Original subtitles

(Piano playing)

So, Rivoli has not called us back.

Wha-- (Low piano chord)

No. Why?

Why did the-- Should I just tell you the plan I have?

- The banner? - The banner?

Yeah, the banner plan didn’t work.

Do you wanna know the new plan?

- Yes? - Look, NOW Magazine!

Do you know what this is?

One of the most important magazines in Toronto.

And they’ve got a thing called

the fucking concert listings, man!

They also have really good top 10, like,

patios this summer to check out.

That’s not what I’m talking about.

I-- Who cares, right?

I thought we were doing a NOW Magazine.

No, I’m-- This is my plan, look!

Concert listings, okay?

What if we get... in the concert listings for The Rivoli?

The Rivoli doesn’t even have to know!

We get NOW Magazine to print us in-- in the concert listings,

then we take this to The Rivoli,

and we’re like okay, alright, we’ll play a show!

- Sorry! - What the hell?

So-- Well, this is us. This is them, you’re them.

- Oh, okay. - Ready?

- Yeah. - Oh, hey.

Nirvanna The Band playing a show tonight.

Sorry, you have a problem with it?

- Hey, ow! - Bitch.

That hurts when you do the--

Little-- Little fuck... bitch!

Okay, let’s talk about how we’re actually gonna

call NOW Magazine.

They have to believe that it’s actually The Rivoli calling.

That’s fine, we’ll say-- we’ll just do it right now.

Mime it, ready? Doot doot doot doot!

- Mime? - Mime it.

Oh, so I’m NOW Magazine, okay.

Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!

You know, it’s so funny; there’s a real phone beside you.

Why wouldn’t you just pick up that one

rather than mime the nothing?

I...

I’m saying look, there’s a real phone right there.

- Fine, fine. - It’ll just help you.

Look, you know what’s gonna happen?

- If you call them... - Brrr! Brrr!

...it’s gonna say Matt Johnson is calling on the caller ID.

Why?

- Oh, because I’m-- - Because you’re calling.

Right.

We need it to say The Rivoli?

It needs to say The Rivoli.

- We’ll hack the iPhone. - Hack the iPhone?

Sure, sure, hacking.

- Uh-- - With the big red book?

What does Matthew Lilliard say?

Ooh, Morpheus is fighting Neo, man!

That’s a bit-- That’s a combination of two movies, but--

Yeah?

Why don’t we just call from The Rivoli?

Oh! We’ll go in disguise!

♪

♪ As long as we got each other

♪ We got the world spinnin’ right in our hands ♪

♪ Baby, you and me

♪ We gotta be

♪ The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreaming ♪

♪ As long as we keep on--

♪

(Sitcom music playing)

(Laughtrack, cheering)

- How you doing? - Good.

(Laughtrack)

(Crowd howling)

I’ll take a seat on the patio, daddio.

Okay, I think over here is good.

Okay.

Uh, you know what? I actually have a question.

Do you guys have a phone inside?

I don’t need to use it, I was just wondering if you have one.

Okay, I think I’ll order right now, actually.

So, um...

I’m in for a bit of a light lunch here.

Uh...

What about the crispy calamari?

It’s good?

Uh, wookie balls?

And maybe the guacamole chips?

Uh, what do people normally order when they come in here

just for a light lunch, you know?

(Server talking)

I might-- Yeah, I think I’m gonna do all three.

(Server talking)

But then I might wanna do a salad and sandwich too,

just to lighten it up a little bit.

- Yeah. - You know what I mean?

(Laughing) I do.

Uh, so maybe-- what’s the-- how about The Rivoli house salad?

What’s that all about?

Uh, hi.

Is this NOW Magazine?

And how about, um...

This is The Rivoli, as you can see from your caller ID.

No mention the caller ID, no reason to...

Hold on one second.

Hey, there’s been a change of plans?

There’s gonna be a change of plans on who’s playing the show.

And you said this Brussel sprout apple salad was good too?

It’s all good with me, daddio.

Right, yes, the listing.

I know it seems like I’m distracting you,

but don’t let that dist--

Alright, cool, daddio.

The name is Nirvanna The Band.

Yeah.

And make sure they know that you’re The Rivoli.

Yes.

I know it sounds crazy.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what, never mind.

Thank you, thank you so much, and we’re out of here.

Okay, that’s it, we’re gone, they made us!

- Matt, Matt, Matt! - Come on!

So sorry, gotta go, bye!

(Laughtrack)

(Sitcom music playing)

(Sitcom music playing)

Come-- Come on, let’s do a quick rehearsal!

(Piano playing)

Mr. Thin, this is his-- argh!

Ohhh!

What?

My suitcoat doesn’t fit anymore!

I’m sorry, it’s our big fat pedophile character, Mr. Thin.

Uh-uh.

Who is always blaming the dryer for shrinking--

It doesn’t have to be a pedophile, just--

Doesn’t have to be, but that’s his choice.

If it helps you get into character, that’s fine, but I--

That is the character.

He’s a-- He chooses to be a pedophile.

He wasn’t born that way.

Just don’t say it out loud.

Well, maybe he is one of these guys who is born that way.

And it makes it very difficult for the... LGBT community

to figure out how to criticize them.

That’s my sexuality.

Yeah, you put a-- (Bleep)

Don’t say that.

Oh, it’ll send the whole liberal plane

crashing into the ocean, that’s for sure!

"Wait, now we gotta tolerate what?!"

You know, there’s a... a whole other galaxy of dark matter

that we’re living in?

Oh boy.

Isn’t that crazy?

Uhh, okay, so...

(Piano playing)

Okay, so how do we start the show?

I’m lowered down?

Yeah, we’ll lower me.

On ropes.

(Piano playing)

And you gotta picture me completely naked.

(Mimics choir singing)

Something goes wrong with the rope.

(Screaming)

(Traffic noise)

Look at that.

What the hell is going on?

(Traffic noise)

It’s like they came out of a portal from 1999.

We fell asleep, and roller blading became cool again.

That’s a-- That’s a long fucking nap, culturally.

A little plot update: we’re waiting for the NOW Magazine to

get delivered, and Jay is using the bathroom in the Black Hole,

and... Bird!

You just missed a whole bunch of roller bladers

that just went by.

Hi, how you doing?

We’re playing The Rivoli later tonight!

We’re effing empty!

- You don’t think we missed it? - Don’t keep checking!

Yeah, but what if it already got delivered

and they all got gobbled up?

Just relax, relax, it’s gonna be here,

and we’re gonna have a whole stack of them.

Yeah, I know, but I’m saying if the NOW Magazine guy

doesn’t show up in the next 30 seconds,

I’m gonna start just attacking people.

Calm down, calm down.

Stop checking.

Jared, are you sure they get the--

we’re here at the the right time?

It’s here, it’s gonna be here--

Because the box is fucking empty, man!

(Laughing)

We know that tonight’s the night.

I’m not angry, I’m just saying you--

Oh, here it is, here it is!

Oh, is this the NOW Magazine? Is this the new one?

Is this new?

Okay, okay, okay, do--

No, no, okay, alright, alright.

What does it say? What does it say?

I’m finding out, I’m finding out.

Yes! (Siren blaring)

- Oh shit! - What?

Hey, this is supposed to say Nirvanna The Band.

That’s supposed to-- it says Nirvana.

This should say Nirvanna The Band.

That only says Nirvana.

Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Fuck!

What the fuck, Bird?

What’d you say to them on the phone?

You’re supposed to say Nirvanna The Band!

I must have...

What did you say on the phone?!

I said Nirvanna The Band, and then he said--

and he said, "Nirvana?" like that.

- And what did you say? - I said yeah!

I felt-- I ----ed it up.

Well, now what?!

The shit’s done, the plan’s done!

Okay, well all we need to do is we need to let The Rivoli know

to expect Nirvanna The Band.

What do we do, call The Rivoli from NOW Magazine?

"Oh, hey, it’s supposed to s--"

Call The Rivoli from NOW Magazine!

- We already did th-- - You see?

Oh my god.

It’s just a reverse.

We just got to break into NOW Magazine--

You just came up with it like as if it was nothing.

You’re cre-- incredible!

I thought you were gonna say, "You’re Kramer!"

You’re-- You’re Kramer!

Actually, which one was Kramer?

I think I’m a bit more Kramer than you.

I mean in the show. Was it the Jewish woman?

The guy who came in the door.

Yeah.

Jerry, I need a pickle! (Laughing)

(Seinfeld music playing)

(Traffic noise)

Hi, I’m going upstairs.

Oh, I go up this way, don’t I?

Okay, cool, thank you.

(Traffic noise)

It’s a stakeout.

Pretty much, Matt’s at NOW Magazine, okay?

He’s calling The Rivoli so that they can see on the caller ID

that it’s NOW Magazine; he’s gonna make a correction.

(Motor roaring)

Wow, that was awesome!

Come on...

(Banging) Ah jeez.

Hide, hide! (Knocking)

Hi, I’m doing a line test, is that okay?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hi, sorry, do you guys use your land lines in here?

Would it be a huge inconvenience if I just

ran a quick line test on this?

Okay, thank you so much.

You can stay there, this will just take me a second.

How do I-- How do I dial out here?

Okay.

(Phone ringing)

(Beeping)

Hello?

Uh, hi.

I’m actually doing-- This is NOW Magazine.

Matt?

Bird?

Uhhh...

Bird, what are you doing?

I-- I stole-- I stole the Rivoli’s phone.

It was by accident!

It was when we were running away before, and you were in

the fat suit, and we had to get out of there really quickly,

and so I just put the phone in my pocket and...

Are you in there right now?

Uh, yeah, we’re in NOW Magazine right now.

Oh my god!

What do I do?

Matt, I need a plan, I need a classic plan right now.

Jay, just hand the phone to-- to someone there.

Okay, yeah, yeah, I can do this, I can do this.

I will return the phone back to The Rivoli.

That’s... Can you not talk right now?

Exactly.

Are you incognito?

Yes.

You’re undercover!

Okay, okay, I got this, I got this.

The next voice you hear is gonna be The Rivoli’s.

Bird, give them the fucking phone, hurry up.

♪

Oh ----!

Ohhh ----! (Honking)

Wait, wait, stop, stop!

Oh... Oh my god!

No, no, no, no! (Honking)

(Gasping)

----!

(Streetcar bell dinging)

----! (Honking)

Sorry, one sec.

(Honking)

Uhh, sorry, this will just take one more second.

- Bird? - Matt!

(Honking) Matt!

Matt, hello, hello?!

Hi, this is David calling from NOW Magazine.

One sec, one sec! (Street car honking)

----!

...mistake in the recent issue that went out.

In-- Instead of Nirvana, it should say Nirvanna The Band.

Okay, thank you.

(Dial tone)

(Sighing)

Thank you, good bye.

Okay, go, go, go, go!

(Busker music playing)

♪ It made me feel so good inside ♪

♪ So peaceful so sublime

♪ Now there’s nothing that reminds me ♪

♪ Of that old familiar chime

♪ Except you

♪ Yeah you

♪

♪ I used to play in the cemeteries ♪

♪ Dance and laugh and sing when I was a child ♪

(Piano playing)

(Piano playing)

(Door opening) Okay!

(Door slamming)

Okay.

Well, Bird, I really gotta hand it to ya!

That was about the greatest plan we have ever done!

You completely redeemed yourself!

I’m in NOW Magazine, and I got the phone, and then

just like you said next voice you hear will be The Rivoli’s!

And I heard the hello, and I told them the whole plan!

You heard them say hello?

Whoever you handed the phone to was like, "Hello?"

And then I told them the whole thing,

I told them about Nirvana the wrong-- Nirvanna The Band!

I thought everything was completely fucked,

you took the phone, and we fucking did it!

Okay, just maybe-- let’s not get our hopes up too much.

Why are you in such a bummer mood, man?

Everything just worked-- that was the first time ever!

It went-- a perfectly executed plan!

(Exhaling) Uh...

(Sighing)

What is that?

What is that?

This is, uh...

What is it?

This is... This is...

What is-- Just tell me what it is.

- I was gonna tell ya. - Yeah, exactly.

Tell me what that is.

Enough build up, I’m just gonna tell you what this is.

I’m-- Who’s saying build up?

Tell me what the thing is.

You took it out of your pocket, it’s obviously relevant.

Oh, um...

It’s nothing.

What’s going on?

No, for r-- okay, wait, wait, wait, no, stop!

- What’s going on? - I’m gonna tell you.

What is the fucking thing?

- What’s the green thing? - Just relax.

I’m gonna tell you what this is, okay?

Do I not look relaxed?

Here I am breaking into NOW Magazine making

prank fucking phone calls, having them change NOW Magazine

after wearing a fat suit trying to call the other way!

You’re gonna laugh when you hear this.

I can’t wait!

It’s dizzy in here.

Do you think it’s dizzy in here?

Okay.

Part of the piano!

It’s just part of the piano.

That’s in the piano?

It broke off the piano.

Yes!

Does it still work when you play?

Yeah.

Oh, thank god, okay.

I-- Okay, good.

So you won’t need that for tonight.

- Do we have to fix it? - No, I’m just gonna--

I’m just gonna put it in my pocket.

We got it, okay?

We got it.

I’m gonna change, we’re gonna go.

Okay, come on, come on!

Tonight’s the big night!

Hey, for real?

I’m proud of you.

Thank you so much.

It took a lot of confidence to get that phone.

It’s okay, no...

You showed a huge moment of courage.

And by the way, congratulations.

You really came through today.

(Chuckling)

I think I kinda had you wrong.

Okay, enough! I don’t need a--

Hey, you’re... a pretty special guy.

(Dramatic music playing)

I’ll walk up, show ’em the NOW mag...

I can’t believe we’re doing this!

High five for good luck.

- I... - Ready?

(Sighing)

Hey guys.

Hey man, how you doing?

Um, our band is-- Jay, come on!

Our band is playing a show tonight, this is us.

I think somebody from NOW Magazine called earlier

to say that this was supposed to be Nirvanna The Band

and not Nirvana.

We are Nirvanna The Band.

There was some kind of a mix up, but...

Okay...

(Dramatic music playing)

- It’s supposed to say-- - Nirvana?

It’s supposed to say Nirvanna The Band.

(Dramatic music playing)

I’m sorry, I need to tell you something.

What?

Earlier today, when I told you that I brought the phone back

to The Rivoli... I lied.

(Uplifting music playing)

Wh-- What? Why?

I screwed up.

I broke the phone.

So I was talking to who?

- Who said hello? - It was me.

Why didn’t you say something?

I broke the phone in a million pieces.

You were-- I wanted to tell you, but you were so proud of me,

and that made me feel so good.

Uh-huh?

I guess I’m just feeling a little bit ashamed.

(Uplifting music play-- You fucking idiot!

What the fuck is wr-- Sorry, sorry.

God dammit!

Hey, dude! You look good, dude!

Well, it’s the worst night of my life.

What’s wrong?! What happened?!

We were supposed to play The Rivoli and it didn’t happen.

- What the fuck?! - I know.

Your band?

Yeah, we’re playing tonight.

Hang on, brother, hang on, hang on.

We were playing tonight.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, dudes!

Hey, could you dudes fucking spare like 50 cents?

I’m just short for one beer, dude.

We don’t have it. You have it?

- You have 50 cents? - Yeah.

Anything, man.

Here’s three bucks.

Three bucks? Dude!

Have a nice night.

Holy shit!

You’re the-- Hey, what’s your name?

- We’re Matt and Jay. - Your band.

- Nirvanna The Band. - Nirvanna The Band.

- Nirvanna The Band? - Yeah.

- So you do cover songs? - Uh, we do it all.

- Yeah, we do everything. - Oh fuck!

You’re in, dude!

Hey, my friend is saying rock and roll!

Hey, say it again!

Whoa!

(Chattering)

- Thanks a lot! - See you later!

Did you hear that?

What?

You’re in, dude!

We’re in.

Yeah, what does that mean, we’re in?

We’re in, I don’t know.

We’re in, dude.

- We’re in, dude. - We’re in.

Yeah, we are in!

(Sitcom music playing)

♪

(Piano playing)

Hip!

Yahoo!

Yow!

Yoo!

Hee!

Yoshi is trying to get up my ass!

- Am I doing the jump or no? - Of course!

I’m doing the cave boost...

like that!

Yesss!

Um, I don’t touch pine trees!

I don’t touch palm trees!

I don’t touch crabs, I don’t touch-- Ahhh!

Dodged the crabs!

(Piano playing)

You know what, I’m gonna let him catch up.

- Do some courses-- - No, don’t!

’Cause then we’ll have to start over!

I’m doing some wrong way!

You’ll have to start the whole GP over again!

I’m doing some reverse and I’m still gonna win.

You’ve always been that ----ing kid

who’s always going in reverse and running out

in the middle of the desert in Calamari Desert.

- I can show off. - You’re wasting time!

I’m building my skills.

I’m not playing music for you anymore.

I wanna hear that song.

(Piano playing)

I’m doing it!

Fuck!

You see, you wanna know what the mistake we made today was?

Nobody is reading NOW Magazine.

Yeah?

- I love print media. - You love print media?

- I like print media. - You like print media?

(Burping) I like print media.

But NOW Magazine is basically a feminist weekly!

I’m a fem-- I’m a feminist.

Oh, me too, absolutely.

Yeah, that’s what you say to kind of avoid being like...

That’s what you say.

Shh, okay. Come on, baby.

I’m going through, I’m about to finish!

- Santa Claus Parade. - Great, man.

Check it out, I’m going!

Yes!

Fuck you, Donkey Kong!

♪