Original subtitles

If you're here today and never Did not plan to commit suicide

then you never been in love

If you're here today and never planned murder

so you never been divorced

It is the worst thing that happened to me

I'd rather be the largest shareholder pivot Child Baldwin

with the General Director of Britney Spears

And what was my fault after the last tour, I said:

"Lord, give me an idea for a new performance"

What god weapon: "Get a divorce"

So choose your words when you talk with God

Do not give out his vague phrases Run he understood

I applied for divorce in June 2006, the sixth

6.6.6 to

What, if not surprisingly, turned my former Demon blazing forth from the depths of hell

But for obvious reasons I have to call her Kate

And I saw that things change

things get weird

We've been married 15 years and everything went wrong direction 17 years ago

Because she is one of those families

If you are with someone meet and met with her family

and Family of the Weird

And you think: "Do not worry, it is normal"

then you are mad

It is not normal, it is like a time bomb

Madness is approaching

Her family is Irish Catholic,

Autistics

But not lucky and really angry

Let's swell and hell, damn and swell

What? What? What?

In each district there is not a planet of such a house

People who live in it, too old, run to name their children, but they will never grow up

This can be understood by "Aerosmith" screaming from the window of their living room

four pitbull--sociopath constantly run around the yard,

red, with a lame leg, constantly lifts his leg on a fence

You can tell that the family income doubled, Because they have a new garden babble in the driveway

Postmen are afraid to bring them almost, just give her the cops, they still come back soon

And if you do not know about any house in the neighborhood in question,

then you are living in this house

Why do we stay with these people? Why live in this nightmare?

Why stay with these vampires suck the life?

Suck out your soul

Drawn into this psychological trap Day after day, year after year

To the End of the relations you to remain an empty shell filled with hatred and fear

By the way, at this point, do not look at the person you are currently

Now run the wrong time to look closely

I must warn you about today's show, it is something to complement your Their attitude will destroy anything

In any case, please

Happy St. Valentine's Day

It will be a few more things which I will discuss later,

after that you may want to say:

DO NOT do this

Look at me

Do not look at them

But all we are left with these people. You know why?

Because each of us in the head, There is an inner dork

Small voice, Who says you're not good enough and will never be enough good

you do not look good enough, do not make enough money

Voice that once you say to yourself: "I'll raise"

Answers: "Yeah, but you're fired, you idiot.

"Come on, come on, you moron"

My terrible

Today, he told me to remove: "You have a show, and you're the word" evil " is not correct, idiot "

That's how my inner voice is terrible

If I drive on the highway and the band, in which I was riding stopped I rebuilt in the next

and she also stopped by, My inner voice told me:

It's your fault.

The entire route hates you now.

I hope they naderut your ass,

idiot

And the strange thing is that in childhood none of us had that voice

We lived our lives and enjoyed it

I'll be astronauts. No!

I'll drive a van with ice cream. No!

I will drive a trailer with Ice in Space

My father saw me, full of hope and a happy life

It will not work, you little fruit

Want to be an astronaut? Look at your assessment

We describe your assessment of a word

Let's draw a test What other words start with F? Fool, a weakling, a loser

Can the adoptive parents?

They will buy me a van with ice cream

All my life my father humiliated me

Your team finished fifth, It should have been the first

You are too slow, you pull the team to the bottom

You're too fat, too skinny, Shut up and stop staring at me, Little Idiot

When I was 18, I said: "Dad, I'm leaving and I will not have to listen to this shit "

A little voice in my head: "Yes, but I'll be with you all your life"

And, by the way, it was a brilliant speech

But you know that in a week you come back and you will be beg for forgiveness and the possibility of wash wear

Idiot

And thanks to that voice in your head, I met with a psychopath

I suffered for years and now decided:

You know what, ever since I met you, you just did was destroying my life. I'm leaving and I do not want to see you again

I slammed the door and heard a quiet voice: "Wait a minute.

If you now go away

such a loser like you, stay alone the rest of his days.

Look at her for the last time

Perhaps it is best that you shine.

I know that every time you swear it pierces you with a knife.

Finally, you use your insurance

Finally, you're fired, you idiot

I knew that everything is bad, We all have hunches

Every time you have a problem in the relationship, you have a hunch

For example, two years before the divorce she had her silicone forces

And, guys, if you meet a girl five years, and she decided to make their own strength,

it does not for you

It touches on a new fresh meat hook that's about the size of it

She catches another idiot

Because you did not meet its financial expectations

So she throws this fifth dimension new date in the pond

In the two years before the divorce My ex had her new hair

new eyes, new boobs, new lips

I protyuningoval bitch from scratch, man

It was a complete reconstruction

Now the new guys lead her

I want to clarify this topic. Ladies, if you want to silicone tits please

I want to clarify, I'm not against silicone boobs until you use it for evil

But do not do it, what do you want men

Men do not find something more effective the more better. We think not

We want to run to you, they look good, Do not go crazy

My ex--crazed, man

In my opinion, she did Tits

four sizes larger What must be done

if there was one and a half meters above the

For such and such boobs she should be Growth from Shaquille Neal

Only such skeletons can deter them

Association strippers sent mourning

No need to make that big. When a woman gets up, does not have to climb the wind

California state, where the law on which

property is divided in half

Plastic surgery is the property? I want half of the results of plastic surgery

I do not want Cash

I want to get out of court with banks

I want to run it came out as a man--elephant

Half of the hair is not, one eye squinted, half lips no one breast

Your Honor, this is outrageous

I learned that she had met with two guys

One of them in '60

But he has $ 20 million

Wow, how many whores, seriously!

So viewers react

I must say that when I heard about twenty million I thought:

Wow, well done, well done

And you know what? If he buy me a Corvette Z 06

I'll throw you to the heart--breaking on Wednesday

But 60

I do not care, but 60!

As you can focus during sex if you constantly think:

He broke his hip, he broke his hip ...

I know what he likes

we have a child, so she knows how to change a diaper, so I understand

Why are we left with these suck all the vital forces of a pain in the ass

We all do

We all did it, waited too long. Apart from my father

My father is an exception, he divorced six times

Similarly, he divorced five times. Six times he did not divorce, because You see people decide that it is not ready for commitment

I do not want run people do not take me seriously

Dad, your last marriage conducted in Reno lesbian Elvis impersonator,

Kotor you punched

And in this room, all those who are looking to

everyone I've ever met, destroyed any moment from a past relationship

And this change of heart you drag in every relationship that you will be after

That's it!

Each there is a woman, Have a little scared man

Your new guy is too much you tickle-- injunction

Everyone present here a guy she slept with razabrats best friend

Your new girl is too long hugs cousin the Thanksgiving--to--machine pieces. Sorry, dude

I have a five--second rule

My father was killed before

My father wanted to spit on women so many times he was bred

A woman can do nothing, nothing

Kenny, I added a couple of pounds

Seriously? I collect my gear and drag your fat ass out of here

I lost

I collect my gear and drag away his skinny ass

And these women ... My father was so quick burst that they were in shock

They collected and taken away their belongings, taking and the things of his father, because a California law

And they always ask me the same thing, and then I was a child, I was eight years old

They turned to me and asked: "Why did your father is?"

And you know my mother?

Because it looks like it a villain from Batman

Knowing my mom, surprising that the father Not to leave the city to kill whores run bed

She came to my graduation at the school in white boots

and army jacket

So apparently, something was wrong or

she was a battalion commander strippers

Their relationship is based on sex and madness

My father believed that sexual

I asked razabrats: "Dad, if it was such a crazy, Why do you live with her? "

Son, anyone can build a relationship

but if you're with a woman who is so crazy, that if you once at night not wearing body armor, then you can not wake up the next day

it excites

My mother shot her last husband

Father said: "Dodged this Puglia, haha!"

Manic depressive schizophrenic alcoholic

My cord was crazy straw

Both of my parents were crazy, but the carnage levels

My father was a wishlist Alcoholics Anonymous

My mother was PEROLS

and lithium

They married when they were very young, when his father served in the Nat. Guard

My father fought for his country in the Nat. Guard

Quietly

He defended from attack by angry mob

What does he once defended the stone liquor store all weekend

But it was a liquor store, so my father is a first--in, last out

My father, his sergeant exhibited three of Nat. Guard

Apparently you can not drag his entire team in the pool on holiday

and call it a "mission"

He had permission to break into hotel Courtyard Marriott

I asked him one day as I have conceived

You know why? Because I wanted a good story I do not have good stories

I do not have any romantic stories about my parents, which would not have ended with the phrase:

So, the cops finally busted bitch Crazies

I only wanted one

I wanted to see my father nostalgic, because he was not. I wanted to hear:

Son, God, the night when we conceived you

moonlight came through the hair of your mother,

she heard voices

I was sober

Instead, he said:

Do you really want to hear this?

Okay, but just remember that you had asked. I'm not going to pay for a psychologist, you moron

He returned to the Nat. Guard after summer camp, again ordinary

turned out they did not like it when obstacle to add a stack of tequila

Add this to the charter, the idiots

I went back to our apartment, and found that there is no furniture, Your mom is not and our bank account is empty

I checked if there is a room of corpses wiped fingerprints from door handles and telephone and dumped

Filed for divorce

Three months later, your mom called and said she wanted to meet again once more

And I went, because your mom

was sexual

She could do this thing with a foot and a bedside table

Dad!

Do not mess with the circus, kid

We began to talk, the situation became red and I realized that he was ready to throw the hook

Dad!

I do not even know what that means, but please do not say that anymore

Are you gay now? What happened to you?

Ok, well, not to affect your delicate nature.

So I was ready udelat your mom

And the sex was terrific, real animal sex

But it's still your mother, so I half--knife

And in the midst of the process, a son, in the sense that I had already entered

Let me finish, okay?

So, in the middle of the process, her new boyfriend, reporter, began banging on the front door

"Nina, why are you doing this to me?"

I realized that I could stop and leave humiliated

or

I can raise my voice

and humiliate him

So I started to scream as loud as he could

"That's what you want, my friend, yes? That's what it means to be a real man.

"Write down this whiner.

"Here's an idea for an article"

I finished, he took his shirt off and knocked out

When I left, he was still standing there and crying

So I fucked your mother and got her new boyfriend cry

Two for the price of one

Three weeks later, she called me and told you that she is pregnant

Son, you are the result of revenge sex

It's like Christmas story

Why do we stay with these exhausting, pressing in on us parasites

Why?

You know the real reason? Love

All we want is love

It's worth more than money, fame, austin martin

We want someone who will swear like crazy and then engage in animal sex so that the left side is numb

I do not know why we have argued, but can you make me an omelette

Someone who will go to court for you

and sovret

Someone who makes you tick even after nableval in your car

Love

Someone who will be with you 65 or 70 years

and at the end of your life you sit in the house, which bought together

And you're old, wrinkled, smelly

and shit through a hole in the side

She's old, wrinkled, smelly and does not remember your name

She just calls you "Nice people"

But you're still in love, holding hands, look each other in the dairy, cloudy from a cataract eye

Your heart can not stand and explode. You're both going to die. That's all we want!

That's all we want!

For the sake of this little drug--love We are ready to live life with idiots, dude

Stay with an idiot ... You try to change it, do better, constantly finding excuses

No, no, no, it's cool, all excellent

That's just no longer sleep with my father and my sister and everything will be very good

Soon, soon, soon

He is not like that, he did not hit me the aluminum bat

I hated the sound

For years, you tolerate it for years

Tolerate a 2, 4, 6 years

All of us. And you know what's weird?

You do not get a discount at the end of life for having lived with an idiot, no

Death appears saying: "I have to pick you up today but you with this bitch what, three years?

"Here's a coupon"

And we pull this strap, tolerate it, trying to change them, make them better

It will be better, we should wait a year and everything will be fine

You endure it. And you know what? This is your life

while

You come to Starbucks

and you fuck up a latte once

and that you are not tolerated

Barista!

This is similar to your hot soy latte?

No, hell, why do not you do it again

But you suffer idiot years

I wish I had been to Starbucks for a relationship. Because everything is completely

You can get .. All perfectly in Starbucks you can get the relationship that you want:

Hello, I need a new girl this time, no jealousy and half of bipolarity

I want polarity, it will be ok

Jealousy--Auschwitz emotions

Death Camp for relations

I make excuses for what was sleeping with people

that was not even familiar

I'm not making this up. You're just going to, to go somewhere, and here you sit

And if you're dating a jealous man then you do not need to look at it, to know what's going on

You sit and you feel that your ears are burning

And I feel like her head turns

Now I hear two voices in my head, little old man:

Oh, looks like a storm is approaching

And my inner dork: "I'm hiding away from the valley!

Do not look at her, look at her!

Okay, okay, I know what's going on. I will look forward, I will not look at it

If I do not look at her, there will be no reason to start an argument

But she continues to stare at me and it is hard to ignore, because the party is beginning to smoke

And I say: "What?"

I do not chtokay

Why do it right then do not fuck

You look at it, you say to her, why do not fuck her?

This is a parent--teacher meeting

What the hell is wrong with you?

She asked to go with her to the mall

And I have to go with her to the mall, because if I'm not going to be: "And you do not want to come with me, you meet with your girlfriend ..."

As a result, I go to the mall with her, so as not to offend

And how is my time at the mall. Come on, she was there with me:

This is what you want, look at it, the red

this is what you want, it is high, this is what you want, it is in high heels ...

Listen,

if I wanted to go to the mall, to popyalitsya for youngsters in ugah, I would come here himself

And, ladies

If you are jealous and you and your man at the mall and you think he's looking around, I want to tell you something

If your man go with you to the mall

he loves you

and he does not think about other women

You know what he's thinking? "Damn, I wish I could now do something useful"

For example cleaned drain,

find purpose in life

invent a machine that goes on the broken dreams and lost hopes

Instead, I wander the mall the princess of jealousy, which I hate throws lumps

And another thing

Ladies, if you are jealous and go with her man to the shopping center and points out the hot chicks

and he looks

You are to blame

In this situation, you are the co--pilot

And that goes for guys too. If you are one of those who say: "You look at this guy?"

And she says: "You mean the guy who like earning more than you? "

No, but thanks for the help

Jealousy is death, man

And I'm so lousy themselves against feeling before you go to the mall, I have to stop and prepare

I have to warm up, because the my neck gets stuck on the next three hours

It keeps track of a cobra the movements of my head

Where are you looking?

So I want at the mall like this

And God forbid someone sexy get into my field of view, I'm dead

Oh, my God, she is sexy, Look the other way

A nun, she also seems sexy turn away

This sexy mannequin dressed in a bikini, turn away

This courier in shorts Look at the floor

This high heels transvestite pluck out your eyes!

Because I want to love, you know

And if it makes her happy I povykovyrivayu your eyes

if after it will not be jealous

But I know what will happen

I povykovyrivayu eyes, I will stomp at the mall with a cane

You smelled this bitch, huh?

Nutty and turns you into a crazy

When you are with someone crazy, it drives you crazy. Keep looking at me

Because Geeks know they are crazy

Was a girl who broke up all my friends and family

She knew that she was looking and their brain is not clouded by sex

We had a family dinner all gone, and after it:

You know, your friends Tom and Steve, I do not want them to come to us

And your dad me poshuchivaet, I do not want him to come to us

Your sister clung to me in the day of Thanksgiving, I do not want it to come to us

Three years later, I could not move out of it, because I do not know anyone who has a truck

Now I have to live with you the rest of my days

My other girl beat me indiscriminately. She just beat

If we had a dispute then its argument was a blow

By all accounts, the Geneva Convention, for the fact that this chick did to me

it should be punished the laws of war, immediately

But at the end of our argument, so she turned, I apologized to her

And it was strange

I talked to friends:

Guys, this is what happened to me yesterday: I got three in the morning and she had me beat

We talked about it and I bought her flowers

And my friends said:

You could call me and leave it on the voice mail, so I can give you is to listen

Then she found out that I was talking Friends of our relationship

If I had sold nuclear secrets North Korea

What do you mean, you were talking about our relationship?

Sit!

What is the deal that you discuss our affairs?

This is our business

What is the deal that they know of our affairs?

Explained!

We were just talking in the car

when he was taking me out of the hospital

Because I had these cuts, after you stabbed me

Always the case in your

I stabbed, stabbed ...

No, no, it's a little bit and you

because it's you stabbed me

Even a finger poking into me

You stabbed myeon, stabbed ...

But that is the question

what you did, I stabbed you?

I'm not running and I cut all in a row, right

I'm not a crazy maniac, right

I'm not stabbed those bitches in a shopping center, where you saw

So instead of all blame me and point fingers

and by the way, when you do that, three other shows on you

Instead, it may slow down and zadash yourself this question:

What I did is that I was stabbed?

I ran away from you,

because you had the knife

and you scream: "I'll now prirezhu"

Then I got to the door, that you shut

and when I turned around

You stabbed me

Yes, this is what happened

But who left the keys on the table, I was able to lock the door?

Oh my God, you're right

Sorry to keep you stab me

I deserve it, deserve it, deserve

Nutty and turns you into a crazy

And you should have come last quarrel with disastrous results

This quarrel, the next day to say:

We need two doors to the bathroom

This is all the options?

As uncontrolled brawl in a bar, we all have this happen

And the people who say: "Our relationship ended normally"

You lying bastards. Seriously?

None of the relationship did not end normally

People say that, because for all the things what they did to each other during the last argument

they can still be sued

Restraining order is not canceled

The story I want to tell you,

is not related to anyone now living or deceased

and no matter what my ex says

I want you to know, this is my version of the story

If you want to see a version of it when it satisfied with performance and build all this madness tries can go and see it too

And I want to clarify I know who I am

I'm just a thin layer of charm, with crumbs of fun around a huge creamy center of an arrogant ass

He's an idiot, but stunningly self--assured

When relationships go bad, there are always signs

People act differently, speak differently

Honey, what do you think of this shirt?

I think this shirt is sucked pleasure out of my life, and bound in a marriage without love

And the pants give you hope?

And she slept with our children, and not to me,

that makes it impossible to fully communicate

All that I have not thought about this, disgusting

They give of things that I can not? This is just weird

In the end, I got angry, entered the room and said:

Listen, we need to talk.

I do not know what's happening. We have long been married. We have to talk about it

She: "No, I do not want to talk about it"

And she was a child

Me: "No, we'll talk about it today,"

and she replied,

I thought,

There is something wrong

I picked it up to take out of the room, took the child, put him on the bed and said:

Listen, we need to talk

At this point, my daughter has come: "Mom, Dad do not swear"

I did not want to see my daughter as we swear. I remember when I looked at the parents quarrel

Pope holds a chair mother waving an ax

So I brought her into the room and buried the door

The former ran behind me to the kitchen, I heard this sound

I did not understand what had happened, ran into the kitchen

She had a knife in his hand and she cried:

Come on!

And I thought,

We missed a couple of levels

And here's the thing its growth--158 I--188

I weigh twice as much as martial arts so my first thought was:

I'm in "The Lord of the Rings" Fight Hobbit

I took a knife, and laid him on the floor and said:

Listen, we need to talk

Just a great offer, when someone pokes you with a knife

You are very useful when peace talks

Again, my daughter came running: "Mom, Dad, do not swear"

Now I feel terrible. My daughter read the books of Dr. Seuss

So I tried to calm the situation, it rhymed

Honey, go to your room and shut the door. Your Mom and Dad now tear each other like animals

At this point, my ex jumped my back cutting off all escape routes

I grabbed her arm and grabbed her ass took off on the sofa and said:

Listen!

we need to talk

Now you can hear how it sounds stupid, but

She stood up and said: "I wish you to commit suicide, as your mother and sister "

Angry huh?

And this was the one click. You know, this mouse?

I thought, "Wow, did you really say that?"

If you really said it, then

you're not my van with ice cream

And I do not feel like an astronaut because it's just not the cosmos

She went upstairs, and I went to bed

Perfect solution when someone wants you to death with a knife and pokes at you

Now you are under ballistic protection blankets

Dead man sleeps

But she did not kill

Woke up the next morning,

met in the kitchen held a sort of a strange conversation

and went about his business

Madness

We had dinner every day this week talking, walking,

She drove me to the airport on Friday, where I took off on my statement

-- I love you -- I love you too

Arrived to speak to Texas children tried to call anyone

I call on her cell phone--one

We have a year before this was identity theft, lost a lot of money from account

It turned out I know who it is

They urge me recently knife

I gave her all flogged by email, it did not change their

And I went and ...

I should not have it

Because I found a letter

that was sent the day before

old guy about her new boyfriend

It said that this guy was in my house with my children at 11:30 pm, and a letter was sent to 04.05 am

And I go on stage in an hour

That's so funny you are, asshole, let's

I do not remember speaking, took to the stage

came with a price, he went to his room behind the stage

and I thought, "Wow, 15 years of marriage.

"I'm done with my life as a mother and sister"

I started looking for a gun, because I was in Texas, and there is no problem to find a gun

But I had already configured: "You know what?

do not care.

15, she will get all money at home

and children.

Hot Rod, which I did

I need a good lawyer

So I got into the directory

Because you're a genius

I filed for divorce on restraining order

I have come to court next Monday and was on edge

I went to the court as a super hero

Your honor, I do not want to be more roguish husband whores

And I was right, she said to the court:

Your honor, this man is beating me past 20 years and has children from the day they were born

And as it turned out, "Nope" does not pass in California court

Unlawfully

Why do women say that? Why does someone say such if it was not?

Let me explain about the law division of property at divorce

This also applies to Alec Baldwin

In these states, all share in half no matter what happened

You can, if married, fucking monkey and will still be 50/50

Maybe something perepadet monkey, I do not know

This is not the case for my

50/50 except

cases of domestic violence

And then, if the judge believes it the right to award 100% of the property and custody of the children "affected party"

And the only time I wanted to become a man beats his wife

this is when I was called

Your Honor, may I have five minutes, I did this to be true, please?

Could you just blink very long time

We still sudimsya 2.5 years. And after the show trial will be delayed for a year

See you in court

You know, the worst is that the children involved in this

When you have a heavy divorce and you have children, Parents do not talk

In normal divorce is not so. -- I will let down their evening -- Well, do not be late. See you

In severe divorce

transfer of children becoming in the transfer of the hostages and every week

This is not cool

I call her on the road:

I am 300 meters from the house

I will be with you through Feb. 3

in view, in view

Come to the gate ... Stop

Come back to the house to take away children is crap and dress in what I like to see them

You have three seconds

February 1 Ok, get out

Come to the gate. Stop. Back ten steps

I check the box to track child support

Children, a car door open

go, go, go

It's tough, man

But divorce is change. God said, you need a change

And now you have the account just a trifle

The most expensive ... I have to pay for three attorneys

Her lawyer, my lawyer and children, which is called the consultant

They have a lawyer

Do not let shestiletkam such power!

Baby, go get rid of the room

Dad, I talked to my lawyer

and we decided that my room is not dirty

And you could not have to move, I'm trying to watch "Hannah Montana"

Many people said to me: "Do not worry, all the will of God"

So you should not be together.

Seriously? God's will? God is somehow involved in this?

20 years with someone, 20 years of my life down the drain

All the money that I earned, career, I chose two children

Seriously, God? Is this how you work?

This terrible liar nightmare is that you?

In this case, THERE IS NO GOD

And God said to me:

Christopher,

I did this so that you could meet dvadtsatidevyatiletnyuyu Diesel jeans model

which has two degrees and she, too, had to pay for their silicone breasts

Can I help you, Mr.

I received my order at Starbucks

This is amazing, I had no idea I am acquainted with it, it was so unexpected

I would like a new girl ... I do not even know what I want

I know I should have thought about it before he became in turn, shut up

high,

very hot,

Oh, mocha

and fat--free

This joke is often angry people

But let's talk the person with whom you are

How can it be not sexual? How can it be hot enough

You need to be honest with you, as well as I do. And ask yourself this question:

I was 5% of the weight on our first date?

You can be mad at the joke or buy a treadmill. You choose

Do you want this to work

But this girl, she is amazing

It is 20% Native American

And it can track down a deer

I'm not saying that it will use, but that's a bonus

But it is so superior to me appearance and Education

That my inner idiot had a stroke

I can not believe she's talking to us, dude

Here's what I think, what I think

Look at her,

Now look in the mirror

It's you

Do it again, do it again ...

it

you

This charity work that's what she's doing

It works off of drunk driving, that's what's going on

It is amazing

She is gorgeous, I've never met anyone like her

She's younger than me, which is strange

She was 29, and I

no

But I do not think age affects relationships

We swear like all

When I wear the seat belt in her car she is naughty

And I have to: "Say the words, say the words ..."

She hates these things

She is very angry

And then I put it in the corner

She is awesome, she's from a good family, with which I had never encountered

That to me is very strange

She has a very nice family, I've never seen such a

For the first time in my life I agree somewhat with his inner geek

When I met with them, my inner dork is:

They relate to each other with love and respect.

Pull back slowly

This is unreal

That's how it is nice man

We met two times and she says: "You should meet my father"

Am I Tiny?

Have you noticed that I'm an adult

Acquainted with your father? Seriously?

Acquainted with your father? I have earned a reputation in the world

Acquainted with your father? You know what? Here is my summary:

And did you tell your father, that he could meet with me

Then I found out that her father awarded a purple heart

Vietnam veteran

Military Pilot

And I do not

So I have to get to know him I want it or not,

but it would be terrible

I disappear for 24 hours

Then sweep past her house machine of which I was thrown naked and weeping

I met your father

We must give

You still do not want me now

So I agreed to meet with her father, but I do not want this

because he is 65, he still manages aircraft

He udelyvaet young pilots. Yes, he will kill me even with a cloth, it is not in his right mind

In a good way, like the one what you always wanted to be

I did not want to shake his hand. Because as soon as it will compress my my heart will explode

So I invited him to a Mexican restaurant

thought that two white guys at a Mexican restaurant in neutral territory

I was on edge, wildly nervous. I thought that at any moment I:

I fuck your daughter!

And my inner dork: "Now you say something stupid. I can not wait.

"Before you say anything, do me a favor, mokni finger in guacamole, and write her a farewell note.

"This is the last chance to say something to her, you idiot"

Okay, I'm in the order, I am a man, I will go through this

We have chips and guacamole, eat chips and guacamole, we have men's conversation

And I asked about Vietnam

Oh here it is! Finally

This is what he was hoping you did not ask

Now you can ask about prostate exam

It felt so good, until I started talking about Vietnam. He stopped for a half chipsiny

He had chips with guacamole and ...

You want to hear about Nam, right?

I'll tell you about the day I earned a purple heart

The commander tells us that 12 of our environment in the river below

But Charlie proznali that we on the way and sent four turntables low and fast

And in that moment, I did not realize He tells me the story

or is there

I tried not to move and open your eyes as wide as he could

U.S. national anthem

He just eats chips and tells the story

Bullets are flying, grenades exploding, one of the grenades exploded under the helicopter and breaks it in half

I fell 100 feet down

It hurts

Why do not you tell us about yourself

I even have not played Halo

I can tell you this guy?

I had nothing to tell him. But I'm an actor and I did not want to lose face, so I gave the best that could

Have you ever been in a town called ... Santa Monica?

Once decided to ride a skateboard along the pipe, I was on the board, not on the rollers, I'm not a fag

There is about 8 inches, but it's not a problem, if a kid is not spilled Coke earlier this afternoon

And on the floor vertically straddle coca wheel slowed and I was flying. When he fell to the ground, I sprained his wrist

It hurt too

And I knew I was not impressed, because he was polite after

So are you a skateboarder? Can I have a mojito

I knew that this guy thinks I'm a jerk, so I went up to him in the parking lot after lunch and decided on the last shot:

Sir, I want you to know, as long as long as your daughter with me, I'll take care of it

And the hero of the war, went to the car, leaned on the roof and said,

If you do not take care of it

one shot, one kill

After her brother added:

And if you run, you will die in agony

I've never met a girl from a good family

I always meet girls like my mother

All the girls I met, if her family came with me to understand

I only had: "This methamphetamine. Over there!" And they all run away

But this girl ... Her father is a hero of the Vietnam War, the mother's degree in art

her sister is a journalist in New Orleans, her brother

Federal Agent

So if I am angered that family, what you see on CNN:

News CNN. Comedian Christopher Titus who disappeared three months ago, was found today

Parts of his body were found in four states

Federal agents declined to comment

I played in New Mexico, and he came to see the show

After the speech, he came up to me and said:

They will not find

It was strange to me, because I did not meet with anyone 20 years

My ex ... I never cheated on her, never

And I do this for a living. And could the many giggling sluts fuck

But I do not want to be like my father

So I was honest and faithful, And then it happened

So, when I broke up with my ex, I did not know how to talk to women

Because if you're with someone for a long time that it was cool when you meet, cool until you are together

You do not need to get better

I was still a tie with the keys in my closet

We went to the dance ...

I was not in shape for dating, but invited her on a first date

And I have had serious problems with the hand on the first date

Ladies, on the first date is what we do

With one hand, drive a car, and another bend and tighten as much as possible

In case you come across at us and say, "Oh my God, it is like steel"

So it is

On the way to the restaurant we were stuck in Malibu on the track and stuck my hand for an hour and 45 minutes

I got out and looked like I had an aneurysm

She said nothing and I think I have to deal with it

My hand was moving and shoulder rising

Everything was fine until not given account. When given account

I asked her if she wanted to go to my

She said yes and I could not believe it

I know, me too

We drove up to me again, My stagnation lasting twenty years

I hug her, kiss and go back where I was staying, so

I do my piece

My piece of twenty

that, as it turned out, and chip

It was downgraded to a crime

I hug her, kiss on the ear and at such a distance from the ear I do:

Laughter women tells me that I make a blunder

And I kept it for twenty years, because no woman told me that it was a lousy

What is it? Why no woman with whom I met, I did not say that?

Is that I did not better for the next girl or

Or that when she goes dinner with friends, she might say:

Oh, you know what he did

Approached this much and did

It was like a humidifier passed through my cerebral cortex

I live in the eye of the mosquito, so

This infuriates me, and I'll tell you why

As a man,

that speaks to women

all I need is to know what you want and I hate that you did not tell us

That's why sometimes we are failing

So, today, woman, I'll tell you something that men hate in you

And the reason why I say this

because your man wants to tell you this,

but he knows that this will lead to a quarrel

So, the next time this happens, it just come to you and say, "Titus"

We do not understand how you are emotionally

and I do not mean that time of the month, because I hate when people talk about it

I mean the whole month, the months of the beginning of time

Since the time when the first amphibian set foot on the earth from the primeval slime

He came not to develop, he just wanted to understand what the fuck is she says the water

You know what, I'll go upstairs, otraschu light and a couple of hands, because to me, it clearly does not reach

Because I have become a different creature so that I can communicate with you

So it is

You are the most illogical creatures from all that I have met in my life

I am a man, we just

A B C D

All the women I have ever met

ABF () round yellow sky dish machine kitty ...

I have never talked with a man who thought so

Dude, what kind of restaurant you want to go?

I am not my mother!

We are afraid to have dinner with your family

Not the men in your family, because all men have a test for idiocy

It all looks like

Because we can find a common language with any guy

If the guy is and it most idiotic shoes of all that you have ever seen

such Kroksi

and he put on a tie

But you have to deal with this guy during a family dinner and you say:

Dude, what kind of shoes?

If he answers: "These are my favorite shoes"

Moron

But if he says:

Shoes? I will wear them until You will wear your shirt

Brother

This is a test for idiocy

Every man has it and we use it

But we will never become closer with guys we know each other, but we are brothers

Every woman has a family member with whom she is particularly close

Aunt, sister, mother ... And it's good when you're around

but when you leave a room

they threaten our lives

Sometimes it's Grandma and this is the strange version

You just sit there, had a great day, Grandma was a nice all day

and then you go to the toilet, Grandma and turns around and says:

You know, that is not good enough for her

And if you offend her, I'll make you mine specials. soup and you fail in a coma for four days

Then I get in close to your house, will cover your body with sodium hydroxide. When you wake up, your body will decompose

Have you tried apple pie?

And in first place among the things who hate men

Capri

This is the exact opposite of what we like

We appreciate the fact that you want to look good for us

But those who tried to have his Jedi tricks what you decide to wear capris?

Do you like a piece of clothing where your ass will look saggy, shorter legs and feet more

What do you think they show the sexy space below the knee, this is what you think?

There's nothing sexy about that my girl like a Giligana. Thanks

And, guys, if it's in them now, you have the right call it Hakelberi that she took them off

And you supplement this with a slap on a pair of cork soles

You know what men like in a shoe?

We can attach a note on top of them

Beautiful, never put more than this crap!

And if you're a man who wears capris

You have to pull out your wallet "Card this guy" and give it to

And on the way home, I want you to be bought Vagiz tube and allowed her boyfriend to take you home

because you're out in the cold

Ladies, I want to conclude a deal with you

If you stop wearing this miscarriage fashion called Capri

It is. It's pants are not carried full term

It is simply premature pants, that's what it

If you never wear them instead of having to shave above the knee

Do you think we're idiots?

If you never wear them no more, each of us in here man

never will wear little family

I know that you will begin to resent, gentlemen

Ooooh, it's a tradition, my friend!

To me of my father right now

I had a little incident with my girlfriend

I was a big fan of semeek

You may laugh, ladies but you do not know what it is

Pull them out of the dryer and from them comes the smell of freshness and bleach

You sit and add them in small squares, like giant candy

Then bear them into the bedroom,

stowed in a locker perfectly

And closes the locker as if it were Christmas Eve

Because you know, that the next morning go up there and open the locker ...

But

with my new girlfriend, when I left 11nochi in the bathroom, to get into bed

for I had a great couple

small folds,

Thin red and blue strips

I entered the room

And when she saw me in the room blew cold

She looked at me and turned away

And I: "What the hell the problem?"

When you came out of the bathroom in a form

dressed in this

It's like making love with the four mutant

Okay, so here I did:

And this is not the whole chip

I embrace it and that's the end of my chips But in such a distance from the ear I do:

Tell me what you like

I do not know!

I did not know, that sounds like a creepy serial killer, did not know

I did not know what she thought: "I'd better answer this question, and then I will be able to identify only the teeth "

No woman I did not say

That's how smart and funny my girl

Instead of laughing in my face, how are you, ladies made

She turned and said:

What do I like?

I like it when a guy takes his dick

and pokes me in their eyes

And my first thought was: I did not go on a date 20 years

I wanted to get into the Internet and search it in google

And then my inner dork said:

Wait a minute

She laughs at you

In the middle of an intimate, romantic moment of sexual

she decided to pin you

I like this girl!

She told me a lot of things, Much of what I did not know

She told me that women do not want you were trying to look cool

They want you to be much cooler

She told me that

but they do not want you to try to be cooler

Every time I exhibited myself jerk I tried to look cool for this girl

This happened when we were together about a month and a half

This sexy period when only sex and food

One day I decided to place 30 candles in the shape of a heart around the bed

Music plays, a couple of glasses of wine, great food, she is topless

I stand by the bed, and in my opinion look great

because I lost 12 kg during a divorce

Well, so much the soul weighs

And it was one of those moments I felt super cool

Because it is a beautiful girl and she wants me to do. We look at each other's eyes and between us runs electricity

And I think that is so cool looking, I can throw in front of her shirt

My mind plays music from porn

She looks at me with lust and I ...

I tear off his shirt and hit in the fan blades on the ceiling

Oh, it hurts, you idiot

We're bleeding, you idiot

Oh! Look how she laughs, well done

Oh man, that's all for today, my friend

Carcasses candles, get out your hook, because that's all

Oh, she fell out of bed, Look at it

She fell out of bed

While she was choking with laughter, can touch her ass

Yes, it is 100%

In such a stressful time of the sexual

I got his hand under the fan blades

And it was in Shrivporde in Louisiana in August

He did not make

He was at turbo speed

And the next scene

The most romantic of all time, that have been in my life

music plays, wine, two Inflamed Handsome man looking at each other

And the sound that blew

And my first thought, because I'm the guy and it lies in front of me so sexy

My first thought was: "I can make this to work"

Then he changed his mind and felt the pain

But how cool I should be, to get through this situation and turn it

What I really could not do?

You know how I like

Now, open your eyes a little wider

This is not the most terrible story

We now live together. I found my great love, I know it,

because she asked me to do shit which I hate to do and I do it with pleasure

Will you do it? Yeah, baby, cook dinner, car wash, toilet, everything you want. Because I love you, I'm happy and I'm henpecked

One day she asked me to lay a bed

I did, but I did it like a man, I pushed four feet around,

I picked up a stapler

Laid out bed

Because I want to do it, every leap year

And when refuel bed so carefully the result lie in it is unrealistic

She went to bed that night and fell short only to the hips

I can not ... I can not ...

What have you done ... I can not ...

I hugged her so that her head on my shoulder and said:

Easy, baby, I'll get to you

I grabbed a towel and ...

My hand slips and I hit her in the face

I even have nothing to say

I'm sure that's it, my friend

It was incredibly

You're obviously flying a couple of levels

I would like to invite all other internal Nerds

and boast of you

You should wake her up, idiot

Wake up!

While she was unconscious can touch her ass

This is not the most terrible story

Yes, you do not know, because I

This story took place in a very sad day for me

I got out of the yard after thrown in the trash as all their little family

But the good news is that I opened 12 new boxes boxers

And each pair in a separate box, not folded and connected by three

Each box in the photo guy which seriously confuses me

And I take them and throw in a locker I pull out and throw ...

The last pair, I take it out of the box

and wear

She:

You do not want to wash them first?

They will never be as clean

This is a very stylish clothes. It shovchik pile and any crap

This is not to my taste, but she thinks that I look at this sexy

And if that makes me sexy in her eyes, I'll wear anything

even a clown nose and Nazi boots go as you please

I put them on and felt a strange, wrong

Strangely, this is not my

And then when I sit down something is pulling one of my poluzhopy

But she likes it, so I can handle this

I am a man, I'll be a cowboy, I can handle it

It was strange, because this feeling disappeared for a while

I forgot about this for a while and here in the bank ...

-- Sir, are you all right? -- Yes, I'm fine, I'm OK

This continued all day, I could not understand

But I held it for her

In the evening I say to her: "Baby, do me a service, you can see because something is in my way and I do not know what it is "

My girl, not a diplomat

She will laugh at you, laugh and point fingers

If she was in talks with the U.S.

Canada would have dropped the bomb on us

Because it is good in humiliation

She looked up and:

First thing that came to my mind: something in me is drawn

What?

What? Take it from me

She held out her hand, and I turned away, because I did not know what was going to happen

And he heard the sound

She pointed a finger and he was wearing a sticker

On which was written: "Proven № 31"

What's funny, I do not dispute but she could not breathe

She was shaking with laughter

What?

They were

What I love about this girl I found someone who I can laugh

even when we swear, it all ends with laughter

In previous relationships, here is how the story ended:

Who the hell this inspector 31?

And if you are with a man do not look

If you are a person that, when you sit at home after work and hearing her car pulls up, your ass is automatically compressed, because you know what will quarrel

You do not know why, just 6.30--an argument

If you are sitting next to the person and your phone call with some strange numbers, which you do not even know

but know that the next five days, you will spend defensively, do not sleep with a whore of T--mobile

If you sit next to this man right now

I want you to have risen approximately minute and a half, said, "I need the toilet"

Their belongings, thrown in a car and drove away

Leave them a check, furniture, just live your life and be happy, because it will not be a second chance

And, if you sit with the person which will rise one and a half minutes

You will have a chance today

You otvezesh her home, do foot massage, pour her a glass of wine you want to do sex as never before and will make her breakfast in the morning, because it is for that

Now you can see

Because I love Martin Luther King for the evening, people

I want everyone I know to be happy. Because Guess what

I found my van with ice cream

and I feel like an astronaut

because every day with her, it as a day in space

I live in a dream,

because I was living in a nightmare

And you can be happy, I proved it

Because there are three billion women and three billion men. And if you're bi, then there is no justification for the fact that you are not happy