Original subtitles

O my love, my wife.

Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath,

hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered.

Beauty's ensign yet is crimson in thy lips

and in thy cheeks.

And death's pale flag is not advanced there.

Ah, dear Juliet.

Why art thou yet so fair?

Shall i believe that unsubstantial death is amorous

and that the lean abhorred monster

keeps thee here in dark to be his paramour?

For fear of that, I still will stay with thee

and never from this palace of dim night depart again.

Here, here will i remain

with worms that are thy chambermaids.

Oh, here will i set up my everlasting rest

and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars...

From this world-wearied flesh.

Isn't it wonderful? Shakespeare is so elevating.

Go back to sleep, Ella, but don't snore.

William, you're disgusting, even if you are my brother.

- Oh! - Arms take your last embrace.

And, lips...

- Thank you, Henry dear. -O you the doors of breath.

Seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain

to engrossing death.

Juliet's here, my pet, not up in that box.

You beautiful ham.

There they go again.

Come, bitter conduct.

Come, unsavory guide.

Thou desperate pilot.

Now at once run on the dashing rocks

thy seasick, weary bark.

Here's to my love.

O true apothecary. Thy drugs are quick.

With a kiss...

I die.

I wish there was cyanide in it.

Romeo! Alack, alack, what blood is this which stains,

the stony entrance, the sepulcher?

What mean these master-less and gory swords

to lie discolored by this place of peace?

Romeo! Oh, pale.

Who else?

What, Paris too? And steeped in blood?

Oh, what an unkind hour is guilty

of this lamentable chance.

The lady stirs.

O comfortable Friar.

Where is my lord?

- It's not over, yet. - I do remember well.

He's dead, it's over for me.

- Where are you going? - I don't know.

Meet me out in front of the theater.

Where are you going, Marcia?

Go, get thee hence.

For i will not away!

Take your hand away from my face.

They can't see me.

Can you get away from me? They can't see my face.

How sad.

How is it that two people in love

can be so mean to each other?

I better get the manager. This promises to be a rouser.

All right.

O churl,

drunk all, and leave no friendly drop to help me after.

I will kiss thy lips.

Onions again.

Happily some poison yet doth hang on them.

Worse than onion, it's garlic.

I'll attend to you later, you swine.

Lead, boy. Which way?

Yea, noise?

Then i'll be brief.

O happy dagger.

This is thy sheath.

There rust...

and let me die.

- Four tons of gentle jewelry! - Bully!

Bully, if you ever dare pinch me again, I'll--

- Children, children! - Well, speak to my leading man.

He began it, and what's more, I have

a horrible bruise to prove it!

Basil, Basil, take your bow. Listen!

Oh. Poor, deluded man.

He thinks that's for him.

- Oh you! - No, no, no, no, no!

Now you, Miss Arden, hurry.

Yes, before they forget you, dear.

If you could read my mind you'd shrivel where you stand.

Just what is the matter with me?

There's nothing the matter with you!

That's what's the matter with you.

There's nothing the matter with him,

that's what's the matter with him?

You're everything a girl should want and doesn't.

Oh, if i were only 20 years younger

and knew what i know now.

I shouldn't have to look back on my respectable life

as a misspent youth.

There's nothing the matter with him,

that's what's the matter with him?

Well, there's something the matter with one of us.

We were magnificent tonight, sir.

Thank you, Digges, you think the bard would've been pleased?

He'd rattle his shin bones in glee, sir.

The balcony scene, if I may say so, sir, superb!

But soft. What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East and Juliet is the sun.

- Ah, me. - She speaks, O speak again.

Bright angel, for thou art as glorious to this night.

- Being o'er my head-- - No, no, no, no, Digges.

No, for thou art as glorious to this night

being o'er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven.

I bow to the master, sir. Magnificent.

Our inflection, our timing, our tonal quality, sir--

Now, brandy and soda if you don't mind, Digges.

Oh, yes, I beg your pardon!

Yes, I'll trade you my old flute for one.

I could have sworn that was Carole Lombard,

and look what she wrote in my book.

"With fondest love, Cleopatra.”

- Who do you wanna see? - I want to see you.

And it's very confidential.

Could you tell me where

Mr. Underwood's dressing room is?

- Why? - Because...

- First door to your left. - Thank you.

Madeleine, I can't understand

why a man i'm so crazy about

takes such a fiendish delight in tormenting me.

Ah, men are undependable, miss.

- How do you know? - Just take a look at me.

Well, I don't suppose he really means it.

No.

In a minute, he'll be tapping on that wall

and begging my forgiveness.

And i'll make him suffer just a little bit.

- Then i'll forgive him. - That's right.

Everything will be all right again.

Hello! How is my dear little garlic blossom?

Basil, I can't stand it anymore.

I'm through, do you hear me? I'm through!

How modest of you to admit that, sweetheart.

No, I mean, with you. This is the end, finally and forever.

I'll never do another play with you as long as i live!

Come in.

If you change your mind, my love, the next part

I play i'll wear a gas mask.

Anything you can use to cover your face

will be a vast improvement.

Oh, well, that's only one woman's opinion.

Let me tell you...

Well, I guess that stopped him.

I...

-I had to come. - Who are you?

I'm-i'm nobody.

I suppose you know this is against my rules.

- You're my ideal. - Oh.

Uh, won't you sit down?

I suppose you want my autograph.

- No. - My photograph?

- No. - Well, what then?

Well, I just came to tell you that... that i love you.

You're conceited, overbearing, ugly, hateful!

Well, I know that means nothing to you but...

A loose-living billy goat!

But it will always mean a great deal to me that,

that when i felt this way, I had the courage to tell you.

I think that everyone should act the way they feel.

- Don't you? - Well, yes. Oh, I do.

Yes, yes.

Of course, a lot of people think i'm crazy.

- Do you? - No, no, no.

A little strange perhaps, but...

Any filly who goes by will have you prancing after her!

She's just rehearsing a new part.

Well, I'm not really crazy, I'm just honest.

That's why i came backstage tonight to see you.

I thought perhaps that someday

when you're old and forgotten.

What, me-me forgotten?

And when you feel that awful loneliness that comes

to those who've been adored and are now forgotten,

that then perhaps you'll remember tonight

and be grateful to me.

And now, and now i've got to go.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute!

You can't go like this without telling me who you are.

I'm all the women you play to.

Ophelia going mad with unrequited love.

Lady Macbeth murdering for you!

- Desdemona-- - I strangle her.

- Oh, I didn't mind much. - Didn't you?

After all, it was for love.

Tonight when Romeo died, I wept.

Has that tongue of yours finally fallen out of your mouth?

- Very good actress, isn't she? - Incredible.

Tell me something?

Did you weep for Romeo or was it for me?

I don't know.

Every time you've played,

I've been out front, worshiping you.

I felt you were there.

And i don't know what i've been worshiping.

Ah.

He doesn't answer now, Miss.

I know why, because he's too ashamed.

Poor boy.

I can just see him sitting in there by himself

and repenting, and too proud to come in here.

And he does love me, doesn't he, Madeleine?

Of course he does, dear.

And i love him too.

And it's New Years Eve and it's a shame

to spoil it with a row.

I think i'll swallow my pride and go in to him.

Isn't it strange, I always felt you were there

and yet i never saw you until tonight in that box.

And you'll never see me again. Goodbye!

No wait!

Thank you so much.

Who's the young lady, sir?

There was no young lady, Digges.

What, sir?

Merely a lovely wraith

who appeared from nowhere

and disappeared into nowhere.

And completely daffy.

What was that little twit doing in here just now?

That little twit is doing a school paper on Shakespeare.

She came here to do some purely academic research.

Yes, I'm sure you raised it for her very well, Professor!

Darling, have you ever heard of the green-eyed monster?

Are you egomaniac enough to think

that i could be jealous of you?

From head to foot, I'm one quivering mass of loathing.

I shall never speak to you again!

When you come crawling on my doorstep,

I shall be out, but definitely out.

If i'm ever introduced to you,

I shall forget my breeding long enough to spit in your eye.

Why, I won't even marry you. Now what do you think of that?

- Boo. - Oh, you..

When you leave the theater this evening,

that distasteful blot you will see

to the left of the stage door

will be all that's left of our ex-doorman.

Oh, where is Marcia?

Well, you're her father, you ought to know.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

There she is, I'll get her.

Marcia, where have you been? We've been waiting for you.

Oh, you wouldn't like to know, Henry.

Mooning over that ham actor, I bet.

I'm not saying anything, Henry.

Marcia, aren't you forgetting you're engaged to me?

Darling, you really should get yourself

introduced to me sometime.

- Huh? - As the years roll on

you'll discover that i'm the sort of person

who likes to act the way she feels.

Well, why don't you follow him around on his tours?

- That's not a bad idea. - Now, now, don't fight children.

At least until after you're happily married.

- What are they fighting about? - The mood you're in...

I don't think i'll come now to the house party.

Happy New Year, Henry.

No one ever pays any attention

to anything I say!

Drive on, Perkins!

We can't go without Henry.

Henry, climb in here!

- Happy New Year! - Henry, Henry!

What have i done that she should be so unreasonable?

- Nothing. - Well, practically nothing, sir.

That woman will never know how much i love her.

Juliet, this is your Romeo.

She doesn't love me anymore.

- I wonder why? - Oh.

Women are changeable creatures, Sir.

Yes.

So that's the way it is with me?

Ten minutes before what is jestingly known

as the Happy New Year.

Down in the street below a great carnival of people,

happy together.

And up here, one man miserably alone.

- I'm here, sir. - Oh, you're always here, Digges.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Do you know what this is, Digges?

No, sir, what?

Why, it's the last scene of "The Outcast".

Don't you remember, Digges?

I'm alone, starving in a garret,

and the Christmas carols come ringing

from the belfry of the church next door.

Oh, hardly that, sir.

It was Christmas in the garret

and you were a fugitive from justice, sir.

Oh, mere details. Essentially, it's the same.

What was that line?

- That marvelous line? - Oh, excuse me, sir.

- Yeah, I, uh... - What was it?

What ill-omen star--

Yes, that's it, what ill-omen star

shone the night of my conception?

What flaw was in the potter's clay

that foredoomed me to be different from other men?

Why was i born in a crowded world

to die alone and forgotten?

- Digges? - Yes, sir.

Why is it no one loves me?

- But i love you, sir. - Don't confuse the issue!

Am i really such a bad fellow as she thinks?

Oh, please, sir. Don't let's go into that now.

There's loyalty for you, and from you, Digges.

My faithful dresser, ever since i pulled you out

of that ridiculous bird act

with which you were trying to kill vaudeville.

Do you remember my oriole, sir?

Don't change the subject!

Though some people thought i was at my best as a canary, sir.

Digges.

Here, take this.

- Set down the score. - Yes, sir.

I'm going to show you that there aren't enough

hairs on my head to number

the good deeds i've done this past year.

- Don't you mean my head, sir? - Don't be facetious.

Now, first of all, I want 100 points

for that benefit performance i played.

- Right, you are. - And 100 points

for the critic i did not punch in the nose.

Yes, sir, we get minus

200 for Philadelphia, sir.

- Philadelphia? - Yes, the alderman's wife, sir.

Well, you can't count that, she didn't complain.

Yes, but the alderman did, sir.

All right, have it your own way.

Philadelphia minus 20.

Sorry, sir, Philadelphia minus 200.

What about all that money i sent

to my poor old uncle last year?

Canceled by our conduct in Denver, sir.

- Denver? - Remember the little darling...

With the red hair and the green eyes, sir?

Well, what could i do, Digges, what could i do?

Gentleman with the sour puss had a very

definite suggestion, sir.

Imagine escaping from Denver in a beard.

Yes, and Dallas and Houston and New Orleans, sir.

Our Southern swing. Mm-hmm.

All in all, I'm afraid we add up

as a bit of a bad odor, sir.

Yes, I'm afraid we do.

What a thing for a man to wake up and realize.

Basil Underwood, you're a skunk!

Oh, don't take it to heart, sir.

Don't defend me, Digges! After all, what am i?

Just the greatest actor in the world.

Yes, but there's hope, sir.

- Even for us. - What hope?

Well, it's the season for making resolutions

and turning over a new leaf, sir.

I'd have to turn over the whole public library.

Well, you could do it if you try, sir.

I could, couldn't i, Digges? And i will.

I'm gonna tell Ms. Joyce about it.

Good.

Joyce darling, please open the door.

I'm going to show you a new side of me.

I've seen every side of you

and i'm not interested in any of them!

- Did you hear that, Digges? - Yes, sir.

What's that?

Furniture, sir.

A barricade!

Well, for utter brutality, give me a woman!

Open this door, you wretch!

Open it!

Digges, pound on this door.

- What are you up to, sir? - Never mind, just pound.

Don't tap, pound!

I'm going to open this door if i have to pound all night!

Keep on pounding!

Keep right on knocking.

You'll see how much good it'll do you.

What a beast!

I'm sure he can't do this kind of thing to me!

Knock your knuckles raw!

You'll never get in here as long as i live!

Beast!

Good evening.

- How did you get in here? - Through the window.

You'll oblige me by leaving the same way.

And i hope you trip on the sill!

Look at that furniture!

I put it there to keep the animals out!

You can't break in here like a burglar

and start tossing my furniture around!

You didn't think i came in here just to see you.

Ridiculous ass!

I won't be kept out by force.

- Pompous bull! - Oh!

Aren't we wallowing in the barnyard?

That's a Louis XIV chair.

- Let Louis XIV have it! - I'll call the manager.

- I don't need any assistance. - I'll ring the police.

Oh, they'll know exactly what to do with you.

- I'll get the fire department! - Why not ring for the marines?

Oh, you beast, you swine, you cad!

Now will you relax?

All right, that'll be all, thanks, Digges.

Well, a pretty display, I must say.

If you ever throw anything at me again, I'll...

And i will too.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Joyce.

- Oh, Joyce. - What?

Sweetheart.

Darling.

- Dearest darling. - Sweetheart.

- I can't bear it, I forgive you. - And i forgive you too.

Do you really love me so much?

You're my heart and my soul.

You're all women in one and the one women.

I know that's from the first act of "The Lovers."

But darling, darling, say it again.

No, you say something nice to me.

Dearest I...I think you're the lowest thing that ever crawled.

But as long as i can reach out and get my hands on you

no other man will ever touch me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Your husband!

Sorry, force of habit.

Oh, it's Digges!

Happy New Year, Digges!

Thank you, and many of them for you both.

Thank you. My husband.

That's an idea, an inspiration, we'll do it!

- What? Best. - Get married. Tonight!

Oh, but marriage is such a serious step, darling.

No, no, we'll drive out to one of those cash and carry places.

I'm not a man who can dilly dally.

It's something a girl should think about and plan for.

Now, darling, you know perfectly well if we

ever think about it we'll never do it.

I don't suppose i could be any more

miserable married to you than the way i am.

Oh, you don't know me, I'm a changed man.

I'll tell you all about it later. You hear that, Digges?

We're going to be married.

- What, again, sir? - What do you mean, again?

We've never been married before, have we, sweet?

I mean planning again, sir.

At least a dozen times this past year.

I resent the implication, Digges,

as if we didn't know our own minds.

It's just that you've approached the precipice so often, sir.

I resent that precipice, Digges.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Arden, no offense intended.

It was purely a figure of speech.

Well, I forgive you, Digges, but next time,

don't think of me as a piece of landscape.

Well, you approve, Digges?

I think you deserve each other, sir.

Here is to our wedding.

- To our wedding. - To our wedding.

Someone at our door, Digges, see who it is.

Sir, do you think that wise, remember the last time--

No, no, probably some friend

come to share our New Year's cheer.

Or some girl to do some academic research.

It's a wonder you consent to marry a person

you think so nastily about.

Oh, darling, don't be offended.

You know, you can't help the kind of character you are.

I can and i will!

I'll tell you more about it on the way to the minister's.

It's a man, sir.

The day of miracles is not over.

Change your dress, dear.

- I'll soon get rid of him. - Oh, Basil.

Basil, are we really serious this time?

Nothing can stop us.

Clean up your room, dearest, it looks like the devil.

This is the gentlemen, sir.

Oh, I thought it was someone i knew.

- What can i do for you? - I'm Henry Grant.

Henry Gr... Oh, no, no, there must be some mistake.

I know Henry Grant very well. He's an older man.

I'm Henry Grant Jr.

Oh, you're young Henry!

Well, I'm glad to meet you, how are you?

- All right, I guess. - Henry's son.

Take your things off. Come on in. Sit down, and have a drink.

No, I won't sit down and i don't want a drink.

What's the matter with you, my boy?

You look like a second gravedigger.

You in a jam on the market?

I know exactly what that feels like.

I'd have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge in '29

if your father hadn't saved my neck.

I'll be glad to help you out, how much have you lost?

- About 104 pounds. - Oh, English money?

- No, my girl. - Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very funny, hear that, Digges?

Ha-ha. Very cleverly put, sir.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry to hear that, Henry.

How did that happen to a nice looking fellow like you?

Well, while i was out of town

she fell in love with... Well, with--

You mean to tell me that while your back

was turned, someone stole your girl?

Well, of all the scurvy tricks, who is the rat?

- You! - Me?

- Minus 200 points, sir. - I oughta punch you in the nose!

Now, now, now, now, Henry, don't do anything like that.

Because if you did i'd have to punch you in the nose

and it'd be a horrible mess, wouldn't it?

Besides, you'd be accusing an innocent man.

At least, I think you would.

Does she have red hair and live in Denver, sir?

No.

Is she a big blonde from New Orleans.

- Named Gertrude? - No.

Was she married to an alderman

in Philadelphia, sir?

Certainly not.

I wonder who he has in mind, Digges.

Her name is Marcia West.

Marcia West?

Do we know anyone named Marcia West, Digges?

Not unless you've been cheating on me, sir.

There you are, Henry, we don't even know your girl.

I didn't say you knew each other.

I said she was in love with you.

Well, that's not my fault, is it?

Of course, you know what this is, Digges.

No, sir, what is it?

Why, it's "The Loving Triangle" all over again.

Well, of course, sir, there it is.

What's the loving triangle?

It's a play.

Henry, in the first act i meet a girl.

I don't know who she is, I don't know where

she comes from, but like that we're in love.

It's Venice, I'll never forget that gondola scene.

What was that line, Digges?

Don't tell me. Um, tell me?

- Time was created-- - That's it.

Time was created to make this moment for us.

Kiss me! Gad, what a curtain!

Are you two gentlemen nuts?

Henry, in the second act, I'm at home.

I have a long scene with my friend.

Buddies, you know, won the war together.

You saved my life, all i ask is for a chance to repay you.

I didn't come up here to see you act!

He tells me about his wonderful sweetheart.

She walks in! You'll never guess who she is.

- Who? - The girl from Venice.

Ah!

David, fancy meeting you here.

Gad, what a moment.

I stare at her, I just stare at her.

There we are, Henry, the same situation.

What's all of this got to do with Marcia and me?

Wait! in the third act, I sacrifice myself.

It's friendship or love and i choose friendship.

I deliberately set out to disillusion this girl.

I'm a cad, gad how i mistreat her.

I insult her family, her friends, so what does she do?

She chooses second best, marries my friend,

and they're happy ever after.

And i'm left with a broken heart

and the universal acclaim of the critics.

And i've got the press notices to prove it, sir.

Interesting, eh, Henry? Take this, Digges.

Get my coat, we've got to be going.

- Yes, sir. - You know, it might work.

- What might? - What you've been telling me.

You're not proposing to make a practical

application of this story i just told you?

- Well, why not? - A million reasons why not.

I'm on tour, Henry. I've got to be in San Francisco on Monday.

But you've got the weekend, I can drive you down to

her place, and you can do what you did in The Loving Triangle.

My art's for the stage, I don't go running around

giving benefit performances.

I suppose if i were to offer to pay you.

Henry, don't you say things like that.

I'm beastly sorry, old boy, honestly i am.

I realize that men in my position

live by the flutters they raise in the hearts

of silly little girls who fall in love

with the parts we play, and we lap up the adulation.

We don't stop to think that we might be making a mess

of some perfectly happy lives.

Well, you're making a mess of mine, all right,

and you better do something about it right now!

Henry, I'd give my right arm to help you,

but tonight i've got an engagement that's too important.

An engagement? When the market crash caught you, did my father

say to you, "Basil, old man, I'd give my right arm to help you.

- But i've got an engagement"? - No, he didn't.

Well, why can't you put your date off?

Well, I-I-I, I have put it off in the past, didn't i?

- Don't do it, sir. - No?

No, Henry, I can't and that's final!

Haven't you one spark of unselfishness in you?

- What was that? - Don't you ever do a thing...

Because it's the decent thing to do?

Decent thing to do.

I'm beginning to see something.

Don't you ever do a thing that's generous,

if only to keep your self-respect?

I could go down tonight and be back first thing in the morning.

There are 200 points waiting for you, sir, if you don't.

- Pack the bags, Digges. - Oh, sir, I beg of you.

Don't argue with me, just pack.

This is where i turn over that new leaf.

Oh, I knew we should never have started that game, sir.

I'll never be able to forget you for this.

Oh, don't be an egotist, Henry.

I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for myself.

You only come second.

Of course you wouldn't understand that.

If you're doing it for yourself, perhaps you

wouldn't mind not telling her anything about this?

You see, as far as she's concerned, we haven't even met.

Otherwise she'd be suspicious.

Henry, don't give it another thought.

You're a saved man.

From now on i doff the mantle of Romeo

and assume the role of a cad.

You don't know how much i appreciate this.

I'll wait downstairs in the lobby for you.

- And drive you over. - Right.

Oh, sir.

I have the gravest misgivings about all this, sir.

Nonsense, Digges, it's a golden opportunity.

It'll be my moral salvation.

I want 500 points for this, Digges.

Oh, when i think of poor Ms. Joyce in there

unsuspectingly getting ready, Sir.

Why, she'll love me for it.

I hope you can make her see it in that light, sir.

Now what chance of happiness have we got

if she goes through life thinking me a man

without principle or character?

Couldn't you marry her first, sir,

and demonstrate your reformation afterwards?

No, Digges, I'm determined to come to her a cleansed man.

I will not have the woman i love

married to what you somewhat indelicately

referred to as a bad odor.

Basil, darling, I'm ready!

Are we going to tell her, sir?

Well, the arrangement might be a little difficult

to understand from the feminine point of view.

Exactly, sir.

Yes, I think in that case

i will spring it as a happy surprise.

- Hear, hear, sir. - Yes.

Yes, I hope so, sir.

There you are, dear!

Here i am, darling.

Yes, so you are, sweetheart.

Oh, the funniest thing, Basil.

I actually believe that i'm trembling with excitement.

That's so nice isn't it?

- Joyce. - Will you, darling?

- Yes, I will. - Thank you.

It's the silliest thing, I feel just like a schoolgirl!

Yes.

- Joyce? - Yes, dear?

Now, I, we put this thing off

several times in the past.

Yes, we were silly, darling.

Yes, but it didn't make any difference, did it?

I mean, we went right on loving each other.

Dearest, you trying to stand me up again?

No, certainly not, dear, no, no.

No, but of course, tomorrow is just as good a day, isn't it?

Basil, are you standing me up again?

Now, now, don't get excited. You know what it does to you.

You thing! You are not...

Now, Joyce, remember your glands!

If i hadn't been hypnotized,

I'd have known you'd do this to me again!

You see, I-I've gotta go and do a favor for a friend.

Of course, I'm really doing it...

Well, you've got to help a friend, haven't you?

Well, so long.

Was it the same friend that you spent the night with in Chicago?

Darling, we'll be married tomorrow, I swear it!

No, no, no, not to me you won't.

Not tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow!

And when you learn what I've done

you'll love me all the more!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Did we fix it, sir?

Heh. Like that, Digges!

Yes, we certainly did fix it, sir.

Well, here we are.

I hope to heaven this thing works, Basil.

I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't.

Don't you worry, my boy.

She's as good as in your arms right now.

Oh, thanks, goodbye.

- Bye. - Good luck.

Well, Digges, the stage is set.

- Do you know what to do? - I think so, sir.

- But i don't like the idea. - Never mind what you like.

We're going to descend on her like a pestilence

in the night. Play up to me, Digges.

Do you mean, I have to be a pestilence too, sir?

You're the perfect type for the part, come on.

Nobody seems to be stirring, sir.

Then we'll stir 'em.

Come on, open up!

She'll probably throw us right out on our ears.

We'll be back with Joyce in an hour.

Oh, I hope so, sir.

Oh, look, sir.

Say, what's that strange apparition

that's coming towards us, Digges?

Well, evidently something has heard us, sir.

Come on, open up!

- Who are you? - Opportunity, I want in!

I'm very sorry, Mr. Tunity, but everyone's in bed.

What? No one up to welcome me?

- Did you hear that, Digges? - Frightful, sir.

You know who i am, my poor friend?

- I understood you to say-- - This is Mr. Basil Underwood!

- Aren't we, sir? - Please, please.

Please, everyone is asleep.

You one of the weekend guests, sir?

I am the weekend guest.

People don't go to bed when Basil Underwood is coming.

Come on, Digges.

- Get 'em up, get them up! - But i dare not do that, sir.

If you won't, I will!

Give me light, give me light!

You expect Basil Underwood to make an entrance in the dark?

I thank you.

- Flowers without odor. - Huh.

Wretched hovel, eh, Digges?

Quite right, sir. Yes, sir.

Wretched as you say.

It reminds me, sir, very much of Grand Central Station.

It is the Grand Central Station!

All aboard!

Train leaving Track 6 for Woggleoop,

Blubalub, Dillamuch.

Umpville and Point West!

- On Track Six! - And also, sir!

- Basil Underwood is here! - Right you are!

- Get up, get up! - Basil Underwood is here!

Basil Underwood is here!

Get up, get up!

Basil Underwood is here!

- How am i doing, Digges? - Oh, fair to middling, sir.

Get up everybody, Basil Underwood is here!

Get up, get up!

Gentlemen, I insist!

Not so loud, you'll wake everybody up!

You look like a sensible man, sir.

Mr. West will be very, very angry.

And what do you think i am?

- My ire is consuming me! - You're what, sir?

My ire.

Ire!

- Ire, ire, ire, ire! - It's a fire!

- Ire! - Ire!

Ire, Mr. Basil Underwood is here!

His ire is consuming him!

Get up!

Gentlemen, is there nothing i can do to stop you!

- We're here! - I know you're here!

But why?

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because ♪

♪ We're here because we're here ♪

♪ We're here because we're here because ♪♪

Angels and ministers of grace defend us!

Basil Underwood!

Please, please, don't go, please...

- Digges! - Yes, sir?

- Digges, did you see that girl? - Yes, sir.

Don't you remember her?

- No, sir. - Of course you do.

She's the girl who came to see me tonight

in my dressing room.

The lovely wraith who appeared

from nowhere, and she's here,

here in this very house!

Oh, that girl. Remember your resolution, sir.

Why, that couldn't be Henry's girl.

Fire!

Can you smell anything burning, sir?

This isn't a fire at all.

- It's Basil Underwood. - Who, Basil who?

Well, I'll be. Of all the, it's that actor.

Say something to him, William.

Go on, go on, we don't want you here!

Roger, James, Chester, somebody, do something!

Move, scat, get out!

- Did you hear that, Digges? - Distinctly, sir.

- I'll get the bags. - Just a moment.

Would you mind repeating that?

With pleasure. Get out of this house!

- Are you an actor, sir? - Who me?

Because if you're not, it's a great loss to the stage.

Never in all my years in the theater

have i heard a line given with such feeling.

You almost convinced me that you meant it.

Well, well, I...

- I did mean it! - He did mean it!

He did mean it!

Well, what do you mean by inviting me here

for the weekend and then going to bed?

I invited you before going to bed?

- You're crazy! - Well, someone invited me.

Someone invited him, isn't it lovely?

Who did it? Did you, did you, did you?

No. You invited yourself!

Now, I remember. It was a Miss Marcia West.

Ma... Marcia?

- Marcia! - Coming, daddy!

I think this is our exit march, sir.

Come here.

- Did you invite this man here? - Why i...

Uh...

Why, yes, daddy, I did.

I'm so glad you could come,

of course you are a little late but i suppose you did

have a little difficulty in getting out of the theater.

Marcia, I want you to get this man out of here.

- He's a lunatic. - Oh, go away, daddy, please.

- Well, I tell you, I-- - Father.

Oh, I'll go away.

Come on, we'll all go back to bed.

Don't mind father, he doesn't understand!

No, he wouldn't, would he? Ha ha.

- How did you find me? - Well, you see, I--

Well, it doesn't matter, as long as you did!

Oh, thank you, thank you,

thank you for coming!

You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

Oh, follow me, and i'll show you to your room.

This way out, sir.

Don't worry, Digges...tomorrow.

Oh, this'll be the test of a man, sir.

Do you think this will suffice, sir?

Yes, I suppose it's theatrical enough.

I only hope they don't ask for balloons.

Actors coming here!

Do you realize, William, that if Mr. West had

had to work for the money that he is spending

this could never have happened?

It's clearly a case of money being left to the--

Shh, sir! It's time for breakfast, sir.

So it is. Come along, be prepared for anything.

Yes, that's right, two o'clock!

Yes, he's really here, really here.

Goodbye!

Hello, darling, what are you doing?

Oh, just calling up a few more people

for the lawn party this afternoon.

More, why that's downright silly.

Well, it may be silly to you, but we have

Basil Underwood here as an honored guest.

- What? That actor here? - Yes, didn't you know...

Well, of course you've just arrived, but i invited him.

- Oh, you did, did you? - Yes, I did.

Well, of all the...

Oh, what's the use of arguing?

Let's go and have breakfast.

Every night i sleep with you under my pillow.

Only your picture, alas.

I love you, love you, love you.

- Good morning, Grace. - Good morning!

Gee, mommy, is this a bug house?

My dear. Remember, my dear, you're a little lady.

We don't say everything we think. Why?

Oh, 'cause there's a couple of crazy men the next room to me.

- How do you know? - Well...

I peeked through the keyhole, I always do.

- It's very educational. - My dear!

You know i've told you never to do a thing like that.

...What did you see?

There was one man dressed and another in his shorts,

and he, the dressed man, I mean, was talking awful to the other--

Not another word!

I'll see you in your room after breakfast.

I'm afraid i'll have to wash my

little girl's mouth out with soap!

I'll put the soap in the keyhole.

"I love you passionately!

And if you will send $500, I will love you even more!"

- Who's that from? - This one's from a lady, sir.

They always are.

A much misunderstood lady, sir.

Yes, they always are.

- Oh, here's one-- - No, no, no, no.

No more, thank you, Digges.

Answer everything in my best vein.

Very good, sir.

Now i suppose we must be on with the farce.

You know your first scene, Digges?

- Letter perfect, sir. - Good.

You know, it's too bad it had to be she.

She's a nice girl, Digges.

It's not too late to change our minds, sir.

Oh, yes it is.

Anything you say, sir.

A strange situation.

In order to make myself a better man

I've got to behave like a blackguard.

Yes, I'll work that one out, sir,

on my way down to the breakfast room.

My master's compliments, sir.

And what is there for breakfast?

- Well, really, I... - Kipper?

Who's a kipper, did you hear what he called me?

Don't be silly, daddy. A kipper is a kind of fish.

Well, do you think that makes it any better?

So i'm a fish, am i?

My master, sir, desired me to inform you

that he feels like a kipper.

Oh, so, he feels like a fish, eh?

- Yes. - Well, that's better.

I should think he would feel

like a fish the way he lets you talk to him!

Wouldn't eggs do?

We get them from very aristocratic hens?

Aunt Ella, when Basil Underwood feels

like a kipper he probably doesn't feel like an egg,

even an aristocratic one.

I suppose eggs will have to suffice.

Eggs then and a bottle of scotch.

- For breakfast? - And one for lunch.

No kippers, ha!

And one thing more, Mr. Underwood

gives no autographs on Sundays.

Well, did you ever hear anything like that?

Hey, you listen here. I never heard such disgraceful conduct!

Good work, old man. You oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Thanks, old boy.

- Now i told him a thing or two! - That's right.

Good morning, Mr. Underwood.

I think you're wonderful.

Ahem! Mr. Underwood, sir!

Yes, Digges, what is it?

No kippers!

- What? - No kippers, sir.

- What, no kippers? - No, sir!

Disgraceful!

Am i to understand that we are kipperless?

- We have eggs. - We have kippers!

- Good morning! - Good morning.

- How did you sleep? - Not at all, someone snored.

- Oh, who? - I don't know, maybe it was i.

Well, your kippers are being boiled

or whatever you do with them, and while you're waiting

won't you meet these nice people?

We were so excited last night

that i forgot to introduce you.

This is my fi...

A friend of mine, Henry Grant.

Basil Underwood.

How do you do?

How are you?

Oh. Uh...

This is Aunt Ella Paisley.

Oh, Mr. Underwood.

- That hand, that hand! - What's the matter with it?

Look at that heart line, that mount of Venus.

You'll be married at once.

Heaven help the poor woman,

the lucky thing.

Well, Aunt Ella, Mr. Underwood hasn't time for this now!

- This is Mrs. Hinkle. - Oh, Mr. Underwood.

We are fellow spirits.

I once met Sir Henry Irving, a great actor!

- Well, that's your opinion. - Oh, do come here, please!

I want you to meet Mrs. Kane!

My friends call me Sugar.

- How sweet of them. - And Miss Kane.

I know you, you wear blue polka dot shorts!

Are there no reformatories in California?

And this is Mr. Babson of the Babson Can Company.

- Glad to meet you, Base. - Just call me Kid.

And this is Mrs. Babson.

I recognize the grip.

And Mr. Hinkle of Amalgamated Utilities

and Mr. Kane of Kane Chemicals.

Assorted guests from Dunn and Brad Street.

Where's my kipper? Oh, there you are!

I've been thinking over what you said

about my being an actor.

You call this kipper?

Here, taste it.

What's this? Who brought it?

It is burnt and so is all the meat!

What dogs are these, where is the rascal cook?

How durst you, villains?

Bring it from the dresser and serve it

thus to me who love it not?

There, take it to you!

Trenchers, cups and all!

- Hey, look here! - Father, he's Petruchio!

- Taming of the Shrew! - I tell thee, Kate.

- My name is Ella. - It was burnt and right away!

And i expressly am forbid to touch it.

For it engenders choler, planteth anger!

And better it were that both of us did fast,

since of ourselves, ourselves are choleric

then feeded with such over-roasted flesh!

Ah!

I guess he didn't like it.

Well, of all things i ever witnessed.

Why, the man's a barbarian!

- Well, I think-- - I'm shocked to the core!

- Well, Digges? - A magnificent performance, sir.

And one that's going to get us right back to Ms. Joyce.

Positively the most disgraceful manners!

I'm sorry for what happened, sweet, but what can you expect?

You make me sick! You with your stiff spines!

What right have you to criticize him?

Is there any law that says a man should eat what he doesn't like?

What are manners, little rules for little people.

He's too big for manners, genius is above trifles!

I'll go to him and apologize for all of us.

Marcia, wait!

Basil, Basil!

Oh, I'm terribly embarrassed at the behavior of our guests.

Quite all right, my dear, we troopers

get used to all sorts of things.

Are you fond of horses?

In my youth i had a positive

passion for merry-go-rounds.

I ride every Sunday morning

and i'd love to have you come with me.

- Would you? - Yes.

No!

- What's that? - What?

That little thing on your cheek!

Oh, that's a beauty mark.

Nothing of the sort, it's a mole!

- Digges! - A mole indubitably, sir.

Why, here's another one!

Certainly there is.

If she has two, she must have a third.

- Well, I have! Why it's... - Where?

None of your business.

What are my daughter's moles to you, Mr. Underwood?

Oh, leave him alone, daddy. Please go away!

Nobody ever lets me in on anything.

I cannot abide a woman with moles!

Get thee to a nunnery, go!

Ah, Hamlet Act III, Scene 1.

Oh, how can you?

The others are right, you're a beast!

I hate you, I hate you.

And that's Marcia last act, last scene!

Oh, what an actor we are, sir.

Henry, I've got to thank you

for a most pleasant engagement.

A short run, but a smash hit.

I'll never be able to thank you enough.

No, no, it's i who should thank you, my dear boy.

For giving me a chance to restore my self-respect.

Oh, don't mention it.

- Ah, now, sir. - Pack the bags, Digges.

For this relief, much thanks.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 1.

My sweet.

Now, you know that actor as he really is,

and i hope you're properly disillusioned.

Well, he's right, Henry.

- What's that? - He's so right.

These moles are terrible. I never realized it before.

Don't you believe it, they're very attractive and i love 'em!

But you're no judge of beauty, Henry. He's an expert.

And i, well, I'm going to have them removed.

What, you mean cut off!

Well, I don't know about the other one,

but these two have got to come off.

Just because of what that fool says?

He's not a fool, I was a fool

for behaving like a child!

He's honest and i admire him for it!

Admire him, now you listen to me.

If you love me, you'll leave those moles where they are.

They're part of the girl i'm engaged to.

Well, I'm sorry, Henry, but you're not engaged

to my moles and they're coming off!

Come on, Digges.

Ms. Joyce will be proud of us, won't she?

I fervently hope so, sir.

We'll just be in time for a noon wedding.

Oh, there's nothing like a noon wedding.

Oh, Mr. Actor Man!

I know something you don't know!

I know something you don't know!

She knows something we don't know, Digges.

It couldn't be very important, sir.

Otherwise, we'd know it.

Where are you going?

To a desert island where there

are no dear little children.

Well, you better go somewhere.

- You know what she's gonna do? - Who?

Marcia. She's gonna cut off her moles.

- She's what? - Yeah, two of them anyway.

She hasn't made up her mind about the third.

Gee, she's crazier about you than ever,

and is Henry Grant mad, ooh!

Come on, sir, remember our noon wedding.

I say, Digges, you don't suppose i've aroused her

"Slap me again, I love it" complex?

I don't know what you've aroused,

but you've sure aroused it!

Hey, Underwood, Underwood, wait a minute!

- I've gotta talk to you. - Sorry, old boy, I've left!

Oh, a quitter, huh?

Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but names can never hurt us, sir.

He's right, Digges.

Well, Henry, what do you want to tell me?

Well, I... Oh no, not here.

No. Upstairs, Digges.

And keep your hand over the keyhole.

If you do, I'll stick a pin in it!

Wear a glove, Digges.

If i weren't a gentleman's gentleman,

I could be such a cad's cad!

- Oh, uh, you! - Yes, miss?

Where is the Babsons' room?

It's the second keyhole to the left, miss.

I know, Henry, I know.

I made a slight error in tactics, I made a mistake.

Yes, but only a small one, sir.

Let's go before it gets any larger.

- Silence! - What are we going to do?

Now don't be discouraged, Henry.

My repertoire isn't nearly exhausted yet.

I'm about to think of something even more drastic.

Well, think of something that doesn't

work backwards this time.

But it's noon, sir, and you said--

- Unpack the bags, Digges. - Oh, but, sir.

You want me to walk out of this house an unpurged man?

I'll gladly give you 300 points just for making the try, sir.

No, I refuse to cheat, unpack those bags.

Henry, have faith in me, remember i'm doing this

for your happiness and my salvation.

Well, I hope you're sincere that's all.

Well, that a nice thing to say to me!

Gad, how that sweet child loves me.

And how Ms. Joyce loves us, sir.

And i love her.

- Or do i? - Oh, yes, sir!

I wonder.

Marcia's so young, so innocent.

She fills me with a high-minded itch

to become what she supposes i am.

Wouldn't it be more correct, sir, just to say

that she fills you with an itch?

- Digges. - I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, sir.

I wonder if i'm reforming for the wrong woman?

Hello?

Pasadena? Pasadena.

Hello, Pasadena, who's calling?

Oh, Ms. Joyce, I'm terribly worried.

Well, I've got little green men

jumping around in my head from lobule to lobule,

and you say that you're worried.

Oh, Ms. Joyce, if you love your man

you'll come over here and fetch him home.

Yes, I realize that and i don't blame you.

But Mr. Basil deeply regrets the incidents of last night.

And, oh, Ms. Joyce, you've got to help him.

He's in a terrible jam!

I hope he's wallowing in lovely,

gooey jam up to his donkey ears.

I hope he's in a whole preserves closet.

Did he say that?

Digges, are you sure he really loves me?

Oh, did he say that?

Digges, what other nice things did he say?

Really?

Well, what kind of trouble is the dear boy in?

Well, why can't you talk, are you in jail again?

Oh, house phone.

Well, what does he want me to do?

Well now, now let me think.

Uh, do you remember the routine we used in Detroit?

Yes, well, I suggest that would come in useful right now!

Oh, what's all the mystery about?

You know, I found out something i think you oughta know.

- Oh what? - Well, I'm not sure yet...

Mind you, but i think Marcia is beginning

to fall in love with that actor.

Mr. West, you have a great mind.

Where have you been all this time?

Why, she's practically published it in the newspapers.

She's even invited all the neighbors

around to flaunt it in front of them.

You mean everybody knows and i'm just...

No one ever bothers to tell me

what's happening under my own nose.

Excuse me, Marcia, I'd like to talk to Mr. Underwood.

Oh, very well.

I'll meet you over there by that bed of flowers.

Now look here, Underwood, there's something being born

in my mind, and i think it's gonna turn out to be suspicion.

Now, Henry, don't misunderstand me.

I too have been puzzled about this girl of ours.

- Ours? - Well, yours.

She's a realist, Henry, she's not gonna be

taken in by any actor's tricks.

I've decided the best thing to do is to get right down

to earth with her and talk to her like a father.

What kind of father?

A desperate father if you must know, Henry.

- What are you gonna talk about? - You!

I'm going to sell you to her as no man was ever sold.

- Down the river? - Oh, Henry.

John Olden, that's what this is.

Well, if it's John Double-cross, I'll punch you

right in the nose!

- Basil! - Coming, coming!

Think well of me, Henry.

This means a lot to me too.

Oh, Mr. Underwood, sir!

Pardon my presumption, sir, but do you think

you can trust yourself alone with her?

- I'm gonna talk to her. - I know, sir.

- I overheard like a father, sir. - Yes.

Yes, but so many times you start talking like a father, sir,

and end up by talking like something else.

If only you'd wait, sir, this paternal

chat might not be necessary.

- Why not? - I don't know, sir.

Something might happen, sir.

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, you never can tell, sir, something might turn up.

I thought this thing out. This is the only thing to do.

- Well, let me go with you, sir. - It's not a family conference.

Well, I can keep an eye on you, sir.

All right, Digges, if you're really fretting

- Just follow me. - Thank you, sir.

Stay out of sight, but keep your eye on me.

If only we could think of some signal now.

Ooh, what about one of my birds, sir?

Excellent, if you see me get

that much out of line, whistle.

Right, sir, how about my wood lark,

or would you prefer my bobolink?

I bow to the master, Digges.

Thank you, sir. You set my mind at ease, sir.

Yes, well you're worrying about nothing.

- Aren't they lovely? - Lovely.

The color of your cheeks.

Then i'll have to use them in my wedding bouquet.

And you'll live happily ever after.

Do you want me to marry Henry?

Of course, I do, good old Henry--

Well, I don't want to.

Well, Henry's a very fine boy, in his way.

Yes, but his way is so stodgy and dull.

Ah, but my dear, when you're a little older

you'll be very grateful for somebody solid

that you can rely on.

But i'm young now and i want a bit of gaiety.

- I want to live a little. - Fool!

- What did you say? - I said fool.

I thought i heard some fool of a bird whistle.

Oh, well that's not surprising. Come with me.

Oh.

No wonder you heard a bird.

Yes, no wonder, and i thought--

I love birds, I collect them.

You do, eh? That's a nice hobby.

I often wonder what the birds think about it.

I think i like the lovebirds best.

- Oh, you do, eh? - But then...

I love anything romantic, don't you?

Oh, yes, all actors are romantics, you know.

If they weren't, I don't suppose they could be actors.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, come here, sit down, I want to talk to you.

Yes, do tell me all about yourself.

Now, look here, Marcia.

Oh, there really isn't very much to tell.

I'm an actor, I put on grease paint.

I play a part, I take the grease paint off, I go home,

and that's all. Now, I want to tell you something.

Oh, it must be wonderful to be adored as you are.

Oh, romance, which dies when the theater lights go out.

- Now, you listen to me-- - You're a lonely person.

I can see that now.

Why, how observant you are.

Yes, I am lonely.

Deep in my heart, utterly, utterly lonely.

It makes we want to cry.

You're very sweet, Marcia.

You need someone to love you.

Someone to take care of you, take me with you!

Why, Marcia, I don't think I can do that.

Last night in your dressing room i told you i didn't know

who I had been worshiping. You or the parts your play.

Well, now i know, it isn't Romeo, it's you.

Marcia, are you sure or is it just some schoolgirl

infatuation, which you'll forget in two days?

Oh, hold my hands, Basil, feel them trembling.

Feel my heart, is that puppy love as you say?

Well, it may be--

And two days, or two lives can't change it.

Oh, my dear.

No, it's impossible, you're only a child.

- But i'm 20. No, it isn't! - It's just a chemical reaction.

Yeah, you're thingummies are all upset.

I love you!

You don't know me as i really am.

Don't you see, I'm the only one who really does.

- You love me! - No, no, I don't.

At least... I don't!

I'm not capable of loving any woman

for more than a year, a month, a week.

But what a week, what a month, what a year!

Oh, what a mess.

What'd you say, Digges?

Oh, Basil, why is true love so wonderful?

This is no time to ask riddles.

Don't be shy, dear.

Mercy, no. No, no, go right ahead.

Well, Joyce, what a delightful surprise.

Really, I'm not surprised in the least.

- Lovely day, isn't it? - Enchanting.

The air's so clear, one sees such things.

Yes, yes. Nice spot this, don't you think?

Oh, yes, sweet place for a murder.

- Yes. - Why, you're Joyce Arden.

Yes, yes, and you're the young lady that was

in Mr. Underwood's dressing room last night.

- Isn't she, Basil? - Why certainly...

- Yes, I believe she is, yes. - Yes.

How's your research coming on, dear?

What right has she to talk to me like this?

Oh, practically none. Wives have so few rights these days.

- What? - Your wife!

Why, yes, my wife, wonderful.

You're married?

Why, yes, I think i, yes, I'm married, yes.

Miss West, this is my wife, my dear little faithful wife.

- How do you do, Miss West? - Oh.

Hasn't he told you? Oh, but then the naughty boy

never does, you poor sweet child.

Don't you touch me!

Joyce, this is wonderful.

You always rescue me in the nick of time.

And what an idea, my wife!

How did you think of it?

Now, now, now, Joyce, now, I know what you want.

You want an explanation and you shall have it.

You see, dear, last night Henry came to see me,

Henry Grant. He's a man.

Remember when a man came to see me last night?

Well, that was Henry, you see, his father and i

were great pals, devoted to one another.

Come and sit down, sweetie, come on.

Now, you see, Henry's engaged to a girl,

absolutely mad about her, but for some reason or other

the silly little thing's fallen in love with me.

Well, you know how those things go. Come here, darling.

Come here, sit down, you see, he begged me to come

down here and disillusion her. No decent man could refuse.

And when i got here, what did i find?

She was the same girl who was

in my dressing room last night.

Isn't that funny? Ha ha. Wait a minute, dear!

Well, you see, so that's what i've been doing.

I've been making her fall out of love with me!

- So there you are. - I think i'm going to scream.

Now, now, now, be careful, there are guests here, dear.

I'm sure i'm going to scream.

Honey, please, behave yourself, remember, your acids.

- You leave my acids out of this! - Oh, darling, look here, listen.

I've been doing this for several reasons.

For a friend, for you, to make myself...

Oh, well you wouldn't understand anyway.

I'm going, goodbye!

You are the cause of all this.

Shut up!

Digges, my taxi's gone, where is it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Joyce, let me explain.

- I said where's my taxi? - Oh, I paid him off.

- Miss, I want you to stay. - Well, I'll order another one.

- Joyce, please listen to me. - No.

- What am i going to do, Digges? - Oh, follow her, sir.

Never let her out of your sight.

If i were the woodpecker, I'd...

Shut up!

Basil, wait a minute!

- I forgive you. - You what?

I forgive you, you couldn't help it

if you met her before you met me.

Well, have you no shame?

Not since you showed me you loved me!

I don't love you, it was purely platonic.

Not that kiss, that wasn't platonic, you can't fool me!

Listen, I hate to bring this up, but i am married you know.

Oh, you're just being chivalrous about

your wife and i admire you for it.

Well, you'll have to let me go now. We'll discuss this later.

Here, have you seen a madwoman around here somewhere?

- Which one, sir? - Well, I mean the lady who--

If you mean, Mrs. Underwood, sir, she's in your room.

- Oh, thank you, sir. - Basil?

Are you trying to run away from me by any chance?

Oh, my dear little girl, I...

You can't kiss me like that

and have it mean nothing!

Joyce, you open this door!

You locked the door on me last night.

A ridiculous thing like this can't go on forever.

I agree with you.

I'm leaving just as soon as i can get a taxi.

Joyce, I'm a desperate man, if you don't open

this door, I'll kill myself!

Good, let's have blood and destruction!

Open this door, I'll do it this minute!

Wait, wait, you should send

for your press agent, and the photographers!

You know we can't let a thing like this happen in secret.

This is your last chance!

Are you gonna open this door?

- No. - All right.

Then i'm reaching for my gun.

Wait, wait, let me see, I think

the trigger is near the back end.

Very well, but remember this, woman,

I died with your name on my lips.

Goodbye, Joyce, goodbye!

Oh, Basil.

- Basil, darling! - Now, listen, baby.

- Now, this isn't really-- - You cad!

You can't even be on the level about killing yourself!

Joyce, darling, you must believe me. I did this for you.

I'll spare you wading through that again. I played in it too.

-"The Loving Triangle". - Yes, that's what it is!

You even get your alibis out of plays these days!

Joyce, dear, Joyce, Digges!

Yes, sir, shall i pack or unpack?

Neither, go and get Mr. Grant

and bring him back here at once!

Now, you're going to grovel in apology!

And your...

Yes, but who insulted who?

Oh, Basil Underwood, he's a perfectly horrible creature.

- He isn't either? - Who isn't?

- Basil Underwood, he is too. - Oh, I give up.

- Marcia, I want to talk. - I want to speak to you.

I'll bet you deliberately sent for his wife to come here.

- I did not. - Whose wife?

- Basil's wife. - Oh, is he married?

Well, he couldn't very well have a wife if he weren't.

Mr. Henry, Mr. Underwood

urgently wishes to see you at once, sir.

Oh. Oh, all right.

Well, why should he want to see Henry?

Oh, please, don't bother me, father.

I'm upset enough already!

I'm going to prove to you that you're

doing me a grave injustice!

Oh, Henry, come in here.

There's a little matter i want you to settle.

My wife, bless her heart,

is a nasty, suspicious female.

- Joyce, this is Mr. Grant. - How do you do?

Now, Henry, is it not a fact that last night you came

to see me and arranged for me to come down here

and disillusion your fiancé, Ms. West,

from her attachment to me, and you prepare to blush.

- Isn't that so, Henry? - No!

- What? You mean yes. - A ha!

There isn't a word of truth in it, Mrs. Underwood.

- That's all i wanted to know. - This man's a liar.

You mean he refused to be one.

Darling, there's another reason.

I was ashamed to tell you in the garden,

but i really did this for you.

- In the garden? That was for me? - Yes.

Well, that was just a temporary relapse

but i came down here

to make myself a better man for you.

That's too funny, ha, ha, ha!

First it was for Henry, now it's for me. Who next, Basil?

Darling, I'm pleading with you, I love you, sweet.

- You've got to help me now. - Yes.

Basil?

- Basil, I'll help you. - You will!

Yes, yes.

Yes, this is one of the times when i'd adore to help you.

Wonderful.

I don't like the way she's laughing.

Well, a fine worm you turned out to be!

Well, what did you expect me to say

after we agreed to keep it a secret?

That's the way you repay a friendship?

Well, I don't want it to get it about

that i need help to keep my girl.

- Pack the bags, Digges. - Are you sure, Sir?

- Immediately! - What are you going to do?

We are now going home, Digges, and we'll postpone

our reforming to some future time.

At least it'll make Joyce realize

that this problem child means nothing to me.

But you can't go now. She's more in love with you than ever.

- That's your funeral. - You don't know her like i do.

She's liable to kick over the traces and follow you.

Pack the... Oh, you're doing it, that's fine.

Goodbye!

I'm terribly sorry for the heartache i've caused you

but it was something beyond the control

of either Basil or myself.

We were helpless to fight against it.

Yes, yes, I understand.

Love swept you along like leaves in the wind.

Yes. Oh, I'm so glad you understand!

Are you so desperately in love with him, my dear?

I think he's wonderful.

He's so, he's so different from other men.

He's so, well, I don't think there are words

to describe him, do you?

Well, there probably are but one would have

to have a very extensive vocabulary.

- Oh, get me a taxi, will you? - Yes, sir.

This must be very painful for you.

You must love him too.

Well, my feeling for him is indescribable.

But stronger than my love for him is my desire,

to see that the dear boy gets what he wants.

Yes.

What are you two talking about?

Oh, Basil, you married

the most marvelous woman.

She has such understanding.

I can hardly wait to tell everybody about it.

Tell 'em what?

What were you talking about?

- You. - What about me?

You and love.

Why are you grinning like a Berkshire kitten?

- Cheshire, darling. - Well, Cheshire then.

- I do resent being called a cat. - I called you a kitten.

- Well, kittens turn into cats. - Well, never mind about that.

Well, why are you grinning so maliciously?

Because i'm so happy for you.

She's such a dear sweet girl and she worships you.

Oh, you're going to be ecstatically happy.

What do you mean?

You're going to vibrate with laughter when i tell you.

Yes, well tell me, let me start vibrating.

Well, it's merely that i...

- I agreed to divorce you. - You what?

Agreed to divorce you, and we aren't even married.

You see, I said i'd help you.

Joyce, dear, please, listen, I'm eating humble pie.

I'd love to see you eat humble please.

Oh, please don't go on with it, Joyce.

Listen, my pet, and listen carefully,

for these are probably the last few words

I shall ever say to you.

For longer than i care to remember,

you have been prancing along with your gay charming way

and not giving much of a darn on what you stepped.

There was always springtime in your heart.

And if you paused to pluck a few

romantic posies by the path

who was there to blame you?

Joyce, please.

There was always only little Joyce.

Obliging little Joyce to get you out of your scrapes.

Credulous little Joyce who believed the utterest nonsense.

Jealous little Joyce who was a joy to torment.

Nasty-tempered little Joyce who was fun to fight with.

Faithful little Joyce to whom you could always come home.

Now Joyce, this isn't fair you know.

But you've plucked your last posy, my lad.

For i'm going to see that you keep this one forever.

I'm going to tell you exactly what you're life

is going to be like.

You're going to have love for breakfast,

and love for lunch, and love for dinner.

Sweet, sticky, sugary worship.

You're going to live on a steady diet of it

until you're ready to scream.

You're going to long for a good brawl, but she won't fight.

You're going to struggle to escape,

but she'll never let you away from her.

And it's just exactly what you deserve, you...

You billy goat!

Joyce! Joyce, Joyce!

Have some mercy, you've got to save me from her.

Joyce, please.

Oh, dear, Mr. West, you're just

the person I've been looking for.

- Who, me? - You.

- Would you show me your garden? - Well.

And the darling aviary?

With pleasure.

I don't know why you businessmen appeal to me so much.

Unless it's because you're so different from actors.

Well, well.

Basil. You know what gardens are, don't you?

Wouldn't it be amusing if i came back as your mother-in-law?

Bye.

- Digges? - Yes, sir?

Unpack the bags.

Yes, sir.

Digges, we're in a pickle.

Oh, if you'd only listened to me, sir, we'd...

Oh, never mind, sir.

We've been in and out of it before.

Not this kind of a pickle, this is a pickle!

We've done our best to fulfill our obligation to Mr. Henry.

I'm not thinking of Mr. Henry.

I'm not even thinking of the salvation of my immortal soul.

The thing has got far beyond that.

- Digges. - Yes, sir?

Do you realize what my life with that ingenue would be?

No, sir, what, sir?

Love for breakfast, love for lunch, love for dinner!

Oh, horrible, sir.

I've gotta get rid of her somehow.

Or Ms. Joyce is through with me.

And sloppy as it sounds, I couldn't stand that.

I understand, sir, underneath it all,

we are nuts about the girl.

Well, think, Digges, think!

Oh my mind's a barren field, sir.

We've exhausted all the possibilities

of "The Loving Triangle" and to avail.

There must be something, there must!

- There is, Digges! - What's that, sir?

"Alone in the City."

You're joking, sir, not "Alone in the City".

- Alone in the City, Digges. - But you can't, sir.

I must, a last desperate remedy for a desperate situation.

Oh, but she's so young, sir, so innocent.

Exactly, she'll flee from me in terror.

This will do it, Digges.

You can pack the bags.

I won't!

Basil!

Oh, Basil!

- But... - Oh, no, you don't.

Now, my proud beauty.

What are you doing?

Don't let me frighten you, little girl.

I'm not frightened. I just want to know what you're doing.

Some call it the fate that is worse than death.

Oh, Basil, how wonderful!

- Excuse me, but i-- - Oh, my darling.

- Thank you very much, but i-- - Now, I know you love me!

I must have picked the wrong play!

Oh, Basil!

Digges, let me outta here, Digges!

Mother, mother!

Oh, this is the best weekend party we've been to.

Why, it's even better than when Mr. Morley killed his wife.

Gracie, why, what are you saying, my dear?

Oh they're hugging and kissing and--

- Who? - Ooh, that man and your girl!

- What? - Gracie!

Don't go!

My dear, girl, where's your sense of humor?

Don't run away, Basil.

Oh.

I wanna know what happened between you and that ham?

Now, Henry, there's nothing to get excited about.

If ever there was nobility, I've seen it.

Nobility? Do you call that nobility to break in here and--

Now, here i was, as weak as water, but he was strong.

Strong!

Now there's simply no use, Henry.

The man's proven to me that he loves me.

I can never marry you now.

- But. - Dinner is served.

Joyce, I've got to talk to you.

Still making her fall out of love with you, Basil?

- Yes. - Oh, the things you do for me.

I'd like to speak with you, will you please follow me?

Oh, yes, I'm speaking to practically anybody these days.

And practically nobody's speaking to me.

- Oh, please, Ms. Joyce. - Quiet, Digges.

Well, what do you want?

What are your intentions concerning my daughter?

- None whatever. - What's that?

Well, then you better get some intentions.

You can't come here and compromise her

and act as if it was an everyday occurrence.

Look here, sir, no one can compromise your daughter.

It's as much as i could do to keep her from compromising me.

Clear out of here, pop, I want to talk to this man.

Well, I'm already talking to him about Marcia.

- Oh, but this is important. - Well, isn't that important?

- Now, run along, dad, please. - Not important.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

Nothing's important anymore!

Now, Underwood, I know what you've been up to all along.

Well, it's more than i do now.

You're trying to steal her away from me.

You knew how this would work.

Henry, I give you my sacred word of honor

I've done my utmost to get this girl back to you.

The whole thing's been a deliberate double cross.

If that's the kind of a cad you think i am,

may you strike me down where i stand.

You've had your turn, you thespian fraud!,

now i'll do some acting.

So help me, he did it.

- What happened? - I knocked him cold!

- Why this is terrible. - He dislikes being knocked down.

Ms. Paisley, let's have dinner.

Oh, are you hurt, sir?

Digges, will you stop making those silly bird noises.

You must have been reading some very bad fiction.

Is that so? Basil, tell her the truth.

Didn't i arrange for you to come down here

and disillusion her?

- No. - What?

I knew it, I knew it.

Now, you get out of that one.

- Digges! - They're packed, sir.

Come on, Digges!

Do a good deed daily and sleep in the dog house.

Before we left, sir, I took the liberty

of assuring her of our devotion.

She said she wouldn't come back,

but there was an unhappy look in her eyes, sir.

- There was? - Yes, but definitely, sir.

Well, I hold out very little hope, Digges.

- Ain't you Basil Underwood? - Hmm, yes, yes.

See here, I took my wife to see you in Hamlet

and ever since then i can't do anything with her.

It's too bad.

Oh, I know it ain't your fault.

You can't help it if you look that way in tights.

No, I don't suppose I can.

Say, I was wondering if as a personal favor you'd come over

at the house and help me straighten her out?

- What? - You know, sort of cure her.

No!

There's a heel for ya.

Well, here we are.

And where are we?

It's just you and i alone

together from now on, old fellow.

I shall do my best, sir.

I don't know what i'd do without you, Digges.

Oh, you're too good to me, sir.

No, Digges, I'm not good enough for you.

No, sir, it's i who's not good enough for you, sir.

I wonder.

Digges, she's here!

- Come on now! - Hello!

Don't you hello me, goodbye!

I knew you'd follow me here!

Now, look here, you stubborn girl.

- Do you want to compromise me? - Yes.

You go right home where you belong!

- This is where i belong. - Please.

Think of what your father would say.

Think of poor Henry.

- He's here, sir. - Who's here?

- Mr. Henry, sir. - I've left.

Tell him we're not at home.

He says, if you don't go out he'll come in.

- Oh, he does, eh? - Yes.

Ah, yes, she's yours, Digges.

Throw her out of the window,

put her down the fire escape.

I don't... And unpack the bags.

Henry?

If she's here, I hope i drop dead on this spot!

- I know she's here. - Now, Henry.

Are you hinting that i'm a liar?

I'm not hinting anything, I'm stating a fact.

But that's not what i came to see you about.

Oh, isn't it? Well, I'm glad to see you, old boy.

Underwood, a man can fight so long

and then he has to give up.

Yes, I'm beginning to come to

that bitter conclusion myself.

So i've come to wish you

both the very best of luck.

Henry, I hope you don't mean what i think you do.

- She's yours, I give her to you. - Please don't give her to me.

- I don't want her. - But she wants you.

- Well, she can't have me. - She's got you.

This isn't fair, after all I did

this thing as a favor for you.

Because i thought it was the decent thing to do.

You can't reward me by leaving me holding the bag.

Don't you refer to Marcia in that way.

I thought you were in love with the girl?

- So i am. - Well, take her away, Henry.

No, Underwood, I love her too much.

All i want is for her to be happy.

I couldn't marry her with her in love you.

I couldn't bear the hurt look that would be in her eyes.

Wait a minute, stop playing my part!

I'm supposed to be the self-sacrificing

hero in this piece!

Henry.

Do you really love me so much?

- Why, of course i do. - Of course he does.

Will you shut up? You meddlesome old nuisance.

Who asked you to interfere with our affairs anyway?

- She's absolutely right. - Well, I like that.

- Why you, you-- - You leave Henry out of this.

If you had any sense, you would have realized

that i'd have forgotten about you in two weeks!

I was in love with Clark Gable last year, and if i could get

over him, it's a cinch i could get over you.

Who's Clark Gable?

- He doesn't know Clark Gable. - I do.

Listen, I'm sick of being in the middle

of all this, I only did it--

I know why you did it, I heard every word you said.

I've studied psychology.

You did it because you're an exhibitionist.

All actors are exhibitionist and you're just an actor.

- Just an actor. - Not a very good one either.

My dear little ninny, we're all actors.

- Henry just played a big scene. - Shakespeare again.

Yes, a genius who wrote many truths.

And nothing truer than, "All the world's a stage

"and all men and women merely players.

"They have their exits and their entrances,

"and one man in his time plays many parts.

"His act being seven ages.

"At first the infant, mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.

"And then the whining schoolboy with his satchel

"and shining morning face, creeping like a snail

"unwillingly to school.

"And then the lover, sighing like a furnace,

"with the woeful ballad made to his mistress's eyebrow.

"Then a soldier, full of strange oaths,

"and bearded like the pard.

Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel.

"Seeking the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth.

"And then the justice,

"with eyes severe and beard of formal cut.

"Full of wise saws and modern instances.

"So he plays his part.

"The sixth scene shifts into the lean, slipper'd pantaloon

"with spectacles on nose and pouch on side.

"His youthful hose, well saved,

"a world too wide for his shrunk shank,

and his big, manly voice turning again to a childish treble."

Boy, what a ham.

"Last scene of all,

"that ends this strange eventful history.

"Is second childishness and mere oblivion.

"Sans teeth, sans eyes,

sans taste, sans everything."

What, no audience?

A magnificent performance, sir.

Thank you, Digges.

Would you please give me my bill, I'm checking out.

I'm sorry to hear that, Ms. Arden.

Place won't seem the same without you.

Dearest, will you ever be able to forgive me?

Darling, it's you who must forgive me.

I hate to bring you back to earth, folks,

but this is the ground floor.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Underwood.

Well, hello.

Have you two?

- Yes, we have. - Yes, we have.

You may have your husband back now, Mrs. Underwood,

though how you can endure him is beyond me!

Of all the meddlesome, impertinent, conceited--

Now, now, now, darling, remember, he was on

the level about getting us back together again.

Don't be silly, Henry. All this stuff you've been telling me

about his doing you a good turn and making himself

a better man is fantastic nonsense.

I never want to hear his name again.

You're a very sweet person, Mrs. Underwood.

And believe me, you have all my sympathy.

- Thank you. Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

You know, Digges, the gloomy conviction is settling

upon me that i was a far happier man

before i became a reformed character.

Ah, but at least we have the satisfaction

of knowing that today you're a man, sir.

You're on the credit side of the ledger, sir.

That's no satisfaction at all.

Yes, sir, but before you started this moral reformation

you may have been a bit of a bad odor.

But now, you have a perfume as sweet

as the lilies of the field.

Yes, and who wants to smell me?

Yes, you have me there, sir.

Digges, my boy, Ms. Joyce and i may have

had our little differences, perhaps eight or nine a month,

but in the main we were happy.

Do you realize that this silly business

has lost me the one woman in the whole cockeyed world

that i can't live with out?

Basil.

- Joyce! - No!

Now, now, don't move.

Just let me look at you.

What is it, darling?

There's something about you that's so different.

I don't know what it is, but you seem like a new man.

- You can see it? - Oh, yes, yes.

I can, really i can.

Oh, and i thought it was all inside.

No.

Of course, maybe it's just the lighting,

but there seems to be a halo around your head.

And i did it all for you.

- Sweetheart. - Darling.

- Pack the bags, Digges. - What, sir?

- Pack the bags! - What, again, sir?

Yes. We're flying to Las Vegas to get married.

Oh, but you don't need clothes to get married, sir.

- Pack the bags! - Oh, perhaps Digges doesn't

feel like packing the bags. Don't do it, Digges.

I'll trouble you not to interfere. Go on, pack the bags!

- Well, Digges may be tired. - Well, so am i!

Well, after all there's a limit to any man's endurance.

Hey, it's a pity you don't remember that sometimes.

Well, that's a fine way to talk to me!

- All right, don't get excited. - I'm not excited!

Who's excited?

After all, Washington did free the slaves!

What's that got to do with it?

I give the orders because i pay the man his salary!

And a very meager one too, a mere pittance!

Money again, you mercenary little biddy!

On the contrary, I'm the soul of generosity!

Digges, your salary is doubled!

Digges, your salary is cut in half!

Oh, you're the meanest most

contemptible man i ever married.

- What did you say to me? - Oh, you...

- Darling. - Oh, my sweet!

This is the life, eh, Digges!

I wouldn't know, sir.