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- Open up, bitch.

- What's up? - Hey.

- Oh, it's cute. - Do you like?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, l thought it'd go good with my eyes anyway.

That is pretty. l like that.

That sparkles. l'm breaking up with Pete.

You made out with Tyler Winters?

Oh.

Oh, my butt is so fat right now.

Mine shakes more than yours.

Have you heard of this new thing where you can get your asshole bleached?

- Ew. - No, l'm serious.

lt's like this new thing in all the salons.

lt first started with strippers and porn stars,

but now, like, everybody is doing it.

You know, it just kind of lightens the color.

See how mine's a little darker?

Get your butthole out of my face.

- ls mine dark too? - Yeah, a little bit.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know, we should find a place here in the mall who does it.

Uh-huh. Your butt looks okay to me.

Yeah, you coming onto me now?

Oh, Holly, faster.

l love your bleached butthole. lt's so baby pink.

What are you doing?

l'm putting my clothes back on.

Oh, did l forget to take something off?

Hmm, l must be losing my mind.

Come on, Sherri, don't. We're just gonna get caught.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on, it'll be okay.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

l know.

l know.

Hey, girls, hold on. Hey.

- Oh my God, Mr. Krebbs. - Yes.

- Holly, it's Mr. Krebbs. - Hi, Mr. Krebbs.

How are you? A little after-school shopping are we?

We're gonna go home right away and do our homework.

- Yeah. - l swear.

Yeah, l bet.

- l like your purse. - Yes.

- But it doesn't go with your shoes. - Thank you.

l accessorize. l'm always holding the bag.

Here's my wife. Hey.

- Hi. - Honey, these are two of my students.

Sherri and-- oh, this is my wife.

- Hello. - Have you met my wife before?

Once at a school play, but you weren't so...

Oh, no kidding. Only five more weeks.

- Yeah, wow. Epidural, huh? - Yeah.

Well, speaking of going, we have to go 'cause we're gonna be late.

My dad's picking us up so we'll see you in class.

- l hope so. - Bye, Mr. Krebbs.

- Bye. - See you. Bye.

Honey, let's get those towels and get out of here.

My back is killing me.

Hey, wait! Hey! Hey!

Missed 'em.

Poor Mr. Krebbs.

He has to be stuck with that fat ugly pig.

Dude, she's pregnant.

What is he doing with her anyway?

He was so wanting to fuck us just then.

Ew, he's like 50.

- No, try like his 30s, dumbass. - Whatever.

No, he was checking us out.

l think he's kind of hot.

- Oh shit.

- Did anybody see? - No, just go.

Oh my God.

Yes.

Woman on P.A.: Tony, could you come to towels, please?

Tony, these folks are giving towels as a gift

and they want to know what our exchange policy is.

- lf we still give cash back or... - Oh, l'm afraid not.

- No, sorry. - That's what l was afraid of.

We don't give cash back anymore.

But they can get credit to use anywhere in the store.

And you can use it not just at this store

but any of our stores across the entire country.

- Okay. - So it's great.

- Can l get my credit card back? - Yeah, of course.

And here's your receipt.

Hey, we're having a great sale on maternity upstairs.

- You guys should check it out. - We're gonna pop.

- You're ready to go? - Almost ready, yeah.

- l'll call cleanup.

That was good. That's lovely.

- Have a good one, guys. - Okay, take care, you guys.

That's why we have the towels.

You are so bad.

lt's not my fault. You're wearing those pants again.

That guy's so funny.

- Oh, so you like Mr. Slick Manager guy? - Yeah, right.

l can tell you're not wearing a thong, are you?

No.

You're not wearing any underwear?

l am barebacking it all the way.

You are like a little vixen.

A little minx.

Put you in our company catalogue and eat you up.

Come into the storeroom with me right now.

- You are crazy. - Come on, who's gonna know?

Forget it.

You liked it last time, didn't you?

No, l hated every second of it. All four of them.

- Oh, right. - Now go away.

You're gonna get us fired. Go.

Who cares? This place sucks.

- We'll get better jobs. - Yeah?

l'll become a professional magician. You could be my assistant.

- There's big money in magic. - Yeah, sure.

Great.

What, you don't trust me with a saw and the whole cutting-you-in-half routine?

Stop it.

lf you're such a good magician why don't you just disappear?

Okay?

The store is empty.

Just take your break now.

- l promise l'll be quick. - Oh, l know you'll be quick.

Good one.

What do you say?

Let me just tell Marian l'm gonna take my break now.

Thattagirl.

- Excuse me. - Yeah?

Can you help me?

- My wife is redoing the bathroom... - Uh-huh.

...and she wants it to be pretty much like this.

Okay.

You know, she wants to cover the toilet.

Okay. We're gonna have to take inventory a little bit later.

- Yeah, l can see that. - Yeah, okay.

So you take care. Okay.

l notice you have different kinds of blues.

Yes, we do. We have the aqua.

Man: Baby blue. She loves baby blue.

- Great coverage. - l like that.

- Hey-o. Hey, Grace. - Hey, Tony.

Good afternoon, ma'am. You're in good hands here.

- Grace is the best. - l can see that.

That is the perfect color on you.

lsn't that the perfect color on her, Grace?

Oh, absolutely.

The earth tones definitely enhance your skin tone.

- Really? - lt really is great.

- She did a great job. - Oh, thank you.

Grace, when you get done helping this lovely lady,

would you meet me in the storeroom?

l want to go over those inventory problems.

- Okay. - Great. Have a good one.

- You look great. - Thank you.

- What?

How did the--

l'm so sorry.

l'm so sorry. Are you okay?

No, l'm not okay, you stupid bitch.

l'm so sorry.

Listen, it was an accident.

Accident? l'll show you accident.

Here's your accident.

Fucking step down, you fuck.

Can l help you?

Cut! Cut! Fuck!

- Dan, deal with this. - Cut cut.

Sir, excuse me. We're in the middle of a movie.

Hey, Marty. How are you doing?

Hey, Stephanie.

l'd be doing a lot better if

the ATM machine hadn't eaten my card.

Okay.

So, um...

God.

Oh my God. l swear to God l'm gonna throw up.

l'm gonna throw up. Oh my God! Oh my God!

What crawled up his ass and died?

Marty: Phil Howard, please. Oh, hi, Phil.

We've got some good news for you.

We reviewed your claim and we decided

it's best just to consider your car totaled.

So you will be getting a check

in the amount of $4,552.

Of course you'll be responsible for the $500 deductable.

l'm sorry, Phil. Can l just call you right back, please?

Thank you very much.

You are an A-hole, Stuart.

Marty, can't you see l'm working?

l am tired of your practical jokes.

What the hell did you put into my Coke?

ln your Coke? You're crazy.

Just stop it. Just leave me alone.

l don't know what the hell you're talking about, okay?

ls there a problem, gentlemen?

Mr. Stonecipher,

l am tired of Stuart and his practical jokes.

l try to be professional and l try to do a good job,

but he won't stop torturing me.

Mr. Stonecipher, that's not true. l mean, he's insane.

lnsane?

He put pickle juice or something in my Coke while l was down at the ATM.

Then when l came back l drank it, l thought l'd been poisoned.

- Pickle juice? - Yeah, okay--

Smell.

That's Coke, Marty.

What?

All right, how's that? Can you see everything?

Move it to the left a little bit so you can see the whole couch.

- My left or your left? - Your left.

No no, my left. Sorry.

Yeah, it's completely hidden.

l mean, l know it's there and l can hardly see it.

All right, good. l'm gonna do the one in the nursery after dinner in the bear.

Good.

Not in the bear. That's gonna be the first place she looks.

- She'll never look there. - Nannies are hip to this stuff.

She's gonna be looking for the nanny-cams.

Having a complete stranger come into the house and take care of the baby

makes me very nervous.

The last time was a sign not to do it again.

Yeah, well, we have cameras now.

Oh good, so when we come home and we find the baby's got a broken neck

we can just rewind the tape and say,

''Oh look, there's the nanny shaking the baby.''

- You decapitated it. - No l didn't.

lt's okay, l can fix it.

There you go. All right, what do you say?

l see this shit every day.

Ben, you see? l told you.

Megan, please don't say words like that.

- You know what l would love? - What's that?

l would really love for you to make the salad.

Okay.

No no, huh-uh, Megan. Don't touch the soft spot.

Remember, we talked about that, okay?

But l was only touching it softly.

l know, but you shouldn't touch it at all.

You know what? We don't need this on while it's just us.

Whip it good.

l'm done.

Willie: Oh, fuck yeah, man.

l'm gonna fucking film it.

Aw, yeah.

How about that, man? Would you sink it in that?

Carl: Who me?

No, l hate perfect beautiful teenage bodies.

ldiot.

Oh man, she's showing us the toothless smile.

God, look at that bitch in the blue top, man.

They've been in here before, man.

You think they're under 18, man?

Fuck yeah. Way under.

Oh, l never can fucking tell.

They came in and l sold them booze and smokes once.

Oh well, fuck it.

Tell you what: Once l get my fucking record deal, man,

it ain't gonna matter how old, how fucking ugly l am.

All these hot teenyboppers are gonna be fucking lining up

to gobble the grits from my fucking groin straw, man.

Listen to this fucking new tune. lt's called ''Electrocuted.''

l wrote it last night, man.

''Electrocuted''?

Yeah, it's about a guy's electrocution in the death house.

Ready? Dig it, man.

## l'm getting electrocuted ##

## l am getting my head burned up ##

## l am getting electrocuted ##

## 'Cause l killed all of my neighbors ##

## Fry me up, fry me up ##

## Fry me up, fry me up ##

## Yeah, fry me up ##

## Fry me up, fry me up ##

## Fry me up ##

## People are watching, the families are crying ##

## 'Cause today my head gets electrocuted ##

## People are crying, the people are dying ##

## 'Cause today my head gets electrocuted ##

## l am getting electrocuted ##

## l am getting my head burned up ##

## l am getting electrocuted ##

## 'Cause l killed all of my family ##

## l am getting elect-- ##

Ahem.

All right, thanks.

Ahem.

Oh shit.

That was a close one.

No, you know what? Tony, we shouldn't do this anymore.

lndeed. Now bend over.

No no, Tony. l'm serious. l feel bad.

Look, don't get all freaked out just 'cause Marian came in.

She didn't see us. No one suspects a thing.

No, it's not that. l'm a mother with children.

All right, all the more reason you deserve to have a little fun, you know?

You've earned it.

lf my husband found out, he'd kill us both.

l got an idea.

- What? - Don't tell him.

Okay, wait. Wait.

All right, but this is the last time.

- Okay, whatever you say. - You are so full of shit.

Quit it, Tyler. You're gonna mess up my makeup.

Ew, get a room.

l've got to go, yo. l'll text you later.

Ahem.

So it looks like you and Tyler aren't a secret any longer.

Whatever. l'm over Tyler.

Already? Yeah, it didn't look like it.

He's an idiot.

And he's hung like a mouse.

l'm dumping him after the Ludacris concert.

- He's got tickets. - Mmm.

l like someone else now.

Oh, who?

- lt's a secret. - From me?

He doesn't know yet.

lt's a little project l'm working on.

A project? l like projects.

- Shh.

lt's okay. lt's okay.

Louise, are you free for lunch?

Oh, well, l was maybe gonna have lunch with Ben,

but it wasn't definite.

Let me give him a call can l'll give you a call on email.

- Okay, good. - Okay? All right.

Yeah, well, let's--

Look, let Jerry defend him. He's terrific.

- Jerry? - Yeah, and besides,

- he loves a good challenge.

Hang on. lt's my wife.

All right, guys, we'll pick this up later.

- Hey, baby, what's shaking? - Kiss my ass.

He doesn't see enough money in it. Fucking Jew.

Are we on for lunch?

Oh, sweetie, l really wanted to, but l can't get out of my lunch meeting.

l thought for sure it was gonna cancel. l'm sorry.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no problem. l'll just see you tonight.

All right, l'll see you at home. Bye bye.

l love you. Bye.

Ben: l'll tell you, what l'd really like to do

is just walk away from the whole damn practice.

- Man: Burned out, huh? - No, you know what it actually is?

l'm sick of defending bad people day in and day out.

l mean, some of them are really innocent,

but the vast majority are scumbags.

Killer walks free

because l discovered that a cop improperly labeled an evidence bag

containing the bloody knife with the guy's fingerprints all over it.

lt's got to be thrown out.

- You know? - lt's tough.

Yeah. l envy you.

Well, l mean, l'm in a whole different category.

The organizations l represent fight for equal rights.

You know, free speech. Good causes, you know?

- Mm-hmm. - You know, when l win a case

good decent people get a better life.

A fighting chance, you know?

Hmm.

You should do some pro bono for us.

Might remind you why you became a lawyer in the first place.

( chuckles ) Look, l do my share of pro bono.

l can't afford to do any more.

Yeah.

lt's funny. Having kids is what completely shifted my values.

You know?

And l've got to keep the money coming in now more than ever.

Lately, l hate what l'm doing,

but l'm kind of stuck for a while.

Well, you know, l hear that professionals

change their careers two to three times in a lifetime.

So do something else.

Yeah, right.

Want to get out of here?

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Stephanie.

Hey, Marty.

( groans ) Let's see here.

Mind if l join you?

- Help yourself.

Good old PB&J.

When l was little l used to put potato chips right into the sandwich.

- You ever do that? - Nope.

You know, more people are allergic to peanuts

than any other food.

l'm allergic to cats.

l had this girlfriend this one time, she had four cats.

- lt was murder.

You have any cats?

Nope.

Poor Marty.

What's with this crappy car?

You know, people are really crazy for, like, little cat knickknacks

and, like, little, you know, cat-related doodads.

lf you could figure out a way to tap into that market,

you'd be laughing all the way to the bank.

l had an idea once for, like, a little--

it was, like, a beverage, like, you know, orange soda or grape soda or something.

But it had a little car character on it

and it was called Catatonic.

You know, 'cause it--

You know, l guess a lot of people

probably have really good ideas

but the difference is

distribution

and getting them out there, you know?

l have a funny joke for you.

What did Catwoman's husband

leave in the litter box for her?

Katmandu.

Get it? Like doo-doo.

- Hey, do you like movies? - Nope.

Oh, okay, yeah. l didn't think so.

Um, actually that's why l was thinking instead

maybe sometime if you weren't-- if you were interested

if you wanted to maybe, like, get dinner or something,

you know, somewhere

just as, um, you know, as an idea.

- Hey. - Hey.

Okay.

Well.

Okay, l'm shoving off.

See you later, Marty.

My God, l can't believe you guys just missed that.

He just completely hit on me. He asked me on a date.

- Farty Marty.

Sherri: Oh, hey, Mr. Krebbs.

- Hey. - Mr. Bates.

Mr. Krebbs, thanks again

for recommending ''Marjorie Morningstar.''

- Oh yeah. - l'm loving it. lt's so romantic.

l knew you were looking for a good book and you want to be an actor

- so it seemed like a perfect fit. Hi. - Hi.

lt is. l'm almost done.

Good.

Well, see you.

See you later.

My God, did you see those nipples?

Look at those asses. l think l'm gonna blow right now.

- Oh my God. - Come on.

Don't tell me you haven't thought about bending these girls over a chair.

- Do you know how old they are? - My uncle once said it best:

lf there's grass on the field, play ball.

- That your uncle that died in prison? - Oh, that's very funny.

Seriously, l'd like to fuck the living shit out of that little bitch.

Oh my God.

You know, Barry, getting out of high school,

l've been around these teenagers for decades.

They know exactly what they're doing.

- She was blatantly flirting with you. - She was just being a kid.

She wasn't flirting with me.

They're highly sexualized. Their hormones are raging.

You don't think these kids are having plenty of sex?

- l don't know. - Please.

They're like fucking rabbits.

These little teenage geeks they're fucking,

they do not know how lucky they got it right now.

One day they'll be old and paunchy

and turning 50 and looking back on how lucky they had it

and didn't appreciate it. Kind of like you.

- Well, see you. - See you later.

My God, did you see those nipples?

Working on a little project, are we?

What do you mean?

Please, Sherri, l know you way too well.

You want to fuck Mr. Krebbs.

Perhaps.

Sherri, you're crazy.

What? He's kind of cute.

Yeah, and his wife's about to have a baby.

Exactly. He probably hasn't had sex in months.

He's probably horny as shit.

Don't say anything to anyone.

l won't.

Are you even reading ''Marjorie Morning Glory,''

or whatever the fuck it's called?

l read the back cover.

Oh God.

You are so pathetic.

## Opening a can or worms ##

## That are now out of date ##

## No matter what you do ##

## Don't you dare throw them away ##

## A harlot spikes the bowl ##

## With regurgitated brains ##

## We hide under a broken rainbow ##

## Waiting for the rain to fade... ##

## Hello, Megan ##

## Hello, monkey ##

## l love you, Megan ##

## l love you, monkey. ##

## Because d�j� vu ##

## lt sounds like something not true ##

## But l think ##

## That l have seen it with you ##

## And l am sure ##

## l've never been here before ##

## lt's there at my door ##

## That is running on the floor ##

## High ##

## Up at the shooting range ##

## Where the kids play ##

## And there's bad blood ##

## We were high ##

## And feeling no pain ##

## Where the trash drains ##

## ls where we will lie ##

## Looking out the window ##

## With a hot beer on the red-eye. ##

Hey.

- That was beautiful. - Oh thanks, man.

- Yeah, that's a good one, man. - Thanks.

$8.1 3.

- Just keep it. - All right.

- Thank you so much. - Sure, right on, man.

- Bye, - All right, thanks.

- See you later. - Bye.

That'll work.

Hey, man, l need to borrow some money.

You still owe me fucking money, man.

l know. Look, l've got a ticket that's gonna double

tomorrow if l don't pay it. Double.

How'd you get a ticket, man? You don't drive.

Jaywalking.

Give me 50 bucks.

$50? Give me a break, Carl, l can't, man.

Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Carl, l can't. How much do you think l make in this fucking dump?

All right? l'm already letting you eat that bullshit for free, man.

lf my boss found out he'd fucking fire me.

Just have your mom wire the fucking money instead of sending a check.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh-oh.

Can we talk?

l'm working.

No, you know what?

l don't think that'd be a good fucking idea.

Please? l miss you.

What the fuck are you doing here?

l just really miss you, okay? l'm sorry.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What is this bullshit?

No, l want to get back together.

What-- what about fucking Arnondo,

or whatever the fuck his name was?

l thought you guys were going to Arizona.

lt's Marco and l came back.

Can you imagine for one fucking second if l came up to you

and l said, ''Hey, by the way, we're breaking up

'cause l just met this really unbelievable girl.

l never knew what love was with you.

We can still be friends.

Oh, and you know, this girl is an unbelievable flamenco dancer.

We're gonna put together this fucking cabaret act

and go out to Arizona and dance at her uncle's restaurant.''

Am l forgetting any fucking shit?

Willie, stop it, okay? l'm sorry.

l made a mistake, okay?

l made a horrible horrible mistake.

l'm only human.

Can we just--

Look, this ain't the place for this shit, all right? l'm working, okay?

Can we talk somewhere else, please?

- Please? - Wait a fucking minute.

Watch the fucking store for me for a minute, okay?

Don't do it, man. That chick is bad news.

l just need 10 or 15 minutes.

l'm gonna go next door and have a cup of coffee.

Just watch the fucking place.

And what if a customer comes in?

lt's fucking dead at this hour, man.

l don't know how to work the register.

There's nothing to fucking work. lt's a computer with a laser.

All right?

Look, you see that?

- That's a barcode. - l know what a barcode is, dumbfuck.

Well, all you do is scan it with the laser,

the price pops up, all right?

lf they give you a five or a 10 or whatever they give you

you just hit the number. lt's written, $5.

You hit it. All you do is hit sale.

And it's-- 806 is the code, all right?

Sale 806, it open-- it should open.

Escape. lf it doesn't open, hit escape.

- All right?

lt'll open. lt should fucking open.

Just hit escape, okay, if it doesn't open.

They designed it so a fucking monkey could work it, man.

lt's nothing.

Don't be a sap, man.

Grow some fucking balls and tell that chick to fuck off.

Look, there's no way

l'm taking this fucking bitch back, man.

Okay? Just mind the store.

Let me out! Let me out!

Hey, what about her?

Someone will find her.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, don't come in here.

Please don't come in here.

Oh, fuck.

Hey.

And a carton of Parliaments.

Uh, okay. Will that be all, sir?

- Yeah. - Okay.

All right, then.

Let me just put this

in a little baggie.

The duct tape...

carton of Parliaments.

Okay, let's see.

- Just a sec.

l'm growing a beard here, dude.

l know. These things are confusing.

Carl: Ay-yi-yi.

- Let's go. - l got it.

Believe me, l'd like to.

This guy must be new or something.

Sorry, these things are tricky. Very confusing.

Do you need a credit card?

No no no, that would be worse.

What's the problem?

You know what? Just take it.

Just take it.

What?

This register is for shit. Just take it. Take it, take it.

No, man, no. Look, here.

Here's 40 bucks. There's no way it's more than that.

Keep the change, all right?

What nice guys.

- God! - Oh my God, Mr. Krebbs.

Oh, man.

Sherri, what are you doing here?

My aunt lives here. What are you doing here?

Well, l live here.

Wow, what a coincidence.

Do you always get home this late from school?

Uh, no. l'm chairman of the book fair.

So a lot of organizing to do these next few nights.

How's Mrs. Krebbs?

She's so beautiful, by the way.

Thank you. No, she's good.

She's good. She's waiting for her pretzels.

She's getting all those cravings they talk about.

You know, last month and all.

So, um... Yeah, anyway, l'm gonna go up--

Um, l would love to get together

and talk about the book sometime.

Okay.

Um...

Okay, well, um...

we're gonna talk about that in school, all right?

And l'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bad move, man.

Shut up. Any customers?

Nope.

What the fuck is shit shit, man?

God damn, Carl.

Fucking pig, man.

Get on the other side of the counter.

Motherfucker.

l can't believe you're such a pussy.

Look who's fucking talking.

You practically stalked Lucy for the past five fucking years, man.

No.

We became friends.

You're telling me that you wouldn't go back with her?

No, l wouldn't.

Well, would you fuck her?

Yes, but that's different.

Oh, different my fucking ass, man.

Look, l ain't gonna play this whole macho posturing bullshit.

l can get past the whole Arnondo thing.

You know why?

Because fucking love is bigger than one little mistake.

Marco. His name is Marco.

Whatever, man. Fuck you.

Ol�!

Ol� ol� ol�.

Help me!

l'm in here!

Man on P.A.: Tony, please pick up extension 2-5.

Tony Gilbert, extension 2-5.

Tony, 2-5, please.

This is Tony.

Nope, in the back.

Yeah.

Well, what was the word of the day, Michael?

No no no, the word of the day was initiative.

Take some. Find it yourself.

Tell me when.

Hey, sweetie, you gonna play leapfrog

with the ladybug and the frog?

- All right. - lt's hard.

You can do it. Jump back and forth and play leapfrog.

All right. Good job.

That was good.

Krebbs: What, are you stalking me or what?

- You would like that, wouldn't you? - No, l would not.

No, l like to come here on Sundays

and have my iced coffee, read the paper.

Really? l've never seen you here on a Sunday,

lt's my new tradition.

What are you writing?

l am writing a screenplay.

- Wow. - Yeah.

l didn't know you wrote screenplays.

You wouldn't. Nobody knows.

l write them and nobody buys them, so why would you know?

Um, so what's it about?

Uh, it's a supernatural political thriller.

Wow.

- Okay, tell me. - Yeah?

- Mm-hmm. - All right.

Wow, that sounds complicated.

lt does, doesn't it?

Yeah, it takes a little bit of research,

but l like the political stuff.

Oh, me too.

- l love politics. - Yeah?

- l watch CNN all the time.

Oh boy.

l want a hot dog. l want a hot dog.

- l want a hot dog. - No.

No hot dogs. We eat healthy in this family.

All right, who wants what?

- l want a hot dog. - No.

Let her have a hot dog. lt's Sunday.

- Ben! - l want one too.

- l want a hot dog. - Fine. Fine.

God, all right. l'll have a chicken Caesar and an iced tea, all right?

- All right. - Are you happy now?

- One hotdog for you. - Plain with catsup too.

With catsup. One for me.

A chicken Caesar and an iced tea for Mommy,

And one barbequed beef sandwich for him.

- Be right back. - How can he eat that?

- Ben. - George, what are you doing here?

- l'm just coming from the gym. - Really?

- Hi, George Higgins. - Hi.

George, this is my wife Louise.

- This is my daughter Megan. - Hi.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

And that little larval human over there is Josh.

You have a cute little family here.

Thank you.

Well, l'll let you get back to doing what you were doing.

So see you around the campus?

- All right, take care, George. - Bye.

- Take care. - Bye.

- How do you know him? - l see him around the courthouse.

He works for one of those civil liberties groups.

Mommy, since l'm having vegetables

can't l have some ice cream?

l don't think so.

You know what? He seems a little G-A-Y to me.

- You think? - Yeah.

- All right, l'll be right back. - Just kidding.

- You are so cute. - l'm not even having vegetables.

Be right back.

Well, let's see if you eat all your dinner.

And if you do, we'll think about ice cream. How about that?

Okay.

So where is Mrs. Krebbs?

She's asleep. She's taking a nap.

You guys are a cute couple.

How long have you been together?

Been together seven years. Been married for two.

Wow.

- Seven years? - Seven years.

That's a long time to only have sex with one person.

Excuse me?

l'm sorry, Mr. Krebbs.

l'm just saying that seven years with no variety...

l mean, l know how guys are.

l assure you l'm not a guy, okay?

l'm-- l'm your teacher.

l know you're my teacher.

But last time l--

- l checked... - Mm-hmm.

You're a guy too. A very cute guy, l might add.

Thank you. Thank you for the compliment.

l really appreciate that, but l think...

l'm gonna go on that note. Okey-doke?

So why don't we just leave it there, okay?

l've got all my stuff. Thank you.

- l'll see-- - Um...

You can't blame a girl for trying.

See you in class.

Woman: There is somebody that works here

who l thought maybe l'd have a future with.

Ooh, do tell.

Wait, is it that cute kid in shipping?

What's his name? Doug?

No.

He's a manager.

Really?

Who is it?

lf l tell you you have to swear not to tell a soul.

He swore me to secrecy and said we'd both get fired.

Scout's honor.

Okay.

lt's Tony Gilbert. Do you know him?

Marian, will you call the New York stores, see if they have her size?

Hey, Tony, can l see you in the storeroom about that inventory problem?

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

- Marian, you got this covered? - Yes.

Come here. l was so horny l was--

Ow! What the hell was that for?

- For Naomi, you asshole. - Who's Naomi?

You creep! You don't even know who you sleep with.

The part-time girl in junior wear.

Oh, ''Niomi.''

What are you jealous about?

No, l'm not jealous. l'm angry.

How many other girls are you boinking in dark corners?

None, l swear. lt was a one-time thing.

Why am l even lying to you?

Yeah, l screw around with some of the girls, big deal.

- You're married with three kids. - That's besides the point.

What, are you gonna leave your husband for me?

- No, but-- - Lydia, let's be honest here.

We're both adults having a little fun, right?

l mean, l'm having fun. l hope you're having fun.

Frankly, you're more fun than any of them.

Oh, don't start doing that thing with me.

- What thing? - That Tony thing.

l'm not doing a Tony thing. l'm being straight with you.

Look, l don't drink, l don't smoke and l don't do drugs.

But everyone's got to have a vice. So my vice is pretty girls.

But frankly, you know,

you're different than the other ones.

- Oh, please. - No, l swear to God, you're sexier.

There's something-- like Naomi, she's just like a girl.

But there's something about you-- you're like a woman.

For instance, like, look at those boobs.

l'm getting turned on just standing here arguing with you.

- You know what l'm saying? - You're always turned on.

You're a walking hard-on.

Just feel that. You feel that?

Okay...

Tony, stop.

- l'm supposed to be mad at you. - Good, be mad.

Angry sex is good sex. l'll get angry too.

l'll think about social injustice

and how the Cubs can't win.

- And the rainforest.

You know, you are out of your mind.

Come here, help me off with these pants.

Let's go. Daddy's probably waiting for us by now.

- l want this kitty. - Next time, sweetheart.

- Please. - You have enough of them.

- Some other time. - Mom, l need it.

Hey, buddy. Sorry to keep you waiting.

My deposition ran long.

No problem.

And thank you for playing it cool at the mall.

Of course.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

l know what l want. You know what you want?

- Kobe burger--

l can't do this anymore.

This is out of the blue. Why?

Out of the blue?

l saw you with your family, man.

l saw how happy you were. They're beautiful.

You're never gonna leave them and l don't expect you to.

Look, l didn't expect to have these feelings for you, but l do.

lt hit me-- l need someone for me.

l'm not gonna share you.

l can't do this anymore.

Well, that's all well and good and l understand that

but we just don't cover acts of God

in our insurance policy.

lf you actually reread your homeowner's contract,

and l can actually read to you

from our manual and handbook--

l'm sorry.

Can l call you back?

lt's really funny every time.

Sour cream in my desk drawer--

that's just brilliant. That's hilarious.

Sour cre-- who would do a thing like that?

That is a perfectly good waste of sour cream.

You know, l get it. l'm the joke around here, okay?

Everybody loves to pick on me. l'm the nerd, okay?

Let's mess with Marty's car.

Let's lock him in that locker all weekend.

Let's pull his pants down in the middle of gym class.

Congratulations, Stuart. You win, okay?

You know, out of all the people

that have humiliated me and bullied me

you win, okay?

Because your pranks are the most creative

and the most outrageous

and the most-- the most hilarious for everybody, okay?

So l hope you are proud of yourself.

Jerk!

- Nice job. - Yeah.

- That brought up some issues. - ( both laugh )

Working late on the book fair again?

Sherri.

Barry.

Mr. Krebbs.

ls that what you want me to call you when you're fucking me?

l think you should go home now, Sherri.

l don't suppose you could give me a ride.

lsn't that your car right there?

lt won't start.

Get in.

My, what a big cock you have, Mr. Krebbs.

Sherri: l'll see you in class.

Holly?

l just fucked Mr. Krebbs.

ln the school parking lot.

Meet me at Denny's immediately.

Hey-o, l'm back.

l'm sorry, l checked the whole storeroom and we are completely out.

- l'm sorry. - Sorry about that.

We can order some.

Go on the internet, get some online maybe.

No, that's okay. Thank you.

No problem. lf you need help with anything else, you know where to find us.

- Okay, great. - Okay.

Courtney, you are doing a fantastic job, by the way.

l mean really great. Are you sure you haven't worked retail before?

l suppose l do if you count selling doughnuts in high school.

l absolutely count selling doughnuts.

You just have a great way with the customers, you know?

They really like you.

Thanks.

lt's easy to see why.

Thanks.

Want to see my balls?

Here they are. Bath balls.

You know, you put them in the bathtub and they fizz

and release oils and perfumes.

You always smell really nice, by the way.

Do you take a lot of baths?

l know perfectly well what bath bombs are.

Mr. Gilbert--

- Tony. - Mr. Gilbert.

l'd appreciate it if you'd keep your hands and your innuendoes to yourself.

Come on, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud.

l'm just a touchy-feely kind of guy, you know?

And besides, there hasn't been a girl this pretty

who's worked here in, like, ever.

Sometimes Little Tony takes over before Big Tony knows what's going on.

Do you have, like, any tattoos or anything?

Well, tell Little Tony l think he should know

l had to sue my previous employer for sexual harassment.

lt was a long drawn out process,

that was really embarrassing for all of us.

l'd hate to put myself or anyone else through that again.

Really?

Really.

Well, uh, Courtney,

if l crossed any line, l apologize.

Just trying to be friendly.

Well, l'm not here to make friends.

l'm just here to do my job.

So if you'll excuse me, l'm gonna go help some customers.

Barry.

- Hey, Dennis. - Hey, wait up.

l've been looking for you.

Come here. l've got to talk to you.

What's up?

You fuck Sherri Van Hafton?

What?

lt's a pretty simple question. Did you fuck Sherri Van Hafton?

No, absolutely not.

Why?

Look, l'm not saying l'd blame you if you did.

l'd give my left nut to get some of that stink on my pinkie,

but kids are talking

and word is that you did.

All right, well, l didn't, okay?

Barry.

lt's me. Just be honest.

l don't care. l'm just curious.

lt's true, isn't it?

No, it's 100% not true.

Okay?

Well, if it's not true, that's too bad.

l was gonna ask you if l could smell your fingers.

But if it is true--

l'm just saying if--

lie about it. Lie about it no matter what she says.

l mean, ultimately it's just her word against yours.

Fucking asshole.

Megan: Norman threw up on the slide today

and it went all the way down.

He did? Ew.

And then Buddy Miller...

Mom, what are we gonna do after this?

After-- well, l have to buy my dress for tomorrow night.

Can you buy me a dress too?

We'll see.

Maybe-- well, l do need to get a dress for you

for Carrie's birthday party.

Can it not have a bow on it?

No, it doesn't have to have a bow on it.

You should have seen his face.

What did you say? What did you say?

Exactly what you told me to say.

Oh my God, He must have totally freaked out.

What l would have given to have been a fly on the wall.

You were so right.

First of all, the second we were alone he started.

And just shameless.

See, l told you. The second you got hired l knew you'd be next.

When he tried that Casanova shit on me

l told him, ''You touch me again,

l'm gonna sic my 300-lb husband on your bony ass.''

And what does Little Tony think of that?

Do you think any girls here have actually slept with him?

Oh, l don't know.

Only the stupid ones, l would think.

Well, nice work, sister.

Mr. Krebbs, can l see you for a minute please?

Krebbs: Yeah, sure.

Guys, just start the next chapter in the book, okay, please?

Thank you. What's going on?

What happened? ls my wife okay?

- Barry Krebbs? - Yeah?

You're under arrest for sexual assault and rape of a minor.

What? Rape?

l didn't rape-- what are you talking about?

- l didn't rape-- this is a mistake. - Barry, just--

- Bill, l didn't rape anyone. - Barry, just do what they say.

You have the right to remain silent. lf you refuse that right,

anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney.

lf you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you.

Do you understand these rights as l've explained them to you?

Yes.

Sir, there was a Middle-Eastern guy onboard before.

l didn't see him get off, but he left his knapsack on here

and it looks kind of suspicious.

Driver: Get off the bus now.

Now, go go go. Off the bus.

Step away from the bus.

Step away from the bus now.

He had always been really nice to all the kids at school.

Always helped us with our problems.

So when he asked me to stay after school and help with the book fair

l was happy to help.

But when we got to his car...

that's when it happened.

He just came up behind me

and pushed himself against me.

Woman: Does she have to relive every detail?

Ma'am, please.

And then he started saying how sexy l was

and how he wanted...

to F me.

l told Mr. Krebbs how inappropriate this was

and that l was a virgin.

And then he just got this wild look in his eyes

and he told me how bad l wanted it

and just shoved me in the car.

He pulled out his...

- you know. - His penis?

Yes.

And he shoved it in my mouth.

Woman: Oh my God.

l'm sorry, Daddy. l tried to get out.

He just kept pulling me back in.

You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart.

He pulled down my underpants...

and he shoved himself inside of me.

And l just kept saying no.

No no.

But he just kept going.

And then he told me if l ever told anybody about this

he would kill me.

Then he threw me out of the car

and drove away.

Right, okay.

And these events,

they happened exactly as you described them right here?

Yes.

Don't.

lt's all a huge lie.

lt's just--

teenagers are crazy. They're emotional unstable.

l mean, it's--

it's just some little bitch trying to get back at me

for flunking her on a test.

She made the whole thing up.

l mean--

come on, you know l would never do anything like that.

Are you aware that...

that rape is a very serious charge?

Of course she's aware that rape is a very serious charge.

What the hell kind of question is that?

Miss Van Hafton, are you also aware

that your school is equipped with a very comprehensive

system of surveillance cameras?

l'm sorry, what?

You're such an idiot.

What?

They have you on tape, Barry.

What?

They have you

on tape

fucking a 16-year-old girl

right in the high school parking lot.

( sobs )

What kind of moron are you?

How many other teenyboppers have you fucked?

None! None! Never! Never!

l-- who told you that there was tape?

The police.

ln our car, Barry?

The car my father paid for?

God damn it, Barry.

lt--

All right.

l admit l had sex with her

once in the car.

But she-- she came onto me so many times.

She was like a Lolita. You have no idea,

honey, the lengths that this girl went to to seduce me.

And l--

Yeah, l got weak. All right? l admit it.

But l didn't rape her.

Seduce you?

l don't even know who you are anymore.

You're the grownup.

- You should have known better! - l know! l know!

ls it me?

ls it because l'm just so fat and ugly now

- you have to go out and fuck someone? - No no no no.

No, honey, l love you. l love you.

You're the most beautiful woman l've ever known and l love you.

l'm so sorry.

l'm sorry.

Okay.

You know what?

l've heard everything l needed to hear, okay?

l'm going back to Philly to have the baby there.

Don't go.

l hope she was worth it.

How about some stir-fried chicken and vegetables?

How does that sound? Does that sound good?

No.

Now, Megan, if you want to eat ice cream,

you have to eat a healthier meal, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, l'll be right back.

- You are the guarder of the bags. - Okay.

- You are in charge. - Okay.

- All right? - Uh-huh.

You must be Megan.

l'm your mother's friend Joe.

This is Marty...

Listen, l've got some good news.

Megan?

Megan?

Excuse me, did you happen to see a little girl?

She was sitting right here. She had a purple shirt on.

She had a purple shirt on, short brown hair.

No, l was turned around.

Megan?

My little girl was just sitting here a minute ago.

No one? You didn't see her leave or anything?

Oh my God.

Megan!

Megan!

Megan! Oh my God.

Megan! Oh my God. Somebody help me.

Megan!

My little girl was sitting right here.

All l did was go to get some food

and l don't know where she is now.

Control, stand by.

Willie: ## And l'm dead drunk on the playground ##

## Today ##

## l scare the kids ##

## Who come here to play ##

## And, Amanda, won't you come back ##

## 'Cause my brain ##

## lt cannot live at all this way ##

## 'Cause you had to do your thing ##

## l had to do my thing ##

## But we both did nothing at all. ##

- Holy shit, man. - What?

What?

Those guys look just like the Candid Camera Killers, man.

The two guys that killed the fucking cop.

Oh my gosh. Should we like call the cops or something?

What are you talking about?

On the news they showed dashboard footage of two guys killing a fucking cop

and they looked just like them motherfuckers, man.

Carl: No way, l know those guys.

lt wasn't them. Those are nice guys.

How the fuck do you know them?

The other night when you were in the diner

they came in.

l couldn't get the register open, right?

They gave me 40 bucks for like 10 bucks worth of shit

and they said keep the change.

Those are nice guys.

l thought you said nobody came in here, man.

Oh, l did? Oh. l lied.

Fucking asshole.

Amanda: Um, they're coming in here.

All right, Amanda, just get to the bathroom and stay there, all right?

- Sherri. - Barry.

Mr. Krebbs.

ls that what you want me to call you when you're fucking me?

- Holly.

l just fucked Mr. Krebbs.

ln the school parking lot.

Meet me at Denny's immediately.

l'm sorry.

- Hey. - Hey.

You're the new guy. l remember.

Carl: That's me.

What are you doing on this side of the counter?

l got fired.

lt's a tough business, this mini-mart shit, huh?

$16.68.

All right, thanks.

That's them, man.

What are you doing?

Calling the fucking cops, man.

Hello. Yes, the Candid Camera Killers.

The two guys that killed the cop,

they're leaving my convenience store

on Huber and 15th right now in a black car.

Their license plate

is F-O-O-T-D-O-C.

We've called the police. They're on their way.

Our staff, they're combing the mall right now.

Have you been able to reach your husband yet?

No, he has his fucking phone turned off.

All right.

We got some good news and we got some bad news.

She admitted it wasn't a forcible rape.

Thank God.

Not so fast.

Bad news is statutory rape is still rape in the eyes of the law.

Ben, you've got to get me out of this.

l mean, she came on to me. The tape proves that, right?

lt doesn't matter.

Look, she could be wearing two band-aids,

a dollop of whipped cream, six-inch fuck-me pumps

and begging for it.

lf she's a minor, you as the adult are supposed to walk away.

l know.

l'm not saying it doesn't go against every male instinct

that has been genetically passed down through millions of years.

l mean, between you and me, l've seen her.

Would have been a tough call for any man.

You did it, those are facts.

So what happens next?

Look, it's all on tape.

You've got to plead no contest and hope

that because this is your first offense you can get away with minimum.

So can l get off with like a fine or something and community service?

You don't watch much TV, do you?

Look,

if a person convicted of statutory rape

is 21 years of age or older, that's you,

and is eight years or more than eight years older than the victim,

which is also you,

then no part of the minimum sentence can be stayed,

probated or suspended.

What the hell does that mean?

l mean, what-- what's the minimum?

10 years.

And it could have been so much worse. lt could have been 20.

But because she lied and we have the evidence on tape

l'm sure that we can get the minimum.

Of course, you'll have to register as a sex offender when you get out.

And, uh,

forget about teaching ever again.

And as far as your unborn child goes,

you can forget about custody. That's gonna be impossible.

But l can probably get you supervised visitation rights.

All in all you're getting off pretty easy.

Man: l'm sorry to cut you off, Bonnie,

but what we're looking at here is a high-speed pursuit in progress.

Police believe that the Candid Camera Killers,

the alleged murderers of Officer Lawrence Garby,

architect Stanley Jeffers

and abductors of Francine Figgs are in that black sedan

heading north on lnterstate 17.

- Can you believe this? - Shit, man.

- A fast-thinking Quickie Mart clerk... - Shit.

...took a picture of the license plate with a video phone mere moments ago.

l could have been fucking killed.

No shit, man.

We've seen some harrowing near misses in speeds in excess of 80mph.

The stolen car is registered to a Dr. Vanay Rubastaba.

- Oh! - Oh shit!

Reporter: Whoa, did you see that? That looks bad.

Motherfucker, man!

- Oh my God. - Damn.

- l'm Ben Rosen, my wife-- - Follow me, sir.

Louise! Baby, what happened?

- What happened? - Oh, God, Ben.

l was just getting some food

and l swear to God l was just 10 feet away from her.

l swear to God l just looked for a second.

Why can't they find her, Ben?

- Why can't they find her? - Shh.

## Couldn't look you in the eye ##

## You were someone else's lie ##

## So you trash a little light ##

## And when the colors seem to fade ##

## Everything is black and gray ##

## l couldn't look ##

## l couldn't walk away ##

## 'Cause you couldn't stay ##

## Darling, save your love for me ##

## Darling, save your love for me ##

## lf only you could set me free ##

## Then l could live again ##

## We'll start it where the story ends ##

## Darling, save your love for me ##

## Darling, save your love for me ##

## Look into this broken lens ##

## And we can write the end ##

## We'll start it where the story ends. ##

l got the photo of the damage

and it looks like they clobbered you pretty good.

lt looks like that back rear-panel section

is probably gonna have to go entirely.

But the sides are--

there's just one little scratch, right.

And l think the best way to go about that

would be to--

Are you Martin Dougle?

Yes.

l think you know why l'm here.

'Cause it's your birthday!

Hit it!

## Everybody dance now... ##

## Everybody dance now... ##

You want it.

You know you do.

## Everybody dance now ##

## Yeah yeah ##

## Yeah ##

## Everybody dance now ##

## Yeah yeah ##

## Yeah... ##

## Opening a can of worms ##

## That are now out of date ##

## No matter what you do ##

## Don't you dare throw them away ##

## A harlot spikes the bowl ##

## With regurgitated brains ##

## We hide under a broken rainbow ##

## Waiting for the rain to fade ##

## D�j� vu ##

## lt sounds like something not true ##

## But l think ##

## That l have seen it with you ##

## l am sure ##

## l've never been here before ##

## lt's there's at my door ##

## That is running on the floor ##

## High ##

## Up at the shooting range ##

## Where the kids play ##

## And there's bad blood ##

## We were high ##

## And feeling no pain ##

## Where the trash drains ##

## ls where we will lie ##

## Looking out the window ##

## With a hot beer on the red-eye ##

## lt seems so still ##

## l know we're cruising fast against the sky ##

## The mountains below ##

## They all have faces of snow ##

## They're bigger than l thought ##

## They're almost touching me ##

## But l'm high ##

## Up at the shooting range ##

## Where there kids play ##

## All their gun games ##

## We're high ##

## And feeling no pain ##

## Where the trash drains ##

## ls where we'll lie ##

## High ##

## Up at the shooting range ##

## Where the kids play ##

## And there's bad blood ##

## We were high. ##

## l'm getting electrocuted ##

## l am getting my head burned up ##

## l am getting electrocuted ##

## 'Cause l killed all of my neighbors ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Yeah, burn me up ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Burn me up ##

## Yesterday l was prosecuted ##

## By a jury of soccer moms ##

## Though l tried hard to dispute it ##

## They said they don't want to hear that song ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Yeah, burn me up ##

## Burn me up, burn me up ##

## Burn me up ##

## The families are laughing, my family is crying ##

## 'Cause today my head gets electrocuted ##

## My family is crying, 'cause today l'm dying ##

## And today my head gets fried like an omelet ##

## The families are laughing, my family is crying ##

## 'Cause today my head gets electrocuted ##

## My family is crying, 'cause today l'm dying ##

## And today my head gets fried like an omelet. ##

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