Original subtitles

I am the matriarch of a great American

family taking on the ultimate challenge--

the perfect family meal.

I understand, Mama Clara.

Working in a small takeout franchise

is traditionally a gateway to bigger and better things.

I understand, Mama Clara.

You create synergies.

You solve problems.

I understand, Mama Clara.

But that is what happens when I go to the bathroom,

and leave you in charge of the french fries.

Well, give me another chance.

Give your Uncle Bob another chance.

Bob, you're no uncle, and I'm no mama.

The cute names are company policy, that's all.

Just-- feel good stuff, so they can pay you less.

But we're a family.

Look around! - Oh!

Dad!

Are you OK?

Dad?

We're a family.

This is my real father, Bob.

There's a difference.

Time is drifting.

This rock has got to roll.

So I hit the road and made my getaway.

Restless feeling, we gotta go.

Sorry.

SINGER: I started searching for a better way.

No, no, no!

No! No!

No! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Help!

Help!

Grab onto this rope here.

Pull it.

Hi, people.

Oh, save the fishies. Save the fishies!

Save the fishies! Save the fishes!

Save the--

I'm an astronaut. I'm a ballerina.

I'm an astronaut.

I'm a ballerina.

Shave, shave, shave--

Sorry.

SINGER: New York City took me with the tide.

Ha.

Sorry about that.

Oh.

Huh I'm gonna need a bigger board.

It's not a big deal, Rascal.

We're only on the B's, remember?

We've got all this to go.

OK, so we did burger assistant.

Next up we have--

business consulting.

Butcher?

Hey, listen to this.

Listen.

Cosmopolitan butler school.

Become part of a family in five days.

Rascal we're going butling.

Do you think you're gonna be a lassie?

9: 30?

Good morning, students.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Two lines, please.

Take up.

My name is Butler.

I'm a born butler, in all senses of the phrase.

I come from a long line of butlers.

In only five days, you will each receive

a certificate of competence to wait on any family

on this side of the pond.

For those of you that are interested,

the full English course, lasting for the 17 years,

standards are slightly higher.

So, what does a butler do?

Hm?

Answer-- anything.

He must cook, clean, tend the garden, groom the horses,

write letters, iron shirts, arrange appointments,

greet guests, run barbes, buy groceries, pack cases,

unpack cases, make reservations, cancel reservations, and still

find time to be a confidant.

Understood?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Grooming is crucial to the.

Substantial facial hair is quite unacceptable.

Rabbi, how would you serve soup?

Well, I--

Either it goes, or you go.

Oh.

Butlers must be immaculately dressed.

So what's your excuse, you miserable heap of mess?

This is me tidy.

Not in my book.

Do you possess any offensively tasteless tattoos

perpetrated in a drunken haze?

No.

Any piercings of body parts?

I do have a series of small holes in my tongue

from when I was six.

My cousin, he gave me a black sea urchin thing,

and told me it was a chocolate muffin.

I think they've grown over.

Show me your nipples.

My nipples?

Yes.

Your nipples.

Hm.

Can't blame a man for asking.

Frankly, you look the weird sort.

I'm weird?

Come on.

Come on.

Tess.

Tess.

This elevator has already left.

Sop that!

You're causing a delay.

I have an important meeting.

If it was so important, you would

have left earlier, like I did.

Mother, you're embarrassing us.

Stop.

Stop!

Witch!

What a rude person.

Suck up.

Any news Judith?

Not yet.

OK.

Kate.

- All right, go. - Mr. Dickens called.

Urgent. - Skip.

Next.

Makes the investment conference call urgent.

Safe. Next.

Jacques called about dinner on Monday.

Confirm.

8:00.

It's them.

OK. Put 'em through.

Good luck.

A word or two about money.

Money makes the world go round, doesn't it?

Yes, Mr. Butler.

Balderdash.

Trust, not money-- that's what makes the world go round.

If I haven't been able to produce at least

one trustworthy butler out of this course,

then I've wasted my time.

Ah-- sorry.

Sorry!

As I've made clear, you will be in complete control

of the household.

However, you will be treated by other members of the household

as if you were slightly less significant than a piece

of used toilet paper.

To simulate this, I've devised a rather amusing little exercise.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

I'm getting no pleasure from it whatsoever!

Yeah, right.

Bullseye!

Now look-- open wide for one teeny, weeny little baked bean,

or I'll tell your mom.

But I'll tell her you hit me.

What?

I'll tell her you hit me and pulled my hair.

Leave the food.

Can I watch TV tonight?

I will not be blackmailed by you children.

Mrs. Withington, what happened?

Sorry, Miss Jamieson, but they are the devil's seed.

Oh, no, they're just playing with you.

They're delightful children.

Really.

Underneath all the horrible stuff.

Please.

I promised Jacques I would not let him down again.

Hello?

- Bob the babysitter? - No, ma'am.

This is Bob the Butler.

Now, look, I definitely have this number

down for Bob the babysitter.

Well, that was at least seven jobs back.

But you were a babysitter once?

Well, yes.

Just once.

Oh, please, this is an emergency.

One minute, please.

Rascal-- damsel in distress.

May I have your leave?

Thank you, Master Rascal.

I'd be happy to.

Oh.

My.

Are you Bob?

At your service.

You have a piece of tomato in your hair.

Oh-- Ugh.

Gone.

OK, well, um--

I want you to meet my children.

This is my daughter, Tess.

Miss Tess.

Hello.

lovely name.

My son, Bates.

Mm.

Master-- Bates.

OK.

I have to go, so do me a favor, and do not hurt him.

Bob, please don't sit on any of the nice

chairs unless you have to.

OK.

Goodnight, children.

Goodnight, Mother.

Enjoy your romantic evening out. - Have fun.

Don't forget the back ones, master.

Why do you call me master?

I'm studying to be a butler.

I don't like it.

Master Bates just feels wrong.

Indeed.

How about I call you Bates?

- I like that. - Yeah.

Just Bates.

Nice chair.

Bates?

Are you awake?

When will Mom be back?

You think Bob's a real find?

He let me sleep in my fireman costume.

He's crazy.

I like him more than Mrs. Withington.

Would you like to have him back?

Can we?

Leave it to me.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Ah, the pleasure was all mine.

I'd invite you up, but--

I know.

The children will be up, as usual.

Oh my god!

What-- what's wrong?

The childrens' lights are all out!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

They've been good as gold.

Oh, cut the BS.

What, are they bound and gagged somewhere?

You really should be congratulated, ma'am,

on raising such wondrous progeny.

Can I go now?

Normally they're, uh--

a pain in the derriere.

I think here you say brats.

Oh.

I never say brats.

Well, I don't know what you did, but--

I'm impressed.

Well, Jacques, will you pay Bob for me?

Of course.

I'm, uh-- tipping you very generously here.

I want you to know why.

Tonight, with the kids in bed, all night I get to do

what Frenchmen love to do most.

You're going to look in the mirror for eight hours?

Thanks, Jack.

This morning, those of us that remain

will address the basic skills required for a typical day,

starting with undressing the master.

Now, I shall need a volunteer.

Mr. Tree, please.

Jacket?

Good.

Tie?

Waistcoat?

Or vest, to you.

Shirt?

Aw, come on.

Haven't you got some kind of dummy?

Dear boy, if you intend to be a butler,

you'd better get used to naked old flesh.

Are you sure this isn't a British thing?

I mean, most Americans know how to dress themselves.

On the contrary.

We are here to educate them to do it better.

And to dress for the right occasion.

Whoa!

Yo, I'm outta here.

Well, Bob, you seem to be the last one left.

Mr. Butler, I don't really know if this is necessary.

I mean, I'll give you $100 if you leave the rest on.

150.

1,000.

Please stop there.

Dress me.

Bob? No.

No. - It's OK.

It's OK, Nico.

I don't want to work here.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

And all that screaming.

You took the guy's earlobe off.

Well, not on purpose.

You used to work here?

Of course I used to work here.

Barber comes before butler in the yellow pages.

So, how do you like it?

Neat and tidy.

As the man says.

No beard.

No beard?

Butlers don't have beards.

Butlers wear beards.

- No beard. - A bit of beard.

No beard at all.

Itty bit of beard?

No beard whatever.

Itsy bit of beard?

Nope.

Not even a little, bitty, bitty, weeny bit of beard.

Itty bit of butler beard? Beardless.

Itty bit of butler beard.

No beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Itty bit of butler beard.

Settled.

So-- pretty much as it is.

What do you expect to do, Bob, if this doesn't work out?

I'll probably move on to the C's.

You know, camping guy, carpet cleaner, car washer--

computer hacker.

Extraordinary.

You seem to have such faith in yourself,

where none is justified.

Thanks, Mr. Butler.

Well, well, well.

A gentleman's gentleman.

By George.

Loving breaths of deep--

acceptance.

Ah.

All right, can we speed it up, please?

Here's my needs analysis.

I think it'll save time.

What are you saving time for?

Your family?

But you don't even have time to enjoy your kids.

Or Jacques.

Jack's not family.

There's too much work.

I need more time.

Remember your mantra.

I cannot organize the world.

Blah, blah, blah.

Maybe you could work just as hard,

and find someone who brings the best out of me and Bates?

Tess, that is a very sensible suggestion.

Do you have anyone in mind?

Not really.

Well-- I quite liked the babysitter we had last night.

But Tess said he was freaky.

He's too strict.

He's way too strict.

Definitely not him.

Eh--

Well, it's not your call, children.

- What are we doing? - Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Up you go.

Standing still, Mr. Tree, is highly

prized in butler circles.

Freak.

Just get up.

Tiny people down below.

Good.

I want you to clear your mind, and relax.

Relax?

Are you kidding me?

I'm standing inches from certain death, here.

I'll tell you what-- think of the most

beautiful thing you've seen of the last 48 hours.

Now, come on.

You can do it.

I'm beginning to have faith in you, Bob.

OK.

I've got it.

What is it?

It's a woman.

Can you picture her?

Yes.

Excellent.

Hold that thought.

Hey, kiddo.

How was your day? - OK.

Just OK?

Well, mine was pretty good.

Do you want to hear about it?

Does it have anything with campaign management?

Yes.

No.

It's polite to knock.

It's bedtime, sweetheart.

I haven't finished.

Now, please.

No.

Ah, that's just what I need.

Thank you.

Do you want to hear about my day?

Now?

Your mind is full of work and kids,

work and kids, work and kids.

That leaves little for me.

I am trying to sell my business, Jacques.

For months, mon cheri.

But when?

- I'm thinking of hiring Bob. - The babysitter?

The butler.

Are you sure you want to live with you?

I'm joking.

No, he'll live in the attic.

We'll have a babysitter whenever we want.

Perfect.

Can you hurry up in there?

You've been in there for hours?

MAN: Almost finished.

He'll tidy all this up?

Yeah.

Bates, stop that.

It's a toilet bidet.

What's a toilet bidet?

It's like a fountain for your a--

Ask me later.

Jack says he's here.

The butler!

Now, then, Robert--

Actually, my name's Bob.

Oh, well, Bob is short for Robert.

Isn't Rob short for Robert?

Yes.

So, then Bob would be short for Bobert.

Your name is Bobert?

No.

Just Bob.

OK, then.

As long as we're satisfied with first names, can we continue?

Of course.

Though I don't know your name.

Is it all right if I call you Mistress Jamieson?

Oh No.

That sounds rather sordid, doesn't it?

Perhaps you could just call me Anne?

Anne?

Just Anne.

Anne.

Yes.

Anne.

Bien.

Anne.

Mr. Tree, how many children do you have?

Well, I don't have any children.

But you said in the flier that you would take care

of the children like your own.

Yeah, if I had some.

But you did just recently attend the,

uh, Cosmopolitan Butler School?

It's all tidy.

Ah, how much do I owe you?

What did he say?

Uh, he said he'll drop the bill off next week.

Um-- Jacques got me a wonderful present.

A state of the art toilet.

A toilet?

What a nice gift.

My goodness, Bob.

I had no idea that you were fluent in Japanese.

I worked in the Asian market.

Well, that's impressive.

You sold stock?

Stocks, vegetables, some strangely shaped fruits.

Horseshoe shaped fruits.

Bob, I would like to go over a few specifics.

I color categorize my sponges.

Hm?

Blue for bathroom, yellow for kitchen,

purple for general, green for the outdoors-- car included.

Please don't confuse them.

Fine.

- No strange women in the house. - Fine.

- No drugs. - Fine.

No pets.

You allergic?

They're unhygenic.

Fine.

So, what do you think?

Well, he is very strange.

I don't understand this, uh, Rob--

Bob-- Bobert business.

Well, I suppose we could always

interview other candidates.

There are other candidate?

No.

I hired an assistant once.

She seemed perfect, she worked hard, she

did everything I told her to.

One lunchtime, I saw her in the gym.

She had a shower, and then she changed right back

into her workout bra.

I'm lost.

I fired her on the spot, of course.

You fired her because of her sweaty bra?

Do you think Bobert wears a bra?

Oh, who knows?

But if it doesn't work out, I'll change him.

OK.

Bates!

Sorry, Mom.

I think you'll find that it has everything you need.

I'm sure it's not up to your professional standards.

Well, it's-- white.

Yeah.

Uh-- oh--

I'm sorry it is such a mess.

I can, indeed, organize the world.

Here, Rascal.

Home.

We are robot.

We are monster robot.

I am robot man.

Get out of my way.

I am computer man.

Aren't you a little old to play with toys?

Well, I don't usually play with them, but--

I got these when I was about your age, and--

I figured I'd give them to my own son one day.

Do you think he'd want them?

The children are in bed, ma'am.

Thank you, Bob.

Music to my ears.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

No, thank you.

I'll see you in the morning.

I hope you don't mind, but, um--

I couldn't find any towels for your bathroom.

No.

I don't use them.

OK, then.

They breed germs.

I have a body dryer.

A body dryer?

Yes.

Like a hair dryer?

Bigger.

Much more hygienic.

Did I mention the sponge system?

Blue for the bathroom--

Purple, yellow, green.

Oh.

Well, goodnight, then.

Goodnight.

What's that smell?

Cooking.

Real food?

Yeah.

I guess Bob made us breakfast.

Where did you get that blouse?

It's an old one.

Yeah, like, really old.

Like, five years too old.

It's way too small for you.

- It is not. - Is.

Is not.

Let's have Bob decide.

Bob?

Is not.

Is.

Yes, ma'am?

Tess' blouse-- indecently small, or acceptable fashion?

Sorry, Miss Tess.

That's a lot of pancakes.

It's more cost effective to prepare in bulk.

They teach you that bulk stuff at butler school?

Actually, at the finest--

the finest cooking school in the world.

The Cordon Bleu.

The US Army.

The army?

Cool.

Would you like some pancakes, Miss Tess?

Sure.

Make me put on 50 pounds.

That'll make me popular.

Getting grounded for being rude

will definitely make you popular.

Miss Tess?

I want to prepare a special dinner tonight.

Sort of an introduction.

What does your mother like?

She likes anything she can eat quickly,

so she can get back to work.

You know what would be good?

A luau.

She loves the whole Hawaiian thing.

A luau, huh?

BATES: Pork?

OK.

I'll look into that.

I knew a guy once--

He was kind of a nervous fellow.

Used to bite his nails.

One day he was so upset, he ate his whole hand.

He did not.

By the time we pulled him off, he'd chewed

all the way up to the elbows.

That is stupid.

That fella has to wear a muzzle now.

A muzzle!

All because he couldn't talk about his problems.

I don't know about that outfit, Miss Tess.

Are you getting out?

Mm-mm.

I've got basketball today.

That's great.

I love basketball.

You're not under four foot.

Hey.

Hi.

Guess what?

You joined the Britney Spears fan club?

My mom hired a butler.

He looks like he's from Transylvania.

He's not the only one.

They remind me of the Addams family.

Sad, sad, sad.

Freaks.

Nice melons.

Thank you.

Thanks.

- You. - Please pick me.

You.

You.

You.

Please pick me.

You.

You.

You.

[beep]

[rock music]

Ah!

[beeping]

Woo!

[clattering]

[clattering]

Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa!

Ah--

Yeah.

Ah-- Uh--

Hm.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

How you doing?

Good.

Where's your sister?

I don't know.

Her cool friends are very sensitive.

She have a lot of friends?

Compared to me, or to normal people?

Tess said she'd rather die than be collected by a man who

looks like a penguin.

I only take random insults from immediate friends

and family.

I'm Tess' best friend.

Good enough.

Where is she?

Waiting for you to leave, or for cover of nightfall.

Thank you.

Miss Tess?

Tess Jamieson?

Your butler is here, and waiting.

Hurry up, or I'll throw out your favorite Barney video,

and your stash of letters to one J. Timberlake.

So, how did basketball go?

I stunk.

What did you expect?

I don't know.

What did you expect?

Well, I thought I'd be lousy.

Well, then, it all worked out the way you thought.

Miss Tess, how was your day?

Do you gamble?

What do you got in mind?

I bet you'll be fired within a week.

What odds are you offering?

Doesn't anyone want to sit up front with the luau dinner?

Dinner is served.

TESS: This is so perfect.

You think she'll like it?

She'll be breathless.

It's a napkin, moron.

Why the hurry?

He made us all dinner.

The least that we can do is show him a little gratitude.

Ah-- oh my good god.

A luau?

Mm.

Whose idea was this?

The butler.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi,

five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi,

nine Mississippi, 10 Mississ--

Rich.

Full bodied.

Hm-- I smell a hint of mushroom?

Shitake?

Portobello.

Burgundy region.

I will take you there one day.

Can I come to "Rodungi?"

Oh, Bates, sweet--

but it's not for les enfantes.

I think it will be a trip just for your mother and me.

Jacques is joking.

Of course we can all go together.

The children would love it.

Ah, the children?

Of course.

Can we go, Mom?

Just the three of us?

Madam.

Lua-- ah-- the custom is to prepare the food

in an emu, or underground oven.

Sounds-- wonderful.

Doesn't it, children?

Gross.

It is normally served with a mashed taro root, or poi.

Gah!

Plug it!

Plug it up!

Ah!

Whoa!

Ah!

Hot piggy.

Hot piggy.

Oh, lord!

Stay with me!

Stay with me!

I cannot organize the world. I cannot the world.

I cannot

I think you'll find that I've just won the bet.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Here, let me help you.

Imbecile!

But no, you do not want to.

I just wanted to make a nice dinner.

Sort of a thank you.

Well, maybe if I talk to Mom?

Would that help?

Naw.

I'm a screw up.

I've done this before.

You blew up another pig?

Bedtime, Bates.

Good luck.

Can you give me one good reason why

I shouldn't fire you right now?

Yes.

OK.

I'm listening.

Can I have till tomorrow morning?

This is a complete disaster area.

My pristine dining room is covered in pig shrapnel!

I'll clean it up.

You'd better.

Every-- shred.

Oh.

And Bob?

I think it's best if you never, ever, ever cook anything again.

Yes, ma'am.

Thought you should know--

Closed door.

Big hint.

I'm staying.

I thought service were meant to be seen, and not heard?

Hey, these are great.

Hey!

Give me that.

It's private.

Don't get your knickers in a knot.

Watch. Watch.

Watch.

Watch.

Watch.

OK.

SINGER: Take your time today.

There's no hurry, you can wait a while.

If only for a smile.

I'll get this!

Whoa!

Oh--

All right!

There you go.

Oh!

Geez.

Ah!

Sorry.

Hm?

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

I'm watching.

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

I'm in a tree.

Miss Tess.

There you go.

Bates, there you are.

Bates!

Nice hat.

Five in a row.

Wanna shoot some balls with me?

Sure.

What's that?

What?

Have you got a remote controlled ball?

Rascal?

Who's Rascal?

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Rascal!

BATES: Bob!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Bob!

Bob!

Rascal!

Rascal!

Poor thing.

Someone's been a very naughty butler.

Rascal.

Rascal.

He licked the jar right out of Newton's hand,

sliming his palm with a streak of black gob.

Perhaps the most disgusting thing

Newton had experienced since the time

he mistakenly ate a maggot.

Hi, guys.

How was your day?

Anything interesting happen?

The usual.

Ah.

Why aren't you our dad?

Just didn't happen yet.

Bob?

Bob?

Too loud?

Uh, no.

No, just, uh-- just, it's really--

really horrible.

I love the trumpet.

Then you should practice.

Yeah.

Um-- Bob, you must think I'm a really horrible mother.

No.

Well, it wasn't an easy decision.

Sure.

It's not like time was exactly on my side, so I--

thought I'd do it on--

Hey.

You're-- you're blessed.

Sorry.

I, uh-- spoke out of turn.

Zip.

That's all right.

Thank you.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

What's capital management?

Bye!

Thanks for the lift!

See you later.

Bye bye.

Hello, Judith.

I'll be about an hour, or so.

It can wait.

Yeah.

I'll be on my cell phone if you need me.

OK.

Bye.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh-- Well, I can't come to a meeting with stains

on my blouse, now, can I?

I'm back, Bob.

I'm just going to take a quick bath.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

I'll be over at 10, they tell me time and again.

I can't wait.

Why do you build me up, buttercup, baby, just to--

Can I get you some towels, ma'am?

Uh-huh!

Don't get that flipping burgers.

And then I deep right, cut left, and slam dunked.

Who traded in my geek brother for a jock geek brother?

Hey.

Where are you all going on a Sunday?

- Basketball tryouts. - Well, I'll drive you.

Let me get my purse.

I wanna go with Bob.

OK.

Uh-- what about you, Tess?

I arranged to meet Sophie.

Don't you have work to do?

Nope.

Amazingly.

All right, well--

I'll see you later.

Oui?

Hello?

Anne?

What's wrong?

I've got the whole day free, and I'm lonely!

Ah-- it's so nice to do something for myself

for a change.

We'll go out and find a nice, quiet place.

Oh, this is lovely.

This is nice.

Now, this is relaxing.

This-- Take me home.

What?

I-- I can't be here without them.

I-- I just can't enjoy myself without the kids.

I mean, you know, I just can't. - Let's go.

OK, Jacques, I have children.

I love them.

They're not just going to disappear.

You would prefer that I disappear?

Examine the situation.

One, you are a single woman.

Very beautiful, true, but very, very anal.

Anal.

I'm anal.

Two-- your children, they are not beautiful.

Just annoying.

Three-- if I go--

I'll take three.

You go.

Now.

Take a cab.

Anne, you are a single woman of a certain age.

You will not find another man.

Statistically, you have a better chance of being hit by a truck.

One driven by Bob.

So?

So, what?

How'd it go?

The tryouts.

There was no tryouts.

The coach had already decided who was on the team.

What?

That's not fair.

Wait here.

You're not going to embarrass me?

You bet I am.

Hey!

You the coach?

Who's asking?

The name's Tree.

Bob?

Bob the mascot?

Jerry?

Yeah!

Yeah.

What happened to the Bismarck Barbarians?

Ah-- I left not long after the owner fired you.

He was a real a-hole.

I know.

I know.

I've still got your helmet, though.

You want to see it?

You bet.

It's about Bates.

Bates Jamieson.

Pull up a chair.

Put it on.

OK.

Yeah.

Still fits like a glove.

A really-- weird glove.

It took them two hours to remove that from his buttocks.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have left it on his chair.

So, what about the Jamieson kid?

He wants to try out for the team.

He's kinda small.

Why is it impossible to say no to you?

All right.

Yeah!

All right.

Go ahead.

BOB: Come on, Bates.

He's a little nervous.

Put one in the net there, Bates!

Put one in the net, there.

How you doing?

The coach hates me.

Forget about him, OK?

It's just you and me.

Just like at home.

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

Come on!

Like we practiced.

Come on.

Hey! You're too--

Oh, you got. You got it.

Take it around me. Take it around me.

Take it around me. Take it around me.

Take it around me. Take it around me.

Take it around me.

Take it around me. Put it in.

Put it in the net.

Come on.

No fancy stuff.

Put it in the net.

Yeah!

All right!

I got one!

Two points.

Two points.

Hey, Tess.

Been shopping?

What is that, a wristband?

Pair of socks?

Mom!

Is it a bib?

Hey.

How were the tryouts?

Great!

Good.

I've made salmon skewers. - Salmon?

I'll tell Tess.

What?

BOB: Hey, Tess?

Don't come in.

Your mother made a barbecue.

I'll be down in five.

Would you like to join us, Bob?

Please.

We'd like you to.

Thank you.

Real nice of you to have made these salmon skewers, isn't it,

kids?

And a green salad.

Yeah.

That was delicious.

Well, I should have made hot dogs.

No, no.

It was really good.

Oh.

You missed a spot.

Where?

Right there.

You know, Tess has drawn some amazing dress designs.

You should see her schoolbooks.

Schoolbooks?

Yeah, she draws in her schoolbooks.

TESS: You're such a liar!

You're such a stupid liar! - Tess!

It's not true!

I hate you, Bob!

Tess!

Tess?

I guess that's what it's like having family, Rascal.

Ups and downs.

Just a second.

Come in.

Hi.

I've spoken to Tess.

And she's shown me your drawings.

You're right.

They're amazing.

So, thank you for that.

Is something wrong?

Don't take this the wrong way, Bob.

You're the butler.

You're not her father.

I understand completely.

Thanks.

Goodnight, then.

Goodnight.

Why are we eating in here?

More coffee, ma'am?

- Oh, I'll get it. - Please, ma'am.

Leave it to me.

It's cool.

A new skirt?

Yeah.

Like it.

No.

It's like theirs.

That's the point, stupid.

So, you coming to watch me get my nose pierced?

Not on this planet.

Tomorrow after school, OK?

Bye.

You're hanging with the clone Barbies now?

Maybe when I'm in tighter I'll put in a good word for you,

and you can hang with?

I liked you because I thought you were an individual.

Like me.

Now you're just more like pathetic.

Stop!

Excuse me.

Kate, is the fruit washed?

Judith, did you wash the fruit?

It's pre-washed.

Pre-washed? Pre-washed?

Pre-washed.

I do not want to lose this deal because one

of my investors has the runs.

The runs?

Done.

Done.

Done.

Rodent!

Rodent!

Huge rodent!

Where is he?

Oh!

Huge!

Rat! Rat!

Rascal, don't do this to me.

Furry thing on the table!

He's on the table!

Hold it!

What are you doing, Bob?

Don't move.

What are you doing, Bob?

Rascal.

Oh, jeez.

I guess this is urgent?

Of course it's urgent.

Stay calm, Anne.

Do not explode.

Too late.

I've already exploded.

I've dumped Jacques, and I've kicked out the hamster.

What hamster?

Oh, keep up. Bob's taken over.

He spends more time with my kids than--

Than you do?

Than butling.

It's exasperating.

Have you fired him?

I told him the hamster has to leave immediately,

and I want this whole house disinfected from top to bottom.

Ah.

Sounds like someone has a crush.

Huh?

I'm paying you for this?

I'm not paying you for this.

Don't you dare bill me for this call!

Ridiculous!

Oh, Rascal.

Who let you out?

You know what, Tess?

That was out of order.

If I was your father, you would be in so much trouble.

You dig?

It wasn't me.

Yeah, whatever.

Whatever.

Bates?

Was it you?

Aw, Bates, why?

Come on.

Talk to me, buddy.

I didn't make the team.

You didn't?

OK.

That's a shame.

I didn't make the team!

You said I would!

Well, I never said that.

I said I would help.

I said I would try.

Well, I wasn't good enough.

Not being good enough is--

life.

But you'll find you're good at something.

Everybody's good at something.

Oh.

What are you good at?

I can catch grapes my mouth.

Mom?

I put Rascal in your room.

I didn't make the team.

OK.

It doesn't matter, though.

I'll find something to be good at.

Hello, Mr. Butler? Bob here.

You'll look after him?

Of course.

Can I make you a cup of tea?

Ah.

We have a regular little butler.

What's your name, master?

It's Bates.

Just Bates.

Hm.

You're gonna be just fine.

It's, like, an initiation thing.

I'll start you a room.

How's everything going?

It's fine.

Thanks.

Let's go.

You got the stuff?

No problem.

Security!

Let me go!

You guys lied!

Purple.

Purple for general.

What?

Purple for general, yellow for kitchen, blue for bathroom.

Purple for general.

Right.

Hello?

Hey, Bob!

It's for you. - Hello.

Jamieson family butler speaking.

I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Will you be OK with Mr. Butler for a while?

Sure.

Come on, Bates.

When we're finished here, I'll teach you how to publish

silver by spitting on it.

Cool!

Yeah.

Hey!

I'm looking for Tess Jamieson.

Tough love.

We give kids a dose of reality, scare 'em

straight before it's too late.

This one's not like that.

Oh, so you're one of those "always looking for the best

in people" guys, huh?

Don't worry about it.

This'll be our little secret.

Bob, I'm sorry--

about everything.

I lied-- about the luau.

Our mom's practically a vegetarian.

I guess she is now.

Come on.

Let's go.

Oh my god.

Bates!

I'm standing still, Mom.

I can be a butler.

Good evening, Miss Jamieson.

Tess, where have you been?

I got hung up at Sophie's.

Bob came and got me.

In that?

Both of you inside, now!

Bob, I have known for quite some time

that you're not the world's greatest butler,

but you at least seem to care for my kids.

What kind of a man leaves an eight-year-old

with a total stranger?

Stranger?

What am I saying?

A psycho, who thinks that standing on the roof of a house

is good training?

I'm sorry, Anne.

Miss Jamieson.

I'm truly sorry, Miss Jamieson.

I have to let you go, Bob.

I'll pay you to the end of the month, but--

I want you to leave in the morning.

Let's not get ourselves down, Rascal.

You keep going.

And I'll keep going.

To the end of ATBJ Capital Management.

Finally!

Mm.

OK.

I don't feel like celebrating.

Ah.

Why aren't you in school?

Lunch.

What are you doing?

Lunch.

Welcome to my home.

Nice.

My natural state is messy.

I'm sorry you got fired.

I just wanted the cool kids to like me.

You know, when I was a kid, I used

to like building model cars.

But there was always one piece, I could never figure out

where it was supposed to go.

I always felt like that piece.

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out where I fit,

so when you figure it out--

well, that's good.

So you're saying it's good to shoplift

if it helps you fit in?

I worked for a New York designer once.

You?

Yeah.

I was just sewing, but it was better

than a lot of jobs I've done.

Here.

Severance pay from the sweat shop.

Bob?

Can you teach me how to sew?

Sorry for skipping out on you.

Yeah.

We were, like, so cowardly.

This is ace.

Did you steal it?

I made it.

Shut up.

I want one.

Me too.

Then wouldn't she be wearing the same top?

Yeah.

Like a club.

Hey, Soph.

Ah!

I had the best day.

Great.

He followed me.

I want to be good at something.

Well of course you do.

You ever seen one of these before?

Check, check, check, check.

Check, check. Check, check.

Does it look all right?

Wicked.

I hope you're ready.

Oh, god.

It's showtime.

Thank you for coming, ladies and--

just lady.

I am pleased to present original creations by Tess.

In a stunning outfit of skirt and top, retro chick.

That's our Sophie.

Chic, not chick.

Whatever.

And next up, the twins of evil.

Oh!

And finally, the heroine of the hour, the one and only Miss

Tess!

Miss Jamieson.

Yeah, I was just in the neighborhood.

I wasn't, obviously.

I came to see you.

Come on in.

Here we are.

She's very talented.

You've been so good with them.

But I know the truth.

I just helped her make a few dresses.

You got my little girl out of jail.

I got a phone call this morning from a Detective Alvarez.

He said that he wished that half the fathers that he met

were as loyal and determined as you.

Don't be too hard on her.

I think you know me better than that.

I do.

So, what's next for you?

Well, I've got a job.

One of those butler cruises.

Around the world in 365 days.

Well, uh-- that's good for you.

When do you leave?

First thing Saturday.

Oh, um-- well, these are for tomorrow.

Oh, wow.

I love the trumpet.

Yeah.

Jacques and I were supposed to go,

but I thought maybe you had someone special.

No.

Well, I guess we, um--

we each could take one.

Sure.

OK, then.

OK.

OK, well, I'll see you there, then.

8:00 tomorrow.

OK.

It's not a date.

It's a date.

It is not.

Is.

It's not a date.

A date?

Ha.

We're just two people.

Two individual people who happen to be going to the same place

at the same time.

All I did was give Bob my extra ticket.

It's so a date.

Who's going on a date?

Mom.

With Bob.

Awesome!

Hello?

JACQUES: What are you doing at this moment?

Ew.

I'm taking care of my family.

I'm a single woman of a certain age, remember?

Ah, tonight we have those, uh, tickets to the concert.

Bye, Jacques.

You will not use them.

You would not go alone.

Are you-- going alone?

Are you jealous, my little Jacques?

Oh, easy.

"Roberre."

Roberre?

Boberre?

Bob?

It's just a night out with a beautiful woman,

who's stolen my heart.

I've got a doorbell, you know?

We're here to help.

Let's see what you've got.

Could you have knocked a little more, maybe?

Ugly.

Ew.

No.

Tragic.

Ew.

Gross.

No.

What's wrong with this?

I'm kind of bored of suits, you know?

It's perfect.

What time is the concert?

Doesn't take me long to get ready.

Maybe it should.

Oh, hello, sir.

Can I help you?

This is the Cosmopolitan Butler School?

It is no more.

It is closing?

I'm afraid so.

Not enough filthy lucre to keep it alive.

So, you trained the great Bob?

What about Bob?

Five day course.

You're not a professional!

Just a sad British man with his sad little tradition.

So, now we have Bob the liar, too.

If I may say so, sir, Bob Tree is a finer man than most.

And it has been an honor to know him.

Oh, boo.

Wow.

Mom, is that you?

I'll take that as a compliment, I think.

Now, don't stay up too late.

You're sure it's not too much?

You're a hottie.

That's a good thing, right?

It's not too risque?

If you've got it, flaunt it.

That's what I always say.

You'd better not say that.

Goodnight.

You're early.

Yes, I am.

You look-- radiant.

You said it yourself.

I have a very talented daughter.

- Yeah, I couldn't believe it. - Whoa.

Ticket please, sir.

Oh, my-- my ticket, it's in there.

Bob has it.

Bob who?

Uh, Bob has my ticket. Bob.

Bob. Bob.

Oh--

Forget it.

Oh, come on.

It's like a dream, isn't it?

You want to go backstage?

I don't think we're allowed.

All right, we'll go backstage.

Bob?

Yeah!

Hi, Bob.

- How you doing? - Bob?

Bob!

Mama Clara.

She fired me.

Are you sure we can do this?

Bob, is that you?

Vince.

How you doing? - Good.

How are you?

Good to see ya.

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

Anne Jamieson. - Charmed.

The pleasure is mine.

You know, a few of us are going out for something to eat.

Would you and your date like to, uh, go with us?

She's not a date.

Uh, we'd love to.

Fantastic.

I-- I saw them go back there.

Who?

Oh, uh, Bob.

Bob.

Are-- are you deaf?

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Whoa.

You seem like you know everyone in the whole city.

Yeah.

Well, I've been fired a lot.

It was a wonderful evening.

Oh, Anne, your dress.

Your dress.

Oh-- your dress. - Ah--

Oh, jeez.

Did you and Tess plan this?

Yeah.

I-- I did teach her to sew.

Yeah?

Bob!

But not for long.

If I weren't a gentleman, I would kill you right now.

Oh, Jacques, this isn't any of your business.

It is my business.

Put some clothes on.

Don't you tell me what to do.

I'll-- run around stark naked, if I want to.

Anne, you have been fooled.

He is not a proper butler.

Maybe I should just go.

Oh, you think you can just sneak away?

After what you did?

You cannot take advantage of a middle aged woman!

I am not middle aged!

Am I?

You're beautiful.

And I'm going to hire Bob.

To do what?

He trained for five days.

Five!

Cinc!

You were going to hire me?

Well, you really care for my children, and they adore you.

Anne!

This situation is intolerable!

No, this situation is fine.

You are intolerable.

Ah.

So, finni?

Over!

Au revoir.

Good riddance!

Talk to my hand!

So, would you--

come back to work?

The children miss you, and--

well, we all miss you.

I can't.

I don't understand?

It wouldn't be appropriate.

Are you going after him?

He's leaving first thing in the morning.

Get up, Mom.

Tess, what are you doing?

Why did you work this hard, Mom?

You're all alone.

Mom, he's part of our family.

Stay here.

Go, Mom!

BATES: Go, Mom!

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

Go, Mom!

What happened?

That happened.

That's the butler cruise.

You mean--

Bob left?

What a mess!

A real mess.

It's a real mess.

Maybe he'll come back?

Get tidy, Anne.

Tidy.

I'm sorry, kids.

We lost Bob, and it's all my fault.

But I want to thank you both.

I love you so much.

Both of you.

Please don't look at me like that.

Huh.

They say that kids bounce back, but--

Bob!

Bob!

Hi.

What about the butler cruise?

I couldn't leave.

Thought I'd stay.

Car washing?

Well, it's early on in the C's.

TESS: We love you, Mom!

Hey!

SINGER: This is a song about my desire to find work.

My desire to find a family.

For the food we are about to receive, and for my new dad,

Bob, we thank you, God.

Amen.

Amen.

Oh, honey-- why don't I carve?

Ahem.

That's a gentleman's job, ma'am.

SINGER: Check it.

Not again!

No!

Dinner is served.