Sure I did.

Ha-- Maybe I did.

Do you understand that, like,

now we can’t do anything with The Rivoli?

Your leg’s shattered.

I know, I’m sorry.

Know what the worst part is?

I didn’t even get to see Star Wars.

(Camera beeping)

(Star Wars theme playing)

Woo!

Star Wars.

Episode VII.

(Sighing) Episode VII.

- The Force Awakens. - The Force Awakens.

The Force Awakens.

Luke Skywalker has vanished.

No!

In his absence, the sinister First Order has risen from

the ashes of the Empire, and will not rest until Skywalker,

the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

With the support of the Republic...

(Star Wars theme)

(Star Wars theme)

♪

So here’s the problem: people don’t wanna see a Star Wars

mov-- uh, show.

Well...

They wanna see a Star Wars movie!

That’s what they ha-- That’s what they--

Right, I’m saying Nirvanna The Band, we make a movie.

That’s how we get the show.

We get famous making a movie!

Oh, Nirvanna The Band The Movie.

Yeah, exactly!

So start-- what’s the opening theme?

What’s the theme that every movie starts with?

(Dreamworks theme playing)

I’m on the moon, I’m fishing.

(Dreamworks theme playing)

Yep!

(Dreamworks theme playing)

Yep!

I get the big fish.

Hiya!

- Hiya! - Why is he Japanese?

(Groaning)

(Yelling)

(Panting)

It’s funny to watch David Blaine do a magic trick,

and he’s always going, "Watch.

Watch, watch.

No, watch.

How is that possible?"

(Laughing)

It’s almost-- You don’t even need a magic trick.

You just-- I know, you just wanna hear the guy talk!

(Sighing)

♪