Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

The heart is the size of a closed fist

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

and has a shape similar to an upside-down pear.

The heart is the organ which symbolizes love,

it follows the rhythm of our emotions.

An adult heart beats 60-70 times a minute.

A person in love has a faster heartbeat,

often reaching 100 beats per minute without realizing.

The heart is the last to die.

It continues beating even outside the body,

even when your loved one leaves you,

even when you no longer want to suffer.

You are no longer in control when you're in love.

When your heart beats fast for another person,

you 'are no longer in control, your heart is.

This manual of love

will guide you through the various phases of love.

This is a true guide which does not intend to teach you anything

but is conscious of the fact that when certain people are in love,

they find it difficult and need help.

This manual explores the strongest arteries of love.

Men don't know why they fall in love, they just fall head over heels.

Sometimes they become ridiculous, confused or even dangerous.

We will help you.

If you can persevere and follow this path with us,

you will learn a lot about love.

Now get your remote control and go to Track 1 of this CD.

Good luck.

I'm done.

See you on Thursday.

MANUAL OF LOVE

Here I am.

I'm a contributor to unemployment statistics.

No job, no money, and more importantly, no girlfriend.

We need people with at least six years of experience.

- These are for you. - No, this is number three.

How many years have you worked?

No, that’s Russian.

How long have you worked as a salesman?

Six years.

How long?

Six years... Exactly.

- How old are you? - Twenty-three...

Twenty-seven... six... How old do you want me?

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Just tell me, could anything worse happen?

A black cat!

What's she doing?

She stopped for the black cat? That's a first!

She stopped to give me her bad luck!

And she's acting nonchalant! This is not your lucky day, bitch!

Go on, go.

I know exactly what you're doing!

That black cat crossed your path.

It's your bad luck, not mine! Accept it and get a life!

How selfish! This is just my luck!

What the hell is your problem? I’m meeting a friend.

What black cat?

- Carlotta, why are you shouting? - It's this idiot.

He’s talking about a black cat and bad luck...

What an idiot!

I thought you stopped because of the cat...

it was a coincidence...

Very interesting!

- Where's Crumble? - Out here.

Well, young man...

watch me,

all right?

Now I'll get the bad luck instead of you.

Actually, I got it twice because the black cat is mine.

I'm sorry.

You have no idea what a bad day I'm having...

Everything is going wrong, sorry.

You need help. You're too wound up.

Yes, I am.

Let's go.

So... let's see...

Two failed job interviews...

You made a complete fool of yourself. Well done, Tommaso!

Some days I shouldn't even get out of bed!

Idiot!

You really are an idiot!

You should be ashamed believing in black cats at your age!

- Why are you there? - You idiot!

Bloody hell!

FALLING IN LOVE

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

What do I say if she comes out?

Hi, I'm the idiot from yesterday.

I'm here to throw another fit.

Carlotta, I'm coming.

No, wait. I'm not Carlotta.

I was here yesterday... the black cat guy...

I was passing by and I saw Crumble running away again.

So I rang your buzzer to bring him back.

- Oh... Ill be right there. - Alright.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Ouch, ouch! Be nice!

Relax, relax.

Here he is. I've brought Crumble back.

Aren't you afraid he's bad luck?

Well, no. I'm allergic to cat hair though.

I didn't think he was bad luck last time either.

And I wasn't just passing by to bring your cat back.

I came by to apologize to you and your friend.

I was so rude to her yesterday.

Hold on a minute.

Carlotta... it won't start?

I'll just go by myself...

I'll get a taxi, I'll manage...

Do you want a lift? I've got my scooter.

If you want... I'd take you anywhere.

I mean, anywhere you have to go.

I’m not doing anything today.

I don't even know your name.

Who are you?

This Giulia girl is really hot.

Who am I? My name’s Tommaso.

I’m 23 and I’m unemployed...

I mean... I'm unemployed right now.

My parents are separated but that's not such a bad thing

because I get money from both of them.

The girlfriend I had for two years was seeing her ex-boyfriend as well.

That's where I got my obsession for ex-boyfriends.

Ex-boyfriends

make me freaking crazy

I don't own anything, not even this scooter

which belongs to Dante, my roommate for two years.

That's it, nothing else to say about me.

It's incredible but true.

Yes! Ten to 10:00.

Thanks, that was really kind of you.

- What do you do? - I'm an interpreter.

Sometimes I show people the city.

- I'm a tour guide. - Cool!

- I have to go, bye. - Listen. Giulia...

- I want to ask you something. - Quickly, I'm late.

I'd like to see you again.

So if you don't mind, maybe you could give me your number.

I'll call you. I'd really like to see you again.

- 3-3-3... - Thirty-three...

- 7-8... - 7-8...

- 8-2-1. - 8-2-1.

Thanks, bye.

I'm coming.

I got it!

I'm calling her... "It's Tommaso, remember me?"

Hello, is Giulia there?

Wrong number?

You won't get rid of me like that!

Miss, excuse me.

Isn't it a bit old-fashioned to give the wrong number

to the guy who so kindly gave you a lift to work?

- May I have a word? - Yes.

- Listen you... - My name's Tommaso.

What the hell do you want from me?

Calm down, will you? Take it easy.

I just want one hour of your time

when you’re through with this tour, that's all.

Look, I don’t like you. Is that clear?

Will you go now?

Why are you such a pain?

I know what I'll do. I’ll wait here for you, okay?

When you finish, we can leave together.

You’d better leave right now.

Where can we meet then? Please tell me where.

Let's meet outside my house, at half past five.

Now just go.

I'll go there now, so I'll be there if you get done early.

And if Crumble runs away, I'll bring him back.

- Great. - Great!

Bye, see you later.

Where are the police when you need them?

No! Not him again!

Shit! I'd completely forgotten.

I saw Crumble earlier, he ran into that garden.

I tried to catch him but he got away.

How's it going?

We're going somewhere.

Right... something happened...

- What happened? - An accident...

Her mom was involved in an accident this morning...

and we're going to the hospital...

She's fine but I have to see her.

Of course, I'm sorry...

Just give me your real number. I'll call you later.

It's the same one you have, just add a 6.

Do you want mine while...

Are you deaf? We're in a hurry.

Wait, just a minute.

347 2110831

- I'm really sorry. - Bye. sorry.

Why won't she answer? It's ringing, but there's no answer.

When your friend falls in love, you never know how to act.

You either want to knock some sense into him.

or you automatically turn into his shrink.

He tells you everything but you couldn't give a shit,

because romantic problems are a load of crap.

He can't even understand simple concepts like this one:

Have you tried being anonymous?

How?

Call her from another phone. Like mine.

If she answers, you'll know she doesn't want to speak to you.

You're a genius, Dante!

Your brain's small but compact, like a Doberman's.

Oh; God. What if she answers?

Hello, Giulia... Hi, it's Tommaso.

Well, I was thinking... maybe tonight...

if you don’t have any plans...

You're going to the movies with Carlotta.

Alright, well... maybe tomorrow...

Tomorrow then. Okay, you'll call me.

What am I saying?

I've got your number. I'll call you.

Bye, okay. Bye.

- Well? - You're shameless!

I know she's lying.

She's not going out with Carlotta, but that’s okay.

It's a point in my favor because she's lying, not me.

- Can I use your car? - No.

Thanks, Dante.

You're a true friend.

See you later.

Ask me whatever you want from now on.

You see? He won't listen to anyone.

It's the hedonistic phase of love,

where only his damn problems matter.

- You're not using my car! - Where are the keys?

Now's the time to make a little vow.

If I get this girl, I swear I'll stop smoking.

I swear.

How do I hide my number?

# 31 #... Ill get you this time.

- Hello? - It's Tommaso, sorry it's so late.

Hi. Tommaso. It is a bit late.

I wanted to know if you liked the film

and say goodnight.

Oh, thanks...

The film was good, yes...

Listen, are you still with Carlotta?

No, Carlotta's left.

I'm in bed already.

You must be tired and want to sleep.

Yes. that's right.

Tomorrow morning at half past seven, I have a group of Spanish tourists.

Goodbye then.

I just wanted to say that...

you're a really great liar.

What?

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see how far you'd go. Goodnight.

Who do you think you are?

I don't like being followed,

and I don't have to tell anyone what I do.

- Who were you kissing? - None of your business!

- I caught you! - What?

What do you want from me?

How dare you wait for me outside my house!

Carlotta's right. You are crazy.

- Listen you... - My name's Giulia.

Okay, Giulia. Listen...

you should be nicer to people who are interested in you,

because if you were short and fat, you'd be dying to go out with me.

You don't even know me but 3 times already you've said you don't like me.

Fair enough, you don't like me.

But if that was your ex-boyfriend you just kissed,

well, honey, you're like all the other women.

When you're lonely and depressed...

you'd rather stay in the past than move on.

Goodnight.

So he is an ex.

How about this... I'll go to the movies with you.

But promise not to try anything.

Like trying to kiss me on the doorstep...

I don't want to do the cobra.

No Cobra. I promise.

Come on!

You can stay in the shower forever and you'll still be an idiot.

I’ll kill you if you use up all the hot water.

Can you lend me 20 euros?

Listen, you haven't paid the rent for three months.

I always do the shopping, I pay the bills.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Dante, I have two pieces of bad news for you.

I need your car and your number 8 t-shirt.

Not my number 8 t-shirt. It's clean.

Did you expect me to wear it dirty?

Thanks, Dante.

I'll remember this...

I said no, listen to me.

I said no, and don't slap me. It bothers me.

I'm not totally against plastic surgery.

But my mom's old-fashioned. She says it's against nature.

Oh, who cares... nature can be changed.

What am I going to say to him? Why did I say yes?

What if he's one of those idiots who always makes compliments?

I can't put up with that...

My God, my hair looks like a mushroom cloud.

It's Dante's shit conditioner,

I shouldn't have used it!

I'm going to kill him.

Listen...

Do you think...

my hair looks like a mushroom cloud?

Yes!

I knew it!

- What are we going to see? - I don't know.

Why don't we go out to dinner instead?

You want to go to dinner?

No, not dinner! I've only got 20 euros!

A restaurant?

The homeless shelter won't even feed us for 20 euros.

- No. - Why not?

We said we'd go to the movies...

We haven't reserved a table.

And I'm wearing my movie clothes.

I'd need to go home and change.

- A seafood place by the beach? - That would work.

I know a nice place.

I just hope it's open or else...

Or else I'll kill myself.

Livia, you're right,

but I didn't want to tell her you're my sister.

- You're still a mushroom. - What?

Your hair.

I didn't want to come across as a loser on our first date,

or a tightwad.

But the fact is I have no money.

Do me a favor, pretend you don't know me.

Treat me like a regular client,

bring me the bill, I'll give you my credit card,

you just pretend.

Did I say something wrong?

- It's bullshit. - What's bullshit?

This performance is bullshit.

Salty or sweet water?

- What? - I'm joking, still or sparkling?

- Still, please. - He wants sparkling.

- Who? - Tommaso.

So he comes here often?

Of course! His sister feeds him for free!

- Is that his sister? - She sure isn’t his mom!

Sorry...

I was in the toilet...

Sorry for tine mess, but I've just opened.

It's empty but it's more romantic, right?

Yes. definitely.

Would you like some fish?

Do you have fresh scampi?

Why doesn't he tell me it's his sister?

- Let me show you. - There's no need.

- We trust you. - Drinks?

Wine? House white.

Our house?

I said your house white, right?

- Of course. - Of course, your house wine.

She's a little naive...

It's not fancy, but the food's good.

- Why the show? - What show?

The waiter told me she's your sister.

Tommaso, get up, say thank you and disappear forever.

- Why didn't you tell me? - Oh... the waiter...

The waiter told you?

The older you get, the more you're a dumbass!

Drink this!

He told you? That’s incredible!

How ridiculous!

Men are just like that. They talk bullshit.

He got angry at me.

I thought I wasn't a loyal sister.

I have the worst luck!

A nosey waiter, that's a first!

He goes around saying, "That's his brother, his cousin..."

Uncle, aunt!

What are you doing here?

Hello, darling!

- Go to bed. - No way.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, it's just me and this little beauty here.

There's something really sweet about Tommaso.

Sweet and cunning!

Shall I read to you a bit?

No, please!

Go on.

"Your age is not important,

but if you're older than forty, our advice is:

Follow this rehabilitation

because at a certain age, the pains of love are devastating."

What kind of shit is this?

I get 300 euros every time I make a recording!

It's a CD. It's called "Manual of Love"

Why can't you miraculously fall in love with me?

Look at me. I'm not that bad.

- Are you tired? - A bit.

Plus, he's shy...

My God, I'd rip that dress off with my teeth.

Giulia, please. Don't go all mushy now.

Let's call it a night.

I'm going to say something stupid.

- We can be friends if you like. - Friends? No. not friends.

I can't do that...

I'm not saying I've fallen in love with you...

But I'm not very far off.

I'm sorry.

Can I at least give you a hug?

Don't be absurd, say yes. Please.

No. we'd better not.

Ouch! That hurt!

Why am I letting him go like that?

After all, he just wanted a hug.

Tommaso, I wanted to tell you...

I wanted to tell you that I left my bag in your car.

Oh, your bag. Right.

But I've never kissed anyone by mistake.

It's true, when you find love, everything else falls into place.

I found a job in a bookshop in town.

The owner must be gay. Maybe he has a crush on me.

He pays me 900 euros a month! A ton!

Giulia lives with us, but Dante's not happy

because we use the bathroom for hours.

Or maybe he's jealous because I'm happy.

Who's this big furry animal? Who's this black furry animal?

Look at you. you're so sweet.

I'm going... Bye.

Honey...

Yes, love?

Bye!

Bah, when people are in love, they don't listen to anyone.

Merry Christmas!

Come here, puppy dog, daddy's favorite...

Will you marry me?

Say that again...

Will you marry me?

I wanted him to say it a thousand times.

Women love hearing that question.

Will you marry me?

It's a ritual of love!

Thanks to Checco and Monica.

Checco and Monica's show

is dedicated to Tommaso and Giulia who are on their honeymoon!

Let's hear it!

Let the happy couple come onto the floor!

The happy couple!

Go with the salsa!

- Let's go! - Yes!

- Let's go to bed. - Oh! Sure...

All this happy couple and salsa stuff...

Are you awake?

I need to talk to you, wake up.

I'd like to take Checco and Monica's class.

Whose?

Checco and Monica's class. The fire dancers.

They give lessons in the afternoons. It would be fun, wouldn't it?

There was real chemistry between them...

When they passed the torch to each other...

it's like they're passing real energy!

You scare me when you talk like that.

Why?

Do I look like I could pass torches and energy like them?

Show me you're interested in something I like for once.

Just pretend! It can't be that bad!

I hate those things. I like parachuting.

I want to hang like a bat from a parachute!

Then I won't talk to spoil your holiday!

THE BREAKDOWN

Is the heat on?

Why don't you put a jumper on?

Fine, but is the heat on?

Why don't you feel the radiator?

Look at the TV.

There are some animals, look.

I care about it as much as you do!

You can change the channel. I'm not interested in it.

Darling, I was just saying. There's nothing on anyway.

I really don’t care...

I'm exhausted...

I'm going to bed.

Are you coming, Cochis? Goodnight, darling!

Goodnight, darling.

Good night darling. good night darling!

Good night darling, my ass!

God, I can't stand him.

Why is he like that?

Where are you going? Stay on the right!

Keep your hands on the wheel! Please!

You can't drive, let's go back.

You're so jumpy!

You make me nervous.

Leave me alone. I’ll get there.

What? Your reflexes don't work!

Can you hear me? Your reflexes don't work!

- You're aiming for people! - Says who?

I do! You're a crazy driver.

At your age, once your license expires, that's it!

You're not very nice. Where's your compassion?

He never used to eat like that.

Look how he chews!

Be quiet! Stop being so noisy!

He gets worse every day.

He's not how he used to be.

It's like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers!"

- What are you looking at? - Nothing...

Nothing? You're staring at me, Barbara.

Are you making fun of me or something?

I was thinking.

Then tell me what you were thinking about.

We should start talking about what we think.

If we're thinking anything at all!

Alright, if you must know, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Don't worry.

I was thinking that you’re really disgusting when you eat!

You were right about the truth, next time keep your mouth shut.

No, Marco. You've changed.

Why have you changed?

Why don't you talk about your work anymore?

When I met you, you were different!

You were happy, with a sparkle in your eyes,

you liked people, you liked your job.

People? My job? "The hills are blooming..."

What do you want me to say?

That today an old woman crashed into a wall?

Do you want me to talk about cylinders?

Cylinders, internal combustion engines?

"That’s when the spark plug ignites."

- Did you just whack me one? - Yes.

Sorry.

Hold his hand.

No, please. I'm scared when they're so small.

I couldn't pick him up the first week either.

Now I pick him up, I turn him over...

- I could even dismantle him. - And put him back together?

What I love most about children is their smell.

Remember when Achille was a baby? I was always sniffing him.

Smell him.

It's like talcum powder or milk.

It's really....

I think there's also a weird smell...

That's stronger than talcum powder.

But I've just changed him!

Darling, what did you do? That's a big one!

It's a poo-poo for daddy!

I'll change him.

Changing his diaper has become a ritual.

I made pasta without tuna for you. You're allergic, right?

Yes, thanks.

Achille, what the.. what did you do?

Slut!

Remember what they told us. "Just ignore him."

No problem. We'll lay the table again.

Just act normal!

No spanking?

Just act normal.

Listen when he does that. He's dreaming.

- How do you know? - The pediatrician told me.

You can tell because his eyes flicker.

- He's so tiny. - What?

He's so tiny and pure!

Oh, can you pass the salt?

I don't use salt because I'm breastfeeding.

Does salt go into your tits?

- What? - Yes, it goes into your tits.

Look, here he comes.

It's amazing, I screamed like a madwoman

but I can't remember the pain.

These people are crazy! What are we watching?

Watching a birth isn't like looking at holiday photos.

These people are really sick!

Isn't this a bit too much?

No, Marco. It's nature.

But nature says we need to digest after eating.

It's gross. Sorry, it's great.

What a shame, my batteries ran out.

I'm Hannibal, the Cannibal!

But that's... Achille is with the baby!

Achille, you're such a pain.

Homo!

- Look what he's done! - Where did he get the mayonnaise?

No spanking?

Why don't we have one?

What?

A baby.

After a night like tonight?

I feel like killing all children tonight!

I should have expected that.

You only look at the bad things about tonight.

The film of the birth...

everyone going crazy, noisy kids.

You don't understand that there's life behind a kid's poo.

What just came out of your mouth?

"Life behind a kid's poo." How deep!

Come on, don't get angry.

It really was a deep statement.

You're so touchy! I can't say anything to you.

You said something philosophical

and I just made a joke.

"Life behind a kid's poo." Alright!

Barbara, let's be honest.

You can't have kids to get over marriage problems.

That's criminal.

First you have to sort out your problems.

We can have plenty of kids, but our problems come first.

What am I supposed to do? I'm no spring chicken.

How long are these problems going to last?

I don't know. I don't even know why they started.

I don't know when they will end.

Yes, but you’re not doing anything about it.

When I suggest a solution,

you laugh at me like I'm stupid.

You don't want to work it out because you're happy like this.

Admit it. you're happy like this.

That's not true! That's bullshit!

Because what kind of solutions do you suggest?

- Checco and Monica? - What?

So what?

I'm Checco. I'm Monica, with the fire."

"I'm horny. I'm horny, too."

"Come on, give me your energy."

Come on, is that going to solve our problems?

But we'll end up splitting up

and starting a divorce which will keep us apart forever!

I want to work this out just as much as you

but we have to find a way together.

An intelligent way, though. Not this nonsense!

Follow your instincts. Abandon yourselves.

What does your partner mean to you?

Draw them, on this sheet of paper.

Don't be embarrassed.

Let yourselves go.

Listen to the music.

Just a dot?

Not much, is it?

Well, but...

I'm going.

Hey, where are you going?

- What do you mean? - Right. Cinzia's birthday.

I completely forgot, sorry.

You can still come if you want.

No. Barbara. I'd rather...

I've lost my voice, I'm getting a cold...

I'd better go to bed...

They're all couples, so...

I'd spread my germs to everyone.

- I'd infect all of you. - You're right.

Bye, then!

They’re all couples. How boring.

Drink!

And now...

I can't drink anymore!

What's his name? Come on...

I'll give you a clue. His name's Ro...

- Romolo! - No!

His name's Roberto!

You have to drink!

What a night!

You have to make the most of it.

Cochis, what are they teaching you? German, English...

Kiss, kiss!

What fool watches math lessons at 2 a.m.?

Cinzia, what?

Barbara?

- Where is she? - Over there.

She didn't want to go home so we stayed here.

She threw up. I made her coffee...

Then she wanted to go home.

She wanted you. So I called you.

When I said you were coming, she threw up again.

Again?

Our relationship is in big trouble! We have to sort it out.

Or I don't know what'll happen.

My head hurts.

- Come on. - I can’t.

Move your head slowly.

I threw up so much.

Hold on tight.

Slowly.

- Wait. - I'm cold.

Why did you draw a black dot?

I'm not a black dot!

She's been talking about a black dot all night. Why?

No idea. She's drunk!

Marco, is something wrong?

Cinzia, everything's wrong.

- Cheers, Cinzia! - Cheers!

Oh, I'm not drunk at all.

No, I’m not drunk.

We're not going home. We're going to a hotel.

- Let's go to a hotel then. - We're going to a hotel.

And we're going to live there.

If I'd been alone last night, or on a holiday, what would I have done?

Maybe I'd have had an affair? Yes, I would have.

Marco, we're in trouble!

Darling, drink up.

Thanks but I feel better now.

There's no point in going on.

I need to find the courage to make a decision.

She won't do it. so I will.

Barbara, I'm leaving you.

Barbara, I'm leaving you.

Darling, do you get jealous over me?

Of course I do, what a stupid question.

Of course I'm jealous.

What if I told you I kissed another man?

When?

Last night.

I don't like this game.

I danced with him all night, then I kissed him!

A real long kiss.

Then he stuck his tongue in, and I realized...

Holy shit!

No, I'm joking. But I'm glad you're jealous.

Shit, our car's being towed away!

Excuse me...

I was with my wife. We were talking.

It's only been ten minutes, please.

I've already called the tow truck. It’s been longer than 10 minutes.

Please, I need my car for work.

I'll pay the fine now.

If you take my car, I'm in serious trouble.

I've had a terrible night.

My wife's sick. She's drunk and throwing up.

If you take my car away, I'll be ruined!

We don't enjoy fining people.

You're the one who parked your car this way.

Alright then, tow my car away.

Junk it. I don't want to see it again.

I’ve hit a bad streak, that's all!

A really bad streak!

Bloody hell, bloody crap !

- Let the car down. - Who's going to pay me?

Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it!

Really?

- But I have to fine you. - I'll pay the fine, thanks.

Thanks, you are so kind.

Thanks.

What a nutcase.

And they say that female traffic police are... you know!

- Have, a good day. - You too.

How come you're so nice today?

Mind your own business!

- That's more like it! - Come on!

I think those two are on the rocks.

Their relationship is over. Look at them.

What do you know? Maybe they're madly in love!

Here’s your mom!

- Hi, Andrea! - Hi. Ornella.

Take your brat, he's been worse than usual today.

Look what he did!

Andrea, what did you do?

I’m sorry. What can I do?

Could I take your jacket to the cleaners?

I’m terribly sorry.

No, I’m used to it.

- And he’s my boyfriend, right? - No!

I guess he dumped me.

The fathers' play is in two days.

Your husband is playing a rabbit, remember?

Yes, he practices jumping around every night.

See you tomorrow, bye.

Gabriele, come on! Any primate could do it.

It's tricky and if it gets stuck, I'll break it.

Here's Andrea, riding his uncle.

I’m not his uncle, I'm a zebra.

Andrea wanted to tell you he ate all his food

and he's going to bed now, but he wanted to kiss you goodnight.

Oh, right.

Ride the zebra, ride the zebra.

Come on, concentrate.

I broke it.

No, it's my fault because I make you do these things!

You're good with woodworking tools,

zippers are too evolved for you.

It's scientific, love only lasts three years.

It's statistically proven. I read it in the paper.

Then there's sex. which lasts one and a half years.

Then passion, which lasts a few months.

And then affection, which should last a lifetime.

But I doubt more than 5 years...

After working a shift with you,

I feel like going straight home and jumping out the window.

- Good morning, Emilio. - Good morning.

Those scooters can't stay on the sidewalk.

But they're ours.

They may be but one day I'm going to have them all towed.

My peas will defrost!

At last. Good morning.

Mrs. Fiaschi always holds me up when I take the lift.

- You’ve waited long? - It's alright.

- On your way to do the news? - Yes.

Any special bulletins? Political news?

No, just the usual.

There's a good report on seagulls in the Roman dumps.

I might tape it.

I really must go, I'm on the air in forty minutes.

I love your summer uniform.

- Goodbye. - Thanks.

He's so macho!

Macho, macho, macho!

Look at this mess!

Gabriele, you should do this in the garage!

Damn!

Damn these frames.

Willy, you've stuck your head in the glue!

Willy, you look handsome. Freshly shaved!

You're very trendy.

Now you just have to sort out your breath,

it’s still a bit smelly.

A disturbing screeching...

freezes the blood and suddenly awakens

those who are nearby.

Formations of seagulls...

Darling, I made stuffed zucchini. Want some?

85% of Italian husbands cheat on their wives,

and 60% of wives cheat on their husbands.

My husband is kind and sweet. There's nothing else I could want.

Not even sex. It's sporadic but intense.

I love him. He's gentle, confused, but I love him.

Why would I cheat on him?

But when I see this newscaster, I get so hot all over for him!

THE AFFAIR

And then there was a rabbit that went...

How does a rabbit go?

He has no rhythm, he can't feel the beat.

I know, I've told him 100 times.

I told him that rabbits jump horizontally, not vertically.

And why don't you butt out!

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Once upon a time, there was a tiger...

- What animal is your husband? - An orangutan.

No, no...

Let me take this off.

Let's go in the other room!

Come on!

Darling, are you home?

Something smells good!

- Where's Andrea? - He's at my brother’s.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Go and wash your hands.

SHIT FACE

Darling, what's that writing in the bathroom?

FILTHY SWINE

DISGUSTING PIG

That fairy, the whore...

..what do rabbits have to do with fairies?

Nothing, it's part of the plot.

It's a joke, a fairy tale.

You make me sick. "It’s part of the plot?"

You’re pathetic!

A rabbit looking for a new sexual experience!

I don't understand.

I saw you kissing her.

You had your tongue in her ear! You're disgusting!

With your stupid, fake good-guy, lifeless expression!

How dare you cheat on me with that protozoan life form!

Honey, let me explain. It's not what you think.

Stop lying.

I can explain, forgive me. These things happen, honey.

Honey, my ass! My ass!

I won't forgive you, I'm leaving you!

I'm packing up and leaving!

If this house was mine,

I'd grab that lizard between your legs and throw you down the stairs!

But seeing that this shit hole

was bought by that witch of your mother

with your brain-dead father's pension money

I don't want anything from you, do you hear me?

I don't want anything from you!

You filthy swine! You prick!

What an idiot!

It's over!

It's over forever! I never want to see him again!

You have to think of your boy first. then yourself.

Should I let him cheat on me?

- Andrea needs his father. - But only one mother!

It's him!

I'm staying here. I'm not going downstairs.

But if I go. I'll kill him! Is that what you want?

- I'll go. - Thanks.

I’m coming. Don't make a fuss.

Yes, alright.

Deny everything, even when faced with proof.

Just lie.

What the hell am I going to say?

If he has the nerve to say he hasn't slept with her.

I swear I'll make him swallow his teeth.

It was just sex.

She'll break my nose with a head-butt.

I'll punch his mousy little nose in!

No, It's just a platonic relationship.

We're friends.

She saw us kissing.

A half-truth...

We kissed but it went no further.

You swine! You bastard!

Darling.

I can't live without you and Andrea.

Just tell me, if this is your final decision...

What have I got to live for?

Right! What have you got to live for?

What have you got to live for?

I'll kill myself, I mean it!

Good, just tell me when and where and I’ll help you!

So it's over then?

It's over, yes. It's over.

Yes, it's over. It's over.

I don't consider you a man anymore!

So what am I?

You’re fungus! Fungus!

It's an abuse of authority. You can't do that.

Please!

It's an abuse of authority!

You are right, but let's talk about it.

Forget it, give me your license.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

We only saw each other a few times.

Your license.

You know what really gets me?

That you found out now that it’s over.

We realized it was a mistake!

Jack. spare tire and reflective jacket.

Jacket?

Miss, as stated in the highway code.

you must have a reflective jacket in the vehicle.

If you're changing your tire

and another driver doesn't see you, they might catch your shirt

and drag you along the road,

thinking they ran over an animal.

A wild goose, a snake, a female dog...

They go backwards and forwards, over and over...

What's left of you? Your dismembered body.

Your battered corpse, and who's to blame?

That's half a point off your license.

Nothing happened, it was a mistake!

You haven't checked your tires!

Let’s see your windshield wipers!

- What’s wrong? - It’s broken!

Ornella, stop it.

- Ornella, I'm sorry. Please! - "Ornella, I'm sorry. Please!"

Pull yourself together, please!

Turn your hazard lights on!

Right away!

I tried to reason with her,

But no luck... she wouldn't listen.

Since then, Ornella has turned into an urban legend.

Ruthless, determined. vengeful and relentless.

Like all women who have been hurt.

she would give fines for the smallest offenses.

Only to men though, because they were her chosen victims.

It was mass slaughter.

27 confiscated licenses, 72 wheel clamps,

54 calls for the tow truck!

And that was in only two weeks!

And finally, the argument that brought Rome to a standstill.

Hell, what a day that was!

Viper! Yes, that's what I said!

Do you realize what you're saying?

I can't find a more suitable word than viper!

- So you said? - I said viper!

- Well, insulting a public officer... - What?

You're abusing your authority...

Your finger!

You're abusing your authority!

I was sitting calmly in my car!

You don’t look very calm!

You were double-parked, trying to act smart,

then when the female traffic cop comes along, you apologize

and think you can get away with it.

You could have whistled or knocked on my window.

Is that what I'm paid to do? Whistle?

Is that what I do? Knock on windows?

- You know what you do? - Your finger!

You creep up behind cars,

crouched down like a viper.

I’m using that word again! Viper!

- Say that again! - Viper!

You know what?

- I'll see you in court. - Great.

I'll see you in court, if that's what you want!

Do me a favor...

Look what a mess you've caused!

Drop dead!

What's going on? Are they fighting?

Pull over.

We've been beeping for ages! Move!

What’s going on here? Calm down!

This idiot double-parked.

He can't get his keys in the door. He's drunk.

I'm not drunk.

I'm just having relationship problems

and this is reflected in my emotional state.

But I can hold it together.

Alright, it's over. Go home, goodnight.

Give me your car keys. You can't drive in your condition.

- I’m good, aren't I? - Yes, very.

I'm sober.

I'll hold on to the car keys.

I'm a little confused. Do I know you?

- Traffic warden... my block... - Right.

You're in a state. What happened?

I wanted to move my car and those guys...

Look, you're a handsome man, a newscaster,

always so serious, then all of a sudden...

- Oh. you saw the report? - Yes.

I'm taking you home.

I'll deal with this!

- Is everything alright? - Yes. I know him!

- Can I go? - Bye.

Does that look like a toy siren?

Shall I dance for you?

You think it's funny? We'll see.

Your license, please!

Make sure you don't throw up on my uniform.

Nice shirt! Where's it from?

This is your evening uniform.

Listen, I'll leave you here.

I'll call the lift and you go on up.

I haven't seen you for a while.

Nice slip!

Nice shirt!

Hands off please!

Damn, what a tricky situation!

I'll fine you!

Where's the light?

Why? It's better in the dark.

Play something for me.

Oh, the traffic warden likes the harp!

No, I can’t go all the way to the bedroom.

I’m insulting a public officer.

Wait here, I’ll be right back.

Just two seconds!

How tacky! He has a satin robe like a boxer!

Are you stupid?

Yes, I'm stupid over you.

Wait.

Be quiet, Willy.

What are you doing here?

I came to pick up my mail.

At this time of night, with no shoes on?

I don't need heels to pick up my mail!

Have you forgiven me?

Yes.

Let's go home!

I'm just asking for understanding and common sense.

We're talking about a man...

who after ten years of marriage,

was suddenly left by his wife!

A rash, hasty decision

which left my client feeling like a wet rag,

thrown onto the floor!

On the day of the misunderstanding...

Rather, the disagreement between the lady and Goffredo Liguori,

my client did use the word viper,

not to describe the public officer, but women in general,

whom he considers hostile

during this tragic moment in his existence.

Yes, get to the point. We have ten more hearings today.

Yes, your honor.

Madam. I call upon your sensitivity, your common sense.

This is a truly disheartened man.

I'm sorry, but I...

I waited half an hour for a taxi.

I was on a house call.

My car got towed away,

even though I had my doctor's sign in view.

Take a seat next to your lawyer.

- I’m sorry. - Come here, Goffredo.

I was at my wits' end.

We are discussing the facts.

I was looking for a solution based on your emotional state.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Forgive me, your honor,

my client wishes to drop the charges.

Fine, but next time think about it before.

You have no idea how much work we have.

Goodbye.

Madam?

- Yes? - No, her.

Madam!

I wanted to thank you.

I used some terrible words that day,

that aren't part of my vocabulary,

but I was in a terrible state, believe me.

Your lawyer said you're a bit...

- What did he say? - That you're...

I'm going through a hard time?

..your wife...

What about my wife?

She left you, right?

My wife hasn't left me. She's temporarily absent.

Temporarily... But she cheated on you too!

He said that in front of everyone?

- Yes. - Really?

You look like you're having a rough time.

After nine years of marriage, all of a sudden, for no reason...

- There's always a reason! - Yes, I have to...

- Get to the bottom of it. - What?

- Dig deep! - Yes.

- Good luck! - Thanks!

What the hell has my lawyer been saying?

I need more than just luck!

ABANDONMENT

Doctor, my son keeps throwing up. Call me, please.

Hi, Margherita, it's me.

I know it’s late and I'm really sorry.

I've tried calling your mobile,

but I get a message saying your phone is off.

I have to talk to you

because I've been thinking about our situation.

I looked deep inside and I realize...

that I am to blame for a lot of things.

Margherita, remember when I told you

that I never had the courage to say "I love you."

You remember I thought those words were so obvious,

and I was embarrassed to say them?

Margherita, I've been a bastard,

a huge bastard.

I'm sorry.

I want to say "I love you" tonight,

not just once, but a thousand times,

until I fill up your answering machine.

Margherita, I love you. I love you.

Who the hell, at this time of night? You pain in the ass!

You love who?

Who the hell is this?

- Who is it? - Who the hell are you?

Is this 6797726?

No, it's not. Get a new pusher!

Sorry, I dialed the wrong number.

Sorry, my ass!

I can't even dial a phone!

Who was it?

Some dickhead who says he loves me.

Loves me, my ass!

MANUAL OF LOVE by Wolfgang Freedman

600,000 CDs sold worldwide.

ABANDONMENT

Can I help you?

Yes, no... I was just looking...

"MANUAL OF LOVE", by Wolfgang Freedman,

is it an audio book?

Yes, it is.

You get a CD and a booklet.

Can I just choose one part?

Yes, of course... the most relevant one.

Of course.

Does this one interest you?

No, not the falling in love one.

This one.

Abandonment...

Yes, but it's not for me.

It's a present for a friend so take the price off.

Yes, I will.

This CD represents a rehabilitation

a re-training of your mind.

Follow our instructions carefully starting with Track 4.

At a certain age, the pains of love can have devastating consequences.

There are three situations which must be avoided:

Never insist on

winning back the object of your desire.

Do not communicate by tacky text or e-mail messages.

Never feel sorry for yourself or moan to your friends.

Maintain your calm and dignity.

Never dine alone

by getting take-out or pizza.

Good morning.

Now let’s think about your body.

Get your muscles moving, move your arms up and down.

You must concentrate,

because you will need to repeat this exercise 250 times.

You must be happy, because your body is happy!

Come on, give us a smile!

There’s always a starting point!

Your family and loved ones, your childhood friends.

Let's go and find them.

Who was the first woman you fell in love with?

Aren't you curious about what she's doing now?

Rachele, the blonde girl who gave hand-jobs to everyone...

Except me.

Don't be afraid. Go and find her.

- Table for one? - I'm waiting for someone.

Hi, Rachele, it's Goffredo. Where are you?

- I'm here. - Where?

- At the restaurant, and you? - I'm here too.

But where?

Here...

Where?

Here, in Rome...

I had to do a pediatric call.

Now I've been called back for a patient with peritonitis

and I'm rushing to the hospital.

Goffredo, the line's bad. Let me move.

You're going to move?

Rachele, I'm afraid I won't make it.

Relax, little man. The anesthetist is coming.

Where are you?

I'm in the emergency room.

But I'm about to go into surgery.

It's a complicated operation.

Sorry, this area is off limits.

The boy's parents wanted to come in!

Listen, dear...

- I’m sorry. - I’ll call you tomorrow.

We can arrange it for the day after tomorrow or another day.

Because I really do want to see you.

Let's do it some other time then.

Alright, sorry. Goodbye.

- See you soon. - Bye.

Okay, so much for that.

So much for that, damn!

It's just a bad streak.

Never neglect the element of sex.

I know that at times, sex is the last thing on your mind,

but you must make sure

that abstinence does not become a habit.

Do not be ashamed to have erotic thoughts.

Release them from the cage of depression and focus on them.

Doctor, your first appointment is tomorrow at 9.30.

Thank you.

Doctor...

Yes?

Well, it’s just that...

What?

I'm really sorry about what happened.

Forgive me for interfering.

but I really want you to get over this.

You're such a happy and generous man,

it would be a shame if you let yourself go.

Luciana...

- May I ask you a question? - Of course.

Are you happy?

Well...

We all go through bad times...

Answer my question. Are you happy?

I don't know.

- Get undressed! - Yes!

- Slam me against the wall! - You want to do it there?

- Kiss me, doctor! - I am.

Yes, kiss me!

Yes!

- You taste like lime. - Like what?

- Lime. - Shut up and kiss me!

Come here!

Yes!

Can I call you doctor?

- Does it turn you on? - Yes.

Call me doctor, then.

Doctor, bark to me.

- What? - Bark like a dog.

- A dog? - Yes.

Again! Come with me.

Where? Careful, I have thyroid cysts.

- But this is your bed! - I don't give a damn!

- What if he comes back? - He won't...

He's flying back tomorrow.

I haven't been this turned on in months!

My God! You’re hot!

Wait.

- Get these trousers off! - Throw them!

I know you're horny but there's a problem.

We're mixing business with pleasure.

- Should we be doing this? - Shut up, doctor.

- What are you doing? - I've been wanting this for a year.

- Really? - God, your lips are sexy!

- Darling? - Oh. God! What was that?

- I'm home! - Is that your husband?

- Andrea! - Andrea?

Give me my clothes! Be quiet.

Shit!

- Where do I go? - Under the bed.

- That's so cliché! - Just do it and shut up!

- Darling? - Darling, my ass!

What a nice surprise!

- Weren't you due back tomorrow? - There was a strike.

I'm exhausted!

- Darling, no doggie tonight. - Why not?

I've got a headache, I’m tired!

I can't, I don't feel well!

What time did you finish with your loser boss?

- What? He's not a loser! - Everyone knows his wife is loose.

- Come here! - Sit.

Not like that, not so hard.

Not so hard!

Be quiet, darling. They'll hear us!

- Who? - The neighbors.

They'll hear us!

Be quiet!

- Darling! - What's the matter?

Carry on! I changed my ringing tone.

Carry on.

Hello?

Margherita. I'm at the station.

Can I call you later?

I'm on the platform, dear.

Bark! Yes!

- How about a shower? - I'll have a bath.

Come out, quick!

Quick!

Oh my God!

I don't even want to see what you've done to my face.

Darling, I'll make some tea then we can start again!

Where are you going? There's no balcony!

Shut up!

- Quick! - I'm not going back under the bed.

- Look what you've done! - Go.

Open that window for me, for when he falls asleep.

I can't, that's my neighbor's apartment!

- Open this one then. - Where's the tea?

Careful, you'll kill me!

Come on!

Oh, my God!

I'm in the bathroom. Ernesto! Wait a minute.

No, madam. I'm outside!

Oh, my God!

What the hell got into me?

Oh, God! Help me!

Dear God!

Buddy!

Buddy!

Mate!

My head is spinning!

Oh, God!

- Are you still here? - Did you think I jumped?

Come inside. My husband left.

My hand!

Damn you, your husband and this neighborhood!

- Wait! - I’ll help you.

Oh, God!

Have you got any painkillers? My sciatic nerve is killing me!

- Damn all of you! - Are you going to fire me?

- Hi. - Look at you!

- Come on! - Here.

- I spoke to Margherita. - What did she say?

- Get on. I'll tell you later. - Tell me!

- What did she say? - I'll tell you later.

She called me then switched her phone off.

- It was nothing. - What did she want?

She wanted to know if she left something at home.

- What? - A pair of skis.

- Skis? - Skis.

Now, you are going to call that cheap third-rate whore

and ask her two questions on tee speaker phone.

Why she left me and if she really doesn't love me anymore.

- That's not a good idea. - What do you mean?

Please, if you don't,

I'll erase your name from my phone book.

- Please! - Alright! I'll do it!

You'll feel worse.

Worse than this... how could it get any worse?

- Make it sound believable. - Be quiet.

Okay, relax.

Hello, who is it?

It's Luigi. How are you?

Luigi who?

The lawyer.

Oh, yes. Hi. What's up?

Listen, I...

I've never delved into the details of your relationship.

Goffredo keeps his problems inside. He's an introvert.

But I don't get it.

You were such a happy, solid couple!

Why did it end so abruptly?

Luigi, it's weird that you're asking these questions now.

We split up two months ago and there's not much to say.

I wouldn't be able to tell Goffredo anyway.

I care about him.

What do you think I am? I really care about him...

But like a brother.

Hello? What's going on?

- What are you doing? - Sorry...

What's that noise? Where are you?

I had a problem with my phone.

- What? - I had a problem with my phone.

What do you expect me to tell him?

That I love Paolo and I've never been so in love?

- Paolo is a dear, he's wonderful. - This Paolo...

Who is he? Who's Paolo?

You haven't known him long.

No, I'd been living a double life for a long time!

I'm embarrassed to tell you, let alone him! It was 6 months.

And Goffredo never even realized.

But I was different!

Just think,he used to fall asleep at 9.30 every night!

All he, ever thought about was his work.

Yes, but he still loves you!

He's really upset. I’ve even seen him cry!

But I can't help him.

That's why I don’t want to see him,

I couldn't bear hurting him anymore.

It's selfish, but what can I do? I don't love him.

I'm happy with Paolo. I want to have a family and kids.

- I wanted kids too! - What the hell are you doing?

Why didn’t she have kids with me?

You slut!

She has to tell me to my face, not over the phone!

You really messed up that phone call.

it sounded like there were 35 people in here!

Margherita, I accept all responsibility.

I admit I neglected you

and concentrated on my work more than your needs.

But I refuse to believe

that after nine years of marriage,

and all our highs and lows... more highs though,

you would run away from our home.

You left me all alone in our house

and now it's like a cage to me.

You have to tell me, in all honesty...

whether this breakdown is just between us

or whether there's someone else involved.

Look me in the eyes and tell me.

Drive straight, asshole!

Whatever...

I have a right to know. What's the use?

Bobo!

Hello, Bobo!

You're happy here, aren't you?

You have plenty of space.

- Hi, Goffredo. - Good morning.

- How are you? - Not bad, you?

Same old problems. What a nice surprise!

I came to talk to Margherita.

I have a few important things to say to her.

She's not here. She's gone away for the weekend.

She's gone skiing.

She told me where, but I can't remember.

- Skiing in June? - Yes.

You know what she's like, she always goes against the grain.

I can’t take this anymore!

I thought I wouldn’t make it when my husband died.

But ten years have gone by.

You're still young. You're a good man.

Forget about her.

I'm sorry.

I'm going.

Doctor Goffredo is not in today, for anyone!

Screw everyone!

I'm the one who’s sick.

How do you decide to stop loving someone?

I'm not that strong-minded.

I'm not one of those men who can throw their cigarettes away

and give up smoking.

I have tried.

but then I always get them back out of the trash.

- Hey! - You're not dead!

Dead? Why would I be dead?

Aren't you the man who disappeared during the storm?

No!

- What are you saying? - Are the police looking for you?

Why would they be?

How old are you?

Old enough to know I shouldn't "screw-up" anymore.

- You shouldn't say "screw-up". - Sorry.

I came for a swim

and I slept here all night.

- Who are you? Where do you live? - There.

- Is that a bar? - No, it’s my mom’s restaurant.

Would she make me a coffee?

Yes. she makes coffee, but you have to eat first.

Can't I have a coffee on an empty stomach?

Come on.

- Are the police looking for you? - What is this story?

Do I look like a criminal?

I fell asleep under that boat.

I went for a swim with my clothes on.

The police aren't looking for me.

- I think they are. - Alright then, they are.

Let's go.

Mom, this man wants to have a coffee!

- Doesn't he need to eat first? - I don't need to eat.

Where have you been?

Hello.

Go and brush your teeth.

I met her on the beach

and she told me I could get a coffee here.

- Sure. - Thanks.

Have a seat.

If you want to spend the day on the beach, for 4 euros...

you get a cot and beach umbrella and since you're my first customer...

- ..breakfast is included. - My goodness!

I'm trying to beat the competition.

- Do you think it will work? - Yes.

Here you are. Orange juice and croissant.

- Great service! - It's all included.

Thanks.

- I was telling you... - Yes.

Sorry.

The last time I saw him, he was a black dot on the horizon.

He was leaving for a regatta.

He loved sailing. We were supposed to go together, but...

So he is the father...

Yes, he's her father.

I ended up alone practically overnight.

Eating alone, talking alone,

sleeping alone... and it's tough!

I haven't seen her laugh like this in ages!

I'm good with kids.

I look them in the eyes and I can tell what's wrong.

But I've been such a fool in my life,

looking after kids all the time without having my own.

How stupid!

- Again, again! - Darling, no.

There's a limit and mine's called a hernia.

That's enough!

Thanks, Livia. I've had a great time.

That's alright.

I know where you are now.

Next time I'm passing by, I’ll come and say hello.

- I'll look forward to it. - I will.

Bye.

If we don't exchange numbers, it will be difficult.

You're right. Sorry.

- Go on. - 3, 3, 3...

- ..1, 0, 2, 8... - Yes.

- ..5, 9, 9. - Nine, nine.

- I’ll call you. - Bye.

- Yes? - Hi, it's me.

- Hi. - Well...

I wanted to know when I could call you

so we can meet up again.

What kind of a question is that?

I don’t know, whenever you want.

Why don't I ask you now then?

Are you free tomorrow evening? Do you want to go to dinner?

No, I can't tomorrow.

How about the day after?

I'm sorry, I have to play auntie.

My brother's had a baby.

Okay, you'll let me know when.

Tonight.

- I'm free tonight. - Tonight? Sure.

- Shall I wait here for you? - Yes.

I’ll just get my bag.

We're ready.

This is the first time a woman has accepted a dinner invitation

after just one phone call.

- Does that make you suspicious of me? - No, no.

This manual explores the strongest arteries of love.

Men don't know why they fall in love, they just fall head over heels.

Sometimes they become ridiculous, confused.

and even dangerous.

If you can persevere and follow this path with us,

you'll understand many things about the cycles of love.

Good luck!