Original subtitles

- Hello! - Hi!

Hello, Presleys. I'm Barbara.

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you!

I know. I know it's a little rough,

but nothing a little landscaping couldn't fix, right?

- What about this porch? - Yeah.

Huh? Original everything.

- Everyone here? - Uh-huh.

Ready?

- Yeah. Let's see it. - Okay.

Everything okay?

Oh! Yes! Come in. Come in!

Cleaning crew can't come until Tuesday.

As you can see,

the home has tons of old-world charm.

The house was built in 1904.

It's registered with the Illinois Historic Preservation Society.

Instant value added.

And look at all the gorgeous...

Where's Kevin?

What are you doing?

Come inside.

Do I have to?

Yes, you have to.

Tons of closet space, huh?

Primary bath, original fixtures and tile.

Oh! And have you noticed the high ceilings? I mean...

The house is just listed really low.

And I know it's a fixer-upper, but still...

- Nothing, like, bad happened here, right?

Oh my...

Oh my gosh, no. It's just a buyer's market.

Got ya, bitch.

- Ha, ha, ha. You got me. Ha.

- Were you there the whole time? - Yeah.

- Oh my God. - It took you long enough.

Got me messing up my drip with all this dust.

...little work, yard work or anything like that.

You know what I'm saying? Oh!

Think we're gonna move here?

Hell no, man.

This place is a dump.

Watch your right side. Come in tight!

No, no, no. Turn more.

Hey, wait! No, no, no!

Hey, watch it! You hit the mailbox, man!

There's ten more of those on the truck, and they ain't moving themselves.

Funny.

Oi, Joy!

Nasty.

Nasty. Nasty.

- Nasty. Nasty.

Nasty.

Ooh.

What are you doing?

Oh yeah.

Come on.

- It's a dance party, man.

Pick something good.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Come on, man. It's a dance party, Kev.

Remember you used to dance with your old man? Come on.

Show me some of them moves.

Come on. Look! Come on.

Come on, man.

I'm good, Dad. Thanks.

What the hell? Give me my phone!

- After dinner. - Mom!

- I'm not getting in the middle of this. - Yeah, of course not.

Come on, Frank. Give me a break.

So, what? You'd rather listen to some old white dude play guitar?

Terry Kath is one of the greatest guitarists of all time.

"Terry Kath is one the greatest..."

That's not true. Jimi Hendrix is the greatest.

Oh. Did you read that in Rolling Stone?

No, it's a fact. Ask anybody.

Or just ask Jimi Hendrix himself.

He said Kath was his greatest inspiration.

He was a genius.

The dude accidentally shot himself in the face.

A genius he is not.

Says the guy reading a book for dummies.

You know what?

I'm sorry you're so unhappy.

Okay?

Now, we're all here trying to get a fresh start.

I'd appreciate it if you'd come at it with a little bit more positivity.

How many fresh starts are we at now, Dad?

I lost count.

What the hell, man?

What?

He started it.

No, no, no. Wait. Don't go!

Shit.

Holy shit.

"Most entities have been displaced by trauma."

Psst!

Hey!

Yeah, you.

Can you come in and guard the door for a sec?

Come on.

Um...

I don't think you're supposed to be doing that.

Some racist douche bag wrote my number down.

I keep getting text messages asking for free rice.

- Free rice?

Oh! You don't know?

Asian people only eat rice.

Why not just change your number?

So, I should cave under the pressure of institutionalized abuse?

Uh, no. I meant...

Besides, do you know how clutch this number is?

222-POOP.

Phone numbers that good are, like, impossible to get.

So, uh, I... I think we're neighbors.

We are?

Yeah. Um...

My family just moved into the house next to yours.

You moved into the House of Death?

- House of what? - Everyone says it's haunted.

I'm an atheist, so I'm not supposed to believe in that kind of shit,

but secretly, I'd love to die and then, I don't know,

come back as some fierce ghost and haunt Ted Cruz.

Anyway.

Uh... Neighbor, we should hang. What are you doing after school?

Oh, um... After school...

Well, I, um... I have a lot... I have to study.

- That's one thing I have to do, study. - Cool.

Okay, well, uh, I guess you know my number in case you change your mind.

Or if you need rice.

Oh, what's with that face?

- How was your ride home? - Great.

How about you, Kevin? How was your ride home?

Good.

- Fulton, give me your phone. - Why?

Susan said she saw your brother walk to school this morning.

You had one job.

That's bullshit.

Kevin.

No comment.

Hello?

It's me again.

You there?

Boo!

Hey. Hey. Stop.

Stop.

It's not happening, bro.

Listen, I know it... it probably worked on everyone else before,

but my personal life is, like, 1,000 times scarier than this.

Sit down.

Come on.

Cool shirt.

I've only been bowling once when I was, like, eight.

My dad got into a fistfight with the guy in the lane next to us

over an order of buffalo wings.

Manager threw my whole family out. They banned us for life.

Can you talk?

Just moans and groans?

Did you, like, die here?

In this house?

You don't remember?

Do you remember anything?

So,

it's Ernest, right?

The name on your shirt.

I'm Kevin.

- Whoa.

That's so trippy.

Nice to meet you, Ernest.

So...

we can't touch you, but you can touch us?

Hmm.

Kind of like a stripper.

Kev!

I need your phone.

Jeez, it's freezing in here, man.

Yo, butt munch. Your phone, come on.

Why? Why do you need my phone?

Because, unlike you, I have friends. It's your fault Mom took my phone away.

Um, I didn't drop me a mile away from school.

- Okay, where is it? Right there? Where? - No. Fulton.

Stop! Fulton!

Get off of me! Fulton!

What the hell?

Why are you in such a chipper mood?

What?

Am I not allowed to be in a good mood?

You can be in whatever mood you want. You know.

Good mood is good. It's just rare.

Hey. Let him have it.

Thank you.

Okay.

We know that every atom,

every molecule of the human body, is composed of energy,

but what happens to that human energy field when the body dies?

I believe that that energy could be captured.

See the beyond. Hear the beyond.

Be the beyond.

Judy Romano is the West Bay Medium.

- Friday, 9:00, 8:00 Central on TSE. - What the hell is this?

What are you doing with my phone?

- Fulton. - Oh, you sneaky little bitch.

Why you keeping this shit a secret?

- Fulton, give it to me now! - Hold on.

Will you two knock it off?

We have a ghost.

- Okay. - No, I'm serious.

Kevin caught him on camera. Look.

- That some kind of scary movie? - No.

Hey, this is pretty good. How'd you do this?

I didn't do anything.

Oh shit!

- Oh, we gotta show Mom. - No, no, no, no.

- We can't tell her about this. - Why not?

Because she'll freak out. You know this.

Come on, pinky swear.

- Seriously? - Get it up. Come on, pinky swear.

- Kiss it. - I'm not gonna...

Kiss it.

- Good.

- Can I have my phone back now? - Yeah. Send me the video.

- Why? - Come on!

Why's everything a production with you? Just send me the video, please?

Fine.

- There.

Got it. Thanks.

Come on.

"The little girl lay there in quiet terror,

the figure hovering over her bed."

"And though the entity had no discernible face,

she knew it meant to do her harm."

"In one sudden motion, it launched,

covering her mouth, stopping the scream."

"It smelled of peppermint and rot."

Sh!

"The world started spinning before she blacked out."

"When she finally awakened, the entity was gone."

"Of course, no one believed her."

"She was a child."

"It was just a dream. An overactive imagination."

"But the little girl knew the truth."

"The spirit realm is real, and it is dangerous."

Thank you.

Nobody believed me either.

My ghost is still with me.

He followed me home from a Red Lobster six years ago,

and I can't seem to shake him.

Now, I have tried to...

Excuse me! I'm having a conversation here!

He's very possessive and a homosexual.

I am so tired.

Thank you.

Oh God, please.

Hi.

Hey, have you seen that viral video that's been going around?

I don't do social media. It makes me nauseous.

Well, guy finds a ghost in his attic.

And I don't know. I mean, it looks... it looks pretty legit.

They always are until they aren't.

Oh, this... this isn't my book.

Mm.

It has over a thousand views.

- Is that good? - Don't quit your day job.

"Cool graphics. What are you using? Maya or ZBrush?"

"Lame-balls. I've seen better stuff on Ghost Hunters."

- What? - They think this is fake.

Yeah, but it's real.

Frank. Are you guys watching dirty stuff? What are you watching?

- Nothing. - Dad posted a video of... Ugh!

- Fulton, I just bought those oranges! - God!

Worried about the oranges. Cool.

Organic fruit is expensive. You guys are up to something.

No, we're not.

- Nothing. - Hmm. Fishy, fishy.

Snitches get stitches.

- Let's do this. - Yeah.

Hello?

We don't mean you any harm.

Wikia says you should speak in a firm, commanding voice

so the ghost knows you're in charge.

Got it.

Spirit of this house!

- Show yourself! - Yeah.

- Huh?

Dad, look.

Boo.

Oh my gosh.

It's not funny, man.

It's totally funny.

You're gonna scare it away, dumbass.

No. Your patronizing, crappy exorcist act is scaring it away.

Hey.

It's me again.

This is my... my dad, Frank, and my brother, Fulton.

What's up?

They wanna meet you.

Lame.

You know what? Hold on.

I have an idea.

Where are you going?

He said he has an idea.

What? He's gonna get the ghost and bring him back up here?

Oh, look at this fool.

Shut up, dog face.

I actually have a pretty attractive face. Ask anybody.

Hey. Let him play.

Holy shit, it's working. Keep going.

Holy shit, look! There he is. Shit.

Hey.

Hey, it's okay.

All good, see?

Ask him something.

- He can't talk. - Why not?

I don't know. 'Cause he's a ghost.

- Frank! - Oh shit!

He has to go. Hey, uh...

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!

Frank.

What is this?

- Uh...

- Uh... - Really? Gonna act like we don't know?

Hmm? 'Cause that's our house. Right?

And that's his voice behind the camera, right?

- I... I, uh... - You what?

- Uh... - You what, Frank? What?

26,000 views in less than five minutes. This is huge.

- I saw it with my own eyes, Barbara.

Sweetie, I'm sure you think you did.

My daughter Carly took a Xanax with a bottle of Pinot Grigio

and thought she was Edith Piaf.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not on drugs. We have proof.

There's footage online.

- Hey, where do you think you're going? - Out?

- Uh, no. Not so fast. - Mom!

Barbara, I'm pretty sure you broke some kind of non-disclosure laws here.

We don't have to disclose ghosts. Not in the fine print.

Oh! Well, then you'll be hearing from our lawyer.

- We have a lawyer? - Of course not. We're broke.

- 27,000! - Can I go?

No! You were in on this whole thing!

Dad made us promise.

Oh my God. Frank.

- I knew you were gonna freak out. - Yes!

Any rational human being would!

We have a ghost in our attic!

- Mel, I'm sorry. I should've... - And then to hear it from someone else?

Somebody who saw it on freaking YouTube? What happened to communicating more?

Wasn't that the point of sitting through 20 sessions with Dr. Mouth-breather?

- Okay. I'm out. - Kevin.

30,000. I'm so getting laid for this.

- Fulton! - Get out of here.

Mel, I'm sorry.

- We are moving. - No. Wait, no. No, no, no.

- Wait, wait, wait. - No. No, no, no, no.

We are not gonna be like

every stupid white family in every horror film. We are leaving.

Will you just hear me out? Please, listen.

Mel.

I don't think you understand how big this is.

We've captured something no one else ever has, ever,

in the history of the recorded world!

This is not up for discussion, Frank!

Okay. So who are you gonna sell the house to, huh?

Because every dollar we have is wrapped up into this.

Well, if it wasn't for you and that stupid video...

And that's my point.

That's money, baby.

Look, you have guys out there right now making millions on their channel

by playing Minecraft and lighting their farts on fire!

And, Mel, we actually have a ghost!

This feels like Houston.

Houston was a pyramid scheme. That's different.

This... this is real.

This is our chance. This could change everything.

Mel.

Look at me, baby. Please?

Look.

I just need to win once.

Just once.

You know this is crazy.

Right?

-That's not a ghost. - Are you kidding me?

He just walked through the wall!

Oh Jesus!

- Nuh-uh!

What is this?

Ernest is fine!

Mmm!

I do have a crush on Ernest the ghost!

I had a dream last night that Ernie impregnated me.

This is what our son looked like.

"Run into a wall like Ernest."

Oh my gosh. Okay.

-You good? You good... Dude, your face.

My name's Cory, and we're going with the Ernest Challenge. Check me out.

Ghost rights are human rights, you guys.

Ghost rights.

What?

Just because you're not made of matter, it doesn't mean you don't matter.

If you want rights, go to New Zealand.

They'd love to have you, but we're fine. Thank you very much.

Also, COVID is not real.

Mental abuse!

I'm just out here trying to normalize ghost love.

-They're among us. - Light one up for my ghoulies.

-Who knew someone so dark... - He's just living in the house.

...could make me feel...

It's a classic campfire tale.

A family moves into an old house that has a ghost lurking in its halls.

But for a family in Chicago, that spooky scenario just became real,

and they've got the YouTube videos to prove it. Take a look.

Frank.

- What is this? - Uh...

What?

- It might be time to call the movers.

- My guests today have... - Holy shit.

Make sure Anderson gets briefed before we meet with Congressional Affairs.

Are you chewing gum? What else we got?

- That woman called again. Leslie? - Agent Schipley!

- Oh, Christ on a cracker. - Agent Schipley.

Leslie. What a lovely surprise.

I've been calling your office for the past three days.

- Really? I didn't know. - You saw this, right?

- Uh, no clue. - It's an RHE.

Leslie, I really appreciate you coming all the way down here, but...

I ran prelim diagnostics. I couldn't find any foreign artifacts.

Digital forensics, clean. This one's real.

We need to reopen Wizard Clip.

That program was mothballed 20 years ago and for a good reason.

This is our chance to prove once and for all

that spectral phenomena is not some fantasy.

Let's go.

- Thanks for coming down. - Please! He's real!

- Come with us, ma'am. Come on, ma'am. - He's real! Agent Schipley!

He's real! Please!

What?

This is crazy. How you doing? Yo! What's up?

This is insane.

Yo, what's up? What's up? What's up?

How do you feel about this ghost?

Can you tell us more about Ernest?

Yo, one second! One second! Okay, all right! Yo!

Frank, please. Frank, tell us, please, about the entity!

- All right, okay, yeah. - The supernatural entity, Ernest!

When's the last time you saw Ernie?

How do you respond to those who say this is all a hoax?

Uh, if you think it's a hoax, look around.

- There's a lot of people here. I mean... - Is your family safe?

- Is the community safe? - When's the last time...

Of course they're safe. I mean, he's a ghost.

Hey, thank you, guys!

Who is coming into my house?

You guys have a lot of nerve! This is a private re...

Frank!

- I know. - This is insane.

- I can't leave the house.

It's not that bad.

Whoa, not that bad?

Someone tried to crawl down the chimney today...

- What? - ...to get in. Yeah! They got stuck.

- I had to call the fire department.

Do you know how crazy that is to have a human being in there?

- It ain't Christm...

- Jesus Christ. - Ha!

- Not funny. - Oh...

Hey, go away, or we're calling the cops.

Everything I've read says that memory loss is connected to trauma.

It's a self-defense mechanism.

We need visual stimuli to help trigger your memory.

Oh my God.

No?

It's creepy.

It's one of Dad's failed business things.

"Male enhancement pills."

But instead of boners, they just gave everyone diarrhea.

Do you remember something?

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

Move out, move.

- You know, there's ghosts everywhere! - Look at him.

He loves it.

Wh...

Why help?

"Why"? Why, what?

Why help you?

'Cause you're stuck.

Nobody wants to be stuck, right?

- Hey, neighbor!

That...

That was loud.

I've never understood the whole "quiet-in-the-library" thing.

Like, what? Noise makes you stupid?

Anyway, how are you? How's the ghost?

Our whole street's a shitshow, thanks to you guys.

My dad has the tow company on speed dial.

It's kind of bad, actually.

Oh.

- Sorry.

What are you working on?

Uh...

Ooh. Property records?

Uh, yeah.

I'm trying to see if Ernest actually lived in our house

before he died.

- He doesn't remember how he got there? - He doesn't remember anything.

Ooh. A mystery.

Yeah, I'm just... Oh.

- Okay.

Are you, like, a hacker or something?

Ta-da! Mystery solved.

Ernest Scheller.

Bought the house April 5th, 1965,

and sold it December 15th, 1971.

- How did he die? - Gimme a sec.

Oh. Weird. There's no death certificate.

- Pretty sure he's dead. - You think?

Sorry. Looks like a dead end. Puns!

Uh, I gotta run. Band practice. But good luck.

Thanks.

Tina, here.

I... I don't wanna hurt your feelings or anything, but I... I'm drawing the line.

No more rest home readings.

The food always sucks.

What about Kris Jenner? Doesn't she have someone in her family that died recently?

Her dog? I'm not...

- Oh. Hey. Hi. - Hey.

You know, I just... I gotta go. I gotta go.

All right. Okay. Okay, okay. I gotta go. Hey.

- Hey! Hello. Hey! - Hey.

Oh my gosh.

- You must be Frank. - Yeah.

Everyone here at TSC is just thrilled about you and everything happening.

Well, we're really excited to have you in our home.

We're huge fans of the show.

- Aw. - We watch the show all the time.

You're a gem. You're a gem. You really are.

Oh, and you're cute!

Nobody said you were cute!

Nobody.

- Just wanna know, where's the wifey?

Uh, she's somewhere getting ready.

Good.

Lock her up.

That's right. And put her in a box under the bed because

you're mine.

Well, can you make sure that

"he's" ready for me?

- Ernest! - Yes!

He's... he's good to go. We're ready. We...

- We're cool. - Oh, good.

Because I'm ready for him.

Oh. Look, look. See?

That's the kind of vibe you gotta work.

Intensity. Visceral.

- Where'd he go? Make him come back. - Who?

Kevin, don't play around. I know he was here.

He's not your lapdog.

I didn't say he...

Look, I got Judy Romano in my living room right now, man.

- I don't even know who that is. - Yo, the West Bay Medium's downstairs!

That's who it is!

Why can't you just ask him yourself?

Because he likes you.

- He listens to you.

Sorry to interrupt, but we're ready for you downstairs.

I'm so sorry. Thank you for your patience.

We'll be right down.

Look, this is important, okay?

Now, this show has a huge following.

Now, if we nail this,

I'm talking about book deals, merchandising...

We could be the Black Kardashians. Don't you wanna be Kim Kardashian?

Okay.

Anyway.

- Fine. - You'll talk to him?

I'll try.

My man.

Hey, Ernest.

Ready to have some fun?

Are we rolling?

Oh!

There.

- Oh. So, Frank.

The entire world right now is captivated by your interactions with Ernest.

Yeah.

You know, but there's a fair amount of skepticism out there too.

I mean, even myself. Even myself.

I was like,

"I don't think I believe these videotapes," you know?

But now that I am here, right in this room,

feeling what I'm feeling,

I mean... ...it's all very palpable, isn't it, right?

Yeah. Ernest is real.

There's... there's no magic here.

So... is he here now?

He... he... he's coming. Right?

He's just shy, you know? There's a lot of... a lot of people.

Uh-huh.

Frank.

Oh. Oh. Um...

Uh...

Ernest!

You here, man?

Ernest, everyone's waiting.

No.

Okay. Okay.

Listen, Frank, if you could just, uh,

fix your little hologram machine, okay, 'cause I need to get outta here.

No, no, no. There is no hologram. He's...

Ernest!

- We're outta here. - No, wait.

- We're done. - Stop, no. Stop, please.

Just... just wait, please?

Hey.

Great production value, Frank.

- What?

- Do something!

- What am I supposed to do? - Tell him to stop!

Oh God!

I gotta get out of basic cable.

It's just so unprofesh.

What the...

Oh. You again.

Yeah, you know what? On second thought, Tupac was better.

Yeah. I'm gonna have to fix you in post.

This is a disaster.

They wanted a ghost. They got a ghost.

Yeah, they wanted a ghost, and we gave 'em The Conjuring.

Oh, it's funny to you, huh? Everything's a joke to you.

Fulton, not now, man.

We're getting tons of views on the new video.

- You posted it without my permission? - Yeah, so?

I’m ma get sued, man!

Three million views in six minutes.

- That's gotta be a record, right? - Mm.

Good work, man!

- Hey, kiss my ass, Pewdiepie.

Dr. Monroe. Are you there?

About damn time.

- You're not gonna believe what I found. - What?

- Not here. Come on. - What?

Sorry. Need a minute.

You can't be in here.

Says who? Your stupid gender norms? Beat it, roach!

Joy, what the hell? Are you losing your mind?

No, but prepare to lose yours.

It's not him.

Yeah, but that's why we couldn't find a death certificate.

Ernest Scheller isn't dead.

That guy used to live in your house though.

I cross-referenced, like, a bunch of records to make sure.

- So, who's our Ernest? - Mmm.

But I bet my left nut that guy knows who he is.

- You bet your what? - That Ernest lives somewhere in Oklahoma.

I'm still trying to find out where.

But he used to own this dive bar that's still around.

Oh shit! That's like a mile from us.

Yeah, I know. What if we took him there?

Who?

- Our Ernest? - Yeah.

Maybe they knew each other.

Maybe it was like a hangout, and there's a trigger there.

Joy, he can't leave the house.

He... He's stuck there.

Are you sure?

- Ernest! I love you, Ernest!

Nonexclusive? Are you kidding me, man?

Look, I'm already runnin' original content through my channel

and making three times what you offered, so think about what you just said.

Think of a number and call me back, all right? Bye.

Frank, can you get the door, please?

No, look, I'm serious. Like, an Ernest cartoon would be amazing.

But I want it to be something like Adult Swim.

Have you ever seen a naked ghost? I haven't. What would that look like?

- Frank, are you gonna get the door? - What parts would a naked ghost have?

Okay, I'm coming!

- Sorry. We're not talking to the press.

Just a few minutes of your time, if I may, please?

And Joy was doing all this research.

Found out that the guy who lived here used to own a bar not too far from here.

So we figured, if we could get you to the bar,

maybe you'd remember something.

Oh!

Joy.

Come on.

You're right. Sorry.

Okay, so we figured that if we could get...

It's so cold!

Oh my God, I'm sorry. It's...

I love this. I'm... I'm a fan.

I just... I know I'm being annoying.

Just, this is a thing that's actually happening, and...

Sorry.

Anyway.

We need to get you outside.

Are you sure you can't leave?

Have you tried?

I mean, really tried.

Okay.

Listen, Ernest.

I get it.

You've been here a long time,

and the world is such a scary place.

Believe me, sometimes it terrifies me too,

but there aren't any answers left in this house.

If we're gonna find out who you are...

what happened to you...

it's out there.

I am so sorry to come over here uninvited.

- I would've called, you know, but... - Sorry. What's the point of this visit?

Back in the late '90s, I was recruited by the CIA

to spearhead a program called Wizard Clip.

Wizard Clip?

Is that like, y'all just get high and watch Harry Potter movies and...

Babe.

Wizard Clip was a textbook spook op,

hidden from most echelons of the government.

Our field was paranormal psychology,

but our orders were to find and apprehend a ghost.

There's nothing to be afraid of. I promise.

Okay?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Listen to me. Listen.

You're not alone anymore, Ernest.

I'm right here with you every step of the way.

You got this.

Soon as word got out that

millions of taxpayers' dollars were being spent on woo-woo science,

we were abruptly shut down,

and the agency threw me under the proverbial bus.

A sacrificial lamb.

It was soul-crushing.

But then along came Ernest.

Okay. Thank you so much for coming over, but as you can see, we are busy.

I'd like to see him.

That's not gonna happen.

I don't think you understand the gravity of your situation.

These entities, they are dangerous.

I'd like you to leave, please.

They may present kindly, but they are never who they say they are.

- I'm not gonna ask you... - Your son Kevin.

He's close to it. I've seen it in the videos. He's at risk!

All right! That's enough! Now, get out!

This is a matter of national security. I have a right to be here.

Then come back with a warrant.

But until that time, get the hell out of my house.

I'll be back.

That's a promise.

It's him!

Shit!

Oh my God! It's him! It's Ernest!

- It's him!

Ernest! Ernest!

Shit!

Dick move!

Come on.

In there!

Hey!

- Hey! - Sorry!

Hey!

Okay, whatever. Can you just make yourself invisible already?

What? Why didn't he do that sooner?

I don't know. Come on. We gotta go.

This is bullshit.

Well...I hate to remind you

about a little thing called the Fourth Amendment.

They're harboring a terrorist.

I'm not sure a ghost would legally qualify as a terrorist.

They'll make a mistake.

Careless people always do.

And when that happens...

we'll be ready.

Chuck E. Cheese is down the street, kiddos.

Do you know this guy? He used to work here back in the day.

This place has had over a dozen owners.

Can't we just look around for a minute?

Sweetie, I could lose my liquor license. You gotta go.

Come on. This is stupid. Let's just go.

Hey, wait.

Let me see that picture again.

There.

Oh my God.

See? There is a connection.

I knew it.

Hold on. You're that kid, aren't you?

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.

With the ghost in your house. It is you! Holy shit!

Okay, thank you for your time. We have to go.

You're a genius.

This Scheller guy has to know who Ernest really is.

And to think that you doubted me.

I never doubted you.

- Now we just have to find where he is. - Mom!

There's a ghost over there!

That's nice, sweetie.

Ernest.

Ernest, what's wrong?

Ernest.

Ernest!

Ernest!

Hi, Daddy.

Junebug.

Shit.

Mom!

Ernest, come on! We gotta go!

Ernest!

Ernest!

Ernest!

Ernest, come on! We gotta go!

I think a warrant just fell right into our lap.

"Ernest The Not-So-Friendly Ghost."

"Paranormal Whacktivity."

They think he's a monster now.

He saw something out there. Like he was remembering something.

Well, it looks like he's trying to kidnap Shirley Temple!

And why didn't you tell me he could go outside?

That should've been my exclusive.

You're not listening to me.

He said a name,

it was, uh, June something.

- So what? - So maybe that's why he's stuck here.

Something happened to him. Something bad.

Maybe if we help him remember more, he can, uh, cross over.

Cross over?

We don't want him to cross over, Kevin. We need him here with us.

You really don't give a shit about him, do you?

I give a shit about us! This is about our future.

This is about Fulton's college tuition. It's about yours.

Don't make this about us.

It's about you.

Always is.

Hey, I'm not finished talking to you, man.

You didn't hear a word he said.

Hello, ladies.

Dude, I just hit 200K followers on Instagram. It's insane.

Seriously?

Everybody at school is so jealous, but I didn't choose to be this hot.

I didn't choose to get famous like this.

Come on. No, literally, a supplement company hit me up.

They wanna pay me $1,000 per post.

- Hey, king. That's mental. - Yeah. Hey. Mmm...

You know I get recognized 'bout everywhere I go.

- So, I know I... - Oh, I love all that.

Fulton?

Fulton! What the hell is this?

- Freeze! - Hey, get out of my house!

Where's my babies? Kevin! Fulton!

Ernest!

You get a cell tracing?

Negative. Both kids left their cell phones behind.

We have the boy's laptop. Doing a sweep on the hard drive.

Keep them around. They might come in handy.

I don't care who the hell you are. You need to understand this is my house.

I have the power. Do you hear me?

Had. Past tense.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the guy in charge,

and if you're smart, you're gonna do exactly what we tell you.

So, according to the records I found,

Scheller lives here, just outside of Tulsa,

which is about 400 miles from here, give or take.

Shit. That's far.

We'll take driving shifts. We'll make it.

Okay. I appreciate the optimism.

You look... different.

- I do? - Yeah.

Being an outlaw suits you.

Thanks.

Um, we should... we should probably get going.

Mmm.

What?

That's beautiful.

Last night at 11:15 p.m.,

our son, Kevin Presley, and his friend, Joy Yoshino,

were abducted from our home

by an entity known as Ernest.

We're asking that anyone with information please contact your local authorities.

Asshole.

- Excuse me? - Uh...

- You... Energy drinks? - All we know is they were in their rooms.

Last aisle, in the back.

- Thanks. - At 11:15, we checked.

They were gone.

Look at these.

Come one. Try 'em. They'll look good on you.

Yeah. Flick 'em down a little. Give some 'tude.

You look like the bad guy from The Matrix.

Look how good you look.

Crap!

What? Where are you?

Shit, this is bad.

Uh-huh.

Howdy, ghost boy.

Ma'am.

- Mind stepping out of the vehicle for me? - Me?

Son, I'm gonna need you to lay down and put your hands behind your head.

Is there a problem, Officer?

- Don't make me repeat myself now.

Really sorry about this!

You have anything on you... Freeze!

Don't move!

Ha... Hands up!

- Go, go, go, go, go.

- Oh my God. I kicked him in the nuts!

- Where's Ernest? - I don't know!

- Hey, stop! - Go, go, go, go, go!

What in the hell are you doing?

- He just flipped me off! - Move your dumb ass!

Shit.

I think we lost them.

- Oh shit! - Shit!

He's right behind us, Kevin!

- You got eyes on him yet? - Oh shit. This is really happening.

There! Turn there!

I've got him! Cut him off on the other side! Yeah!

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

God! They're everywhere!

- Will they let us off if we pull over? - Are you crazy?

Kicked me in my nuts, hit my car!

Oh shit!

Let go!

- Kevin! - I see him!

You wanna play chicken? Come on!

- Welcome back.

You son of a...

The other one's coming.

Oh, oh...

Oh shit!

Holy shit, Ernest. What are you doing?

- Kevin, stop! - I can make it!

No, you can't! Stop! Kevin!

- Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Never do that again.

Yeah.

Get your ass back here!

Shit!

Where's he going?

We already told you. We don't know.

We have a right to legal counsel, all right?

You can't hold us here like animals.

When can I get my phone back?

You know what? I've gotta go to the restroom.

Do I need permission to pee?

Let her go.

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry! Are you okay?

Oh my God.

Hello?

Mom.

Oh my God, Kevin. Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Where are you?

I can't tell you, I'm sorry. But I'm safe. I promise.

I think we might have found someone who can help Ernest.

Okay. Listen to me. Just keep going.

You do whatever your heart tells you is right.

I love you so much. Okay.

I love you too.

Those darn telemarketers. They're the worst, right?

Aiding and abetting a known fugitive is a federal crime.

Where is he?

Lady, I'd just as soon swallow a bag of razor blades

and chase it with some fresh lemon juice than to tell you jack shit.

Ma'am, there's someone you should talk to.

The car, with Ernest the ghost inside,

sped through the town in an attempt to evade authorities,

causing damage all along the strip...

What are you doing?

Looking for the dead body. This room reeks.

Rusty.

Oh my God.

Wait, this must be a mistake.

- Maybe I should take a dump on the bed.

We could just share this one.

Sh... Share?

Just don't try to dry hump me.

Oh! No, I... I would never... I... I...

I'm kidding.

Come here. Grab the remote.

The global outcry continues

with protests demanding the ethical treatment of Ernest.

- I'd like to solve the puzzle! - Go ahead.

- Ernest the ghost. - Yeah.

Wow.

This is really a thing, huh?

Wow. Look at this.

Look, it's not too late for you to get out of this.

What?

I mean, everyone thinks you're kidnapped.

You could just pretend you got away.

Wait.

You're saying I should just ditch you?

- Why would I do that? - So you don't go to jail, maybe?

It's a good reason.

Are you kidding?

I was already in jail.

Band, AP classes, math tutoring, choir practice.

My dad's programmed every second of my life, and it's exhausting.

At least your dad cares.

It's a culture thing.

We have to be the best.

Prove that we belong. It's bullshit.

Sometimes it just seems like he doesn't even know me.

He just sees this fake version of me that he created.

I don't know. I guess it's what a lot of parents do.

Try and fix themselves through their kids, but they just mess 'em up more in the end.

The sad thing is me and my dad were actually best friends when I was a kid.

I miss that.

What happened?

I don't know. It...

It wasn't just one thing. It was, like, a bunch of things over time, and...

us moving around a lot,

him promising things to my mom that just never happened.

Seeing how much it would hurt her.

After a while, I just pulled away.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not even his son anymore.

What?

You're just...

You're really cool.

Thank you for helping us.

I have to go to the restroom.

- Okay. - Just one sec.

Yeah.

Ernest.

Would you knock it off?

Ernest, stop.

Ernest. Listen to me.

- What are you doing? Stop, Ernest.

- What? What is this? - Ah!

What?

Stop. Ernest!

- Everything okay? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, everything's fine.

Go away.

I'll stay here.

Keep a lookout.

Honk the horn if you see anything suspicious.

Stay out of sight, okay?

Hi.

Are you Ernest Scheller?

- I'm... - I know who you are. Come in.

That's my wife, Ramona.

Suffered a stroke last year.

Can't really do much these days.

Have a seat.

Can I get you something to drink?

Um, juice, pop, pineapple juice?

Ramona loves pineapple juice.

Whatever you want.

No, no. No, I'm fine.

Okay.

Funny thing, I, uh...

I was in a bowling league ages ago.

One day, I can't find my shirt.

I looked high and low.

Ramona said I was always losing things,

even the damn shirt off my own back, but, uh...

I knew something wasn't right.

I didn't see that shirt again

till a couple of weeks ago when I saw one of your videos on the TV.

Well, I've seen some crazy things in my life, but this...

I really can't believe this is real.

His name was Randy. Randy McGovern.

That woman next to him was my wife's sister, Evelyn.

Dear, kind woman.

She died from, uh, complications in labor.

He had a child?

Daughter. June.

Junebug.

Randy, what happened to him?

Ramona and I never really wanted kids.

Just always thought we'd travel, see the world.

But life had other plans for us.

After Evelyn died, Randy sort of fell apart, I guess.

Took to drinking.

Then one day, he showed up at our house with little June,

said he had an appointment, needed us to watch her,

but he never came back.

Just left that poor little girl with us. She was four.

Nobody ever heard from or saw that man again.

Maybe something happened, like an accident or...

Police found his car for sale at a used lot,

uh, his watch at a pawn shop.

He took my shirt,

my driver's license.

Might have used that to change his identity.

What do you think happened?

My guess, uh, drank himself to death.

Suicide, maybe. Who knows?

It's... it's hard to feel much sympathy for somebody like that,

abandoning their own motherless child.

I can't think of a greater sin than that.

No.

No. No, no. No way. He wouldn't do something like that.

You said it yourself. He can't remember, right?

Maybe the reason he can't remember, because the truth, what he did,

is too unbearable.

Randy? That's you, isn't it?

Oh my God.

Get away from me! Get away from me!

Ernest! Get out of here!

Get off me!

- Get off me!

Go to thermal!

Light him up!

Ernest! Stop!

Stop!

- Stop, you're hurting him!

Ernest!

Get your hands up! Hands up now!

Get 'em up!

Ernest, no!

- On your feet, now! - No.

They have him.

Where are you taking him?

Ernest!

Kevin.

Are you okay?

- Yeah. I'm fine. - Did they hurt you?

- No. - Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Let's get you home.

I guess this worked out for you, huh?

I think, considering the situation, it's a pretty fair exchange, don't you?

Now you and your family can go live a normal life.

- Hey.

Sorry about your car.

It's just a car.

You good though?

Yeah.

I've been waiting for this moment

for so long.

No, no, no.

Stand down. I'm good.

Come on, just right this way. Ah, there she is.

Ah, the woman of the hour.

Gentlemen... Oh, and lady,

please meet Dr. Leslie Monroe.

Oh, actually, I correct myself.

Agent Monroe.

She assisted us in capturing the asset you see before you.

- Very good job, yes.

Bravo.

So, now... No, please, please, just take a look.

Of course you did more than just assist. That was just...

What's the endgame?

- I'm sorry, endgame? - Well...

What are you gonna do with him?

Well, he's dead, so, uh...

whatever the hell we want.

Hi, um, is Kevin around?

I haven't seen him at school.

Uh, yeah, he's just taking a little break from stuff, honey.

Maybe come back another time?

Yeah, okay.

It's okay, Mom.

Hey.

You haven't responded to any of my texts.

Yeah, I...

I haven't really felt like talking to anyone, so...

It's okay. I get it.

How is everything?

Well, I'm grounded until I'm 80, but other than that, super peachy.

Um, I just... I wanted to check up on you.

Cool.

Thanks.

No, really though. Are you doing okay?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

See you around.

Hey.

It's so quiet up here now.

Feels strange.

It was raining like this the day you were born.

I remember because I was driving your mom to the hospital,

and traffic was so bad.

I thought she was gonna give birth right there in the car.

I was petrified.

I made a promise to myself that if we made it to the hospital...

I was gonna be the best dad in the world.

It's funny.

When your kids are little,

it's easy to be a parent.

They don't see who you actually are.

They just see the good stuff.

What you want them to see.

But eventually, as they grow up...

parts of yourself that you don't like become harder and harder to hide.

I guess

I never really figured out who I am.

I've just always chased stuff.

New places, new jobs...

hoping something would click,

and I would finally be the man I wanted to be for you and Fulton...

and your mom.

But then Ernest came, and I was like,

"This is it."

I could finally...

have a purpose.

I could finally be worthy.

I lost myself all over again.

I let you down, kid.

I broke my promise.

I know you're upset about Ernest.

But you tried to do the right thing, and that's all that matters.

You're a better man at 16

than I am at 45.

I admire you, Kevin.

You turned out great, in spite of me.

Can you face me, please? Turn towards me.

Turn around.

Turn around.

I said turn around.

Comply.

Comply.

I said comply!

Comply!

Comply!

Yeah. Works on the living too.

Thank you.

Get out of here.

- ...figured it out. - Where is our Uber?

It's a Lyft, stupid.

- You're stupid, Tara. - Oh my God!

- We're gonna get mugged and die out here. - No, no.

- It's gonna be fine. - We should go to Taco Bell!

- Yes!

- Wait, is that it? Oh my God! - Oh my God! Thank you!

Hi, hi, hi.

- Is this for Gabby? - Uh-huh.

Holy shit, man!

Ernest, dude!

Uh, excuse me. This is my Uber.

Uh, it's a Lyft, bitch.

Bye!

Wait!

Hell yeah!

- So, which way you headed, Ernest?

You got it.

Ernest?

I missed this house.

Randy, a ghost.

A goddamn ghost.

Fifty years... I've kept this secret.

But the chickens finally came home to roost.

I don't know anything. I swear.

You're lying. You came after me.

- I was just trying to help him. - You're lying!

- Frank. Did you hear that? - Okay. All right. Yup, yup, yup.

Stay here.

- Be careful. - All right.

- What are you doing? - Thought I heard something!

Shit.

Me too.

Stay here.

Yeah, right.

Come on.

Drop it.

Okay. Okay, take it easy.

Please don't hurt my son.

It was Ramona's idea.

She couldn't have kids of her own, and when her sister died,

she said it was a sign from God

that Randy couldn't take care of June without her mother.

She made me do it. I didn't want to. She made me.

We can talk about this. Just put the gun down.

- Don't! - Okay, okay.

Frank, what's happening?

Get him out of here!

- Dad! - Let's go!

- Dad! - Come on!

Get away from them!

Go to Mom!

- Come on! - Stop it!

- Kevin, no! - Get in!

Kevin, no! Kevin!

Kevin! No! Please!

Stay inside! Call the cops!

Little Junebug.

She made Ramona so happy.

That's all she really wanted was her own little girl.

She doesn't talk to us anymore.

Maybe deep down she knows...

What?

I killed you!

I knew you'd come back.

Kevin!

- Dad, no!

Kevin.

Dad.

Okay. I got you. You okay?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Ernest.

Frank! Kevin! Oh, thank God!

Thank God.

And that was it?

This ghost that was haunting your house for, what, 50 years, just suddenly...

he's gone?

It was dark.

It was raining. It was hard to see, but...

I... I looked around, and he wasn't there.

Why... why would he just vanish like that?

I don't know.

Maybe he didn't need to be here anymore.

Found the guy who killed him

and got closure.

What really happened, Kevin?

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, nice.

Okay, let me try. Let's see.

I suck. Okay.

Bye, Ernest.

Kevin.

Tell me what happened.

Hey, sorry I can't be there.

Oh yeah. I'm sure you're just devastated.

- Why aren't you studying, boy?

Dad, come on. It's a Saturday. Please.

Yeah, and what the hell is a Saturday?

- Go study. - Uh-huh.

But I feel bad for whoever has to deal with this shitty attic.

You know, I don't really think I'm down with you not being my neighbor anymore.

Well, I'm only like five miles away.

- Plus, I get my car soon.

Okay. Smell you, bitch.

I know. Ka-ching! Haunted houses are a thing now.

Figured I'd find you two up here.

- Dad.

Hey, the truck is loaded. It's time to say goodbye.

Uh, last chance for y'all to do whatever y'all were doing

or gonna do before you did.

- Stop it. - Last chance.

Please save me.

- Thank you. - I got this.

Come on. See you downstairs.

- Thank you. - Bye.

- Yes, great. - However you say bye.

- My... my parents. - Mm-hmm.

What are you thinking about?

Do you think he can still see us?

Wherever he is?

I don't know.

Maybe.