Original subtitles

- You ready? - Let's do it.

This is gonna be fun!

♪ ♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Here it comes ♪

♪ Are you ready? Are you ready for me? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Are you ready for me? ♪

Don't be so dramatic, darling.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Cierra, what's going on?

- The fog is coming. - Wait, wait.

- We gotta run. - Wait. Wait! What's the fog?

- Why would I know what the fog is? Huh?

Do I look like a fogologist to you?

- 'Cause you're a Virgo.

You always be knowing some random shit.

- Ashanti, when has a mysterious fog ever been good?

Has there ever in the history of everdom

been a fog that has cleared up your acne,

picked you up from the airport,

or texted you when your man was in the club?

Huh? Huh? No!

- Let's go! Come on!

- Uh-uh.

Don't act like I'm the one

out here asking dumb questions, okay?

You see, what your problem is,

you're not a good motivator, okay?

You know I don't respond well to negative reinforcement.

Maybe if you took a more amicable tone,

I might...

- Damn, I'm ashy. Mm.

Girl, you gotta do better.

- This is just like that time

you thought Danae's paper cut was a sinkhole.

- Mm.

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

- you think I'd be jealous?

- Okay, okay. My turn.

Never have I ever

stolen Wet n Wild makeup from the drugstore.

- Oh, please.

- Robin, why would you say

something you've actually done?

- Strategy.

- Who strategizes Never Have I Ever?

- A winner, bitch!

Ashley, your turn. - Okay.

Um, never have I ever stolen a boyfriend

from my cousin Quinta.

- Oh! - Wait, me "cousin Quinta"?

- I told you that in confidence.

- "Strategy."

- Sorry, Quinta. It was Dre.

- Dre?

Who cares? He had a Flintstone dick.

It's fine. - Oh.

- Whoa. Whoa.

W-what's... What's a Flintstone dick?

Both: You have to use your feet to make it work.

- Ew. - Gabrielle, you go.

- Okay. Uh, never have I ever...

Done a walk of shame.

- You've never done a walk of shame?

- I wasn't ashamed, okay?

Quinta, go. - Okay.

Never have I ever sent love poetry

to Cornel West and gotten a cease and desist in return.

- Man... This game is stupid.

Let's just watch something on TV.

- We got "Beale Street,"

"Aladdin"... - Aww.

- Black Panther and them other niggas...

Ooh, "Baby Boy"! - Oh!

- I haven't seen this in ages.

- No, we canceled that movie. Misogyny.

- I'm not canceling anything with Tyrese in it.

I still fap to that Coca-Cola commercial.

- Breathe, Roy. Just breathe.

- This ain't the opening

of Clementine's Rib Shack and Shoe Repair, Floyd!

This the Aphrodite Theater, jack!

- And we getting paid in real money this time.

A man can only eat so many ribs.

- Speak for yourself, Josephus.

Bring it in, fellas.

- Let's hit it and git it.

Announcer: And now,

put your hands together for Claude and The Boppers

singing their family-friendly hit

that's taken America's sweet tooth by storm,

"Ice-Cream Shop."

- Also, I'm 'bout to flip it and dip it.

Try to keep up.

♪ ♪

One!

Two!

One, two!

One, two, three, four!

♪ Holding hands in the ice-cream shop ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Holding hands in the ice-cream shop ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Of all the flavors ♪

♪ You're the cream of the crop ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Holding hands in the ice-cream shop ♪

- ♪ A girl like you should never be alone ♪

♪ Come taste the flavor of my ice-cream cone ♪

Boppers: ♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

- ♪ Your two scoops leave me at a loss ♪

♪ I'll cover them in my chocolate sauce ♪

Boppers: ♪ Ew, ew, ew ♪

- ♪ Chocolate sauce goes on dessert ♪

♪ Not on the Milk Duds under your shirt ♪

Boppers: ♪ Oh, whoa, whoa ♪

- ♪ We're just here to ask you out ♪

♪ That's what this song used to be about ♪

- ♪ She'll satisfy any scratch I need itchin' ♪

♪ And once a week ♪

♪ I'll let her out of the kitchen ♪

Boppers: ♪ Wait, wait, wait ♪

- ♪ Every night, she'll make my supper ♪

♪ After the dishes, she'll do me and my brother ♪

Boppers: ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪

- ♪ If she wants to, that's one option ♪

♪ In the myriad of things she could do-ooh ♪

♪ For instance, my wife is a teacher ♪

♪ I love you, Sheila! This wasn't my idea ♪

♪ ♪

- Girl, you're a stone-cold fox,

capable of... driving a truck

or giving birth to our babies...

Uh, or not.

Your uterus is yours

to do with as you will.

- ♪ Fuckin' you in the ice-cream shop ♪

- Holy Jesus.

- ♪ Juggle my balls in the ice-cream shop ♪

- That's it! - Come on, Claude.

- ♪ I'm fucking you ♪

♪ I'm fucking you ♪

♪ I'm fucking you ♪

♪ I'm fucking you ♪

♪ And you and you ♪

♪ Not you ♪

♪ Yeah, and you and you ♪

♪ And you... Okay, you ♪

- Stop! Stop! - Let's go!

- Uh, uh...

uh, we...

- See, my job

is not to supply the conspiracy theory.

It's to be patient enough

to let the conspiracy theory supply me.

See... see... see, our black family unit is under threat.

Our men are unfocused and unproductive,

doing frivolous things

like getting therapy and smiling.

♪ ♪

Women are supposed to be the keepers of the home,

but today's sisters are trying to exist

outside the role of wife and mother.

But if you're a wife or a mother,

you don't belong outside.

Take your shoes off.

See... see, white people will have you believe

that our original sin is our existence,

but their original sin

is putting raisins in food where it doesn't belong.

Jesus only ate his grandma's mac and cheese, and so do I.

♪ ♪

They'll tell you a black man invented the traffic light,

but they won't tell you that he also invented

the colors yellow, red, and green.

But I'll tell you

in my new, self-published book,

"I Hate My Green Eyes and Ham."

You have to ignore the empirical evidence

that contradicts your beliefs!

Think about it: "empirical."

"Empire."

Free Jussie.

Free your mind.

Free En Vogue.

♪ ♪

- Every morning, I wake up one hour early

to put on my Fenty highlighter before my man wakes up.

I'm exhausted,

but I can't let bae see me with my bare face, you know?

- I've never been barefaced in front of a man.

I'm afraid all the athletes I date wouldn't know

what to do with a woman

who takes her cheekbones off every night.

- Consider this.

Hmm?

Do they even appreciate

that you put 'em on in the first place?

Moreover,

is a partner who doesn't appreciate the cheek work

deserving of the cheek twerk?

- I never thought of that, there.

- That's good. - See, that's... see?

- Sydney, just sleep in.

Your face got this.

The baddest I feel

is when my man worships

at the temple of my natural, flat face.

- I wish I could have a flat face all the time.

- Huh?

- Uh... - Girl, what?

- Tina, let Mya finish.

Now, what's going on under that lace front of yours?

Well, sometimes I wish I was

not a bad bitch all the time.

Like, sometimes I wish I was just...

a okay bitch.

Oh.

- Girl! - Ooh!

- We don't use that type of language up in here, bitch.

- It's just a lot of pressure!

Like, I wanna wear normal house slippers,

not three-inch-heel house shoes.

- Ay, stop whining.

Listen, being a bad bitch is an honor.

We didn't choose this life.

This life chose us.

- Sometimes I just wanna sit down for five minutes

without wearing a waist trainer!

- Oh, this ho tryna take deep breaths?

- Yes! - Breathe when you die, honey.

Okay? - Bitches, please.

- Now, Mya, can you tell us

where this incredibly fucked-up feeling is coming from?

- Well, I saw this lady walking down the street

without lashes on.

And she didn't seem burdened

by the pressures of having bald eyes!

- Mm.

- She seemed fine being a okay bitch.

- How you know she was a okay bitch?

She could've been a bad bitch with alopecia.

- Ooh, I've seen those.

That's what it was.

- No. She was an okay bitch.

I could tell by her wedges. - Ah.

Well, there's nothing wrong with being an okay bitch.

Women: What? - Oh!

This bitch done lost her mind.

- As long as you're not a basic bitch.

- Okay. She found it.

- Oh.

- I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe

in the presence of a aspiring okay bitch.

Her attendance here undermines the whole notion

of the Bad Bitch Support Group.

- I'm not going nowhere. This is a support group.

Y'all supposed to be here to support me,

and I don't feel supported right now.

- What is happening with Subject Four?

- She seems to have built up

an immunity to the Foxycodone.

Double her dosage.

If women start rejecting impossible beauty standards,

we'll go out of business.

- But, ma'am, i-it isn't safe.

She's already at All-Star Weekend levels.

- I said...

Double it!

- What was that?

- What is that?

- Oh, my... what? - What's that?

- Is everything okay in there?

Yes.

Keep going.

♪ ♪

- Must be some kickball bitches next door.

♪ ♪

- Oh, they must have on flat shoes.

♪ ♪

- Okay, let me get this straight.

- So MJ, R. Kelly, Cosby... - Canceled.

But I need clarity on the particulars.

Like, yes, Mel Gibson is a racist asshole...

- Mm-hmm. - But I can still

watch "Lethal Weapon" for Danny Glover, right?

- And I fap to Danny Glover too, so...

- It's like a school group project, okay?

If one person fucks up, everyone gets canceled.

- Canceled for how long, though?

What about "Mike Tyson Mysteries"?

If he did the time, the cartoon is fine.

- The cartoon is not fine.

- Okay, what if I'm trying to get into an empty house

but the family forgot to turn off the TV,

so when I get inside,

"Naked Gun" is on

but it's the scene with O.J.?

- Well, the burglary is iffy, but O.J. on TV?

Turn around and walk right out.

- Wait a minute!

Ashley has R. Kelly on her phone.

No.

- Ooh! - No.

- Oh, "I Believe I Can Fly."

Do you, now, Ashley?

- Oh! I believe you a lie. - No...

- Delete. - No!

Uh, it was the Jessica Simpson cover.

- You should've just said it was R. Kelly.

- Okay. So we playing like that?

Robin, where's your phone?

- Oh, you think I'm dumb enough

to take your phone and not hide mine?

Ha-ha! - Quinta's dumb enough.

- Hey. - Ooh!

Is this a GIF of John Travolta

looking confused in "Pulp Fiction"?

- Hey. So... who...

- Weinstein produced that movie.

- So? - Delete!

- My GIF! Come on.

Ooh, she broke it.

Bitch... - Hmm?

- You gon' die. - No, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna kill you.

- Quinta. Quinta... - I'm going to kill her!

- No! - I'm gonna kill you!

- This is of the utmost importance

to national security.

Are you sure you can handle it?

- Oh. Oh, I-I-I'm not...

I work in IT. I'm not a spy.

- It's me. I'm the agent.

I'm Trinity.

So yeah.

- Trinity is incredible.

Her regular-looking face

makes her nearly invisible in the field,

but around here, she's a real legend.

- Sorry to interrupt.

It's Trinity's birthday. Can you sign her card?

- Uh, I'm sitting right here.

- Oh. Well,

you can sign it too.

Just drop it by my desk when you're done, okay?

Make sure not to tell Trinity.

Shh.

- Just tell me about the mission.

- The syndicate's cover business is a record label

called We Do International Crimes Records, Pew Pew Pew.

- No, it's pronounced...

- We'll need you to gain access to the building,

which isn't going to be easy.

Their security is tighter

than Jada Pinkett's mom's abs.

- Tight. - Mm.

- Last week, a top-level agent was at a place like that

and just walked right in.

It was Agent...

- Trinity.

- No, that's not it.

- We need you to obtain a hard drive

from Reynaldo Artiste's office.

You may know him

as Larceny-O Hall.

He invented going

"skrrt!" on records.

Oh, he also runs

the international crime ring.

Reynaldo has a private security guard

who's so off the grid,

the CIA has not been able to ascertain anything about him.

We've given him a code name:

Invisible Man.

The only thing we do know:

he's deadly.

♪ ♪

- He'll never even know I was there.

- Oh, I know where I know you from.

You're my son's kindergarten teacher.

- You know me from meeting me a minute ago,

here, at the CIA.

- No.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I'm in.

♪ ♪

woman: You ain't slick.

I see you, Trinity.

- Invisible Man is a woman?

A black woman?

Do we know each other?

- I've been watching you for a very long time.

Uh-uh!

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Set off any of the sensors,

and the room will fill with nerve gas.

You'll be dead in 30 seconds.

Good luck, sis.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Ugh, what are you supposed to be,

like, my evil twin or something?

- Don't flatter yourself.

I actually have a face shape

that can carry off this haircut.

- Do you, though?

♪ ♪

- You know I'm gonna have to kill you now, right?

- Not if I kill you first.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Ouch!

♪ ♪

Ow!

Wow. You're good.

- Yeah, I haven't had to fight like this in years.

- The last time I fought an assassin,

he saw some chick with a long weave down the block,

and he just...

both: Wandered away. Yeah.

- Wait. Stop fighting.

Do you like working for Reynaldo?

- I mean, we grew up together, and I really care about him.

- Oh, honey.

No matter how good you get at this,

it's not gonna get him to notice you.

- I know.

- Look, I'm just here for a hard drive, okay?

Give it to me,

Reynaldo goes down for this alone,

and the CIA never has to hear about you.

I'll give you a five-minute head start

to do what you do best:

disappear.

- Top left drawer.

- What?

Damn. She's good.

- We're living in the Matrix.

See... see, truth tellers like myself have got to be fearless.

We have to be brave enough to stand up and say,

"We are all descended from the Asiatic black woman."

Her name was Ermaline.

See, I reject geometry.

It's just the ancient white man's way

of trying to shape our world.

Think about it.

A triangle is just the white body upside down.

It's top-heavy.

If a white woman stands accused of a crime,

she definitely did it.

But if a black woman stands accused,

she didn't do that shit.

And another time,

I saw a sister holding a bloody knife,

standing over a dead body, yelling,

"I merked this nigga!"

But as far as I'm concerned, on that day,

not nary a nigga was merked.

I'm Dr. Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman,

pre-PhD,

and this is my masterclass.

♪ ♪

Although I reject the term "master"

because I will never be enslaved

mentally, physically, nor spiritually,

metaphysically, biologically,

specifically, pacifically,

Michael Ealy, Robert Ealey,

none of the Lees...

- ♪ Bust down, Thotiana, bust down, Thotiana ♪

♪ I wanna see you bust down ♪

- Wow! She's here.

She really had the nerve to show her face

like she didn't break up with me

via the comments section of a Venmo transaction.

- Man... - ♪ Bust down, Thotiana ♪

♪ Bust down, Thotiana ♪

- Oh! She act like she can't see me.

Oh, that's what we doing?

Drea, help me get on this table.

- Oh, my God. Please don't do this.

I got eight exes in this corner alone,

and you don't see me causin' a scene.

- ♪ Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss ♪

- Oh! This is my shit. - ♪ Just do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it, do it ♪

♪ Do it now, lick it good ♪

♪ Suck this pussy just like you should ♪

♪ Right now, lick it good ♪

- Is she really gonna stand there

like we not about to get back together

12 more times before we break up for good?

- ♪ Lick my pussy ♪ - The audacity. The gall.

- ♪ And my crack ♪ - The temerity.

- ♪ My neck, my back ♪ - You know what?

She gonna do me dirty, I'ma take her to the car wash.

- ♪ My neck, my back ♪ - Oh, is this nigga copying me?

- ♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪

- ♪ My neck ♪ - Are you even listening?

I'm in crisis! - Shut up. You're in crisis?

This bitch is biting! - Girl, who cares?

If I wanted to see drama,

I would just watch a Tyler Perry comedy.

- ♪ And my crack ♪

♪ First, you gotta put your neck into it ♪

- Oh, hell nah.

I did not watch "Hotline Bling" 42 times

to be disrespected like this.

- ♪ From the crack, back to the front ♪

♪ Then you suck it all ♪

♪ Till I shake and come, nigga ♪

♪ Make sure I keep bustin' nuts, nigga ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ Lick this pussy just like you should ♪

♪ Right now, lick it good ♪

♪ Lick this pussy just like you should ♪

♪ My neck ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry, babe.

- Okay, babe.

Let me just get down.

- Rolling the dice?

That's Drea's shit.

Uh. Uh...

♪ ♪

Drea!

Drea! Wake up!

Girl, wake up!

You not even out to your grams yet.

How I'ma explain you died at a lesbian party?

Girl, wake up. Don't be dead.

Come on, Drea.

You sure you're okay?

- Man, I'm Gucci.

You think I'm tryna leave the turnup

just 'cause I passed out in the alleyway

under mysterious circumstances?

- No.

- ♪ Percocets ♪ - Oh, this my jam!

- ♪ Molly, Percocets ♪ - Ay!

- ♪ Percocets, Molly, Percocets ♪

- Why you dancing like that? - ♪ Rep the set ♪

♪ Gotta rep the set ♪ - Like what?

- Like you not cutting the rug,

like the rug is cutting you.

Quit playing. - ♪ Never chase a bitch ♪

- ♪ Don't chase no bitches ♪ - ♪ Mask on ♪

♪ Fuck it, mask off ♪ - ♪ Mask ♪

- What's wrong with us? - ♪ Fuck it, mask off ♪

♪ Percocets ♪

- Oh. - ♪ Molly, Percocets ♪

both: That bitch literally stole our dance moves!

Ooh! Eh!

Whoo! Ah!

- ♪ My neck, my back ♪

♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪

♪ My neck, my back ♪

- ♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪

♪ My neck, my back ♪

♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- "Pulp Fiction." Weinstein produced that movie.

- Oh, my God! Don't...

- Delete. - My GIF!

Ooh, she broke it.

Bitch... - Hmm?

- You gon' die. - No, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna kill you.

- Quinta. Quinta... - I'm going to kill her!

- No! - I'm gonna kill you!

Ooh! - When I get free of Gabrielle,

you are mad dead.

- Girl, calm down. It's just a phone!

- Yeah, it's not the end of the world.

- Oh, right.

It is.

♪ ♪

My bad.

That's on me.

- If you dine on swine,

you'll live to only be nine.

Everybody knows it.

- ♪ If he don't see that cheek work ♪

♪ He can't get the cheek twerk ♪

- Ah! - ♪ If he don't see ♪

♪ That cheek work ♪ - Go, best friend!

Go, best friend! Ay! - ♪ Ow, ow, ow ♪

- I know fish is delicious,

but so is family.

Said the Donner Party.

What?

Now I'm making cannibal jokes? I don't know.

- You may know him as

Larceny-o...

Hall!

- This class is not free, but I do accept EBT.

No, I have more! Oh, shit.

Well now, here we are. The last four people on Earth.

- Cheers. - Get it!

♪

It's the... Basic Ball!

Category is... running errands!

She has all the receipts.

Do you, Chris, take Rochelle to be your lawfully wedded wife?

- Don't I? - Not quite.

- Do I? - Just say "I do."

I...

- Been we good! - Been we ain't.

♪ Diamonds on my P On my wrist and in my chain ♪

Knock knock.

Who's there?

No one... 'cause you're dead.

♪