Original subtitles

MR. VAMPIRE

Producer: Leonard Ho Koon-cheung

Production Manager: Sammo Hung

Writers: Chen Chi-wai, Barry Wong Ping-yiu

Assistant Producer: Cheung Chi-Hang

Assistant Production Manager: Chan Pei-wan

Director: Ricky Lau Koon-wai.

Calling all ghosts and vampires! Dinner time!

You're the guests, you first.

Rest in peace.

Keep the light bright or they walk at night.

That was close! I wouldn't know what to do if you escaped.

Here's one for you.

And for you.

And you.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

They're all here.

Game over. Take it easy, it's only me!

- You bastard! - You were really scared.

You can come out now, it's only me!

Master, help!

Master, help!

- What's going on? - Master, inside!

Master, it's me!

You knocked him out cold. Completely lifeless.

That's all right. I've got this one.

Allow me.

- You can't take any chances. - His teeth!

Look at the state of my vampires. What will I do now?

Give me a hand!

You idiots! I don't mind a bit of fun, but leave my men alone.

- It wasn't me. - That's enough! I'm leaving.

- Must you go so soon? - Well, I must...

Anyway, see you later.

The sky is blue

The night is dark

The road home is long

So step out of the mortuary

Let's go!

Why are you still here? Your aunt will be looking for you. Go home!

Come on, let me give you a hand.

- Morning! - Morning, Uncle Kau!

- You look smart today. What's up? - Master's taking me out for tea.

You'd better move it then!

Master, do I have to come and meet Mr Yam with you?

What's the matter? You haven't offended him, have you?

No, it's not him, it's just that I've never been to a Western tea before.

I'm afraid I might do something to embarrass you.

How thoughtful of you.

You don't want to embarrass me? You don't have to come, then.

I've never been to a Western tea either. I might do something wrong.

I should bring Man Choi, so I can get him to do everything first.

- Man Choi. - I'm coming!

Master, did you call me?

Since you've behaved yourself today, I will take you after all.

- Great! - Let's go.

- Do you have a reservation, sir? - A what?

- We're joining Mr Yam for tea. - Mr Yam? In that case, follow me.

This way.

- Uncle Kau. - Mr Yam. Please sit down.

- This is Mr Yam. - Mr Yam.

Take a seat.

I hear your daughter's back from the city. Where is she?

She's been really busy with her beauty classes since she came back.

She'll need them, if she looks anything like her father!

Here she is now.

- Dad. - This is Uncle Kau.

- Uncle Kau. - Sit down, please.

She's all grown-up now.

Yes, isn't she just!

What would you like to drink?

- Coffee for me. - OK.

Coffee?

- Can I have a coffee? - Me, too.

Master, what are you having?

- Coffee for me, too. - OK.

Master, I don't want coffee, can change my order?

No, you're having coffee.

So Uncle Kau, have you chosen a date for my father's exhumation yet?

Well, I think you should reconsider digging up his body.

I've considered the matter very carefully.

But my fortune-teller said a reburial would bring me lots of good luck.

- You can't trust fortune-tellers. - And we can trust you?

She's got a point.

Don't interrupt us, kid.

Well, if you insist, we'll do it in three days.

- What should we bring? - Money, of course.

How much do you want exactly?

It doesn't matter, name your price.

Mr Yam, Mr Wong has arrived.

I'm going to say hello to a friend. Help yourselves.

Bring the custard tarts.

Master, which one should I drink first?

I can't help you.

Sorry about that, Uncle Kau.

Drink your coffee while it's still hot.

Please, go ahead.

Please!

Uncle Kau, you take it black, then?

Yes, I like black coffee.

- Dad, would you like some milk? - OK.

Dad, I need to buy some make-up.

All right, I'll meet you later.

Dig in.

- I'll help myself. - Watch your manners.

Mr Yam, how many sugars would you like?

- I'm fine. - You take it without sugar, then?

I need some sugar.

Master, it's too sweet.

Just eat it.

I'm going to pick up some groceries.

A young lady from across the way is coming in for some make-up.

Don't be disrespectful just because she's a hooker.

Of course not, Auntie. Go on now. Don't worry, I know what to do.

Where can I buy some make-up?

She's so pretty, you'd never know she was a hooker.

What a pity!

Help yourself, miss.

- My aunt said you were coming. - Who is your aunt?

The lady you just spoke to.

I was just asking her where I could buy make-up. I don't know her.

She must be lying.

Never mind. Why don't you try this?

- Well. When did you learn to ah... - Learn to what?

You know what I mean.

My mum taught me when I was twelve.

What? Your mother taught you?!

Yes, but she died soon after. So then I went to the city to study.

Isn't this colour beautiful?

- How old are you? - I'm eighteen.

She's been doing it for six years.

- Have you ever thought of giving up? - No.

I'll still be doing this when I'm eighty.

- Is someone forcing you to do it? - No one's forcing me, I love it!

Every woman loves it.

- Have you ever thought of retiring? - No.

I want to teach all the girls here what I learnt in the city.

I'm sure they'll like it.

No they won't, you're leading them astray.

You're so conservative!

It's not about being conservative, it's about morality.

I don't want your dirty money.

Go back to Yee Hung Garden where you belong.

What's going on here?

Here you are!

What's the matter?

- Have you been to Yee Hung Garden? - No!

So how do you know her?

She's the daughter of Mr Yam, the millionaire.

What is Yee Hung Garden?

- A teahouse. - A whorehouse.

What?

- A brothel. - A restaurant.

What did you say?

It's a brothel.

You think I'm a...

Miss...

...I was really surprised.

Dad! I'm going home now.

Ting.

- Mr Yam. - Ting, Ting.

What is going on?

Idiot!

Pray with all sincerity.

Uncle Kau.

My fortune-teller said this was a very rare piece of land.

- And a good grave. - I agree.

For optimum feng shui, the dragonfly-style grave must be used.

Of the 3.4 yards length, only 4 feet can be used.

And of the 1.3 yards width, only 3 feet can be used.

It's a tricky one.

- He's buried vertically. - Well done.

Vertically?

Master, what do you mean vertically? Is it a kind of foreign burial?

Shut up!

Uncle Kau, is the ceremony over?

- Can we start digging now? - Yes.

Let's get going.

Master, what do you mean by vertical?

It means he is buried standing up.

- Am I right? - Absolutely!

My good fortune depends on the arrangement of my dad's grave.

How's your business?

Our family business has been getting worse and worse.

I can't figure out why.

Was your father on good terms with the fortune-teller?

Pardon?

Did your father and he have a falling out?

This land used to belong to the fortune-teller,

but my father bought it for a lot of money.

Are you sure he didn't use more persuasive means?

He was forced then.

Otherwise he wouldn't have told you to do this.

The fortune-teller deliberately gave you the wrong instructions.

- What do you mean? - There shouldn't be concrete here.

All this dragonfly stuff, he mixed it all up.

It doesn't work like this.

But it's not that bad. At least he suggested a reburial.

He's only ruined half your life, your descendants will be fine.

The coffin's in sight!

Pull out the nails.

We're going to open the coffin.

All those aged 36, 22, 35 and 48,

and those with the star sign Capricorn, turn around.

Are you ready? Open the coffin.

- Dad. - Grand dad.

I'm very sorry to have disturbed you.

Uncle Kau, can we still use this grave?

No, we can't. It has been ruined. It's not a dragonfly grave any more.

It's useless now.

Now what?

I suggest a cremation right here.

What? My father was afraid of fire. I couldn't do that to him.

But there might be problems.

You can do whatever you like apart from cremation.

There must be another way.

OK, we'll take him to our mortuary for now.

I'll find him a plot tomorrow so he can rest in peace.

Put the lid back on and let's go.

Mr Yam, you can go now.

You two stay and put some burning incense sticks on the graves.

I want incense burning on every grave.

Such a young girl. What a waste!

It's not a waste.

Thank you!

This incense looks weird.

Come on. Let's go tell Master.

There must be something wrong. This incense won't burn properly.

It's a bad omen.

Misfortune lies ahead. Someone in the family is going to die.

- In Mr Yam's family? - Yes, who else?

It's none of our business. Forget it.

It could be Mr Yam's daughter.

It could be anyone. Who cares?

His daughter!

It's none of our business, remember?

Forget that! If I save her, she might marry me.

- This should be a fair competition. - Fine.

- Master, please help them. - Come on, Master.

I will help them, that's why I brought the coffin back.

What's wrong with it?

The coffin's fine, it's the corpse I'm worried about.

There was something funny about it.

Yeah, it's still in perfect condition after twenty years.

He's decomposing!

Put on the cover, quick!

- Paper, brush, ink, knife and sword. - What?

Bring me some paper, a brush, some ink, a knife and a sword!

Master, that's my pet chicken.

That's fine, fine...

Hold this and stop your nonsense.

- What's that? - It's an ink pot.

- Master, what's the ink for? - Paint some lines on the coffin.

I want lines the whole length of the coffin.

There are good men and bad men. There are corpses and vampires.

And then there are men and women.

Don't interrupt when I'm talking.

That corpse is turning into a vampire.

How can a corpse turn into a vampire?

- How can a dead man turn bad? - Because he gives up easily.

A corpse becomes a vampire for a breath of fresh air.

Really? Why do they need air?

If a man is harbouring resentment or hatred before his death,

air will become trapped in his throat.

He hadn't breathed his last.

A man mustn't give up.

And he must have breathed his last, or he'll become a vampire.

Can't you be quiet for one minute?

See me when you're finished. I want it done properly.

- OK, done. - Make sure we haven't missed any.

- Look. - Where?

Here.

Idiot!

- Here. - Come back here.

Stop, stop.

Master.

You liar!

Here, hold this!

Why did you run off and leave me?

It was all your fault, you shouldn't have made fun of me.

But it's very late to go home now. What if you run into a ghost?

Well, I'd rather run into them than go back and see Master.

Her eyes

Shine like stars

A frightful sight

Her eyes

Shine like stars

A more frightful sight

Eerie winds blow through the moonlit alley

It's a lady ghost seeking her lover

Who would want a ghostly bride

To worship the moon with her?

Her eyes

Shine like stars

A frightful sight

Her eyes

Shine like stars

A more frightful sight

Even the moon refuses to watch

What a heavy sleeper - just perfect for a mortician's assistant!

- Drink up. - Anything new down at the station?

Not much. My men can take care of it.

Ting has become a lady now.

Yes, she's all grown-up.

- She'll be getting married soon. - Yes, I know.

I would like to...

...have more tea? Here you are.

Sir, Uncle Kau's here.

Mr Yam.

- How are the reburial plans? - I'm taking care of it.

- Let's talk in my study. - OK.

You two behave yourselves.

- Uncle, I want to... - I'll talk to you later.

Miss Yam, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

Hold it!

What do you two think you're doing? Watch your hands!

You're trying to make a pass at my cousin.

Are you OK, Ting?

Wai.

My cousin's furious! She's just too nice to say so.

Right?

You're right, it's all our fault. We shouldn't have come.

We'll go out to the garden.

Grey hair, a sign of senility.

- Is it yours? - No! It can't be!

I've never had grey hairs.

What I was just talking to Uncle about concerns you.

Remember when we used to play together?

Even though we lived in separate houses we grew up together.

We've known each other for ages, but we've never even held hands.

I'm not like those rude guys.

- You've got to swallow this. - Why me?

It has to be you. You pulled the hair out.

Swallow it and you will be the same person as him.

You can do whatever you like to him.

Ready? Come on.

Slap yourself.

What if he hits himself?

No one would be that stupid. Come on, harder!

Don't stop.

What are you doing?

- Why did you stop? - It hurts.

Let me help you.

Keep your hands off me.

Wai!

I'm so rude! Hand, please slap me.

Some people do hit themselves on purpose.

I don't want to play any more.

Why not? We're making him look like a fool, not the other way round.

Let's try something else.

- Take off your clothes. - I can't.

Relax, you may be stripping out here, but he'll be stripping in there.

Wai.

Dad!

You idiot! Stop fooling around.

Go home!

Uncle!

I'll have some more tea.

There's been a murder at Yam's place!

Keep back! Everybody back!

Mr Yam has been brutally murdered.

Ting, Uncle may be dead, but I'm still here.

Stop messing around here.

Yes, sir.

Go and see if that corpse is still at our place.

OK.

Wai, how did Mr Yam die?

He was shot dead.

Why are there so many wounds around his neck?

The murderer's a trained killer who is very good at throwing darts.

His used his special darts to kill Mr Yam.

Where are the darts, then?

Don't interrupt my investigation. If you know so much, you tell us then.

He was stabbed by long fingernails.

Really? So the murderer must have very long fingernails.

Listen up. Does anyone have fingernails longer than this?

- You can't do this. - I never make false accusations.

You've got the longest fingernails, so you're the prime suspect.

- Men! Take him away! - Yes, sir.

Ting, we've arrested a suspect. I'll avenge Uncle's death for you.

Wai, you must be sure. You shouldn't accuse innocent people.

I know, I know.

Come on, carry Mr Yam's body back to the station.

I'll make you confess your crime. Take him away.

Master, the coffin's... ...smashed.

The corpse is... .“gone.

- Master? - He's been arrested.

Behave.

Captain, can I have a word with them?

All right, but be quick, I'm doing you a favour.

- Have you searched everywhere? - Yes, even in the other coffins.

- This is going to be a bad night. - Yes, Master, you're going to jail.

No. I mean there'll be two vampires around tonight.

Two of them?!

Mr Yam was killed by a vampire, so now he'll turn into a vampire.

A father and son partnership.

- Have you finished? - Just a minute.

Sheng, bring my tools to the station tonight.

Man Choi, you protect Ting.

What can I do?

Hold your breath and they won't find you.

Hold my breath.

Master, what do you want me to bring?

Chicken blood, some ink and sacred paper.

Time's up. Save your words for his funeral. Go on!

Sticky rice. Remember to bring sticky rice, too.

Move, come on.

I'll avenge my uncle's death.

- Why did you kill my uncle? - Why would I kill him?

You're a tough one. Do you know what this is?

- Don't do it. - Why not?

I've branded bad guys like you with this before.

It makes the skin shrivel up.

I'm going to test it out on you now.

- You'll soon be screaming. Men! - Yes, sir!

"Villan"

Hold this.

See what happened.

If you don't want your skin to be branded with the word villan,

confess your crime before dawn. Understand?

If you don't let me go, you're responsible for the consequences.

Still so stubborn? Take him to his cell!

Uncle, I'll avenge your death so you can rest in peace.

I want your confession before dawn.

- What are you standing there for? - No reason.

I'm waiting for you to pull your head back.

- Why? - I don't want you to lose face.

Nonsense. Help me with this.

Stop, stop.

- Do you have any better ideas? - Yes.

But you must promise not to yell at me, Master.

I won't. Quick!

What the hell are you doing?

You're not stuck now, are you?

You stupid, little...

Master, remember what you said. You promised not to yell at me.

- Did you bring my stuff? - Yes.

Chicken blood, ink pot, and sacred paper.

- Where's the sticky rice? - It's here.

- It's still warm, eat it now. - You cooked it? I need it uncooked.

I was going to use it to weaken his strength.

Now what? I can feed him.

Master, he's moving.

Stick this sacred paper to his forehead.

Master, he's gone.

Go after him.

Go on!

Hurry up!

What's happening? Go and check it out!

What are you staring at? It's only my uncle.

- Come on, fix that bed. - Yes, sir.

Uncle, it's just as well I came in or they'd be torturing you by now.

- The bed's OK now. - Carry him to the bed.

You can go now and lock the door.

- Don't open it no matter what. - Yes, sir.

- This is my moment of glory. - Don't remove the sacred paper!

You can't hide from me. Come on out.

- Look out behind you! - Behind me is my uncle.

- My uncle. - He's a vampire now.

Come on.

Duck!

- Open the door! - We won't open it for anything!

I'm your captain, open the door.

Quickly, quickly. Hurry up.

Help!

Uncle Kau, help me!

- Throw me the keys. - Right.

Catch!

Help me!

Hold your breath.

Don't follow me!

Master, let me help you.

- No way, not that again. - I've got another idea.

Uncle Kau, help!

Well done, open the door.

Help, Uncle Kau!

Pull the line.

It's almost dawn. He's not coming.

Why don't you go and get some sleep?

If I'm not here, who will protect you?

Why are you carrying that ugly bamboo stick?

Don't underestimate it.

It's my greatest invention, though it's not of much use now.

What a beauty!

Don't worry! I'll protect you.

Hold your breath.

I can't stand it anymore.

Go and find a rope to tie him up.

Not only can I talk again, I can sing.

Three blind mice, three blind mice...

Let's go.

Master!

Man Choi, give us a hand.

Man Choi.

Jump down.

Charge! Charge! Charge!

Why aren't you following me?

Why are you so gutless? Useless cowards!

He left too quickly. Otherwise I'd have shot him dead.

- Are any of you injured? - No.

Master, Man Choi was bitten. Will he turn into a vampire?

It's possible.

Step aside, let me shoot him now.

I said maybe. I think I can save him.

- How? - What do we do?

We need some sticky rice to soak up the poison.

- Sticky rice. - Sticky rice.

Ting, it's not safe here, you'd better come and stay with us.

Great!

You smell so good.

Don't worry, I'll be better soon.

- I'm not worried. - And what if I turn into a vampire?

Now look who's worrying.

- Do your wounds hurt? - No.

That's not good. The muscle must be dead.

- Master, you're trying to scare me. - Why would I do that?