All language subtitles for DMV.2025.S01E10.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

COLETTE:
Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo.

Happy Monday, my "galapalooza."

Do you hear the words
that come out of your mouth?

I was scrolling Insta

and I saw that you went out

with, uh, some of
the girls from the office.

You were at a bar.

Yeah, spotted both Kristens
in the mix, yeah.

And Carla, who retired,
like, three years ago.

-Fun, fun, fun.
-Yeah, that was cute.

I heard you're the gatekeeper

for "DMV Hot Gurlz"
text chain and I want in.

No.

What? Why?

Okay, listen.

You can't be in our crew because

you give off, like,

cute girl energy.

Mm-hmm.

Which is a really kind way
of me telling you

that you do not have
hot girl energy.

I am so hot, I soak through
my sheets at night.

Look, the DMV Hot Gurlz
have a two-year streak

of not
having to pay for a drink.

I mean, those girls can pull.

Um, I can pull.

I was known as "The Oxen"

on family vacations,

'cause I carried
everyone's suitcases.

That's not what "pull" means,

but I will happily
integrate your nickname

into my lexicon, Oxen.

Good morning, soldiers.

Who's ready for their
Monday morning plop?

Hope someone
brought some toilet paper.

I'm not new anymore, mate.

I know "plop"
is Barb for "meeting."

(groans) I hate change.

Hit me with it, Gregg-a-rooni.

I just wanted to share
before you hear it secondhand,

that I am suing the DMV

for inaction in replacing
my broken chair.

Oh, I see.

Excuse me for a minute.

(Barb yelling fiercely)

-(shouting indistinctly)
-(pounding on wall)

-(shouting continues)
-(crashing)

* *

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving B-5 at window...

Hoo-boy.

Wouldn't mind
being the ceiling right now.

Then that hottie on the laddie
would be all up in me.

Ew.

That's the kind of thing

I'd be dropping
in the text chain, FYI.

That's exactly why you're not
in the text chain, FYI.

And can you please
stop talking about

Miguel that way. He's my cousin.

Stop. The hot electrician's

your cousin? (gasps)

Is he single?

-Colette, he's my best cousin.
-Yeah.

Hello?
Pride and joy of my family.

Owns his own business. We're
talking about the guy that does

the lights for the Glendale
Christmas Tree Lighting

every year.

I would let him string me.

You rest my case.

* *

Hey, Barb, can I get the, uh--

Okay. Um, can you pass
the salt, please?

Well, isn't this rich?

He sues me
for everything I'm worth,

and now he wants the salt, too.

What's next, Gregg?

You want the vest off my back?
You want it?

Barb, come on, I think you're
taking this way too personally.

I'm not suing you,
I'm suing the DMV.

It is very personal.

If we are the "problem" DMV,

we are the "shut down" DMV.

Sacramento Sally said the key

to survival
is to not cause headaches.

Really? Well, Sacramento
created this headache, not me.

But I imagine this will
all be clearer

when Trish from HR
comes to speak with me tomorrow.

Hold the scones.

Trish from HR
is coming here tomorrow?

-Mm-hmm.
-I have to prepare.

She's coming
to get a statement from me.

This does not involve you.

Really?

You know what does
involve me, Greggles?

This salt!

(Gregg scoffs)

(high-pitched whining)

You know I don't
get salt at home.

Best of luck
with the name change.

Well, well, well.

Remember me?

The guy whose REAL ID paperwork

you just couldn't
find a way to work with?

I'm guessing
I've been living rent-free

in that
unfurnished head of yours.

Yeah, you're very unique.

We only get about
a thousand people a week

who mess up their paperwork.

Well, this is gonna
piss you off.

I've got all my documents today.

-Oh.
-Passport,

electric bill,
mortgage statement.

Oh, do you know
what a mortgage is?

I'm guessing the only property

you've ever owned
is Baltic Avenue.

-(laughs) Monopoly joke.
-Yeah.

Actually,
I'm getting the rights.

Talking about
shooting in Atlantic City.

Hey, well done. It's all here.

Great to have your validation.

There's one snag.

Look, I can't
process this until you pay

your late registration fees.

Right now, you owe $2,621

for a G-Wagon
and two Range Rovers.

Come on, come on. My business
manager handles this stuff.

Okay, is he here?

"She."

And... no.

She's not.

Just process me
out of here, okay?

-I-I can't.
-Let's go.

-I can't.
-Let's go.

-Just type me out of here.
-I'm sorry.

Just process--

(sighs) Okay.

Here you go.

It's Amex Black.

You're gonna
want to lift with your legs.

I'm happy to do it. By the way,

there's a two-and-a-half
percent credit card fee.

Ah, bah, bah!

There it is.

Do you fleece everyone

or just everyone
in a bespoke suit?

If you don't want
to pay the fee,

we also take cash or check.

Check? Oh, yeah,
let me just get my checkbook

from the back of
my horse and buggy.

Hope I don't get smallpox
on the way outside.

Okay.

I'll be back tomorrow with cash.

All right, well,
I will see you then, mate.

(mockingly):
No, I'll see you...

-Okay.
-Okay.

Man, we should totally
screw with that dude

when he comes back tomorrow.

We could reset
the number system, or--

we could wrong-line him.

That's where we keep
sending him to the wrong line.

Yeah, I gathered that
from the title.

Oh, okay, Oxford.

That's the last time I go
to a dog park without a dog.

I bet those puppies miss you.

It's-it's hard to say

'cause they never write.

(both laugh)

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
What's going on over here?

I'm about to ask your
cute coworker out on a date.

Oh, she's not in today.

I'm talking about Colette.

(whispers):
He's talking about me.

(chuckles awkwardly)

Uh, who has hot girl energy now?

What did you offer him?
Money? Drugs?

A free ride to the airport
to be cashed in at any time?

Just some good conversation,
couple of LOLs,

a recap of a cult documentary
I just finished--

Wait, so...

are you saying he just...

he just likes you?

I guess so.

Hmm.

What? What did I do?

I'm seeing you through
a new lens,

and... I like what I see.

Hmm. Which is confusing.

MIGUEL:
So,

are you free tonight?

-I'd love to take you out.
-(chuckles)

I'd love you
to take me in. (laughs)

(stammers) Just to a restaurant.
Yeah, a restaurant.

Not whatever else
that could mean.

So, it's a... it's a date?

It is a date.

(shouts awkwardly)

Yeah, I thought you fell,

but I see you had
one more step, sir.

The ladder makes you higher up
than without the ladder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, up there,

you're just like
in space and now you're--

Give me your phone.
I'll add my number.

Short-- Sure. Yes.

Just, oh, now that
I think of it, tonight...

actually, I...

(phone chimes)

(inhales sharply)

* *

So, you were saying
about tonight?

Yas, dinner!

You got it.

* *

VIC:
There she is.

So, how was the date
with Ceci's cousin?

Give me a trigger warning
if there's sexy stuff,

'cause I consider you a sister,

and sisters
do not do sexy stuff.

The date was awful,

and it's my fault
because I'm a terrible person,

and I'm only
going to tell you this

because you are
an even worse person.

Check in with your work wife
and get eaten alive, right?

But, yeah, tell me
how much he sucked.

He's perfect, it's just that
all I could see the entire date

were his little legs
dangling off the barstool

'cause his feet
didn't touch the ground.

-Mm.
-I don't want to be taller

than the guy I'm dating.

In the fifth grade,
I had this growth spurt

and, like, all the kids
called me "giraffe"

and fed me lettuce.
I was so gassy that year.

You ate the lettuce
they fed you?

I also think
I kind of liked the attention.

It was a really
confusing time for me.

I can't go out
with Miguel again.

They gave him
a kid menu by mistake.

Mm.

-Hey, hot girl.
-Hi.

Oh, my God,
Miguel is so into you.

-Oh?
-Yeah, I know, right?

I can't believe
I didn't see it before.

But you're actually,
like, really pretty.

Like, you know,
when you... (squeals)

And, you know, I never
thought of you as funny,

but Miguel says you're funny,

and now that I'm, like,
thinking back on it, like,

I think those were jokes, right?

-Yeah.
-Either way,

it's perfect timing
because I just chipped a nail,

so you and me are
getting nails done at lunch.

Wait, you're taking me
to see Blanca?

-(squeals)
-(shudders)

We're going to see Blanca.

Ha-ha!

So, what did you
think of Miguel?

I was just telling Vic...

...he's perfect.

Oh! My God.
Bring it in, hermana.

Ooh!

(whispers):
Blanca.

And it turned out I was
talking about my chair

to AI the whole time.

I do not know him.
I'll make sure

to get a statement
from him as well.

No,
it's artificial intelligence.

And the train
goes off the tracks.

Barb Berry. Manager.

I know who you are.
Can I help you?

I can help you.

Gregg, he's well-intentioned,
but we can handle this in-house,

so you can get back
to scratching

Big Sac's other itches.

No, I'm sorry. "Big Sac"?

That's what
Barb calls "Sacramento."

It's a whole thing.

Can we get back to my statement?

It's a classic case
of an employee

who got tired
of hearing the N-word.

Excuse me?

Barb thinks
the N-word means "No."

She grew up very sheltered.

She had a prize-winning cow

at the 2006 Minnesota
State Fair,

-okay?
-Heidi the Holstein.

She was a milker.

You wouldn't believe
the teats on this thing.

-Okay.
-(clicking tongue)

Anyways, can we get back
to talking about my chair?

See, it's his inability
to see the bigger picture

which leads him to act a little,

dare I say it, R-word.

"Ridiculous."
"Ridiculous."

I'm starting to get
a really good sense

-of what's going on here.
-That's great.

Does this have anything
to do with my chair?

I think I have everything
I need on that front.

I don't think you have
anything you need on that front.

Oh, you settle down.

You're treating her
like she's a little C-word.

-Oh, okay.
-No, no, "child."

She means "child."

Leave me the room. I will get
back in touch with you shortly.

In the meantime, do not
communicate with each other.

(Gregg sighs)

Ta-ta, lawsuit.

Just remember,
it's not personal.

-She's an artist.
-Blanca did not disappoint.

Mm-mm, never.

-I love these.
-Mm, never disappoints.

(glass shatters)

Still getting used
to where my fingers end.

It takes time. As does wiping.

-Oh.
-Okay, so,

I'm not supposed
to tell you this,

but Miguel is gonna
surprise you with lunch today.

How cute is he?

Oh, my God. I'm dying.

Okay, listen,
I'm going to drop a text

to the Hot Gurlz chain right now

because those nails need
to go dancing tonight.

Yas, queen!

Is that still a thing?

Colette?

-Yes, Vic.
-Let me tell you

a story about
a wide-eyed freshman

who dreamed of
playing lacrosse, and a coach

who took
a "special interest" in him.

Oh, my God.

You're a survivor?

So much makes sense now.

What? No.

Coach Bartlet
made me think I was good.

Good enough to play in college.

He'd bring me home
after practice,

run drills
with me on the weekends.

But then,
when the rosters got posted,

guess who got screwed?

You?

-My foster mom.
-Oh.

He used me to get to her.

Just like you're
using Miguel to get to Ceci.

But if I tell Miguel
that I don't like him,

Ceci's gonna hate me.

And did you not hear just then
about the dancing?

You'd be dancing
on a bed of lies.

So how do I get Miguel to,
like, break up with me?

Hmm.

I'm-I'm ready to get serious,

so do you want to talk
about parenting styles

or wedding venues first?

Because my mom--
oh, my God-- she has,

like, tons of opinions on both,
so, yeah,

if you want a say,
speak up now. (laughs)

(sighs)

I don't think I can do this.

Oh, no.

* *

BRENT:
Excuse me.

Uh, nope, nope, nope, nope.

(Noa sighs)

A wheelbarrow full of pennies?

Had to wrestle it away
from my gardener.

The wheelbarrow,
not the pennies.

I got those from the bank.

They came rolled, but I thought
where's the fun in that?

That way,
you can hand-count them.

You know,
to make sure it's right.

Give me a moment, mate.

(laughs)

I'm super rich, by the way.
This is just a bit.

I'm ready to mess
with this little douche.

Sounds like someone's
American balls just dropped.

Mr. Mosley,
I'd like to apologize

on behalf of the state,
but not in a way

that acknowledges
any real responsibility.

Of course.
Can I finish my statement?

No need.

The DMV is offering you
a settlement.

We all know
this is about the money.

This is about the principle.

For months, I have suffered
the indignity of this chair,

and your organization
simply refusing to replace it.

I don't want your money.

We're offering you $100,000.

Deal.

I'll finish the paperwork
in the interview room.

And, of course,
we're firing Barb.

What? Why?

Because our goal
is zero lawsuits

and she's a total liability.

Yeah, but she's a good manager,

and her word slip-ups
are actually kind of funny.

I don't find anything funny.
I work for HR.

My job is to be humorless.

No, that's my wife's job.

(chuckles)

Wow, you're good at what you do.

* *

-Hey, girl.
-CECI: Ooh.

So, how was lunch with Miguel?

(both squealing)

You know what?
It was kind of a bummer,

actually. Yeah.

He doesn't want
to go out again. Wah.

Oh, well.

On to the next.

-I'm sorry, what?
-It's okay.

I wanted
to get too serious too fast.

Anyway, what
are we wearing tonight?

And how do you put on clothes
with these ladies?

No, this is not okay.

Because buttons
are off-limits, obvs.

No, you do not break up
with your cousin's girl.

He's still in the parking lot.
I'm gonna go kick his ass.

-Don't worry.
-No, no, no. I don't blame him.

I mean, I'm a lot.
Sometimes I wish I could stop

-seeing me.
-No, mami.

Relax, okay?
This relationship is not over.

He didn't even give it a chance.

Hold my earrings.

I got you, girl.

Miguel!

See, now, how did you do that?

(door closes)

-¡Oye, Miguel Antonio!
-Hey.

¿Cómo es que te gustaba
esta mañana y en la tarde

la tiraste pa' fuera?

Tú dices que queieres
algo serio. Hello!

Mira esos pies, son horribles.

God, you are so superficial,
Miguel, I can't believe it.

Patético.

-I'm sorry, Colette.
-Mm-hmm.

I had a lot of fun
with you last night,

but when I saw
your feet at lunch...

Well, every man has his limits.

Seriously? You had
to get a running start

to get on
that barstool last night.

-What?
-The only limits you have

are on roller coasters.

Wow, Colette.

What? Now we each
said a mean thing.

Vete.

I'm gonna keep these.

I'm not.
I'll put them on your desk.

Sorry.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
...window number four.

My colleague will be
helping with the pennies.

Well, as professional
DMV employees,

I knew you'd find the least
efficient way to manage it.

I understand this, uh,
number of pennies in here

covers your fees exactly?

-Uh-huh.
-I just love pennies.

Oops.

Well, take a penny,
leave a penny.

(groans) You know,
I just remembered.

The penny I dropped
was actually a Canadian penny.

-Oh.
-Oh, no.

I'm sorry, we don't
accept foreign currency.

-Mm.
-Okay.

-Well, I'll just--
-Ah.

Whoopsie.

Just like the feel of 'em
in my fingers.

No problem.

'Cause guess who brought
a backup penny? Me.

-I did.
-(penny clatters)

Great.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

That darn Canadian penny
is still in there,

which means he's overpaid.

Which sounds a lot like...

-bribery.
-Bribery.

I think his only option is

to either find
the Canadian penny

or...

you pay the credit card fee.

I'm gonna find that Canadian
penny, and when I do,

I'm gonna shove it
down your throat!

Have at it.

Throat's open till 4:30.

(chuckles)

-Okay.
-(clears throat)

* *

-(exclaims) Yes.
-Yes.

BARB:
Beep-beep.

* Delivery for Greggory! *

Barb, you know we're not
supposed to be talking.

I know, that's why
I brought this disguise.

It's me.

Listen, no matter what happens
with the lawsuit,

I want you
to enjoy working here,

so even though you say
it's not about the chair,

I got you a new one.

That... that's
really nice, Barb.

It even massages your caboose.

Wait, did you try it out?

Can confirm.

But you gotta get down to your
skivvies to really feel it.

* *

I have a counteroffer.

We can't go over 100K.
If we go over 100K,

it eats into the Powerball
prize, and I play Powerball

because I find it exciting.

Okay. If you promise
not to fire Barb,

I'll drop the lawsuit.

Why would you do that?
It's life-changing money.

You could travel the world
with your wife.

I don't want to travel
anywhere with my wife,

unless I'm ashes and we're
going somewhere to spread me.

Barb is my friend.

She's highly inappropriate.

But you said the goal
was zero lawsuits.

Okay.

Fill out this form
and mail it back to me.

And just to be clear,

this friendship
is worth more than $100,000?

Give me the form
before I change my mind.

(groans)

*

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Canadian!
Where's the Canadian penny?

Where is it?! Where is it?!

Hey.

We good, bestie?

Oh-ho, we bad, footsie.

I'm sorry
that I called Miguel short.

I wasn't trying to be mean,

-it's just--
-Okay, listen.

-You are shallow as hell, girl.
-I'm really not.

And, like, not to be
all "me, me, me,"

but does this mean that I'm,
like, off the Hot Gurlz chain?

Mami, you humiliated
an innocent man.

My mejor primo, no less,

-okay?
-Mejor, yeah.

So while I may
take it personally,

that was extremely
"hot girl" behavior

and I have to respect it.

Wait, wait, wait.
Does that mean...

Yeah, you're still on the chain.

-(laughs)
-Now if you'll excuse me,

I am not a prejudiced
princess like you,

and I love a short king,

and there's a rich
little one in the waiting area

throwing a tantrum right now.

And a short torso
with a shorter fuse

is exactly
what the doctor prescribed.

You get it, Mama. Ow.

Damn.

Heard the lawsuit fell through.

Oh, yeah.

There were some issues.
Attorneys. (laughs)

Yeah. Well, I'm real sorry.

Thanks.

I'll get justice.

I just have to find another way.

Hey, maybe we'll
get to work together

for another 12 years.

(chuckles) God, I hope not.

You want me to wheel that out
to the dumpster?

No, I was thinking
maybe we could just

leave it there
at the empty desk.

Yeah, you're right.

We don't get rid of things

just 'cause
they're old and cranky.

(chuckles) Right.

Or well-intentioned but faulty.

(laughs)

I don't get that one.

(chuckles)

Thanks for the chair, Barb.

* *

Oh!

Get in here for a big old B.J.

You know, maybe
you should start calling these

"Barb Jiggles" instead.

Where is it?! Where is it?!

Where is it?!

CECI:
Hello, down there.

You look like Scrooge McDuck,

diving through
your pile of pennies.

Now stand up so I can see
if our parts line up.

I don't like to work hard.

Yes, ma'am.

* *

I like you.

And I like to watch rich people
do poor people things,

like count pennies.

You're gonna
ruin my life, aren't you?

Mm. I haven't decided yet.

Oh, God.

* *

-Get back down there.
-Okay.

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