Original subtitles

COLETTE: Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo.

Happy Monday, my "galapalooza."

Do you hear the words that come out of your mouth?

I was scrolling Insta

and I saw that you went out

with, uh, some of the girls from the office.

You were at a bar.

Yeah, spotted both Kristens in the mix, yeah.

And Carla, who retired, like, three years ago.

-Fun, fun, fun. -Yeah, that was cute.

I heard you're the gatekeeper

for "DMV Hot Gurlz" text chain and I want in.

No.

What? Why?

Okay, listen.

You can't be in our crew because

you give off, like,

cute girl energy.

Mm-hmm.

Which is a really kind way of me telling you

that you do not have hot girl energy.

I am so hot, I soak through my sheets at night.

Look, the DMV Hot Gurlz have a two-year streak

of not having to pay for a drink.

I mean, those girls can pull.

Um, I can pull.

I was known as "The Oxen"

on family vacations,

'cause I carried everyone's suitcases.

That's not what "pull" means,

but I will happily integrate your nickname

into my lexicon, Oxen.

Good morning, soldiers.

Who's ready for their Monday morning plop?

Hope someone brought some toilet paper.

I'm not new anymore, mate.

I know "plop" is Barb for "meeting."

(groans) I hate change.

Hit me with it, Gregg-a-rooni.

I just wanted to share before you hear it secondhand,

that I am suing the DMV

for inaction in replacing my broken chair.

Oh, I see.

Excuse me for a minute.

(Barb yelling fiercely)

-(shouting indistinctly) -(pounding on wall)

-(shouting continues) -(crashing)

? ?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving B-5 at window...

Hoo-boy.

Wouldn't mind being the ceiling right now.

Then that hottie on the laddie would be all up in me.

Ew.

That's the kind of thing

I'd be dropping in the text chain, FYI.

That's exactly why you're not in the text chain, FYI.

And can you please stop talking about

Miguel that way. He's my cousin.

Stop. The hot electrician's

your cousin? (gasps)

Is he single?

-Colette, he's my best cousin. -Yeah.

Hello? Pride and joy of my family.

Owns his own business. We're talking about the guy that does

the lights for the Glendale Christmas Tree Lighting

every year.

I would let him string me.

You rest my case.

? ?

Hey, Barb, can I get the, uh-

Okay. Um, can you pass the salt, please?

Well, isn't this rich?

He sues me for everything I'm worth,

and now he wants the salt, too.

What's next, Gregg?

You want the vest off my back? You want it?

Barb, come on, I think you're taking this way too personally.

I'm not suing you, I'm suing the DMV.

It is very personal.

If we are the "problem" DMV,

we are the "shut down" DMV.

Sacramento Sally said the key

to survival is to not cause headaches.

Really? Well, Sacramento created this headache, not me.

But I imagine this will all be clearer

when Trish from HR comes to speak with me tomorrow.

Hold the scones.

Trish from HR is coming here tomorrow?

-Mm-hmm. -I have to prepare.

She's coming to get a statement from me.

This does not involve you.

Really?

You know what does involve me, Greggles?

This salt!

(Gregg scoffs)

(high-pitched whining)

You know I don't get salt at home.

Best of luck with the name change.

Well, well, well.

Remember me?

The guy whose REAL ID paperwork

you just couldn't find a way to work with?

I'm guessing I've been living rent-free

in that unfurnished head of yours.

Yeah, you're very unique.

We only get about a thousand people a week

who mess up their paperwork.

Well, this is gonna piss you off.

I've got all my documents today.

-Oh. -Passport,

electric bill, mortgage statement.

Oh, do you know what a mortgage is?

I'm guessing the only property

you've ever owned is Baltic Avenue.

-(laughs) Monopoly joke. -Yeah.

Actually, I'm getting the rights.

Talking about shooting in Atlantic City.

Hey, well done. It's all here.

Great to have your validation.

There's one snag.

Look, I can't process this until you pay

your late registration fees.

Right now, you owe $2,621

for a G-Wagon and two Range Rovers.

Come on, come on. My business manager handles this stuff.

Okay, is he here?

"She."

And... no.

She's not.

Just process me out of here, okay?

-I-I can't. -Let's go.

-I can't. -Let's go.

-Just type me out of here. -I'm sorry.

Just process-

(sighs) Okay.

Here you go.

It's Amex Black.

You're gonna want to lift with your legs.

I'm happy to do it. By the way,

there's a two-and-a-half percent credit card fee.

Ah, bah, bah!

There it is.

Do you fleece everyone

or just everyone in a bespoke suit?

If you don't want to pay the fee,

we also take cash or check.

Check? Oh, yeah, let me just get my checkbook

from the back of my horse and buggy.

Hope I don't get smallpox on the way outside.

Okay.

I'll be back tomorrow with cash.

All right, well, I will see you then, mate.

(mockingly): No, I'll see you...

-Okay. -Okay.

Man, we should totally screw with that dude

when he comes back tomorrow.

We could reset the number system, or-

we could wrong-line him.

That's where we keep sending him to the wrong line.

Yeah, I gathered that from the title.

Oh, okay, Oxford.

That's the last time I go to a dog park without a dog.

I bet those puppies miss you.

It's-it's hard to say

'cause they never write.

(both laugh)

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. What's going on over here?

I'm about to ask your cute coworker out on a date.

Oh, she's not in today.

I'm talking about Colette.

(whispers): He's talking about me.

(chuckles awkwardly)

Uh, who has hot girl energy now?

What did you offer him? Money? Drugs?

A free ride to the airport to be cashed in at any time?

Just some good conversation, couple of LOLs,

a recap of a cult documentary I just finished-

Wait, so...

are you saying he just...

he just likes you?

I guess so.

Hmm.

What? What did I do?

I'm seeing you through a new lens,

and... I like what I see.

Hmm. Which is confusing.

MIGUEL: So,

are you free tonight?

-I'd love to take you out. -(chuckles)

I'd love you to take me in. (laughs)

(stammers) Just to a restaurant. Yeah, a restaurant.

Not whatever else that could mean.

So, it's a... it's a date?

It is a date.

(shouts awkwardly)

Yeah, I thought you fell,

but I see you had one more step, sir.

The ladder makes you higher up than without the ladder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, up there,

you're just like in space and now you're-

Give me your phone. I'll add my number.

Short- Sure. Yes.

Just, oh, now that I think of it, tonight...

actually, I...

(phone chimes)

(inhales sharply)

? ?

So, you were saying about tonight?

Yas, dinner!

You got it.

? ?

VIC: There she is.

So, how was the date with Ceci's cousin?

Give me a trigger warning if there's sexy stuff,

'cause I consider you a sister,

and sisters do not do sexy stuff.

The date was awful,

and it's my fault because I'm a terrible person,

and I'm only going to tell you this

because you are an even worse person.

Check in with your work wife and get eaten alive, right?

But, yeah, tell me how much he sucked.

He's perfect, it's just that all I could see the entire date

were his little legs dangling off the barstool

'cause his feet didn't touch the ground.

-Mm. -I don't want to be taller

than the guy I'm dating.

In the fifth grade, I had this growth spurt

and, like, all the kids called me "giraffe"

and fed me lettuce. I was so gassy that year.

You ate the lettuce they fed you?

I also think I kind of liked the attention.

It was a really confusing time for me.

I can't go out with Miguel again.

They gave him a kid menu by mistake.

Mm.

-Hey, hot girl. -Hi.

Oh, my God, Miguel is so into you.

-Oh? -Yeah, I know, right?

I can't believe I didn't see it before.

But you're actually, like, really pretty.

Like, you know, when you... (squeals)

And, you know, I never thought of you as funny,

but Miguel says you're funny,

and now that I'm, like, thinking back on it, like,

I think those were jokes, right?

-Yeah. -Either way,

it's perfect timing because I just chipped a nail,

so you and me are getting nails done at lunch.

Wait, you're taking me to see Blanca?

-(squeals) -(shudders)

We're going to see Blanca.

Ha-ha!

So, what did you think of Miguel?

I was just telling Vic...

...he's perfect.

Oh! My God. Bring it in, hermana.

Ooh!

(whispers): Blanca.

And it turned out I was talking about my chair

to AI the whole time.

I do not know him. I'll make sure

to get a statement from him as well.

No, it's artificial intelligence.

And the train goes off the tracks.

Barb Berry. Manager.

I know who you are. Can I help you?

I can help you.

Gregg, he's well-intentioned, but we can handle this in-house,

so you can get back to scratching

Big Sac's other itches.

No, I'm sorry. "Big Sac"?

That's what Barb calls "Sacramento."

It's a whole thing.

Can we get back to my statement?

It's a classic case of an employee

who got tired of hearing the N-word.

Excuse me?

Barb thinks the N-word means "No."

She grew up very sheltered.

She had a prize-winning cow

at the 2006 Minnesota State Fair,

-okay? -Heidi the Holstein.

She was a milker.

You wouldn't believe the teats on this thing.

-Okay. -(clicking tongue)

Anyways, can we get back to talking about my chair?

See, it's his inability to see the bigger picture

which leads him to act a little,

dare I say it, R-word.

"Ridiculous." "Ridiculous."

I'm starting to get a really good sense

-of what's going on here. -That's great.

Does this have anything to do with my chair?

I think I have everything I need on that front.

I don't think you have anything you need on that front.

Oh, you settle down.

You're treating her like she's a little C-word.

-Oh, okay. -No, no, "child."

She means "child."

Leave me the room. I will get back in touch with you shortly.

In the meantime, do not communicate with each other.

(Gregg sighs)

Ta-ta, lawsuit.

Just remember, it's not personal.

-She's an artist. -Blanca did not disappoint.

Mm-mm, never.

-I love these. -Mm, never disappoints.

(glass shatters)

Still getting used to where my fingers end.

It takes time. As does wiping.

-Oh. -Okay, so,

I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but Miguel is gonna surprise you with lunch today.

How cute is he?

Oh, my God. I'm dying.

Okay, listen, I'm going to drop a text

to the Hot Gurlz chain right now

because those nails need to go dancing tonight.

Yas, queen!

Is that still a thing?

Colette?

-Yes, Vic. -Let me tell you

a story about a wide-eyed freshman

who dreamed of playing lacrosse, and a coach

who took a "special interest" in him.

Oh, my God.

You're a survivor?

So much makes sense now.

What? No.

Coach Bartlet made me think I was good.

Good enough to play in college.

He'd bring me home after practice,

run drills with me on the weekends.

But then, when the rosters got posted,

guess who got screwed?

You?

-My foster mom. -Oh.

He used me to get to her.

Just like you're using Miguel to get to Ceci.

But if I tell Miguel that I don't like him,

Ceci's gonna hate me.

And did you not hear just then about the dancing?

You'd be dancing on a bed of lies.

So how do I get Miguel to, like, break up with me?

Hmm.

I'm-I'm ready to get serious,

so do you want to talk about parenting styles

or wedding venues first?

Because my mom- oh, my God- she has,

like, tons of opinions on both, so, yeah,

if you want a say, speak up now. (laughs)

(sighs)

I don't think I can do this.

Oh, no.

? ?

BRENT: Excuse me.

Uh, nope, nope, nope, nope.

(Noa sighs)

A wheelbarrow full of pennies?

Had to wrestle it away from my gardener.

The wheelbarrow, not the pennies.

I got those from the bank.

They came rolled, but I thought where's the fun in that?

That way, you can hand-count them.

You know, to make sure it's right.

Give me a moment, mate.

(laughs)

I'm super rich, by the way. This is just a bit.

I'm ready to mess with this little douche.

Sounds like someone's American balls just dropped.

Mr. Mosley, I'd like to apologize

on behalf of the state, but not in a way

that acknowledges any real responsibility.

Of course. Can I finish my statement?

No need.

The DMV is offering you a settlement.

We all know this is about the money.

This is about the principle.

For months, I have suffered the indignity of this chair,

and your organization simply refusing to replace it.

I don't want your money.

We're offering you $100,000.

Deal.

I'll finish the paperwork in the interview room.

And, of course, we're firing Barb.

What? Why?

Because our goal is zero lawsuits

and she's a total liability.

Yeah, but she's a good manager,

and her word slip-ups are actually kind of funny.

I don't find anything funny. I work for HR.

My job is to be humorless.

No, that's my wife's job.

(chuckles)

Wow, you're good at what you do.

? ?

-Hey, girl. -CECI: Ooh.

So, how was lunch with Miguel?

(both squealing)

You know what? It was kind of a bummer,

actually. Yeah.

He doesn't want to go out again. Wah.

Oh, well.

On to the next.

-I'm sorry, what? -It's okay.

I wanted to get too serious too fast.

Anyway, what are we wearing tonight?

And how do you put on clothes with these ladies?

No, this is not okay.

Because buttons are off-limits, obvs.

No, you do not break up with your cousin's girl.

He's still in the parking lot. I'm gonna go kick his ass.

-Don't worry. -No, no, no. I don't blame him.

I mean, I'm a lot. Sometimes I wish I could stop

-seeing me. -No, mami.

Relax, okay? This relationship is not over.

He didn't even give it a chance.

Hold my earrings.

I got you, girl.

Miguel!

See, now, how did you do that?

(door closes)

-�Oye, Miguel Antonio! -Hey.

�C�mo es que te gustaba esta ma�ana y en la tarde

la tiraste pa' fuera?

T� dices que queieres algo serio. Hello!

Mira esos pies, son horribles.

God, you are so superficial, Miguel, I can't believe it.

Pat�tico.

-I'm sorry, Colette. -Mm-hmm.

I had a lot of fun with you last night,

but when I saw your feet at lunch...

Well, every man has his limits.

Seriously? You had to get a running start

to get on that barstool last night.

-What? -The only limits you have

are on roller coasters.

Wow, Colette.

What? Now we each said a mean thing.

Vete.

I'm gonna keep these.

I'm not. I'll put them on your desk.

Sorry.

AUTOMATED VOICE: ...window number four.

My colleague will be helping with the pennies.

Well, as professional DMV employees,

I knew you'd find the least efficient way to manage it.

I understand this, uh, number of pennies in here

covers your fees exactly?

-Uh-huh. -I just love pennies.

Oops.

Well, take a penny, leave a penny.

(groans) You know, I just remembered.

The penny I dropped was actually a Canadian penny.

-Oh. -Oh, no.

I'm sorry, we don't accept foreign currency.

-Mm. -Okay.

-Well, I'll just- -Ah.

Whoopsie.

Just like the feel of 'em in my fingers.

No problem.

'Cause guess who brought a backup penny? Me.

-I did. -(penny clatters)

Great.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

That darn Canadian penny is still in there,

which means he's overpaid.

Which sounds a lot like...

-bribery. -Bribery.

I think his only option is

to either find the Canadian penny

or...

you pay the credit card fee.

I'm gonna find that Canadian penny, and when I do,

I'm gonna shove it down your throat!

Have at it.

Throat's open till 4:30.

(chuckles)

-Okay. -(clears throat)

? ?

-(exclaims) Yes. -Yes.

BARB: Beep-beep.

? Delivery for Greggory! ?

Barb, you know we're not supposed to be talking.

I know, that's why I brought this disguise.

It's me.

Listen, no matter what happens with the lawsuit,

I want you to enjoy working here,

so even though you say it's not about the chair,

I got you a new one.

That... that's really nice, Barb.

It even massages your caboose.

Wait, did you try it out?

Can confirm.

But you gotta get down to your skivvies to really feel it.

? ?

I have a counteroffer.

We can't go over 100K. If we go over 100K,

it eats into the Powerball prize, and I play Powerball

because I find it exciting.

Okay. If you promise not to fire Barb,

I'll drop the lawsuit.

Why would you do that? It's life-changing money.

You could travel the world with your wife.

I don't want to travel anywhere with my wife,

unless I'm ashes and we're going somewhere to spread me.

Barb is my friend.

She's highly inappropriate.

But you said the goal was zero lawsuits.

Okay.

Fill out this form and mail it back to me.

And just to be clear,

this friendship is worth more than $100,000?

Give me the form before I change my mind.

(groans)

? ?

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Canadian! Where's the Canadian penny?

Where is it?! Where is it?!

Hey.

We good, bestie?

Oh-ho, we bad, footsie.

I'm sorry that I called Miguel short.

I wasn't trying to be mean,

-it's just- -Okay, listen.

-You are shallow as hell, girl. -I'm really not.

And, like, not to be all "me, me, me,"

but does this mean that I'm, like, off the Hot Gurlz chain?

Mami, you humiliated an innocent man.

My mejor primo, no less,

-okay? -Mejor, yeah.

So while I may take it personally,

that was extremely "hot girl" behavior

and I have to respect it.

Wait, wait, wait. Does that mean...

Yeah, you're still on the chain.

-(laughs) -Now if you'll excuse me,

I am not a prejudiced princess like you,

and I love a short king,

and there's a rich little one in the waiting area

throwing a tantrum right now.

And a short torso with a shorter fuse

is exactly what the doctor prescribed.

You get it, Mama. Ow.

Damn.

Heard the lawsuit fell through.

Oh, yeah.

There were some issues. Attorneys. (laughs)

Yeah. Well, I'm real sorry.

Thanks.

I'll get justice.

I just have to find another way.

Hey, maybe we'll get to work together

for another 12 years.

(chuckles) God, I hope not.

You want me to wheel that out to the dumpster?

No, I was thinking maybe we could just

leave it there at the empty desk.

Yeah, you're right.

We don't get rid of things

just 'cause they're old and cranky.

(chuckles) Right.

Or well-intentioned but faulty.

(laughs)

I don't get that one.

(chuckles)

Thanks for the chair, Barb.

? ?

Oh!

Get in here for a big old B.J.

You know, maybe you should start calling these

"Barb Jiggles" instead.

Where is it?! Where is it?!

Where is it?!

CECI: Hello, down there.

You look like Scrooge McDuck,

diving through your pile of pennies.

Now stand up so I can see if our parts line up.

I don't like to work hard.

Yes, ma'am.

? ?

I like you.

And I like to watch rich people do poor people things,

like count pennies.

You're gonna ruin my life, aren't you?

Mm. I haven't decided yet.

Oh, God.

? ?

-Get back down there. -Okay.

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