Original subtitles

(Piano playing)

So I think that we should begin with, you know,

sort of like a very simple scene where

they don’t know we’re a band yet.

Because they’re gonna see, okay,

Nirvanna The Band plays The Rivoli tonight.

Instantly people are going, "What the hell?"

Hey, just before you start, let’s do like

it’s the start of a sitcom or something, and it’s like...

(Piano playing)

So we’re upstage, and we-- you get started.

(Piano playing)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much

for coming to the show tonight!

I’m Matt, and this is Jay, and we are Nirvanna The Band!

And we’re gonna put on a hell of a show!

Actually, you can’t say that,

because then if you say it’s gonna be a great show,

then right away every hipster in the audience is like, "Uh-huh?"

That’s true.

Don’t say it’s gonna be a good show, say...

- It’s gonna be a bad show. - It’s gonna be a bad show.

- Right. - Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen-- (Piano chord)

Start from the top.

(Piano slide)

Ladies and gentlemen, I got news for ya.

This show is gonna be a bit of a piece of shit!

No, w-- why would you say that?

Well, we just finished saying that we can’t go up and say

that it’s gonna be good.

No, I...

We need to think about is what...

(Crunching)

No, we need to make a good first impression.

Yeah, that’s right, we’re doing first impressions.

- Who are these guys? - Yeah, exactly.

They look a little-- you know, I’m not sure if I trust them.

Yeah, exactly, white guys.

And then there’s a little bit of a tension...

(Piano playing)

It’s like... Sam Neill when he’s about to see the dinosaurs

for the first time.

That’s a good first impression.

Jurassic Park leaves a great first impression.

Oh yeah, that’s right!

- He’s got the glasses on. - He’s got the glasses on.

And he’s looking at the thing.

And then finally she turns his head.

(Piano playing)

And he sees...

(Jurassic Park theme playing)

(Gasping)

It’s a brontosaurus.

♪

Do you see it?! It’s a brontosauru--

♪

(Piano playing)

Okay, it’s ringing!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Hello, hi.

May I please speak to your, uh, the...

Your boss.

The boss.

Uh, booking.

We’re a band, we’re trying to get a show there.

Please, booking agent.

Okay, thank you very much.

(Phone ringing)

So, this guy comes on-- Or maybe it’s a girl, who knows?

If it’s a woman, I’m gonna do the real, "Hey, how you doing?

What’s..." you know what I mean?

The real sappy man.

But I’m saying, if it is a woman?

very different than if it’s a man.

- Don’t let them hear us-- - Of course not.

What, you think that they’d just pick up the phone, listen?

Four girls around the phone?

(Giggling) "The boys called!"

It’s not Dream Phone, or whatever that game was.

- Remember that? - Just be ready.

I know, I’m just saying your situation is--

Put yourself in the headspace of booking the show, please?

I’m there!

I’m saying if it’s a woman, we gotta act like tough, macho...

"Hey!" like--

Hello?

Hi, this is Matt.

I’m-- I’m calling about my band.

I’m wondering if you had a chance to look at our package

a little while ago.

Just following up basically.

Uh, Nirvanna The Band.

(Whispering) We’re ready to play!

And so we just basically wanted to let you know that

we’re ready to play, and we wanted to know what you thought.

Uh, no, no, we dropped a package off in person.

And I think it was July 5th or something around then?

Uh, it was to just somebody right outside,

and they said yep, they’re gonna bring it right in.

We figured it was gonna go right to you.

Oh man.

Yeah, well, we don’t have any band photos

or anything like that to...

Yeah, of course. Yeah, we know.

Okay, alright, well we’ll do that.

We will get you... We will get you band evidence.

We will get it for you now, okay?

Yes!

I mean, that could’ve gone better--

It’s okay.

So it did go well.

What the fuck is band evidence?

Oh yes!

(Laughing)

- What? - I got the VHS tapes.

(Whispering)

What are you getting tapes for, man?

Bird, what the fuck are you doing?

Images of Rock and Roll.

- Okay. - They actually had them.

- Look at this. - Jurassic Park.

- Home Alone. - Who cares about--

- The Negotiator! - The Negotiator?

- Sammy J. - Okay.

Look, what do you see in common?

All these famous musicians, okay?

What do you see?

Huh? What’s that?

Huh? You seeing it?

- Yeah. - Right?

What ties it all together?

Leather pants.

It’s not leather pants, look--

Cigarettes, exactly.

They’re all smoking.

Rock stars all smoke cigarettes.

They’re also all wearing leather pants.

Okay, but that’s not what makes them look cool.

What’s your name?

Marc, we’re a band called Nirvanna The Band.

We’re trying to make a photograph

to give to The Rivoli.

And we’re gonna smoke cigarettes in our picture

just like these guys, right?

Do you think that would look cool?

Exactly.

Actually, that’s a good question.

Who’s gonna take the photograph of us?

Are you a photographer?

Fuck, Marc.

What’d you just say?

- Yeah, Sears. - Wait, what?

Sears?

BOTH: Sears!

(Muzak playing)

What are you doing?

You can’t wear those.

Why?

They’re too tight, you...

That’s okay, that’s what bands do.

They wear tight pants.

Yeah, but those are crazy tight.

Put your shoes back on.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Okay, so what do you want us to do? Like...

- Yeah, alright, sure. - And you’re like this.

No, no, like this, this way.

Oh, yeah.

If you feel like the leather pants are sort of a centrepiece,

we can do one with just me or...

- You look perfect. - Cool, alright.

(Laughing)

Maybe some of the cigarette stuff is...

Also, maybe what you gotta do is just relax a bit,

and don’t put so many cigarettes in your mouth,

and just... you know the way you act at home?

- Yeah. - That’s cool.

Okay.

You don’t need to put anything on right now

just ’cause you’re in the photo booth.

Right, right, right, right, sorry.

You know what? I’m a little bit out of my comfort zone.

(Chuckling)

(Streetcar honking)

Uh, yeah, I’m feeling good about the picture.

I’ll walk over and give him the picture, what’s the issue?

I’m not stressed, I’m not stressed.

Hi, how are you, hi.

I didn’t say you were.

I know-- Well, then why keep saying it?!

- Stop yelling at me! - I’m ready to go!

(Car honking) Oh, sorry, sorry.

Like what do I do? What do I do?

- I just walk in? - Wow, look at that.

(Car honking)

Jay, get off the street, man!

Okay, just-- you know what?

Give it to the... Give it to the redheaded waitress over there.

(Muttering)

- Excuse me? - Yeah?

Uh, here.

This is a picture of our band.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- It went great! - Yeah?

She said great, she seemed happy, she smiled, she looked--

I bet you she was just eating it up.

Right now she’s taking it in, showing it to

the booking manager, and they’re saying, "Okay, we got it, guys."

Stop, stop.

What?

(Sad piano music)

What the hell?

Ah, look at it!

Excuse me, watch your feet!

♪

God, Matt, we screwed up.

This is not a good first impression.

This is a small impression.

The picture’s too small.

(Musical chime)

The first thing The Rivoli sees needs to be big.

(Musical chime)

We need to be big, and this is...

What? I’m...

(Montage music playing)

♪

♪

♪

How does Sam Jackson stay so calm?

How does Sam Jackson stay so calm?

Did he hear that a fucking hurricane’s

about to hit Jurassic Park!

Shhh, relax.

I just feel like I wanna see some emotion from Sam!

He’s the head of security!

Newman hacked Jurassic Park, and he’s acting like oh!

I can’t hear the movie!

Let me... I’ll sum it up for you.

Sam’s fucked!

♪

(Guitar playing)

(Guitar playing)

(Grunting)

Alright.

I can’t believe we’re actually doing this!

(Grunting)

Okay, this is good.

Get down, get down, get down!

(Panting)

Okay.

(Laughing)

They’re never gonna see it coming!

(Laughing)

♪

Okay, ready?

Three, two, one, go!

(Jurassic Park theme playing)

Is it good? Does it look good?

We’ll come down!

♪

(Laughing)

(Clapping)

Oh my god!

Look at that!

Look at it, we’re on Queen Street.

Oh my god.

♪

People at The Rivoli looking?

- Yeah. - Hi.

It’s working. People see it!

See, that’s a first impression.

Dude, this is it!

- Yeah, it looks good! - Are you kidding?

It looks good, we look amazing.

I wonder if we should hide now,

and let’s let the banner do its work.

I bet you we get home, there’s a call waiting for us,

it’s The Rivoli... - Hey, what is that?

- What is that? - That’s our poster.

Did you not see it until now?

Is that my penis?

How did that happen?

How did my penis fall out?

(Pants ripping)

- Oh! - What was that sound?

(Laughing)

Why would you take your dick out during the photo shoot?!

I didn’t take it out, it must’ve been the leather pants!

They must’ve been too tight!

I mean, this is as stupid as it gets on your part!

I told you don’t wear the leather pants!

And then you did, and they burst, and your dick came out!

And now your dick is on the fucking poster!

And now everybody’s looking at it,

thinking why is this guy’s dick on a poster?

Why, you had to bring the leather pants with vanity!

You had every opportunity not to wear the leather pants!

I said, "Who wears leather pants?!"

And now you’re looking like the dick man!

You’re looking like the penis dude!

This is mythic, classic Greek shit!

This is old school, dude, very old school!

(Laughing)

This is a classic instant karma!

This guy wanted to have leather pants on, and then he put ’em on

and they burst, and your dick comes out!

Ayeee...

Okay, alright.

Yeah, okay, buddy, alright, we’ll get out of this one.

It’s gonna be fine, we just need some paint.

Well, that’s it, the plan’s completely done.

No, it’s not done, it’s fine.

No, we’re not doing anything else with the plan.

The plan’s done.

What do you mean the plan’s done?

- Look! - It’s done!

We made the worst first impression!

- No, no, no... - We totally screwed it up.

Not even, it still could be a great first impression!

Look, come on!

It’s easy for you to say.

Come on, you didn’t have your dick out there.

Fill in the pants, it’ll be fine!

You’re not going to fill in anything.

The plan’s done, I’m not going back there.

- I’m not showing my face. - But you understand?

- Fill in the pants... - Stop telling me the plan!

I’m trying to help you!

This is gonna get us a show at the fucking Rivoli!

You don’t understand, I’m saying this will not help us!

It’s over, Matt! I’m not going back out there!

It’s not over, what’s wrong with you?

Your penis isn’t out on Queen Street!

Yeah, maybe a few people saw it, but that’s it!

Why don’t I take your penis out, put it on Queen Street?!

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you like that.

Can you do me a favour?

Can you relax, please?

- No. - Relax.

You know, it’s easy to tell people to relax.

Oh, just relax, Bird!

Okay?

- I’m not gonna relax! - Relax...

I’ll keep an eye on it.

Maybe it’ll swing south like the last one.

A fucking hurricane is about to hit Jurassic Park.

He doesn’t give a fuck.

What’s your secret, Sam? (Echoing)

Oh!

(Muffled talking)

♪

(Lighter flicking)

The animals can’t manufacture the amino acid lyscene,

unless they’re completely...

MATT: How is Sam Jackson so calm?

Hold onto your butts.

...Mr. Queen Street Penis, Mr. Queen Penis, Queen of all--

Hey, hey.

- What the ---? - Just watch.

Smoke that, smoke that, smoke that.

This makes you happy? Hmm?

How do you feel?

If we do go back out there, we’re gonna need disguises.

Right, okay, yeah, disguises.

Hold onto your butts!

(Car honking)

Okay, see?

If we’re dressed like ourselves,

no one can expect us under these.

So what happens if somebody comes up to us?

You gotta just let me do the talking, okay?

- I’m here! - Are we here?

Oh yeah, we are, okay, good.

Sorry.

Put the stuff down.

Okay.

- Okay, so it’s down there. - How you doing?

What do you think?

You got it!

We’re not in Nirvanna The Band.

We work for... we’re... we work for Nirvanna The Band.

And uh, we’re part of the Nirvanna The Band street team.

We’re puppeteers.

Nobody knows it’s us!

(Laughing)

Okay, hold my thing.

This will just take a second.

Uh... okay.

I can’t really see what... This is pretty runny stuff.

You know, actually, this is not so bad, right?

I don’t have the best range of vision.

Whoa, jeez.

I should’ve put in a bigger eye hole!

Tilt it back, you can see it move!

Yeah, I can’t, I’m trying!

- Hold on. - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!

You’re getting the wrong spot!

Okay, I’m taking off the head, I gotta take it off!

- You’re taking it off? - I have to!

(Grunting)

Whoa, jeez!

Your identity is blown!

Yeah, well it’s also not my dick on Queen Street.

I don’t care if they see me.

Hey!

Okay, plan’s changing a bit.

Uh, okay, so yeah, we have a banner...

or Nirvanna the-- somebody graffitied a dick on your store,

and we’re getting it off, we’re cleaning it off for you.

Don’t worry.

Fast, it’s gonna be fast!

This is-- This is a five-- This is a five minute job!

And when it’s done, it’ll be beautiful, you’ll love it!

Okay.

It’s too high!

Make sure you get the penis!

(Grunting)

Oh jeez, now there’s an arrow pointing at it!

- The fuck! - You gotta calm down.

Remember, painting is therapeutic!

Oh my god, this isn’t long enough!

The fucking pole is not long enough!

Reach!

I’m reaching, I’m reaching, I can’t get...

Okay, the problem is you’re not calm right now.

I need you to be calm!

This paint is dripping all over the place!

What is this stuff?

It’s wood varnish!

How did you-- (Siren wooping)

Oh god, oh man, the cops are here!

- Relax, relax! - I can’t relax!

Will you shut up with relax?

What the fuck, you keep say--

(Musical chime)

What?

(Musical chime)

I don’t know!

(Musical chime)

(Slowed down) Cigarettes relax you.

Here, take this.

Uh, okay, do we have a lighter?

Yeah, we do.

Cigarettes!

Smoking cigarettes relaxes you!

Give it to me!

So you’re gonna take this, okay?

Good.

- Light it. - I’m ready.

I’m over here, can you see me?

I can’t find you, man!

You’re missing me, man, you’re gonna burn my face!

You’re hiding from me! Where are ya?

- Whoa, whoa whoa whoa! - What’s happening?

(Dramatic music)

What?

I think the pole is on fire!

I lit the pole!

(Screaming)

Oh ---!

I can’t see!

Take the helmet off, take it off!

Come on, come on, come on!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

(Shouting)

Run here!

(Dramatic music)

Oh my god.

(Fire truck blaring)

♪

(Fire truck blaring)

♪

Well, I mean, at least it’s a first impression.

That is a first impression.

It’s a bad first impression.

Yeah, that’s a bad first impression.

We can make a second first impression.

No, you can’t make a second first impression.

That’s it, because...

(Jurassic Park theme playing)

♪

(Piano playing)

What about this for a plan?

NOW Magazine every week publishes the band listings.

Are you listening?

Do you think these make me look cool?

No.

Um, what--

I liked where we were going before.

- It’s like a smoky-- - Fantastic, smoky...

Fantastic and smoky, like a detective-y sort of thing.

Um, yeah, yeah, I know.

That’s fantastic.

- Smoky. - Smoky.

Really get like some... (Piano playing)

Oh, that looks amazing.

Wow.

Today’s plan didn’t work...

(Piano playing)

...and I’m gonna find out who’s responsible.

(Piano playing)

The guy who switched my paint for varnish...

thinks he’s real funny.

(Trumpet noise)

We’re gonna see how funny it is when I got him...

strapped down on the chair with a hot poker up his asshole.

(Piano playing)

Maybe he’s one of those sick fucks,

laughs at his own ass getting poked with a hot poker.

(Piano playing)

But if not, I’ll be doing the laughing, thank you very much.

(Piano playing)

(Screaming)

(Coughing)

Wrong pipe, in the eye, same time!

- Let’s quit smoking. - I’m done!

♪