All language subtitles for A Black Lady Sketch Show s01e02_English

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,615 --> 00:00:07,156 [TV static drones] 2 00:00:07,239 --> 00:00:09,907 [bright tone] 3 00:00:09,989 --> 00:00:13,073 [phones ringing] 4 00:00:19,782 --> 00:00:21,031 - [whispering] Hey, girl. 5 00:00:21,114 --> 00:00:23,823 - Mm. 9:57 a.m.? 6 00:00:23,907 --> 00:00:25,657 Again, Shayla? [scoffs] 7 00:00:25,740 --> 00:00:27,823 You know, we started calling you Office Lauryn Hill. 8 00:00:27,907 --> 00:00:29,239 - Toni, I'm trying. 9 00:00:29,323 --> 00:00:32,198 It just takes so long to beat this face. 10 00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:33,198 - Then don't. 11 00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:34,657 Girl, you got melanin. 12 00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:37,281 You don't need NARS when you got skin like ours. 13 00:00:37,365 --> 00:00:39,573 - Okay, that's cute for you, Alicia Keys, 14 00:00:39,657 --> 00:00:42,198 but if I don't wear makeup, somebody always asks, 15 00:00:42,281 --> 00:00:44,406 "Are you okay? You look sick." 16 00:00:44,490 --> 00:00:46,657 - Oh, come on. It's not that serious. 17 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:48,365 - It is that serious! 18 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,698 Okay, last time I did not wear makeup, 19 00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:52,698 I got pulled into being a zombie on "The Walking Dead." 20 00:00:52,782 --> 00:00:55,490 Of course, I did make $500, but it hurt my feelings. 21 00:00:55,573 --> 00:00:57,615 - [gasps] Did you get to meet Rick? 22 00:00:57,698 --> 00:00:58,698 'Cause that's cool. 23 00:00:58,782 --> 00:00:59,989 - No, that is not cool, okay? 24 00:01:00,073 --> 00:01:02,114 I don't want people thinking I look like death. 25 00:01:02,198 --> 00:01:03,239 - Oh, well. 26 00:01:03,323 --> 00:01:05,239 It's better than looking unemployed. [laughs] 27 00:01:05,323 --> 00:01:06,531 [clock ticking] 28 00:01:06,615 --> 00:01:08,323 Ooh, Shayla 'bout to get that chop. 29 00:01:08,406 --> 00:01:09,198 [chuckles] 30 00:01:09,281 --> 00:01:11,531 - Look who's here before 9:00 a.m.! 31 00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:12,573 - Well, well-- 32 00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:13,989 goddamn! 33 00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:15,031 [terrifying musical sting] 34 00:01:15,114 --> 00:01:16,823 [gasps] Are you okay? 35 00:01:16,907 --> 00:01:18,531 Who did this to you? 36 00:01:18,615 --> 00:01:19,531 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. 37 00:01:19,615 --> 00:01:21,573 I just don't have makeup on. Okay? 38 00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:23,239 I told you. I knew you would do this. 39 00:01:23,323 --> 00:01:24,531 - Oh, but I didn't know. 40 00:01:24,615 --> 00:01:26,239 How could I have known? Who would have known? 41 00:01:26,323 --> 00:01:27,573 Oh, it was unknowable. 42 00:01:27,657 --> 00:01:30,989 - Well, at least I saved an hour getting ready. 43 00:01:31,073 --> 00:01:33,239 Besides, customers can't see me through the phone. 44 00:01:33,323 --> 00:01:34,281 Who cares? 45 00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:36,531 [receiver clicks] Millstone Coffee Company. 46 00:01:36,615 --> 00:01:39,031 How can I brew up an answer for you? 47 00:01:39,114 --> 00:01:40,907 Sure. Let me place you on a brief hold. 48 00:01:40,989 --> 00:01:41,907 [button clicks] 49 00:01:41,989 --> 00:01:43,907 [whispering] Girl. 50 00:01:43,989 --> 00:01:45,948 You ever steal coffee? 51 00:01:46,031 --> 00:01:47,114 I do. 52 00:01:47,198 --> 00:01:48,657 [speaking loudly] Okay. 53 00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:51,114 Okay, your shipment is on its way. 54 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,406 Aw, well, talk to you later, percolator. 55 00:01:53,490 --> 00:01:55,531 - Oh, goddamn, Shayla. 56 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:56,865 [musical sting] 57 00:01:56,948 --> 00:01:59,073 You look like you just walked out of an ICU! 58 00:01:59,156 --> 00:02:01,615 - Okay, now, see, that's just how you see me. 59 00:02:01,698 --> 00:02:03,490 This is just my natural face. 60 00:02:03,573 --> 00:02:05,198 - Then you explain how that natural IV 61 00:02:05,281 --> 00:02:06,865 is hanging out of your natural arm. 62 00:02:06,948 --> 00:02:08,823 - There's no IV! 63 00:02:08,907 --> 00:02:10,114 - [screams] 64 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,948 That's... [yelps] 65 00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,907 - Now shh. I'm trying to do my work. 66 00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:15,698 I suggest you do the same. 67 00:02:15,782 --> 00:02:18,615 [eerie music] 68 00:02:18,698 --> 00:02:21,573 [device beeping, phone ringing] 69 00:02:21,657 --> 00:02:23,907 Millstone Coffee Company. How have you "bean"? 70 00:02:23,989 --> 00:02:26,448 - [tearfully] Oh, we came as soon as we could, baby. 71 00:02:26,531 --> 00:02:28,615 - Daddy's here, Daddy's here. Oh, my God. 72 00:02:28,698 --> 00:02:31,156 - [gasps] Jesus, please save my friend. 73 00:02:31,239 --> 00:02:32,698 - Oh, Reverend, I'm glad you could come. 74 00:02:32,782 --> 00:02:34,281 - Good lookin' out, Jesus. 75 00:02:34,365 --> 00:02:36,281 - Okay, sure. Let me just place you on a brief hold. 76 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:39,573 - Father God, we ask that you welcome this child 77 00:02:39,657 --> 00:02:41,948 into your kingdom in your divine timing, 78 00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,907 which will probably be any minute now 79 00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,823 if it hasn't happened already. 80 00:02:45,907 --> 00:02:49,073 It's in your name that we pray over this near corpse. 81 00:02:49,156 --> 00:02:49,989 Amen. 82 00:02:50,073 --> 00:02:51,490 parents: [crying] Amen. 83 00:02:51,573 --> 00:02:52,907 - Okay, I'm back. Sure. 84 00:02:52,989 --> 00:02:55,323 I can do that. Your shipment is on the way. 85 00:02:55,406 --> 00:02:56,573 Mm-hmm. 86 00:02:56,657 --> 00:02:57,615 What are you doing, Toni? 87 00:02:57,698 --> 00:02:59,073 You fuckin' with my coffee commission. 88 00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:00,198 - No, Shayla. 89 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,406 You are my best friend! 90 00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:04,448 At work. 91 00:03:04,531 --> 00:03:05,948 Okay. Fine. 92 00:03:06,031 --> 00:03:08,156 But before you go... 93 00:03:08,239 --> 00:03:10,198 [crying] I've gotta tell you the truth. 94 00:03:11,323 --> 00:03:13,823 I'm the one who's been eating your lunches. 95 00:03:13,907 --> 00:03:15,073 - Son of a b-- 96 00:03:15,156 --> 00:03:16,406 [machine beeping rapidly] - Baby? 97 00:03:16,490 --> 00:03:17,782 - Out of the way. Out of the way. 98 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,989 [defibrillator whines] 99 00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:20,531 Clear! 100 00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:21,907 [tense music] 101 00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:23,989 Clear! - Oh, please. 102 00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:27,239 [flatline] 103 00:03:27,323 --> 00:03:29,740 - Time of death: 9:22 a.m. 104 00:03:29,823 --> 00:03:31,448 [parents moan] 105 00:03:31,531 --> 00:03:33,073 - [sobbing] Oh--oh, no. 106 00:03:33,156 --> 00:03:34,615 - Come here, baby. - Oh, no. No. 107 00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:36,198 - It's okay. It's okay. - Oh, what happened? 108 00:03:36,281 --> 00:03:38,031 - Come on now. Come on. - [sobbing] Oh, no, no. 109 00:03:38,114 --> 00:03:40,865 - Stop crying, baby. - [gasps] 110 00:03:40,948 --> 00:03:44,114 [whimpering breathlessly] 111 00:03:45,698 --> 00:03:48,073 [crying] 112 00:03:50,156 --> 00:03:51,365 [sobs] 113 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,031 [dramatic percussion] 114 00:03:53,114 --> 00:03:54,823 [stirring piano music] 115 00:03:54,907 --> 00:03:56,490 ♪ ♪ 116 00:03:56,573 --> 00:04:00,323 [sniffling] 117 00:04:02,657 --> 00:04:03,573 - Hey, girl. 118 00:04:03,657 --> 00:04:05,365 You ready to hit this happy hour? 119 00:04:06,782 --> 00:04:08,114 - Shayla? 120 00:04:08,198 --> 00:04:09,365 Mm-mm. 121 00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:10,573 You died. 122 00:04:10,657 --> 00:04:12,114 Your homegoing is on Saturday. 123 00:04:12,198 --> 00:04:14,573 - No, it's not. 124 00:04:14,657 --> 00:04:15,740 Oh, shit. 125 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,740 Smudged my lipstick. Might as well start over. 126 00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:19,698 - No, no, no. 127 00:04:19,782 --> 00:04:21,073 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 128 00:04:21,156 --> 00:04:23,740 [shrieking] No, no, no! 129 00:04:23,823 --> 00:04:25,198 [screams] No! 130 00:04:25,281 --> 00:04:27,073 [musical sting] 131 00:04:27,156 --> 00:04:30,239 [Megan Thee Stallion's "Hot Girl"] 132 00:04:30,323 --> 00:04:32,239 ♪ ♪ 133 00:04:32,323 --> 00:04:34,323 - ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪ 134 00:04:34,406 --> 00:04:36,740 ♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪ 135 00:04:36,823 --> 00:04:38,073 ♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪ 136 00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:39,573 ♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪ 137 00:04:39,657 --> 00:04:41,989 ♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪ 138 00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,031 ♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪ 139 00:04:44,114 --> 00:04:45,490 - ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪ 140 00:04:45,573 --> 00:04:46,782 - ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪ 141 00:04:46,865 --> 00:04:48,156 - ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪ 142 00:04:48,239 --> 00:04:50,448 - ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪ 143 00:04:50,531 --> 00:04:51,865 ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪ 144 00:04:51,948 --> 00:04:53,073 - ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ 145 00:04:53,156 --> 00:04:55,114 ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪ 146 00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:57,365 ♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪ 147 00:04:57,448 --> 00:04:58,698 ♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪ 148 00:04:58,782 --> 00:05:00,156 ♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪ 149 00:05:00,239 --> 00:05:02,490 ♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪ 150 00:05:02,573 --> 00:05:04,490 ♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪ 151 00:05:04,573 --> 00:05:05,865 - ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪ 152 00:05:05,948 --> 00:05:07,198 - ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪ 153 00:05:07,281 --> 00:05:08,823 - ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪ 154 00:05:08,907 --> 00:05:10,948 - ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪ 155 00:05:11,031 --> 00:05:13,448 ♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪ 156 00:05:13,531 --> 00:05:14,448 ♪ Ah ♪ 157 00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:18,031 [birds chirping] 158 00:05:18,657 --> 00:05:21,114 - It's not the end of the world! 159 00:05:21,198 --> 00:05:22,531 Oh, right. 160 00:05:22,615 --> 00:05:24,573 It is. 161 00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:27,406 [upbeat dance music] 162 00:05:27,490 --> 00:05:29,823 - [chuckling] Yes. - [exhales] 163 00:05:29,907 --> 00:05:31,989 - [laughs] - Bottoms up, hos. 164 00:05:32,073 --> 00:05:33,865 all: Cheers! - Yay! 165 00:05:33,948 --> 00:05:35,073 - Mm! 166 00:05:35,156 --> 00:05:38,323 We made it, okay? And you all have me to thank. 167 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,531 [all laugh] 168 00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:42,281 No, seriously, now would be a good time to thank me. 169 00:05:42,365 --> 00:05:43,490 - Okay. To Robin. 170 00:05:43,573 --> 00:05:45,615 When you sent us a Facebook invite 171 00:05:45,698 --> 00:05:46,657 to the end of the world, 172 00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,198 I did not think that you would be right. 173 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,114 I just clicked Yes 'cause you're my best friend. 174 00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:51,031 - Aw. 175 00:05:51,114 --> 00:05:52,323 - And now here we are, 176 00:05:52,406 --> 00:05:54,281 the last four people on Earth. 177 00:05:55,239 --> 00:05:56,406 - [quickly] Cheers. 178 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,823 - Yes, yes. - We did it. We did it. 179 00:05:57,907 --> 00:05:58,989 - Wait, wait, wait. 180 00:05:59,073 --> 00:06:01,490 Uh, why are we fucking around with champagne 181 00:06:01,573 --> 00:06:04,448 when, as of ten minutes ago, all drugs are legal? 182 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,490 [all laugh] 183 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,323 - Because today, we're celebrating. 184 00:06:07,406 --> 00:06:09,531 We have an eternity to figure out what happens next, 185 00:06:09,615 --> 00:06:10,657 but right now, 186 00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:12,865 we have no jobs, no taxes to pay... 187 00:06:12,948 --> 00:06:14,698 - We don't have any mediocre white men 188 00:06:14,782 --> 00:06:15,948 getting promoted over us! 189 00:06:16,031 --> 00:06:17,657 - We don't have Sallie Mae calling me all the time 190 00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,031 like I'm fucking her man. 191 00:06:19,114 --> 00:06:20,989 [laughter] - No police. 192 00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:22,031 - What? 193 00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:23,073 - You know what? 194 00:06:23,156 --> 00:06:24,698 This is a celebration, okay? 195 00:06:24,782 --> 00:06:26,531 - [gulps, smacks lips] 196 00:06:26,615 --> 00:06:28,615 [tense music] 197 00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:29,989 Uh-oh. 198 00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,573 - [exhales] 199 00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,073 - Whoo! Follow me! 200 00:06:33,156 --> 00:06:35,073 ♪ ♪ 201 00:06:35,156 --> 00:06:36,740 [shimmering tones] - [gasps] 202 00:06:36,823 --> 00:06:38,740 [splutters, laughs] - Holy shit. 203 00:06:38,823 --> 00:06:41,365 - Your dildo to alcohol ratio is all off. 204 00:06:41,448 --> 00:06:43,865 - I know. I should've packed more dildos. 205 00:06:43,948 --> 00:06:44,948 - [laughs] 206 00:06:45,031 --> 00:06:46,365 - Don't laugh. 207 00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,740 Don't look at me like I'm the only one 208 00:06:48,823 --> 00:06:51,782 with weird stuff in my ba-- matter of fact, you, 209 00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:53,698 what's in your-- what's in your bag, Ashley? 210 00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:55,406 ♪ ♪ 211 00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:57,239 [laughter] 212 00:06:57,323 --> 00:06:58,573 - [laughs] Oh. - Oh. 213 00:06:58,657 --> 00:07:01,156 - That did not go well for you. 214 00:07:01,239 --> 00:07:02,823 - You opened up the wrong suitcase, okay? 215 00:07:02,907 --> 00:07:04,531 Everyone knows Robin's the freak. 216 00:07:04,615 --> 00:07:05,740 - Uh-uh! 217 00:07:05,823 --> 00:07:06,740 ♪ ♪ 218 00:07:06,823 --> 00:07:09,073 [device beeps] - Damn, Robin. 219 00:07:09,156 --> 00:07:10,989 Can I get a Vicodin with a side of IV? 220 00:07:11,073 --> 00:07:12,698 - Quinta, stop eye-fucking my bag! 221 00:07:12,782 --> 00:07:13,907 Besides, 222 00:07:13,989 --> 00:07:16,156 you probably got a whole fucking Burning Man in yours. 223 00:07:16,239 --> 00:07:18,907 ♪ ♪ 224 00:07:18,989 --> 00:07:20,406 - [gasps] - Yep. 225 00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,448 I stand correct. 226 00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:22,615 - It's just the essentials. 227 00:07:22,698 --> 00:07:25,114 - All these pills and no panties. 228 00:07:25,198 --> 00:07:26,323 Great. 229 00:07:26,406 --> 00:07:27,490 None of y'all know how to pack, 230 00:07:27,573 --> 00:07:28,948 so you're all gonna be trying to borrow my stuff 231 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,031 the whole time. 232 00:07:30,114 --> 00:07:31,156 - No, we're not. 233 00:07:31,239 --> 00:07:32,948 Oh, shoot. I forgot my head scarf. 234 00:07:33,031 --> 00:07:34,657 Ashley, do you have a extra? 235 00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:37,156 - [laughs] No, because I don't wear a scarf. 236 00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,782 - Hmm? 237 00:07:38,865 --> 00:07:40,406 - Uh... 238 00:07:40,490 --> 00:07:42,615 because you sleep in a bonnet? 239 00:07:42,698 --> 00:07:43,782 - [laughs] - No. 240 00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:44,865 I just don't cover my hair at night. 241 00:07:44,948 --> 00:07:46,406 - What the fuck is wrong with you? 242 00:07:46,490 --> 00:07:47,531 - What? 243 00:07:48,114 --> 00:07:51,281 [violins playing Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"] 244 00:07:51,365 --> 00:07:53,406 - Do you, Chris, take Lachel 245 00:07:53,490 --> 00:07:56,239 to be your lawfully wedded wife? 246 00:07:57,031 --> 00:07:58,198 - [suggestively] Do I? 247 00:07:58,281 --> 00:08:00,448 [laughter] 248 00:08:00,531 --> 00:08:02,782 - [laughs] Okay. Very cute. 249 00:08:02,865 --> 00:08:04,490 The answer, son, is "I do." 250 00:08:04,573 --> 00:08:05,948 - [scoffs] Fo' sho'! Look at her. 251 00:08:06,031 --> 00:08:08,239 Mmm, fine ass. [guests laugh] 252 00:08:08,323 --> 00:08:09,156 - Sorry. 253 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,989 You need to say the phrase "I do." 254 00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:12,114 Just to make it legal. 255 00:08:12,198 --> 00:08:13,740 - Oh, I got you. Ask me again. 256 00:08:13,823 --> 00:08:15,657 - Do you, Chris, take Lachel 257 00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,490 to be your lawfully wedded wife? 258 00:08:17,573 --> 00:08:19,114 - Don't I. - Not quite. 259 00:08:19,198 --> 00:08:20,073 - I don't. 260 00:08:20,156 --> 00:08:21,989 Hah! Just kidding. Of course I can. 261 00:08:22,073 --> 00:08:23,114 - Babe, come on. 262 00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:24,031 - Just say, "I do." 263 00:08:24,114 --> 00:08:25,490 - Y'all ain't gotta rush a nigga. 264 00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:26,823 [chuckles] 265 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,573 - Look, we only have this place for 45 minutes. 266 00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:31,114 Then they're having a hair show. 267 00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,281 - Okay. 268 00:08:32,365 --> 00:08:33,823 - Look, babe... - Huh? 269 00:08:33,907 --> 00:08:35,948 - We're--we're almost there, okay? 270 00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:36,907 You love me, right? 271 00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,490 - Yeah, I got love for you, babe. 272 00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:40,323 - Okay. Then just say, "I do." 273 00:08:40,406 --> 00:08:41,907 - A'ight. 274 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,657 I... 275 00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:44,823 [stammers] 276 00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:46,448 [awkward music] 277 00:08:46,531 --> 00:08:48,031 [vocalizes Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"] 278 00:08:48,114 --> 00:08:49,323 [beatboxing] 279 00:08:49,406 --> 00:08:50,782 ♪ Boom! D-d-bam! ♪ We good. 280 00:08:50,865 --> 00:08:53,156 - "Bam." We ain't. Chris, it's not hard to say. 281 00:08:53,239 --> 00:08:54,698 - I mean, it goes without saying. 282 00:08:54,782 --> 00:08:56,114 - It very much does not. 283 00:08:56,198 --> 00:08:57,573 - A'ight. Hold on. 284 00:08:57,657 --> 00:08:59,198 [clears throat] Y'all hot? 285 00:08:59,281 --> 00:09:00,448 Is it hot? No? 286 00:09:00,531 --> 00:09:01,448 Yeah? It's just me? 287 00:09:01,531 --> 00:09:02,989 Hoo! - Chris. 288 00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:05,031 Quit playing and just say it, God damn it. 289 00:09:05,114 --> 00:09:06,198 - "It, God damn it." [snickers] 290 00:09:06,281 --> 00:09:07,198 [guests jeer] 291 00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:08,156 Why y'all booing? 292 00:09:08,239 --> 00:09:09,198 - Settle down! Settle down. 293 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:10,281 I'll handle this. 294 00:09:10,365 --> 00:09:11,531 Now, young man, 295 00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:12,531 you got this. 296 00:09:12,615 --> 00:09:14,531 We're just gonna slow it down. 297 00:09:14,615 --> 00:09:15,865 Do... - Uh-huh. 298 00:09:15,948 --> 00:09:17,156 - You, Chris... - Me, Chris. 299 00:09:17,239 --> 00:09:18,865 - Take Lachel... - I know her. 300 00:09:18,948 --> 00:09:20,156 - To be... - She cool. 301 00:09:20,239 --> 00:09:21,740 - Your lawfully... - I'm saying, though... 302 00:09:21,823 --> 00:09:22,698 - Wedded... 303 00:09:22,782 --> 00:09:24,740 - That's a funny word. - Wife. 304 00:09:24,823 --> 00:09:27,198 [tense music] 305 00:09:27,281 --> 00:09:29,615 - [stammers] 306 00:09:29,698 --> 00:09:30,865 I mean, I fucks with her! 307 00:09:30,948 --> 00:09:31,907 - [gasps] - You know what? 308 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,323 - Hard, though! Heavy! 309 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,406 I fucks witchu! 310 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:35,573 Baby, I fucks witchu! 311 00:09:35,657 --> 00:09:36,573 - Son! Son. 312 00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:37,740 If you don't say, "I do," 313 00:09:37,823 --> 00:09:39,490 you're gonna lose your beautiful wife. 314 00:09:39,573 --> 00:09:41,823 [quietly] Now, do you wanna tap that ass tonight or not? 315 00:09:41,907 --> 00:09:42,782 - I do! 316 00:09:42,865 --> 00:09:44,657 [guests gasp] 317 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,156 [polite applause] 318 00:09:47,239 --> 00:09:48,156 - [giggling] 319 00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,281 - I do. Get back. 320 00:09:49,365 --> 00:09:50,239 You know I was playing, 321 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,448 'cause I be playing like that. 322 00:09:51,531 --> 00:09:53,323 Just tryna keep you in... [inhales] Sustpense. 323 00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:54,406 Playing witchu. - Thank you, Pastor. 324 00:09:54,490 --> 00:09:55,615 - Oh, you need to thank Jesus, 325 00:09:55,698 --> 00:09:57,573 'cause that was nothing short of a miracle. 326 00:09:57,657 --> 00:09:58,573 Now... - Okay. 327 00:09:58,657 --> 00:10:00,239 - Do you, Lachel, 328 00:10:00,323 --> 00:10:03,198 take Chris to be your lawfully wedded husband? 329 00:10:03,281 --> 00:10:05,073 - I do! - Ooh, that's great. 330 00:10:05,156 --> 00:10:06,989 To have and to hold? 331 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,239 - Wait a minute. 332 00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:09,782 What's the difference between having and holding? 333 00:10:09,865 --> 00:10:11,198 - From this day forward? 334 00:10:11,281 --> 00:10:12,198 - Like, this day, 335 00:10:12,281 --> 00:10:13,740 or the "day forward," like tomorrow? 336 00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,740 Because it's already tomorrow in Japan, 337 00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:16,782 if you think about it. 338 00:10:16,865 --> 00:10:18,114 - For better or for worse? 339 00:10:18,198 --> 00:10:20,573 - Oh. I mean, does anyone pick "worse"? 340 00:10:20,657 --> 00:10:22,865 - In... [stammers] For richer or for poorer? 341 00:10:22,948 --> 00:10:24,573 - Again, who are these people picking "poorer"? 342 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,406 - In sickness or in health? 343 00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,448 - Uh! How sick? How'd he get sick? 344 00:10:28,531 --> 00:10:29,531 Is his throat itching? 345 00:10:29,615 --> 00:10:30,740 'Cause then I'm tryna understand 346 00:10:30,823 --> 00:10:32,365 why this Negro's throat is itching. 347 00:10:32,448 --> 00:10:33,657 - [screams] Oh, you two! 348 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:35,156 You deserve each other. 349 00:10:35,239 --> 00:10:38,406 Just be man and wife. You are pronounced! 350 00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:39,573 [huffs] 351 00:10:39,657 --> 00:10:41,573 - You heard that, baby? both: We pronounced. 352 00:10:41,657 --> 00:10:43,323 - We did it, girl. - We married. 353 00:10:43,406 --> 00:10:44,281 - Bam! We did it. - Yeah. 354 00:10:44,365 --> 00:10:46,031 This is black love, right here. 355 00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,782 [laughs] Thank you. 356 00:10:47,865 --> 00:10:49,114 - I don't know. - Thank you. 357 00:10:49,198 --> 00:10:50,989 Bye! 358 00:10:51,073 --> 00:10:52,740 - Oh, shit! 359 00:10:52,823 --> 00:10:55,740 "Hair" goes the bride! 360 00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:58,406 - So no scarf? 361 00:10:58,490 --> 00:10:59,365 At all? 362 00:10:59,448 --> 00:11:00,323 Like a--a black chick 363 00:11:00,406 --> 00:11:01,823 on a TV show written by white people? 364 00:11:01,907 --> 00:11:03,365 - I get headaches very easily. 365 00:11:03,448 --> 00:11:04,823 - Unnecessary pain is an important part 366 00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:06,031 of being a black woman. 367 00:11:06,114 --> 00:11:07,657 Everybody knows that. - No. 368 00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:09,239 - Ashley, what happened to the satin pillowcase 369 00:11:09,323 --> 00:11:10,490 I got you for your birthday? 370 00:11:10,573 --> 00:11:11,740 - Ooh, I had to let that go, okay? 371 00:11:11,823 --> 00:11:13,365 It was like sleeping on a roller coaster. 372 00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:15,156 - What about your moisture? Your edges? 373 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:16,156 Your crown, bitch? 374 00:11:16,239 --> 00:11:17,615 - I rarely put heat on my hair, 375 00:11:17,698 --> 00:11:19,698 I use Carol's Daughter's moisturizing spray 376 00:11:19,782 --> 00:11:21,073 and Mixed Chicks' leave-in 377 00:11:21,156 --> 00:11:23,198 and DevaCurl stretching cream, and that's just every day. 378 00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:25,239 That's not even including my wash day products, which-- 379 00:11:25,323 --> 00:11:26,490 - Wait. 380 00:11:26,573 --> 00:11:28,198 [electronic music] 381 00:11:28,281 --> 00:11:29,323 - [gasps] - Ooh! 382 00:11:29,406 --> 00:11:30,448 - There it is. - Mm-mm-mm. 383 00:11:30,531 --> 00:11:32,740 You wouldn't need to use a whole Sally's Beauty 384 00:11:32,823 --> 00:11:34,323 if you wrapped your hair at night. 385 00:11:34,406 --> 00:11:36,740 - Do you know the lengths I go through to protect my hair? 386 00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:37,989 - It's true. She sleeps in a wig. 387 00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,573 - What? - Ashley, a story. 388 00:11:40,657 --> 00:11:41,531 - Ooh. 389 00:11:41,615 --> 00:11:42,531 - When I lost my edges, 390 00:11:42,615 --> 00:11:44,573 I had to rub Monistat on my shit 391 00:11:44,657 --> 00:11:46,782 for six months to grow them back. 392 00:11:46,865 --> 00:11:49,031 - It's true. I remember that. 393 00:11:49,114 --> 00:11:51,490 - You are disrespecting your hair. 394 00:11:51,573 --> 00:11:54,531 - I'm sorry, are we all just ignoring the Monistat thing? 395 00:11:54,615 --> 00:11:55,989 both: Yes. - I was hoping we would. 396 00:11:56,073 --> 00:11:57,156 - All right? 397 00:11:57,239 --> 00:11:58,531 Girl, she got the-- - Ooh, the good stuff. 398 00:11:58,615 --> 00:12:00,031 - This is not a grocery store. Stop it. 399 00:12:00,114 --> 00:12:01,907 - Got Hair Milk in here. - This is mine! 400 00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,448 - Ooh, is that a pick? - A pick! 401 00:12:04,281 --> 00:12:07,490 [shop bell jingles, light music plays] 402 00:12:07,573 --> 00:12:09,698 [exciting music building] 403 00:12:09,782 --> 00:12:16,823 ♪ ♪ 404 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,615 [door clatters] 405 00:12:29,698 --> 00:12:32,948 [shop bell jingles, light music plays] 406 00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,114 - Oh, fuck. It's a trap. 407 00:12:37,198 --> 00:12:39,239 - You work here, right? 408 00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:40,573 - You know what? I just need help. 409 00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:42,073 I don't know if you have a small... 410 00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:43,615 [overlapping voices] - Something, like, casual... 411 00:12:43,698 --> 00:12:45,156 - Since I had these kids, it's just not sitting like... 412 00:12:45,239 --> 00:12:47,156 - Can you help? - Damn, girl, you're good. 413 00:12:47,239 --> 00:12:50,198 [exciting music] 414 00:12:50,281 --> 00:12:57,323 ♪ ♪ 415 00:12:58,573 --> 00:13:01,073 Uh, you--I just came up here 416 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,740 to smoke a cigarette, so... 417 00:13:06,448 --> 00:13:07,573 [exhales] 418 00:13:07,657 --> 00:13:11,114 - [laughs creepily] 419 00:13:11,198 --> 00:13:14,114 Oh, that the best you can do? 420 00:13:14,198 --> 00:13:18,073 And I'd heard such good things about your CIA training... 421 00:13:18,156 --> 00:13:20,073 Trinity. 422 00:13:20,156 --> 00:13:22,198 [guns click] 423 00:13:22,281 --> 00:13:24,156 Now putting a bullet through your brain 424 00:13:24,239 --> 00:13:26,114 so I can see through it like a peephole 425 00:13:26,198 --> 00:13:28,281 won't be as fun. 426 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,490 Hey. Knock-knock. 427 00:13:31,573 --> 00:13:32,531 - Who's there? 428 00:13:32,615 --> 00:13:33,740 - No one, 429 00:13:33,823 --> 00:13:35,448 'cause you're dead. 430 00:13:35,531 --> 00:13:37,573 ♪ ♪ 431 00:13:37,657 --> 00:13:38,657 - Wait. [laughs] 432 00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:39,782 You know what? I'm sorry. 433 00:13:39,865 --> 00:13:40,865 You are so hot, 434 00:13:40,948 --> 00:13:42,657 I'm honestly having trouble focusing. 435 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:44,948 This has never happened before. 436 00:13:45,031 --> 00:13:46,490 - Mm. 437 00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:47,823 Has this? 438 00:13:47,907 --> 00:13:49,823 ♪ ♪ 439 00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:52,198 [dramatic musical sting] 440 00:13:53,573 --> 00:13:56,531 [unsettling music] 441 00:13:56,615 --> 00:14:03,490 ♪ ♪ 442 00:14:03,573 --> 00:14:04,989 Perfect timing. 443 00:14:05,073 --> 00:14:08,323 I just used your CIA login 444 00:14:08,406 --> 00:14:09,907 to obtain the codes. 445 00:14:09,989 --> 00:14:10,989 - Let me guess: 446 00:14:11,073 --> 00:14:13,239 you seduced someone into giving it to you? 447 00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:14,448 Pathetic. 448 00:14:14,531 --> 00:14:15,907 - I'm pathetic? 449 00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,156 I'm the one who's selling 450 00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:19,198 America's nuclear codes to Russia, 451 00:14:19,281 --> 00:14:22,281 and you're the one who's tied to a chair! 452 00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:23,823 Like a baby. 453 00:14:23,907 --> 00:14:25,698 A kidnapped baby... 454 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:26,907 I guess. 455 00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,073 Sorry, it's been a while 456 00:14:29,156 --> 00:14:30,531 since I've done a villain speech. 457 00:14:30,615 --> 00:14:31,740 I took a break to have a baby, 458 00:14:31,823 --> 00:14:33,989 and now I can't stop thinking about my baby. 459 00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:36,073 - That's what your body looks like after a baby? 460 00:14:36,156 --> 00:14:37,448 Oh, fuck off. 461 00:14:37,531 --> 00:14:38,657 [chair creaks] 462 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:40,615 You'll never get away with this. 463 00:14:40,698 --> 00:14:43,281 - Who's gonna stop me? You? 464 00:14:43,365 --> 00:14:46,989 You have no idea how much I hate you, Trinity. 465 00:14:48,114 --> 00:14:50,740 I've been plotting your demise for months. 466 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,865 - Sounds like somebody's obsessed with me. 467 00:14:52,948 --> 00:14:54,031 - Every day, 468 00:14:54,114 --> 00:14:55,573 I wake up, 469 00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:58,823 look at your picture and say... 470 00:14:58,907 --> 00:15:00,573 "One day, 471 00:15:00,657 --> 00:15:03,031 I'm gonna kill that woman." 472 00:15:03,114 --> 00:15:05,281 But tomorrow... [inhales shakily] 473 00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,073 I'm gonna wake up and say, 474 00:15:08,156 --> 00:15:09,740 "Yesterday, 475 00:15:09,823 --> 00:15:11,865 I killed that woman." 476 00:15:11,948 --> 00:15:13,573 [laughs] 477 00:15:13,657 --> 00:15:15,907 [device beeps quietly] 478 00:15:15,989 --> 00:15:18,740 Now it's time for you to die. 479 00:15:18,823 --> 00:15:21,865 My baby and I have a flight to catch. 480 00:15:21,948 --> 00:15:22,989 [laughs] 481 00:15:23,073 --> 00:15:25,698 She's gonna cry the whole time. 482 00:15:25,782 --> 00:15:28,907 ♪ ♪ 483 00:15:28,989 --> 00:15:31,657 - You just ran into some turbulence. 484 00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:34,406 [intense music] 485 00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:37,615 - [cackling] 486 00:15:39,031 --> 00:15:41,615 [cackling intensifies] 487 00:15:41,698 --> 00:15:42,823 Hah! 488 00:15:42,907 --> 00:15:44,365 Hah! Hah! [Velcro rips] 489 00:15:44,448 --> 00:15:47,531 [continues cackling] 490 00:15:50,698 --> 00:15:52,657 Surprise, bitch. 491 00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:53,698 - What? 492 00:15:53,782 --> 00:15:55,323 But I saved you. 493 00:15:55,406 --> 00:15:56,531 I let you go. 494 00:15:56,615 --> 00:15:58,114 - You ruined me. 495 00:15:58,198 --> 00:16:01,281 - So you could go clean. I was being nice. 496 00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:03,948 - I like being a criminal. 497 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,615 It's more fun, 498 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,989 and the pay is better. 499 00:16:07,073 --> 00:16:08,782 I used to hide in plain sight. 500 00:16:08,865 --> 00:16:11,365 That was my thing, but you outed me! 501 00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:13,281 I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't, 502 00:16:13,365 --> 00:16:14,657 and I hated it. 503 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:18,698 ♪ ♪ 504 00:16:18,782 --> 00:16:19,865 [grunts] 505 00:16:19,948 --> 00:16:23,406 - You looked amazing. - It was very uncomfortable. 506 00:16:23,490 --> 00:16:24,448 Let's face it: 507 00:16:24,531 --> 00:16:26,406 neither of us can live if the other survives. 508 00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:29,823 ♪ ♪ 509 00:16:29,907 --> 00:16:31,073 [yelps] 510 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,156 ♪ ♪ 511 00:16:33,239 --> 00:16:34,989 - [grunts] 512 00:16:35,073 --> 00:16:37,531 ♪ ♪ 513 00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:39,490 [both grunting] 514 00:16:39,573 --> 00:16:40,782 - [yelps] 515 00:16:40,865 --> 00:16:43,406 [police sirens blaring] Ah! 516 00:16:43,490 --> 00:16:45,490 - That's the sound of the good guys winning... 517 00:16:45,573 --> 00:16:47,698 again. 518 00:16:47,782 --> 00:16:48,657 men: Stand down! 519 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,448 - Stand down! - Stand down! 520 00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:51,823 - Trinity, we got your message. 521 00:16:51,907 --> 00:16:53,323 Where's the Recluse? 522 00:16:53,406 --> 00:16:55,323 - Uh, she's right there. 523 00:16:55,406 --> 00:16:57,156 - Where? 524 00:16:57,239 --> 00:17:00,365 - Oh, I'll be out of your hair in a minute. 525 00:17:00,448 --> 00:17:01,740 [giggles] 526 00:17:01,823 --> 00:17:03,073 - Uh, janitor, ma'am? - Uh-huh? 527 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,365 - This is official government business. 528 00:17:04,448 --> 00:17:06,114 Please leave. - Oh! [stammers] 529 00:17:06,198 --> 00:17:07,615 - This is the Recluse. I subdued her. 530 00:17:07,698 --> 00:17:08,490 both: Hey. 531 00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:09,823 - We need to get you back to HQ. 532 00:17:09,907 --> 00:17:11,448 You need a psych eval. 533 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,989 - [sighs] 534 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,198 Can you at least tell me 535 00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:16,281 what brand waist trainer that was? 536 00:17:16,365 --> 00:17:17,740 Please! 537 00:17:17,823 --> 00:17:18,948 - No. 538 00:17:22,948 --> 00:17:24,490 [feedback squeaks] 539 00:17:24,573 --> 00:17:25,490 - [pops tongue] 540 00:17:25,573 --> 00:17:28,114 [New York accent] It's the Basic Ball! 541 00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:33,573 A ball for the rest of the LGBT-cuties. 542 00:17:33,657 --> 00:17:37,365 And tonight, we all serve ferocity, 543 00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:41,865 whether you're Mother Exhausted from the House of Tired 544 00:17:41,948 --> 00:17:44,323 or one of the eternal children 545 00:17:44,406 --> 00:17:47,198 of the House of Forever 21, 546 00:17:47,281 --> 00:17:49,615 y'all better bring it! 547 00:17:49,698 --> 00:17:50,782 The category is 548 00:17:50,865 --> 00:17:52,531 Clinical Depression. 549 00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:55,823 For all my children serving chemical imbalance realness-- 550 00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:57,031 that's right-- 551 00:17:57,114 --> 00:17:59,239 make your way to the floor if you can. 552 00:17:59,323 --> 00:18:00,740 You are tired! 553 00:18:00,823 --> 00:18:03,448 You are unmedicated for the gods! 554 00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:05,406 [crowd cheers] 555 00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:06,573 Walk for the judges. 556 00:18:06,657 --> 00:18:09,156 Now vogue. 557 00:18:09,239 --> 00:18:10,740 Oh, I see you eating carbs. 558 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:11,865 I see you. 559 00:18:11,948 --> 00:18:14,698 I see you, too depressed to leave the house. 560 00:18:14,782 --> 00:18:16,239 I'm looking for sadness. 561 00:18:16,323 --> 00:18:17,865 I'm looking for Eeyore 562 00:18:17,948 --> 00:18:19,281 in Dior. 563 00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,740 ♪ ♪ 564 00:18:21,823 --> 00:18:23,448 Oh, she is serving you 565 00:18:23,531 --> 00:18:25,323 a whole nap! 566 00:18:25,406 --> 00:18:30,323 Bitch is in full deep REM sleep on the floor. 567 00:18:30,406 --> 00:18:31,740 Judges, your scores. 568 00:18:31,823 --> 00:18:34,657 Ten, ten, ten. 569 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,698 Diagnosis: it's depression. 570 00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:42,948 The next category is Barbecue Daddies. 571 00:18:43,031 --> 00:18:45,948 Come through, barbecue daddies! 572 00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:47,031 Oh, yes. 573 00:18:47,114 --> 00:18:48,281 I have two daddies, 574 00:18:48,365 --> 00:18:51,239 and they are serving me leather and linen. 575 00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:52,406 They're serving me 576 00:18:52,490 --> 00:18:54,406 "Let's argue about routes to work." 577 00:18:54,490 --> 00:18:56,239 "I take the 405 to PHC." 578 00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:58,448 "Oh, I just stay on Cahuenga the whole way down." 579 00:18:58,531 --> 00:18:59,365 You'll gag. 580 00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:03,031 They are cookout ready, Betty. 581 00:19:03,114 --> 00:19:05,156 Oh, he didn't start the grill 582 00:19:05,239 --> 00:19:06,698 until everybody showed up, 583 00:19:06,782 --> 00:19:09,114 and now you won't be eating till nighttime. 584 00:19:09,198 --> 00:19:10,448 He's late. 585 00:19:10,531 --> 00:19:11,865 He's basic as fuck. 586 00:19:11,948 --> 00:19:14,114 It's breathtaking. You better work. 587 00:19:14,198 --> 00:19:17,281 ♪ ♪ 588 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,657 - ♪ Damn ♪ 589 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,365 [crowd cheering] Oh! 590 00:19:20,448 --> 00:19:25,657 He is "passing out matching shirts at the family reunion" 591 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:27,823 barbecue realness. 592 00:19:27,907 --> 00:19:30,406 Layers, judges. Layers! 593 00:19:30,490 --> 00:19:32,031 Serving "mispronouncing 594 00:19:32,114 --> 00:19:34,823 all of your friends' names wrong" realness. 595 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:39,323 Serving "calls your friend Tuh-rell your friend Tie-rell." 596 00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:41,657 Judges, your cards, please. 597 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,782 Ten, nine, nine. 598 00:19:43,865 --> 00:19:44,948 Family reunion daddy, 599 00:19:45,031 --> 00:19:47,531 grab your trophy. 600 00:19:47,615 --> 00:19:49,156 Running Errands. 601 00:19:49,239 --> 00:19:52,531 The next category is Running Errands. 602 00:19:52,615 --> 00:19:55,989 Oh, did you remember your reusable canvas bag? 603 00:19:56,073 --> 00:19:57,740 I'm having all of it. 604 00:19:57,823 --> 00:19:59,156 Oh, work, girl. 605 00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,031 She has all the receipts. 606 00:20:01,114 --> 00:20:03,531 Yes, she knows the return policy, 607 00:20:03,615 --> 00:20:07,114 and she will not take store credit, baby. 608 00:20:07,198 --> 00:20:08,031 Oh, yes. 609 00:20:08,114 --> 00:20:09,031 She's running a quick errand 610 00:20:09,114 --> 00:20:10,365 and didn't think anyone would see her, 611 00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:11,531 but--uh-oh! Uh-oh! 612 00:20:11,615 --> 00:20:12,989 You ran into your boss. 613 00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:15,782 Now he knows you don't have eyebrows, bitch. 614 00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:17,323 [crowd cheering] 615 00:20:17,406 --> 00:20:19,698 She is serving you a full Whoopi Goldberg. 616 00:20:19,782 --> 00:20:22,490 Judges, your scores, please. 617 00:20:22,573 --> 00:20:24,531 Ten. Ten. 618 00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:26,698 Tens across the board. 619 00:20:26,782 --> 00:20:30,490 And now, it's time for the grand finale. 620 00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:31,698 The category is 621 00:20:31,782 --> 00:20:34,698 Just Awkward in the Body. 622 00:20:34,782 --> 00:20:36,490 Oh, there's nothing wrong with you; 623 00:20:36,573 --> 00:20:39,823 you're just awkward in the body. 624 00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:42,073 Yes, oh, you are so awkward. 625 00:20:42,156 --> 00:20:43,698 Oh, you are serving me 626 00:20:43,782 --> 00:20:46,365 "we both said good-bye, but now we're walking 627 00:20:46,448 --> 00:20:48,490 in the same direction" awkwardness. 628 00:20:48,573 --> 00:20:51,490 Oh! The waiter just said, "Enjoy your meal," 629 00:20:51,573 --> 00:20:53,698 and this bitch said, "You too." 630 00:20:53,782 --> 00:20:54,740 "You too"! 631 00:20:54,823 --> 00:20:55,865 [shoes click] 632 00:20:55,948 --> 00:20:58,114 Bitch, he's not eating. He's at work. 633 00:20:58,198 --> 00:21:00,615 Oh, my God! 634 00:21:00,698 --> 00:21:02,073 The try-hardiness! 635 00:21:02,156 --> 00:21:04,989 Yes! She's the queen of awkwardness! 636 00:21:05,073 --> 00:21:06,615 [crowd cheering] 637 00:21:06,698 --> 00:21:07,740 Judges. 638 00:21:07,823 --> 00:21:09,114 Ten. Shut up. 639 00:21:09,198 --> 00:21:10,657 Ten. 640 00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:13,657 Tens across the board. Oh! 641 00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,198 And that's the walk of the night. 642 00:21:16,281 --> 00:21:18,073 [echoing slam] Yes! 643 00:21:18,156 --> 00:21:19,198 - [grunts] 644 00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:21,490 Now... 645 00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:23,239 I'll be able to sleep tonight. 646 00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:25,782 Whoo! [laughs] - No. Guys, what are we doing? 647 00:21:25,865 --> 00:21:27,156 Just because sleeping in a scarf 648 00:21:27,239 --> 00:21:28,281 is our idea of blackness 649 00:21:28,365 --> 00:21:29,615 doesn't mean it has to be hers. 650 00:21:29,698 --> 00:21:31,615 - Uh, yes, it does. - No. 651 00:21:31,698 --> 00:21:34,823 There is no right way to be black. 652 00:21:34,907 --> 00:21:36,281 I don't eat chicken. 653 00:21:36,365 --> 00:21:37,239 - What? - How? Why? 654 00:21:37,323 --> 00:21:38,531 - Why? Chicken is delicious. 655 00:21:38,615 --> 00:21:39,989 - But it's chicken. - Okay, you know what? 656 00:21:40,073 --> 00:21:42,073 Actually, that's fair. [inhales] 657 00:21:43,114 --> 00:21:44,365 I don't like "The Five Heartbeats." 658 00:21:44,448 --> 00:21:45,323 - What? - Whoa. 659 00:21:45,406 --> 00:21:46,365 - What is wrong with you? - I don't. 660 00:21:46,448 --> 00:21:47,823 I don't think Leon's interesting. 661 00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,281 - Do your eyes and ears work? - I don't know what to tell you. 662 00:21:49,365 --> 00:21:51,323 Pussy work? - What is wrong with you? 663 00:21:51,406 --> 00:21:53,490 - Okay, honestly, though, since... [exhales] 664 00:21:53,573 --> 00:21:55,114 We're having truth time, 665 00:21:55,198 --> 00:21:56,782 I... 666 00:21:56,865 --> 00:21:58,490 do not wear lotion. 667 00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:00,782 - Wait, I'm sorry. 668 00:22:00,865 --> 00:22:01,782 Hold on, hold on. What? 669 00:22:01,865 --> 00:22:03,448 - I mean, you know, I just don't... 670 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,239 I don't like how it feels, like, when I sweat. 671 00:22:05,323 --> 00:22:06,823 - Oh, you said lotion? - Yes, lotion. 672 00:22:06,907 --> 00:22:08,239 - Oh, no. Fuck that. 673 00:22:10,073 --> 00:22:13,948 [light music] 674 00:22:17,073 --> 00:22:18,365 [creepy musical sting] 675 00:22:18,448 --> 00:22:19,490 - Morning, Fatimah. 676 00:22:19,573 --> 00:22:22,323 I lost my favorite coffee mug last Friday. 677 00:22:22,406 --> 00:22:23,989 It's a white mug that says "Killin' It." 678 00:22:24,073 --> 00:22:25,114 Has anyone returned it? 679 00:22:25,198 --> 00:22:26,823 - Ooh, girl, you lost your cup? 680 00:22:26,907 --> 00:22:27,989 Not on my watch. 681 00:22:28,073 --> 00:22:29,365 Let's review the security footage 682 00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:30,948 from your office. 683 00:22:32,573 --> 00:22:33,740 - [chuckles awkwardly] 684 00:22:34,782 --> 00:22:36,114 Uh, there's a camera in my office? 685 00:22:36,198 --> 00:22:38,323 - Ooh, yeah, girl. I seent all your business. 686 00:22:38,406 --> 00:22:40,031 [laughs] I'm playing. 687 00:22:40,114 --> 00:22:41,156 We never review the footage 688 00:22:41,239 --> 00:22:42,740 unless we're looking for something specific. 689 00:22:42,823 --> 00:22:43,740 - Mm. - Like today. 690 00:22:43,823 --> 00:22:45,198 Or when I'm keeping an eye 691 00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:46,490 on all my office dips. 692 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:48,239 They cannot be talking to each other. 693 00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:49,865 You know what I'm talking about? 694 00:22:49,948 --> 00:22:52,198 It's a lot of 'em. - [chuckles] 695 00:22:52,281 --> 00:22:53,615 Oh, well, then, it's just a mug. 696 00:22:53,698 --> 00:22:55,323 Don't worry about it. It's fine. 697 00:22:55,406 --> 00:22:57,615 - Rewind! 698 00:22:57,698 --> 00:22:59,615 [audio squeaking rapidly] 699 00:22:59,698 --> 00:23:02,114 Okay, here we are. Last Friday. 700 00:23:02,198 --> 00:23:03,448 - [gasps] 701 00:23:04,698 --> 00:23:06,573 Oh! There's my mug. 702 00:23:06,657 --> 00:23:07,948 Ugh. Thank you, girl. 703 00:23:08,031 --> 00:23:09,448 I know you have more important things to do. 704 00:23:09,531 --> 00:23:10,823 - You know what? I don't. 705 00:23:10,907 --> 00:23:13,198 Besides, if we don't look out for each other, who will? 706 00:23:13,281 --> 00:23:14,490 - [chuckles] 707 00:23:14,573 --> 00:23:17,198 Ugh, look at me filing my nails at work. 708 00:23:17,281 --> 00:23:18,156 How embarrassing. 709 00:23:18,239 --> 00:23:19,448 - Uh-uh. Don't be embarrassed. 710 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,406 One time, I took my braids out right here at this desk. 711 00:23:21,490 --> 00:23:22,698 I respect your hustle. 712 00:23:22,782 --> 00:23:23,907 - [chuckles] 713 00:23:25,615 --> 00:23:28,073 [intriguing music] 714 00:23:28,156 --> 00:23:30,198 ♪ ♪ 715 00:23:30,281 --> 00:23:31,323 - Hmm. 716 00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:34,782 - Oops! Oh, no. Oh, God. 717 00:23:34,865 --> 00:23:36,406 Well, we should turn that off 718 00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:37,698 and focus on cleaning this up over here. 719 00:23:37,782 --> 00:23:39,823 - Mm-mm, girl. I got no business tryna act healthy. 720 00:23:39,907 --> 00:23:41,406 What are you doing, though? 721 00:23:41,490 --> 00:23:42,406 [mouths] 722 00:23:42,490 --> 00:23:43,406 ♪ ♪ 723 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:46,323 - I was just Lysoling my desk. 724 00:23:46,406 --> 00:23:48,989 Kathy had been by with her sickly ass, 725 00:23:49,073 --> 00:23:49,907 and you know what? 726 00:23:49,989 --> 00:23:51,031 We should go give her a flu shot 727 00:23:51,114 --> 00:23:53,073 instead of watching this footage. 728 00:23:53,156 --> 00:23:57,198 ♪ ♪ 729 00:23:58,031 --> 00:24:01,490 [ominous music] 730 00:24:01,573 --> 00:24:05,281 ♪ ♪ 731 00:24:05,365 --> 00:24:06,907 Stop the tape! [weakly] Stop. 732 00:24:06,989 --> 00:24:08,782 - What are you-- 733 00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:10,490 girl, what is you doing? 734 00:24:10,573 --> 00:24:17,448 ♪ ♪ 735 00:24:17,531 --> 00:24:18,865 [musical sting] 736 00:24:18,948 --> 00:24:20,573 Oh, shit! 737 00:24:20,657 --> 00:24:22,198 - That's not a knife! 738 00:24:23,156 --> 00:24:24,156 Oh. 739 00:24:24,239 --> 00:24:25,531 Ah. 740 00:24:25,615 --> 00:24:30,365 ♪ ♪ 741 00:24:36,031 --> 00:24:36,989 Wait. 742 00:24:37,073 --> 00:24:38,406 You stole my mug? 743 00:24:38,490 --> 00:24:40,073 - Oh, shit. It's your girl. 744 00:24:40,156 --> 00:24:42,782 [laughs] I forgot I stole that shit. 745 00:24:42,865 --> 00:24:44,448 - Mm. - [laughing] 746 00:24:44,531 --> 00:24:46,323 Oh! I get it. 747 00:24:46,406 --> 00:24:50,281 Okay, so you wanted to catch me stealing your mug, 748 00:24:50,365 --> 00:24:51,989 so then you pretended 749 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:53,865 to murder somebody in your office. 750 00:24:53,948 --> 00:24:55,531 Ooh, you are clever. 751 00:24:55,615 --> 00:24:56,989 [both chuckle] 752 00:24:57,073 --> 00:24:58,657 - Yes. 753 00:24:58,740 --> 00:24:59,740 I pretended. 754 00:24:59,823 --> 00:25:06,406 ♪ ♪ 755 00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:16,573 Thanks. 756 00:25:21,198 --> 00:25:22,698 - Hey, Fatimah. 757 00:25:22,782 --> 00:25:24,365 I can't seem to find my mug. 758 00:25:24,448 --> 00:25:25,657 It's, like, forest green. 759 00:25:25,740 --> 00:25:27,365 It says "Stabbing is My Cardio." 760 00:25:27,448 --> 00:25:28,698 Have you seen it? 761 00:25:28,782 --> 00:25:31,239 ♪ ♪ 762 00:25:33,239 --> 00:25:35,615 Bitch, you sure? - Shit! 763 00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:37,365 - You better gag the children. 764 00:26:37,448 --> 00:26:39,698 Is this a burger? Is it a hockey puck? 765 00:26:39,782 --> 00:26:41,531 I don't know because you cooked it. 766 00:26:41,615 --> 00:26:43,865 - Y'all need to "hairy" up. [laughs] 767 00:26:43,948 --> 00:26:45,657 - That your cousin? - I don't know. 768 00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:47,448 - I like her hair, though. - Um... [chuckles] 769 00:26:47,531 --> 00:26:48,657 - Can you do your hair like that? 770 00:26:48,740 --> 00:26:49,698 Like a helicopter? - Look, Chris-- 771 00:26:49,782 --> 00:26:50,698 - What about a train? - Look-- 772 00:26:50,782 --> 00:26:51,740 - Huh? - I'll think about a train-- 773 00:26:51,823 --> 00:26:52,823 - What about the Empire State Building? 774 00:26:52,907 --> 00:26:53,989 - I could do that. 775 00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:57,073 - Hey, Fatimah. 776 00:26:57,156 --> 00:26:59,281 Can't seem to find my mug. 777 00:26:59,365 --> 00:27:00,782 It's forest green, 778 00:27:00,865 --> 00:27:02,615 says "O.J. Simpson's My Hero"? 779 00:27:02,698 --> 00:27:05,114 - Neither of us can win, and nobody-- 780 00:27:05,198 --> 00:27:07,865 nope, that's not it. [laughter] 51791

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