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- You got this, girl.

This is your special...

and you’re special.

Ugh, yuck.

Well, it’ll be great.

- You sure about that?

- What did you say to me?

- I asked if you’re sure about your performance.

You don’t seem that confident.

- Well, what do you know?

- I know a lot.

I’m you.

I just don’t want you to get so nervous that you mess up,

like that one time in show choir when you auditioned for a solo

and they couldn’t hear your voice

because you had one of those inside farts.

You know, like one of those farts that’s like--

- Yeah, I know.

Why are you bringing this up now?

You don’t have to be so rude.

- I’m not being rude.

- Yes, you are.

You don’t have faith in me.

- You don’t have faith in you.

- Wow.

You know what?

You’re awful, and I don’t need you.

Hey, I’m sorry.

- You don’t love me anymore.

- Of course I still love you.

- Then kiss me.

- No.

Okay, yeah, fine.

Oh...oh...

Oh...

Whoa, okay.

Wow.

Whoa-ho.

[giggling]

Oh, oh--

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop, I need to focus.

- You suck.

- [scoffs]

[sighs]

Ow!

- [snickering]

- Did you just hit me?

- Yeah, I did.

- Ow, ow, ow!

[coughing]

- I am gonna kill you!

- Why are you doing this?

- [cackling]

- Stop it!

Ugh!

[glass shatters]

[coughing]

[panting]

Oh, no.

Why did you make me do that?

I guess I’m on my own.

- Psst.

- There you are.

You’re all right.

- Yeah, you are too.

You’re ready.

- Yeah, I know.

That’s what I was saying the whole time.

But it feels good to hear you say it.

- Go get ’em, tiger.

- Ow.

[suspenseful music]

[cheers and applause]

[hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Hello, hello.

Thank you so much.

Thank you guys for coming.

[cheering]

Thank you for coming.

I really appreciate it.

This is a very special night for me.

And I am so glad to be doing this in New Orleans.

I love it here.

[cheering]

I am such a fan of this place.

I’ve had so many messy memories here.

I fell in love here.

[crowd whooping]

It started like any classic love story.

We were on mushrooms.

And I don’t think I’ll ever do mushrooms here again.

New Orleans is spooky when you’re sober.

Like, it’s scary enough.

I’ve real estate signs that, in all caps, say,

"Haunted."

Like, you’re very upfront about it.

It’s like, "Yeah, this is a one-bedroom apartment,

but you won’t be alone."

So we were on mushrooms,

and we were trying to make out in my hotel room.

Failed miserably.

I don’t know if anyone else has tried to make out

on psychedelics.

I had a hard time figuring out whose face belonged to who.

So we stopped.

And in the morning, we discussed our experiences,

and I said that I felt

like the door was wide open in our room

and there was a third presence, like a third person there.

And he said the exact same thing,

which means a pervert died in that hotel,

and his unfinished business was to watch us hook up.

And that terrifying realization

actually brought us closer together,

and that was essentially the beginning

of our relationship.

So I just want to find that ghost

and be like, "You can rest now."

My boyfriend and I just had our two-year anniversary.

[cheering]

Thank you.

I think we’ll give it another two years

before we call it quits.

It’s hard.

Relationships are hard.

And I know they take a lot of work

to be successful and healthy.

But I feel like I’m doing most of the work,

because I’m fixing him.

And I don’t want to be one of these girlfriends

that’s like, "I need to change my man.

I need to fix him."

Because I love him the way he is, but...

everything he does is wrong.

And I need to change him.

I like for people to take their shoes off

when they enter my home.

And he does that for the most part,

but sometimes he forgets.

And I have wood floors and a big rug

in the living room.

And we were about to leave the house,

and he goes, "Babe, I have my shoes on,

but don’t worry; I’m standing on the rug."

And I was like, what logic are we working with?

When he saw the wood floors, did he see lava?

And I explained to him, like, "No, babe.

"I don’t want people to bring their shoes into my home

"because I don’t want them to track dirt in.

That gives me more to clean up."

And he looked at me like I was explaining new math.

Just never occurred to him.

And I also can’t tell if I’m fixing him for me

or for his next girlfriend,

because if we break up

and he starts dating somebody else,

he’s gonna take his shoes off at the door.

And she’s gonna be like, "He’s so clean.

He’s so conscientious."

No, bitch, that was me.

I did that.

If you feel like you’re currently dating Mr. Perfect

and he does everything right,

you should thank all the exes who came before you

for all the hard work they put in.

Anything that you see a man do that’s considerate,

he’s doing it because, at one point in time,

he made a mistake,

and then some woman yelled at him.

And if you’re not laughing,

it’s because you’re currently being yelled at.

And you’re welcome.

We already did the meet-the-parents thing,

which I was nervous about,

because I never introduced a significant other

to my parents before.

And I think they were just happy that I brought somebody home,

because I didn’t start dating anybody till I was 23,

and I didn’t bring my boyfriend home

till years after that.

So my mom’s request for a person

got broader and broader as the years went by.

At first, she was like,

"I want you to bring home a God-fearing man."

And then years went by,

and I didn’t bring anyone home.

And she goes, "I want you to bring home a man."

And then years went by, and she goes,

"I want you to bring home... a woman?

"It’s cool.

"Totally fine.

"I just don’t know what you’re doing.

Can’t really read it."

And then years went by, and she goes,

"You know what, you do you.

"I’ll just adopt some grandkids.

I don’t care anymore."

But it’s good.

My relationship with my mom is getting stronger,

which is really cool.

I figured that, as I got older,

my relationship with her would be more adult-to-adult.

But what’s happening is, I’m becoming an adult,

and she’s becoming a teenager.

Is that happening to anybody else?

[applause]

It’s so strange.

She keeps doing and saying things

that she thinks are really cool,

but they just weird me out.

We were talking about weed recently,

because my brother’s going to art school in Colorado.

So...

He’s minoring in weed.

And she goes, "I don’t know

"why he had to go all the way to Colorado for weed.

I can get weed whenever I want."

And I was like, "You can get weed whenever you want?

Do you have a dealer?"

And she goes, "No, it’s in my room."

Which is not "getting" weed.

That’s having weed.

And I was like, "Okay."

And she was so proud of it.

She’s like, "Yeah, I can smoke anytime I want."

And I was like, "Cool,"

and then changed the subject very quickly.

I think that may have been an invitation

for us to smoke together,

but I didn’t want to take it,

because I smoke and drink to escape my life stressors.

And if I get high with one of my main life stressors,

I don’t think I’m gonna have a good time.

And when I went to visit her, I had a rental car,

and I let my mom drive it.

And the steering wheel was thinner

than the steering wheel in her car that she drives every day,

so she made note of it and was like,

"This steering wheel is too thin.

I like a big, thick steering wheel."

And I was like, "Okay."

And she goes, "Yeah, you know why?

’Cause it reminds me of gripping a big dick."

And I was like, "No!"

And then she kept going...

and was like, "Yeah, bet you didn’t think

I had a preference."

And I was like,

"Why would I ever think about that?

No, it hasn’t crossed my mind."

But looking back at how many grips and covers and cushions

my mom used to put on her steering wheel

when I was younger...

safe to say that Mommy likes it big.

Which is good for me to know, because it shows me

that we have more in common that I thought.

I like getting to know my mom as an adult,

because there were so many holes of knowledge when I was younger.

There were just so many things I didn’t know.

Like, I knew certain things,

but didn’t know the backstory of those things.

I knew that she doesn’t like white people.

And I could take some guesses as to why.

But it was never explained.

One day, we were in her car, and she stopped

to let this old white couple pass in front of us,

and she lets out this deep sigh like, "Ugh...

White people."

And I was like, "Uh...what’s wrong?

They’re not even talking to us right now."

And she goes, "Memories."

And that’s where the conversation ended.

And she would do that a lot.

She’d just chalk things up to memories,

and I would never follow up

and ask what those memories were.

And I was so young and just, like, left to my own devices.

I would, like, make up stories

as to what I thought she was saying.

Like, I imagined if I asked her,

like, "Mom, what do you mean when you say memories,"

she’d say something like,

"Well, Sasheer, when I was 11 years old,

"I went to the public library in Little Rock, Arkansas.

"And I was buy myself,

"and this old white man came up to me

"and put his hand on my shoulder.

"And something about his hand on my shoulder

"and me holding the book

"sucked us into the world of the book.

"And we landed in this magical forest

"where the trees could talk to us

"and the dirt tasted like licorice.

"Now, we didn’t know where we were,

"so we split up to find help,

"and the old white man went one way,

"and I went another way,

"and I found this cave.

"And inside the cave was this big, beautiful dragon

"with a purple tail and glittery wings.

"And she spoke to me and said that she would take care of me

"if I just stayed there with her.

"I lived with that dragon for the next three years of my life.

"And on one of our morning walks,

"Crackle and I--

"that’s her name, Crackle the Dragon--

"we saw the old white man.

"And I don’t know what kind of adventures

"he went through on this three-year journey

"in this magical land,

"but he looked totally different.

"He was shirtless, and he was ripped,

"and he was carrying a bow and arrow.

"And he saw me with Crackle,

"and he thought I was in danger.

"And he shot Crackle through the heart.

"And I cried and said,

"’You don’t know what you’re doing!’

"But shooting the dragon through the heart

"is what we needed to get back to reality.

"So we landed back in the library.

"And the old white man returned to his job

"as the Little Rock public librarian,

"and I started classes at a segregated high school.

And that’s why I don’t like white people."

[applause]

I eventually asked my mom about it,

and I was way off.

Way off.

My parents named me Sasheer,

which is hard for some people to pronounce,

which I get.

There’s two "S"s in there.

So...

One’s a "sss," one’s a "shh."

So it’s like, "What do we do?"

And the people who get my name wrong the most

are white people.

And I don’t want to make it a race thing.

But...

Numbers are in.

Studies have shown

that the demographic that consistently gets my name wrong

are Caucasian.

I did this show once, and the host was white,

and probably still is.

And...

She could not get my name for the life of her.

Kept saying things like Shasheer or Saheer

and moving letters around in my name

and attacking it like a Sudoku puzzle.

And I was like, "It’s cool, really.

You can call me Sheer for short if you can’t get it."

And she looks at me and she goes,

"Can I just call you Jane?"

And I was like,

"If you want to give me a slave name."

[applause]

You can’t do that.

Just change someone’s name for the convenience.

Is this "Roots"?

Are you trying to Toby me right now?

And every time that happens,

I want to get so sassy and be like,

"Oh, I’m sorry my name’s too ethnic for you.

"Sorry you can’t fit all that heritage

in your little lips."

[cheers and applause]

But I don’t really have a right to be angry in that regard,

because my name’s not actually from any island

or African culture.

It’s from "Star Trek."

My parents are Trekkies.

Technically Trekkers.

That’s what the fans were called when the show first came out.

And they were watching an episode together--

Season 2, Episode 50--

and Captain Kirk was flirting with this alien princess,

as he does.

And he gave her a rose, and she goes,

"Oh, we have something like this on my planet,

except it’s made out of crystal and it’s called Sasheer."

And my parents were like, "Yes!

That’ll be our daughter."

And they gave each other a Vulcan high five

and called it a night.

And my parents were really into Trekkie culture.

My mom found the original script where my name comes from

and realized that my parents accidentally misspelled my name.

So she sent me the script and goes,

"Do you want to change the spelling of your name?

Just for accuracy purposes."

And I was like, "No."

I was 20 years old when she sent that to me.

That is way too late.

And I was like, "Also, are you trying to Toby me right now?"

But I didn’t like it.

I didn’t like that my name was from "Star Trek,"

because I didn’t want people to know that my parents were nerds.

So I’d, like, make up

all these different definitions for my name,

like, "It’s a crystal from...far away.

So far away; don’t look it up."

But I really wanted a name

that connected me to my culture,

to my background,

like the name of an African tribe

or a country or a warrior or something.

But then I got older, and I started to realize,

I have no reason to feel that way,

because my name actually does represent my culture,

and it shows me that I’m part of an even smaller minority:

black nerds.

[cheers and applause]

And our struggle is real!

My mom just recently told me that she’s getting into acting,

which is so cool, because I’m an actress,

and we get a new thing to talk about.

And it’s fun to see her try a new thing

and be really excited about it.

It makes me very happy.

But I felt bad, because when she first told me about it,

a little part of my brain was like,

"That bitch better not take my parts."

And I don’t want to feel that way,

but there’s only so many roles for black women these days.

And I’m sure some of you are like,

"You guys are in different age groups.

You’re not gonna compete for the same roles."

But casting directors can’t tell how old black women are.

They can’t.

And there’s evidence of this,

because Gabrielle Union has played a teenager

for three decades.

People also have a hard time telling black actresses apart.

I was talking to somebody who works at "SNL"

who’s seen my face for years,

and he asked me,

"Didn’t you work at ’The Daily Show’

before you worked here?"

[audience groans]

He was talking about Jessica Williams.

[sparse cheers]

Exactly, yeah.

[applause]

Okay, she’s not here.

No, she’s great.

Yeah, she was the "Daily Show" correspondent.

She is my friend...and not me.

She’s not me.

But I want to help this guy out.

I was like, "Oh, well, I was in an Apple commercial.

"Maybe an Apple commercial aired

"during an episode of ’The Daily Show,’

and you got confused."

Which would have made him an idiot if that’s what he thought,

but I was still reaching.

And he just looks at me and goes,

"No, I don’t think that’s it,"

and walks away,

not knowing his mistake.

And I got so mad at myself.

I was like, why am I doing this?

Why am I hemming and hawing,

trying to make the situation less awkward

for the person who made it awkward?

It’s not my fault

that he can’t tell the difference between black women.

That’s on him.

So I’m done.

I’m not doing that anymore.

[cheers and applause]

I’m done taking responsibility

for someone’s awkward situation that they’re gonna put upon me.

I did this show, and a white man who was in the audience

came up to me afterwards, and he goes,

"You know, you did something so funny on ’SNL.’

"You guys did this sketch

"about how there were no black female cast members

"at the moment,

"and you kept running in and out of the sketch

"playing different characters,

"like Michelle Obama and Oprah,

and it was so funny."

And I was like, "Oh, that wasn’t me.

"That was Kerry Washington, from when she hosted.

"And you can probably tell that wasn’t me,

"because the sketch was about

how there were no black female cast members."

And then he got very uncomfortable and was like,

"Ugh, god, this is so awkward.

This never happens, ugh."

And I was like, "I guess, whatever,"

and just walked away.

I was like, I’m gonna let you live in this all by yourself.

This has nothing to do with me.

And then I’m sitting at the bar,

and he comes up to me ten minutes later

and slips a $20 bill in front of me,

and he goes, "Your drinks are on me."

And I was like, "Is this hush money?"

What are you doing?

You can’t do that,

just throw money at a situation to make it go away.

I did take that money.

Gonna add that to my reparations bill.

But that guy actually didn’t have a bad idea.

I should start charging people $20

every time they confuse me for another black actress.

And then with that money,

combined with the money that I actually make from work,

I might start making as much as a white actor.

[applause]

Sounds like some people didn’t know.

It’s true.

I was watching this show called "Bye Felicia!"

Has anyone heard of it?

It got cancelled, because I think it offended everybody.

The premise was,

two life coaches who are black women

make over a basic white woman’s life.

Their words, not mine.

And throughout the episodes,

they would just try to bring out the inner black woman

out of the white woman--

or the inner Beyonce,

as they would say on the show sometimes.

Which is a hard goal for anyone to get to.

Beyonce?

Most of us would be lucky to get Kelly or Michelle status.

You want to make a basic white woman Beyonce.

And so most of the episodes would be the white woman

showing her new coaches their lives,

and then the coaches making judgment calls like,

"Mm-mm, a black woman

would never play Dungeons and Dragons."

Which was a quote that I pulled

from the episode I was watching.

And my issue with the show isn’t that it exists

or the sweeping generalizations

of what black women would or would not do.

My issue with the show is,

I don’t know who would ask a black woman

for life coaching advice

as if we’re at the top of society.

Like, we’re doing well.

We have more black women in positions of power.

We got Michelle Obama, Oprah, Tyler Perry.

We’re doing well.

But if I had to choose what type of person

would make over my life

so I’m more successful in the world,

I’d pick a straight white man every time.

You guys really know how to dominate the system

that you built for yourself.

Na’mean?

[laughter and applause]

Yeah.

[laughs]

Show me your ways, white man.

Give me those secrets.

Show me how to get a cab.

Show me how to speak in a way that’s authoritative

that won’t be perceived as sassy.

Show me how to talk to a cop.

Better yet, show me how to punch a cop in the face

and get away with it.

[applause]

Show me how to riot and make it look celebratory.

But more than anything, I really want white guys

to show me how to wear shorts in the wintertime.

Is it, like, a lotion?

I like talking about race in my sets...

because I like to make a room feel comfortable.

And I’ve found that not everyone likes it,

which I get.

It makes some people uncomfortable.

But I don’t think that race is such a touchy, taboo topic

that we can’t talk about it

or discuss it or laugh about it.

We can talk about it.

But sometimes I do shows,

and I can literally hear assholes tighten up,

like, "Reep!"

"Make her stop!"

But I won’t.

[applause]

I did a show,

and it was a day where I felt particularly moved

to talk about race.

And I noticed there were just pockets of people

that were a little tight.

So I wanted to address it

so we can get over this hump together.

And I was like, "How are y’all doing?

I know we’re going through a lot of race stuff right now."

And one woman in the audience goes, "Yeah, a lot."

And I was like, "Are you okay?

"Are you uncomfortable right now?

And she goes, "Yeah, you know, it’s just a lot for me.

"I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

I’m just gonna go."

And then she stood up, knocked over a beer bottle,

put deuces in the air, and backed out like Nixon.

And it was so strange.

I was like, why did she feel

like she had to leave completely?

I wasn’t gonna make fun of her or yell at her.

I did make fun of her on her way out.

But initially, I just wanted to talk to her.

Like, "Okay, you feel uncomfortable.

Let’s talk about that; let’s figure that out."

But I think she realized if I asked her more questions,

she’d, like, reveal herself.

Like, "You know, I just realized, I’m racist.

I got to go."

But I do think people are more

in the mood to talk about this stuff now.

Like, I don’t know about you guys,

but I’ve had at least one conversation

about race, gender, or human rights in general

every single day since Trump has been elected.

Anyone else?

[applause]

It’s wild.

And I’m not the one starting all these conversations.

It’s people around me.

I feel like a walking Tumblr site.

And I also know I look like a walking Tumblr site.

I’m sure of you are like,

"If you didn’t look like a baby Lauryn Hill,

"maybe people wouldn’t bring these things up to you

all the time."

But, yeah, I think it’s good.

Like, people are actually asking questions

and actually trying to investigate issues

that maybe don’t concern the group that they’re in.

And I think that’s wonderful.

Like, since the election,

people have donated so much money to ACLU

and Planned Parenthood,

and it’s great.

[applause]

Because I think we all woke up November 9th and we’re like,

"We’re on our own!

We’ve got to take care of each other."

And it sucks to say, but I don’t know

if that would have happened if Hillary Clinton was elected.

Not any fault of her own.

I just think it would have been more complacency.

I think people would have just felt like they were checking

another thing off their progression list.

Like, "I voted for the black one.

"I voted for the girl.

"And if we get a gay one in office,

"I don’t have to think about people or the government

ever again!"

[applause]

So that is a silver lining, at least.

But I’m worried about Trump for multiple reasons.

One reason is,

I’m worried about his influence on the children,

because they can hear everything he’s saying.

They can hear him when he’s saying things like,

"Grab them by the pussy,"

or literally anything else he’s saying.

And I don’t want them to absorb that and normalize that

and think that that’s how you talk to people

or how you treat people.

Like, kids are sponges.

I already saw video footage of these white kids in Michigan,

like, in their cafeteria,

screaming, "Build a wall, build a wall!"

And it’s like, unless that school only has three walls,

that’s unacceptable.

Like, if they need a fourth wall,

yes, please build a wall.

They’re cold.

But kids are very impressionable.

I learned lessons from everything.

I used to learn lessons from my dog.

I was maybe 5 years old,

and I remember petting my dog in the wrong direction,

like, against the grain.

And she was growing, but I thought she was purring.

I thought this was a positive noise I was receiving.

So I was like, "Yeah, I’ll give you more of that."

And then she bit me.

And my next memory is my mom

putting me on the bathroom counter,

cleaning the blood off my hands,

and she goes, "Did she say no?"

And I was like, "I don’t know."

And she goes, "Growling means no,

and that means stop what you’re doing, and don’t do it again."

And that’s how I learned about consent.

[applause]

I also heard that Trump has maybe never had a dog as a pet,

so that would explain a lot.

Have you guys heard of this fingernail polish

that can detect date rape drugs?

Yeah, these college kids in North Carolina invented it.

And the idea is that you paint your nails at home

in preparation for what could be the worst night of your life.

Just in case.

And then, if you go to a bar

and you feel like someone may have tampered with your drink,

you put your finger in the drink,

and then if the nail color changes to a different color,

then you know someone in that bar thinks you’re pretty.

It’s like, what a self-esteem booster.

I like doing that joke,

because you feel like it’s going one direction,

and then I do a little thing that just fucks everything up.

It’s like I roofied you.

[applause]

I feel like people don’t expect me

to do material like this sometimes,

because some people just know me from "SNL"

and see the "SNL" credit, and then--

Thanks.

[laughs]

And some people come to my shows

expecting me to do "SNL" or be "SNL."

I don’t really know.

But the demographic has definitely changed

since I’ve been on the show.

I did a show once at this stand-up club,

and this woman came up to me after the show,

and she goes, "That was really great,

but I was hoping you would do more impressions."

"Oh, well, I just chose to do stand-up

in this...stand-up club."

"I know.

I was just hoping you would do,

"like, Beyonce or Nicki Minaj.

Like, I was just hoping you’d do more impressions."

"Well, maybe next time."

That’s what I said, but what I wish I said was,

[squeaky voice] "Aw, I was hoping for more impressions."

"See, that’s my impression of you.

"’Aw, I was hoping for more impressions.’

"That’s what you sound like.

"Tell your friend, that’s what you sound like.

"’I was hoping for more impressions.’

"Wait, where are you going?

"I’m not done yet.

’I was hoping you would do more impressions!’"

And then she never has to come to my show again.

I’ve been a little angry lately.

And I like it.

I like the anger.

I like living in it.

But I feel like I can’t fully explore it,

because I feel like my face and my voice

betray me every day,

because I’m really smiley when I talk to people.

And sometimes my voice sounds like an 8-year-old

who’s excited for a big adventure.

So sometimes people don’t take me seriously when I talk,

and they say things, "You’re so cute.

You’re so cute."

And they’re not wrong.

I’m cute.

I have a cute exterior, full of rage.

And I’m tired of saying I’m fine when I’m not.

I’m not fine; I’m livid.

But I don’t have time

in a short hallway conversation with an acquaintance

to fully express all the complex emotions

that are going on inside of me.

So when someone asks how I’m doing,

I say, "Fine," but it’s a lie.

When someone asks me how I’m doing,

what I really want to say is, "Thanks for asking.

"I guess I’m ’good,’

"in the sense that I’m thankful to have a job

"that pays for my food and my shelter.

"But I guess I’m not great,

"because this society keeps trying to put limitations

"on female sexual health and sexuality.

"Also, people keep trying to argue that Beyonce

"and Nicki Minaj are not feminist,

"even though they’re just being bad bitches,

"and I can’t understand what’s more feminist than that.

[applause]

"Also, Matt Damon made $50 million on ’The Martian,’

"and we still have bridges to reinforce in this country.

[applause]

"Also, I never know when my period is coming, ever.

"I’ve had it for a while.

"I should have a better handle on it.

But every month, it’s a surprise."

That’s what I want to say

when someone asks me how I’m doing,

but I just lie and say, "Fine."

I wish there was a concise way to say,

"I’m thankful to be alive, but I’m not good."

I imagine it would be like a shrug and a grunt,

like, "Weh."

And you got to, like, really scrunch up your face

so the person you’re talking to

knows that you’re fighting yourself not to lie.

And then they have all the information they need to know.

"How are you doing, Sasheer?"

"Weh."

"Okay, well, good luck with that."

But I feel like I can’t help this anger.

I feel like it’s been bubbling up inside of me,

and I’ve just been, like, awakened.

Like, my eyes are finally open.

It reminds me of that time in my childhood

when I started to realize that there were always people

inside those costumes at Disney World.

And I was like, "It was like this the whole time?"

I was never hugging Mickey Mouse.

I was always hugging a tiny Hispanic woman named Rosa.

And I was part of the problem.

I worked at Disney World for seven months,

as an adult,

and I was a character performer.

Can you guys guess which character I was?

[indistinct responses]

Right off the bat.

She said it so cocky too.

I want to do an impression of what she just did.

That was so funny.

So she’s just sitting here, just enjoying the show,

and then she goes, "Ha, Princess Tiana.

"I know it.

"I know it.

That’s you."

I love it.

No, no.

No.

That is a great guess, though.

Princess Tiana is the Frog Princess,

the one black princess that Disney has.

I--what’s that?

And from New Orleans, exactly.

And that would have been perfect, but I was not her.

Because I worked there before that movie came out,

so I was Pluto.

They were like, "Hide her face.

We haven’t drawn it yet."

But I liked playing Pluto.

Kids love Pluto so much.

Every day, kids would come up to me

and say things like, "You remind me of my dog at home."

And in my mind, I would think,

"How?"

What kind of dog do you have at home?

I’m standing on two legs.

With the head, I’m, like, 6 feet tall.

The nose-to-body proportion makes no sense.

The coloring is weird.

What dog in real life can you point at

and say, "That’s Pluto"?

You can’t.

Pluto’s a weird freak of nature.

Also, in this "Disney World,"

Goofy is also a dog,

but can walk and talk, wear clothes,

and work a real job.

And that’s what’s fucked up about society, man.

[applause]

We’re just so complacent with our magic

that we don’t realize that one of these characters

isn’t progressing like the rest of them.

Full of rage.

I can’t watch TV or movies anymore and just enjoy them,

because I keep thinking about the plot and the theme

and how it compares to society and my life.

I was watching "Big Hero 6" recently.

Has anyone seen it?

It’s fun.

It’s Disney; it’s animated.

And the story is,

there’s this kid genius who builds robots,

and he meets all these other geniuses,

and they create a team,

and they use their technological skills as their super powers.

And I’m watching it,

and I’m starting to notice all these different stereotypes

within the team of super heroes.

There’s, like, the nerdy Asian kid,

and there’s a blonde girl who’s ditzy,

and there’s a white guy who’s, like, a surfer dude,

and there’s one black guy who is huge,

like, muscles on muscles and dreads, like Marshawn Lynch.

But he’s the scaredy cat,

and it’s supposed to be really funny.

And I’m watching it with one of my girlfriends

who is a black woman,

and I don’t know what it is

about being with one other black woman

or a group of black women,

but if no one else is around,

my inner Angela Davis comes out,

and I’m like, "We need to talk about the injustice, sistah!"

[humming soulfully]

And we were high, so it was, like, heightened.

And we’re watching the movie,

and I’m just trying to enjoy the plot,

but the subtle racism keeps hitting me in the face.

And I’m like, this is so cute.

this is such a great story.

But I could not help but notice

that the one black man in the whole movie

screams like a little girl every time he’s scared.

Why does he scream like that?

Is it because America is trying to emasculate our men?

But the songs are so catchy.

I love the soundtrack.

But I could not help but notice

that the one black man in the whole movie

is the only super hero who is scared to use his powers.

Why is he so scared?

Is it because they ripped him from Mother Africa?

When you take a king from a kingdom,

he does not know how powerful he is!

[applause]

But I love the animation.

The colors are great.

But I could not help but notice

That the one black man in the whole movie

is the only super hero who cannot fly.

Why won’t they let my brother fly?

Is it because the man’s trying to hold him down

so he can’t spread his wings?

One day, we’ll all spread our wings,

join hands, and fly to the mountaintop,

singing, "We can build robots, we can build robots!

Thank God Almighty, we can build robots!"

[cheers and applause]

So you should see "Big Hero 6" if you haven’t yet.

It’s enthralling.

I am glad that there are more

diverse characters in sci-fi now.

It’s so great, because it’s so important

that we see ourselves in the future.

We just got to know that we made it.

[applause]

I remember watching "The Jetsons" and being like,

"What happened to us?

"What genocide happened?

We’re not anywhere?"

I watched "Star Wars: Force Awakens"

when it came out,

and it was so wonderful

to see a female character and a black character

just go on an adventure,

and there was no mention of their gender or their race.

Like, there were no winks to camera like,

"She’s strong for a girl,"

or, like, "Wow, that black man

can actually afford a drink in this bar."

Nothing like that.

It was great, and I loved it.

It was a little tainted,

because when the trailer came out for that movie

and the stormtrooper took his helmet off

and it was a black man,

people lost their mind.

A bunch of racists online being like,

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

"Not my stormtroopers, no!

All my stormtroopers are white!"

It’s like, what?

We’ve never seen them take their helmets off before.

They could all be black, for all we know.

It is the dark side.

But it sucks.

Like, I hate when people

just want to keep the division, even in fictional things.

It’s wild.

There are some black actors who are in a lot of sci-fi things.

Zoe Saldana is an actress who’s in a lot of stuff.

But they keep painting her a different color.

Poor girl.

It’s like the studio is like,

"Don’t worry, she’s not black.

"She’s green.

Like money."

I remember there was a rumor that Idris Alba

could potentially be the new James Bond.

[cheering]

Which would be great.

He’s so suave and smooth,

and that should be the only requirement for that job.

And some people got upset.

One very vocal person was Rush Limbaugh,

and he said that a black actor playing James Bond

is the equivalent of George Clooney

playing Barack Obama

or Kelsey Grammer playing Nelson Mandela.

And the problem...

with that analogy

is that Barack Obama and Nelson Mandela

continue to influence our culture and change society,

and James Bond...

is a fictional character!

It doesn’t matter.

He could be a goddamn horse.

It does not matter.

I’m gonna make my own sci-fi escapism film

for people of color.

[applause]

And it will be so simple.

It’ll just be where we have a black president

who isn’t more disrespected

than any other president in our country,

where everyone has the equal opportunity to jobs

and health care and education,

and where law enforcement in this country

actually protects everybody in the country.

And that’s it.

[cheers and applause]

And I’ll throw a dragon in there or something

so people actually go see it.

I was talking to a friend about race,

like I do,

and he said that he didn’t understand

why people talk about other people

in terms of their cultural background,

because we live in America,

and America is a melting pot,

so the only culture we should be concerned with

is American culture.

No.

I don’t want to think about America like a melting pot.

Very few things are good melted.

Like, I’ve never had a plate of steak, potatoes, and spinach

and been like, "You know, I like all these things,

"but I really wish someone would melt it all together for me

and serve it to me in a shit-colored soup."

No, if you melt everything together,

you’re gonna lose all the original flavors

that people bring from other countries.

That’s what makes this country great.

You can’t just meld everything together like that.

I think we should think of America

less like a melting pot

and more like a pizza.

[cheering]

’Cause all the ingredients are distinctly their own thing,

working together to make a great meal,

and it’s all held together with grease.

This is a greasy, grimy-ass country,

and we should admit that more.

I also know that pizza is not originally American food.

It’s Italian.

But that’s also the American way,

taking a bit of someone else’s culture,

claiming it as our own,

and being super defensive about it

if anyone challenges us.

[applause]

If someone ever asks us to defend it, it’s like,

"Nah, fuck you, we always had pizza.

God bless pizza."

But I get why people wouldn’t want to talk about this stuff

and don’t want to, like, get into deep issues

like race or gender,

because if you make a mistake and you say something wrong,

you could ruin your whole life.

People get fired over tweets.

It’s crazy.

We’re in a very trigger-happy time right now,

where people are on the search

for, like, the next bigot or the next racist,

and let’s take their jobs and make them lose their family,

just ruin their life.

And I don’t know if that’s good.

Do you guys remember when Hulk Hogan got in trouble?

He got in trouble because he said the N-word,

and it was recorded,

and someone put it online,

and then people blogged about it,

and the WWE fired him,

removed him from the Hall of Fame,

and scrubbed him from the website.

Scrubbed, as if he never existed.

He basically built that company,

and they were like, "Nope, we do not associate with racists."

Which is like...come on.

The WWE?

Most wrestlers of color

have been named things like Saba Simba...

or, like, the Mexicools.

And now you want to put your foot down?

All right, very convenient.

And it sucks that he said that, it really does.

But how great would it have been

if he actually stayed with the WWE,

and then there’s a whole storyline

on how he’s learning how to be culturally aware?

He’s, like, taking classes.

And he walks into the ring like,

"Today I learned that the N-word hurts, brother."

But when he says, "Brother," he’s thinking the N-word.

Yeah.

And then we all get to learn together.

Instead, what people are learning is,

if you do anything wrong, your life gets ruined.

And I don’t think that’s a good lesson to learn.

I’d like to think that people can redeem themselves

and learn a lesson.

I make mistakes.

I used to think that it was cool

to wear a solid colored turtleneck,

solid colored socks that matched,

and a matching scrunchy.

That’s an outfit I wore a lot,

until one day in fifth grade,

this girl came up to me and goes,

"Uh, no one wears that."

And I was like, "Noted," never did it again.

That’s a good way to learn a lesson.

She could have brought me in front of the class

and been like, "Look how stupid she looks."

And then the teacher’s like, "Yeah, you do look stupid,"

and then kicks me out of the class.

And then I’m walking around

with bad taste and no education.

You could just keep me in the class.

But I do think it’s good to talk about this stuff,

because how else are you gonna know

if you’re offending anybody

if you don’t speak up and actually ask questions?

I remember talking to a fellow student

who lived in my dorm in college.

She was from Korea.

She was a foreign exchange student.

I don’t remember which Korea,

but that’s not important to the story.

But she kept asking me different questions

and asking me if I knew certain people.

She’d be like, "Do you know John?"

And I’d be like, "No."

And she’s like, "Do you know Shayna?"

And I’d be like, "No."

And I don’t know what tipped me off,

but I started to wonder if she was only asking me

if I knew black people.

So I asked her, I was like,

"Are you only asking me if I know black people?"

And she goes, "Yes."

And I was like, "Do you think I know all the black people

at this school because I’m black?"

And she goes, "Yes."

And I was like, "You can’t do that.

"That’s a stereotype.

"That’d be like if I assumed

you knew all the Korean people at this school."

And she goes, "I do.

We all know each other."

And I was like, "Never mind."

It’s a good thing we kept talking.

If that conversation had ended two sentences before that point,

I would have left being like, "That racist piece of shit."

And she would have left being like,

"What’s wrong with this antisocial black girl?

She’s not hanging out with her friends."

But I hate it when people are so progressive

that they, like, tip the line into being offensive,

like, when they’re just so PC that they ignore things.

Like, I hate when people say, "I don’t see color."

Woof.

First of all, it’s a lie.

You can see color.

Even if you’re colorblind, you can see shades.

And when someone says that, what I’m hearing is,

"I choose not to see injustice,"

or, "I’d rather not be bothered

"with the information that some people are treated differently

because of the way they look."

And that’s not helpful to anybody.

It’d actually be helpful if you saw color

and recognized how differently people are being treated.

[applause]

There were these protests in South Africa

a few months ago with these university students,

and some of the students were white,

and some of the students were black.

And the students who got beat up

and arrested by the cops the most

were, of course, the black students.

So what the white students did was,

they put themselves on the perimeter of the protest

and used themselves as a human shield,

like a Caucasian force field,

’cause they knew the cops wouldn’t hurt them,

and they wouldn’t break through to hurt anybody else.

And it worked.

That’s the end of the story.

It just worked.

They saw color, created a reverse Ho-Ho,

and saved their friends.

[applause]

It’s beautiful.

And that’s what I want people to learn.

You can use your privilege to help other people.

I use my boyfriend’s privilege all the time.

He’s white and very sorry about it.

And if I ever want a cab late at night,

I just send him out into the street.

I’m like, "Babe, put your arm up,"

and then I go crouch behind a bush.

And then a cab pulls up, he opens the door.

I fly in, I say, "Black rides matter."

We go home.

It’s like, I don’t want him to feel bad about his privilege.

I want him to get us a cab.

But he’s great.

He’s really awesome

and is really open to talking

about race and things that I want to talk about

and is just, like, good about learning stuff.

I have been with people who haven’t been like that.

I was hanging out with a guy who was white,

and probably still is,

and we were having a conversation,

and he goes, "I want to ask you a question,

"but it might be a little awkward.

Can I touch your hair?"

And we had been hooking up for a few months at that point,

and I didn’t realize he had not touched my hair.

Like, I didn’t know there was a force field

of racial confusion

circling around my head.

And I was like, "Yeah, man, it’s fine.

"We’re hooking up.

You can touch anything on me."

And he goes, "All right, cool, cool, cool.

Well, what about your asshole?"

And that’s not where I thought the conversation was going.

That was a bait-and-switch.

I thought this was gonna be a nice moment

of cultural enlightenment,

where I talk about my hair

and what it’s like to be black in America.

He just wanted to get in my asshole.

I didn’t say no, but still.

I feel like, when I was younger,

I would see a lot of scenes in TV shows and in movies

where the female protagonist

would find a stray hair that didn’t belong to her,

and that’s how she knew she was being cheated on.

But I feel like I wouldn’t be able to use that same test,

because I feel like my whole person

and my whole apartment is just constantly covered

in white girl hair.

And I don’t want to make any stereotypes

like, "White girls always be losing their hair."

But also, why aren’t we talking about this more?

It’s everywhere.

On my shoes, in my coats, in my hair.

Like, I have white girlfriends,

but we’re not wrestling around with each other

to make this happen.

I found a long strand of blonde hair

on my boyfriend’s coat, and I was like,

"Who could this belong to?"

And I was like, "Oh, he walked outside today.

Literally anybody."

I’ve been thinking about body hair lately,

because I’ve been shaving my parts

since I was a teenager,

but it wasn’t till recently when I was like, "Why?"

Like, I’m not going into surgery every month.

What is this for?

And I did some research

on when women in America started shaving their body hair,

and it started in the early 1900s

because razor companies weren’t making enough money

selling razors to men for their facial hair,

so they started selling to women.

And they put out all these advertisements

to convince women to shave,

because it wasn’t a natural inclination

for us to just shave all the time.

And there would be print ads that would just be like,

"You’ll be a spinster.

"You’ll die alone.

You’ll be stinky, you’ll be ugly."

Like, all these horrible things

to make women feel terrible for being themselves.

I saw, like, a literal print ad

where it was, like, an old woman

with hair coming out of her pits

sitting by herself at a restaurant,

and then two clean-shaven women by the bar, like,

"What’s wrong with her?"

"Oh, you haven’t heard?

"She doesn’t know how to shave.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

And it worked; it worked.

They brainwashed us into thinking we were disgusting

for doing a natural thing.

And I get it, because advertising is very powerful.

I just heard that Sprite in America

is specifically advertised to black people,

which makes sense,

because all the billboards are hip-hop legends,

and the music in the radio ads are always hip-hop,

and every time I see a lemon and lime,

I want to play basketball.

It’s like, they got me.

And I did some more research on hair,

because I was high, and I was like,

"Got to get to the bottom of this."

And I found out that Native Americans

used to keep all their hair long

because it would help them with battle and with hunting,

and they would be more aware of their surroundings,

and if something was gonna come up and attack them,

they would feel it quicker than they would

if they didn’t have hair at all.

So if that’s the case, women, of all people,

should have all of the hair.

[applause]

’Cause we’re at risk of being attacked

just for leaving the house.

For safety purposes,

I want to be Chewbacca-level hairy,

scalp to toe.

If someone’s gonna attack me from 50 feet away

and their body creates wind,

I want a leg tickle so I know it’s time to go.

I was talking to a guy in a bar recently,

and I was just listening intently

to what he was saying,

and I guess my face fell into a neutral pose,

because he called me on it, and he goes,

"Oh, you must suffer from resting bitch face."

Has anyone else gotten that?

It sucks.

I hate that that term even exists.

Like, if a woman’s not smiling all the time

or looking happy all the time, she looks like a bitch?

Which is crazy, because I know what I look like

when I’m being bitchy.

I look like this.

That’s my active bitch face.

So to say my resting face is bitchy

is an outlandish claim.

Also, my face is resting because it’s tired.

It’s so tired from smiling all the time,

or being told to smile all the time,

or waiting for my turn to speak

when I’m in a room full of men,

or apologizing for things that I’m not actually sorry for

but my speech is conditioned in a way

to think that I need to be apologetic

for even taking up space.

[cheers and applause]

And I wanted to explain all this to the guy I was talking to,

but I didn’t want to prove his point by being a bitch about it.

So I just said, "Oh, that’s so funny that you say that.

"This whole time we’ve been talking,

I noticed you had resting rape face."

[applause]

Ended that conversation very quickly.

I need to go back to therapy.

I stopped going

because me and my therapist got in a fight.

Not my fault.

I was traveling for a few months,

and I wanted to take a break,

because I like in-person sessions,

and I didn’t want to do the phone.

And I’m explaining this to her, and she goes,

"Oh, I’m not your boyfriend.

I don’t take breaks."

Which is a sassy thing for someone to say

if I’m paying them.

And I was like, "Well, I don’t know what to do,

"because I don’t want to come back,

so I guess I’m done forever?"

And then she started yelling at me,

started listing all the reasons why I need therapy

and why I need her.

And it was so strange,

because this attack was happening,

but I felt like the work we had done together

got me to an emotional state where I was like,

this has nothing to do with me.

I will not let her put her negative energy on me.

She’s trying to put us in a codependent relationship

that I did not sign up for.

And then I said that out loud,

and she lost it.

Lost her mind.

Kept screaming at me.

And I was waiting for her to stop

so I could be like, "Where do you want the last check?

Because I’m never coming back here again."

And she didn’t stop, so I just got up

and inched my way to the door as she’s shouting at me.

And the last thing she said to me was,

"Fine, go leave.

You’ll be just like your father."

Which is great news,

because we also talked about how I subconsciously

keep looking for men who are just like my father.

Turns out, this whole time, I’m just like my father.

I don’t need to find a man to do what I can do myself.

[applause]

That means I graduated therapy, right?

I became my father.

I’m glad to be in a relationship,

for multiple reasons,

but one is because I was so bad at the chase.

I was so bad at picking up guys.

I would do this thing where I’d meet a guy in a bar

and basically have an emotional one-night stand

where, instead of getting drunk

and opening up my legs to a stranger,

I would get drunk and open up my heart and my soul and my mind

and divulge way too much information about myself.

And just stuff they didn’t need to know,

like, "When I was 9...my dad...

My therapist said this, but I don’t do it."

Like, way too much stuff.

And the guys would never leave immediately,

so I’d be like, "They’re into it."

And then, they would never call to hang out a second time.

But I shouldn’t be surprised,

because it’s like my mom always said.

Why would a man want to buy a cow

when he already knows how emotionally damaged that cow is?

All right, thank you guys so much.

I really appreciate it.

You’ve been wonderful.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[exhales]

- Congrats, you did it.

- Oh, now you’re excited for me?

- What do you mean?

- What about earlier when you literally beat me up?

We’re supposed to be on the same team.

- That was just tough love.

I knew you’d prove me wrong,

and it seems to have worked.

- It felt like you were betting against me.

- Well, some of us were.

- Sorry.

- But that’s not important.

What’s important is, you did it.

- Yeah, I did it.

♪ Despite the crippling fear ♪

♪ Never mind the epic doubt ♪

♪ I’ve conquered all of those today ♪

♪ I’ve learned what it’s all about ♪

♪ How often have I dreamed ♪

♪ That I would one day see ♪

♪ "Pizza Mind" added to my IMDB ♪

♪ I did it ♪

- ♪ You really did it ♪

♪ You got on stage ♪

♪ You told the jokes, you made them laugh ♪

- Except for that one guy in the front.

- He had a lot on his mind.

You did it.

- ♪ I really did it ♪

♪ You hit your marks ♪

♪ You didn’t choke ♪

♪ You didn’t vagina-sweat ♪

- And I usually do so much. - But not today.

- ♪ I did it ♪ - ♪ You really did it ♪

- ♪ I didn’t fart ♪

- Mm...

- Okay, well at least I didn’t shart.

- ♪ You did it ♪

♪ Nobody heckled, nobody booed ♪

♪ And your tooth were almost totally devoid of food ♪

- Almost? - You did it.

- ♪ They said I couldn’t make it ♪

- I’ve always believed in you.

- ♪ They all stood in my way ♪

- Right this way.

- I know that’s a bunch of malarkey.

- ♪ Okay, fine, I’ll admit it ♪

♪ A lot of people helped me ♪

♪ But I’m still working in the confines ♪

♪ Of the patriarchy ♪

[men groan]

♪ Patriarchy ♪

[tempo increases]

- ♪ I did it ♪ - She didn’t trip.

- ♪ I really did it ♪ - She did the show.

- ♪ And I didn’t have a ghostwriter to help me ♪

- Boo.

- ♪ I did it ♪ - She did it.

- ♪ I really did it ♪ - She did the show.

- ♪ And I’ll never have to do it again ♪

♪ Said I’ll never have to do it again ♪

- Yeah, Sasheer, you’re gonna have to do that again.

You missed a cue.

Also, you’re probably gonna want to change your pants.

- You guys, it’s just sweat.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ Let me give you a piece ♪

♪ Of my mind ♪

♪ Fight if you can, I wanna get inside ♪

♪ And show you just who I am, I’m standing ♪

♪ Destiny brought me to do or die ♪

♪ Fly, Jack fighter, in the wing box ♪

♪ Step higher than the wingspan ♪

♪ Broader than any city I land in ♪

♪ Every time with the three-point landing ♪

♪ What’s my name? ♪

♪ Can’t say it? Learn that shit ♪

♪ Embrace your loss, burn that bridge ♪

♪ Ahead of your time, [indistinct] snatch it ♪

♪ Cracked it for the long haul ♪

♪ With the compost ♪

♪ I’m at the council with no accomplishments ♪

♪ Accomplish the mission with the confidence ♪

♪ In the long--oh, man, oh, man, I got this ♪

♪ Watch it ♪

♪ I’m on that, I’m on that ♪

♪ And I won’t let it go ♪

♪ I can do it, I’m on it ♪

♪ And I’ma let ’em know, let ’em know ♪

♪ Let ’em know, let ’em know, let ’em know ♪

♪ I’m on it, and I won’t let it go ♪

♪ Won’t do it, I want it ♪