Original subtitles

- Oh, no, he's down again.

Julian, get up, honey.

You're okay.

- All right, let's go, boys. - That's a good kid.

Hurry up. - Looking good out there.

- It's so sad about that woman.

The yoga teacher.

- What? What happened?

- You didn't hear?

She was killed last night.

In her own home.

- My God, that's so scary!

Do they know who did it?

- I heard a neighbor saw someone leaving her house.

They said it was a bagger at the Eagle.

- Wait, what?

I was just there!

- I know, I'm there every day.

He must've bagged my groceries 500 times.

- Oh, it's so crazy to think about.

I'm sure I have groceries in my cupboards

that he touched.

- I bet I have some in my trunk.

- How old was she?

- Late twenties, I think.

Cheryl, Cheryl something.

She opened that yoga studio.

Did you know her?

- Oh, no.

I've just really been wanting to start doing yoga.

- Me, too.

- Hm.

- Oh, my gosh, I didn't even notice.

You have a new baby.

- Oh, yeah, isn't she cute?

We wanted to try something new.

- She's so cute, I love her.

- Lisa, do you want her?

- What?

No, I couldn't.

She's your baby.

- Oh, Lisa, you can have her, she's great.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I am sure.

Take her, she's yours now.

- Oh!

I don't know, Jill, she seems like she wants you.

- Oh, we've just bonded.

I've been her mom since she was born.

She just has to get used to you.

- Of course.

I love her.

Thank you so much.

- Enjoy.

What you have to understand, sweetheart

is when you fall down, it slows the whole game down.

- What happened to the baby?

- Oh, I gave her to Lisa.

And, listen, honey, let's not mention to your dad

how you fell down again today.

It'll just be our little secret.

- Can't I just sleep in Madison's crib?

- No.

- You know when we stopped by the Eagle

for some brats on our way over.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

There were cops everywhere.

I guess they were waiting to see

if that bagger showed up for work.

You know, the bagger murderer?

- Uh-huh.

Did he?

- No.

- Phew! - There you are.

- Hey, we were just talking.

Why don't you guys come over and swim after the party?

The pool's finally up and running.

- Yeah, we'll fire up the grill.

- Fun!

Oh, but, honey, we don't have our suits.

- We'll swing by the house.

- Hm.

- Lisa, you're back!

- Hi, Marriott.

Yeah, back to the grind.

- Everyone's devouring the canapés you brought, Jill.

- Oh, good!

- They're so small.

I don't know how you did it.

- Oh, it was easy.

- Do people like my peas?

- Oh, you know, I saw those.

I don't think anyone's had a chance to try them yet.

- Oh.

- Happy birthday, Raja.

- Come on, mama, it's time.

- Okay, honey.

Hey, listen, you ladies ought to come up.

They're, giving the moms a go at the piñata.

- Oh, fun, we'll be right there.

Okay, honey, I'll be right back.

Wait a second.

Wrong husbands.

- Oh, my God!

- Dosey-doe.

Dosey-doe.

- Lisa, you kiss like you're French.

- Hi, honey. - Hey.

- I was confused because your husband

is holding my old baby.

- Oh, how is Madison?

- Oh, Paige.

It's Paige now.

- Oh.

Paige.

Like a knight's squire.

- A noble page.

- Ah!

- Oh, dear.

I don't know.

You were here first.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I wasn't first.

I'm never a first.

No.

I'm gonna go check on the pool.

- Okay.

What?

Julian.

Funny.

Come here, baby.

Oranges, mm!

Oranges are funny.

- Hello, beautiful bakers.

This week's challenge was the baked Alaska.

Now, some of your cakes would make

the Alaskan people proud and some would not.

You'll be judged on both the height of the cake

and the heat of the flame.

And now,

I would like each of you to step in front

of the cake to your right.

Oh, excuse me, Brigitta,

there's no cake to my right unless,

this is my left.

- Penelope, you'll go to Georgie's cake.

Thank you.

And now, the cake that you're standing in front of

is the cake you will be judged on!

- No!

- Yes.

Absolutely, yes, Penelope.

- Julian, try this! - Shh!

Jill, try this!

- What?

Take a sip of the water.

You like it?

- Sure.

- It's from the pool.

- Oh.

- It's the new filtration system.

It's all oxygenated, no more chlorine.

It's pure, baby, you can drink it.

- Oh, that's great.

- Yeah, I think I prefer it.

- To swimming in chlorine?

- No!

To regular water.

I mean, it's delicious, right?

- Sure, it's good water.

- Yeah.

Honey, are you wearing panties around your neck?

- Yes.

- Oh.

What?

- Sorry.

- What is it?

- I just can't stop thinking about Madison.

- Paige.

You mean, Paige?

- Oh, yeah, right.

It was just really nice to see her today.

- Yeah, well, we used to see her every day.

- Are you mad?

- Huh?

- Are you mad that I gave our baby to Lisa?

- Next time can you just talk to me first?

- Oh!

Yes. - Okay.

Yes, yeah.

- Ooh, tacos?

- Oh, no, It's a Mexican meat pie.

- I don't know what that is.

- That was Nancy on the phone.

She says she went over to the nursing home on Tuesday

and mom wasn't in her room.

She was in the cafeteria, mopping.

- One second, Dennis.

- And remember mom's roommate, the seamstress?

They had her disinfecting the toilet in the common room.

- Corn on the cob?

- Bob wanted it.

- Ugh!

- I'll cut the corn off.

Anyway, Nancy and her new husband,

they went over there this morning

during mom's exercise hour

and, apparently, they had the whole group out

power washing the sun deck.

Now, I told Nancy, power washing

could be considered exercise,

but she made a really good point.

It does seem like they fired the entire janitorial staff.

And you know, Nancy's new husband,

he's an executive, you know?

You know?

Well, he thinks that if the nursing home

is making the residence clean,

they should pay them for that.

Lisa?

Lisa? - What?

- Lisa? - What?

- Do you think mom's being exploited?

- Do you think grandma's being exploited?

- Bob, don't play with that garbage.

- I'm making a corn-husk doll.

Yeesh.

- What?

- It's a little scary.

- You're not scary to me.

- Well, it'll be 20 more minutes on the goulash.

Bob, why don't you practice your saxophone now

so that you don't have to do it before bed?

- No!

Honey.

- Sorry, it's just my head.

Oh, yeah, you should practice.

- You should practice, Bob.

Your big concert is tomorrow.

- I just want one free night.

Bob.

Fine.

- You spilled some milk.

- Can you clean it up?

There's a rag right there.

- Oh hi, Jill.

- Hi, Buck.

How are you?

- Good, thanks.

Real good.

- Mom, are you letting dad take the globe?

- Mm-mm, hide it.

- No, mom.

- Citronella.

- Fine.

- Hi, Kim Ann.

I am so sorry to drop in.

- Oh, sit, I made lemonade.

We're watching.

- I had no idea

Buck was moving out today.

- Does anybody know?

You can tell people.

I feel like no one knows.

- Okay.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

- I'm pretty sure they don't.

- Hm.

Oh, I brought you a taco dip.

- Seven layer?

- It's a five.

- Oh.

Put it on the floor.

Just put it.

- Okay. - That's good.

Have some lemonade.

- Thanks.

- Come on!

- Dan! No!

You be nice to your brother.

He's small because of you.

Right?

Dan sat on Rostaffano in the womb.

You knew that, right?

- Yeah, I do.

- He was born blue.

- Yeah, I know that.

Listen, Kim Ann, I wanna get out of your hair.

I just wanted to check on you.

- Okay, I figured you were here to buy some knives.

- Oh.

- You know, since you missed my last Elizabeth Knives party.

- Oh, sorry, yeah.

No, but I could buy some knives today.

I do have my checkbook.

- Okay, that would be great.

- Okay.

- But I won't be able to give you the friends

and family discount.

Oh, no?

- Yeah.

- Oh!

- Kim Ann?

- Hm?

- You would tell me if I did something to upset you, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- You did something to upset me.

- I did?

- Honestly, I just can't believe everything

that happened with your baby.

- Oh.

- You just gave your baby to Lisa.

That's really fucked up, Jill.

- I know.

- I think I made a horrible mistake.

- Yeah.

Why would you give your baby to Lisa and not me?

- Oh, I'm so sorry, Kim Ann.

I wasn't thinking, you know?

I hadn't planned on giving my baby away at all.

- Well...

- You know, if it makes you feel any better,

I really miss Madison.

Paige.

- You know, I would've kept her name Madison

if you had given her to me.

That was my mother's name.

- I know, that's who I named her after.

- No. Really?

Oh, my God!

Aw.

- Daddy, daddy, take me!

There's no time for you!

- Buck! No, wrong!

Buck, drop him.

- I'm just saying goodbye!

- Leave him.

Leave him!

- I'm just saying goodbye.

- Okay, bye!

Goodbye, wave bye.

Let's go, let's go, come on.

Are you okay?

- Hey, do you have a reservation here?

- Yes, it should be under Davies.

- No, I made the reservation.

Wetbottom, table for four.

- Wetbottom?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Hm. - Yeah.

- It's getting dark so early this year.

- Oh, I know, I feel like this time last year

it was not this dark.

- Yeah, it used to be more bright.

- Yes. - Uh-uh, no, thank you.

I brought my own.

I don't drink that stuff.

- Oh, Lisa, I meant to tell you.

Julian's not gonna be able to take that manners class

after school anymore.

- What, I don't want Bob to be the only boy.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Julian's not finishing up at school until four now.

- He's in school till four, like, detention?

- No!

No, no, no, no.

He's in that accelerated math program.

- Rocket Math. - Mm-hmm.

- Rocket Math?

Yeah.

- Well, good for him.

- I'll just sign Bob up.

I feel like I never even heard of that.

Rocket Math.

Yeah, no.

- I don't know, Lisa.

Bob keeps saying he thinks he's spread too thin.

- Well, I actually think the kids tested into it.

- What test?

Bob never took that test.

- Oh, I think it was the state test.

The one they took in April.

- Hm.

Bob did take that test.

Remember, Lisa, he did average.

Here, why don't you go ahead and have some?

- I think you have a little lipstick.

- Shit!

- Mmm.

- Right.

- No, it's still there.

It's still there?

- Oh.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

- It's okay.

- Are you sure?

- It's fine.

- You're not gonna tell?

- No.

- Oh, Jill, honey, I think you had the

- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, oh, okay.

- Bob Wetbottom, everyone.

It's a real classic, thank you.

Up next we've got

Julian Davies playing the same song.

- I don't understand, we practiced

"Yankee Doodle" all week.

- I didn't want to play that.

- That doesn't matter.

You were supposed to.

You embarrassed us.

That was humiliating.

- I wrote that.

- No more piano lessons for Julian.

- But I love piano.

That was humiliating!

- Have you gotten Nick anything for his 40th?

- Not yet.

I figured we'd give him one of those bottles of wine

we got in Cincinnati.

That doesn't seem very personal.

You know, you don't need to do that every night, Bob.

You're losing most of those teeth.

- Well, these are my favorite gums.

- You sounded really good tonight, Bob.

And you know that's one of my favorite songs.

- It's like I hear it in my head

and it just comes out so different.

- That's okay, kiddo.

Your fingers are still growing.

- Music isn't for everyone.

- What?

- Maybe saxophone just isn't your thing.

- It wasn't that bad.

- Hm.

- I was better than Julian.

Julian can't even read sheet music.

- I thought Julian's performance was unique.

- Unique?

- Mhmm, Beethoven couldn't read sheet music.

Neither could Moby.

I met him.

- We met him.

- And, of course, let me know if any of your parents

don't want you going on the field trip.

- Ms. Human, our parents are getting divorced.

- They are?

- Yes.

- We're supposed to tell people.

- Oh, okay.

Now I know.

All of you who didn't turn in your permission slips

make sure that you do so by Friday

or you will not be going to the Prairie Museum.

Now, many of the settlers who moved west

left behind good lives, because they thought

"Hm, maybe I could have a better life."

They left behind everything they couldn't fit

in their covered wagons.

Families, friends, churches they loved, big beds.

You all have an outline of a wagon in front of you.

If you had to pick up and move tomorrow

what would you bring in your wagons?

- Bob, you wanna be in my wagon?

- No.

- I'll be right back.

Hi.

- Hi, Ms. Human.

There's undies here, too.

I brought extra for his cubby.

I'm sorry, I thought I gave you extra before.

- You did.

- Oh, okay.

I'm really sorry.

- Okay.

- And, Ms. Human?

The next time this happens

can you please not call my husband's office?

- Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Hey, he soiled the beanbag chair.

Oh?

- Yeah, it's stained.

- The beanbag chair?

- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, let me take the cover home, I'll wash it.

- The beans are loose inside.

- Oh, okay.

I'll replace it.

- It's not really replaceable.

My mother made it before she killed my father.

- Oh.

- And my brother.

And my sister, too.

- Oh, that's right.

I'm so sorry, that's awful.

- I know.

- Okay.

- Thanks for the undies.

- Oh.

Oh, thanks.

Marriott, hi.

Are you playing tennis today?

- Hi, Jill, no.

Are you going to some kind of pie event?

- No.

- Well, nice to see you.

- Wait, Marriott.

I wanted to say,

you should bring Raja over to swim sometime.

The pool's finally up and running.

Oh, no, thank you.

No?

- Actually, I don't know how to say this.

- What is it?

- The other day I overheard Raja say the word "Butt."

- Butt?

- Yeah, butt.

She heard it from Julian.

He was talking about Popeye's butt.

About how much bigger

Popeye's butt gets when he eats spinach.

- Is that even true?

- Yeah.

- I am so sorry.

Thank you for telling me.

Mm-hmm.

- Chuck, you never fail to crack me up.

Oh.

Coming up after the break,

a possible sighting of the bagger murderer

by the local mayoral hopeful, Donna Clank.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Farm-fresh corn, mashed peas,

wholesome sweet potatoes.

All your baby's favorites prepared

without the violent presence of knives or blades.

All our food is delicately broken down

and moistened by the mouths of 100 percent real mothers.

Baby-Bird.

Because machinery is not a mother.

- Alright, bud, just like we practiced.

- Incoming!

- Alright, focus up, Julian.

Get the ball back to me.

It's so far.

- Come on, hustle up, Julian, throw it back.

There you go.

Okay, well, that was over there.

Alright, buddy, you can do this.

Eyes on the ball.

Get that glove up.

- I am made of stone.

Ow!

- What are you doing, man?

No, it doesn't hurt.

Oh, come on!

Julian!

- What?

What happened, baby?

- Daddy hit me with a ball.

- He was messing around.

- You have to catch it, Julian, then it won't hit you.

- He didn't even try.

We're wasting our money on baseball.

- Shh, shh!

Julian, don't you wanna be on the All-Star's?

Bob is trying out and so are Dan and Rostaffano.

Everyone makes the team.

- Did you remember to buy me a new toothbrush?

- Yes.

- What color?

- Oh, red, it's red.

- I never had a red toothbrush.

- Yes, you have!

- Mommy, can I watch "Popeye?"

- No, baby, it's a school night.

- You're a school!

- Julian, your mother is not a school!

- "I am mom.

"I'm full of classrooms.

"So many clocks in me."

- Get to your room!

Get out of here!

Go, go, go, go!

Don't listen to him.

If anybody's a school, it's Julian.

- Come on, Julian.

We're running late, let's go.

Come on, Julian, we're runnin' late.

- What?

- Nothing.

Nothing.

- Let's go.

Come on, come on.

Come here, Julian, Julian.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Kihap! - Kihap!

Kihap!

- Do you wanna go to paint your own pottery later?

You're drinking again, right?

- Oh, fun, yeah, I am.

But, actually, tonight's no good for me.

- Well, I have to go tonight.

- Oh.

- I feel silly going by myself.

- Oh, I really wish I could go.

I just promised Nick

I was gonna watch a program with him later.

- How often do you and Nick have sex?

- We actually have a set schedule.

We have sex five times a week.

- Five times?

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's really great.

- Oh.

- Is everything okay with you and Dennis?

- Hm? Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Uh, we just, like, aren't having sex right now.

Everything's really good, though.

It was just like really busy up at the lake.

- Hm.

- Hold it, hold it!

- You have got to read "Mating In Captivity."

- Hold it. - I bought it, I'm going to.

- No, no.

Good.

Good.

Oh, my God.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, honey.

I love you.

Are you wearing panties around your neck?

- Mm-hmm. - Huh.

Happy birthday.

You want me to open this now?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Huh.

- It reminded me of you.

I made it.

Well, I painted it.

Do you like it?

- I think I like it.

- Happy birthday.

- But I don't play the flute.

- It's a pipe.

- Did they not have any without a flute?

- It's not you.

- Oh.

Well, who is it?

- Peter...

Piper?

- The reverend's here, I gotta go.

- Julian, where is your mom?

- I don't know.

I'm really happy you came --

- Oh, please, I haven't missed a single party

since my divorce.

Oh, my God, look at the pool!

It's so big, Jesus!

What happened to your yard?

- Are you guys talking about how big the pool is?

- Oh, yeah, I honestly think it's too big.

We just already had such a big hole there,

you know after they found that horse skeleton

in our backyard.

- Oh, right, that horse!

Whatever happened with that?

- Oh, do you know they actually sent it off

to be carbon dated?

Apparently, it's much older than they initially thought.

- Nick didn't tell me about that.

- That's so cool, Jill.

- I know, it's crazy to think all these years

we might have been sleeping above a prehistoric horse.

- Unbelievable.

- Well, it can't be that old.

There weren't even horses in North America

until, like, the 1600s.

- Oh, yeah, I was thinking about that too

and then I remembered Pangaea.

- Oh, my God!

Jill, what if your property was part of Pangaea?

- What's Pangaea?

- You stop that, we're Christian.

- It's okay, sweetie.

We'll be back.

Julian, do you have to go?

- I gotta get some chips.

- Great.

- Julian, please, just go to the bathroom.

I know you have to.

- I don't have to.

- Please.

You can't have an accident tonight.

- I don't have to go,

I never have to.

- Well, we're not leaving this room until you go.

- Good, I love this room.

- Julian, I'm begging you, please use the toilet.

- I could live in here.

- That's it, I've had it.

Give me that Purple Heart.

- No!

- You're not allowed to wear grandpa's Purple Heart anymore.

- But it's Hawaiian!

- Your grandpa didn't lose his leg in Oahu

for you to bring shame to his medal.

- Daddy said I could wear it.

- He said you could wear it if you're good!

But you're not, you're being bad!

- We were all laying out in the grass one night.

All of us men.

- Hm.

- And Nick and I looked up and saw the Big Dipper

and then the little one.

And I asked Nick, "Which one do you think is better?"

And he goes, "Well, Dennis

"you can't have one without the other.

On their own, they're both just dippers."

Yeah!

- You are so funny. - You're the man!

- Julian?

- What's he doing?

Honey?

- Dear dad.

- Julian?

Julian?

- What in the world?

- That's a dog, right?

- I don't have a dog, but I know that's a dog.

- He's wearing his grandfather's Purple Heart.

Julian, are you a dog now?

- Julian, is that you?

- It's him.

- Yeah.

Hey, buddy, hey.

Mmm.

Smaller bites, Julian.

No one likes a piggy.

- Julian, come on.

We're late, we're late.

Okay, you've got your math book.

Your homework's in the front zipper.

Oh, Julian, you need your glasses to see the board.

Come on, baby, please.

Please, just try.

Keep them on.

Oh, Julian, oh.

- Snake bites, cholera, drowning,

an ox kick to the head.

The majority of pioneers who traveled west died

along the treacherous journey.

Everyone has a worksheet on your desk.

You'll see on the right side of your worksheet

a list of the six most common causes of death

on the frontier.

And on the left side, six blank spaces for you

to fill in your closest family members.

I want you to take your markers and connect each

of your loved ones to the way you imagine they would die.

Yes, Shad?

- Should we include ourselves?

- Yes.

Okay, class, let's review.

What was the main source of income for the prairie people?

- Corn, farming corn!

- That's right, Bob.

Let's raise our hands, though.

- Come on, Julian.

Hi, Ms. Human,

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I have Julian here.

He's a dog now.

Oh.

- Well, he's tardy.

- Okay.

Come on, Julian.

Come on, Julian, right here.

Julian, honey.

Right here, this is your desk.

This is your desk.

- Hi, Julian.

- Raja, you can play with Julian at recess.

Now, Dan, can you name the most successful

sharecropper ever in this county?

Your mom.

That's right, my mom.

Denise Human.

Whoo-hoo!

No!

- Lisa.

- Jill, hi, how are you?

Does Julian seem really different?

- Yeah.

- Wow, yeah.

I have a bunch of robes.

I was just bringing them over for the clothing drive.

Robes?

- Yeah.

I got four for Christmas last year.

- Oh.

- Do you want one?

- No, that's okay. - Oh, excuse you.

Okay, good to see you.

- Wait, Lisa, I wanted to talk to you.

- Yeah?

- Well, I don't want to be an Indian giver.

- Oh, Jill, it's not okay to say that anymore.

- Oh, sorry.

I don't wanna be a Native-American giver.

- Mm-hmm.

- But I wanted to ask.

Now that my only child is a dog would it be possible

for me to get the baby I gave you back?

- Oh.

I don't know, Jill.

I can see why you would ask me that.

But I just don't think Dennis would go for it.

- Oh, okay.

Well, it doesn't hurt to ask, right?

- It did hurt

I didn't like it.

- Sorry.

Hm.

Yes, yes, yes!

There he is!

Yes, come here.

Alright, yeah, good boy.

Julian, go long!

Yeah, there you go, boy, dig in!

You're so fast.

I'll be damned.

Yeah!

Ah, that's who you were meant to be, my son.

Hey, Julian!

Julian, come get me!

Come get me, boy!

There you go!

Yeah! Oh!

You're gonna be an All Star!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

He's so fast, Jill.

It's incredible.

He's actually trying.

I got tired before him.

Honey, is everything okay?

- It's just, he's so different.

- I know.

I know.

Sweetheart, you seem sad.

- Oh.

You have to admit, this is a lot to process.

- Jill.

I think he's going through a bigger change than you are.

- Yeah, of course.

- Julian, wash up, dinner's ready.

- No, it's not.

- Oh, that's sweet.

I think it's pretty when they are lumped

together liked this.

- Yes, the lumps are good.

It's fun.

- Keep up, Julian!

- It's great you guys still come to the games

even though Julian's a dog now.

- Of course, we do.

- Does your latte taste weird?

- I was just thinking that.

Halftime.

- Oh, my God!

Lisa, you're pregnant?

- I know!

- Ah!

- Oh, my God, Lisa, you're huge!

- Thanks, Marriott.

- Hey, has anyone seen the ball?

- Baby, look at Lisa!

- Oh, wow!

Hey, congrats, man.

- We're having another baby?

- Yes, I am so happy.

- Whose dog is this?

- That's Julian.

- Julian Davies?

- Yes, our son.

- Oh!

Well, we can't have him on the field.

It's regulation.

- He's the fastest one out there.

- I'm sorry, Nick, he keeps going offsides.

- Offsides?

- Yeah.

Come on, man, he's seven!

- He can't kick.

He doesn't get it, I'm sorry.

- But...

- I can't believe I dated that guy.

- "He can't be on the field.

"It's regulation."

- Oh, my God, that's good!

- What? What?

- I can't, gosh, I can't.

Oh, that's good.

Julian, don't eat grass.

Thank you so much for coming tonight.

Your presence warms my heart.

She was so young.

I appreciate your presence.

- Just makes you think, "Why her?"

Thank you so much for being here.

- Yeah, why her?

Thank you for your presence here tonight.

- You know, Buck's gotten really into western wear.

- Western wear?

- Yeah, ever since the divorce.

Our divorce!

Thank you for coming tonight.

- Dennis said Buck's living above the post office.

- Yeah, he can fart all he wants up there.

- Thank you so much for being here.

Your presence means so much beyond.

Excuse me, excuse me, everyone.

Have your attention, please.

Thank you all so much for being here tonight.

Exactly one month ago, my sister, Cheryl Hoad

returned home after teaching her favorite yoga class

Baby Bikram, to find her home invaded

and her walk-in closet completely empty.

A neighbor reported seeing a bagger from the Eagle

trying to walk across the cul-de-sac

wearing all of Cheryl's clothes,

which to be honest included a lot of clothes

I had let her borrow.

I'm smaller than her,

but she can wear some of my stretchier items.

The bagger also left

with all of Cheryl's gymnastics medals.

I could never do gymnastics

because I have a delicate knee.

Cheryl was a beloved sister, daughter and ex-girlfriend.

Her ex-boyfriend, Rob, is here tonight.

I set them up because Rob's not my type.

Rob?

Rob?

- You dated Cheryl? - Rob?

- I mean, kinda.

- Rob I think everyone would like to hear you

talk about Cheryl.

I'm so sorry.

- No.

I really don't think that I'm--

- Just a little bit louder, Rob.

- Okay.

Hey, everybody.

I'm Rob.

- Your presence warms my heart.

Thank you so much.

- Cheryl and I dated what, two months ago?

You know, it was mainly night-time stuff.

I don't know what else to say.

I mean, it didn't end up working out.

But it's how I would've had it with Crystal.

Crystal's my new girlfriend.

Crystal, did you maybe wanna say something about Cheryl?

- I didn't know Cheryl.

I didn't know you guys dated.

- Okay no, yeah, I had, we had--

- Rob, I just think everyone would like

to hear you talk about Cheryl now.

- Right.

Cheryl had a beautiful face.

I see it all over town now.

It's haunting to think about that.

If what happened to Cheryl happened to Crystal

I don't know what I would do and...

Oh, God!

Oh, honey.

- Rob, I think we should

go back down. - I love you.

I love you so much,

I don't want to have anything bad happen to you.

I'm gonna protect you, I promise.

I love you more than my mom, I think.

Is that okay, mom?

- Mm-mm.

We really should get off the porch.

- Is this "Kids With Knives?"

Dennis!

- Lisa, you look so--

- What?

- Your legs look so long.

- Where's the remote?

Bob, close your eyes.

- Oh, my God, this is "Kids With Knives!"

Jesus, what happened to "Little House On The Prairie?"

- It ended!

- Sweetheart, let me zip up the back of your dress.

- It's backless.

- You look like shit, Lisa!

- Bob!

- You're grounded!

- Fine!

You assholes don't even let me drive!

- How could you have let him watch "Kids With Knives?"

- I had no idea.

- I'm changing.

- We're so excited. - Oh, of course, yeah.

- Oh, you're certainly going to have your hands full.

- Uh, yes.

Well, in a couple of years

Citronella can babysit.

- Yes, please.

- She was such a help with the twins when they were younger.

- My mom didn't pay me.

I have no money.

- Oh.

- You know, Paige and the new baby are gonna be Irish twins.

- Oh, what does that mean? - Huh, Irish?

- Irish-American twins.

- Oh, of course, yeah.

- Jill, I love how you cut the crusts off the sandwiches.

- Oh, that's what they do in Europe.

- Oh, is it? - Yeah.

- Everything is so nice.

It feels so European.

Yes, it's so you, Lisa.

- I'm happy to do it.

- Lisa, have you been to Europe?

Oh, yeah.

- No.

- Oh, Jill, didn't you go to Europe?

- Oh, yeah, Nick and I went when

I was pregnant with Madison.

We went to Paris and then France

and then we took a train over to Berlin.

- Oh, wow!

- Now, Berlin, is that safe?

- Oh, Berlin.

That's a good baby name.

- Mm-hmm.

- I like the name Anastasia.

- My name is Jim.

- What? - What?

- Jim?

J-I-M?

Nick?

- Julian's got ten more minutes.

- I have to talk to you.

- I'm listening.

- He's not playing.

- Yeah, Jill, try this.

No.

- Come on, it's really good.

- Is it pool water?

- Yeah, but frozen.

- Nick, something happened.

- What?

- Mr. Dudley called.

Julian's not invited back to Rocket Math.

- Oh, okay.

Okay?

- Yeah.

- Aren't you upset?

- What, did you think he was gonna become an accountant?

- No.

No, I guess not.

What happened to that picture?

- What picture?

- Julian's baby picture.

The one in the mist.

- Oh, yeah, that picture.

- Did you take it down?

- Why would I take it down?

- Nick, please.

I don't wanna forget how he was.

- Jesus, Jill, he's right there.

His hearing's incredible now.

- I want that picture.

- You know, did you ever think

how it must feel to be Julian?

See all these pictures around

that don't look like him anymore?

- But, Nick, don't you miss him?

- Julian just got awesome.

- Okay, Julian, I'm gonna turn off your dinosaur lamp

but your twinkle lights are still on.

Do you want me to read you another story or...

Never mind.

Shh.

Goodnight, Julian.

Let your body be heavy in your bed.

How long were you in labor?

- Not long, it was easy.

I just lifted my dress and he fell out.

- We were a little worried about the initial bounce.

- Of course.

- But then he landed with his branding,

Wilson right-side up, we thought "Okay, great.

"Why not just name him Wilson?"

- But then we remembered

Wilson is Tom Hanks' baby.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yes, of course.

- How about Twilson?

- I love that.

Oh!

- Hey, Bob, would you go and get some of the bars

that Mrs. Davies brought over?

- I wish I was aborted!

- Bob!

Well, no bars for you.

- I'm so sorry.

They're not bars, they're just brownies.

I'm really sorry about that.

Is that my statue?

- Jill? Jill? Jill?

I finally started reading

"Mating In Captivity."

I love it.

- Oh, she is so smart.

I had to follow along with my finger.

- I've been reading it out loud.

- Yeah.

- Hello, class.

And thank you, for being here

with all of your chakras.

Cheryl didn't leave any instructions, so...

I'll now play a movie.

This is "Twister."

It's all about energy.

Yeah.

Yes!

- More pizzas coming, everyone.

Dan, Rostaffano, stop holding hands.

- Hi, Kim Ann.

- Hi, Marriott.

Are you an ice dancer?

- No, are you pregnant?

- No.

- Can the twins come to Magic America with us?

- Aw!

- We didn't bring a present

because Raja wanted to invite the twins to Magic America.

- Oh, I see.

Well, Rostaffano can't ride roller coasters

because of his heart.

- Oh.

- You know he was sat on in the womb.

Didn't you know that?

I thought everyone knew.

- I must've known.

- Citronella, does your mom ever ask about me?

Dad.

- Well, did you give her the check

I gave you, for the knives?

- Those are for girls.

She said the check you gave her wasn't enough.

You don't get the discount anymore.

- Well, fuck!

- Now, listen up, kiddo,

this ball's gonna be a little heavier

than your ball at home, alright?

To be honest, I'm a little worried about you

on these slick floors.

Don't run as fast as you do in the backyard, alright?

You'll be fine.

Just take it nice and easy.

Here we go, right here.

- Lisa, where is Bob?

- He's not here, he's grounded.

- Again?

- He's going through a bit of a phase.

- Raja said he's had to stay late for detention every day.

I think she has a little bit of a crush on him now.

- Yeah, no, he has to stay late, but it's not detention.

You can tell Raja.

He's in Rocket Math, yeah.

He's in Rocket Math now.

- Oh!

- Bob is in Rocket Math?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he is, Jill.

Julian probably didn't mention it

'cause he's a dog, but, yeah.

- Actually, Julian isn't in Rocket Math anymore.

- He's not?

- No.

I was really upset at first,

but then Nick made a good point.

He's probably not gonna be an accountant.

- Oof,

Nick said that?

- Yeah.

- I really don't like that he said that.

- Well, I'm sorry, did anyone ask Julian

if he wants to be an accountant?

- No, but--

- Jill?

Are you happy?

- Huh?

- Are you really happy?

- I don't know.

- Maybe you should get a divorce.

- Oh, yes!

- Really?

Yes.

- Oh.

- Okay.

Wait, Nick?

Julian, can I have a moment with your father?

- Oh, sure, go ahead, boy.

- I want a divorce.

I'm sorry, Nick.

I think we should get a divorce.

- No, no, stop that.

We could talk about it.

Hey, what is, what's wrong?

Oh.

- I'm sorry.

- No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

I don't want that.

What are you talking about?

Don't, what are you doing?

Honey, stop this.

- Did you hear me?

I think we have to get a divorce.

- You don't know what you're talking about.

Stop that.

What are you talking about? - I do.

- Then why are you doing this in front of all our friends?

What, do you wanna go home?

We can talk about this --

- I wonder if he'll get into western wear.

Don't do this.

- I just did it.

I can change,

I can fix it, whatever you want.

- No. - I'll do whatever you want.

- I don't understand this either.

Please, please.

Come here, come here. - No, married people hug.

Married people hug.

No, don't do this.

Oh, here she comes.

Here she comes, okay.

Just go, shh, shh, shh.

Bedtime, bedtime, it's bedtime.

- Julian, your father and I need to talk with you.

There's no easy way to say this.

- Then don't.

- Although your dad and I both love you very much,

my friends think that it's best for all of us right now

if your dad moves in with Buck above the post office.

- What?

- As you know, Julian,

Kim Ann recently got a divorce

and she says she's much happier, so now my friends think

I should get a divorce.

- Well, I don't wanna live with Buck.

He farts in his sleep.

- Nick, please.

No, you please.

I don't wanna do this!

Stop it!

- Julian, we want you to know that this is not your fault

and it absolutely has nothing to do with you

not being able to play soccer anymore.

- Well, you didn't want to divorce me

when he could still play soccer.

- It's really not that you can't play soccer.

We love you and we know soccer is harder for you now

with your new body.

- He's faster than ever.

- Julian, sweetie, do you have any questions for us?

- I have some questions!

- Nick, please.

- No!

- It's okay, sweetheart.

I think you need a drink of water.

Uh-oh.

Shh, goodnight, sweetie.

- Okay, Dennis, if I could just have you take a step

to your left.

Alright.

Bob, let's see that smile.

- Don't you fucking talk about my face slit!

- He doesn't smile anymore.

Bob is bad now.

- Oh.

Okay, well, actually, I'm losing,

What's the little one's name again?

Paige?

- No.

- Oh, Twilson.

- Yeah, I'm losing Twilson.

If you could just rotate him forward for me. Perfect.

- Oh!

- Okay, I think we got it.

- I was thinking we could do some now

where I'm seated with the babies

and Dennis and Bob are kinda over my shoulders.

- You wanna sit?

Like, on something?

- Yeah.

- You guys got a chair?

- I can figure this out.

Shayna?

Shayna, sweetheart.

No!

Please?

- What?

Hello.

What, what is going on?

These people are asking for a chair.

- Bob!

- What?

- Why?

- That woman wants to sit her body on something.

For the picture.

- Okay.

We can do that.

One sec, one sec.

So just..

Easy, you know, easy. Don't.

Strong.

- Okay, there you are.

- Oh, no, no, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted any kind of chair.

- We don't have any other chairs.

That one was really expensive.

- Oh.

- Oh, okay.

Yeah. This is great.

Thanks, thank you so much.

- It's not a problem.

Okay.

- Dennis, if I could just have you

take a couple of steps closer to your wife.

Perfect. Maybe.

- Sorry, Hon. - What?

- Are those the only outfits you brought?

- Yes.

Right, honey?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, okay.

They look good.

- Yeah.

They look really good.

One, two.

Jill?

Jill?

Jill?

Julian?

Is anybody home?

I'm just getting some pool water.

Julian.

Where's your mom?

Are you home alone?

Oh, you poor thing.

You don't have any clothes on.

Oh.

- You sure you wanna do this?

- Yeah.

Sorry. I'm ready.

Lisa!

Nick took Julian.

- Ah, Jill, I know.

Nick called over here.

- You have to help me.

We have to get him back.

- Jill, I think it might be best for Julian

to stay with Nick for a while.

- What?

He's all I have.

- Nick said you left him home alone, Jill.

- Yeah, but-- - He's seven.

Nick found him naked in the yard.

- Well, I was just gonna be gone for one minute.

He sleeps so much now.

- A haircut is not one minute.

You clearly got a blowout.

It looks good.

- Thanks.

- You're going through a lot right now.

I think you should go home and take a bath.

Do you want me to walk you home and draw the bath?

- No, that's okay.

- Okay.

Just let me know if there's anything I can do.

- Okay. Thanks.

Lisa?

Yeah?

- Well, now that I don't have any family anymore

is there any way you'd consider giving me my baby back?

- No, Jill.

And I don't want you to ever ask me that again.

- Lisa. - No!

Don't make me feel like

I'm some kind of monster for not giving you my baby!

You gave her to me, Jill.

I love her just as much as I love Bob and Twilson.

- But, Lisa, you have so many kids and I have none.

- You did that to yourself.

You can't possibly think

I'm gonna give you Paige just so you can go

and leave her naked in the yard.

- Her name is Madison!

- No, Jill, her name is Paige!

Paige Wetbottom!

- No.

- Hello?

Muah, muah, muah.

No dust here.

Okay, Rocket Math, haha!

Yeah, okay.

Julian's not invited back to Rocket Math.

Lisa, come on!

Don't eat grass, Julian.

Julian, don't eat the grass!

Remember Pangaea?

- What are you doing in my house?

- This is my house!

Who are you? - What?

I'm Jill, I live here.

- Oh, my God, get out!

- No, I live here.

That's my underwear scarf.

- Oh, this?

This is, no!

- Yes, this is my house!

- No, get out!

This is my house!

- No, this is all my food.

You're using all my stuff.

- This is my stuff!

- No, it's mine!

No, I'm sure it's mine.

- This is my house!

- Please, I don't think you're right about this.

- Oh, I am trying to get dinner

on the goddamn table!

- But eggs are for breakfast.

- What?

- Eggs are for breakfast, it's a breakfast food.

- No!

Get out of my house!

Get out!

Get out of my, get out of my house!

- Please.

- Get out!

Get out of my house!

- I don't mean to be rude.

Are you sure this is your house?

- Yes! Yes! - Okay, okay!

- Yes! - I'm sorry!

Please.

Please.

And leave me alone!

- I'm sorry.

No, no!

No, no, no, it's your turn.

Please, you go, you have to go.

Please, someone just go,

I have to go.

Got it!

My house.

Uh-huh.

- Are you okay?

- Yes, yes, I'm fine.

- Do you need me to call someone for you?

- No, I'm sorry.

This is the house I grew up in.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

My house.

I'm sorry, I just,

I just feel like

I don't know who I am anymore.

So I thought

if I could just come here and sit on the toilet

I used to think on.

- Mm-mm, I need to get these kids back to bed.

- Oh, of course.

Are these all your children?

- Yes.

- Oh, my God.

They're so beautiful.

- Oh, okay, ma'am,

I'm sorry, I can't help you.

You have to go.

- Excuse me, actually.

Would it be okay if it's not too much trouble?

- Yeah?

- Could I have one of your children?

- Okay, okay, no.

- Wait.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Oh, Chuck, you're an animal.

You're an animal!

Ha-ha-ha!

In other news, after a grueling month-long search,

the bagger murderer, suspected of killing

local yoga teacher, Cheryl Hoad, is finally in custody.

The suspect Little Hellen Frownfelter,

was apprehended moments ago

in the home of recent divorcee, Jill Davies.

Little Helen has confessed to accidentally backing

Cheryl Hoad down a staircase,

causing her untimely death.

- You know, it's funny Cheryl was the one to die early.

She was never early for anything.

I'm always early.

I was born two months early.

I was so skinny.

Really skinny.

The skinniest baby.

- The whereabouts of Ms.Davies remain unknown.

However, Little Helen claims that Ms. Davies

sped off in her golf cart.

Little Helen's story has been corroborated

by three neighbors who witnessed Ms. Davies

being rude at a four-way stop.

And now, Haven Nutt is on the scene.

Thanks, dad.

I'm standing here with the woman

who discovered the bagger murderer.

Lisa Wheatbottom.

- Oh, no, it's Wetbottom.

I did discover the bagger murderer.

I went over to talk to Jill

and that strange woman answered the door.

I recognized her

'cause she taught the longest yoga class

I've ever been in.

- Ah, I've always wanted to do yoga.

- You should, it's really easy.

Anyway, I was like, "Where is Jill?"

And Little Helen was like, "I am Jill."

And then started screaming at me that I had to leave

'cause her kids are in bed.

And, obviously, I knew it wasn't Jill.

Jill doesn't have kids anymore.

So I went to the police and now I'm on the news.

- I'm on the news, too.

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Ma'am?

- Oh.

No, no, you can call me mommy.

- Okay, yeah, I have to go to the bathroom.

- Thank you for telling me.

Come on.

- Jill?

- Oh, my God!

- Yeesh.

- I'm so glad you're okay.

I felt so bad after you left yesterday.

That's why I went over to your house.

- Yeah, I saw on the news.

- You saw me on the news? - Mm-hmm.

- Cool.

So I've been thinking a lot about what you keep asking me

and I've changed my mind.

- Oh, my God, Lisa, you're giving me my baby back?

- Oh. No.

You can have Bob.

- You stupid, hideous net!

- That's okay, Lisa.

- She's so cute, Jill.

I love her.

Why don't you guys come over later and swim?

- You don't have a pool.

- Oh, I do now.

I was at your house last night

after the cops took the bagger murderer away

and I was looking around and I thought

I would actually be much happier here.

So I called Dennis and he came over

with the kids and our stuff.

So, yeah, we live in your house now.

- Thanks, Jill.

I actually have a question about the thermostat.

- You live in my house?

I don't think Nick's gonna be okay with that.

- He knows.

He lives there, too.

- Nick lives with you?

- Yeah, he's our pool boy.

Well, pool man.

- What?

- Oh, Jill, obviously, you can have my house.

Haven't you always loved my plush carpeting?

- Well, yeah.

- It's yours now.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Lisa?

Do the children play soccer on graves?

- Yeah.

- I never noticed that before.

Jill, where are you going?

- I think I have to get out of here.

I have to get out of here!

- Out of bounds.