Original subtitles

♪♪

Listen up!

Your usual driver's ed teacher

is at the courthouse fighting for his driver's license

due to the fallout from the holiday party.

In his defense,the greatest driver in the world

couldn't have outrun the cops in his condition.

These are your learner's permits.

Before you get them, I need to know

who will be supervising your behind-the-wheel hours.

Steve?

My dad -- Stan.

Ah, yes, dads are great.

Mine was an alcoholic. But the fun kind.

So don't go gettin' all sad on me, Smith.

Next.

Toshi, I'm skipping over you

because you refuse to learn English.

Barry?

My father's name is Dad!

Sounds like a great driver.

And, Snot, who's teaching you?

My dad's no longer with us.

No problem, you got a hot mom --I mean mom.

Redundant much, Brian?

[ Chuckles ] Hot mom.

Your daddy's dead.

You're a freeeak.

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪♪

Aww, Schmuley, why you got your head in a poof?

Well, I was in driver's ed today,

and all the other kidsare getting their dadsto teach them,

and it just reminded methat I don't have a dad --

Driver's ed?! No sir!

Get driving outta your head.

It is too dangerous!

There's the fumes, the tires,

all the people flippin' the bird!

If Dad was here, he'd teach me.

I knew his death wouldaffect my life eventually!

Thanks again for taking me driving, Mr. Tuttle.

And thank you for interrupting me

from cold callingpeople in the phone book

for human interaction.

Okay, first, you're gonna wannafasten your seatbelt.

[ Seatbelt clicks ]

Check your mirrors.

Grip the steering wheel at 10:00 and 2:00.

And now drive to the hospital.I'm having a heart attack.

What?! To the hospital.

I know my body, and itis attacking my heart.

But I don't know how --Just drive!

[ Engine revs, tires screech ]

I'm going backwards!

That's called reverse.

If I survive,I'll teach you forwards.

Whoa-a-a-a-a...

Boom, bitch.

Don't say "boom bitch"to your father.

It's my learner's permit.

Whaddya say? Will you take me driving?

Uh, I'd love to, but something came up.

And what came up is-z-z-z-z-z...

...z-z-z-z-z-z-z...

...a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a......z-z-z-z-z-z-z...

[ Engine starts ]

[ Tires screech ]

Haaaayles?

Sorry, Steve. I'm working special detail for Sub Hub.

Driving a truckload of salami down to Florida.

'Sgotta get there or some shit.

But that's perfect.I can drive when you get tired.

[ Sighs ] Alright, you can come.

But no bathroom breaks.

You'll pee in a 2007 X Games souvenir cup

like the rest of us.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Groans ]

It's family only beyond here.

Is this man your father?

No, he's not.

Man: But I am!

[ Gasps ]

A man... who knew your father.

You knew my dad?Dick Keebler.

Good to meetcha, good to meetcha.

Sorry 'bout my sweaty-ass hand.

I got hyperhidrosis.

Feels normal to me --

I also got hyperglycemia, hypertension,

and I'm a hypochondriac.

Doctor says that's the one that's gonna get me.

Pff. Hey, you think I could dig up an MRI

in this joint without talking to anyone?

I don't think so.

Were you gonna talk about my dad?

Pff. I was his co-pilot.

My dad was a pilot?

Nah. On the demolition derby circuit.

Cars. Ever heard of 'em? Pff.

C'mon, I'll tell you about your dad.

Fun fact -- We were blood brothers.

I gave him hepatitis.

His eyes were the color of mustard.

Roger: Lanceton Raceway Park.

Home to the demolition derby and the weekly swap meet.

No matter the year, it's always the '70s there.

Your dad, Lonny, drove the Red Rammer.

Damn car was unstoppable.

Pssh. Famous too.

It was in the movie "Mother, Jugs & Speed."

Snot:I...haven't seen that.

It was the car that ran that bus full of nuns off the road.

[ Laughs ] Betcha remember that scene.

No, I -- I haven't seen it --

Good stuff, you remember.

Mr. Keebler, I'm sorry,

but this guy you're describing

doesn't sound likethe dad Inever knew.

Pssh. The way I saw you haulin' ass in reverse, derby style?

You're Lonny's kid, alright.

Pff. Derby's in your blood.

Derby racing. In myblood.

Surprised you don't know about him.

Didn't he leave you the Red Rammer when he croaked?

All I've got of my dad'sis a huge shoe

I found in the garagethat I thinkwas his.

I wear it around the house sometimes

and pretend I haveone really big foot.

It's lame, I know.

Nah, that's normal.

I wear my dead mom's heels around the house

and pretend I have a big ol' vagina.

Pff.Was my dad any good?

The best.

He was always slammin' into everybody.

That sounds bad.

Nah, that's how you win.

Destroy the other cars.

I was your dad's spotter --

his eyes and ears out there.

[ Glass shatters ]

Car!

[ Glass shatters ]

Car!

[ Glass shatters ]

Car!

[ Thud ]

Holy crap! There she is!

Can we just stay focused on my dad?

Right, right. We never lost.

But Ilost...

Lost controlof my blood sugar...

♪♪

Roger: Your dad put his foot on the dash

to do his signature move,

the Skidrokyo Drift.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Bang ]

♪♪

And my blood sugar was tanking.

Did I mention I'm also diabetic?

Seven doctors said it's all in my head.

Pff. I didn't even know there was brain diabetes.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Muffled shouting ]

[ Bang, glass shatters ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Lonny injured his neck so bad,

he couldn't turn his head to the right to drive in reverse.

Snot: So he had to quit.Nope.

Went to England to race.

Steering wheels are on the otherside over there. Pff.

So that's why he left us.[ MRI beeping ]

Mr. Keebler, I'd liketo know more about my dad.

Pff.

Is "Pff" a bad thing?

[ Whirs ]It can be.

That was a good one, though.

I'm gonna do more than tell you about your dad,

I'm gonna teach you to be like him.

Teach you how to derby.

This is gonna be so cool!

I'll bring Dad's big shoe!

Pff. That was a bad "Pff."

Shoe stays at home. Pff.

That one means I'm thirsty.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Radio crackles ]This is Headband Dynamite,

I'm sittin' bumpy at a cardboard red Popsicle, over.

Man: [ Through CB radio ] That is a big 10-4, Headband!

Pavement Pouncer here, over!

Whoa, this works?

I was just goofin'!

Hayley?!

It says that the salamiwe're transporting

is highly explosive!

Well, the chemicals in the preservatives

are pretty volatile.

And all that salami's loose back there,

just slices floppin' around.

Super illegal.

But if you think about it,

aren't we all just loose slices floppin' around?

Uh...take 193 South.

Nope. Gotta do all back roads.

Can't risk getting pulled over.

Plus, we get to hit up some rural strip clubs.

Those backwoods beauties have

bushes that'll knock your teeth out.

[ Horn blares ]

[ Tires hiss ]

♪♪

Schmuley, you're back!

I was so worried about you.

Worried I'd find out Dad was a derby driver?

[ Gasps ] Keebla.

That's right, it wasKeebler!

And I'm finally hearing stories about Dad!

Which I never get from you!

I don't want you hanging outwith that Keebla.

I'm doing more than hanging out with him.

I'm learning to drive from him.

[ Car horn plays "La Cucaracha" in distance ]

I think we can all guess whose horn thatis.

[ Door opens, slams ]

[ Horn continues ]

Welcome to my Miata.

This is James. James, Snot.

I'm driving for Uber Two-Seater.

And before you say that's not a thing, it's not.

Way to go, James, you blew it.

Kid saw right through you. Just get out.

See you tomorrow, James![ Engine starts ]

I know it's not a great first impression,

but what do you think of James?

So this is Raceway Park.

Where my dad used to derby.

Yep. And he used to do his derbyin'

with the Derby Donkeys.

Hey, Donkeys, this here's Lonny Lonstein's poo stain.

[ Sniffs ]

Well, I'll be, stinks just like Lonny!

Just like Lonny.

Got Lonny's ugly smile too!

Ugly smile too.

'Course, Lonny didn'trepeat everything

like some damn trick bird.

Let's get away from this guy.

So, kid, if I'm gonna train ya, we're gonna need a car.

You really don't know

what happened to the Red Rammer, huh?

No idea.

Wh-What's happening?I thought we were gonna train.

Soon, soon.Need a little sex first.

Hold my clotheslike your daddy used to.

I won't make it10 feet in this garage

before I'm deep-doggin' a derby daisy.

Snot: [ Muffled ] Whoa. Big hat.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Grunting ]

Good. You're still here.

'Cause you haven't started training me!

You've been having sex all night --

Oh, you heard that, did you?

[ Exhales ]I can get pretty loud.

C'mon. Nowit's time.

[ Keyboard clacking ][ Whispering ] I thought you said it was time.

Soon, soon.Just havin' a look at WebMD.

Pretty sure I caughtsomething last night.

Does this look like the picture?

Jesus!

Alright, time to earn your learner's permit.

Steve: You want me to drive now?!

It's driving, just have fun with it.

[ Gear cranks ]

[ Wheels hiss ]

[ Wood creaking ]

[ Chuckles nervously ] Th-This isn't so bad.

[ Birds chirping, wood creaking ]

Steve, there's a chipmunk gnawing!

[ Gnaws ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Engine revs ]

[ Gnaws ]

[ Screeches ]

Oh.

Oh, no!

[ Hawk cries, bear growls ]

Oh, thank God.

What the hell?!

[ Groans ]

I'm saved!

[ Grunting ]

Why does everyone hate this rope so much?!

[ Engine revs, tires screech ]

If this cone was a car,you'd've smashed it.

It's no Rammer, but you're gonnakick ass in the Miata Masher.

You haven't even taught me the Skidrokyo Drift.

You really think I'm ready to derby?

'Bout fifty-fifty. Maybe fofty-fofty.

But fofty-fofty's not a real number --

Yeah, okay, thenI'll say fifty-fifty.

Vespa's been ridin' my ass.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Tap ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Wheels are shot and the front fell! Pff.

What about the derby?!

Can't do it without a car.

Okay, guy, let's seeyour insurance info.

Uh-huh.

Uh, do you wanna give me yours?

My insurance is that I now knowwhere you live.

And if I get so much as onephone call from GEICO,

I will burn your houseto the ground

429 Shippey Lane -- [ Stammers ]

Wait, 492?

Shippey doesn't sound right,either --

No!

[ Panting ]

Something's zapping me.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Well, Snot, the results are in.

Your old pal'sgot the Muscular Dystrophy.

How about instead of looking up symptoms

we find another derby car?

That's a great idea,why don't you try to find

the Red Rammerlike I've been telling you to!

Dick, I gotta remind you to keep your voice down.

[ Hushed ] I got the dystrophy,Barbara.

I got the dystrophy!

[ Normal voice ] And this onewon't find the Red Rammer

like I've been tellin' him.

In any case, [hushed] if you could just...

Now you're getting mein trouble with Barbara.

♪♪

There you are!I've been worried sick!

Mom, do you know what happened to the Red Rammer?

It's gone.

So you do know what happened to it.

And you're never gonna find it.

Oh, yeah?! Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah? Yeah!!

[ Yells ]

[Table thuds ]

What the?

[ Clock ticks ]

Schmuley, just take it easy.

Let's listen to some music.

[ Radio plays ]

I can't believe you.

How did I not see --

Schmuley, please!

You chopped up the Rammer!

This is all Dad left me, and you chopped it up!

I did what I had to doto keep this family --

and this house -- from falling apart!

All you ever tell me about Dad is the bad things.

But he was a derby-driving, Keebler clothes-holdin' badass.

[ Cries ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Cries ]

[ Windows squeaking ]

We're actually gonna make it!

[ Siren wails ]

Oh, God!

Just be cool, I'll take care of this.

Hi, Officer, what seems to be the problem?

Y'all two Yankee childs wouldn't be haulin' contraband

luncheon meat through my county now, would ya?

What?! No.

I don't know which smell is stronger,

bullshit or salami --

[ Quitely ] No, do it the other way.

[ Normal voice ] I don't know which smell is stronger,

salami or bullshit.

[ Quietly ] Much better, good job, you did good, good boy.

[ Normal voice ] Now open the back of the truck.

Well, I guess I'm opening the truck now...

♪♪

Please, don't make me do this.

State Trooper:Whaddya waitin' for?

♪♪

Uh...it's just that it's...so hot.

Missy, if you think that is gonna --

[ High-pitched ] Owie wowie,baby wants mommy,

[panting] make it dirty!

[ Horn blares ]

Oh, thank God.

[ Muffled gunshots ]

[ Jeff sobs ]

What have I done?!

So, what's on the itinerary?

A little rat chasingin the ol' garage?

No, Barry. We're rebuilding my dad's car.

Alright, but if I find a rat,I'm still eatin' it.

[ The Ides of March's "Vehicle" plays ]

♪♪

♪ Hey, well, I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan ♪

♪ Won't 'cha hop inside my car? ♪

♪ I got pictures, I got candy, I'm a lovable man ♪

♪ And I can take you to the nearest star ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, baby

♪ I can take you anywhere you wanna go ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, woman

♪ By that, I'm sure you know

♪ That I love ya ♪ Love ya

♪ I need ya ♪ Need ya

♪ I wants ya, gots to have you, child ♪

♪ Great God in heaven, you know I love you ♪

♪♪

♪ Well, if you wants to be a movie star ♪

[ Engine revs, tires screech ]

[ Cheering ]

♪ You know, I think you really should ♪

♪ I'm your vehicle, baby

You found her...and she's beautiful.

M-May I?

Sure.

[ Engine revs ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm stealing the Rammer. Pff.

Keebler, you dirty thief!

Come back with my daddy's car!

[ Sobs ]

Mom?Dry those tears, my beautiful baby boy.

We're getting the Rammer back.

Oh, wow!

I just have to drop this Tupperware off

at Mrs. Amendola's house.

I've had it forever,it's on the way,

don't make a face.

That damn Keebla stole your car and half my house!

And my trust in strangers!

Get him, Mom!

[ Tires screech ]Hey, Donkeys!

I've got a dingleberry danglin'!

Get 'em off my tail!

Let's roll!

[ Screams ]

No!

Get it together, Derrick.

Keebler needs us.

Woo-hoo!

No!

♪♪

[ Tires screech ]

Mom,you gotta hit him back!

I can't do it! You take the wheel.

What?!

You were born to drive.

I tried to deny it, 'cause I didn't want

to lose you to that damn derby.

But I don't have to worry because you're not your dad.

Now be your dad and smash these fools!

They're coming up on both sides!

Car! Car!

[ Tires screech ]

♪♪

Wow, Schmuley, you've reallygot a knock for --

On your six!

Mom, you sound like a spotter.

I was your fatha's firstspotter, before Keebla.

You? [ Clattering ]

Yeah,but when I got pregnant --

You had to hang it up.

Yeah.

Plus side though, the derby guys

threw me a very nicebaby shower.

And the strippers had what appeared

to be full sex with each other.

[ Birds chirping ]Mmm.

Is it the explosive preservatives

that make it taste so good?

Whoa!It's Snot and his mom!

They're in trouble.

♪♪

This Headband to Pavement Pouncer

or any other trucker out there.

Shut the door and sit on the toilet,

'cause I've got some friends deep in donkey-doo, over.

Pavement Pouncer: That's a big 10-4, Headband.

Four hot shovels coming your way.

I see you now. And you're bringing a great big convoy --

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't say that word!

We're nothing like that song!

What song? Not this one!

♪ We got a big group of tru-ucks ♪

♪ That means more than one truck ♪

♪ Yeah, we got a big group of tru-ucks ♪

♪ Usually four or five trucks

♪ C'mon and join our big group of trucks ♪

♪ This time it's only four trucks ♪

[ Horn honks ]

♪ Tru-ucks

What the hell?

Guess it's up to us to getthat Donkey off his tail.

Hey, honey! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah!

[ Both groaning ]

♪♪

Snot: Whoo-hoo!

♪♪

There's Keebla!

You caught 'em, Schmuley,now take 'em out!

♪♪

Foot on the dash? [ Gasps ]

You're doingthe Skidrokyo Drift!

[ Tires screech ]

♪♪

Whoooooooaaaa.

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Oh, no, you missed.

No, I didn't, Mom.

For me?

But why didn't you Skidrokyo Keebla?

Screw Keebler.

And screw the Red Rammer.

I don't want it.

That's Dad's car, and I'm letting it go.

Why?

'Cause Dad let us go.

He bailed on us... but you stuck around.

And you're the only dad I need.

Oh!

Now let's clock some driving hours

so I can sign your permit paper.

Wow, I through this moment wouldbe more powerful for me.

Thought it would be a littlemore meaningful.

[ Gasps ] There it is!

There's that special feeling!

Have a great night!