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1
00:00:05,615 --> 00:00:07,156
[TV static drones]
2
00:00:07,239 --> 00:00:09,907
[bright tone]
3
00:00:09,989 --> 00:00:13,073
[phones ringing]
4
00:00:19,782 --> 00:00:21,031
- [whispering]
Hey, girl.
5
00:00:21,114 --> 00:00:23,823
- Mm.
9:57 a.m.?
6
00:00:23,907 --> 00:00:25,657
Again, Shayla?
[scoffs]
7
00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:27,823
You know, we started calling you
Office Lauryn Hill.
8
00:00:27,907 --> 00:00:29,239
- Toni, I'm trying.
9
00:00:29,323 --> 00:00:32,198
It just takes so long
to beat this face.
10
00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:33,198
- Then don't.
11
00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:34,657
Girl, you got melanin.
12
00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:37,281
You don't need NARS
when you got skin like ours.
13
00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:39,573
- Okay, that's cute for you,
Alicia Keys,
14
00:00:39,657 --> 00:00:42,198
but if I don't wear makeup,
somebody always asks,
15
00:00:42,281 --> 00:00:44,406
"Are you okay?
You look sick."
16
00:00:44,490 --> 00:00:46,657
- Oh, come on.
It's not that serious.
17
00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:48,365
- It is that serious!
18
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,698
Okay, last time
I did not wear makeup,
19
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,698
I got pulled into being
a zombie on "The Walking Dead."
20
00:00:52,782 --> 00:00:55,490
Of course, I did make $500,
but it hurt my feelings.
21
00:00:55,573 --> 00:00:57,615
- [gasps]
Did you get to meet Rick?
22
00:00:57,698 --> 00:00:58,698
'Cause that's cool.
23
00:00:58,782 --> 00:00:59,989
- No, that is not cool, okay?
24
00:01:00,073 --> 00:01:02,114
I don't want people thinking
I look like death.
25
00:01:02,198 --> 00:01:03,239
- Oh, well.
26
00:01:03,323 --> 00:01:05,239
It's better than
looking unemployed. [laughs]
27
00:01:05,323 --> 00:01:06,531
[clock ticking]
28
00:01:06,615 --> 00:01:08,323
Ooh, Shayla 'bout
to get that chop.
29
00:01:08,406 --> 00:01:09,198
[chuckles]
30
00:01:09,281 --> 00:01:11,531
- Look who's here
before 9:00 a.m.!
31
00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:12,573
- Well, well--
32
00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:13,989
goddamn!
33
00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,031
[terrifying musical sting]
34
00:01:15,114 --> 00:01:16,823
[gasps]
Are you okay?
35
00:01:16,907 --> 00:01:18,531
Who did this to you?
36
00:01:18,615 --> 00:01:19,531
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
37
00:01:19,615 --> 00:01:21,573
I just don't have makeup on.
Okay?
38
00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:23,239
I told you.
I knew you would do this.
39
00:01:23,323 --> 00:01:24,531
- Oh, but I didn't know.
40
00:01:24,615 --> 00:01:26,239
How could I have known?
Who would have known?
41
00:01:26,323 --> 00:01:27,573
Oh, it was unknowable.
42
00:01:27,657 --> 00:01:30,989
- Well, at least I saved
an hour getting ready.
43
00:01:31,073 --> 00:01:33,239
Besides, customers can't see me
through the phone.
44
00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:34,281
Who cares?
45
00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:36,531
[receiver clicks]
Millstone Coffee Company.
46
00:01:36,615 --> 00:01:39,031
How can I brew up
an answer for you?
47
00:01:39,114 --> 00:01:40,907
Sure. Let me place you
on a brief hold.
48
00:01:40,989 --> 00:01:41,907
[button clicks]
49
00:01:41,989 --> 00:01:43,907
[whispering]
Girl.
50
00:01:43,989 --> 00:01:45,948
You ever steal coffee?
51
00:01:46,031 --> 00:01:47,114
I do.
52
00:01:47,198 --> 00:01:48,657
[speaking loudly]
Okay.
53
00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:51,114
Okay, your shipment
is on its way.
54
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,406
Aw, well, talk to you later,
percolator.
55
00:01:53,490 --> 00:01:55,531
- Oh, goddamn, Shayla.
56
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:56,865
[musical sting]
57
00:01:56,948 --> 00:01:59,073
You look like you just
walked out of an ICU!
58
00:01:59,156 --> 00:02:01,615
- Okay, now, see,
that's just how you see me.
59
00:02:01,698 --> 00:02:03,490
This is just my natural face.
60
00:02:03,573 --> 00:02:05,198
- Then you explain
how that natural IV
61
00:02:05,281 --> 00:02:06,865
is hanging out
of your natural arm.
62
00:02:06,948 --> 00:02:08,823
- There's no IV!
63
00:02:08,907 --> 00:02:10,114
- [screams]
64
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,948
That's...
[yelps]
65
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,907
- Now shh.
I'm trying to do my work.
66
00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:15,698
I suggest you do the same.
67
00:02:15,782 --> 00:02:18,615
[eerie music]
68
00:02:18,698 --> 00:02:21,573
[device beeping,
phone ringing]
69
00:02:21,657 --> 00:02:23,907
Millstone Coffee Company.
How have you "bean"?
70
00:02:23,989 --> 00:02:26,448
- [tearfully] Oh, we came
as soon as we could, baby.
71
00:02:26,531 --> 00:02:28,615
- Daddy's here, Daddy's here.
Oh, my God.
72
00:02:28,698 --> 00:02:31,156
- [gasps]
Jesus, please save my friend.
73
00:02:31,239 --> 00:02:32,698
- Oh, Reverend,
I'm glad you could come.
74
00:02:32,782 --> 00:02:34,281
- Good lookin' out, Jesus.
75
00:02:34,365 --> 00:02:36,281
- Okay, sure. Let me just
place you on a brief hold.
76
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:39,573
- Father God, we ask
that you welcome this child
77
00:02:39,657 --> 00:02:41,948
into your kingdom
in your divine timing,
78
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,907
which will probably be
any minute now
79
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,823
if it hasn't happened already.
80
00:02:45,907 --> 00:02:49,073
It's in your name that we pray
over this near corpse.
81
00:02:49,156 --> 00:02:49,989
Amen.
82
00:02:50,073 --> 00:02:51,490
parents:
[crying] Amen.
83
00:02:51,573 --> 00:02:52,907
- Okay, I'm back.
Sure.
84
00:02:52,989 --> 00:02:55,323
I can do that.
Your shipment is on the way.
85
00:02:55,406 --> 00:02:56,573
Mm-hmm.
86
00:02:56,657 --> 00:02:57,615
What are you doing, Toni?
87
00:02:57,698 --> 00:02:59,073
You fuckin' with
my coffee commission.
88
00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:00,198
- No, Shayla.
89
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,406
You are my best friend!
90
00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:04,448
At work.
91
00:03:04,531 --> 00:03:05,948
Okay.
Fine.
92
00:03:06,031 --> 00:03:08,156
But before you go...
93
00:03:08,239 --> 00:03:10,198
[crying]
I've gotta tell you the truth.
94
00:03:11,323 --> 00:03:13,823
I'm the one who's been
eating your lunches.
95
00:03:13,907 --> 00:03:15,073
- Son of a b--
96
00:03:15,156 --> 00:03:16,406
[machine beeping rapidly]
- Baby?
97
00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,782
- Out of the way.
Out of the way.
98
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,989
[defibrillator whines]
99
00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:20,531
Clear!
100
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:21,907
[tense music]
101
00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:23,989
Clear!
- Oh, please.
102
00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:27,239
[flatline]
103
00:03:27,323 --> 00:03:29,740
- Time of death: 9:22 a.m.
104
00:03:29,823 --> 00:03:31,448
[parents moan]
105
00:03:31,531 --> 00:03:33,073
- [sobbing]
Oh--oh, no.
106
00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:34,615
- Come here, baby.
- Oh, no. No.
107
00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:36,198
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Oh, what happened?
108
00:03:36,281 --> 00:03:38,031
- Come on now. Come on.
- [sobbing] Oh, no, no.
109
00:03:38,114 --> 00:03:40,865
- Stop crying, baby.
- [gasps]
110
00:03:40,948 --> 00:03:44,114
[whimpering breathlessly]
111
00:03:45,698 --> 00:03:48,073
[crying]
112
00:03:50,156 --> 00:03:51,365
[sobs]
113
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,031
[dramatic percussion]
114
00:03:53,114 --> 00:03:54,823
[stirring piano music]
115
00:03:54,907 --> 00:03:56,490
♪ ♪
116
00:03:56,573 --> 00:04:00,323
[sniffling]
117
00:04:02,657 --> 00:04:03,573
- Hey, girl.
118
00:04:03,657 --> 00:04:05,365
You ready to hit
this happy hour?
119
00:04:06,782 --> 00:04:08,114
- Shayla?
120
00:04:08,198 --> 00:04:09,365
Mm-mm.
121
00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:10,573
You died.
122
00:04:10,657 --> 00:04:12,114
Your homegoing is on Saturday.
123
00:04:12,198 --> 00:04:14,573
- No, it's not.
124
00:04:14,657 --> 00:04:15,740
Oh, shit.
125
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,740
Smudged my lipstick.
Might as well start over.
126
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:19,698
- No, no, no.
127
00:04:19,782 --> 00:04:21,073
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no!
128
00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:23,740
[shrieking] No, no, no!
129
00:04:23,823 --> 00:04:25,198
[screams]
No!
130
00:04:25,281 --> 00:04:27,073
[musical sting]
131
00:04:27,156 --> 00:04:30,239
[Megan Thee Stallion's
"Hot Girl"]
132
00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:32,239
♪ ♪
133
00:04:32,323 --> 00:04:34,323
- ♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪
134
00:04:34,406 --> 00:04:36,740
♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪
135
00:04:36,823 --> 00:04:38,073
♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪
136
00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:39,573
♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪
137
00:04:39,657 --> 00:04:41,989
♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪
138
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,031
♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
139
00:04:44,114 --> 00:04:45,490
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
140
00:04:45,573 --> 00:04:46,782
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
141
00:04:46,865 --> 00:04:48,156
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
142
00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,448
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪
143
00:04:50,531 --> 00:04:51,865
♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
144
00:04:51,948 --> 00:04:53,073
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
145
00:04:53,156 --> 00:04:55,114
♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪
146
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:57,365
♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪
147
00:04:57,448 --> 00:04:58,698
♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪
148
00:04:58,782 --> 00:05:00,156
♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪
149
00:05:00,239 --> 00:05:02,490
♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪
150
00:05:02,573 --> 00:05:04,490
♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
151
00:05:04,573 --> 00:05:05,865
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
152
00:05:05,948 --> 00:05:07,198
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪
153
00:05:07,281 --> 00:05:08,823
- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪
154
00:05:08,907 --> 00:05:10,948
- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪
155
00:05:11,031 --> 00:05:13,448
♪ Don't get mad, ho,
get a bag, ho ♪
156
00:05:13,531 --> 00:05:14,448
♪ Ah ♪
157
00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:18,031
[birds chirping]
158
00:05:18,657 --> 00:05:21,114
- It's not
the end of the world!
159
00:05:21,198 --> 00:05:22,531
Oh, right.
160
00:05:22,615 --> 00:05:24,573
It is.
161
00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:27,406
[upbeat dance music]
162
00:05:27,490 --> 00:05:29,823
- [chuckling] Yes.
- [exhales]
163
00:05:29,907 --> 00:05:31,989
- [laughs]
- Bottoms up, hos.
164
00:05:32,073 --> 00:05:33,865
all: Cheers!
- Yay!
165
00:05:33,948 --> 00:05:35,073
- Mm!
166
00:05:35,156 --> 00:05:38,323
We made it, okay?
And you all have me to thank.
167
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,531
[all laugh]
168
00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:42,281
No, seriously, now would be
a good time to thank me.
169
00:05:42,365 --> 00:05:43,490
- Okay.
To Robin.
170
00:05:43,573 --> 00:05:45,615
When you sent us
a Facebook invite
171
00:05:45,698 --> 00:05:46,657
to the end of the world,
172
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,198
I did not think
that you would be right.
173
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,114
I just clicked Yes
'cause you're my best friend.
174
00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:51,031
- Aw.
175
00:05:51,114 --> 00:05:52,323
- And now here we are,
176
00:05:52,406 --> 00:05:54,281
the last four people on Earth.
177
00:05:55,239 --> 00:05:56,406
- [quickly]
Cheers.
178
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,823
- Yes, yes.
- We did it. We did it.
179
00:05:57,907 --> 00:05:58,989
- Wait, wait, wait.
180
00:05:59,073 --> 00:06:01,490
Uh, why are we fucking around
with champagne
181
00:06:01,573 --> 00:06:04,448
when, as of ten minutes ago,
all drugs are legal?
182
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,490
[all laugh]
183
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,323
- Because today,
we're celebrating.
184
00:06:07,406 --> 00:06:09,531
We have an eternity to figure
out what happens next,
185
00:06:09,615 --> 00:06:10,657
but right now,
186
00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:12,865
we have no jobs,
no taxes to pay...
187
00:06:12,948 --> 00:06:14,698
- We don't have
any mediocre white men
188
00:06:14,782 --> 00:06:15,948
getting promoted over us!
189
00:06:16,031 --> 00:06:17,657
- We don't have Sallie Mae
calling me all the time
190
00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,031
like I'm fucking her man.
191
00:06:19,114 --> 00:06:20,989
[laughter]
- No police.
192
00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:22,031
- What?
193
00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:23,073
- You know what?
194
00:06:23,156 --> 00:06:24,698
This is a celebration, okay?
195
00:06:24,782 --> 00:06:26,531
- [gulps, smacks lips]
196
00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:28,615
[tense music]
197
00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:29,989
Uh-oh.
198
00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,573
- [exhales]
199
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,073
- Whoo!
Follow me!
200
00:06:33,156 --> 00:06:35,073
♪ ♪
201
00:06:35,156 --> 00:06:36,740
[shimmering tones]
- [gasps]
202
00:06:36,823 --> 00:06:38,740
[splutters, laughs]
- Holy shit.
203
00:06:38,823 --> 00:06:41,365
- Your dildo to alcohol ratio
is all off.
204
00:06:41,448 --> 00:06:43,865
- I know.
I should've packed more dildos.
205
00:06:43,948 --> 00:06:44,948
- [laughs]
206
00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:46,365
- Don't laugh.
207
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,740
Don't look at me
like I'm the only one
208
00:06:48,823 --> 00:06:51,782
with weird stuff in my ba--
matter of fact, you,
209
00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:53,698
what's in your--
what's in your bag, Ashley?
210
00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:55,406
♪ ♪
211
00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:57,239
[laughter]
212
00:06:57,323 --> 00:06:58,573
- [laughs] Oh.
- Oh.
213
00:06:58,657 --> 00:07:01,156
- That did not go well for you.
214
00:07:01,239 --> 00:07:02,823
- You opened up
the wrong suitcase, okay?
215
00:07:02,907 --> 00:07:04,531
Everyone knows
Robin's the freak.
216
00:07:04,615 --> 00:07:05,740
- Uh-uh!
217
00:07:05,823 --> 00:07:06,740
♪ ♪
218
00:07:06,823 --> 00:07:09,073
[device beeps]
- Damn, Robin.
219
00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:10,989
Can I get a Vicodin
with a side of IV?
220
00:07:11,073 --> 00:07:12,698
- Quinta,
stop eye-fucking my bag!
221
00:07:12,782 --> 00:07:13,907
Besides,
222
00:07:13,989 --> 00:07:16,156
you probably got a whole
fucking Burning Man in yours.
223
00:07:16,239 --> 00:07:18,907
♪ ♪
224
00:07:18,989 --> 00:07:20,406
- [gasps]
- Yep.
225
00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,448
I stand correct.
226
00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:22,615
- It's just the essentials.
227
00:07:22,698 --> 00:07:25,114
- All these pills
and no panties.
228
00:07:25,198 --> 00:07:26,323
Great.
229
00:07:26,406 --> 00:07:27,490
None of y'all know how to pack,
230
00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:28,948
so you're all gonna be trying
to borrow my stuff
231
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,031
the whole time.
232
00:07:30,114 --> 00:07:31,156
- No, we're not.
233
00:07:31,239 --> 00:07:32,948
Oh, shoot.
I forgot my head scarf.
234
00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:34,657
Ashley,
do you have a extra?
235
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:37,156
- [laughs] No,
because I don't wear a scarf.
236
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,782
- Hmm?
237
00:07:38,865 --> 00:07:40,406
- Uh...
238
00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:42,615
because you sleep in a bonnet?
239
00:07:42,698 --> 00:07:43,782
- [laughs]
- No.
240
00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:44,865
I just don't cover
my hair at night.
241
00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:46,406
- What the fuck
is wrong with you?
242
00:07:46,490 --> 00:07:47,531
- What?
243
00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:51,281
[violins playing
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"]
244
00:07:51,365 --> 00:07:53,406
- Do you, Chris,
take Lachel
245
00:07:53,490 --> 00:07:56,239
to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
246
00:07:57,031 --> 00:07:58,198
- [suggestively]
Do I?
247
00:07:58,281 --> 00:08:00,448
[laughter]
248
00:08:00,531 --> 00:08:02,782
- [laughs] Okay.
Very cute.
249
00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:04,490
The answer, son, is "I do."
250
00:08:04,573 --> 00:08:05,948
- [scoffs] Fo' sho'!
Look at her.
251
00:08:06,031 --> 00:08:08,239
Mmm, fine ass.
[guests laugh]
252
00:08:08,323 --> 00:08:09,156
- Sorry.
253
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,989
You need to say
the phrase "I do."
254
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:12,114
Just to make it legal.
255
00:08:12,198 --> 00:08:13,740
- Oh, I got you.
Ask me again.
256
00:08:13,823 --> 00:08:15,657
- Do you, Chris,
take Lachel
257
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,490
to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
258
00:08:17,573 --> 00:08:19,114
- Don't I.
- Not quite.
259
00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,073
- I don't.
260
00:08:20,156 --> 00:08:21,989
Hah! Just kidding.
Of course I can.
261
00:08:22,073 --> 00:08:23,114
- Babe, come on.
262
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:24,031
- Just say, "I do."
263
00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:25,490
- Y'all ain't gotta rush
a nigga.
264
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:26,823
[chuckles]
265
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,573
- Look, we only have this place
for 45 minutes.
266
00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:31,114
Then they're having
a hair show.
267
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,281
- Okay.
268
00:08:32,365 --> 00:08:33,823
- Look, babe...
- Huh?
269
00:08:33,907 --> 00:08:35,948
- We're--we're almost there,
okay?
270
00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:36,907
You love me, right?
271
00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,490
- Yeah,
I got love for you, babe.
272
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:40,323
- Okay.
Then just say, "I do."
273
00:08:40,406 --> 00:08:41,907
- A'ight.
274
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,657
I...
275
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:44,823
[stammers]
276
00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:46,448
[awkward music]
277
00:08:46,531 --> 00:08:48,031
[vocalizes
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"]
278
00:08:48,114 --> 00:08:49,323
[beatboxing]
279
00:08:49,406 --> 00:08:50,782
♪ Boom! D-d-bam! ♪
We good.
280
00:08:50,865 --> 00:08:53,156
- "Bam." We ain't.
Chris, it's not hard to say.
281
00:08:53,239 --> 00:08:54,698
- I mean,
it goes without saying.
282
00:08:54,782 --> 00:08:56,114
- It very much does not.
283
00:08:56,198 --> 00:08:57,573
- A'ight.
Hold on.
284
00:08:57,657 --> 00:08:59,198
[clears throat]
Y'all hot?
285
00:08:59,281 --> 00:09:00,448
Is it hot?
No?
286
00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:01,448
Yeah?
It's just me?
287
00:09:01,531 --> 00:09:02,989
Hoo!
- Chris.
288
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:05,031
Quit playing and just say it,
God damn it.
289
00:09:05,114 --> 00:09:06,198
- "It, God damn it."
[snickers]
290
00:09:06,281 --> 00:09:07,198
[guests jeer]
291
00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:08,156
Why y'all booing?
292
00:09:08,239 --> 00:09:09,198
- Settle down!
Settle down.
293
00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:10,281
I'll handle this.
294
00:09:10,365 --> 00:09:11,531
Now, young man,
295
00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:12,531
you got this.
296
00:09:12,615 --> 00:09:14,531
We're just gonna slow it down.
297
00:09:14,615 --> 00:09:15,865
Do...
- Uh-huh.
298
00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:17,156
- You, Chris...
- Me, Chris.
299
00:09:17,239 --> 00:09:18,865
- Take Lachel...
- I know her.
300
00:09:18,948 --> 00:09:20,156
- To be...
- She cool.
301
00:09:20,239 --> 00:09:21,740
- Your lawfully...
- I'm saying, though...
302
00:09:21,823 --> 00:09:22,698
- Wedded...
303
00:09:22,782 --> 00:09:24,740
- That's a funny word.
- Wife.
304
00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:27,198
[tense music]
305
00:09:27,281 --> 00:09:29,615
- [stammers]
306
00:09:29,698 --> 00:09:30,865
I mean, I fucks with her!
307
00:09:30,948 --> 00:09:31,907
- [gasps]
- You know what?
308
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,323
- Hard, though!
Heavy!
309
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,406
I fucks witchu!
310
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:35,573
Baby, I fucks witchu!
311
00:09:35,657 --> 00:09:36,573
- Son!
Son.
312
00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:37,740
If you don't say, "I do,"
313
00:09:37,823 --> 00:09:39,490
you're gonna lose
your beautiful wife.
314
00:09:39,573 --> 00:09:41,823
[quietly] Now, do you wanna tap
that ass tonight or not?
315
00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:42,782
- I do!
316
00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,657
[guests gasp]
317
00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,156
[polite applause]
318
00:09:47,239 --> 00:09:48,156
- [giggling]
319
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,281
- I do.
Get back.
320
00:09:49,365 --> 00:09:50,239
You know I was playing,
321
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,448
'cause I be playing like that.
322
00:09:51,531 --> 00:09:53,323
Just tryna keep you in...
[inhales] Sustpense.
323
00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:54,406
Playing witchu.
- Thank you, Pastor.
324
00:09:54,490 --> 00:09:55,615
- Oh, you need to thank Jesus,
325
00:09:55,698 --> 00:09:57,573
'cause that was nothing short
of a miracle.
326
00:09:57,657 --> 00:09:58,573
Now...
- Okay.
327
00:09:58,657 --> 00:10:00,239
- Do you, Lachel,
328
00:10:00,323 --> 00:10:03,198
take Chris to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
329
00:10:03,281 --> 00:10:05,073
- I do!
- Ooh, that's great.
330
00:10:05,156 --> 00:10:06,989
To have and to hold?
331
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,239
- Wait a minute.
332
00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:09,782
What's the difference
between having and holding?
333
00:10:09,865 --> 00:10:11,198
- From this day forward?
334
00:10:11,281 --> 00:10:12,198
- Like, this day,
335
00:10:12,281 --> 00:10:13,740
or the "day forward,"
like tomorrow?
336
00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,740
Because it's already tomorrow
in Japan,
337
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:16,782
if you think about it.
338
00:10:16,865 --> 00:10:18,114
- For better or for worse?
339
00:10:18,198 --> 00:10:20,573
- Oh. I mean,
does anyone pick "worse"?
340
00:10:20,657 --> 00:10:22,865
- In... [stammers]
For richer or for poorer?
341
00:10:22,948 --> 00:10:24,573
- Again, who are these people
picking "poorer"?
342
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,406
- In sickness or in health?
343
00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,448
- Uh! How sick?
How'd he get sick?
344
00:10:28,531 --> 00:10:29,531
Is his throat itching?
345
00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:30,740
'Cause then
I'm tryna understand
346
00:10:30,823 --> 00:10:32,365
why this Negro's throat
is itching.
347
00:10:32,448 --> 00:10:33,657
- [screams]
Oh, you two!
348
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,156
You deserve each other.
349
00:10:35,239 --> 00:10:38,406
Just be man and wife.
You are pronounced!
350
00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:39,573
[huffs]
351
00:10:39,657 --> 00:10:41,573
- You heard that, baby?
both: We pronounced.
352
00:10:41,657 --> 00:10:43,323
- We did it, girl.
- We married.
353
00:10:43,406 --> 00:10:44,281
- Bam! We did it.
- Yeah.
354
00:10:44,365 --> 00:10:46,031
This is black love, right here.
355
00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,782
[laughs]
Thank you.
356
00:10:47,865 --> 00:10:49,114
- I don't know.
- Thank you.
357
00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:50,989
Bye!
358
00:10:51,073 --> 00:10:52,740
- Oh, shit!
359
00:10:52,823 --> 00:10:55,740
"Hair" goes the bride!
360
00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:58,406
- So no scarf?
361
00:10:58,490 --> 00:10:59,365
At all?
362
00:10:59,448 --> 00:11:00,323
Like a--a black chick
363
00:11:00,406 --> 00:11:01,823
on a TV show
written by white people?
364
00:11:01,907 --> 00:11:03,365
- I get headaches very easily.
365
00:11:03,448 --> 00:11:04,823
- Unnecessary pain
is an important part
366
00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:06,031
of being a black woman.
367
00:11:06,114 --> 00:11:07,657
Everybody knows that.
- No.
368
00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:09,239
- Ashley, what happened
to the satin pillowcase
369
00:11:09,323 --> 00:11:10,490
I got you for your birthday?
370
00:11:10,573 --> 00:11:11,740
- Ooh, I had to let that go,
okay?
371
00:11:11,823 --> 00:11:13,365
It was like sleeping
on a roller coaster.
372
00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:15,156
- What about your moisture?
Your edges?
373
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:16,156
Your crown, bitch?
374
00:11:16,239 --> 00:11:17,615
- I rarely put heat on my hair,
375
00:11:17,698 --> 00:11:19,698
I use Carol's Daughter's
moisturizing spray
376
00:11:19,782 --> 00:11:21,073
and Mixed Chicks' leave-in
377
00:11:21,156 --> 00:11:23,198
and DevaCurl stretching cream,
and that's just every day.
378
00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:25,239
That's not even including
my wash day products, which--
379
00:11:25,323 --> 00:11:26,490
- Wait.
380
00:11:26,573 --> 00:11:28,198
[electronic music]
381
00:11:28,281 --> 00:11:29,323
- [gasps]
- Ooh!
382
00:11:29,406 --> 00:11:30,448
- There it is.
- Mm-mm-mm.
383
00:11:30,531 --> 00:11:32,740
You wouldn't need to use
a whole Sally's Beauty
384
00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:34,323
if you wrapped
your hair at night.
385
00:11:34,406 --> 00:11:36,740
- Do you know the lengths I go
through to protect my hair?
386
00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:37,989
- It's true.
She sleeps in a wig.
387
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,573
- What?
- Ashley, a story.
388
00:11:40,657 --> 00:11:41,531
- Ooh.
389
00:11:41,615 --> 00:11:42,531
- When I lost my edges,
390
00:11:42,615 --> 00:11:44,573
I had to rub Monistat
on my shit
391
00:11:44,657 --> 00:11:46,782
for six months
to grow them back.
392
00:11:46,865 --> 00:11:49,031
- It's true.
I remember that.
393
00:11:49,114 --> 00:11:51,490
- You are disrespecting
your hair.
394
00:11:51,573 --> 00:11:54,531
- I'm sorry, are we all just
ignoring the Monistat thing?
395
00:11:54,615 --> 00:11:55,989
both: Yes.
- I was hoping we would.
396
00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:57,156
- All right?
397
00:11:57,239 --> 00:11:58,531
Girl, she got the--
- Ooh, the good stuff.
398
00:11:58,615 --> 00:12:00,031
- This is not a grocery store.
Stop it.
399
00:12:00,114 --> 00:12:01,907
- Got Hair Milk in here.
- This is mine!
400
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,448
- Ooh, is that a pick?
- A pick!
401
00:12:04,281 --> 00:12:07,490
[shop bell jingles,
light music plays]
402
00:12:07,573 --> 00:12:09,698
[exciting music building]
403
00:12:09,782 --> 00:12:16,823
♪ ♪
404
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,615
[door clatters]
405
00:12:29,698 --> 00:12:32,948
[shop bell jingles,
light music plays]
406
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,114
- Oh, fuck.
It's a trap.
407
00:12:37,198 --> 00:12:39,239
- You work here, right?
408
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:40,573
- You know what?
I just need help.
409
00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:42,073
I don't know
if you have a small...
410
00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:43,615
[overlapping voices]
- Something, like, casual...
411
00:12:43,698 --> 00:12:45,156
- Since I had these kids,
it's just not sitting like...
412
00:12:45,239 --> 00:12:47,156
- Can you help?
- Damn, girl, you're good.
413
00:12:47,239 --> 00:12:50,198
[exciting music]
414
00:12:50,281 --> 00:12:57,323
♪ ♪
415
00:12:58,573 --> 00:13:01,073
Uh, you--I just came up here
416
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,740
to smoke a cigarette, so...
417
00:13:06,448 --> 00:13:07,573
[exhales]
418
00:13:07,657 --> 00:13:11,114
- [laughs creepily]
419
00:13:11,198 --> 00:13:14,114
Oh, that the best you can do?
420
00:13:14,198 --> 00:13:18,073
And I'd heard such good things
about your CIA training...
421
00:13:18,156 --> 00:13:20,073
Trinity.
422
00:13:20,156 --> 00:13:22,198
[guns click]
423
00:13:22,281 --> 00:13:24,156
Now putting a bullet
through your brain
424
00:13:24,239 --> 00:13:26,114
so I can see through it
like a peephole
425
00:13:26,198 --> 00:13:28,281
won't be as fun.
426
00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,490
Hey.
Knock-knock.
427
00:13:31,573 --> 00:13:32,531
- Who's there?
428
00:13:32,615 --> 00:13:33,740
- No one,
429
00:13:33,823 --> 00:13:35,448
'cause you're dead.
430
00:13:35,531 --> 00:13:37,573
♪ ♪
431
00:13:37,657 --> 00:13:38,657
- Wait.
[laughs]
432
00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:39,782
You know what?
I'm sorry.
433
00:13:39,865 --> 00:13:40,865
You are so hot,
434
00:13:40,948 --> 00:13:42,657
I'm honestly
having trouble focusing.
435
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:44,948
This has never happened before.
436
00:13:45,031 --> 00:13:46,490
- Mm.
437
00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:47,823
Has this?
438
00:13:47,907 --> 00:13:49,823
♪ ♪
439
00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:52,198
[dramatic musical sting]
440
00:13:53,573 --> 00:13:56,531
[unsettling music]
441
00:13:56,615 --> 00:14:03,490
♪ ♪
442
00:14:03,573 --> 00:14:04,989
Perfect timing.
443
00:14:05,073 --> 00:14:08,323
I just used your CIA login
444
00:14:08,406 --> 00:14:09,907
to obtain the codes.
445
00:14:09,989 --> 00:14:10,989
- Let me guess:
446
00:14:11,073 --> 00:14:13,239
you seduced someone
into giving it to you?
447
00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:14,448
Pathetic.
448
00:14:14,531 --> 00:14:15,907
- I'm pathetic?
449
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,156
I'm the one who's selling
450
00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:19,198
America's nuclear codes
to Russia,
451
00:14:19,281 --> 00:14:22,281
and you're the one
who's tied to a chair!
452
00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:23,823
Like a baby.
453
00:14:23,907 --> 00:14:25,698
A kidnapped baby...
454
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:26,907
I guess.
455
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,073
Sorry, it's been a while
456
00:14:29,156 --> 00:14:30,531
since I've done
a villain speech.
457
00:14:30,615 --> 00:14:31,740
I took a break to have a baby,
458
00:14:31,823 --> 00:14:33,989
and now I can't stop thinking
about my baby.
459
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:36,073
- That's what your body
looks like after a baby?
460
00:14:36,156 --> 00:14:37,448
Oh, fuck off.
461
00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:38,657
[chair creaks]
462
00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,615
You'll never get away
with this.
463
00:14:40,698 --> 00:14:43,281
- Who's gonna stop me?
You?
464
00:14:43,365 --> 00:14:46,989
You have no idea
how much I hate you, Trinity.
465
00:14:48,114 --> 00:14:50,740
I've been plotting
your demise for months.
466
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,865
- Sounds like somebody's
obsessed with me.
467
00:14:52,948 --> 00:14:54,031
- Every day,
468
00:14:54,114 --> 00:14:55,573
I wake up,
469
00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:58,823
look at your picture and say...
470
00:14:58,907 --> 00:15:00,573
"One day,
471
00:15:00,657 --> 00:15:03,031
I'm gonna kill that woman."
472
00:15:03,114 --> 00:15:05,281
But tomorrow...
[inhales shakily]
473
00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,073
I'm gonna wake up and say,
474
00:15:08,156 --> 00:15:09,740
"Yesterday,
475
00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:11,865
I killed that woman."
476
00:15:11,948 --> 00:15:13,573
[laughs]
477
00:15:13,657 --> 00:15:15,907
[device beeps quietly]
478
00:15:15,989 --> 00:15:18,740
Now it's time for you to die.
479
00:15:18,823 --> 00:15:21,865
My baby and I have
a flight to catch.
480
00:15:21,948 --> 00:15:22,989
[laughs]
481
00:15:23,073 --> 00:15:25,698
She's gonna cry
the whole time.
482
00:15:25,782 --> 00:15:28,907
♪ ♪
483
00:15:28,989 --> 00:15:31,657
- You just ran
into some turbulence.
484
00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:34,406
[intense music]
485
00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:37,615
- [cackling]
486
00:15:39,031 --> 00:15:41,615
[cackling intensifies]
487
00:15:41,698 --> 00:15:42,823
Hah!
488
00:15:42,907 --> 00:15:44,365
Hah! Hah!
[Velcro rips]
489
00:15:44,448 --> 00:15:47,531
[continues cackling]
490
00:15:50,698 --> 00:15:52,657
Surprise, bitch.
491
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:53,698
- What?
492
00:15:53,782 --> 00:15:55,323
But I saved you.
493
00:15:55,406 --> 00:15:56,531
I let you go.
494
00:15:56,615 --> 00:15:58,114
- You ruined me.
495
00:15:58,198 --> 00:16:01,281
- So you could go clean.
I was being nice.
496
00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:03,948
- I like being a criminal.
497
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,615
It's more fun,
498
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,989
and the pay is better.
499
00:16:07,073 --> 00:16:08,782
I used to hide in plain sight.
500
00:16:08,865 --> 00:16:11,365
That was my thing,
but you outed me!
501
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,281
I had to pretend
to be someone I wasn't,
502
00:16:13,365 --> 00:16:14,657
and I hated it.
503
00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:18,698
♪ ♪
504
00:16:18,782 --> 00:16:19,865
[grunts]
505
00:16:19,948 --> 00:16:23,406
- You looked amazing.
- It was very uncomfortable.
506
00:16:23,490 --> 00:16:24,448
Let's face it:
507
00:16:24,531 --> 00:16:26,406
neither of us can live
if the other survives.
508
00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:29,823
♪ ♪
509
00:16:29,907 --> 00:16:31,073
[yelps]
510
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,156
♪ ♪
511
00:16:33,239 --> 00:16:34,989
- [grunts]
512
00:16:35,073 --> 00:16:37,531
♪ ♪
513
00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:39,490
[both grunting]
514
00:16:39,573 --> 00:16:40,782
- [yelps]
515
00:16:40,865 --> 00:16:43,406
[police sirens blaring]
Ah!
516
00:16:43,490 --> 00:16:45,490
- That's the sound
of the good guys winning...
517
00:16:45,573 --> 00:16:47,698
again.
518
00:16:47,782 --> 00:16:48,657
men: Stand down!
519
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,448
- Stand down!
- Stand down!
520
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:51,823
- Trinity, we got your message.
521
00:16:51,907 --> 00:16:53,323
Where's the Recluse?
522
00:16:53,406 --> 00:16:55,323
- Uh, she's right there.
523
00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:57,156
- Where?
524
00:16:57,239 --> 00:17:00,365
- Oh, I'll be out
of your hair in a minute.
525
00:17:00,448 --> 00:17:01,740
[giggles]
526
00:17:01,823 --> 00:17:03,073
- Uh, janitor, ma'am?
- Uh-huh?
527
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,365
- This is official
government business.
528
00:17:04,448 --> 00:17:06,114
Please leave.
- Oh! [stammers]
529
00:17:06,198 --> 00:17:07,615
- This is the Recluse.
I subdued her.
530
00:17:07,698 --> 00:17:08,490
both: Hey.
531
00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:09,823
- We need to get you
back to HQ.
532
00:17:09,907 --> 00:17:11,448
You need a psych eval.
533
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,989
- [sighs]
534
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,198
Can you at least tell me
535
00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:16,281
what brand waist trainer
that was?
536
00:17:16,365 --> 00:17:17,740
Please!
537
00:17:17,823 --> 00:17:18,948
- No.
538
00:17:22,948 --> 00:17:24,490
[feedback squeaks]
539
00:17:24,573 --> 00:17:25,490
- [pops tongue]
540
00:17:25,573 --> 00:17:28,114
[New York accent]
It's the Basic Ball!
541
00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:33,573
A ball for the rest
of the LGBT-cuties.
542
00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:37,365
And tonight,
we all serve ferocity,
543
00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:41,865
whether you're Mother Exhausted
from the House of Tired
544
00:17:41,948 --> 00:17:44,323
or one of the eternal children
545
00:17:44,406 --> 00:17:47,198
of the House of Forever 21,
546
00:17:47,281 --> 00:17:49,615
y'all better bring it!
547
00:17:49,698 --> 00:17:50,782
The category is
548
00:17:50,865 --> 00:17:52,531
Clinical Depression.
549
00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:55,823
For all my children serving
chemical imbalance realness--
550
00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:57,031
that's right--
551
00:17:57,114 --> 00:17:59,239
make your way to the floor
if you can.
552
00:17:59,323 --> 00:18:00,740
You are tired!
553
00:18:00,823 --> 00:18:03,448
You are unmedicated
for the gods!
554
00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:05,406
[crowd cheers]
555
00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:06,573
Walk for the judges.
556
00:18:06,657 --> 00:18:09,156
Now vogue.
557
00:18:09,239 --> 00:18:10,740
Oh, I see you eating carbs.
558
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:11,865
I see you.
559
00:18:11,948 --> 00:18:14,698
I see you, too depressed
to leave the house.
560
00:18:14,782 --> 00:18:16,239
I'm looking for sadness.
561
00:18:16,323 --> 00:18:17,865
I'm looking for Eeyore
562
00:18:17,948 --> 00:18:19,281
in Dior.
563
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,740
♪ ♪
564
00:18:21,823 --> 00:18:23,448
Oh, she is serving you
565
00:18:23,531 --> 00:18:25,323
a whole nap!
566
00:18:25,406 --> 00:18:30,323
Bitch is in full deep REM sleep
on the floor.
567
00:18:30,406 --> 00:18:31,740
Judges, your scores.
568
00:18:31,823 --> 00:18:34,657
Ten, ten, ten.
569
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,698
Diagnosis:
it's depression.
570
00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:42,948
The next category is
Barbecue Daddies.
571
00:18:43,031 --> 00:18:45,948
Come through,
barbecue daddies!
572
00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:47,031
Oh, yes.
573
00:18:47,114 --> 00:18:48,281
I have two daddies,
574
00:18:48,365 --> 00:18:51,239
and they are serving me
leather and linen.
575
00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:52,406
They're serving me
576
00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:54,406
"Let's argue
about routes to work."
577
00:18:54,490 --> 00:18:56,239
"I take the 405 to PHC."
578
00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:58,448
"Oh, I just stay on Cahuenga
the whole way down."
579
00:18:58,531 --> 00:18:59,365
You'll gag.
580
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:03,031
They are cookout ready, Betty.
581
00:19:03,114 --> 00:19:05,156
Oh, he didn't start the grill
582
00:19:05,239 --> 00:19:06,698
until everybody showed up,
583
00:19:06,782 --> 00:19:09,114
and now you won't be eating
till nighttime.
584
00:19:09,198 --> 00:19:10,448
He's late.
585
00:19:10,531 --> 00:19:11,865
He's basic as fuck.
586
00:19:11,948 --> 00:19:14,114
It's breathtaking.
You better work.
587
00:19:14,198 --> 00:19:17,281
♪ ♪
588
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,657
- ♪ Damn ♪
589
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,365
[crowd cheering]
Oh!
590
00:19:20,448 --> 00:19:25,657
He is "passing out matching
shirts at the family reunion"
591
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:27,823
barbecue realness.
592
00:19:27,907 --> 00:19:30,406
Layers, judges.
Layers!
593
00:19:30,490 --> 00:19:32,031
Serving "mispronouncing
594
00:19:32,114 --> 00:19:34,823
all of your friends' names
wrong" realness.
595
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:39,323
Serving "calls your friend
Tuh-rell your friend Tie-rell."
596
00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:41,657
Judges, your cards, please.
597
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,782
Ten, nine, nine.
598
00:19:43,865 --> 00:19:44,948
Family reunion daddy,
599
00:19:45,031 --> 00:19:47,531
grab your trophy.
600
00:19:47,615 --> 00:19:49,156
Running Errands.
601
00:19:49,239 --> 00:19:52,531
The next category
is Running Errands.
602
00:19:52,615 --> 00:19:55,989
Oh, did you remember
your reusable canvas bag?
603
00:19:56,073 --> 00:19:57,740
I'm having all of it.
604
00:19:57,823 --> 00:19:59,156
Oh, work, girl.
605
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,031
She has all the receipts.
606
00:20:01,114 --> 00:20:03,531
Yes, she knows
the return policy,
607
00:20:03,615 --> 00:20:07,114
and she will not take
store credit, baby.
608
00:20:07,198 --> 00:20:08,031
Oh, yes.
609
00:20:08,114 --> 00:20:09,031
She's running a quick errand
610
00:20:09,114 --> 00:20:10,365
and didn't think
anyone would see her,
611
00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:11,531
but--uh-oh!
Uh-oh!
612
00:20:11,615 --> 00:20:12,989
You ran into your boss.
613
00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:15,782
Now he knows
you don't have eyebrows, bitch.
614
00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:17,323
[crowd cheering]
615
00:20:17,406 --> 00:20:19,698
She is serving you
a full Whoopi Goldberg.
616
00:20:19,782 --> 00:20:22,490
Judges, your scores, please.
617
00:20:22,573 --> 00:20:24,531
Ten. Ten.
618
00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:26,698
Tens across the board.
619
00:20:26,782 --> 00:20:30,490
And now, it's time
for the grand finale.
620
00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:31,698
The category is
621
00:20:31,782 --> 00:20:34,698
Just Awkward in the Body.
622
00:20:34,782 --> 00:20:36,490
Oh,
there's nothing wrong with you;
623
00:20:36,573 --> 00:20:39,823
you're just
awkward in the body.
624
00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:42,073
Yes, oh, you are so awkward.
625
00:20:42,156 --> 00:20:43,698
Oh, you are serving me
626
00:20:43,782 --> 00:20:46,365
"we both said good-bye,
but now we're walking
627
00:20:46,448 --> 00:20:48,490
in the same direction"
awkwardness.
628
00:20:48,573 --> 00:20:51,490
Oh! The waiter just said,
"Enjoy your meal,"
629
00:20:51,573 --> 00:20:53,698
and this bitch said,
"You too."
630
00:20:53,782 --> 00:20:54,740
"You too"!
631
00:20:54,823 --> 00:20:55,865
[shoes click]
632
00:20:55,948 --> 00:20:58,114
Bitch, he's not eating.
He's at work.
633
00:20:58,198 --> 00:21:00,615
Oh, my God!
634
00:21:00,698 --> 00:21:02,073
The try-hardiness!
635
00:21:02,156 --> 00:21:04,989
Yes!
She's the queen of awkwardness!
636
00:21:05,073 --> 00:21:06,615
[crowd cheering]
637
00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:07,740
Judges.
638
00:21:07,823 --> 00:21:09,114
Ten.
Shut up.
639
00:21:09,198 --> 00:21:10,657
Ten.
640
00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:13,657
Tens across the board.
Oh!
641
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,198
And that's the walk
of the night.
642
00:21:16,281 --> 00:21:18,073
[echoing slam]
Yes!
643
00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:19,198
- [grunts]
644
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:21,490
Now...
645
00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:23,239
I'll be able to sleep tonight.
646
00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:25,782
Whoo! [laughs]
- No. Guys, what are we doing?
647
00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:27,156
Just because sleeping
in a scarf
648
00:21:27,239 --> 00:21:28,281
is our idea of blackness
649
00:21:28,365 --> 00:21:29,615
doesn't mean it has to be hers.
650
00:21:29,698 --> 00:21:31,615
- Uh, yes, it does.
- No.
651
00:21:31,698 --> 00:21:34,823
There is no right way
to be black.
652
00:21:34,907 --> 00:21:36,281
I don't eat chicken.
653
00:21:36,365 --> 00:21:37,239
- What?
- How? Why?
654
00:21:37,323 --> 00:21:38,531
- Why?
Chicken is delicious.
655
00:21:38,615 --> 00:21:39,989
- But it's chicken.
- Okay, you know what?
656
00:21:40,073 --> 00:21:42,073
Actually, that's fair.
[inhales]
657
00:21:43,114 --> 00:21:44,365
I don't like
"The Five Heartbeats."
658
00:21:44,448 --> 00:21:45,323
- What?
- Whoa.
659
00:21:45,406 --> 00:21:46,365
- What is wrong with you?
- I don't.
660
00:21:46,448 --> 00:21:47,823
I don't think
Leon's interesting.
661
00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,281
- Do your eyes and ears work?
- I don't know what to tell you.
662
00:21:49,365 --> 00:21:51,323
Pussy work?
- What is wrong with you?
663
00:21:51,406 --> 00:21:53,490
- Okay, honestly, though,
since... [exhales]
664
00:21:53,573 --> 00:21:55,114
We're having truth time,
665
00:21:55,198 --> 00:21:56,782
I...
666
00:21:56,865 --> 00:21:58,490
do not wear lotion.
667
00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:00,782
- Wait, I'm sorry.
668
00:22:00,865 --> 00:22:01,782
Hold on, hold on.
What?
669
00:22:01,865 --> 00:22:03,448
- I mean, you know,
I just don't...
670
00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,239
I don't like how it feels,
like, when I sweat.
671
00:22:05,323 --> 00:22:06,823
- Oh, you said lotion?
- Yes, lotion.
672
00:22:06,907 --> 00:22:08,239
- Oh, no.
Fuck that.
673
00:22:10,073 --> 00:22:13,948
[light music]
674
00:22:17,073 --> 00:22:18,365
[creepy musical sting]
675
00:22:18,448 --> 00:22:19,490
- Morning, Fatimah.
676
00:22:19,573 --> 00:22:22,323
I lost my favorite coffee mug
last Friday.
677
00:22:22,406 --> 00:22:23,989
It's a white mug
that says "Killin' It."
678
00:22:24,073 --> 00:22:25,114
Has anyone returned it?
679
00:22:25,198 --> 00:22:26,823
- Ooh, girl, you lost your cup?
680
00:22:26,907 --> 00:22:27,989
Not on my watch.
681
00:22:28,073 --> 00:22:29,365
Let's review
the security footage
682
00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:30,948
from your office.
683
00:22:32,573 --> 00:22:33,740
- [chuckles awkwardly]
684
00:22:34,782 --> 00:22:36,114
Uh, there's a camera
in my office?
685
00:22:36,198 --> 00:22:38,323
- Ooh, yeah, girl.
I seent all your business.
686
00:22:38,406 --> 00:22:40,031
[laughs]
I'm playing.
687
00:22:40,114 --> 00:22:41,156
We never review the footage
688
00:22:41,239 --> 00:22:42,740
unless we're looking
for something specific.
689
00:22:42,823 --> 00:22:43,740
- Mm.
- Like today.
690
00:22:43,823 --> 00:22:45,198
Or when I'm keeping an eye
691
00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:46,490
on all my office dips.
692
00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:48,239
They cannot be talking
to each other.
693
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:49,865
You know what
I'm talking about?
694
00:22:49,948 --> 00:22:52,198
It's a lot of 'em.
- [chuckles]
695
00:22:52,281 --> 00:22:53,615
Oh, well, then,
it's just a mug.
696
00:22:53,698 --> 00:22:55,323
Don't worry about it.
It's fine.
697
00:22:55,406 --> 00:22:57,615
- Rewind!
698
00:22:57,698 --> 00:22:59,615
[audio squeaking rapidly]
699
00:22:59,698 --> 00:23:02,114
Okay, here we are.
Last Friday.
700
00:23:02,198 --> 00:23:03,448
- [gasps]
701
00:23:04,698 --> 00:23:06,573
Oh!
There's my mug.
702
00:23:06,657 --> 00:23:07,948
Ugh.
Thank you, girl.
703
00:23:08,031 --> 00:23:09,448
I know you have
more important things to do.
704
00:23:09,531 --> 00:23:10,823
- You know what?
I don't.
705
00:23:10,907 --> 00:23:13,198
Besides, if we don't look out
for each other, who will?
706
00:23:13,281 --> 00:23:14,490
- [chuckles]
707
00:23:14,573 --> 00:23:17,198
Ugh, look at me
filing my nails at work.
708
00:23:17,281 --> 00:23:18,156
How embarrassing.
709
00:23:18,239 --> 00:23:19,448
- Uh-uh.
Don't be embarrassed.
710
00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,406
One time, I took my braids out
right here at this desk.
711
00:23:21,490 --> 00:23:22,698
I respect your hustle.
712
00:23:22,782 --> 00:23:23,907
- [chuckles]
713
00:23:25,615 --> 00:23:28,073
[intriguing music]
714
00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,198
♪ ♪
715
00:23:30,281 --> 00:23:31,323
- Hmm.
716
00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:34,782
- Oops! Oh, no.
Oh, God.
717
00:23:34,865 --> 00:23:36,406
Well, we should turn that off
718
00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:37,698
and focus on cleaning this up
over here.
719
00:23:37,782 --> 00:23:39,823
- Mm-mm, girl. I got no business
tryna act healthy.
720
00:23:39,907 --> 00:23:41,406
What are you doing, though?
721
00:23:41,490 --> 00:23:42,406
[mouths]
722
00:23:42,490 --> 00:23:43,406
♪ ♪
723
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:46,323
- I was just Lysoling my desk.
724
00:23:46,406 --> 00:23:48,989
Kathy had been by
with her sickly ass,
725
00:23:49,073 --> 00:23:49,907
and you know what?
726
00:23:49,989 --> 00:23:51,031
We should go give her
a flu shot
727
00:23:51,114 --> 00:23:53,073
instead of watching
this footage.
728
00:23:53,156 --> 00:23:57,198
♪ ♪
729
00:23:58,031 --> 00:24:01,490
[ominous music]
730
00:24:01,573 --> 00:24:05,281
♪ ♪
731
00:24:05,365 --> 00:24:06,907
Stop the tape!
[weakly] Stop.
732
00:24:06,989 --> 00:24:08,782
- What are you--
733
00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:10,490
girl, what is you doing?
734
00:24:10,573 --> 00:24:17,448
♪ ♪
735
00:24:17,531 --> 00:24:18,865
[musical sting]
736
00:24:18,948 --> 00:24:20,573
Oh, shit!
737
00:24:20,657 --> 00:24:22,198
- That's not a knife!
738
00:24:23,156 --> 00:24:24,156
Oh.
739
00:24:24,239 --> 00:24:25,531
Ah.
740
00:24:25,615 --> 00:24:30,365
♪ ♪
741
00:24:36,031 --> 00:24:36,989
Wait.
742
00:24:37,073 --> 00:24:38,406
You stole my mug?
743
00:24:38,490 --> 00:24:40,073
- Oh, shit.
It's your girl.
744
00:24:40,156 --> 00:24:42,782
[laughs]
I forgot I stole that shit.
745
00:24:42,865 --> 00:24:44,448
- Mm.
- [laughing]
746
00:24:44,531 --> 00:24:46,323
Oh!
I get it.
747
00:24:46,406 --> 00:24:50,281
Okay, so you wanted to catch me
stealing your mug,
748
00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:51,989
so then you pretended
749
00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:53,865
to murder somebody
in your office.
750
00:24:53,948 --> 00:24:55,531
Ooh, you are clever.
751
00:24:55,615 --> 00:24:56,989
[both chuckle]
752
00:24:57,073 --> 00:24:58,657
- Yes.
753
00:24:58,740 --> 00:24:59,740
I pretended.
754
00:24:59,823 --> 00:25:06,406
♪ ♪
755
00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:16,573
Thanks.
756
00:25:21,198 --> 00:25:22,698
- Hey, Fatimah.
757
00:25:22,782 --> 00:25:24,365
I can't seem to find my mug.
758
00:25:24,448 --> 00:25:25,657
It's, like, forest green.
759
00:25:25,740 --> 00:25:27,365
It says
"Stabbing is My Cardio."
760
00:25:27,448 --> 00:25:28,698
Have you seen it?
761
00:25:28,782 --> 00:25:31,239
♪ ♪
762
00:25:33,239 --> 00:25:35,615
Bitch, you sure?
- Shit!
763
00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:37,365
- You better gag the children.
764
00:26:37,448 --> 00:26:39,698
Is this a burger?
Is it a hockey puck?
765
00:26:39,782 --> 00:26:41,531
I don't know
because you cooked it.
766
00:26:41,615 --> 00:26:43,865
- Y'all need to "hairy" up.
[laughs]
767
00:26:43,948 --> 00:26:45,657
- That your cousin?
- I don't know.
768
00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:47,448
- I like her hair, though.
- Um... [chuckles]
769
00:26:47,531 --> 00:26:48,657
- Can you do your hair
like that?
770
00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:49,698
Like a helicopter?
- Look, Chris--
771
00:26:49,782 --> 00:26:50,698
- What about a train?
- Look--
772
00:26:50,782 --> 00:26:51,740
- Huh?
- I'll think about a train--
773
00:26:51,823 --> 00:26:52,823
- What about
the Empire State Building?
774
00:26:52,907 --> 00:26:53,989
- I could do that.
775
00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:57,073
- Hey, Fatimah.
776
00:26:57,156 --> 00:26:59,281
Can't seem to find my mug.
777
00:26:59,365 --> 00:27:00,782
It's forest green,
778
00:27:00,865 --> 00:27:02,615
says "O.J. Simpson's My Hero"?
779
00:27:02,698 --> 00:27:05,114
- Neither of us can win,
and nobody--
780
00:27:05,198 --> 00:27:07,865
nope, that's not it.
[laughter]
51791
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