Original subtitles

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm walkin' down the sidewalk and I suddenly know ♪

♪ Whose street it is, girl ♪

♪ And it doesn't really matter which way I go ♪

♪ I found the magic moment in my life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I'll lay it down ♪

♪ All is cool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm dancin' with you, baby, and I cannot decide ♪

♪ Which beat it is, girl ♪

♪ The one that I'm hearin' or the one that's inside ♪

♪ You've got to have a lover in your life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I know 'cause I've been around ♪

♪ I'm no fool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Now, there are certain people puttin' down certain people ♪

♪ 'Cause they got nothin' ♪

♪ Nicer to do ♪

♪ Hard talk ♪

♪ Goin' 'round about people ♪

♪ But people wouldn't do it ♪

♪ If people just knew ♪

♪ How sweet the sweet is ♪

♪ I found the magic moment ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I'll lay it down ♪

♪ All is cool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

[ Woman giggles, groans ]

[ Man groans ]

I didn't even lock the door.

I didn't even close the oven.

[ Man chuckles ]

You really took me by surprise, sneaking into the kitchen.

Getting late.

David will be home from work soon.

We better get up.

♪ Da-dum da-da-dum ♪

There's no time.

Did you hear something? No.

I haven't seen you in almost a month.

But David will be home any minute.

He's never caught us yet.

Honey.

Hmm?

Put on your apron.

I thought you didn't want to get dressed.

No, no. I mean just the apron.

Oh, hi... hi, there, David.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

I just thought

I was going to cut myself a little roast beef,

but I couldn't find it.

I was just going to have a little snack.

You get hungry for home cooking on these long trips.

And tired.

Your father wanted to take a nap.

Ah, sure, yeah.

Wel-welcome back home, dad.

I think I'll get some peanut butter instead.

Go back to sleep.

I'll talk to you later, son.

Thank goodness I didn't put the apron on!

Dope! Stupid! Idiot!

I laid out a towel for you, honey.

Okay.

Jenny, be careful when you unpack my bags.

I got some negatives stuck in my shirts.

I'm worried about Davey.

Yeah, so am I.

His hair is getting longer than yours.

I think it looks pretty on him.

Just what I've always wanted... a pretty son.

Oh, seriously, dear.

He's having trouble with his girlfriend.

Honey, why did you bring a grass skirt home?

For you to wear. It's from Africa.

It's an authentic kumawa fertility skirt.

Well, where's the rest of it?

That's it.

That's why the kumawa are so fertile.

Yeah. Kuma-wow!

I'm really concerned about Davey, dear.

Oh?

Ah, it's nothing serious.

He's just at that age.

Well, you've been away on so many assignments this year,

you and Davey never talk anymore.

When he was a kid, we used to talk a lot.

Used to make model airplanes together.

Now all he wants to do is sniff the glue.

That's not true.

Davey's interested in a lot of things...

Free speech, civil rights, music.

What music?

Seven guys plugged into a wall isn't music.

A lot of it is very good.

You just never stopped to listen.

You know, Davey's involved in a whole world you should know about.

Ah, it's just that old father-son gap.

Have you ever heard of any father who understands his teenage son?

But you're not just any father.

Grif!

Come on in, son.

Your mom seems to think I ought to have a little talk with you...

...father-son. Man to man.

What's this? A new necklace?

Yeah, do you like it?

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, it's just a symbol... Peace and love.

That's cute.

When I was a kid

we used to wear "kilroy was here" buttons.

What did that symbolize?

Well, uh, kilroy was, uh...

Well, it was written on all the walls

and "kilroy was here" and a hand...

Well, it was very big in the '40s.

I guess humor has changed a little bit.

Hey, you want to see some of the photographs I took

while I was on safari?

No thanks, dad.

I don't approve of hunting or killing.

I didn't kill them, David. I just photographed them.

That's how I make my living: taking photographs.

You do approve of eating, don't you?

Sure, dad.

Hey, uh, who's the woman in your life these days, huh?

Still Bootsie.

Bootsie? Do I know Bootsie?

Your boss's daughter.

Haskell hasn't got a kid named Bootsie.

Well, it's Linda, but we all call her Bootsie.

She wears boots a lot.

Ah.

Oh, look, David, I am no good at beating around the bush.

Your mom seems to think something is bothering you.

What is it?

Nothing.

Come on, son, you can talk to me.

I don't know.

Will you stop fiddling with your necklace? And talk like a man.

Okay, it's about Bootsie.

Bootsie? She's not in any trouble?

If you mean pregnant, dad, no.

Well, good.

You've been going with her for so long, all that necking,

and well, have you...

You kids... How do you kids put it, uh...?

Gone all the way?

Dad, that isn't the way us kids put it.

Whatever. How far?

[ Garbage disposal rumbles ]

Oh!

-Like that. -Is that all?

Your mother worries too much.

There is kind of a problem, though.

Bootsie's going to Europe this summer on a girls' tour.

Well, you'll miss her for the summer. She'll be back.

Yeah. Look, I was thinking.

I've saved an awful lot of money from my job.

I'm sure you have... you didn't exactly waste it on silly things like haircuts.

Yeah, uh...

Dad, I want to follow Bootsie around Europe this summer.

Just kind of bum around.

I've got enough money to get there,

and I'm sure I can survive.

Besides, I could be with Bootsie all summer.

You really like her that much, huh?

I really do.

I know mom thinks I'm too young

to go to Europe by myself. But I don't...

What do you think?

I think it's a great idea!

Make a man out of you!

Come on, dad. You're kidding me!

Dad, thanks.

Yeah, you're going all by yourself, huh?

Well, pretty gutsy.

Maybe I can kick in a few bucks.

No, I won't need it.

No, I try to trust and help people.

That way, they'll trust and help me.

Love's all over the world.

It protects us all.

Well, I've been all over the world, son.

Take a gun.

Come on, let's eat.

If you get to marseilles, I want you to look up...

Oh, no. She'd be an old woman by now.

She wasn't too young then.

What do you think mom's going to think about this?

Don't worry. I can handle your mother.

Nobody's going to Europe!

[ Whistle blows ]

Hi, Davey.

Oh, hi, Bootsie.

You ask them?

Yeah, last night.

They're still arguing.

Oh, Davey, you've got to go. We can't separate.

When you're in love as much as we are,

four weeks is... it's a month!

Well, dad's all for it, but mom's against it.

She thinks I'm too young.

I've got an idea.

My parents are going to your party tonight.

Why don't you ask your folks to convince my mom?

Oh, I don't like to ask my folks for anything.

They use it against me later.

Davey, why are you picketing with this group?

You're on the track team. -Yeah, I know.

But it's a guy's right to skip gym if he wants to.

There's a principle here.

You know, I'd like to see a love between the weak and the strong.

You're so deep.

Hey, look.

I don't think you should... Not in front of the guys.

He's going.

You haven't given me one good reason why he shouldn't.

Well, I've got a million of them.

He doesn't even know how to fold his underwear.

That's a reason?

That's a reason!

Well, let's take a vote.

Sir, would you keep your son from going to Europe

just because he couldn't fold his underwear?

It's some kind of a nut. Start the car, Harry!

Grif?

Would you come here a minute, please?

I'd like you to say hello to Mr. Dubrow.

-How do you do, sir. -How do you do?

Grif Henderson is the best action photographer I've got on my magazine.

Oh, yes, I saw that article that you did on Africa.

Great picture... that lion chasing the antelopes.

Those were gazelles.

Well, I don't know animals, Grif,

but I know pictures, boy.

See you later.

He doesn't know anything,

but he does take full-page ads.

Say, Haskell, is it true

Bootsie's going to Europe for the summer?

She's going. Vera arranged that.

It was her idea, you know.

A trip to Europe would sort of teach Linda about life.

If that kid learns any more about life,

I'm going to lock her in her room.

Davey told me she was going on some sort of student tour.

I'm sending a photographer along to cover the tour.

You know, "youth in Europe."

Yeah, that way the tour people get top publicity and my kid gets to go for free.

Vera arranged the whole thing.

Your wife is very good at that.

Do you think Vera dominates me?

Mm-hmm.

My psychiatrist says it's good for me.

Of course, Vera picked my psychiatrist.

But, Vera, David's just a baby. He's only 15.

Oh, kids mature earlier nowadays, Jenny!

[ Sitar plays ]

Groovy!

All: Ahhhh!

Let's watch horizontal now.

They're just more grown up.

You can see it on their faces.

You mean you'd let Bootsie go to Europe alone?

Alone? My baby?!

You see what I mean?

What if Grif went along as a photographer for the girls' tour?

Davey could even be his assistant.

You could even go with him.

Oh, no, Grif's been away on a long trip.

He'd hate that kind of an assignment.

I couldn't even ask him.

You don't have to ask him. I'll get Haskell to make him take the assignment.

But Haskell would?

Haskell does anything I tell him to.

It's like being married to a jello mold.

Thanks, Vera. I can't.

Somehow I'll convince Grif myself.

Okay, but if you change your mind, just holler for help.

Remember that night he camped out with the cub scouts?

Well, that was only one night.

He got pneumonia. Sneezed for three weeks.

-That was five years ago! -He's still got the same nose.

He doesn't speak the language. He bites his nails.

It's the first time Davey and I have agreed on anything in years.

Now he's going, and that's the last I want to hear about it!

[ Whispering ] My son is not going to Europe alone.

Did you say something?

No.

[ Barely audible ] He's not!

I heard that!

Four weeks in the jungle sleeping with lions and snakes,

and I don't need a sleeping pill.

But, boy, soon as I get home...

Hello?

Vera?

Jenny?

Help!

Okay.

Haskell!

What? What? I'll do anything!

Hello, dear.

I have your favorite dinner cooking right over here.

Hi, dad! Bye, dad!

Hold it! Come back in here. I got news for you.

I got news for both of you.

News, dear?

Haskell has changed my assignment for the summer. Guess where I'm going.

I'm going with you, David.

What?

My dangerous new assignment is to cover his daughter's tour in Europe.

And you're going along as my assistant.

You're kidding, aren't you, dad?

It's not the most thrilling event in my life either.

I tried to talk Haskell out of it,

but for some reason he's like iron.

Is that all, dear?

All?

You and I were finally going to spend the whole summer

right here together in New York, remember?

Maybe we can still spend the summer together.

Oh, really. How?

I have all the information right here.

You see, we can rent a home in France

if we stretch the budget a little.

Now, I'll stay there.

And you can join me when the tour is over.

Now I spoke to Mrs. Freed about the cat,

the gardener will watch the house,

and we'll all be together!

Oh, isn't that just great!

How can a kid grow up with his parents around?

Well, what do you think, dear?

I think I'm going to kill you!

Jenny, how could you do that? -I didn't--

-You got together with Haskell, and you plotted the whole thing.

That boy wanted to go to Europe by himself.

It would have made a man out of him.

Jenny Lee, I'm going to kill you!

Kumawa!

In a little while.

Oh, hello?

I was wondering if you had any house available

along the French Riviera for the summer?

We're looking for something around $2,000.

Yes. Well, I know June is late, but I...

Oh, well, thank you anyway.

[ Telephone rings ]

Excuse me, that's my telephone.

Hello, Continental Rentals here, Mr. Tilly speaking.

Oh, would you hang on just one moment?

My girl's out and the other telephone's ringing.

I'm so sorry. Can I help you?

Oh, I hope so.

Do you have any houses left to rent along the Riviera

for the summer... this summer?

Yes, oh, rather, certainly.

-You do? Well, how could you? -What?

All the other agencies said

that you had to book way in advance.

Yes. I handle a lot of society homes.

The jet set... They're a very restless breed,

and they decide at the last moment

they want to rent their houses.

Well, I'm more of the station wagon set.

Tell me, where do you live?

Oh, in New Rochelle. Now, I could be in town...

By a very happy coincidence,

I happen to be coming out there this afternoon on business.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Tilly.

You can just drop...

Ha!

Mrs. Henderson, that's one of our very best houses.

It even comes with a servant.

I'm afraid it's $2,500.

But you said I wouldn't have to pay more than $2,000.

$2,250.

-Let's say $2,000. -It's a deal.

-Oh, good. I'll get my checkbook. -Thank you

I'll make it out to Gilbert Tilly.

I love that name.

I knew it would work out.

Here's your contract.

I'll tell the owner you're coming,

and all you have to do is to arrive at the house.

Well, now, here is your check.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I see. Steady on.

This is only for $1,000.

But that's the deposit.

All the agencies that I called

said you pay half now and half when you arrive.

You know about that, do you?

Well, of course, we all know about it, don't we?

Yes, I wasn't quite certain that's the way you wanted to handle it.

That's the way my husband wants me to handle it.

Now, here's your receipt. Don't lose that.

-Oh, thank you. -Thank you.

And you were dear to come all this way,

and I know the villa is going to be just perfect.

I do hope you have a lovely time.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Ten days all to ourselves on the ship.

We won't even come out of the cabin.

We won't even open a porthole.

You aren't still angry with me, are you, darling?

Baby...

Are those the lips of an angry man?

We're going to have so much fun on the Riviera.

I have the money all worked out.

Uh-uh, I don't want to hear about the arrangements.

This is your show. You take care of the budget.

I'll buy you dinner, dear.

Oh, the numbers all jumble together.

I think I had too much wine.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You just hang on to me, sweetheart.

I'll be better when I'm in bed.

You always are.

[ Foghorn blows ]

[ Foghorn blows ]

Goodbye, Linda. Don't drink the water.

Do you see her?

Oh, what difference does it make?

She can't see us either. Just wave!

Hey, Linda!

Who are you waving at?

At you. Why aren't you on the boat?

I'm looking for Davey.

Well, Grif is already aboard taking pictures,

and Davey's coming with his mother.

I filled out some postcards for you.

All you have to do is sign your name and mail them back to us.

[ Car horn honks ]

Oh, there they are.

Where were you? You're late.

Mom wasn't feeling too well this morning.

She and dad celebrated last night.

All right, come on, mom. We're late.

All right, Dave.

You carry the luggage. I'll carry my head.

[ Foghorn blows loudly ]

Everybody check your compartment number!

Hold it! Hold it!

Step aside!

I told you that's compartment "a" on "c" deck!

I should be with dad.

You'll help dad later. First, you're going to help me.

I have to lie down.

Look at that idiot.

He's going to the wrong place. There are two girls in there.

There will be a scream and another complaint.

Animals! They're all animals.

Come on, mom. I think this is right.

This is it. Room 341.

Here, I'll take that, dear.

Now, remember, this is where you'll find your father and I.

You go ahead and find out...

Three beds?

Well, that's just great.

Now I got to sleep with you and dad!

Oh, no. You go on below. Find your place.

I'll meet you up on deck.

The whole thing is just a nightmare.

Looking for something, sister?

Yes.

I was just trying to see who this luggage belonged to.

The one you're holding belongs to me.

You have to be careful about going through people's luggage.

There have been a lot of thefts on these student ships.

Last year somebody swiped my riding crop.

There seems to be some sort of a mix-up here.

I think I'm going to speak to the purser about it.

Look, were you assigned here to "c" deck?

Yes, but my husband and I

specifically requested a private compartment.

That should have caused some tiny titters at the reservation office.

"C" deck is for the student tours.

On this deck there is no private.

You have to bunch up.

You're bunching with Selkirk and Ott.

We have a reservation.

Look, my husband works for scene magazine.

Mr. Wax was supposed to get us a special compartment.

We want to be together.

On "c", there's no "together".

"C" is for cheap, crowded, cramped, crummy.

-But I was... -Look, I'm very busy.

I have enough troubles trying to keep these boys and girls apart.

What do you want to be together for anyway?

You're married!

Hold it! I see that.

You little snips.

That's it. Look natural.

No, no.

Now, look, Gloria, these are supposed to be student shots.

Would you try to look like a student?

But lots of times I feel more like a teacher.

Are you sure you're only 16?

They've been asking me that since I was 11.

David, get me the other camera, will you?

No, I want the wide-angle lens.

Dad, it's not loaded.

Then load it, David.

I'm sorry, pop.

Man, that photographer's assistant is a real wimp!

He's my boyfriend.

Oh. Well, don't worry.

Huh?

I mean, I'll show you how to meet lots of groovy guys on the ship.

I've been on these tours before.

Grif! Grif! Oh, hello David.

Dear, they put you and me in different cabins.

Yeah, perfect.

You don't seem to understand.

I made all the arrangements, but they changed them.

Girls, could I have a little more animation please, huh?

A couple of smiles... that's it.

Honey, didn't you hear me?

We're not in the same compartment.

What do you want me to do about it now?

I'm trying to get a shot before I lose the sun.

We'll discuss it later.

Oh!

Hi, honey.

Well, I got my shot. Now, what's your problem?

-You see these three beds? -Yeah.

Well, I'm in the top one, and you're not in any of them.

You're clear on the other side of the boat.

The ship.

Well, whatever it is. You're not with me.

Well, honey, I can see I'm just going to have to have

a nice, long talk with the purser.

It won't do any good. I've already...

Mr. Henderson?

I thought I should introduce myself.

You did?

I'm Nancy Leigh. I'm the tour guide you'll be working with.

You look too young to be a tour guide.

You look more like one of the students.

-I'm Mrs. Henderson. -Ah, yes, she is.

Pleased to meet you.

-You're the guide, huh? -Uh-huh. Yup.

Grif, weren't you going to speak to...

The purser, yes.

Well, I hope you'll excuse me.

Bye.

He's crazy about guides.

I guess it's going to be an imposition for you

having a photographer along on the trip.

Oh, no! It will be great.

You'd be surprised how tiring it gets

traipsing all over Europe with teenagers.

It will be nice having an adult to relate to.

Oh, well, yes, he's a good relater.

Well, excuse me. I've got a million things to arrange.

Nice meeting you. Bye.

Bye, dear.

Oh, I left that hanging on the...

[ romantic music plays ]

Ten glorious days at sea together... ha!

I'm sorry about the cabin.

Maybe we should talk to the purser again.

No, every time I go near him he keeps saying "c" deck, "c" deck.

It's only a few more days.

Meanwhile, I'm bunking with two kids

who think it's hilarious to hold belching contests

at 2:00 in the morning.

Just don't think about it.

Think about our very own house on the French Riviera.

By the time we get there, we'll be strangers.

Come on. Come on.

Where you going?

I found a lover's Lane right here on the ship.

I saw some kids go there last night.

Oh, yeah?

[ Upbeat pop music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

I've never felt so old in my life!

Well, Grif, maybe we could try the...

Maybe we could just forget it, huh?

[ Music resumes ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring continues ]

[ Belching ]

That's three points for me.

Take your best shot, Harvey.

[ Belching ]

Oh, Allen!

Come on, Bootsie.

Allen, you're too much!

Oh, Allen! [ splash ]

Well, that's it.

I think I'll go in.

Oh, Jenny, can I borrow your sun hat?

I want some more sun on my legs, but not on my face.

Thanks. I forgot mine,

and all midge has are baseball caps.

See you later.

[ Foghorn blows ]

Why did you bite her in the neck?

I always bite you in the neck.

Why did you lend her your hat?

Purser: Animals!

Well, at least she's found a champion in him.

You know, I think the whole thing is pretty funny.

Yeah, I'm the scandal of the ship.

You know what the kids are calling me?

"Hickey" Henderson.

There you are, Grif.

The girls are in the pool having a water Polo match.

It would make a great picture.

I'll be right there.

I think she's a little flatfooted.

Yeah, that's the first thing I noticed about her.

Come on, Davey, it's your serve.

It's that Gloria Evans. She's a bad influence on you.

Davey, let me live!

I don't want to play anymore.

What about all your talk about freedom of the sexes?

You're right, Bootsie.

There's no room in our relationship for jealousy.

We're both young.

We got to experience life.

Well, if these things make you a Fuller person,

well, that's good.

I want you to go down to that pool

and spend some time with that lifeguard and that sailor.

He's an ensign.

Our relationship is built on trust.

Go!

You're so wise and good.

Dope! Idiot! Dum-dum!

I gave my girl away. Oww!

The whole family's mentally sick.

The mother's a kleptomaniac, the father's a masher,

and the son is a masochist.

You get all kinds at sea.

Honey, where are we going?

Come on, this way.

[ Laughing ]

Honey!

Grif!

Sweetheart, this is our last night on board,

and I finally found a little hideaway.

What? Isn't that a lifeboat?

Right.

You see, you're not so drunk.

I christen thee the s.S. Da-da-da Dee dum.

No, honey. No, wait. Save it for later.

You are right.

Up you go, dear. Right up there.

-Up I go? -Up the ladder.

Grif! Oh, that's why I love you, dear.

You're so sophisticated.

This is ridiculous!

Nothing is too ridiculous for Hickey Henderson. Roar!

-Grif! -Up there!

I'm trying!

Oh! -There you go.

Here, take this.

I'm not dressed for this.

You should get a picture of this.

Oh, I can't move!

My knee is hitting something.

I know. It's my throat.

Can't you move over a little bit?

Shut up and kiss.

Oh! Ah!

I got a cramp in my leg.

Ooh!

Just straighten it out and point your toe.

I can't. It's hooked under that lever.

Don't move it.

I moved it!

[ Beeping ]

Ah, Grifith, we're moving!

I know we're moving.

Report to main deck.

Report to main deck.

Take life preservers.

Report to your boat station.

-You blew it! -Just don't panic.

We must be sinking!

A purser doesn't have to go down with his ship, you know.

Move swiftly to designated areas.

Move swiftly to designated areas.

[ Foghorn blows, alarm rings ]

Animals! They're all animals.

[ Accordion plays ]

It's a three-hour ride to Paris.

Think this bus will make it?

I once broke up with a guy 'cause he had a car like this.

All right, stick your head out the window.

Honey! Don't do that.

The driver will take care of it.

Grif, do you think miss Leigh

minds my riding to Paris with the group?

You can sit in my lap.

I don't think we should even hold hands after last night.

At least not in front of this crowd.

Paul.

Now, be careful with that.

Very careful.

Bye, mom.

Bye, Davey.

Couldn't you stay just one night with me in Paris?

Darling, if I miss this train,

there's not another one until Saturday, dear.

Your tour is leaving tomorrow.

Besides, the train is cheaper now than on the weekends.

Unless you want me to try and rent a car.

I could drive down tomorrow.

No, no.

I don't want you driving all that way by yourself.

Take the train.

[ Train whistle blows ]

That has to hold me for a whole month.

Have you got the address of the villa?

It's right here in my purse.

If you get lonely, you've got the itinerary?

Mm-hmm.

Well, let's find your compartment.

Oh, honey, watch out for Davey.

Sure, he may work out.

Yesterday he hardly dropped a thing.

[ Whistle blows ]

Louis.

If anybody should call for me,

I'll be having a late supper on Llady Montclair's yacht.

Well, fine.

And if anybody calls for me, I'll be in the laundry room

or standing with dirty dishes.

I'll be so glad when France becomes communist.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.

Ah!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so glad Davey's all grown up.

He won't break anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just so thrilled to finally get here,

I forgot my manners.

I'm Jenny Henderson.

I'm Phillipe Maspere.

I'm glad to meet you.

Well, Tilly said there would be servants, but I didn't expect...

I mean, Philip... Phillipe.

[ Whispering ] You don't have to dress like this all the time.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh... oh... oh!

No, no, I don't want to look at another thing until I've rested.

I'm just exhausted from the trip.

First, I'm going to have a nice, hot bath.

Where's the bathroom, Phillipe?

Bathroom? The bathroom.

Ah, right at the top of the stairs.

Oh, thank you.

I'll take this bag.

Would you bring that one up to my room, please?

Certainly, madame.

Madame, ah!

Oh, we are going to get along marvelously.

Madame!

Who is she?

I never saw her before in my life.

She thinks I am a servant.

Yeah, after the next election you might be.

Louis, what should I do?

What should he do?

Call Lady Montclair and tell her you're not coming.

Oh, yes?

The American was very fresh and lovely, wasn't she?

♪ Ya-da-da-Dee da-da-Dee ♪

No!

A little welcoming ceremony.

Well, that's a very nice custom,

but in America we just shake hands.

All right. Then let's shake hands.

I am sorry!

You know, Phillipe,

I don't want to appear autocratic or anything.

I mean, I'd really like to be friends with you.

I used to have a girl named Teresa.

She used to clean for me.

We were the best of friends,

but this has gone a little too far.

But it hasn't gone anywhere yet.

Phillipe, just take the glasses and things downstairs.

It was a nice idea, but I...

I just want to go straight to bed.

She just wants to go to bed.

Can't figure it out.

He can't figure it out!

And the newspapers call you a dashing playboy.

It's very simple.

She wants to go to bed. Go to bed!

But it's so easy. There's no chase.

-You want a chase? -Yes.

I will run around the house a couple of times,

and you can chase me. Then go up to bed!

Ooh, boy!

Ahh!

Cigarette?

[ Gasping ] Ohh!

You're fired!

Yes, operator, it's 246-3911. New York City.

I just don't understand it.

This is the address,

and I do have the receipt, see, for $1,000.

I am truly sorry, Mrs. Henderson, but I assure you

my family has owned this house for generations.

And I have rented to no one.

Well, the agency must be able to clear this up.

Yes, operator, I'm still holding.

By the way, Mrs. Henderson,

I am very sorry about what happened upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm sorry I called you a servant.

Oh, I didn't mean that servant was bad.

I just meant that I...

Yes, operator, I'll speak to anybody at the agency.

Make sure it's collect.

Well, they made the mistake.

They should pay for the call.

Oh, gee, I hope they're open.

It should be about 10:00 in the morning in New York City.

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello.

I have a collect call from Mrs. Jennifer Henderson.

Will you accept the charges?

Yes.

Go ahead, please.

Is this continental rentals?

No, this is a park.

What?

Who is this?

Lori.

Well, is this... Is this 246-3911?

Wait a minute.

Hello? Hello? Hello, where did you go?

Is this circle-63911?

Yes.

Is this an office, little girl?

I'm a big girl!

Yes, I know, darling, but is this an office?

No, this is a park with trees and bathrooms and stuff.

Are you sure?

Yeah, my daddy brings me every Sunday.

Last Sunday, I fell off my bike and skinned my tongue.

Is your daddy's name Mr. Tilly?

I don't know. I think it's Fred.

Fred?!

I just... I can't believe it.

Mr. Tilly had such an honest face.

He gave me a receipt and everything.

It could happen to anyone.

Those will be my famous last words,

just before Grif kills me.

Surely your husband won't be that upset over $1,000.

Are you kidding? On my budget?

Do you know what $1,000 means?

He does not know.

He is a member of the ruling classes.

That will be all, Louis.

I shouldn't be bothering you with all of this.

If you'd just call me a cab,

I'm going to get my things together.

Wait a minute.

You can't run around looking for a room at this hour.

Tomorrow, you'll find a place.

Tonight, you stay here.

Oh, that's very kind of you,

but my husband wouldn't like that...

Your being a bachelor and everything.

I insist,

and if it will make you feel more comfortable,

I'll even sleep in the servants' quarters.

Only in a capitalist country

can a man be forced out of his bed to sleep on a sofa!

Only in a capitalist country

does a man have a bed and a sofa.

Louis, I have a confession to make.

Now, I am a priest!

I like Mrs. Henderson very much.

I like it messy!

Something about her interests me.

What?

The fact I don't interest her, I suppose.

No woman can be as content as she seems.

But I need time to court her.

How can I make her stay in the house?

Blow up her luggage.

It's ridiculous for you to try and find a place now.

Everything has been booked for months.

You found that out yourself in New York.

I do have $1,000 left.

Oh, thank you.

I thought maybe a nice hotel.

For two months? Impossible.

I'll find something.

Let me make you a proposition... my house.

I will rent it to you, and I make you a fantastic offer.

$1,000 for the rest of the summer.

But you live here.

This is my summer house.

I am only going to stay about 10 days.

Then I have to get back to Paris for my law practice.

While I am here, I'll stay with Louis.

We're like brothers.

$500 a month for this lovely house?

Yes.

Why?

Oh, it's empty most of the time.

I might as well pick up a little extra money.

You don't even have to tell your husband you were cheated in New York.

By the time he comes, I'll be gone.

Oh, please say yes, Jenny.

That's what I like about Europe.

They don't cover everything up with fig leaves.

I got a good idea, David.

Instead of carrying the equipment,

why don't you just put it on the floor and kick it along?

Girls, will you quit running off?

Now, come on, it's been a long day,

and I want to get some shots of you in front of the Mona Lisa.

Now, everybody in the other room.

Hey, dad? I got an idea.

What is it?

Pin a peace button on the Mona Lisa?

Come on, girls. Now stick together, huh?

Never mind.

Now, look, Davey. I'm sorry, son.

This job has me going crazy,

and I shouldn't take it out on you.

Now, what's your idea?

I was just thinking,

the Mona Lisa has that groovy smile and everything,

and well, she represents love and young womanhood.

Well, I thought it would be interesting

if we could see all the girls trying to smile like her.

That bunch?

Well, that's a nice idea, David, but...

Well, let's give it a try.

David, the equipment.

♪ It was written on my mind like the back of an envelope ♪

♪ Rehearsed and very carefully in reach ♪

♪ My cool-cucumber, noncommittal speech ♪

♪ That I wrote while hanging out down at the beach ♪

♪ And I shivered from the cold of the ice in my granite heart ♪

♪ Knowing that you didn't have a prayer ♪

♪ And then I rang the bell and you were there ♪

♪ And darling, then your face was full of me ♪

♪ And then your eyes were too ♪

♪ Your eyes were too ♪

♪ And I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew ♪

♪ I regained my self-control ♪

♪ And I tried to close my big, fat mouth ♪

♪ Before "I love you" fell out on the floor ♪

♪ I didn't feel like Batman anymore ♪

♪ I hit my funny elbow on the door ♪

♪ And then your brother asked if I had money for a haircut ♪

♪ And the pimple on my neck began to hurt ♪

♪ Suddenly, I wished I'd changed my shirt ♪

♪ And darling, then your face was full of me ♪

♪ And then your eyes were too ♪

♪ Your eyes were too ♪

♪ And I knew that you knew that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

That should be a good layout, Davey.

From now on, you give me all your ideas.

Look, I'm going to catch up with Bootsie, huh?

Thanks.

-Oh, Grif. -Hi!

Is everything okay?

Is there anything I can do?

You could reroute the tour so I could see my wife.

There was a message from her at the hotel.

She wants you to call.

Hey, it's the phone number of the new house.

But, Grif, we're leaving.

Hello, darling.

I've missed you so. How's Davey?

Fine, fine.

He's almost getting to be a help.

How's the house?

Oh, it's beautiful... so big.

You have servants to take care of it?

Oh, yes.

There's a servant here.

Mrs. Jennifer Henderson, formerly of Chillicothe, Ohio,

will be summering this season at her villa on the Riviera.

Oh, don't tease me, Grif.

I know you've been against this from the start.

Maybe you were right.

Hey, wait a minute.

I guess I have been the voice of doom,

but as soon as I've finished traipsing around with this gang,

I'm going to need a nice, quiet house and you.

Grif, you remember how you said I was scatterbrained,

and that I never could set this whole thing up?

I was dead wrong!

You're a master of international planning.

Well, honey, what if... What if I told you...

Honey, I got to go.

We're leaving Paris in a couple of hours.

I'll see you soon, baby.

It will be like a second honeymoon.

Honey...

Yes, she's still in her room.

Do you think she'll like these flowers?

What does a slave know about flowers?

Ask me about chains.

[ Knocking at door ]

Jenny!

Come in.

Are you all right, Jenny?

Yes.

I'm sorry I've been hiding in my room like a hermit,

but not telling Grif the truth upset me.

I had to think things out.

And...?

Grif is looking so forward to this that I decided to stay.

Wonderful!

Oh, that's quite simply the French way

of officially welcoming you to my house.

Really!

I kiss my brother that way when he stays here.

And I hate my brother.

Oh, thank you.

The flowers are lovely.

So are you.

Phillipe, I've been working on a household budget with the expenses.

Now, as long as you're here, we're going to split everything.

Here, here.

What is that?

A little present I bought you.

The Riviera is a place to laugh and have fun.

Forget budgets!

Aw, I'm sorry. I know. I get carried away.

My mother was a librarian.

Oh, a bikini!

Well, it's beautiful.

Just a token. It really isn't much.

No, it isn't much.

I mean, it's lovely. Thank you.

I'll take you to the beach tomorrow,

and you can wear it.

Wear it?

Oh, no. No, I couldn't do that.

Grif wouldn't like it.

He wouldn't like you in a bikini?

No! No!

Your husband? He isn't a little ah...

No, he isn't a little...

He'd love to see me wear a bikini... alone.

It's just that he wouldn't want to see me wearing it

for anybody else to see me.

Oh, you can wear it tonight.

A little moonlight dip in the pool.

On, no... Not tonight. I'm still a little tired.

All right, whatever you like.

We have plenty of time.

Goodbye.

Hey, how about a little good-night kiss, huh?

Like a brother?

Well, that's how I always said good night to my brother.

What a disgusting country you come from.

[ Whistling ]

No.

All right, now.

Let's try and do it together, on the count of three.

One... two... three.

[ Shouting ]

My daddy paid a lot of money to send me on this tour!

We weren't supposed to work.

Why don't you take your daddy's money and...

Let's take a 10-minute break.

Get some soft drinks, penny!

Penny! Oh, penny! Penny!

What the heck is keeping that Paul?

He said he was going to try to find a tractor or something.

Well, that shouldn't be too much trouble for him.

He found the only muddy spot in the whole road.

David, maybe if I lifted up on the back of the bus,

you could get some of these twigs and leaves

to stick under the wheel, huh?

Oh, boy.

Grif, let me help.

You better not, Nancy. It's a big bus.

Well, let's lift together.

On the count of three.

Turn the wheel over.

[ engine running ]

One... two... three.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Wouldn't you know it? Are you all right?

Sure.

I'd pay $20 for a mudpack like this in New York.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Here, you missed a little spot.

You're a great sport, Nancy. You really are.

Just like mom.

Mom's a great sport, isn't she, Davey?

[ Easy-listening music plays ]

I told you I was the fastest runner in the girl scouts.

I was the slowest messenger in the French underground.

I run with my son to keep in shape.

He's on the school track team.

Oh, yes. Your son. How old is he?

10.

Okay, girls, our rooms are on the second floor.

Out of the bar.

All right, girls, out of the bar.

You heard miss Leigh.

Good evening, sir.

We welcome your tour to San Romano.

Thank you. Will this get to Cap d'Ognion by tomorrow?

Yes.

Excuse me, sir. What is that?

It symbolizes love and peace. You want to make something of it?

Second floor.

Out of the bar. Now stay out of there.

Are you sure you're only 16?

Oh, Phillipe, wait.

I want to save the address on the envelope.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Thank you.

I have bad news, Jenny.

I must interrupt my relentless campaign to seduce you.

I have to drive to Milan tomorrow morning very early.

-Milan? -Yes.

Yes, one of my clients has a warehouse that burned down.

Why, that's awful.

Especially since the police discovered

he was the one who burned it down.

But I'll be back tomorrow afternoon,

very early, for my party.

Goodbye.

Phillipe, wait. Wait, wait.

Could I go with you?

Go with me?

But of course, darling, you can go with me.

-Oh, Pillipe, wait... -I have been such a fool!

Naturally you would have nothing to do with me here,

here in the house...

The very bedroom you and your husband will share.

But a little trip away somewhere...

That is different, eh?

Oh, no, no.

Phillipe, you don't understand.

I only want to go as far as San Romano.

Yes, what's in San Romano?

Grif.

Well, I just have a letter from him now.

The tour is there for two days, and it's on the way to Milan.

I could take the train back.

Oh, no, no.

Are you sure you're going to tell him the truth...

About my house and me?

If he says what I think he'll say,

this may be goodbye, Jenny.

Like a brother.

Like a very good friend.

Bye-bye.

-Excuse me. -Oh, no rooms...

Np, no. Is a Mr. Grif Henderson registered here?

Yes, but it is early in the morning. I'm sure he's asleep.

Oh, yes, I know.

Could you just give me the key to his room?

[ Whispering ] I want to sneak up and surprise him.

This is not that kind of hotel.

Children stay here.

Oh, no, you see, I'm Mr. Henderson's wife.

Well, how do I know you are Mrs. Hen...

Hello, Mrs. Henderson!

The key.

Oh, thank you.

Good night... good morning.

Arrivederci or something.

Grif.

Grif!

♪ Da-da-da Dee dum da Dee dum ♪

[ Marching band plays ]

Honey, I hate to take off like this,

but the tour is leaving for Ganocci for the art festival

and I'm late already.

That's my husband. Hit and run.

Oh, honey.

I was just kidding.

Sorry about that.

You can stay here tonight.

No, no. We won't be back till late.

As a matter of fact, we may stay overnight.

Well, maybe you should go back to the house.

Um, honey, about the house.

Honey, why don't you run down and see Davey?

He's just down the hall. He's bunking with a kid who's driving the bus.

Yes, I will, dear,

but first I want to talk to you about the house.

Yeah, what about it? It sounds great.

Well, it is, but before I tell you about it,

take the razor away from your throat.

Grif, there is no house.

I was cheated in New York when I rented it,

and when I got there,

it was owned by a lawyer who had never heard of us.

Well, say something.

[ Mimicking Jenny ] It will be so wonderful, Grif.

We'll have our very own house for the summer on the Riviera.

Jenny, how could you?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

If there is no house, where you been the last week?

At the house!

You see, dear... Phillipe was so upset about my being cheated

that he said I could stay at the house anyway.

Phillipe who? Phillipe what? Phillipe where?

Phillipe Maspere. He owns the house.

Well, there was no other place within my budget

so he said I could stay there.

A perfect stranger gave you his house for nothing?

No, I have to give him the other thousand

but, well, it's his summer house.

Well, it's summertime. Why is he renting it to you?

He said he's practically never there.

Well, I guess he just figures

that he can pick up a fast thousand for nothing.

The point is we do definitely have the house for the summer?

Oh, yes. If we want it.

Of course we want it. Why wouldn't we want it?

You had me scared there for a minute.

You lucked out again.

You mean it's all right for me to stay in the house

with a perfect stranger?

I thought you said he was never there.

Well, he has been lately.

Of course, there's a servant named Louis,

but Phillipe is an unmarried frenchman.

Honey, don't sound like every old-maid schoolteacher

that comes to France.

They think every frenchman is a sex maniac.

You're getting vain in your old age.

Now, baby, I didn't mean it that way.

I just meant that you're the mother of a teenage son.

Nobody's going to grab you.

Hey, dad, they're all ready.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Hello, sweetheart!

Mom, what are you doing here?

You said you wouldn't come on the tour and spy on me.

Honey, I wasn't going to spy on you.

Davey, your mother came to see me.

Yeah, but she said she'd stay at the house.

Well, I'm going back.

Oh, groovy.

Well, I'll see you in a few weeks.

Mom, would you just not kiss me like that.

Like what?

You know, that cheek against the face, checking for fever.

I'm not a baby anymore.

Now that he's got a father to talk to,

he doesn't need his mom as much.

We're buddies.

That's what you wanted, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

Come on, Grif.

Let's go find another mud puddle.

Mrs. Henderson, what are you doing here?

I came to see my husband.

My husband is dressing.

What's that about mud puddles?

That was just a little joke.

You have little jokes?

Hi, Nancy!

Hi!

Mrs. Henderson, are you coming to ganocci with us?

Because, if you are,

I'll have to try and make room on the bus.

No. No, I'm not... I'm not going.

You don't need me along.

Oh, well, fine. Nice seeing you.

Hey, Grif, I'll save you a seat on the bus.

Bye, Mrs. Henderson.

Now, honey, I'll be at the house before you know it.

And be sure and be nice to that frenchman.

I don't want him going back on the deal.

Come on, girls. The bus is leaving.

Goodbye, old girl.

Old girl.

[ Marching music plays ]

Jenny!

Jenny, you wore the bikini!

You look magnificent!

Really?

Of course.

No, no.

You're breathtaking.

Thank you.

Have you come to join the party?

Yes, I certainly have.

Mother's going to have some fun!

Hi, dad.

Hi, Davey.

Did you see Paul around?

We were supposed to go to the concert together.

You're not going with Bootsie?

No, no. We had another argument.

She went with some art student.

Oh, well.

Well, I know what you need, son... a drink.

No, dad, please.

No, I insist.

We've never had a drink together before.

Now, sit down.

It's a big moment in a boy's life

when he has his first drink in a bar.

Two more of the same, please.

Look, dad, if it's okay with you...

I'd rather have a scotch mist with a lemon twist.

Two of those.

Hey, dad...

Did you ever date any girls before you met mom?

Oh, sure, Davey.

Your mother didn't find me in a monastery, you know.

Well, I just don't understand them.

One minute I'm just perfect with Bootsie, then wham!

You know, I've given her honesty, and we shared everything.

I always thought trust was the basis

for all meaningful relationships.

Only with your dog. You can't trust women.

Your mom is the one exception to the rule.

Now, just what's so different about mom?

She's capable of doing some pretty stupid things.

She's a woman.

She's not a woman, Davey. She's mom.

And so, the other sailor said, "you can have my duck."

[ Laughing ]

He likes it.

Dad, I wish mom would treat me like this.

If your mother ever told you a joke like that, I'd kill her!

I don't mean that way.

I wish she'd treat me like a grown-up.

She never does.

Now, Davey, you have to look at it this way.

The parent-child relationship is a difficult one.

Every parent at one time or another, you know,

when the... child, you know, is just a few months old...

They give them a little kiss on the Fanny.

-I'm leaving. -No, no, wait.

I'm trying to explain something.

Now, when the child gets a little older, you know,

and they start treating him like a grown-up, well...

at the weirdest moments, you remember that little kiss.

It's like, well, you know,

when you're having your first drink together.

Dad.

Look, Davey.

Davey, do you want to understand parents?

You have to remember one thing.

It's hard to forget

that you kissed a person on the behind.

David, ready to go?

Oh, hi, Paul. Yeah.

Well, bye, dad. Thanks for the drink.

Yeah.

Dad, look, why don't you come along with us?

No, you go ahead, Davey. Go on!

That's my boy.

Hey, pal. My italian's not too good.

What does that say?

It's about Phillipe Maspere.

Yeah, I know him.

Well, I don't know him. I know his name.

We're renting his summer house.

He's a very famous lawyer all over Europe.

He won another case today.

Which one is he? The fat one?

No, he's the handsome one.

Even more widespread than his fame with the law

is his fame with the ladies.

Oh, yeah?

They say that half the divorce cases he handles...

He is the cause!

[ Laughing ] I love jokes!

My wife is living with him.

What?

I don't mean living with him.

She's just staying in the same house.

I told her it was all right.

You allowed your wife to stay with Phillipe Maspere?

Enzo! Antonio!

[ Speaking italian ]

[ Laughing ]

Excuse me, I have to rent a car.

We have several requests today.

Nothing available until tomorrow.

When's the next train to Cap d'Ognion?

Tomorrow.

-Oh, I better take a cab. -But I don't yhink you...

Taxi! Taxi!

Jenny wouldn't do anything wrong.

She tried to tell me the truth.

Nothing to get excited about.

If there's nothing to get excited about,

why am I talking to myself?

What do these capitalists know about fancy dancing?

Of course, there's nothing wrong with talking to yourself,

as long as nobody's listening.

I got to be reasonable.

It's not her fault

she had to move in with this guy.

Unless she planned it this way from the start.

Oh!

Oh! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, where are you going? Why don't you stay?

I just opened some champagne.

You probably couldn't tell that. Stay and have some champagne.

Oh, what a marvelous night.

I hate to see it end.

Maybe it's just beginning.

No, Phillipe.

I'm vulnerable tonight.

Listen to me, Jenny.

Sometimes I play the empty-headed, romantic fool.

But I know exactly what you are going through.

-You do? -Oh, yes.

The way you were tonight... The bikini, dancing, drinking.

That's not the real Jenny.

You've been rejected by those you love,

and you overreact by flinging aside all your old values.

But inside... inside you are very confused and troubled.

Only a beast would take advantage of you in this situation.

Oh, Phillipe!

Fortunately, I'm a beast.

Uh, let's take a swim!

No, no, let's stay here.

I'll tell you a secret I rarely tell anyone.

I don't know how to swim.

Well, I'll teach you!

I bet she planned the whole thing right from the start.

Oh, boy, I'm talking to myself pretty good now.

She probably met him in the States.

He travels a lot.

It was some cocktail party.

We're always going to cocktail parties

with a bunch of foreigners hanging around!

Just roll over, dear.

All right.

No, your arm goes in front. That's it.

Who the hell knows how long this thing's been going on?

I remember some French guy hanging around at our wedding!

I want to show you how to float.

You should know how to float. -What's that, float?

Lie on your back, dear. Over!

You got a good stroke. I'll tell you that.

Grif!

Grif?

Grif, dear.

Honey! Grif! What are you doing?

Grif, you don't seem to understand.

Honey, I was just teaching him how to swim.

In the nude?

Typical American husband... Foolish, jealous,

and a prude!

Grif!

Oh! Grif! Where are you going?

Wait, dear. Grif!

Grif, have you gone crazy?

I must have been crazy to let you carry on with this guy

behind my back for 15 years!

15 years?! Where are you going?

To get drunk!

Are you all right, Jenny?

Yes. How did you swim away so fast?

I am a fast learner?

Grif! Grif! Where are you going?

Oh, Louis.

Louis, are you going into town? -Yes, but...

Follow that bus!

Push me!

[ Panting ]

That's it, Louis. Just keep pedaling, dear.

Stay in there.

I thought he came this way.

Do you see the bus anywhere?

How can a dead man see?

Oh, there he is!

[ Door shuts ]

Better get those pants off.

I'm not interested, honey.

Now, Grif, we are going to sit here,

and we're going to discuss this whole thing intelligently.

Oh, excuse me!

Good night, Lady Godiva!

Grifith Henderson, if you walk out on me, I'll never speak to you again.

I'm walking!

Jenny! Jenny!

You really are an amazing woman!

You can act huffy and indignant

after having an affair behind my back for 15 years!

What 15 years?

Don't try to fool me, Jenny.

I know that you've been carrying on with this guy

since the day we were married!

Me?!

I distinctly remember some French guy

lurking around in the background

the day we were married!

You idiot. That was the caterer!

Was he French?

I never laid eyes on Phillipe until one week ago.

And if the fact that he's French bothers you, it certainly should,

because the French know how to treat a woman, how to appreciate her,

how to make her feel like she's still a woman

and not take her for granted!

[ crowd cheering ]

You know how to print postcards, too!

Boo! Boo!

I don't know when you've had time to build up

all these jealous fantasies of yours.

I thought you were much too busy with miss Leigh.

Miss Leigh happens to be a very fine young lady who I...

Wait a minute!

Don't try that old trick with me!

What old trick?

You're guilty as hell, so you try to make me think

I've got something to be ashamed of.

Well, I'm not the one who's running around flaunting my bellybutton!

A bikini is a very acceptable piece of apparel!

Then I'll take off my pants,

and we can run around the streets together!

All of a sudden the bikini is lewd.

Am I supposed to shrivel up and wear a shawl

just because I'm your wife?

You are a middle-aged mother!

[ Gasping ]

Oh!

Sir, is this the body of a middle-aged mother?

Ahhh!

Are you happy?

You just proved you have the power to drive men mad!

-I want to go home! -You stick around long enough,

you can be pin-up girl of the French Foreign Legion.

There is no more French Foreign Legion!

For you they'll get together again!

I meant I want to go to my home in New York!

Who's waiting in New York?

Lawyers are waiting in New York!

Why are you so hot for lawyers all of a sudden?

Divorce lawyers!

D-divorce lawyers?

Are you, uh...

Are you driving back to San Romano?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good. I'll go with you.

I'm taking Davey home with me.

You're not taking Davey anywhere.

A boy should be with his mother when his parents...

When things like this happen.

Not if his mother is a nudist.

Oh!

Ahhh!

I don't even like French bread!

May we please stop at the house and pick up my clothes?

Sure.

You want to say a last goodbye to lucky Pierre, right?

Forget about stopping at the house.

No, you better change clothes.

I don't want Davey to see his mother in a nudie costume.

Oh, you and your

♪ da-da Dee dum da-dum da-dum ♪

And all that talk about aprons and kumwawa skirts...

It's kumawa.

Kumawa and lifeboats,

and then I wear one very normal bikini and you...

You know what you are?

You're a narrow-minded prude.

You wore it with another man!

Even the Marquis de Sade had his limits.

Don't stop at the house.

I want Davey to see me in this!

Don't be ridiculous!

Grind your gears all you want.

My son is not a stuffy hypocrite like you are.

I want him to decide if his mother is indecent.

Must you go so fast?

Are you going to back-seat drive from there?

Boy, I'm going to...

[ Speaking italian ]

[ Siren wails ]

Buona séra.

Buona séra.

Where is the fire?

Was I overdoing the speed limit? I didn't see any signs.

No comprende inglése.

Where is the fire?

There is no fire.

No comprendo.

They obviously don't speak english.

Show them your license.

I was going to. There.

Gràzie.

No tiene license italiana?

Ooh, no tiene license italiana?

No license per autobus?

No license per autobus?

And no fire!

[ laughing ]

Look.

I did not know I was going over the speed limit.

Where is the fire?

[ Humming ]

What, are you bribing him?

It's the international language.

It's the only way we'll get out of this mess.

Gràzie!

[ Speaking italian ]

Okay, pal, here.

[ Speaking italian ]

He's got the license number.

I think he thinks the bus is stolen.

Why do Americans think

if you shout at people that don't speak english

they'll understand?

I am not in the mood

for a lecture on international relations.

I was just trying to keep this guy from grabbing you.

Of course, this new woman you've become may enjoy it.

I'm going to call Phillipe. He's a lawyer.

You make one move to call that guy,

and I'll break your dialing finger!

[ Shouting in italian ]

Where is the fire?

Another one who can't speak english!

I speak english very well.

See, the other gentlemen, all they could say was...

Where is the fire?

I know. I taught them.

It's a nice touch when giving a ticket to tourists.

Come on, let's get this thing settled, huh?

You are charged with driving with no license,

no autobus license, stealing the autobus.

You forgot speeding.

[ Speaking italian ]

We drop the charge for speeding.

Now look, if you...

Calm yourself.

If you will just call the San Romano hotel,

they will tell you that I'm with the student tour.

Sorry, but we received a complaint

from a miss Nancy Leigh that the bus was stolen.

It's borrowed!

We have your identification, signóre.

Do you have some identification, signórina?

Me?

I didn't bring anything that I know of.

Bravo!

Dressed like that, signórina,

you must have run away very fast.

Like when stealing a bus.

Look, I know my rights! Will you call the hotel?

These are complicated charges, signóre.

You will tell your story to the chief of police.

I thought you were the chief of police.

No, I am only the assistant chief of police.

That's why I have to work nights.

We're not staying here all night.

Now, you get on the phone and call the chief at his house.

I can't do that.

His wife thinks that he works nights.

[ Speaking italian ]

Well, now, wait a minute.

Where do you think you're taking her?

To the women's cells... Very nice, very clean. She will like it.

I demand you release us at once!

I don't like you so very much!

You are a dangerous type.

I think I will fingerprint you before we lock you up!

Ink pad, ink pad!

You want my fingerprints?

File that!

[ Women shouting ]

Ciào!

[ Speaking italian ]

No capice italian.

Inglése? Americàna?

Americàna.

Americàna!

Hello!

Oh. Hello.

My name Maria.

Oh, my name is Jenny.

Jenny.

You speak english?

Where you picked up?

Oh, on a bus.

You work buses? That's dangerous.

I'm an American tourist who was caught by mistake.

Listen, Maria, I need some help.

I have to get out of here.

Can you arrange a telephone?

Telephone.

Listen, telephone.

[ Shouting ]

Maybe Mr. Agatzi help you.

You wait. I see.

[ Women shouting ]

Ahh!

-Where you go? -I'm going with...

[ speaking italian ]

You come house, make call.

Oh, may I use your telephone?

That's very nice of you. Yes, thank you.

For this one I get 20,000 lira.

You sure you are 16?

I was born 16.

So what are you doing?

Sit and wait for your girl to finish having a good time, huh?

Look, I do what I want.

It is not good for a woman to see a man sit and wait for her.

Sure, many times you have to sit and wait for a girl,

but you don't have to let her see.

Take you to a dance, meet some real women?

Do you know a dance this late?

It's almost morning.

I know everything.

A bus driver's like a cab driver,

only with more gears.

Vroomm... vroomm!

[ Speaking italian ]

Well, I think we're all straightened out. They went to get Jenny.

Yeah, finally.

I had to bribe the guard with my watch

just to make a phone call.

I ought to leave Jenny in there all night.

That would knock some sense into her head.

I take it you had a little spat.

Oh, no, no spat.

Just a knock-down, drag-out battle.

Maybe to the finish.

I don't want to bother you with my problem.

I guess I've already ruined your evening.

Not really.

The fellow I was with already ruined my evening.

Seems like all italian men want to do

is talk about their mothers.

Seems like all the good men are married.

Nancy, I think you've been drinking.

Grif, you know what's sad?

What?

Well, learning to speak six different languages

and then not finding anybody you want to talk to

in any of them.

I guess you know I'm making a pass.

I'm sorry, Nancy.

Well, you could have at least hesitated a second.

Ciào!

Signóre, your wife is gone.

Gone? She broke out?

Nobody breaks out of San Romano jail.

The guard said she went with signóre Agatzi and the girls.

The guy who was over here in the fancy suit?

Sí.

-Well, isn't he a... -Sí.

Look!

Well, it's beautiful for a...

It's decorated magnificently.

Sí, sí. Come in my office.

I think I should go back to the hotel.

Oh, it's okay.

As soon as your friends bring bail money,

Mr. Agatzi lets you go.

Oh, all right.

You telephone.

It really is a lovely place.

And it has magnificent antiques.

This is where the tourists should shop.

Many do.

Oh, really?

Aren't you coming with us?

No. You telephone.

Ciào. See you later.

This is my office.

Well, it's lovely.

It's very authentic.

Come, come, come.

Are you sure you not like work for me?

Oh, no.

Listen, I let you keep half.

It's the best deal I ever give any girl, hmm?

Oh, thank you. I'm very flattered.

No, I'm insulted.

Mr. Agatzi, could I just use your telephone, please?

Such a waste!

All right.

Yes, please use my telephone, have a drink,

make yourself comfortable.

Ah, thank you.

Mr. Agatzi, may I ask you a question?

How did you get into this bus...

I mean, what did you do before?

Television.

Hey, Gina!

Paul, you told me it was a dance!

You can dance if you want to.

I'm leaving. I'll wait for you outside.

Wait! Sit here.

I'll have one drink, three or four pinches,

and then we'll go, huh?

Desoro!

No, Davey.

[ Whispering ] Maria. Maria.

Come here, come here.

Maria, I can't get through.

I have to get out to clear things up.

Can you help me?

I'll pay Mr. Agatzi back. I promise.

That door... go to street. You go.

No let Agatzi see you.

Thank you. Goodbye, Maria.

I miss you, Jenny.

Next time I come up, I'll call you.

Sí. Ciào.

Gràzie.

Davey, what are you doing in a place like this?

Well, mom, what are you doing?

Excuse me, miss. Excuse me.

You come with me, young man!

What are you doing here?

Yes, I've spent most of my life on the high seas.

But I've never been completely happy

since I left the Queen Mary.

Yes, I really miss the big lady.

[ Whispering ] There's no one here.

She change her mind!

Davey!

Now, now listen.

I was just waiting for Paul.

Davey, I don't want you hanging around here.

It's not the kind of...

Let's get out of here.

We're going home.

Home?!

I'm going back to New York, and I'd like you to go with me.

Back to New York? Is dad going, too?

Well, no, he's completing the tour.

He wants you to stay with him.

What's going on?

What are you doing here and where's dad?

Oh, Davey, it's just so complicated.

It started at the villa and I...

Do you think I look terrible in this bathing suit?

I mean, are you ashamed of me?

No.

You just don't look like a real mom.

Thank you.

Believe it or not, Davey,

I don't always want to look like a real mom.

Is that what you argued about?

It's partly that, and it's partly...

Davey, you just wouldn't understand.

Look, I understand a lot of things now.

And you just don't want to think so.

You want to treat me like a baby.

Well, let me tell you something.

There's a couple of girls out there

who don't think I'm such a baby!

David Henderson!

Look, they thought I was real cute.

I could have gone with any one of those girls.

That doesn't prove you're a man!

Your father's quite a man.

Well, you'd never catch him in a place like this!

Buona séra. You like a nice ragàzza?

No, I don't want a nice ragàzza!

You got a blonde girl here

wearing a trench coat and a bikini?

No, but I got a redhead with high boots and a helmet.

Hey, you! You!

Where's the blonde girl you took out of jail?

Bellisima! 20,000 lira.

I'll wrap 20,000 lira around your neck!

Now, where is she? -But you cannot see her now.

She is working!

Working? Where?

Room eight.

[ Speaking italian ]

I know that man. He's a pervert!

40,000 lira!

Dad! Grif!

Watch it!

Hello, sweetie!

Jenny!

Honey!

It's like we're out in the streets!

Oh, I hope it's a fake!

Davey!

David, watch it!

That's my boy!

What inning is it?

[ Bleating ]

[ Speaking italian ]

You really let yourself go!

Ugly, ugly American!

Shut...

Wait! Wait!

Honey?

Honey?

Oh, my goodness!

[ Shouting ]

Would you get to a phone and call for a crane?

-I'll be right back. -Thank you.

You brought my wife into this?

Will you see

if Mrs. Henderson's called for that crane?

Honey, wake up! It's Christmas!

Yeah, that's me, that's me!

That's the big guy I hit.

Look. Look at it.

It's a little out of focus. They should have used a 35 lens.

Davey, did you see this?

Oh, you did.

Well, what were you doing in a place like that?

Honey, look. I let you do what you want.

A guy has a right to get around a little, too.

Besides, we came here to learn about life.

Well, you could spend a little bit of time with me.

Well, we've got a little bit of time now.

Come on, let's get a soda. We're getting get a soda.

Not too long, okay?

I think I'm going to take Gloria to the beach.

You wouldn't dare!

Bootsie, let me live!

When I saw you in that bikini with Phillipe,

I suddenly realized that after all these years

I could still lose you.

Oh, no, you can't.

How much did Agatzi offer you?

[ Slap! ]

Oh, do that again.