All language subtitles for Jerry.And.Tom.1998.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ Call me irresponsible

♪ Call me unreliable

♪ Throw in

♪ Undependable too

♪ Do my foolish alibis

♪ Bore you

♪ Well, I am too clever

♪ I just adore you

♪ Call me unpredictable

♪ Tell me,
I'm impractical ♪

♪ Rainbows,

♪ I'm inclined to pursue

♪ Call me irresponsible

♪ Yes, I'm unreliable

♪ But it's
undeniably true ♪

♪ That I am

♪ Irresponsibly mad

♪ For you

You want us to take
the hood off for a while?

No thanks.

Could be a while.
Make it easier to breathe.

I'm okay.

Suit yourself.

What are we waiting for?

Phone to ring.

Why not just do him?

We're supposed to wait
until we get the call.

And what, just sit here?

That's right.

All I'm saying is,
we could just do him now

and get it over with.

We do him now,
the phone rings,

there's been
a mistake.

There's been
a change of plans.

Then what?

Too fucking bad,
I say.

You're anxious.

So fucking what?

Hey, Stan, you're anxious
to get this over with?

Not especially.

See, Stan's not anxious.

- So what?
- I'm anxious.

So fucking what?

Anxious is not good.

I just don't want to sit here
and dwell on this.

Jerry, put a couple more
quarters in the jukebox,

clip your nails,
I don't care, something.

Christ.

You know
any good jokes?

Not at the moment, no.

I got one.

You got a joke?

This grasshopper
walks into a bar.

The bartender says,

"you know, we got
a drink named after you."

The grasshopper goes

"what, you got
a drink named Kevin?"

I don't fucking get it.

Grasshopper named Kevin.

That's a good one, Stan.

That joke is for shit.

I say we do him now.

I got another one.

Let's hear it.

A guy walks into
a doctor's office

with a duck
on his head.

Doctor says,
"may I help you?"

Duck says, "yeah.

Anyway you can get this
guy off my ass?"

Guy off my ass.

It's not even
remotely funny.

Guy off my ass,
my ass.

Tell another one, Stan.
You crack me up.

Uh...

This penguin
walks into a bar.

A penguin?

Yeah, a penguin.

Why can't it be
something else,

like, no offense, Tom,
like a Polack or something?

Because on this
particular day,

it happened
to be a penguin

that walked
into the bar.

Okay, go ahead.

Anyway, this penguin
walks into a bar

and orders
a scotch on the rocks.

The bartender
can't believe his eyes.

He goes back
to his boss and says,

"you're not gonna
believe this,

but a penguin
just walked in here

and ordered a scotch
on the rocks."

How's he gonna drink it?

Slowly.

Penguins don't have hands.

Ducks don't talk
and grasshoppers

aren't named Kevin.

Jerry, it's just
a fucking joke.

I understand
it's just a joke, Tom,

but even a joke has to be
remotely possible,

am I right?

Maybe he drinks it
with his flippers.

His flippers?

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead.

So the bartender
goes back to his boss

and says, "you're not
gonna believe this,

but a penguin
just walked in here

and ordered a scotch
on the rocks."

The boss goes,
"charge him 4 bucks."

The bartender goes back,
pours the penguin a drink

and says,
"that will be 4 bucks."

The penguin pays it.

Where does he keep
his money?

In his wallet
like everybody else.

Okay, if you say so.

The penguin sits there
drinking his scotch,

slowly,
with his flippers.

Suddenly the bartender says--

I heard this one.

You heard this one?

Yeah,
I heard this one.

There's the phone.

You want me
to finish the joke?

You gonna answer it?

Yeah.

You want me
to answer it?

No, it's okay.
I'll get it.

Answer the phone, Tom.

You want I should finish
the joke or what?

Forget about
the fucking joke, Stan.

Okay.

Answer the phone, Tom.

Tom, answer
the fucking phone.

Hello?

Kovachy Motors.

May I ask who's calling?

I'm not here, Jerry.

Bruce.

Jerry, I'm not here.

He's not here
right at the moment.

Where are the fuck are
those titles, for Christ's sake?

No, that was not him
yelling in the background.

I told you he's not here.

Right at the moment
he's out.

Just tell him I'll call
him back, all right?

He says
he'll call you back.

No, when he gets back.

I mean, he'll call you soon
as soon he gets back.

Right.

Okay.

I'll be sure
and tell him.

Here they are.

Right in front of my
fat fucking face.

Bruce says to tell you,

you should
call him tonight

at home
about that thing.

What thing?

I don't know,
he didn't say.

- You didn't ask him?
- No.

When a guy
tells you

he wants me to call
him about a thing,

you endeavor to
find out specifically

what the thing is.

I thought you'd know.

What am I,
a fucking mind reader?

Just ask him
next time.

Next time I will.

I'll be sure--
I'll be sure to ask.

Oh, when Tom comes in,

tell him to give me
a call at home

when he gets through
with the thing.

What thing?

The thing.

Don't ask so many
goddamn questions, kid.

Just tell him.

He'll know
what I'm talking about.

And another thing,

you want
to keep your job?

- Yeah.
- Get a haircut.

Tom.

Hey, Tom.

Thanks, Tom.
I'll get the next one.

Tom?

Yeah, Karl.

You remember my nephew,
Franky Buttikowski?

I went to school with his--
his brother Chris.

Franky... Buttikowski.

He always liked you, Tom.

He used to follow you around
when he was a kid.

Had kind of a temper,
used to get into trouble.

- Yeah, I remember Franky.
- Yeah.

He used to make me carry
around this fucking brick.

Every day I forget
the brick at home,

he smacks me
upside the head,

takes my lunch money,
and just fucking--

Franky?

His brother Chris,
he went to school with me.

Anyway, Franky's got
this bar in uptown.

He's having some trouble
with some guys.

So one night they drag him
out from behind the bar,

take him outside--
out front, mind you--

Now keep in mind
these are Southside guys,

guys from like
Lansing or Harvey,

practically Indiana
for Christ's sake.

They got no respect
there whatsoever.

They just show up...

Where the hell do you jackoffs
think you're taking me?!

What are you
lookin' at, dipshit?

Two of the guys hold him
down on the sidewalk,

s third guy,
fucking cocksucker

bites Franky's nose off.

Jesus.

Wait a minute, he bites
Franky's nose off?

Right the fuck off.

You can't do that.
You can't do that to a guy.

As you can imagine, this is
very upsetting to my family,

to my sister.

Her boy is maimed,
maimed for life.

So what happened
to his nose?

Jerry.

So my sister--

Here, you drive.

Tom, you know,
my sister,

she's calling me day
and night, day and night.

Franky, he's still
in the hospital

and the doctor,
fucking doctor--

Man, don't get sick.

Tom--

So what happened
to his nose?

Uh, the guy spits it out,
the cops look around for it,

they find it
laying on the sidewalk.

They take it over
to the hospital,

they sew it back on.

They can do that?

They can sew it
back on his face?

Yeah,
only it doesn't take.

Nice.

What do you mean
"doesn't take"?

Uh, nerve endings
or something.

The thing turns green,
then it turns black,

they got to
take it back off.

So how's
he gonna breathe?

The holes are
still there, Jerry.

What holes?

The-- what do you call?
The sinus passages.

So what?

Now he's gonna through life
with a couple of holes

in his face
instead of a nose?

They're gonna
make him a new one.

Out of what, plastic?

Out of a piece of his ass.

You are fucking
kidding me.

They take some tissue
out of his buttocks

and they make
a nose out of it.

And they-- how--
who the fuck knows?

Doctors, but they're gonna
make him a brand new nose.

Out of a piece
of his ass.

Jesus H. Christ.

Will it be,
you know, noticeable?

At this point in time
how the fuck

does anybody know?

I mean,
there could be scars.

At the very least.

They have to get it
exactly right,

the shape, the coloring.

How's anybody ever gonna
look him straight in the face?

- Jerry.
- He can end up with an
unpleasant nickname.

I mean this is his nose
we're talking about.

You don't just
bite a guy's nose off,

spit it out
like a piece of bad hot dog.

It just isn't done.

Not to mention, out front.

- Out front?
- Out front of his place.

What's that got to do
with anything?

Well, first off, you don't do
a thing like this,

but if you do, say,
you had to

for some
unforeseen reason--

You do it out back.

That's right,
you do it out back.

Out front, out back?

I would never do
a thing like that,

put a guy's nose
in my mouth.

I don't know
where the fuck it's been.

Tom, my sister,
she's very upset.

She's under sedation.

You want me
to look into it?

- Would you?
- Certainly.

Thank you, Tom.

Don't mention it.

I got to clean out
this backseat sometime.

You're gonna eat
the rest of those fries?

Nah.
Go for it, kid.

I thought
you ate already.

I did.

Thanks.

You could have
stayed at the office.

I'd have brought you
something.

I don't mind.

I been cooped up there
answering the phone all day.

Yeah, well, Billy
ain't gonna like it.

Billy ain't gonna like what?
That I come with?

Yeah, that you come with,
he ain't gonna like it.

What's he not gonna
like about it, Tom?

Well, he's moody.

Too fucking bad.

I'll bring him
a strawberry shake,

he loves those fucking
strawberry shakes.

I got a funny
feeling about this.

Funny feeling
about what?

- Jerry?
- What?

Chew with your mouth
closed, could you?

All of a sudden I just
got this funny feeling.

You know
what I mean, Tom?

Yeah, Karl, I know
what you mean.

Can we talk
about this, Tom?

No, Karl,
I don't think that we can.

We can talk, Tom.

We're friends.

We can talk
this thing through.

I don't think so, Karl.

Well, you can listen
for a minute.

Listen to my side
of the story, am I right?

I'm sorry, Karl.

We bowl together.

Our wives are best friends.

We go back,
we got history.

Yes, we do.

Hey, what can I say?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Christ, Tommy, no.

♪ Tell it to me
one more time ♪

♪ I can
never hear enough ♪

♪ While I got you near

♪ Say those words again
that you just did ♪

I fuckin' hate it
when they see it coming.

You okay, kid?

Yeah.

Hey, look at me.

You okay with this?

Yes.

The only thing is--

Only thing is what?

I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, well, that's--

that's perfectly
all right with me.

Maybe you ought to
get out of the car first.

You want me
to get out of the car?

Well, if you're
gonna be sick

I'll prefer if you get out
of the car first, yes.

Hey, Jerry?

Yeah, Tom.

You want some help?

You want me to hold
your head or something?

No, I'll manage.

You wanted to come along.

This was your idea.
I tried to talk you out of it.

I know.

I could have
brought you something.

It's okay.

Billy's gonna be
pissed at me.

You tried to talk me
out of coming with you, Tom.

I wouldn't fucking
listen.

Well, go ahead,
stick your fingers

down your throat
if you have to.

Get it all out.

I will, Tom.

You'll feel better.

I'm sure I will.

John Hinckley,

the man accused
of shooting

President Ronald Reagan
and three others in 1981

was found not guilty
by reason of insanity

in a Washington
superior court earlier today.

Before further sentencing,

Hinckley will be remanded

to the federal
psychiatric hospital

in Bethesda, Maryland,
for further--

Hey, Billy.

Anybody call
while I was out?

Yeah,
- this guy Stan called.
- Stan?

Hey, Billy, they just
found that Hinckley guy

not guilty
by reason of insanity.

That's bullshit.

Here you go, Billy.

I just heard it on the news
a second ago.

Fuck that, you'd have to be
insane not to shoot Reagan.

But he's the President.

Don't get started
with me, kid.

Did you put the stickers
on the Diplomat

like I told you?

Go do it.

This kid working out okay?

Yeah, he's a good kid.

Gets on my nerves.

You know what your
problem is, Vic?

You got no patience
for this younger generation.

I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

The kid really gets on
my fucking nerves.

Convertible. See?

Nice.

Oh, yeah,
this is a honey.

Maybe we should take a look
at that Charger over there.

Charger?

Baby,
you got to be kidding.

No, you don't want
to look at that Charger.

Why not?
It looks sporty to me.

You want to talk sporty?

Check this out.
Whoa.

Now you take a look at
how clean this puppy is.

I'm sorry, what's your
name again, honey?

Sandra.
Sandra.
Of course.

Now do you mind
if I borrow your hand

for a second there,
Sandra?

Okay.

Now, Brad, at this point
if you were to ask me,

I'd have
to say two things.

One, Sandra has absolutely
lovely hands,

and two...

that is
one clean engine block.

And I think you'd have
to agree with me

on both counts,
am I right?

I'd say so.

I'd say so, okay.

So look, why don't
we go inside the office

and see if we can work
something out, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Now, you go easy
on my boss Billy, okay?

Because the guy
is a real pussy cat.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah, Jerry.

I thought I told you to hang on
to that Firebird for me.

Oh, I think
that car is too rich

for your blood, Jerry.

I think you might want
to check out that old Pinto

in the back.

That Firebird is cherry.

Yeah, well, you'll have to
fight big Brad for it now,

Jerry.

So we come all the way

to Kenosha fuckin'
Wisconsin to see a movie?

Not hardly.

What?

I said not hardly.

I hate these
out of town jobs.

We didn't come here
to see a movie?

What did I just say?

Are we-- are we
waiting on someone?

That's right.

We're waiting
on someone in particular?

Yeah.

Who?

What is this,
20 fucking questions?

I'm just curious.

Jerry, are you familiar
with the expression

"curiosity
strangled the cat"?

I always thought it was
"curiosity killed the cat."

God lives
in the details, Jerry.

What?

Take off that jag-off hood
and you can hear me.

Hey, Tom, um,
can I ask you something?

What?

How many,
you know, jobs

you figure you do in, say,
an average year?

I don't know,
one, maybe two,

in a busy year,
sometimes three.

That's it?

Believe me, that's plenty.

Awright, you stay here.

You ain't gonna let me come in
and see the movie?

I told you, Jerry,
we're not here

to see a goddamn movie.

I understand that, Tom.

But I figured maybe
I could come in with you.

It's pretty cold out here.

All right, here.

Sit in the car
and turn on the heater.

Whatever you say, Tom.

But I'd kind
of like to come with.

You're aware
of what you're asking?

You're not gonna
get in the way?

I swear.

We're not here
to watch a movie.

I know.

Got powdered sugar
on your mouth.

All right, let's go.

Don't look at me like that.

Deb and I had a fight.

What else is new?

Fuck,
this was a bad one.

- How bad?
- She threw the phone at me.

Don't
fucking kiss me, all right? Did she connect?

Missed me by this much.

Well, you got nothing
to worry about.

When they stop
throwing stuff,

that's when you got
to start worrying.

- You think?
- I know.

Hey!

Look out, I can't move!

Get out of the way!

What did you do then?

What did I do when?

After she threw
the phone at you.

Fucking ducked.

Then what?

Took a walk.

Didn't pop her one?

No.

Good.

I got the fuck
out of there,

and I took a walk.

Good for you.

Quiet!

You want my opinion?
What?

- Marry her.
- I-- I don't know.

You two are suited
for each other.

She throws the phone,
you duck.

That's true love,
that's passion.

It is?

Fucking Romeo and Juliet
threw shit at each other

all the time.

You think I should
ask her to marry me?

Make an honest woman
of her, start a family.

Your whole outlook
on life changes.

Shut the hell up already,
will you?

Truly sorry.

Son of a bitch.

You see
that woman up there?

Excuse me?

You see that woman
up there on the screen?

The redhead?

Help me, please.

No, the blonde,
Vicki Torrance.

Go ahead, kill her.
See if I care.

Very attractive.

Yeah,
well, that's my Vicki.

See this part, watch this.

No.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You see the way
she's selling those punches?

Now that's acting.

Did all her
own stunts, too.

You know her?

She was my fiancée.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

We fell in love.

We were gonna
get married, too,

but we got mixed up
with these fellas,

the wrong fellas.

We were way over our heads
with those fellas.

We went to the police,
but they got to her anyway.

Vicki, ready for you.

Thank you, David.

There was an accident
on the set.

"Sudden Extreme Justice 2."

They switched a dummy flame-
thrower for the real thing.

Hey, props.

Props, get that
flamethrower in right away.

Yeah.

All right, stand by
for rehearsal,

get the food cleared out.

Thanks.

Lilly, bring that
gun over here.

Lilly,
bring it over.

Put it up a little higher.

That's it.

All right,
go ahead, do it.

I think it's jammed.

Oh, my God!

You don't want to know.

So they fixed me up
with a new identity,

got a new job,

just like
they did with Elvis.

Yep.

Yeah, he went
and got himself

mixed up
with the wrong fellas, too,

just like me and Vicki,

except they sent him
up to Kalamazoo.

Now here we are,

life without The King.

Life without my Vicki.

One of these days
they're gonna catch up

with me anyway.

Hell, you two fellas
might even be the ones.

But you know something?

I don't really give a damn.

Look at her.

This was the last thing
she did.

I've seen it 37 times.

Sometimes when I'm
sitting here like this,

just watching,
I almost forget.

It's almost like
she's still alive.

Cover me!

When she does that trick
with the rocket launcher

my heart
rolls over sideways

and just about quits.

This is all I have of her.

You know what really
gets to me, though?

Not the shower scene
coming up.

And that's no body double,

let me tell you that
in advance.

That's her appendix scar,
those are her moles.

No, what
really gets me is...

the scene in the basement.

She's just sitting there,

cleaning her Uzi.

There's this close-up

when she raises her hand
to her face

to wipe the sweat off.

And you can see
the little hairs

under her arm.

That gets me every time.

She was
the love of my life...

and I miss her.

And I don't give a shit

about much of anything
anymore.

Tom, will you
stand up for me?

You're asking me now?

It was your idea.

I'd be honored.

You would?

It would be
a fucking honor, yes.

I'll ask her tonight.

Good.

Let's get out of here.

Is there a problem here, Jerry?

I don't know, Tom.
I don't know.

Look, it's usually
not a good idea to make

this much conversation
with a guy,

a guy you don't even know,
beforehand.

Hey, you can't afford to listen
to every guy's sob story.

Let's go.

You don't want
to know the particulars.

It gives you
a reason to pause,

you end up feeling sympathy

which has a tendency
to get in the way.

Something to keep in mind

for the next time.

You okay?

I liked him, that's all.

♪ What does it matter,
a dream of love ♪

♪ Or a dream of lies

♪ We're all gonna be
in the same place ♪

♪ When we die

♪ The spirit
don't leave knowing ♪

♪ Your face or your name

♪ Wind through your bones
is all that remains ♪

♪ And we're all gonna be

♪ I say we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I say we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I say we're all gonna be

The first time
is always happenstance.

Always.

You just happen to be there
when it happens.

Maybe you're young,

a younger man.

Billy walks into the office

with Vic and another guy,

some--
some guy you don't know,

some guy
you never saw before.

And when they go to
take this new guy out back,

out to the lot,

naturally you jump up to go with.

Maybe Billy says something,

like, "No, Tom,
you stay here."

We're just gonna
go out back

to look at a car.

You stay here
and fix those odometers."

Well,
now you're curious, right?

So you tag along anyway.

And you watch

as they go
over this old Chevy,

'59 Impala, black

with a red interior,

a little rust starting
to pockmark

the quarter panels.

Eddie, you are gonna
love this car.

Now, Billy, he's not
too keen on you being there.

This car comes
in a week ago.

You know what goes
through my mind?

This car has Eddie
written all over it,

that's what
goes through my mind.

Well,
Vic for some reason,

he don't seem
to mind at all.

Wait'll you see
the interior here.

It's not tan,
it's not blue...

it's--it's red.

Then you watch
as Billy and this new guy

poke around,
making chit-chat.

Go in there,
check out the radio.

Tom, I told ya...

And then Vic
pulls out his piece,
almost out of the blue.

Eddie, there's something
- I gotta show you here.
- What?

And then he lets
the guy have it.

And then
Vic looks back at you

just to see how well
you're taking it.

And just like that,

the thing is over
and done with.

Get inside there.

I told you to stay
in the office.

Leave him alone.

Oh, poor Eddie.

Ah, don't worry about Eddie.

For the most part
he was a stand-up guy.

Yeah, for the most part.

My stomach is sick.
It's upset.

Have a bromo.

Hey, you don't even have
your coat on, get inside.

You're all right, kid.

Happenstance.

You just happen to be there.

The second time
is coincidence.

The third time,

well,
that's your choice.

After that,

you are on the job
with the other guys.

You are watching
and listening

and learning a thing or two.

You are learning a trade.

Thank you.

Have some more fried rice.

I don't want
any more fried rice.

Have some more
fried rice, Jerry.

I don't want any more
fucking fried rice, okay?

Then have a fortune cookie.

No thanks.

You don't want
to see your fortune?

No.

Why not?

Afraid it might say
today is not a good day

to whack a guy
out in the parking lot?

I'm not afraid of any
fucking fortune cookie.

My mind is
elsewhere right now.

That's all.

Look at me.

You look nervous.
This is not good.

Now you get your mind off
of this thing right now

or I'm gonna make you go
wait in the car.

What does it say?

"Soon you will be
lucky in love."

Oh, that's a good one.

Put this in your pocket,
take it home to Debbie.

Ought to be good
for something, huh?

That guy over there,

does he look
like a cop to you?

What, that guy?

That ain't a cop,
that's the bus boy.

Doesn't look like
any bus boy to me.

His name is Jimmy.

He's a retard, Jerry.
The guy's retarded.

Doesn't look like a retard.
Looks smart, like a cop.

Oh, yeah, he's smart.

He's smart as a sack
of wet hammers.

The guy don't even know
how to tie his own shoes.

Still.
Look at his shoes.

- So what?
- They're loafers.

When was the last time
you saw a cop wearing loafers?

Maybe he's undercover.

And he acts like a retard,
wears loafers to throw you.

What are you saying, Jerry?

Nothing.

- You want to go wait in the car?
- No.

I mean, you look a little
rattled for some reason.

You want maybe
- I should drive you home?
- I didn't say that.

Maybe you're not up
for this thing.

I'm just, you know,
a little rattled. That's all.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

You know, you're the one
- who wanted to do this one.
- I do.

You know, maybe
I should do this one.
let you sit this one out.

It's no problem for me to do it.
- You could do the next one.
- I said I'll do it.

- You sure?
- Yes.

- Okay then, it's settled.
- Okay.

You okay there, Jimmy?

- I'm okay.
- Oh, well, that's good.

Well, you make sure
they don't

take that out of your pay,
huh?

You gonna keep
looking around,

doing that thing
- with your head?
- What thing with my head?

Well, you're doing it
- right now.
- Doing what?

You're bobbing up and down,

bobbing up and fucking
down like this, like Reagan.

You ever watch that guy?

He's got palsy.

- Palsy?
- Nervous disorder.

Oh, I know what
fucking palsy is, Jerry,

but I think
it's just nerves.

The guy standing up there
like that,

lying through his teeth,

makes your head bob
up and down.

I'm pretty sure
that's palsy.

Hey, hey. You know what
his last movie was?

Reagan's?

The Killers.
You know what he plays?

I don't know.

A sheriff?

Hitman.

Fuck you.

Honest to God.

He smacks
Angie Dickinson, around,

then he does this
armored car heist,

double-crosses
John Cassavetes,

pulls out this pistol with this
fat fuckin' silencer on it

and gives him
one in the gut.

Then to top it off,
he takes out Clu Gulager

and Lee Marvin
with a deer rifle.

He takes out Lee Marvin
with a deer rifle?

Fucking unbelievable.

When was this movie?

Sometime in the early '60s.

And right after that,
he gets into politics.

Now, is there a connection?

Hmm, who's to say?

No way I have palsy then.

Well, maybe you
don't have palsy yet,

but if I were you,
I would look into this,

because this head-bobbing thing
is a little unusual.

Yeah.

You keeping an eye on him?

Who?

The guy. Our guy.

Yeah.

Is he going outside?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Ahh. Sorry.

Okay.

Hey, get up...
and go to the john.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Go through the kitchen
out to the parking lot.

When he gets to the car,
takes out his keys,

one in the back
of the head.

Back of the head.
Take his keys.

Take his keys,
you slide him in the trunk,

you come back
in the same way that you left.

We deal with the car later.

Now, you okay with this?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay then.

Everything turn out okay?

Fine.

Any problems?

None.

Feel like ordering
some dessert?

Not really.

But you're good?

Yeah, I'm...good.

Let me see your hand.

You're okay, kid.

Thanks.

So you want
to get out of here,

take care of the car,
call it a night?

Sounds good to me.

♪ My mother said to me

♪ You're the greatest man
alive ♪

♪ But now I'm a man

♪ I made 21

♪ I want you to
believe me, honey ♪

♪Ah, sucker.

♪ I'm a man

♪ I spell "M"

♪ "A," child

♪ "N"

Gas in it?

Yes.

You checked the tank?

Tank's half full.

Shit.

Check the tank, Jerry.

There's plenty of gas
in the thing, Tom.

You checked the oil?

The oil's fine.

You checked it?

I checked it.

Just asking.

Shit.

Fuck!

Should have gone
with the Black and Decker.

Black and Decker
can both come down here

and suck my dick.

It's a piece of shit.

Black and Decker is not
a couple of guys, Jerry.

Black and Decker
is a corporation.

I don't give a fuck
who they are.

You still have the receipt?

Somewhere,
yes, I think so.

You think
you have the receipt

or you do have the receipt?

I might have
thrown it out.

Oh, you might have
thrown it out.

I might have tossed it
with the box.

Should have gone over
to Sears, like I told you.

I did go to Sears
but the fucking thing

was 6 bucks cheaper
at the Big Buy.

One thing about
Sears, Jerry...

Right.

You never need a receipt.

Fuck Sears!

Sears can come down
here and kiss my ass.

Sears is not a guy, Jerry.

Sears is a corporation
just like Black and Decker,

although at one time
there was a guy named Sears

and another guy
named Roebuck.

But Sears and Roebuck
didn't get along.

So Sears tried
to buy Roebuck out,

but Roebuck
wouldn't sell.

So Sears hired
a couple of guys...

And besides,
Adam expected something
in return from Eve.

What?
- Well, he expected her
to populate the Earth.

WOMAN #
Oh! For an apple.

Yes, Marion,
for an apple.

You, on the other hand,
would do it

for three fingers
of gin.

Taxi!

Aaaah!

That never happened.

Could have.

Fuck!

Patience, Jerry.

Fuck patience.

I want to get this thing done

so we can get out
of here by halftime.

This is the same thing
I went through with Tom Junior

and the lawn mower,
the same exact thing.

Fuck!

Fuck me!

Jerry,
you're angry

and you're holding
a power tool.

This is not advisable.

It says so
right on the box.

Do not operate while
under the influence of alcohol

or while pissed off.

It doesn't say
that on the box.

Sure it does, right on the side
in small print.

I'd read it to you
if you hadn't already

thrown it out along
with the receipt.

Useless piece of shit!

Did you check the sparkplug?

Sparkplug?

Yeah, the sparkplug.

Sometimes these
no-name brands,

that little
clip comes loose.

You got to take your time
with these things, Jerry.

You can't get all pissed off,
try to fight the thing.

You have to follow
the instructions.

Make sure it's all
in proper working order.

You must become one
with your chainsaw, Jerry.

There.

And just in case,
you might have purchased

faulty machinery,

you should always
hang on to your receipt.

Sparkplug?

Clip came loose!

Put your goggles on, Jerry.

Let's go to work.

All right, nice and comfy.

Go ahead, start her up.

Try it again.

He's a fucking idiot.

- Looks like Deb is pregnant.
- You're shittin' me.

Nope. We did the thing at home,
it came out blue,

and unless I'm reading
the box wrong,

she is with child.

Hey, that's great.

Think I'll make
a good father?

You're worried
that you won't?

Scared shitless.

That's a good sign.

It is?

Tom Jr. is gonna be
13 next year,

a fucking teenager.

I must know
something, right?

I'd say so.

You're gonna be great!

You think Billy
will give me a raise?

Well, if you ask him nice
and Vic ain't around.

Who's to say?
Billy loves kids.

How come Vic don't like me?

Oh, don't take it personal.
Vic don't like nobody.

Vic's a prick.

What do you got?

Here, go ahead.

No.
You sure?

No, no, no, I'm trying
to lose some weight.

Thanks, Tom.

Let me tell you
something about Vic.

In his time
he was the best,

the best at what we do.

Everything I know
I learned from him.

And he had heart, too.

So what happened to him?

He retired.

Billy kicked him upstairs
into management.

So he lost his
outlet for things.

They pulled his teeth,
so to speak.

You want to know
how good Vic was in his day?

How good?

Two words...

and I never said these
before tonight to anyone...

Two little words,

two huge little words.

What?

Grassy knoll.

Fuck you!

Okay, fuck me.
He was there though.

You're not
fucking with me?

Dallas, November 1963,
he was there.

How do you know?

Ever see that
Zapruder film?

Yeah, so?

There's a shot of Vic.

Much younger,
but definitely Vic.

Running across the grass,

carrying what looks like

a box of flowers.

No shit.

You want to know
why Vic was there?

It was a Mob hit?

Revenge. Simple
fucking revenge.

For what?

Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn Monroe?

They had a thing.

Vic had a thing
with Marilyn Monroe?

Vic was
supposed to do her.

He was supposed
to DO HER do her?

Well, yeah,

but when it got
right down to the moment,

he couldn't do it.

Worse yet...

they fell in love.

Vic The Prick
and Marilyn Monroe?

So JFK hired someone else.

They made it
look like a suicide,

and that sent Vic
around the bend.

JFK hired Vic.

Personally. On Frank's boat.

Not the Frank.

How many fuckin'
Franks are there?

No shit.

Now according to Vic,
they were gonna get married,

but someone stuffed
her full of pills first.

Vic, beyond a doubt, knew who,

took the train
to Dallas and...

pfft...

that was that.

Few years later
he did Bobby, too.

Vic did Bobby?

He tried to Ted, too.
Took his shot.

Tire blew out, car went off
the bridge into the river.

Vic does not care
for that family one bit.

Even to this day, you so much
as mention the name,

you watch the veins,
they stick out on his neck.

Jesus.

He was the best
in what we do.

Here comes our guy.

Okay.

You want me to do him?

You want to do him?

I'd like to, yes.

Let's flip for it.

Here, call it
in the air.

No, that's okay.

Go ahead.

May I help you?

Okay,
what do we got here?

What are these guys doing?

What are you
gentlemen doing here?

Are you performing a function
of any kind here?

Seriously.

Okay, is that the camera angle
you're doing?

What am I, supposed to
look like Santa Claus?

Nesbitt, come here
and put some darkener on here,

for Christ's sake.

Oh, that feels good.

Can I see the mirror,
sweetheart?

There's too much red there.

Todd, the windshield didn't
shatter properly last time.

No comedic impact whatsoever.

He's throwing good money
right down the toilet

with all these
goddamn TV commercials.

I see.
Oh, I do.

- If you ask me.
- Certainly, yes.

Which no one
around her did.

No, I can certainly
understand your concern, yes.

So finding a gun
in my son's locker

is very disturbing, I agree.

It could be worse,
but I agree.

Well, he could have walked
into the high school cafeteria
and started shooting.

That would be worse.

Or he could have
waltzed into your office

and popped off
any number of people.

That would be worse too.

"Lucille Ball
dead at age 77."

No, I assure you

I'm not making
light of this situation,

believe you me.

Now, she was
a very sexy woman,

let me tell you.

And you know
what made her sexy?

Yes, it is registered
in my name.

It wasn't her legs,

although some people
might argue that point.

Well, because I work
in a funky neighborhood.

No, I'll tell you
why it was.

A little
on the funky side, yes.

She was funny.

On the Westside.

Yes.
Oh, you know the area?

And call me crazy,
but funny, to me, is sexy.

Well, I'm in sales.
Kovachy Motors.

Billy Kovachy.
That's right.

You know him?

You do.

Well, then you must have
purchased a car from us

sometime in the past.

Is that it?

At Kovachy Motors
we'll even take

your foreign car in trade.

Why?

Can you change
the stupid card,
for Christ's sake?

Because we love foreign cars.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
he is a pretty good kid.

He's just got all those,
what you call it,

hormones raging
inside of his system.

Oh, don't I know it?

Fuckin' thing's not gonna air
until 4 o'clock in the morning
anyway.

To top it off,
he is not a photogenic man.

Well, yeah,
I'll come by this afternoon

and pick it up
on my way home from work.

If you ask me.

No, it was a pleasure
talking to you.

Which no one ever here does.

Todd,
I'm very alone here,

I'm feeling like I'm doing
the whole thing by myself.

Having trouble with the kid
at school?

Nah, it's my youngest.
It's no big deal.

Let me just practice.

Tom?

Yeah, Vic.

Just remember,

a belt's for more than
just keeping your pants up.

You give that kid
a few good cracks

across the ass
just for punctuation.

You hear me?

Yeah, I hear you, Vic.

♪ I used to work
in Chicago ♪

♪ In a department store

- Here you go.
- Oh good.

♪ I used to
work in Chicago ♪

♪ I did,
but I don't work anymore ♪

♪ A woman came in
for a house dress ♪

♪ I asked her
what kind she wore ♪

♪ "Jumper," she said,
jump her I did ♪

♪ And I don't work there
anymore ♪

- Here. Here's some more.
- Are these cheesy potatoes?

- Come on, that's cheese.
- Oh, my favorite.

A little onion,
a little paprika.

Nobody makes pierogies
like Vic.

Listen, Vic, um,

Billy says you're thinking
about writing some book?

I ain't exactly gonna
write the damn thing myself,

but, yeah, I got an agent.

Nah, she's gonna fix me up
with someone

who's gonna help me
write it.

You got an agent?

Yeah, some pushy little broad
from New York.

This book thing, Vic,
I have to tell you,

is making Billy
a little nervous.

Fuck him.
He'll get over it.

He's got no reason to be
nervous about me.

I ain't exactly turning
state's evidence or anything.

Yeah, but still.

Hey, we're closed!

- Close the fucking door!
- Get the fuck out of here!

I ain't gonna
name anybody...

nobody that we associate
with, anyway.

Just a few
famous dead people

that I may or may not have,
over the years,

for one reason
or another,

come in close personal
contact with.

Tom tells me
you took out JFK.

You tell him that?

I may have, uh...

I might have mentioned
that in passing.

A thing like that, Tom,

it ain't exactly something
you mention in passing,

not to just anybody.

I didn't mention it
to just anybody.

I mentioned it to Jerry.

Well, did ya?

I ain't saying I did
and I ain't saying I didn't.

Guess you'll just have to wait

and read about it
in my book.

Awright.

You know
what they're gonna call it?

Portrait of a Hitman.

Pretty good title, huh?

If I buy a copy,
will you autograph it for me?

Fuck no.

I'll sign it Mr. X.

That's the name my--
my agent gave me,

you know, to be safe.

Sorta like a--
what do you call it?

A "pseudo-name."

Now me, I came up
with "Tony Goulet."

On account of I like Robert
Goulet and Tony Bennett so much,

but they wouldn't have
any part of it,

it's too ethnic
or some shit.

I got to tell you, Vic,

Billy doesn't think
this is such a good idea,

even with the Mr. X thing.

Well, fuck him
and his pacemaker.

We're talking about
my life story here.

Everybody got a right to tell
their fucking life story.

Am I right
or am I right?

I don't know, Vic.

So, Vic,

you do anybody else
famous?

Maybe two
or three people

I could name off
the top of my head.

Like who?
Jimmy Hoffa?

No, not Jimmy Hoffa.

Although I do know a guy...

Like who then?

Tell me somebody else famous
you did. Besides JFK, I mean.

Four words.

Four little words.

You still gonna
buy the book?

Are you kidding?

I'll wait in line
for a first copy.

Four little
fucking words.

"Hunka, hunka
burning love."

No way, Vic!
No fucking way.

You did Elvis?

I ain't saying I did

and I ain't saying I didn't.

He died of an overdose
in the crapper,

fell and hit his head,
something like that.

Could be he did,

could be he might have
faked the whole thing.

Joined. the witness
protection program....

an account of he was doing
some work for Nixon

and the feds
and it got a little heated.

And could be that
he just recently resurfaced

up near Kalamazoo,

living quietly
under an assumed name.

How you doing?
What can I do for you?

Yeah, fill it up, please.

And maybe
I took a little road trip

up to Michigan
few years back...

for no good reason.

Could be a lot of things,
Jerry.

You fucking whacked Elvis.

Could be I did,
could be I didn't.

Guess you'll just
have to wait

and read about it
in my book.

In a fucking book.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I'll just mention
that on the Oprah show.

Excuse me?

Yeah, they asked me
to be on in a couple of weeks.

Me and a bunch of
other guys--

"Contract Killers
Who Write Books,"
something like that.

That's tremendous.

This is not a good idea,
Vic.

My agent thinks
it's a very good idea, actually.

Help us get a bigger advance
on the book deal,

maybe even the movie rights.

We're all gonna be
wearing ski masks.
What's the problem?

It'll worry Billy.

Tell Billy to take
a fucking pill already!

You know who I see
playing me in the movie?

Ernest Borgnine.

Ernest Borgnine
is good.

He's a good actor.

Is he dead?

I don't know.
I hope not.

He better fucking
not be dead,

that's all I got to say,

because he's playing me
in the movie,

the movie of my life.

Who will play Tom,
you think?

Who'll play me?

Yeah, in the movie,
the movie of Vic's life.

Nobody.
I ain't gonna be in no movie.

- Charleton Heston.
- No, he's too old.

Too old? What the fuck
do you know about anything?

I'd say,

if it was up to me,
Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds?

Yeah.

I like him.

Yeah, he'll be
real good as you, I think.

I could live with that.

Yeah, but this is
all hypothetical,

'cause I ain't gonna be
in no movie.

What about me?

You?
Who'll play you in the movie?

I don't know.

Who says you're
in even in this movie, huh?

This is my fucking movie.

Hey, wait a minute.

I know.
He's perfect!

- Who?
- Who?

Don Knotts.

Don fucking Knotts?

Yeah,
he reminds me of you.

You're kidding me,
right?

Well, a young Don Knotts.

I'm insulted, Tom.

I picked somebody
good for you,

so why can't you pick
somebody good for me?

Don Knotts
is fucking great.

He's fucking great.

He doesn't have a chin.

He's still great.

Anyways, he's too old.

Think of somebody younger...
with a chin.

I don't know any of these
younger guys, Jerry.

This is my fucking movie.

You are not even in it.

So who the fuck cares?

Listen, Vic,

you sure there ain't no way
I could talk you out of this?

No, no fucking way.

And don't you go
getting any ideas, Tom.

And you know what I mean.

What the fuck is this?

My insulin.

You got diabetes?

- Yeah.
- Since when?

Since I was a kid.

Can't you do that
somewhere else?

Do you have to do that
at the table?

I'm having a reaction.

That's a pretty big
fucking needle, kid.

Yeah.
Well, I got a really bad case.

I can't stand needles.

Just take a second.

Find yourself
a nice meaty spot.

Well, go find yourself

a nice meaty spot
in the toilet.

It's no big deal, Vic.

You pull the plunger
back like this.

You little fuck!

You asshole!

Uh-oh.
I forgot to push the air
out of the needle first.

That's not a good thing.

Tom! Give me a hand here,
will you?

Give me a hand, Tom.

Fuck!

Shit!

What the fuck
did you do, Jerry?

The air travels
through his bloodstream,

see, down into his heart,
his ventricle explodes.

Looks pretty much
like a heart attack.

Saw it in a movie.

We were supposed to wait

until we got him
out in the parking lot,

until we got him out back.

I thought I'd try something
different for a change.

Well, the next time
you decide

to try something different,
check with me first.

Sure, Tom,
whatever you say.

Hey, look at me, Jerry.

This was Vic you took out.

He was a friend of mine,

a close personal friend,
and he deserved some respect.

Something more respectful

than having a fucking
needle jammed into his neck

while he's trying
to eat his pierogies.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Go call an ambulance.

We--

we got to make this
look good.

You think this is the piece
he whacked Elvis with?

♪ What does it matter,
a dream of love ♪

♪ Or a dream of lies

♪ We're all gonna be
in the same place ♪

♪ When we die

♪ The spirit
don't leave knowing ♪

♪ Its face or its name

♪ Wind in your bones
is all that remains ♪

♪ And we're all gonna be

♪ Yeah, yeah,
I said we're all gonna be ♪

♪ Just dirt in the ground

[ baby continues crying ]♪ We're all gonna be

Shit.♪ Just dirt in the ground

♪ We're all gonna be

♪ Dirt in the ground

Okay, huh?

Oh, it's not good, huh?

Is that better?

Okay.

♪ Connor is a big boy

♪ Connor

Well, she's done.

Jesus, Jerry.

What?

We weren't here
to do the woman.

We weren't?

No.

Shit.

Apparently the guy
we're supposed to do ain't here.

She was in the way.

What the fuck
was I supposed to do?

You could have waited.

You could have let me
take care of it.

We could have gone out.

We could have
come back later.

What do we--
what do we now?

We wait.
We wait for the guy.

I ain't ever done
a woman before, Tom.

Yeah, well,
neither have I.

She's fucking
beautiful, Tom.

Don't you think?

So what,
- you want to fuck her?
- No.

Whether or not she's beautiful

is at this point
beside the point.

I'm just making
an observation is all.

You think I don't know
a beautiful woman

when I see one, Jerry?

You think beauty even enters
into the equation?

So shut the fuck up
about her being beautiful, okay?

She wasn't supposed to be here,
you got trigger-happy.

So here we are.
So shut the fuck up!

Y-You're pissed at me?

As a matter of fact,
right now,

yes,
I'm a little pissed at you.

I was just doing my job.

Yeah, well, you want to
do your job,

next time
you look to me,

you let me handle
these types of situations.

She was in the way.

Yeah, well, she's out
of the fucking way now.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Tom, I shoulda
followed your lead.

You gonna be okay
with this?

Listen,
don't worry about it, huh?

The thing is done.

I always wondered
what I'd do,

if I ever had to,
you know,

somebody innocent,

somebody who just got in the way.

Now you know.

Last night,
Deb and I went up to bed.

I couldn't fall asleep,

she started snoring,
you know.

Really sawin' wood.

And then the baby started
screaming in his crib.

Deb is out
like somebody hit her

in the head with a shovel.

So...

I got up.

It was my turn anyway.

I got him a bottle,
I walked him around the house,

sang to him.

He would not stop screaming
no matter what.

So finally, I put him down,

I went down to the car
in my boxer shorts,

got my piece
out of the trunk,

I screwed on the silencer,
I went back upstairs

and I put the muzzle
to his head.

I stood there
for a few seconds

imagining myself
actually doing my own son.

I mean
everyone has these thoughts,

at one time or another,
what would it be

like to kill my wife
and kids?

But those are just thoughts.

There's a world of difference
between thinking a thing

and actually doing it.

I know that.

But I was standing there

with the muzzle of the gun
pointed at my kid's head,

stuck in that
fucking grey area

between the two.

Was I only thinking about
doing it

or was I actually gonna do it?

I honestly...didn't know.

And then just like that...

he fell asleep.

I went back down to the car,
put the gun away,

went back up to bed.

Never, never, never...

point the muzzle of a gun
at a loved one.

Never. No matter what.

You leave your work
at the office

or in this case,

in the trunk
of your fucking car.

Maybe I need a vacation.

Oh, I think
maybe you need

more than
a fucking vacation, Jerry.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Shit!

Well, is she done?

She is now.

You okay with this?

I'm okay.

I wish this guy would hurry up
and come home.

Ah, this hot fucking
weather in December,

I love it.

How does Deb
like the hotel?

Oh, she loves it.

Yeah, Peg too.

Hanging out
by the pool all day.

By tonight they'll be
so sunburned we won't be able
to get within 10 feet of 'em.

Yeah,
like a couple of lobsters.

Shit.

You remember that guy
we did in Waukegan?

- That parking permit guy.
- Right.

- So I'm in the forest preserve.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm taking care of the thing,

pouring lime over him...

and just before I finish,

I look up

- and I see a deer.
- A deer.

Fifty feet away,
just a young one,

you know, with the white spots,
the trembling legs,

big wet nose.

Fuckin' Bambi.

Right.

And for what seemed
like the longest time,

we just stood there
and looked at each other.

Huh.
Did you shoot him?

No, I didn't shoot him.

We were having a moment.

And then he ran off
into the trees

and just like that,

it was gone.

At this point was he whole
or in sections?

The guy?

I--I had to take the arms
and legs off.

That's beautiful, Tom.

You don't get it,
do you?

What's not to get?

You're out in the woods,

dipping lime all
over the parking permit guy,

who happens to be
in sections at the time

and you have a moment
with Bambi.

That is--
that's fucking beautiful.

I'm trying to tell you
something here, Jerry.

I'm getting
a little too old for this.

I'm starting to lose my appetite
for this type of work.

Are you serious?

I'm just looking ahead
to my retirement.

Somehow, Tom,
I cannot picture it.

I'm just mulling it over,
that's all.

If you say so.

Hey, there's our guy.

He's here?

Yeah, right over there.

Yeah, I spotted him
right off.

Jerry.

Keep the change.

- Thanks, honey.
- Thanks.

The guy in a suit?

Beyond the guy
with the suit, and to the left.

With the sunglasses?

Next to the guy
with the sunglasses.

With the--what is that,
a golf cap?

Yeah, that's him.
- He's talking to the bald guy.
- You sure?

This is the guy.

He looks older.

What do you mean
"looks older"?

Well, he looks like
a different guy altogether.

This is him.

You positive?

Yes.

Well, all right, we'll wait
till he goes to the john

and we'll do him in there.

Let's try something different
for a change.

Different?

How?

Let's do him here
and now, in the open.

There's too many people
in the way.

Believe me, they'll move.

Jerry,
this is not a good idea.

Somebody will ID us.

Believe me,
no one will ID us.

I'll make sure of it.

We'll wait until
he goes to the john.

Come on, Tom,
let's do this job right here

in broad daylight.

Right here
in bright Florida sunshine.

Jerry, no.

Read my lips,
no fucking way.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Don't open that.

I'm gonna do it, Tom.

Jerry, don't.

I'm getting too old
for this shit.

This will make you feel
young again, I promise.

Do not take out this guy
in this way, Jerry.

This is the most serious
on-the-job advice

I've ever given you.

Now you're a professional,
act like one.

Come on, Tom.

Live a little.

- Ooh!
- Charlie!

Ouch!

Kovachy Motors.

Well, can I ask
who's calling?

I'm not here.

Lou?

Tell him I'll call him back
later tonight.

He'll call you back
sometime later tonight.

Where the fuck are those
goddamn registrations?

No, that was not him
yelling in the background.

That was somebody else
yelling in the background.

Yeah.

I'll tell him to call you
as soon as he gets back.

Okay.

Here they are.

Right in front of my fat
fucking face.

Lou says you should call him
ASAP about that thing

you guys were discussing
the other night.

What thing?

He didn't say.

You didn't ask him?

No, I figured you'd know
what he is talking about.

What-- what-- what am I,
a mind reader all of a sudden?

You know how many things
Lou and I

discussed the other night?

I have no idea.

Any number of things,
that's how many.

I discuss a lot of things

with a lot of a different guys
all week long.

You know that, Tom.

And, in fact,
you and I were just discussing

a certain thing
just this morning, am I right?

I remember.

Good, because I want you
to remember

to take care of that
particular thing this week.

I'll take care of it.

That's the--
the thing with--with Stan.

I will.

So the next time
somebody calls,

just ask him to be
a little more specific for me,

would you, Tom?

I will, Billy.
Next time I'll ask.

Because the older I get,

the harder it is for me
to keep one thing straight
from another.

Answer the phone, Tom.

Tom,
answer the fucking phone!

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,
he's right here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I understand.

Okay.

Was that Billy?

Yeah, that was Billy.

What did he say?

What do you think
he said?

That's what I thought.

Hey, Stan, before we do you,
you mind finishing the joke?

Oh, yeah.

The penguin sits there
drinking his scotch.

The bartender says,

"you know, we don't get
many penguins in here."

The penguin looks up
and says "at 4 bucks a pop,

you're not getting
many more either."

That's it?

That's the punchline?

That's it.

I'm serious, damn it,
that joke is for shit.

Shut up and do it.

Wait a second, Jerry.

What?

I'm sorry, kid,
nothing personal.

Fucking untie me!

Fuck you!

You fucking dumb shit!

I'm sorry to have to tie you up
like that, Stan.

I had to make it
look good.

Fuck you too, Tom.

This fucking kid
should have been taken
care of long before now.

I know.

I'm definitely getting too old
for this line of work.

You and me both.

Maybe I'll take Peg up
to Lake Geneva.

Shop around for a condo.

Maybe Billy
will kick me upstairs

into management.

Sorry, Tom.

Orders from Billy,
like you said.

Yeah, nothing
personal, Stan.

♪ We're caught in a trap...

Know any good jokes? ♪ I can't walk out...

This gorilla
walks in a bar,

orders a pitcher of beer.

Goes and sits in the back
in a booth.

About a half hour later,
this bear joins him.

A bear?

Yeah, a bear.

What kind of bear?

It was--
what do you call it?

A brown bear.

- Brown bear.
- Yeah.

Well, go on.

So the gorilla
and the bear sit in the booth.

About a half hour later,
this squirrel comes in

and joins them.

Well, they're there
for most of the night.

In about 10 minutes
before they close,

Noah comes in
and he orders a screwdriver

and sits at the bar...

♪ Drops by to say hello

♪ Would I still see
suspicion in your eyes ♪

♪ But here we go again

♪ Asking where I've been

♪ Please don't talk about me
when I'm gone ♪

♪ Oh, honey, though our
friendship ceases from now on ♪

♪ And listen, if you can't say
anything real nice ♪

♪ It's better not to talk
at all is my advice ♪

♪ We're parting

♪ You go your way,
I'll go mine ♪

♪ It's best that we do

♪ Here's a kiss

♪ I hope that this brings

♪ Lots of luck to you

♪ Makes no difference
how I carry on ♪

♪ Remember,
please don't talk about me ♪

♪ Please don't talk about me

♪ Please don't talk about me
when I'm gone ♪

♪ I really want to know

♪ What is wrong,
what's wrong with me ♪

♪ I try so hard
just to do right ♪

♪ With all my might

♪ Like I was

♪ Somebody's daddy

♪ Someone's tell me please

♪ What is wrong with me

♪ What is wrong with me

♪ Somebody tell me please