Original subtitles

♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost nipping at your toes ♪

It’s, "Your nose."

"Jack Frost nipping at your nose."

You know, you might be right.

What does the star at the top of the tree connote?

The Star of David.

That’s Jewish.

Jews hate Christmas, they don’t even do it.

Ah, sure Jews celebrate Christmas.

Everyone loves Christmas.

Not Jews.

Jews fucking hate Christmas.

What about all the kids, when they see all the other kids

getting presents and everything?

Those little kids-- Why do you think they all grow up so...

What’s the word?

(Piano playing)

♪

(Home Alone theme playing)

♪

Toronto’s Santa Claus Parade

is the longest running children’s parade in the world.

And I can actually tell you: this year,

28 floats that organizers say they spent all year working on.

Hundreds of thousands of people line the streets

to welcome this guy to town!

♪

(Grunting)

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Yes! Yes!

Jared, come on!

Come on!

(Door shutting)

(Laughing)

It was amazing, everything worked, we got everything done.

Perfect plan.

And now it’s a race to get to sleep.

I’m gonna get to sleep first.

No, I’m... Are you joking me?

I gotta be fresh tomorrow!

- Come back at 7:00am. - Get out of here, Jared!

7:00am, Jared.

7:00am, okay?

7:00am.

Goodnight, MJ!

Goodnight, Bird.

I think that was probably the best day

I’ve ever had in my whole life.

Me too, I’m not even tire--

I have so much energy it’s crazy.

I could run a marathon right now.

I know, I keep my toe-- You know what my toes are doing?

- They’re dancing? - They’re prancing!

What the hell’s going on right now?

I feel like I... like I’ve slept for 500 hours,

and this is the most awake I’ve ever been in my entire life.

I actually feel like I’m being chased by demons,

that’s how awake I am.

Something’s wrong.

Something happened to us, it’s like we’ve been drugged.

Yeah, something happened, that’s for sure.

We need to go through the day step by step

and figure out what it was.

Okay, so starting at the beginning.

Start at the beginning, okay, what did we do?

Okay, we were at the board, and we were trying to figure out

how we could get a show at the Rivoli, like we always do.

I found the newspaper, and I said,

"Look, Santa Claus Parade."

(Gasping)

That’s where we got the idea to make the float,

the Nirvanna The Band Christmas float!

The parade route goes right by the Rivoli!

Yeah, I was gonna-- I was gonna say that.

The Rivoli will be watching us like this!

Yeah, whoa!

Put a piano on the float!

We’ll do the whole show.

Oh my god, okay, so what do we need to do?

One, we need to get a truck.

Truck.

- Get a truck to pull it. - And build a float.

We have to build the float.

We’ll be surrounded by Christmas trees,

big giant candy canes.

We need a baby Jesus for the top of the tree.

When we come down the street...

(Piano playing)

Oh my god, yeah!

And I’ll be dressed as the Grim Reaper!

- I’ll have this huge scythe-- - Not as the Grim Reaper.

I’m telling you, this is it!

I’m dressed as the Grim Reaper,

you’re playing a Christmas song that’s actually scary,

and people literally are shitting their pants.

Holy fuck!

Yes, and then in the newspaper was the parade route.

And we took the paper and we put it down here, right?

Okay.

We charted out our path and how we were gonna get

into the parade.

So we’ll go up, and actually there’s a side...

No, maybe we’ll start at the Rivoli,

and then go up this way...

And then we realized we had to get--

we had to get supplies to build the float.

Honest Ed’s, we were on our way to Honest Ed’s.

Except we didn’t go in, because I had to go to the bathroom.

Where are the bathrooms in Honest Ed’s?

- Fuck it. - Go to the Green Beanery then.

- The what? - The Green Beanery, remember?

We went in there...

And it was one of those piece of shit places

that has a lock on the bathroom door...

Shoot.

...and so I couldn’t get in unless we buy something.

What’s this right here?

Coffee?

That’s where we bought our first coffee.

- Cheers! - Cheers.

Oh, oh, fuck!

You don’t do that with hot coffee, Matt.

You don’t hit it so hard.

Well, I never had a coffee before!

Right, have you had a coffee before that?

So yeah, we went and we got a coffee from the guy,

I went and used the bathroom, and then we went to Honest Ed’s.

Oh, and I-- I remember, I trapped you.

Come on, don’t, this freaks me out.

Why do they even set these up at places?

’Cause someone like me is gonna do this.

You can skip that, okay? That doesn’t mean anything.

’Kay, you go to the next flashback,

go to the next flashback.

What I remember first, this is just my memory,

is that I was doing a really good Harrison Ford impression

from The Last Crusade.

There!

I did the impression! I was doing the Nazi guy!

Ah!

I remember doing an Indiana Jones impression, a great one.

It doesn’t-- Okay, I find the tree...

This is a good deal on a tree.

...we got out of Honest Ed’s...

We-- We gotta go up the stairs.

...got lost in Honest Ed’s...

No entry? Why?

But we came from the--

Yeah, this is back to men’s garments.

Okay, so we’re gonna go this way?

It’s just a left here, and then-- and then we’re out.

(Panting)

What the fuck is with this place?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I found the tree.

Do I know how to pick ’em or what?

- It’s so green! - Right?

And it’s already got some of the ornaments already on it.

It’s amazing!

And you’re amazing.

And what else do you want me to say,

in this stupid ass memory?

Fucking retard, dumbass tree!

(Chuckling)

You can’t just hijack the memory like that, Matt!

’Kay, where were we?

I found the tree! I found the tree!

When did I come up with the idea

to throw the money out of the float?

’Cause I was watching Batman, the original Tim Burton,

and I said, "This is how we’re gonna do it, like Joker do!"

And I’m gonna throw money out because all those Asian families

go so crazy for cash.

They will never forget you.

You put-- Hey, put money in an Asian kid’s hand,

that kid will love you for the rest of your life.

(Cheering)

Look at all that money.

That’s like thousands of dollars.

Where you gonna get that money?

Right... (Gasping)

The bank!

No, no.

Close your eyes a bit.

The bank!

So we need a cash loan for $10,000.

Is there a way we can cut through some of this

bureaucratic red tape?

(Chuckling)

What is it, a personality test or something I gotta take?

Yeah, do you even have...

Let’s do it.

(Home Alone music playing)

So you’ll be onstage doing a Home Alone theme,

I’ll be at the back drinking my own bean hard

in front of the crowd.

I’m gonna get a fresh cup.

Are you doing a pot or a cup?

What do you want?

None of that French press shit.

I need a full drip, black, boiling.

Okay, yeah, coming up.

Whoa.

Let’s try do-- Let’s try-- Let’s try doing a brew.

- Yeah. - No water.

I can try the pour-over.

- Dry brew. - Got it.

- Fresh bean. - Yeah, ooh, fresh.

Jay?

What?

Pot of black?

Pot of black.

Hot black!

We got bean!

We got bean.

Let’s do-- Let’s do one quick cup.

I want 10% Americano, mix it with drip coffee,

and then the rest: mocha.

Okay, Jay, I know what we need. (Clapping)

We need another cup of joe.

(Dramatic music playing)

(Slowed down) Okay, Jay, I know what we need.

(Clapping)

We need another cup... of... coffee...

(Violins stinging)

It’s-- Okay-- Get-- Okay, think about this:

Coffee is the new name of the band.

Nirvanna The Band: out.

Now it’s just Coffee, Coffee The Band.

- And this is-- - Matt, Matt!

I know why we can’t get to sleep.

(Gulping)

It’s ’cause we’re scared.

Scared of what?

What’re you talking about, scared?

Oh, I will tell you... after the commercial.

Why don’t we do the thing that like the talk show host

will always do, where they go, "Okay, it’s a commercial,"

and then right away you can’t hear their mics anymore,

and the one guy turns to the other guy and he’s like...

(Whispering)

And it’s always so charming, and you’re like okay,

that’s a real relationship, that’s a friendship.

- Ready? - Yeah.

I’ll tell ya... after the commercial.

(Smooth jazz playing)

(Smooth jazz playing)

That’s not-- You’re doing the exact opposite

of what I’m saying.

You show a real friendship,

not that you’re annoyed by me whispering to you.

Right. Okay.

- I’ll tell you why we’re-- - Just tell me why we’re scared.

I-- You wrecked the whole thing.

Why-- Why are we so scared?

Okay, well, that story that you told me

after we were at the white board...

What are you talking about, this morning?

You’re playing a Christmas song that’s actually scary,

and people literally are shitting their pants!

Holy fuck! (Laughing)

It can’t be, like, so rooted in evil though.

Whoa, check it out.

(Chuckling)

The truck is back.

Whose truck?

The Queen Street Strangler’s.

Who’s that?

One night, back in ’06, Evan Morgan was walking along

Queen Street alone, when up from behind him

he felt the tight grip...

of the Queen Street Strangler around his throat.

He forced Evan to the ground, and made him give him

his passport, wallet, and a first generation iPod.

Maybe he was just trying to be nice?

No way.

After he had Evan frozen and completely at his will,

he took out his penis and started doing some penis stuff.

(Musical sting) Penis stuff...

Whoa, girl with pink hair!

Oh ---!

(Dramatic music)

Okay, yeah, but Jay, that’s just a story!

Come on, the guy’s not real!

He’s real, and he almost strangled me!

When we got home from the bank...

Money!

...you disappeared on me.

So what’s next on the list?

Baby Jesus, that’s your responsibility.

Well, hold on, why do I need to get the... the Jesus?

Maybe we can...

Matt?

(Door creaking)

Then I saw the truck outside.

(Motor starting)

(High pitched screaming)

It scared the --- out of me.

So I did what Kevin does in Home Alone,

and I got the black guy from Space Jam,

and I put him in the window to try to scare him off.

I’m not afraid anymore!

Do you hear me?

I’m not afraid anymore!

(Motor starting)

(Suspenseful music)

(Gasping)

♪

(Snoring)

Matt!

I got followed by the Queen Street Strangler!

Why’d you wake me up, man?

Come on, I fell asleep!

What are you doing?

I’m sorry, I didn’t-- I didn’t know you were asleep.

I thought-- Your eyes were open.

They were closed!

I heard you say "Matt" in an awakening way.

Your eyes were like this, they were like...

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

You thought that was the Queen Street Strangler, you idiot?

The truck, the truck!

That was me!

What are you talk-- What?!

We needed to get a truck to drive the float.

I left alone with Jared,

had to get old Marley’s shovel, went across the street,

and I stole the Queen Street Strangler’s car.

(Glass shattering)

(Motor starting)

(Suspenseful music playing)

(Radio playing)

You see that?

I don’t like the way Bird looked at me.

What the hell is Jay doing?

What are you doing?

(Radio playing)

He’s running, he’s really going.

What the fuck?

Jay, it’s me!

What the hell are you doing?

(Radio playing)

I didn’t even see you, you little snake!

A stolen truck?!

That truck belongs to the Screen Street Strangler!

(Screaming)

(Laughing)

Who was-- I guess it was Will Ferrell who made it,

like, popular to scream... in comedy.

(Sipping)

What time’s the parade start?

7:00am, Jared.

7:00am, okay?

7:00am.

What time is it?

What time is it?

- What time is-- - 7:00!

We slept in!

We’re late, come on!

We’re late, we are late, we are late!

Come on!

(Home Alone music playing)

(Shouting)

(Intercom chattering)

(Home Alone music playing)

It...

Alright.

But, you know...

(Chuckling)

♪

(Car beeping)

Floor it!

♪

(Piano crashing) Oh!

What the-- A dog is getting a ball up here!

Get outta the way!

Sorry, we’re late for the Santa Claus Parade!

Jay, hold on, buddy!

(Metal clanging)

(Banging)

Slow down!

Jay, we’re gonna be okay, buddy!

Slow down!

The-- The money’s flying!

- Jay, we’re almost there! - ---!

We’re gonna make it!

Don’t worry, man!

Matt!

I said fix the floooat!

♪

(Marching band music playing)

(Honking)

(Marching band music playing)

We’re late!

We came up-- Did we come up the wrong way?

A little, yeah, definitely the wrong way.

Can you ple-- Can you please just let us-- let us through?

You’re not gonna be able to get anything through here.

Fuck!

You gotta go to Christie, the other way.

Let... Dude, let me through the fucking parade.

We’re like 30 people deep here, I can’t clear that right now.

Okay, I don’t even know why I’m asking permission.

I could just run these people down.

Okay, wait, let me explain.

We stayed up all night, and we-- and we missed the deadline.

Jay, play something for him!

You’ll see.

Jay!

Jay, wake up!

Wake up, Jay!

Jaaaaay!

I was tired.

Yeah, I know.

You fell asleep right at the fucking pivotal moment!

We still had fun.

You missed the whole thing!

The cop wouldn’t let us in.

Instead he made me move the float,

so I had to back it up through all these people,

and then I had a visit from myself from the future,

who came to deliver a really important message to me.

And he said, "That’s it, I’m about to vaporize."

And I said, "I can’t listen to this message right now.

I have to go-- I have to wake up my friend, Jay,"

because you were asleep.

And then I went back, and I had to wake you up.

- You didn’t see yourself-- - Yes I did!

And I was like, "Yep, well, guess what?

You just fucked up the whole plan."

Well, we had good seats for the parade.

Yeah, but we were supposed to be in it, not watching it!

Yeah, and then all the floats were going by

and they were terrible.

There was the geese, there was a--

Why, there was a Blue Jays, and a Mario,

and I was like man, if our float had been there...

(Sad piano playing)

...it would’ve been the best float of the whole parade.

And then-- And then yeah, yeah, I got to see Santa Claus

for the first time.

And then it was over.

(Sad piano playing)

And the people all started to leave, and...

Yeah, and I said, "Okay, yeah, Jay, get on the piano!

We’ll do a little show for these guys!"

And then I got that big head on, and...

- You put it on me. - Yeah, you put it on, and...

I couldn’t even see what was going on.

Yeah, we were doing some of the act,

and the kids were going, "Whoa!"

And the one kid who was pushing a pylon around.

And then that old lady said, "Merry ho ho."

(Laughing) And...

And I guess, yeah, we didn’t get to drive the float in front of

the Rivoli, and the Rivoli didn’t see it,

but people took our pictures.

They seemed to like it.

And you and I worked it out, and we made up,

and then we were hugging.

And at first it was like...

I was like okay, but I vow revenge, but then...

JAY: But you were happy.

MATT: Yeah, I had a change of heart!

(Laughing)

That’s right, I had a change of heart!

(Happy piano playing)

There’s a-- There’s a feel-- There’s a lesson here,

or a Christmas lesson, or a...

The music kinda makes it seem like we’re having a lesson.

Like I feel like there’s some-- we learned something,

although the plan was completely destroyed.

Yeah.

So it’s something about falling asleep

at the most pivotal moment, but that being okay.

Oh, you-- Okay, and we drank coffee all day.

Maybe there’s a coffee connection?

(Dramatic music playing)

(Slowed down) Okay, and we drank coffee all day.

Something about falling asleep...

Jaaaaaaay!

Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala,

we used to make fresh coffee.

Oh my god.

Coffee makes you sleepy.

(Screaming)

♪

Okay, I’m ready, I’m--

So I’m pretending I’m blind, and Jay’s gonna hand me my gift.

We do this every Christmas, and this is how you decide what--

Well, this is how you decide--

- Oh! - Come on!

(Laughing)

’Kay, tell me when I can open my eyes.

And... opening!

(Gasping)

Star Wars!

Original trilogy, original VHS release.

(Gasping)

Oh my god!

Bum, bum, bum...

- Ba-dum ba ba! - Bum ba-dum!

Bum ba-dum!

Oh my god, I’ve waited for this!

(Chuckling) Come on.

Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back,

and Return of the Jed-ee.

Have you seen Star Wars before?

Yes, man.

Yes, I have seen it.

- ’Cause it seems... - Of course.

You’re sort of acting like you’ve never seen it before.

No, this is Star Wars.

Everybody knows that.

Who’s that?

That is...

the main Star Warrior himself.

That is the leader of the Star Wars.

Oh my god, you’ve never seen Star Wars.

- Yes I have! - Oh my god!

You’ve never seen Star Wars?!

You’ve never seen Star Wars?

What, do you live in --- cave?

- I didn’t have time! - Oh my god!

Merry Christmas.

Episode IV, V, VI...

and VII!

We got tickets to the new Star Wars!

I’m gonna be a Star Wars fan.

♪