Original subtitles

Poncherello!

How did you know I was here?

You're on limited duty...

and I'm gonna revoke that if you don't stop chasing the clerks around.

Can I help it if they're delighted to see me back?

Now, listen.

We have a new watch commander coming in,

Lieutenant Bates, and first impressions count.

So I want you to summon up your dignity and take the front desk for a while.

The front desk? Oh, come on, sarge.

It's the first thing he sees when he walks in the building.

I hate checking tail lights and answering silly phone calls.

Can't he come in the back?

All right, I need somebody to clean the shotguns and wash motorcycles.

I'll take the front desk, sarge.

All right. And remember, it was your choice.

Seems to me that, uh, sitting beside someone in a car would be limited duty.

- Right. - They need me on the streets.

Mm-hm.

My intuition, my keen observation.

My instinct for things going wrong.

Mm.

Mel, the fuzz.

Oh, man, there's another one. It's a stakeout.

Ah, stakeout, my elbow. They wouldn't be out in plain sight.

What's the trouble, officer?

Ah, I got a loose tail light bracket. You have a little wrench?

They don't want us.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, sitting here looks suspicious.

Hauling a trailer looks normal.

So I'm gonna haul a trailer.

Oh, man, I'm going to have an ulcer.

That trailer's loaded with $80,000 worth of nice new Japanese television sets.

- You wanna bid that sayonara? - No.

Then get out and hook us up.

There we go.

That ought to do it, Bar. Thanks.

Hey, Ponch and I had reservations Sunday. Wanna take his place?

Uh, what? Where you going?

Holly Grove Skydiving Center for freefalling. Ponch was gonna start lessons.

Thanks, but skydiving doesn't interest me.

Hey, it feels great, Jon, floating free through the air.

Yeah, well, let me tell you, I've been thrown

off my horse enough without a parachute.

- Thanks, anyway. - See you later.

Okay.

Go, Mel. Go.

Hey, just be cool, man.

Ha! Banzai. Ha-ha!

We don't have...

that information, sir, but we'll be glad to help you.

Um, if you hold just a moment, please.

Thank you.

Number for the Weather Bureau, please.

- Lieutenant Bates? - Uh-huh.

Officer Poncherello, sir.

And the, uh, Rent-A-Crooks have struck again.

Same MO.

They rent a tractor, drive to a busy loading area...

and hitch up to a loaded trailer...

and, uh, as two of you crime-fighters can testify...

simply drive away looking normal.

Since these trucks are always found abandoned...

it's assumed that these Rent A-Crooks transfer their loot.

So watch out for rented trailers and large vans.

Let's get this pair.

Okay, as you all know, we have a new watch commander.

It gives me pleasure to introduce him to you at this time.

Lieutenant Harold A. Bates.

Lieutenant.

Thank you, sergeant.

Last assignment was in public relations in Sacramento.

Let me just say that my last assignment...

was in the public relations office in Sacramento.

I know your opinion of PR men.

Unreal characters who put all their emphasis

on image and none on real police work.

Now, there is one indisputable fact.

And to Mr. Average Citizen out there, it's not enough to be a good cop...

you have to look like a good cop.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd just like to say that I'm honored...

to be here with such a great bunch of people

at the highest-rated station in the state.

However, there's always room for improvement.

Item: coming in this morning...

I noticed that the motorcycles were parked in a kind of letter S.

S for "sloppy."

Not that I'm gonna draw a plumb line out there...

but I do expect a reasonably neat row.

In fact, one motor was even sitting there parked front-to-back.

Grossman, lieutenant. He never knows whether he's coming or going.

Thank you, uh, officer...?

- Baricza. - Ba...?

- Baricza. - Baricza.

Your, uh, second shirt button down is unfastened, Baricza.

I'm afraid I have twenty-twenty vision. I don't miss much.

Item: your shirt, Poncherello.

I doubt that you bought it from any of our authorized suppliers.

No, sir. This is from Manny's Tailor Shop.

They're a few dollars more, but Manny, uh, body-shapes them.

And I think they look a little sharper.

Whoo-whoo.

Commendable, Poncherello.

If we all boycott our authorized suppliers, we'll

lose our discount, which none of us can afford.

Get some regulation shirts.

Hey, but, lieutenant...

I trust your accident didn't impair your hearing.

Whew.

Now, a major project.

Fuel consumption.

It seems that we have some hot dogs here

who are supporting half the Arabs in Kuwait.

Let's, uh, face it, troops.

We're in an energy crunch, and it's up to us to set an example for the public.

I want every officer's gas consumption monitored from now on.

That's all I have. Carry on.

Man, did we draw a brass-nose.

Ah, cool it, Bar. Give him some time, huh?

Well, what do you think, sergeant? Did I get through to them?

Oh, uh... Yeah, I imagine so.

You seem to have some reservations.

Well, uh...

Actually, I don't think Poncherello's shirts are that much out of line.

Sarge, regulations mean what they say or they don't mean anything at all.

All right, lieutenant.

And, uh, you don't have to call me lieutenant.

Certainly not in private.

My name's Harold.

Oh, right. Uh, Harold.

Harold.

Ponch, you just crashed a motorcycle and you weren't 3 feet off the ground.

How can you think of skydiving?

I'm not thinking about it for me, I'm thinking about it for you.

You sure you weren't thinking about selling me those lessons you bought in advance?

It's only 80 bucks.

Which you could use to pay for the shirts you already bought that you can't wear.

Never entered my head. You'd love it. You got me into hang-gliding.

I figured I'd get you into skydiving.

Ah, yeah, well, uh, what if the parachute doesn't open?

Oh, come on, Jon.

Ask Baricza. Parachute failures are one in a million.

Hm. I'll tell you what, Poncho. I'll put that on your tombstone.

"Here lies Ponch, uh, one in a million." Heh.

Do me one favor, okay? Talk to my instructor.

Find out how safe and simple it is.

Ponch, the simple part is, I'm just not interested.

Now, come on, let's get to work.

One thing puzzles me.

How did Lieutenant Whiz-Bang rate a field command with no field experience?

Well, not no field experience, Grossie. He must've had some.

He should've tried meeting us at the briefing, instead of delivering a lecture.

Well, better late than never.

What is this? How do you think a mob scene like this looks to the public?

Crime runs rampant while cops hold a coffee klatch.

Jon and Grossie were here first. It's our fault.

We're all 10-7 for lunch.

No congregation of more than two officers.

You know the regulation. Eat in different places.

Uh, we're done eating. You guys go ahead and eat.

I'm surprised at you two. You're senior officers.

Should've advised the others to move on.

That would be pulling rank we don't have.

And never will, if this is any example of your judgment.

Fanaticism is the father of persecution. Remember that.

I just can't see a lunch break violation meriting an official reprimand.

And why include Baker and Grossman? They were there legitimately, lieutenant.

- Harold. - Uh, Harold.

Baker and Grossman are senior men.

Senior men should set good examples.

Oh, come on, lieute... Uh, Harold.

Look, this isn't the Bounty and you're not Captain Bligh.

Sarge, a higher authority held Captain Bligh responsible...

for everything that took place on his ship.

And you might recall that he was completely exonerated...

by an admiralty court martial.

Well, you might recall that his crew abandoned him at sea in an open boat.

You're adding gas to Lieutenant Bates' tank?

For what reason?

The first report on fuel conservation...

this will put Lieutenant Whiz-Bang right at the top.

Oh, he will strut with pride like a peacock.

However, pride goeth before a fall, Harlan.

Wait for the payoff.

I have a feeling I shouldn't participate.

Hey, Jon.

Grossie.

There's two unmarked trucks with trailers. Let's have a look.

L.A. 15, Mary 3 and 5, southbound 405 from Waterton.

We've got two unmarked white Ford trucks, uh...

Hold it. The trucks are pulling over on their own, 10-23.

- Get the one behind you, Ty. - Right.

L.A. 15, Mary 3 and 5...

15 Mary 3 or Mary 5, repeat your transmission.

All units, we have lost reception from 15 Mary 3 and 5...

- southbound 405 from Waterton. - Call it in.

- My radio is spaghetti. DISPATCHER: Units responding, identify.

I think I can come up with a likeness of the tractor driver. I got a glimpse of him.

The fact that he's black is all you have on the suspect.

Suspects? I doubt they viewed them as suspects, sergeant.

If they had, they would've called for assistance

before the stop was made. First rule in the book.

Lieutenant, stopping was their idea, not ours.

And why did you suspect two men who were so willing to stop?

Two tractor-trailers unmarked? Had to be a good chance they were the Rent-A-Crooks.

Chance doesn't get it.

These things are scrutinized in the DA's office.

The Supreme Court has forbidden the random check of vehicles...

without probable cause.

If you had probable cause, you should've called for assistance...

- and followed them until it caught up. - We would have. They stopped.

See, uh, sometimes the bad guys dictate the action out there.

And it takes two hands to stop a motor. You can't be holding a microphone.

Then you should've ridden on past, maintained visual contact...

and waited for some backup.

And let them abandon the vehicle and escape on foot?

To be caught another day.

As it is, they escaped at the cost of two $5000 motorcycles.

You consider that justifiable?

That depends on whether you're out there to

protect motorcycles or protect the public.

You're supposed to be on a desk.

I consider what you did a censurable incident...

and I intend to enter it into your permanent records one way or the other.

- One way or the other? - If they had probable cause...

their tactics were rotten.

I don't buy the bad guys forcing the action.

If they did not have probable cause, they violated civil rights.

Sounds like a Catch-22 proposition.

Butt out, Frank. Right now.

In all fairness, gentlemen...

I'm permitting you the choice. Which way is it to be?

Whichever makes you happy, lieutenant.

Lieutenant, in all fairness...

That's all, sergeant.

Mm.

Yes, ma'am, Department of Motor Vehicles.

You're welcome.

Hey, Jon, look, I'm sorry, I tried to help you out, but...

I know, Ponch. I just came out to say thank you.

Excuse me for a second.

Look, Jon, uh...

the lieutenant is trying too hard to do too well.

It's not uncommon.

Yeah, it's a little uncommon to have a permanent black mark in my record book.

And you don't deserve it.

But I think I can make him change his mind.

Foxy chick you got there, Ponch.

- Did you get her name? - Oh, Marie?

- Yeah. - Marie Crossetti.

It's about my skydiving lessons.

She's the instructor I wanted you to meet, but I know skydiving doesn't interest you.

Oh, yeah, well, it never has...

but, of course, on the other hand, I've never tried it.

Oh, you did it. You did it. - Way to go.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha. - Way to go, Jobina.

- That was great. - Good girl. Ha-ha.

I learned what I came out here for.

It looks safe and simple just like Ponch and Bar said.

Jobina is the perfect witness.

- That was her first flat chute jump. - Really?

I swear, it's... You're like a different creature up there.

You're just soaring like a feather.

Oh, yeah, that's what Jon always says.

Skydiving is for the birds.

Uh, thanks, Bar.

I only have two items this morning.

Item one: operation fuel conservation.

How we doing so far, sergeant? Just the top achievers.

For motorcycles, uh, Artie Grossman.

Now, for cruisers, a superior average, 26 miles per gallon...

Lieutenant Harold A. Bates.

That's a very good start and we'll do better.

However, let's save our ovations for real police work.

Item two: I have here an Ident-O-Kit likeness of one of the Rent-A-Crooks.

There are copies for all of you at the doors.

We have this ID thanks to the excellent police work...

despite personal peril...

of Officers Baker and Grossman.

That's all I have.

Okay, pick up your sketches on the way out and, uh, hit your beats.

What did the ovation mean?

Are you gonna cancel the censure on, uh, Grossman and Jon?

Uh, not yet, but these didn't hurt.

Yeah, but when he whispered to you, he was looking at them.

No, no, at you.

He wanted to know when you're gonna get your regulation shirts.

Adding 1 gallon is one thing, but are you sure about taking 1 gallon out?

I mean, maybe 2 gallons might get it.

A gallon a day keeps the average away.

Lieutenant Whiz-Bang has had his pride.

Now cometh his fall.

L.A. 15, Mary 3. I'm 10-35 at Clover 44th filling station.

I have an ADW suspect right here now.

Units in the vicinity of Clover at 44th...

15 Mary 3 requests backup at the service station.

ADW suspect there now.

Mary 3 in pursuit of white over green, two-door sedan, 350-Boy-Adam-Robert...

eastbound Clover 44th.

Take it easy. I didn't do anything wrong.

Lean against the car. Put your hand on your head.

Anybody hurt?

Nope.

We're all fine.

Fool could've killed somebody.

Yes, sir, he's a real bad apple.

Remember, I'm not involved, but here he comes.

After pride goeth, then cometh shame.

Remember that.

Yeah.

And if you telleth who gave you the siphon, I telleth who took the gas.

You remember that.

Well, what about tonight? Hm?

Good morning, Lieutenant Bates.

Listen, can I call you back?

Deal.

Deal... Dealer. Authorized dealer.

I was trying to find regulation shirts in my size, sir.

- Uh-huh. - Mm-hm. Excuse me.

Now, you have a defective brake light.

- You got a ticket for that, right, ma'am? - Me?

Oh, right, uh, you're headlights and you're brake lights.

For you, Ponch. A nurse named Debbie.

Will you excuse me?

- Did you guys see this? - Nice, huh?

- Oh. - Whoa, lieutenant.

Morning.

- Good morning. - Oh, good morning.

Oh, a note on that ADW suspect...

- Melvin Joe Harley. - Yeah?

Nothing to prove he's one of the Rent-A-Crooks. He's out on bail.

The city attorney is gonna file on him.

Well, we've got him for sure on property damage and flight to avoid.

Right. That was a good arrest, lieutenant.

You demoting me? I thought I was Captain Bligh.

Heh. "Not Captain Bligh" is what I said.

What is my nickname around here?

Uh...

Oh, come on, Joe, all watch commanders have them.

Well, it used to be Lieutenant Whiz-Bang. Heh.

- Mm. - Now it's, uh, Apples.

Harold "A for Apples" Bates.

Hm.

Well, at least I earned that one.

I didn't expect to be popular. It doesn't go with the job.

Oh, Harold, that's not true.

Look, uh, try unwinding, huh?

Just a few turns of the screw.

Uh, by the way, where do we get our uniforms cleaned around here?

Little fruit stain?

Heh-heh.

Reserve Officers banquet.

Yeah. Parnell's. Couple of blocks east.

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

Lieutenant, Grossman and I came in early to

finish the reports on the loss of our motors.

Also, there's a final on Melvin Harley's arrest.

Yeah, put it in the inbox.

Ah. What do you know about that?

Well, for starters, uh, it's an apple.

You're quite a sleuth.

Hey, you in the paratroops?

Reserve commission. Why?

Well, uh, a bunch of us are gonna be skydiving this Sunday. You wanna join us?

What motivates the invitation?

What motivates it?

I let you off on the lunch break violation, perhaps you can persuade me...

to, uh, do the same with the censurable incident report.

I'd be naive not to wonder.

And maybe I was naive, lieutenant, to think that a paratrooper might enjoy skydiving.

Thanks, Harlan.

If you get yourself hurt sometime...

I'll drive you to work.

Gotta write a mechanical violation, sir.

And the suspect, Melvin Joe Harley...

he came up with bail and he's got a lawyer to pay...

so he must be hard up for bread.

If he's one of the Rent-A-Crooks, and we're sure he is...

they may be planning another truck heist.

So watch out for them.

Okay, lieutenant.

My only item this morning will be operation fuel conservation.

Now, how about it, sarge?

How are we doing? Just the high and the low achievers.

See how the mighty shall fall. Heh.

Okay, motor officers are Grossman on top.

- Hey. - Proud.

Jensen on the bottom, but improving.

"Improving," that's the word.

How about patrol cars?

The high man is Barry Baricza, 22.7, and, um, I'll check these other figures.

- Ah. Hey, there you go. All right. - Thank you. Thank you.

Low man? No, no, no, let's have it. We're all in this together.

Yeah, uh, it's 14.2, but, uh, I'll take this up with you later.

Now, Joe, uh, not that there's gonna be any firing squad...

but 14.2 is deplorable mileage.

Some hot dog in the group is, uh, failing to cooperate.

The rest of us have a right to know who it is. Now, out with it.

Um...

Lieutenant, it's you.

Sergeant, report to me after the briefing.

Sergeant, your people may think otherwise...

but I'm aware that CHP officers are fallible human beings.

Ours is a grinding tough job.

A little fun and games help ease the tension we all feel every day.

If it amuses them, they can string my office with apples...

kid me about it till the cows come home.

Playing cutesy with my gasoline supply is another matter.

- Lieutenant, are you implying...? - I don't imply, I say.

I just don't understand your people's sense of humor.

Why, Harold?

Isn't it covered in the book of regulations?

And just where do you think we'd be without regulations, sergeant?

Nowhere.

But they look at the book the way I do. As a guide, not a Bible.

Which puts you and the troops on a different wavelength.

Well, since I'm the watch commander here, suppose the troops get on my wavelength?

Look, Harold...

this is the top-rated unit in the state.

- You said you were proud to be here. - I am.

Well, it is not, it has never been...

and I don't think a Spartan general could make it be an uptight GI outfit.

I don't intend it that way.

My first priority here is to run a smooth operation.

Look, lieutenant, give some priority...

to getting acquainted with the people that made it the way it is.

You keep calling them my people. Wrong.

They're yours. Yours to win and yours to lose.

I'm one of them.

Why am I unable to see maturity and judgment

in a person who would drain my gas tank?

And I hope you don't condone that, because fuel conservation is serious business.

Your gas tank, lieutenant, is a tin god, and they're punching holes in it.

Sergeant.

Look, I don't condone it.

And, uh, I will find out who did it.

No, don't bother. I'll do that myself.

Look, uh, about Poncherello...

first, can we do something about his using the lobby...

as a social center?

And second, as I said before, his sense of humor...

That shirt he's wearing, is that a joke?

I don't know.

I know it doesn't fit exactly, but it is regulation.

Well, it's awful.

Tell him to get rid of it.

That's all.

Right.

Uh, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Ever since I requested it, uh...

Grossman has been doing a superior job of parking his motorcycle.

He's even coming in early, in fact, to make sure that everything is right.

Um, do me a favor.

Give him this for me.

As a small award.

All right, lieutenant.

- I - don't understand this.

I'm not sure I want to either.

Hold it.

I think that's Latin.

Yeah, it is. I learned it in high school.

It's an old proverb, Grossie.

"Beware. All the trouble in the world began with one apple."

Why don't we just rent one like always?

Because my picture is posted in every rental agency in this town.

Ty, with your credit rating, you couldn't rent a beach umbrella.

Just do like I told you.

Hey, you finished Red's tractor, huh?

Look, I only got two hands.

Guess he couldn't wait, come and got it.

He did, he's a jerk.

I told him there was only four good pumps left in them brakes.

Don't worry, he knows it, he'll be careful.

Ain't my responsibility. I told him.

Ought to be about 30 grand worth of sirloins in that thing.

Do your thing, baby.

You look uncomfortable.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am. Heh.

I'm a motor cop.

I hate to be surrounded by scrap iron and glass.

Well, bear with me.

When I learn the territory, I'll set you free.

In the meantime, it's a nice chance for us to get better acquainted.

Yeah, well, you should be driving with some car cops.

I will.

By the way, I, uh, know who was futzing with my fuel tank.

You gonna put them on report?

No. I suppose it was a joke.

Not a very good one.

But at least they didn't abandon me at sea in an open boat.

All units in the vicinity of I-10 and Western...

Calcutta Packers report a reefer trailer stolen within the last 10 minutes.

Tractor used was a white Ford.

Trailer taken is white with no distinguishing markings.

Turn around.

Last seen southbound on Western...

north of I-10.

Suspects driving the tractor described as a salt-and-pepper team.

Sounds like our Rent-A-Crooks. Let's go, Grossie.

Hey, that's a feeder ramp, Mel.

They're coming after us.

Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to have hamburgers for dinner again after all.

Get them. I'll handle this.

Harold, that was not the time for a nice regulation U-turn.

That was the time to slam into a bootlegger 180.

Abuse of state equipment is a cardinal violation, sergeant.

We got no brakes.

Pushing 80, Harold.

Endangering life and property.

Decision time.

Uh, tell Baker to break it off.

Alert all units up ahead to stay in contact with the suspect.

L.A. 15 S-4...

- back off. Don't force it. - No brakes!

Do you copy, Mary 3?

S-4 15, Mary 3, he has no brakes.

Any bright ideas?

Get up beside him when you can.

There's a fork in the road up ahead that leads to an uphill grade.

Follow us!

- Put it in gear. Put it in gear! - I can't. I can't get it in gear!

- Put it in gear! - Hey, put it in gear!

Hey, lieutenant.

Come on, let's go.

Abuse of state equipment is a cardinal violation, lieutenant.

If regulations get in the way of real police work, sarge, something's gotta give.

You, uh, didn't see me hit any apples, did you?

Harlan!

Put that siphon away. No more of that, for Pete's sake.

- You trying to get me fired or what? - I didn't bringeth it for you.

I bringeth it for him.

Grossman, I figure you owe me 11 gallons. Is that fair?

Eleven? But my tank doesn't hold that much.

No problem.

Your credit's good.