Original subtitles

You already have a date for tonight, alright?

Yeah, I know.

Blind date I never should have agreed to.

I may need a backup, though.

- Yeah. - That's three dollars even.

Look, one thing you and Heather have in common

Jenny says she's an excellent dancer

and she's light on her feet.

Yeah. I bet she spends half the night dancing on mine.

Sure. That's touch dancing, man.

That's the new thing. It's in.

Hey, you better give me another bill. This one's bogus.

- 'It's fake.'

- Phony. Counterfeit. - You got to be kidding.

'They've been turning up in the neighborhood.'

'I got stuck with a couple myself.'

'Yeah, I got a flier on it over the weekend.'

Yeah, well, I already cashed my overtime check

at the market where I always shop.

You better check your other bills, Ponch.

Aw...oh, man.

Oh, man. Look at that, Jon.

Two more!

Hey, you're broke, partner.

You could've killed me, you maniac!

Well, I-I-I'm sorry. I..

Oh, now, let's hear some crack

about I'm so small, you didn't see me.

Well, you got to admit, it's a pretty big car

for a man your size.

Oh Well, come here. Look.

"A man my size."

I want you to see this.

But, sir, handling this car, it's not easy.

Look, my car is specially rigged for me.

I got a built-up seat, a cushion, brake, accelerator.

I could drive as well as anyone.

LA 15 7-Mary-3 and 4

like to report a TC on the 210 freeway just east of Arlington.

'10-4, LA 7-Mary-3 and 4.'

How you doing? Anybody hurt here?

Uh, Mr. Big, he's a--

Officer, I'm an attorney, and, uh--

Okay, okay. Take it easy, would you?

Now, are you the drivers involved?

Yes.

Alright, let's start with driver's license

and registration, please.

Alright. Keep it moving. Go on.

Dear God. Look at all the police.

Police aren't interested in us, dad.

All they want us to do is keep on moving.

They're busy with the accident.

I do hope that nobody's been killed.

Just watch the officer up ahead

obey his signals and don't do anything sudden.

- I don't think anyone's hurt. - Praise the Lord.

Anyhow, we have more important things to think about.

'Keep it moving, folks.'

Come on. Keep it moving. Let's go. Let's go.

Come on.

Will you be assessing the blame in your report?

Don't worry. He's not going to nail you.

He's got me to pin it on.

Look, we don't pin anything on anybody, Mr. O'Hara.

We just report the facts as we find them.

- Excuse me. - Thank you.

'You want to bet, huh?'

How much do you want to bet?

Hold it down, sir. Please calm yourself, okay?

Mr. O'Hara, as a practicing attorney, I've learned that

the police are usually efficient, thorough and fair.

Huh! Oh, brother. Huh! What a lie.

Okay. Okay, I see what's coming.

Just like always, the little guy takes the rap. Huh, okay.

Well..

It's like talking to a wall.

Uh, wait a minute.

If it's my insurance rate that has to go up

I'm going to get my money's worth.

Put that down.

Why? I'm only going to wreck up this car a little more.

You'll make me pay for it anyhow.

Come on, sir. This is stupid, you know?

Stupid?

He plows into me and gets away with it

just because he's tall. That's what's stupid.

I'm an excellent driver

but I never get the benefit of the doubt.

Now, look, nobody's gonna judge this case here

at roadside and nobody's taking advantage of your size.

Now, put that down.

If you both come with me, I'll take you

where your cars are being towed.

Listen, uh, call your insurance men

give them our names, alright?

Okay.

'Thank you, officer.'

'I'm sorry about all of this.'

'It's okay.'

Hey, don't put me in the back with Mr. Big Shot.

I might go for him.

You know, for a little guy O'Hara's got

a pretty big temper.

Yeah, but don't worry about it.

Baricza's taking karate lessons.

I think you'll like this batch, Mr. Delgado.

It's better than the one we brought last week.

The plates were made from a new set of photo negatives.

You can handle these for us, can't you?

The big shipment?

I think your people in Europe are going to be

really happy with it and by the time it works its way

back into US banks, no bloodhound on this earth

will be able to trace it to you.

How come you're in the counterfeiting business?

I thought religious rackets paid off pretty good.

Caesar demanded that so much be rendered unto him

that we couldn't survive.

Caesar?

What he means is the IRS

rescinded our tax-free status.

We haven't closed the church, of course

because it covers the printing company.

Okay. You're right about this.

'It is good.'

It's worth 12 cents on the dollar.

Is that all?

If you can deliver five million dollars at 20, here, by Friday

that's 600,000 in cash for you.

Friday?

Alright. You got yourself a deal.

Well, take them to the Federal Building

secret service counterfeit division.

Well, they won't give him good money for 'em, will they?

Nope. Not a chance.

Maybe I ought to take them back to my market.

After all, they pawned them off on me.

Oh, Frank, you can't pass 'em back.

You know perfectly well.

Why should he get stuck? I mean, he didn't do anything wrong.

It just isn't fair.

'Well, life isn't fair.'

Now, that's a lesson worth a lot more than 60 bucks.

'And talking about what's fair'

'why don't you get back on your beats?'

Give the state a day's work for its money.

Come on. Get out of here.

Hey, Ponch. Hey, Jon.

Hey, Ponch, got change for a 20?

You know, Grossie, you're about as funny as

a blind dog in a butcher shop.

How could you let that happen?

You got to be more observant.

I suppose something like that couldn't happen to you, huh?

Never. My grandfather told me many times.

"Things are seldom as they seem

especially when money's involved."

Okay, next time I go cash my paycheck

I'll take your grandfather with me.

Grandpa passed in '66.

'I'll go with you, if you like.'

Want to know where I'd like you to go?

Tell me later.

Man, after a day like today

even a blind date wouldn't be that bad.

Jon Baker and..

Ponch.

Whatever.

Want to dance?

Hey!

Sorry about Ponch. He hates blind dates.

Come on.

Right.

Boy, you sure know how to move.

Hey, I'm just getting warmed up.

Then why did we stop? Come on!

Relax, let's take some time out

and get to know each other.

Okay.

What's your sign?

Sign? Oh, I'm an Aquarius.

Wow! Me, too!

Don't you just love astrology?

Well, to tell the truth, I'd rather hear about you.

I just told you. I'm Aquarius.

There's got to be more than that.

I mean, um, what do you like?

Dancing, I know. Y

Uh-huh.

Great. Um..

Who's your favorite director?

Oh, you know, the ones who do the funny flicks.

'I just love to laugh.'

Um, then I guess the energy crisis is upsetting, huh?

Boring!

Right, right. Okay.

Well, what did you think of Heather?

Well, I made another date with her

but that was before I realized

she was sort of shallow.

Yeah, well, she doesn't dance shallow.

Yeah, but that's all she can do.

She had nothing to say, no opinions, nothing!

All she can do is dance.

Hey, Baker, Poncherello.

Uh, what did we do wrong and how'd you find out about it?

There's a Ross Genelli in my office, federal agent

about those counterfeit 20s you turned in.

Thanks, sarge.

And try not to be too late for briefing, huh?

I've been to the market where you picked up the phony bills.

Great. Did you catch the bums?

'No.'

We broke up an operation in San Francisco

a few weeks ago, seized the plates

'and the press but the counterfeiter got away.'

'He used a phony name.'

So now he's in business here.

How can he be? I mean, if you have his press and plates?

The plates are made from photo negatives.

We didn't get the negatives.

So my three 20s will help you find him.

No.

That's two "no's" already.

'They might.'

Now, we think they're floaters

from the San Francisco operation.

That negative had a flaw, so he..

'...probably made a new negative by now.'

- Sure.

By comparison with the bill he photographed.

Well, great. Do you have the bill?

- No. - That's three.

So how do you know that he's in business here?

We don't.

You said he was.

No. Yousaid he was.

You know something we don't know?

Well, maybe, if you tell us what you know.

I'm not at liberty to do that.

'Okay, just tell me..'

...do I get any compensation for turning in the phonies?

- Oh, sure. - Alright.

The thanks and appreciation of the United States government.

Okay, that's about it.

Except there are too many reports

of people siphoning off other people's gas

so, uh, keep alert out there.

Okay. That's it.

Oh, gee, sarge. We missed the whole briefing.

Yeah. I apologize.

Oh, uh... what did you find out?

Well, they have this counterfeit finder downtown

who's kind of a supercomputer.

You just feed in the series date

and the faceplate number and a couple of other things.

What it comes down to is I'm out my 60 bucks.

Now, you know, Jon, we never asked that guy

at the Burger Palace about the phonies he was stuck with.

'Hey, hold it, Sherlock.'

No jurisdiction awards.

The feds are jealous of their turf.

Just stay off it, clear?

Yeah. Go patrol a highway.

'Hey, Ponch!'

Don't take any wooden nickels.

What are you taking, funny lessons from Grossman?

Hey, look, Ponch, if you want to borrow some bread--

I do.

Two pieces with a fat, juicy hamburger in between.

At this hour in the morning?

If the Burger Palace is open.

Hey, now, wait a minute. You heard Getraer.

'Hey, partner, he didn't say we couldn't eat there.'

And if the guy who got stuck with the funny money

wants to talk about it, I can't stop him.

What about the first amendment?

That's right and if we come up with anything

we'll pass it on to Genelli.

That will be $14, sir.

Out of 20. I got to go inside and make change. Be right back.

Operator, get me the police and hurry!

Officers, he just passed me a funny $20 bill! That car!

I guess we took a wrong turn somewhere.

Yeah. I hate to cancel this one.

Let's run a pattern search.

Just to be sure.

Don't I pay you well?

Don't I pay you better than you could get anyplace else?

Answer me!

Don't be so harsh on him, Ed.

After all, even Judas couldn't

resist the temptation of silver.

'Our most basic rule.'

We do not spend this stuff ourselves!

We sell it to men like Delgado

and then we let them take the risks.

Now, how much did you take?

About 400.

'And then, yesterday out of the box, 400.'

You passed $800 in our own neighborhood?

Have mercy.

And then you get yourself chased by the police.

They didn't catch me!

The car was leased in the name of the church.

That'll bring the police straight to us.

We'll have to report that car stolen.

Well, we certainly must try.

We'll need those blueprint changes by Friday, Bob.

No sweat, Mr. O'Hara.

I'm going over to the Edison site to check on the progress.

I thought your car was pretty well wrecked up.

I'm driving my wife's car.

If I get a scratch on it, she'll kill me.

Good luck.

Messenger service.

Oh, thank you.

Alright. Thank you.

See you later, Karen.

Who do you run for?

Run for?

Yeah. What messenger service?

- I'm not a messenger. - Well, I saw the envelope--

'Look, you just came out of the office of O'Hara and Nichols.'

I'm James O'Hara. I own half the company.

Hey, come on, man. These guys are high-powered architects.

Well, they take up the whole floor.

- 'They are big-time.' - One of the biggest.

So, uh, who do you run for?

- Hey, sarge. - Hi, sarge.

Hey, sarge.

Baker, uh, what's, uh..

...w-what's your native language?

Why?

English.

Poncherello?

Hmm?

Your native language.

English.

You remember what language I used

when I told you to keep off the federal agents turf?

Yeah. It was Swahili, wasn't it?

'Why did you guys go to the Burger Palace this morning?'

Genelli's been raising the roof all afternoon

because you guys got there ahead of him and interfered with--

Sarge...we didn't say one word to the guy at the Burger Palace.

The minute we got there, we took off after that Ford.

Yeah, we didn't know until later that

that had anything to do with counterfeit.

I'll vouch for that. I did the follow-up.

Well, I'm not involved. I was picking up my laundry.

Alright, alright, alright.

That's point number one.

Now, point number two.

- The pursuit-- - We'll nail that guy tomorrow.

And the property damage incurred

a picket fence, a swimming pool..

'...a signal post.'

- Now, you can't blame us-- - 'Oh, look, look.'

I know how innocent you guys are.

You see, but the insurance companies don't.

'Now, what I want from each of you..'

...is a form 555, plus a form 556, plus a form 769

for the fence, for the swimming pool, for the signal light

and whatever else was wrecked.

So, you see..

...I brought you some coffee.

You figure to be here a while.

- Thank you, sarge. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh, I hear acupuncture's good for writer's cramp.

Alright. Goodnight, Bear.

That car you were chasing, it's on the hot sheet.

The lessee reported it stolen.

- 'Oh, no, you don't, no, no.'

You see, if I told you that it was a church

the church of the Divine Gospel.

You see, you'd probably try to beat Genelli there

in the morning and, uh, butt in on the federal investigation.

So, no. I'm sorry. My lips are sealed.

Mm.

You know something?

Getraer's a hard man to figure out.

Things are seldom what they seem.

That's Grossman's line.

That's Grossman's grandfather's line.

Get some sleep.

Alright. Form 555, form 556.

And of course, form 769.

Hey, don't you have a date with Heather tonight?

Tomorrow night and I wish I could cancel it.

You didn't give her a chance.

She may have more upstairs than you think.

By the time we finish with this tonight

and visit that church in the morning

I may be too tired to care.

Jimmy, I'm your kid brother but I'm not a kid anymore

and I'm telling you, you can't look back.

The accident's in the past. It's over and done with.

You should have seen that Whitlock.

Big-shot lawyer, what a smoothie.

Yeah, I know, but what good does it do to brood about it?

You used to laugh at jerks like him.

I've heard all the jokes and wisecracks once too often.

I can't laugh anymore.

'That's not my big brother talking.'

See, I got enough maudlin drunks coming in here

and if you turn into a maudlin drunk..

Well, you're just going to have to

take your business someplace else.

- Can't do that. '

This is the only bar to customize a stool for me.

'Hey. Hey!'

- 'Bartender.'

Fill this up, huh?

A regular for me and a short beer for my friend.

Hey, do you remember WC Fields, huh?

"I'll have a check for a short beer."

Hey, you know what?

If you had white hair

you'd look like a short beer.

Lady, I don't think he needs a beer.

Oh. Oh, okay.

How about some milk and cookies?

I think you better knock it off.

Hey, come on.

Look, we all have our bad times, huh?

I lost a husband last year.

You don't see me crying, do you?

Nah. Just drink up. Forget it.

Madam, uh...I'm sure your heart's in the right place.

But you can't reach that high.

And if you try, I'm going to have you pinched.

Funny.

'Funny.'

Hey, Jim. You don't have to go.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Stick around.

Hey, I didn't hurt your feelings, did I?

No. No, not at all.

I just have to get back to the circus.

Lion tamer.

Lion tamer. Lion tamer?

Yeah. One of the best.

Hmm.

You got the address of that church?

Yeah, right here. Church of the Divine Gospel.

- Morning, morning. - Morning.

Oh, Poncherello, Baker..

...when you get to the church..

- Yeah.

You'll find it closed for renovation.

'No one there.'

How could he have known where we were going?

Oh, double agents, hidden cameras, laser beams

secret service has its ways.

- Go around him. - Hey, nuts to that.

He's supposed to get out of the way.

Hey, jerk! Move over!

Hey, dum-dum, you think you own the whole freeway?

Look, he's not a dum-dum. He's a leprechaun.

'Hey, shorty, does your mother know you have the car?'

Oh, brother.

- Hey, sailor.

What are you doing, buddy?

Hey, what's happening?

- 'Learn how to drive, buddy.' - 'Grow up, man.'

'Why don't you take up the freeway?'

'Hey, big boy!'

'Why don't you learn how to drive?'

Come on!

Breaker, breaker. This is Memphis Moe.

Any smokeys listening?

'Two kids playing tag with another car on I-10'

'in Arlington. Over.'

15 7-Adam. Mary-3 and 4, what's your 10

'Mary-3 and 4 at 51st and Jefferson.'

Uh, I got a CB call on a possible reckless

westbound I-10 at Arlington.

How about an assist?

10-4, 7-Adam.

Hey, my partner! My partner!

Are you okay?

Alright, folks. Just get back in your vehicles, please.

Let's clear the freeway.

Come on, folks. Step on it, please. Go.

Alright, let' break it up over here. Get back to your vehicles.

Come on, come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Alright.

Come on. Let's go.

Boy, you guys got here fast.

- Hey. - Let's check them out, Ponch.

Come on.

Okay, what happened?

He wouldn't get out of the way.

We were just trying to pass.

Yeah. We didn't do nothing wrong.

People hurt, cars wrecked! What do you call nothing?

'Reckless driving with injuries is a heavy rap.'

While you're thinking that one over

think of how lucky you are

you didn't get anyone killed.

'Let's go.'

Alright. Go down in there. Step down, hands on top of your head.

You, uh, feeling any better, O'Hara?

I'm gonna get the blame.

This time, I'm really going to get it.

Not according to the witnesses and we have several.

What do they know how I felt?

Oh, I see who the tears are for.

It's not what other people think.

It's what's inside of James O'Hara, isn't it?

Officer, I'm a successful man.

Alright, then give yourself some credit, would you?

And quit blaming yourself for your size!

Oh, and, uh..

...give us tall guys a break, would ya?

Come on.

I can't believe the day is only half gone.

I'm sorry, Heather.

Tonight's not my night for dancing.

I should have broken off our date.

We don't have to dance all the time.

We can talk.

We haven't done much of that.

We haven't done any of that.

Okay. Let's think of something.

I don't want to bore you, Heather.

Is something wrong?

I know you're tired.

Would you rather take me home?

Okay, look.

You're a beautiful looking lady.

You dance like a dream

but people need more than one thing in common.

I have a variety of interests

and I enjoy a good conversation--

And dumb girls are a drag.

Now, I didn't say that.

I know. You're sweet and I'm really glad.

You know, the other night

when you asked about the energy crisis?

I almost cut loose. Well, not on the crisis, per se.

But I mean, the shortage of fuel is only prodromal.

'The implications are staggering, right?'

- 'Like biospheric regression.'

It's only one theory and maybe you don't buy it.

Oh. Oh, that depends.

'I know we can't return to Camelot'

'but...well, requirements relate directly to mechanics.'

Like, the horse, as a source of energy

was a great innovation to the Scythians.

Or was it the Hittites?

- 'Heather--' - The Scythians, I guess.

Yeah, whichever ones domesticated it.

Heather, why didn't you talk the other night?

Well, I've discovered that most men shy away

from intellectual trips with their dates.

They prefer girls that are cute, simple..

...laugh and dance a lot.

And you played that act on me?

Yes.

You're a policeman.

I guess I had you stereotyped, Ponch.

You do have a bit of a macho look.

I don't.

You do.

I do?

If you want to talk about movies

there's a Bogart film on TV tonight.

Oh..

Now I know what to do with that wine I got at home.

Great.

She memorized most of the dialogue

from all the old Bogart movies.

Yeah, well. Might be able to use that.

Got to give Grossman credit.

You know, things are not always what they seem.

Give you credit, too, partner.

Heather is special.

- Different and unique. - Right.

Like that Ford that a church leased

and the church is closed.

Trying to get my mind back on business, huh?

Like The Divine Gospel.

I mean, how many places have that name?

Only the church.

Not only the church?

I did a little research last night.

Of course, it wasn't as interesting as yours, but..

...I found a Divine Gospel company right near the church.

Yeah, what kind of company is it?

I know you thought I'd never ask.

Five million dollars.

Printed, cut and banded in two days.

That's a record we can't tell Guinness about.

But we did it.

Yeah. Now let's deliver it to the man!

No, no, no. You ride up in front with dad.

I always ride in the back.

Not this time.

Oh, you don't trust me, huh?

Exactly. Get up in front.

Well, let's go in.

If the guy who was driving the Ford

is in there, I'll know him.

We can't, Ponch. Jurisdiction awards.

We're here to back the secret service.

Besides, Genelli.

He's going to be here in three or four minutes.

Hey, Jon, I'm stuck with the 60 bucks.

I want those guys..

That's him, the guy from the Ford.

Dear lord, they are on our tail.

Relax, dad. It's just coincidence.

Your faith sustains me, son.

Oh, my nerves are not fit for this.

I'm not used to outright larceny

all my life I've always just preached up

all the money I want.

The church is gone, dad. Just keep your mind on driving.

Dear heaven, he's going to pull us over.

Don't panic, it might just be

we've got a brake light out or something.

Oh, no, son. The hounds of hell are on our heels.

We have to make a run for it.

Dad! Don't!

Don't!

'"Trust in me sayeth the lord'

'and ye shall be made safe."'

This is a shopping center. You'll get us killed!

Fear not. Life everlasting shall be yours.

Women and children shall have my special protection

sayeth the Lord.

'Dad! Don't hit it!'

No!

Alright. Get out of the vehicle.

Get out.

Turn around, and put your hands on your head.

What is that Divine Gospel?

The gospel is the truth.

Truth is the word

and the divine word, my dear..

...is money.

Okay, step out of here.

Keep your hands up.

Put your hands on your head.

- It was in our jurisdiction. - Sure it was.

We would have waited for Genelli.

But then we saw the speeding van--

Yeah, it was a traffic violation

not the counterfeit, that was a five million bonus.

- Right. - Hey.

- Hey, Grossie!

Still can't believe it.

This little old lady was stopped along the road

hood up, she was looking at her engine.

And you stopped to help her and got hit by a truck?

I stopped to help her and got hit by her.

Oh, no. Please.

In the head with her purse and in my shin with her foot.

Turns out, that little motherly thing was driving a stolen car.

Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say.

Oh, now, Ponch, don't throw that back at me.

Yeah, the guy's in pain.

Oh, come on, Grossie, you don't even know

what Ponch was going to say.

Yeah, you only know what it seemshe's going to say.

Things in life are, uh, seldom what they seem.

Hey, that's what my grandfather used to say.