Original subtitles

Hello.

My name is Eli Pettyfog.

I'm 13 years old.

Today is my first day of college.

Where you got that bag, Eli?

Books?

Don't they have a library at that place?

She's a terrible mother.

But it's not her fault that I'm a genius.

Please tell me this is a joke.

I wanted to Tokyo, but I'm just so tired.

Remember the electric bill is the most important.

And the rent.

Make some friends out there, okay?

Bye mom.

Later.

I welcome you to Whitman College.

The 37th best small liberal arts college in the East Coast.

This is the place I love to be.

Lots of stuff to know.

How about some exercise for the lazy student?

Some people go to college because they graduate from high school, like me.

Others go and they self-destruct.

Like this guy.

Qi Gong.

Badminton?

Or squash?

He had a business once.

He used to sell this stuff to these people, and then he bailed on these things.

Put your shuttlecock away.

It's squash.

Let me get that for you.

Give me my bag back.

I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.

Me like Pettyfug, child prodigy.

Please can I have my bag back?

You a freshman?

Unfortunately.

Me too.

What room you in?

212 Camden.

Oh good, it's right here.

I'm right across the hall.

Well, take care.

Brush your hair.

I need the oldest undergraduate in the world as a friend.

Like I need a hole in my head.

And I don't need a hole in my head, if that's what you were wondering.

Hey, want to get a burger?

No.

My treat.

Thanks, but no.

Eli.

It's your first day of college.

You're gonna have plenty of time to sit alone and hate yourself.

I'm on.

Wow, that's good.

That is old-fashioned American genius.

Haven't you noticed everything is genius these days?

How can food be genius?

Try the fries.

It's good.

It may be great, but it's not genius.

I was just checking you out, man.

Oh,

that was a complete meltdown of the man nerve.

I'm wearing my hairnet.

Safety first.

I hear you.

I'm

gonna go get us some more beers.

Yes, interesting.

Have fun.

Hello, how do you guys hear me?

Light blue.

You look like you bloom to me already.

Are you Eli Petipa?

Yeah.

The 13-year-old freshman?

Well, Eli, I want to have your really, really smart baby.

What makes you think the nine months in your

womb will make the baby really, really stupid?

You think your sperm is too good for my girl or something?

No.

Why do you do this shit?

Because I'm a dick.

Say, my sperm is not worthy of Eve Hansen.

Who's Eve Hansen?

My girlfriend.

You know, the one you were just tanning on?

She's out of your league, pal.

Yeah, I know she's out of my league.

I don't even like girls.

Somebody's fibbing.

What's it like down there?

Awesome.

I've been there a thousand times.

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Say, my sperm is not worthy of Eve Hansen.

Hold on.

I can't hear you.

My ears are blocked.

Yeah!

Have some ebola, asshole.

I'm gonna make this the worst year of your shitty little life.

So are enemies?

Mortal enemies.

Let's drink to it.

Oh, Jesus!

Ow!

Stop!

Remember, I bought the first round.

Yeah.

I've never been so happy.

Happy as can be.

Everything is buzzing.

Like honeybees.

Okay, come on.

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee.

I want a perfect dream.

Nothing is real.

Alright.

Alright.

Nothing else matters but the way I feel.

I don't feel so good.

Really?

It's perfect, Clara.

There's something I want to tell you.

What?

Come closer.

I'm a genius!

I remember my first beer tip.

Ever since I was a little baby, all I ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.

To my spiritual home.

So...

without really trying, I skipped five grades.

Wore all the science fairs.

Got my Mensa card.

But you know what happened?

Harvard rejected me.

They didn't want me.

Well then, screw them.

You don't understand.

It just...

killed me, you know?

You want to know the most...

This is the most awful, humiliating part of the whole entire story.

You still love the bitch?

Yeah.

How'd you know?

If you're gonna puke again, close one eye.

You know that better, right?

Leo, Leo, Leo.

When the room starts to spin, you put one foot on the floor.

Yeah.

Leo?

What?

Leo?

Leo.

Good night.

No, Leo, just... You'll be all right.

Hang in there.

Never mind.

All right, dear.

Check in down the hall.

Harvard's coming?

Good evening, and welcome to Collegiate Mastermind.

The varsity sport of the mind.

Tonight's two contestants are the Whitman Warringhairs...

versus the Harvard Crimson Squad.

First question is a toss-up worth ten points.

The first question.

That should be the first one on the stack.

Okay.

How far can the Queen Mary II travel on one gallon of diesel?

Whitman Warringhairs.

We forfeit.

Incorrect.

No, I mean we forfeit.

You can't forfeit.

We haven't won a match since 1971.

Oh, Harvard to steal.

Six inches.

Six inches is... Correct.

I

caution Harvard at this time for showboating.

Six inches.

Man, if I were on the Whitman team, my dad would send me into the woods to

find the perfect piece of birch to split my ass with.

Hey, there's the little dude.

Thanks for the support, little dude.

What's your name?

Eli.

You the man, Eli.

How old are you?

Thirteen.

Uh-oh.

He's a genius.

Yeah.

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thirteen.

Walking around Harvard with hair like that?

That's badass.

You want a ride back to campus?

To Boston?

Yeah, let's roll.

Yo, Eli, get in.

Or we aren't gonna haze you.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't go to Harvard.

We're freshman year women.

But my soul belongs to Harvard.

Don't worry about it.

The important thing is we part company like men.

Listen to me, you freak.

Ow!

Oh, my God!

Harvard doesn't want your soul.

Your soul is cheap.

And it's mediocre.

Ow, stop!

It's a Whitman soul.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

But

they went on to win that year.

How does that help us right now?

I'm just saying you should learn, you know, perseverance.

That's the tip.

Oh, yeah.

If you didn't know the answer, why did you buzz?

Cause, well, uh... You can't do that.

You don't know.

Don't buzz.

Don't buzz.

Don't buzz.

Hey.

I heard something about you about ringing...

My name is Eli Pettifog.

This is Leo Cerny's last chance at a classy future.

I'm gonna take a nice nap.

He's not afraid to gamble at all on a hole and a ball.

It's the putt.

Oh, it's on the lip.

No, no, no.

It's rolling in.

It's rolling in.

Oh, yes!

Leo Searly takes home $100 million in one-dollar bets.

Hey, how are you?

Can I tell you something super important?

Okay.

Well, this is no teenage stuff.

Don't worry.

This is as grown up as it gets.

Huh?

First, I now hate Harvard with the fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.

That sounds pretty teenage to me.

And I've sworn my life to its destruction.

The entire university?

No, just the college.

I'm only one man.

Second, I'm now the new captain of the

Whitman-Warring-Harris Collegiate Mastermind Team.

Oh, I love that game.

When I was a kid, you know, that's the one with the pegs.

Like, the colored pegs and then you get a combination.

No.

It's a quiz show in which two colleges compete.

They see which one is smart and which one is dumb.

It's like the show Jeopardy with no money.

No money?

Forget the money, Leo.

I've found the instrument of my revenge.

What makes him think he can walk in here and say,

I'm Millie Pettifog and I'm your new captain?

Because none of us walked in and said, I'm your new captain.

The first four digits of pi are 3.141.

What is the billionth digit of pi?

Nine.

Right you are.

Dude.

Here's your bonus.

Assuming Rudolph was in front, how many ways

are there to arrange the other eight reindeer?

40,320.

Right you are.

You're fast, kid.

Dude.

Captain.

Sick, dude.

Viral pandemic.

Sick.

Or not.

Shh.

I'm trying to study.

You should have a package for Eli Pettifog.

Pettifog.

Okay.

P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?

Yeah.

Weird name.

What's it mean?

Okay, here we go.

Pettifog means you bicker over everything.

That's ridiculous.

Second definition.

To practice deception or trickery.

Do you have a package for me and a package for me?

You're not.

There's no package for you, Pettifog.

No lying or complaining.

Okay.

Hey.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah, sure.

It's private.

I understand.

Hey, Mom.

Just calling you to remind you you forgot my birthday again.

It's your birthday?

Yep.

Big one of four.

What's the plan?

Hey, thanks, Leo.

It was really fun.

Happy birthday, Eli!

Faster!

What's wrong with this thing?

Hey, Fuzzy.

That's my favorite machine.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

I wish I can go to Whitman.

There's no mall studies major at Whitman.

I'm not a mall girl.

I only shop at the most exclusive boutiques.

Mm-hmm.

You want a shotgun?

What's a shotgun?

Let me show you.

I know

you have a thing for me.

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you talking about?

I see you checking out my boyish curves.

Come.

Lay down with me.

You wanna know a secret?

Okay.

I've never kissed anyone.

So what?

Neither have I.

I'm worried I might suck at it.

How hard can it be?

I guess something's too important to be easy.

Well, stop squirming.

Are you supposed to be drooling directly into my mouth?

Toss-up.

Which state, in order of entry into the

Union, is Bruce the Boss Springsteen not from?

Whitman.

Not Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland,

South Carolina, New Hampshire, Virginia, New York, North Carolina,

Rhode Island, Vermont, Kentucky, uh...

Keep going.

Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana, Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois,

Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas, Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa,

Wisconsin, California, Minnesota... Fifteen seconds.

Um...

Not Oregon, Kansas, West Virginia, Nevada, Nebraska, Colorado, North Dakota,

South Dakota... Do it, weirdo!

Yeah, do it!

Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska,

North Hawaii.

By God, he's done it.

Nice.

Very nice.

And friggin' conceivable.

Friggin' magnificent.

Friggin'... Friggin'!

I want a piece of your action.

You can't have any of my action.

Do you even know what your action is?

You're the one who started talking about my action.

Your action is blowing people away with your genius and your bizarre charisma.

You're a college star in the making.

My quest is private, Leo.

It's not for other people.

Do you think I should start a blog?

Whoa.

Nice try, Leo.

Hmm?

This jacket is from Sweatshop City.

What are you talking about?

It was hand-stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.

It makes me look like I have old man shoulders.

Man shoulders are a perk.

Oh.

And how come the waist is so tight?

I don't know.

What are you talking about?

It's form-fitting.

It flatters the silhouette.

Oh.

Well, what about the collar?

The jacket's perfect, Eli.

You promise?

Yeah.

Must be why I love it so much.

I hope

you all enjoyed your lunch.

Today we're offering $1,000 to anyone who can stump...

the Whitman Warringhairs Collegiate Mastermind Squad.

Okay.

Perky girl.

Okay, why does he have pubic hair on his head?

Not the sort of question we're looking for.

Next!

But the people want to know.

Don't you want to know?

Yeah!

Okay, the people want to know.

Why does your hair look like down there hair?

It's a great question.

My hair resembles pubic hair because it's designed to protect my brain.

Protect your brain from what?

From stupidity.

You calling me stupid?

They're calling you stupid.

What about you?

I'm calling you stupid, too.

Yeah?

Who will be stupid when I'm eating your brain, Pettyfog?

Grilled with sea salt.

You're gonna grill my brain?

He's gonna grill your brain.

Caveman.

You can't even start a fire.

I'll rub your bones together.

Name one bone.

Your skull bone.

All right, kids.

Come on.

Not a bone.

Thank you very much.

Don't forget to come see the warring hares.

I can take them?

Put me down.

Buster tables.

I want to thank you for benching me.

I've never felt so confident in my life.

What are friends for?

Hey, sexy genius.

Hey, sexy lady with socks.

She's not talking to you.

What are you talking about?

Hey, you teach me.

I'll teach you.

A little quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.

See you at Vassar.

Bye, boys.

It's quid pro quo.

The collegiate mastermind that might be quid pro quo.

But in the game of life, her interpretation is right on the sticky button.

You're so cool.

I think I'm gonna call you the Fog.

Please, don't call me the Fog.

This makes me sad.

Sorry.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Gertrude.

Hi, ladies.

Gertrude.

Where's Leo?

Looks like we got a ride.

Nice.

So sweet.

Awesome.

It's so cool.

Lucky.

Awesome.

You have a bed in this thing?

I like this car.

Nice, isn't it?

It feels kind of like a land couch.

Hey, Leo.

Guess what?

Eli has a groupie.

Shut up, bro.

Jesus Christ.

What's her name?

Eve Hanson.

She's a senior.

She cute?

She looks like Gertrude if you gave her a name.

We're gonna have a blotting hour of money.

Romeo, the only groupie you're ever gonna have is your hand.

That really hurt.

Good.

Buckle up, kids.

Rhino Telexamania is compulsive nose-picking.

Gynecomastia means man boobs.

The naked mole rat is immune to cancer.

Whitman College has won the match.

Oh, we did it.

And for the match... What syndrome does pop star Lily Allen have?

Whitman.

The supernumerary nipple syndrome.

The triple nipple.

Correct.

Abalone is not a musk, but a large marine snail.

That's correct.

Match goes to Whitman College.

The aquatic scrotum resides primarily in Lake Titicaca.

Whitman wins!

Yes!

Warrior!

Warrior!

Hi.

Can you please stay away from me?

Don't worry.

Laird never comes to the library.

I find you fascinating.

No, you don't.

And dangerous.

I'm very safe.

Do I scare you?

Yes, very much.

Well, just try to look past my breasts and everything else and see the real me.

Look past your breasts?

I can't even look at them.

Just...

Right?

Do you need...

I'm not gonna look at them.

Don't worry, Romeo.

We can be Yale.

It's not that.

Well, what is it?

My brother goes to Yale.

Oh, really?

That's a bummer.

It's only because he's a non-threatened Puerto Rican.

I did not get into Yale because my mighty mas macho

terrifies the white man to his balls like raisins.

But it still hurts, you know?

Every night it still hurts.

So you have a smarter brother?

Is he better looking, too?

Yeah, but only a little bit.

Eli?

Can you dedicate this one to Romeo?

He's really hurting back here.

Sure.

This one's for you, big guy.

Good evening.

And welcome to the Yale Bulldogs...

versus the Whitman Warring Hairs.

First question is a toss-up for ten points.

How many names are listed on the Vietnam War Memorial?

58,652.

Wrong.

Whitman for the steel?

58,256.

That is oh-so-right.

Bonus to Whitman.

The memorial is built from black granite.

Where does this granite come from?

Bangalore, India.

Right again.

Toss-up.

Who invented the roulette wheel and why?

French philosopher and mathematician Blaise Pascal

invented roulette for a perpetual motion experiment.

That is oh-so-right.

Bonus to Yale.

Why is roulette called the Devil's Game?

Because all the numbers on the wheel add up to 666.

Correct.

Hello.

Huh?

I'm not kidding.

What's up?

Some girls know about roulette.

Other girls know about the Devil.

But no girl knows about both.

Especially not girls like that.

She's cheating.

How do you know?

Check out the receiver in your seat.

It's right there.

Yeah, I see it.

Someone's feeding you the answers.

I bet she cheated to get into Yale, too.

I bet she took your spot.

Whitman breaking news.

You wanna check her huddle?

Guys, here's your choice.

We can beat them fair and square.

I promise we can.

Or we can put an eternal stain on their lives.

It's your call.

Yale's your white whale.

Eternal stain.

Alright, just be cool.

I can't be cool.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no,

I know you saw that sign.

Yeah, I saw it.

Here we are at Harvard.

The smartest place on earth.

This is the freshman dorm at Adam's house.

Some of the rooms have fireplaces.

Get over it.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

What's the high score in this machine?

The flavor is disappearing.

Can you put on some more?

I have cherry too.

No, this is the one.

This is definitely the one.

Really good kisser, Eli.

Thanks.

I can't do this all day.

I'll just sleep somewhere else.

Like where?

Like my neck.

What about your neck?

Kiss it.

Okay.

It looks so good.

And now the other side.

Okay.

Eli?

Yeah?

Do you have a roommate?

No.

You shouldn't invite me over.

You know.

Me being on campus might make me into a crazy woman.

Did you know that every time you recall a memory,

you're making the whole thing up from scratch?

It's ridiculous.

My memories are exactly the same every time.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, what was I wearing when we met?

Nothing.

Come on.

I'm trying to do science here.

Don't you need test tubes or something like that?

What color lipstick did your wife wear at your wedding?

How did you know that I was married?

It's written all over you.

Divorced guy goes to college.

Not a good look, is it?

It's not a look.

It's a life.

Okay.

Wanna go back to my room?

Sure.

I still have 20 more pages before we have a sex break.

Okay.

Fine.

No highlighting.

No looking stuff up.

No dog-earing pages.

Deal.

Deal.

Divorce is sexy.

Really?

Yeah.

As long as you don't have any brats running around you.

Uh...

Yo.

Laird wants a truce.

He's all...

...fruity for you or something.

A truce, huh?

Okay.

Take this.

You need it.

Laird!

Steady, boss!

Tell me we're going to be Princeton.

We're gonna be Princeton.

Tell me we're going to the Final Four.

Final Four?

We're going all the way.

Did you just promise me a national championship?

I'm guaranteeing it.

I believe you, Hila.

I believe that you can restore me.

I believe you can restore our glory to Whitman Athletics and make us whole again.

Yeah, I promise.

But if you fail, I will make you retarded with my fist.

Okay.

I'm gonna make this the worst year of your shitty little life.

But if you fail, I will make you retarded with my fist.

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

I'm Eli Pettyfog.

Ask me anything.

We're not dumb!

Yo, that's total commitment.

What are you talking about?

Pettyfog.

He named it.

Let me see that.

Oh, please.

That's Kiss.

We're the Beatles.

Tiger!

Tiger!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We make it to the last one.

Rubin.

The father won't kill me.

69 team lost to Princeton.

Good

evening and welcome to Collegiate Mastermind by Whitman County.

All right.

The first question is a toss-up worth ten points.

Which president created a company slogan by describing a certain brand of coffee as

being good to the last drop?

Teddy Roosevelt.

Correct.

Here's your bonus.

In Italy, what is the average age of a barista?

Forty-eight.

Nicely done.

Toss-up now.

What is the longest word ever used by a presidential press secretary?

Fluxinoxonihillipillification.

That's the word.

Here's your bonus.

What is the longest word in the English language

whose letters can be played on the piano?

Cabbage.

Musical.

Toss-up.

How much money did Abraham Lincoln have in

his pocket at the time of his assassination?

Five dollars in Confederate money.

Nice shot, Whitman.

All the way to the back.

Here's your bonus.

What is the average lifespan of a U.S.

dollar in circulation?

Eighteen months.

Correct.

Such an intense bloat.

It's all the coaching.

Toss-up.

Who wrote Fart Proudly?

Benjamin Franklin.

Exactly.

Nostalgie de la boule.

Bingo.

Twenty-eight thousand, four hundred and twenty.

Well done.

Bella Abzug.

The Stockholm Syndrome.

The number one.

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour.

On average, right-handed people live nine years longer than left-handed people.

Mike Huckabee.

The mainland tiger snake.

The two presidents whose names contain the letters that form criminal are Richard

Milhous Nixon and William Jefferson Clinton.

If Barbie were life-size, she would stand seven feet, two inches.

It is a tight race, and if I do say so myself.

61.

This final question will determine which team will go to the final four.

Teams, set your buzzers.

Who first said Elvis has left the building?

Whitman.

Horace Lee Logan.

Holy shit, that's right.

Yes!

The first sentence is... The first sentence is...

The first sentence is... The first sentence is... The first sentence is...

The first sentence is... The first sentence is... The first sentence is...

The first sentence is... The first sentence is... The first sentence is...

The first sentence is... The first sentence is... Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get over the line.

Yo.

Yo.

Yo!

Yo!

Hey, Pettyfog.

I registered mail.

You know what, Pettyfog?

You're no Pettyfog.

You're an angel of knowledge with a kinky halo.

Saw you the other night.

Awesome.

Thanks.

Hey, Pettyfog.

Hi-yah!

Oh, shit!

...to the academic building.

And the first thing we're gonna do... Question.

What is the student bathroom ratio on this campus?

Sophie?

Yes?

Who are you?

Um...

I'm Leo Surly.

My bio dad?

Your father.

No.

That's my father.

Don't tell me you're a professor here.

No.

Uh, yes.

I'm not tenured yet.

Well, it's a... You left when I was seven.

And now you're teaching at my top college choice?

You're ruining my life all over again.

And you don't even care that you're ruining my life.

All you care about is Leo Surly.

Three-time loser and pathetic Peter Pan.

So... So... Sophie, just give me the chance.

She ain't here, fuzzy.

Read it.

Read the letter.

Collegiate Mastermind.

Dear Eli Pettifog, the Collegiate Mastermind committee hereby suspends you

from the semifinal match of this year's Final Four for Actions Unbecoming.

La la buzz section 4 code 93 you're not even allowed in the building.

Is this for real?

Yes, it's for real.

This is your fault, Leo.

You got me the team jackets.

You got me the van.

You made me popular.

How could you do those things?

I knew I shouldn't have enrolled you in karate classes.

That's typical Leo Surly sarcasm.

You just don't care about anyone or anything.

Jesus Christ, I can't believe this is happening.

I had Harvard dangling over the falls, Leo.

You have to do something about this.

You have to go to the Collegiate Mastermind

headquarters and you have to set them straight.

I can't do that.

Why not?

You just burst into their offices you tell them you're my

father and they're messing with my destiny or something.

You know there are some things that you just can't change.

I thought you were afraid to talk to me.

I've been suspended from the semifinal match.

For karate?

You idiot.

No.

But they never even warned me.

I really hope you consider coming to Whitman.

You're a wonderful candidate.

Thank you so much.

Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe you're the patsy in all this?

If I was set up, why would I be set up?

Look, they used you to bring attention to the mastermind, but at the end of the day

they were never going to let you in.

You're collegiate white trash.

You're even more paranoid than I am.

I think this happened all the time.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

I've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing here?

Um, I just finished my interview and then the campus tour.

Now I'm in the library, which is awesome.

I'm a little bit confused.

Are you applying for an after school job or something?

No.

I'm applying as a student to Whitman College, Eli.

I thought you were 15.

Have you been lying to me about your age?

I... I am 15 and I'm a high school senior.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

Because I thought you wouldn't like it.

And...

Why didn't you tell me about the collegiate mastermind?

Hmm?

Is it because you wanted to keep your townie

girlfriend as far away from your real life as you can?

I'm a townie too, you know.

Then act like one.

You better go get her, Eli.

Girls like that don't grow in chat rooms.

And brush your hair.

And we can sing the same songs into the sky.

Good shot.

Hey, Leo.

How are your testicles?

I'll get in there.

Petty fog.

Petty fog.

Petty fog.

Dude, I am one gloomy dick.

Petty fog.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

You got suspended.

We're gonna lose.

Where'd you hear that?

Everywhere.

That's not true.

It's not?

No.

It's...

It's a ruse to lull the opponent into a false sense of security.

Nobody knows but you and me.

That's ingenious.

So, still guarantee complete annihilation and total victory?

100%.

How about another 10?

That's 110%.

There's no such thing.

I don't care.

Sophie?

This was the car you were gonna teach me to drive in.

Well, why don't we do that right now?

I already know how to drive.

You know I'm not really a professor here.

Right?

I know.

You're a freshman.

Which is 50-50.

Creepy to cool.

I was sure you hated me.

I did.

Until I saw you.

But you're such a lost goofball.

I can't help but not hate you.

So you feel sorry for me?

Yeah.

Well, that's sweet.

Are you thinking of coming to Whitman?

How would you feel about that?

I mean, it could be weird.

Well, I'm thrilled that my daughter is following after her scholarly father.

What kind of grade did you get?

Straight A's.

Yeah?

It's no big deal.

It's public school.

Still?

That's great.

Straight A's.

Can you afford it?

No.

Can't afford it.

Well, you know, maybe there's something I can do to help you out tuition-wise.

Are you serious?

You would do that?

Yeah.

I'm not making any promises.

But I'll see what I can do.

Um...

I didn't come here for that, you know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

Excuse me.

Come here.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Can I come in?

Yeah, why can't you see me anymore?

Well, because I just ran into my daughter and I haven't seen her in a long time.

And it's just a little bit creepy because she kind of looks like... you get it?

That is so psychological.

Some kind of pathological narcissistic father-daughter disorder or something.

Well, thanks very much.

And I'll see you around campus.

You sure you don't want to hang out and study for a while?

Well, um...

Gosh, I'm gonna go.

Leo?

What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, Benny.

How are you?

Well, I've got a lot of things I could complain

about, but I try to only say good things.

So, all right.

What's up with you?

I'm here to place a bet, Benny.

Leo, you know that I'll never take your bet.

Not ever.

What kind of bookie doesn't take a bet?

The kind who feels guilty for ruining your life.

But this is a good bet.

It's a bet with conscience.

Look, I'm sorry.

All right, Leo.

Can't do it.

Benny, take my bet.

Would you please get up off the ground?

The sight of you down there is very disturbing to me.

I'm not getting up until you take my bet.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-uh.

Really?

I'm not getting up until you get out of here.

You understand?

Look at you, Benny.

You're on your knees in your own office.

Look at you.

You're begging me to ruin your life all over again.

Trying to pay for my daughter's tuition.

Yeah?

Do you have any idea how much it costs to go to college these days?

I don't know.

Like... like 20 grand?

Try 50 large.

50 large?

Yeah.

Who the hell can afford that?

I got 25.

If I double it, then Sophie can go to school for a year.

All right.

What's the bet?

Harvard to take it all.

Harvard?

What are they gonna win?

Collegiate Mastermind.

The hell is Collegiate Mastermind?

Well, it's kind of like Jeopardy, but without the money.

No money?

What's the point?

You are going to win the Collegiate Mastermind National Championship.

Say it.

You are going to win the Collegiate Mastermind National... Stop.

Stop.

Not me.

You.

Please say it again.

How can we win the Collegiate Mastermind National Championship when we haven't

answered one single question during the whole season?

Well, you didn't answer the questions, but you knew the answers, right?

I didn't.

Not even one third of the answers?

One out of every three questions?

I did.

I knew about a third.

Yeah, I guess I did too.

Okay, and Alan knew the other third.

So the three of you guys make up one of me.

Look at your pussies!

You guys are total pussies!

And pussies need balls.

So get some balls, guys!

Can you seriously picture Alan with balls?

Eli!

Eli!

Alan?

Up here, Eli.

Last night, I had a dream.

At the Poughkeepsie Music Hall.

Poughkeepsie, New York.

Semi-final match.

The Final Four.

I was nailing question after question.

How did it end?

Your triumph?

Oh.

It ended when I mutated into a rabbit.

And shitted all over the stage.

You weren't a rabbit, you idiot.

You were all warring hair.

Really?

Yes.

What does this shit sing about?

Purging of your doubts.

Man.

I got a lot of doubts.

I was gonna burn it.

Turn

off the municipal water system.

Cause Harvard's burning.

Something smells good.

Cause Harvard's burning.

I'm alive.

You're not here.

Look at how I'm nervous.

I'm gonna try and get in anyway.

Good luck to us all.

Warren Harris from Leafy Whitman College.

Sir.

Sir Lee Leo.

Pettifog.

I can't let you in the building until after the semi-finals.

What are you talking about?

He's the best.

What are you talking about?

I'll watch the guys.

Can't let you in.

Sorry.

Something very different about you this year.

My mustache came in.

Mustache is in.

Something that I can't quite run my fingers through.

Nope.

We're on guys.

Spencer.

I'm sorry.

Here we go.

Hello everybody and welcome.

We're coming to you live for the final four of the... We have arrived.

You know Shrek's wife Fiona?

I bet her hoo-ha looks just like this.

Why'd it take you so long to say something romantic?

Hey guys.

Let's bring it in.

Into a square.

Circle, triangle, whatever.

I guess up instead of Eli?

In my own way.

You made it to the final four.

You're already winners.

Right?

Right?

Right?

Right.

Let's take a moment to cherish that.

This is something that you're going to share with your children.

The foundation of good character is based on losing.

In fact, what makes a good winner is a good loser.

What's the difference between winning and losing?

Except joy and pain.

So let's go out there with our heads held high and lose one.

In that old Whitman style.

We're coming to you live from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall.

What a beautiful venue this is.

Gorgeous down here.

Where the Stanford Cardinal will be taking on the...

Whitman Warringhairs of Whitman College.

Who are playing without their star, Eli Pettifog, who is... He's been suspended.

He's been suspended one game for showboating.

He's going to be back if they advance to the finals.

What's up with this guy?

The Whitman thong is itching me something fierce.

Does anybody have tickets?

I really need tickets.

Shit!

Shit.

Why were you acting so creepy in the library?

I don't know.

Why were you acting so creepy in the library?

Just...

I just came over to write.

Just...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

I...

Oh!

I have a glass.

No, screw the lip gloss, okay?

Yo, good luck, Stanford!

Remember, guys, even without Pettifog, the hares are still dangerous.

Bullshit.

Without Pettifog, they can't even spell Pettifog.

Hey, watch the karma violation.

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.

You come and go.

You come and go.

You come and go.

Oh, shit.

That's it.

Stanford Cardinal.

Please report backstage to check in.

Final call.

Final call, Stanford Cardinal.

We're currently waiting for the Stanford Cardinal to arrive.

I think it's a mind game.

I think what Stanford's doing is a mind game.

I think they're just trying to upset these Whitman warring hares by not showing up.

I think it's bad karma.

I don't know where they are.

I saw them in the hotel this morning at breakfast.

A little bleary-eyed, probably from studying and slash or partying.

They did last night, but they look great, these kids.

We all shared some of the cottage cheese.

They got a bowl of cottage cheese there.

Put some sugar on it yourself.

Grab yourself a pineapple ring and put the cottage cheese on there and load that

sucker with sugar and have yourself some delicious

French roast that they have at the continental breakfast.

A croissant, maybe.

Do not let them get into your head, Gertrude.

The match should have started 20 minutes ago.

Those Stanford fools are driving me crazy.

Good afternoon, Whitman.

The Stanford Cardinals have failed to appear and are disqualified.

Congratulations.

You advanced to the finals.

Benny Greenberg.

Hi, Benny.

It's me, it's Leo.

It would really be good if I could talk to you.

Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom like here?

Cut it out, you jerk.

Okay?

Seriously, we're about to play the match of our lives.

What should we do?

Well, practice celebrating.

Create a mental picture of Harvard lying on the stage.

You know, they're crying.

They're fouling their pants.

They're bleeding from their ears.

And you all are gyrating obscenely over their fallen bodies.

Okay?

I want some pie.

Do you want some pie?

Yeah.

Do you want blueberry?

Awesome peach one.

Banana.

I actually have to pee.

Oh.

You're over there.

Vivimus vivamus.

While we live, let's live.

Porcelain Club.

Harvard's most secret society.

Members often call it the PC.

And the pork.

I'm not a member, so I just call it the Porcelain Club.

Nobody is a member until they become a member.

But once a member, always a member.

Like an alma mater.

Only much, much better.

Maybe next time around.

Look at me, Eli.

There is no next time around.

If you let Harvard win, I can make you a Harvard student.

Consider it.

He said that if I take a dive in the final

match, I go to Harvard on a full scholarship.

Does that include a graduate degree?

Who needs a graduate degree?

What's your answer?

I didn't have one.

I still don't have one.

I gotta go.

Just don't follow me.

Don't try to find me.

I'm job reading.

I'm job reading.

No, no.

Now it's like this.

Your rice in my beans, baby.

Hey, is Eli back?

You guys don't know where he is?

Is something wrong?

Everything's fine.

He's probably just getting in the zone all by himself.

What's going on?

What's going on?

What?

He's obviously not here.

I know he's not here.

So let's go.

Let's go.

Katie!

Eli?

Eli.

Eli!

We should go back and wait for him in the dressing room.

What are you talking about?

He's not going to the dressing room.

He could be anywhere.

We are live in Poughkeepsie, New York for the 49th

annual Collegiate Mastermind Tournament Championship.

And right off the bat, we have a shocker.

Oh boy.

Whitman College's star player, Eli Pettifog is a no-show.

I think that their chances have gone from long shot to no shot here against the

Harvard Crimson ruling elite.

What are you doing, Eli?

Eli.

He can't talk.

But his Lego skills are ridiculous.

Hmm.

Come on, let's go.

The match is starting.

Keep on building.

Holy shit.

No Pettifog.

Oh no.

I forgot to go to the bathroom.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to this year's Collegiate Mastermind Championship match.

Featuring the Harvard Crimson.

Against the Whitman Waring Hare.

The first question is a toss-up.

When was the stethoscope invented?

And by whom?

1816 by René Théophile-Hyacinthe Leinec.

That is right.

Here's your bonus.

Despite her French-sounding name, Marie Curie was from what country?

Poland.

That is right.

Here's a toss-up.

Who was the only Major League pitcher to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?

Doc Ellis.

That is correct.

You Pettifog!

Here's your bonus.

What was the last country to stop legally producing LSD?

Czechoslovakia in 1975.

That is right.

This humiliation is going to go viral.

It was Michigan in the semifinals and now it is the young plucky band of kids from

Whitman College who are feeling Harvard's wrath.

It's not pretty out there.

I didn't think they had a chance from the beginning,

but now this sad Cinderella story is coming to a close.

Eli?

Eli!

Excuse me.

I made the decision that is going to determine my future and yours.

I reject friendship, I reject love, and I reject collegiate mastermind.

Iron Chef Michael Simon attended which Cleveland area high school?

St. Edward High School in Lakewood.

That is right.

I think the cookie buzzers don't work.

Toss-up.

What animal is incapable of seeing the sky?

I take it back.

Five seconds, Whitman.

Something in my head is saying cajon, cajon, cajon.

What the hell is cajon?

It's a pig.

The pig!

That is right.

Here's your bonus.

These ancient people were sometimes accompanied

to the grave with their herds of pigs.

The southern white quacker loves his swine.

The quacker is an ancient.

Polish people are true pig lovers.

The Chinese.

That is correct.

Uh-oh.

The

ugliest sight in the world is the sight of simple people being happy.

Toss-up.

What ill-fated computer platform was released on the 23rd of April, 1983?

The Apple III.

That is right.

How did you know that?

I didn't know I did.

Here's your bonus.

Who was the forgotten founder of Apple, and what

was his greatest contribution to the company?

Ron Wayne.

He designed the first logo.

You nailed it.

Wow.

A sign of life from these Whitman hairs.

Now, I think it's going to be too little, too late, Spencer.

Coming up on the two-minute warning, and I think Whitman's fate is all but sealed.

Let's not get too excited yet.

Harvard's been answering questions like this for five, six hundred years.

It's all over.

They could beat Harvard without you.

Toss-up.

Who performed the only instrumental song to have been banned from American radio,

and what was the name of the song?

Holy spastication.

Oh!

Down and out.

I'll tell you what, that's the most exciting

moment of Collegiate Mastermind history, that is.

Wow, let's do that again.

Tim, here he goes.

Hold it.

Wait for it.

He's going to clip the podium right.

Oh!

Oh, man, that's going to shave a few points off the old GPA.

Oh, don't you know it.

He is a bleeder, that little kid.

That's smarty.

Ladies and gentlemen, a member of the Whitman side has sustained a serious injury.

Whitman has three minutes to produce their alternate.

You're now the alternate, Eli.

If you're not on that stage in three minutes, Whitman will be disqualified.

I'll stay where you are, Eli.

The king always needs his castle.

I put it in context.

How long have you dreamed of going to Harvard?

My whole life.

How long have you dreamed of beating Harvard?

You're going to have to honor the big dream, Eli.

Yeah.

Wait, what the hell are you doing?

I mean, do you really want to screw your school, your team, and your friends?

Get some balls, Eli.

And go out there and win it.

She's right.

How's your brain feeling?

I can't do this.

Get out there.

I don't know what the fuck else to do, guys.

Things just got interesting.

Eli Pettifong, the Whitman Hairstyle player, just stepped onto the stage.

That boy has not missed a question all season long.

He has got brains.

Yes.

He's got hair.

Who the hell are you playing?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Whitman has produced their alternate.

So let's resume.

Betty here.

Betty, it's me.

It's Leo.

Yeah?

I want to take the bet back.

The Harvard bet?

Leo, I never put the bet through.

It doesn't exist.

You should be thanking me.

Hey, Leo.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Betty.

Toss-up.

Who said a whale ship was my Yale College and my Harvard?

I can't.

You better.

Five seconds.

Come on, guys.

I want to say Melville.

Then say it.

Herman Melville.

That is right.

For your bonus, at the time of his death, Herman Melville was so obscure,

the New York Times misidentified him in his obituary.

I know this.

What name did they use?

Henry Melville.

That is right.

Oh!

Yeah!

We have a tie score.

I can't believe they're tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're tied with Harvard.

This next question will determine the championship.

Toss-up.

Iceland and England broke off diplomatic relations in 1976.

What dispute caused the split?

Do you know?

No.

20 seconds.

Dude, come on, Eli.

Set yourself free, man.

10 seconds.

Fishing.

Rights.

That is...

right!

Yeah!

Oh, it's unbelievable!

Harvard goes down!

Harvard goes down!

The Whitman-Warringhams are this year's champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.

We did it, you guys.

Oh, my God!

We're the greatest athlete Whitman will ever have!

Go to the league office and tell them we're getting the shaft.

They wrote a whole rule book for moments like this.

How many stitches did you get?

Seven.

Can I take them out when they're ready?

Yeah.

Nice brain.

You see this brain?

Yeah.

My left ball is bigger than this brain.

That's why you're so artistic.

Oh, God.

Woo!

Huh?

Huh?

Jordan, get a picture.

Speech!

Speech!

Speech!

Stop, stop.

I'll do a speech.

I'll do a speech.

I'll do a speech.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I, uh, I'm afraid I have some unpleasant business regarding today's final.

According to Rule 324 of the book of Collegiate Mastermind, an injured player

cannot be replaced with less than one minute remaining in a match.

The team must complete the match with two players.

Today, Whitman College broke that rule.

I'm sorry to have to tell you that Harvard College

is this year's Collegiate Mastermind Champion.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

We all know what happened today.

We beat Harvard fair and square.

But they stole it from us.

Do you know why?

Because they fear us.

We're the beautiful bums.

We're the people's champions.

So let us be history's secret.

... ...

A little pause...

and we are back.

Are you sure you can do this?

I'm not even a student yet.

Don't worry.

You're with me.

Leo?

Leo?

Where's it going?

Let's go down.

Hey, Leo!

Where are you going?

Going back to being a civilian.

You're not a civilian.

I'm gonna get a job.

I'm gonna pay for my daughter's education.

And I'm gonna find an age-appropriate fox.

Did I mean that?

It's been a pleasure making bad decisions with you.

I'll miss you too.

Take care.

Cut your hair.

Thank you.

You can see it in the way that you still run through the canyon When you're trying

really hard not to speak It's not your fault It's the ghosts that you keep And

they tell you to run Please don't cut your hair.

Of course I won't.

It protects my brain.

What did you say?

Nothing.

So stay for not today.

So stay for not birthday.

What do you think the future of this Whitman team will be?

I think the sky's the limit for these fine young kids.

I think I see a lot of big jobs in their future.

I see maybe perhaps a couple internet startups.

I see a Nobel Prize or two.

I see some trash collection.

Some of them are expecting work, some of them obviously they're not going

to excel like the others, some of them brains are too much, they're going to

waste it, there's going to be some drug problems, but by and large I see a lot of

these kids making it big if they don't, you know, hit the pipe.

Well that's all from Poughkeepsie.

You keep learning, America.

You do it.

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