Original subtitles

Oh, thank God.

I actually thought you were a killer tomato!

Good morning. It's 7:00.

Good morning. It's 7:00. Good morning. It's 7:00.

Good morning-

Congratulations. You've reached the city police department-

here to protect, serve and create this city...

where people of all races, creeds, colors...

ethnic persuasions and various sexual orientations...

can live together in harmonious bliss.

This is the office of Detective Lance Boyle.

If you are calling about a dog license...

please press "1"now from your touch-tone telephone.

If you have a question about a parking ticket...

please press "2"now.

If you're being robbed or murdered, press "3."

If you're calling for Detective Boyle directly...

or have questions about how you can become an Amway distributor...

just like me, leave your message after the tone.

Boyle. This is Captain Finletter.

I want you to get up to Crystal Mountain right away.

We've got two homicides. Messy ones.

Hey, Rood.

Over here.

Lance. Look.

We got a body here, and a body there.

Hey, come on. A move like that could cost me my Duncan Triple-A rating.

- Come on. They're right over here. - Yeah? How bad is it?

Twelve years on the force, I have never seen anything like it.

- Cheese! - Excuse me. This one is cut up real bad.

Ugh. Boy, that hockey's a rough sport.

He stinks, too. Smell like my granddaddy. Eew.

That's not the worst of it.

Are you sure you're ready for this, Lance? It's not a pretty picture.

Hey, when you've been around as long as I have, pal, you've seen it- Oh!

Gross!

You want us to take blood samples before the tomato expert get here?

Uh, blood samples? Sure, go ahead. Oh!

- What tomato expert? - DoctorJohnson.

From the university. Captain recommended her.

- Tomatologist. - Toma-what?

Tomatologist. Tomato research scientist.

Maybe I should be impressed or something.

But I'm not buying any of this "tomato attack" baloney.

Whoo! Here she come. Miss America. Mm, mm, mm.

Gentlemen. I am Dr. Johnson from the university.

I got here as quickly as... I could.

Oh, my God.

Did anyone see any tomatoes?

No, but we did have a report of renegade broccoli in the area...

and I've been keeping my eye on that raspberry bush over there-

What the lieutenant means is, we're checking out all possible leads.

That's fine. But I'd like to take a look around myself.

- If you don't mind. - Not at all.

Need any help, Doc?

No, thanks, dick.

Careful. You're drooling on the evidence.

- Ah, she's not even my type. - Smart and beautiful.

- No wonder she's lookin' at me. - Yeah. With pity.

- Damn! - When are you gonna learn how to shave?

Aah!

Fr-eeze!

One, two, three.

Lance. Come on.

- I got him! I got him! - Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Up, up, up.

Hmm. Look like a human hair. Like a fake mustache.

You're right. It even has a booger in it.

Why would a bush have a booger?

It's not a booger, Detective. It's...

tomato juice.

Just a minute.

L- Just a minute!

I said, just a minute!

Almost overnight, this man has emerged...

as the hottest star on television.

Known simply as "Jeronahew,"

his Talk to Your Friends show has skyrocketed to number one.

Who is he? Where does he come from?

America's newest celebrity isn't saying.

And it really doesn't matter to his legions of adoring fans.

Igor!

The Talk to Your Friends show has become the talk of the town.

Every town, if one believes the latest ratings.

Broadcasting from his secluded studio high atop Crystal Mountain...

Jeronahew gives America what it wants to see- and then some.

Mr. And Mrs. America: Perversity...

or simply a desperate, misguided stab at the ultimate?

Jeronahew: Color him brash, bold, controversial.

And very, very successful.

Jeronahew: The new lord of tabloid television.

Reporting for Entertainment Ad Nauseam-

"Lord of tabloid television. " Not bad.

Here are those overnight ratings, Dr. Gangreen.

- I told you never to call me that! - I'm sorry, Geronimo.

Not Geronimo! Jeronahew. Hugh Downs. Hugh Hefner. Humongous!

Excuse me, Jeronahew.

I told you never to touch me.

It's Jeronahew, and don't ever touch me.

Oh, ratings are up all across the board.

Young. Old. And we're killing in the 18-to-35-year-olds...

who-never-graduated- from-junior-high-school market.

Oh, my plan is working perfectly. Flawlessly!

- Who are the guests today, dweeb? - Three heroes.

Heroes? Well, that's good. Talk show audiences love heroes. Who are they?

Dr. KennediJohnson. Big-time tomatologist.

Wilbur Finletter. Former government agent and hero of both tomato wars.

And... Fuzzy Tomato.

- F. T? - Yes. He's famous!

Of course he's famous, you dolt!

You were there. Don't you remember?

That ungrateful little fuzz ball...

came from my laboratory- I made him!

And then what happens? Hejoins that boob, Finletter...

and foils my most recent plan to rule the world!

I was that close, and Finletter and that little mutant...

stumbled in and ruined everything.

- I'm sorry, professor. - What?

I mean, Jeronahew. I'll cancel the show if you want me to.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

This may be the perfect opportunity to throw everyone completely off my trail.

Book 'em, Igor.

Hey, turn it to Channel 5. The captain's on.

It's time for America's man of the hour, Jeronahew.

Today, Jeronahew welcomes Captain Wilbur Finletter...

Tomatologist KennediJohnson, and famous vegetable, Fuzzy Tomato.

Hey, Rood. Get a load of this.

Tomatoes: Love apples or hate mongers?

Tell us, Captain Finletter, how do you feel about tomatoes now?

How do I feel? Well, Jeronahew, I've been fighting killer tomatoes...

for over 13 years.

I know what they're like. Tomatoes are- They're-Tomatoes are-

Disgusting? Nauseating?

Incorrigible? Odious? Loathsome? Repulsive? Hideous? Contemptible?

- No, uh- - Antisocial?

- That's it! - So you really believe...

teensy-weensy tomatoes are dangerous?

Well, not all tomatoes. I believe what Captain Finletter means...

is that there are bad tomatoes...

and there are good tomatoes.

Ah, yes. The famous "F. T."

A good tomato. You're not dangerous, are you?

- Danger? No. - You wouldn't turn your back on a former friend, would you?

- Friend? - You're not the type to betray a friendship...

double-cross a confidante, turn against the very person who created you?

Tomatoes. Basically sweet, harmless creatures.

With one notable exception.

That's not fair! Everybody loves F. T!

And that exception is F. T...

and the lowlife humans who make a living from people's irrational fear...

of red vegetables.

Oh!

There are no killer tomatoes.

You got that right.

I'm glad you could join me today, because...

I'm your friend.

And you can always talk to your friend.

You tell 'em, Jeronahew. "My friend. " Yeah, right.

Wait until I try to borrow his lawn mower.

- Lance, haven't you got anything better to do?

Oh, sure. While the captain does the talk show circuit...

I get all the best cases.

Like this woman who claims that Martians invaded her house...

and reupholstered her furniture?

In pink corduroy, no less. 23 reported sightings of Elvis at the Bowlarama.

And these swell tomato murders.

When am I gonna get a real case?

Let's face it, Lance. Your image isn't the best.

- Hey, I'm as good a cop as anyone in the city. - Maybe.

But you gotta prove it first. Now, these tomato murders might be your big break.

Solve them, and you become a hero like F.T.

Tomato murders? Ha! There's no such thing as a "killer tomato. "

There's a logical explanation here, and it doesn't have anything to do with vegetables.

Detectives. Boyle.

What? Yeah.

Well, I'm off to save the world from another vicious, unprovoked produce attack.

Told you I should have gone into the Midas Muffler manager training program.

Au revoir, Mr. Big Shot.

Oh, my God. You should have seen it!

I was driving along, and I turned the corner-

- Oh, it was terrible! - Boy, I'll say.

They'll never get this stuff off the seat covers.

Oh! It was awful. They robbed me. I sent a call for help.

And then they took the whole news crew hostage.

- Who did? - Tomatoes. A whole gaggle of them.

- "Gaggle"? - Giggle. Goggle. Gurgle. Gazillion.

Like a herd. A horde. A- A-A litter. Well, a whole lot.

- Oh, ho! - Oh, ho, lads.

What do we have in here? Ah, good work, boys.

Good work.

Here's a snack for ya.

- More food! More food! - What?

- More food. - More fertilizer?

You've already had plenty. Be glad for what you got. Get out of here.

More food!

I said, out of here!

Here's Cal Worthington and his dog, Spot!

The power...

of really bad television.

It's universal.

This time, I shall not fail.

No! No! No!

Yes. Hello, Police.

I'd like to report a killer tomato attack.

Mm-hmm.

This is great. You know, I've been a reporter for 23 years...

and this is the first time I've ever seen anyone show us any kind of appreciation.

Yeah. I'd love to be a reporter.

I mean, I am one.

- Can I have your autograph? - Charles!

Charles White. Hey, fellow, long time no see.

Betty! Willy Makeit. Willy Makeit, Betty Won't.

- Betty, nice to meet you. - When was the last time?

Oh, I remember. It was when that train demolished that school bus, wasn't it?

No. No, it was the mass poisoning at the old folks' home.

Of course! Love your hair. Like mine?

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the distinguished press...

welcome to Media Appreciation Day.

In our own small way, we would like to show our gratitude...

for the finejob you have all been doing...

filming disasters, interviewing grieving relatives...

and trivializing important world events.

We would like to begin our celebration...

by inviting you all to the food pavilion for free refreshments.

- Hey, what's going on? - I think we're moving.

Hey, maybe we're going for takeout.

Tell me: How did you feel when you realized that you were being kidnapped?

Detective Boyle, right? Does Ringling Brothers know you're available?

I could use a hand.

Very funny.

New urban crime-fighting gear?

Hey, don't mess with my toys.

- I came here to help. If you don't need me, then- - Wait!

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm still a little shook up. Please?

Okay. Tell me what happened, Dr. Johnson.

- First off, I'll need your full name. - Kennedi. KennediJohnson.

I was conceived during the 1960 Democratic National Convention.

- Second ballot. - Makes sense.

Now, where were you when this... alleged attack took place?

- I was taking a shower. - Naked?

Just asking!

Could be important.

Hmm.

- What is it? - Nasty soap scum.

You know, there's a fine Amway product that'll take that off in no time.

- You spray the stuff on- - Great. I call for a cop, I get Hints from Heloise.

We are talking attempted murder here. Twice!

I don't see any tomatoes, do you?

That's because I smashed them down the drain!

Oh, sure. Let me see. You were taking a shower...

a tomato broke into your apartment, snuck into your bathroom...

flung open your shower curtain, scoped out this nasty soap scum, and tried to kill you.

Let me get out my birth certificate. Ah, yeah. The 15th.

I was born yesterday. I'm buyin' this.

I know it sounds far-fetched, but you've got to believe me!

You do research, right? Research on tomatoes?

We've established that.

Well, has anyone else reported any tomato attacks?

Well, not exactly.

So, your credibility ranks somewhere between...

used car salesman and TVpreacher.

I need something more concrete-

More concrete?

I'll have you know that I graduated in the top 314 in my class...

from Ivy League University, president of the debate team, varsity field hockey cocaptain...

sorority 16-ounce Budweiser chug champion.

Maybe you've heard the expression, "We ain't leavin' till we're heavin"'?

Well, I wrote that. That's right, Detective Boyle.

I possess more than a couple of things in my favor when it comes to credibility.

If you think that you can just waltz into my house and question my veracity- well!

You've got another thing coming, Mr. Hotshot Super Dude!

Are you listening to me?

Oh! I have been attacked without provocation.

Hmm.

Twice! Now, you are a public servant.

So serve!

Help! He's got me!

I'm being strangled!

Piece o' cake, boss.

- I locked 'em all in the brainwash room. - Perfect.

Flawless. Reporters.

Hair spray.

Let me tell you about a kid, Igor.

An eight-year-old, insecure, fragile child...

who rose from obscurity to win-yes, win...

the second grade spelling bee of Washington Elementary School.

Was that good enough for the evening news? No!

So I despise the media.

But I had a plan.

To rise above it. To become the best media personality ever.

And when the public started to support me...

the rest of the media snubbed me at every turn.

"You're not a journalist. You're a talk show host. "

Why, I can't even get a press pass.

Did I get an invitation to Jane Pauley's baby shower? No.

Does Willard Scott announce my birthday on the air? Uh-uh.

Did I go to the Shriver-Schwarzenegger wedding? No!

Why, Ed McMahon never even sent me a sweepstakes entry.

Well.

If you can't join 'em, beat 'em!

Step one is complete. Now comes the good stuff.

It's okay. You can laugh.

- Boyle! - Sir?

How's that investigation coming into those tomato attacks?

Oh, I'm sure I'll get to the bottom of it just as soon as I crack...

that "Bowling Elvis" mystery.

You still think this is a joke, don't you?

Not at all. I'm fully prepared. Tomato Be Gone.

- Economy size. - Listen, buster. This is no joke.

Reports of criminal tomato activity are on the increase.

I want you to go down to the university and pick Dr. Johnson's brain.

I'd do it myself, but I'm doing Oprah this afternoon.

Good thing he didn't see my can of Captain Be Gone.

Wow. Neat. Hmm.

On our expedition, we found that the tomato was our friend.

Brother. Tomato Pods.

- Anybody home? - Well, well, well. Detective Boyle.

I see we survived the banana attack.

I'd like you to meet F.T. Fuzzy Tomato?

- This is the detective I was telling you about. - Mm!

Oh, right. The TV star.

- Don't eat me, okay? - F.T. Is a good tomato.

- Man's best friend. - Really? Man's best friend.

- Play dead, fuzz face. - Tomatoes aren't born bad. Some are just grown that way.

Yeah. Right.

Detective!

Watch. Watch this.

In this tank are five piranha fish from the Black Sea.

The most dangerous predator known to man- until now.

Impressive, but hardly convincing.

You'd be convinced, if you'd studied tomatoes the way I have.

They can be very dangerous.

And they despise humans.

When are you going to get it through your head that there is no such thing...

as a killer tomato?

Fine! If that's what you believe, then why are you here?

- The captain made me come. - So sorry you're put through such torture.

Well, that's what they pay me for.

Glad to see my tax dollars are going to such a good cause.

You stay out of this. I'm leaving.

- Good. - Good.

Good!

He's amusing. I'll give him that.

Tomatology.

Uh-huh. Oh. One moment.

- It's for you. The zoo. - Hello?

Damn!

"Stay away from KennediJohnson or else.

Signed, Your Friend. "

"Your Friend. " Yeah, right.

F.T., you little slime. I'm on to you.

Here he is. I'm sorry. We got here as quick as we could.

Hey. That's my wife.

Hey. Kid line's over there. Get out. Ow!

Hey. Oh, Herb. I have reservations.

No. Leave me alone. Not the legs.

Don't push. Not the legs. No!

Come on, Sheila. This way.

Sheila, stop it.

Aah!

Sheila! Bad dog.

Good afternoon, everyone...

and welcome to the zoo's spectacular aquabatics show.

Today, we have a very special treat.

Please welcome our surprise celebrity guest:

The world-famous F. T.

Boo!

And now, on with the show!

Yippee! Yea!

Hello, Bulgarian Embassy?

This is Jeronahew. That's "Hugh," as in "Hugh Hefner. "

Oh! You know the show!

Thank you. I enjoy doing it myself.

Would you hold on, please?

Shut up! I'm on long distance.

- Hello. - Da.

I'd like to buy 30 minutes on Bulgarian TVThursday night.

Price is no object.

Thank you.

Yes. I'll send an autographed photo. Good-bye!

Perfect!

Open the door!

Oh! The city's finest.

Back!

Friends of yours?

Maybe they smell Australian Bush Dog.

Oh, really? Sounds like you've been to the zoo.

Look, whether you like it or not...

Detective Rood and I have been assigned to protect you 24 hours a day...

seven days a week, 364 days a year.

- Three hundred and sixty-four? - Groundhog Day.

Terrific. My worst nightmares are coming to life.

I'm flattered that you dream about me, but right now...

I need to take a shower.

Ugh. All right!

But I'm only doing this for my sake. You are smelling up my apartment.

A thousand thanks.

Igor? It's time to terminate a certain tomatologist.

- Much better. - Nice legs, Detective.

Do you have any accessories to go with it? Maybe some pumps...

and a nice necklace?

May I offer you a drink instead?

Sure. Uh, hot chocolate?

- Would you like something in that? - Uh, marshmallows?

- I'll see what I have. - The little ones are great. You get one in every gulp.

- Mind if I turn on your TV set? - Be my guest.

- It's now, it's new. It's me, it's you.

It's Jeronahew- the people's friend.

This show is everywhere.

Well, I watch a lot of television...

and I like the show because first...

Jeronahew talks, and then the guests talk, and now I get to talk.

I trust him more than my own mother.

I can tell you this.

If more kids watched it, there'd be a lot less...

potential criminals out there.

Great.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Not bad for no marshmallows.

- Not bad for no clothes. - Thanks for caring.

- Hey, now. That's a nice family. - Why, thank you.

Actually, I don't have a family. Yet!

That's my sister's-

The picture that came with the frame.

Oh, yeah. I thought I recognized that. I have the...

same frame family on my desk too.

Yeah.

My father pushed me into science.

Not that I mind, it's just that-

Well, I had a dream.

- It was stupid. - No, tell me.

Well-

I wanted to be a dancer.

- Topless? - Ballet.

Oh, right.

- So, where do I sleep? - How about in your apartment in your bed?

Now, wait just a minute there, Doctor Einstein.

I'm supposed to protect you. I can't do that from 20 miles away.

Then sleep in the hallway. In the alley. In the street! I don't care.

- But you're not spending the night in this apartment. - And what about your safety?

I thought you were afraid of things that go squish in the night.

Ha! I've managed to survive two killer tomato attacks without your help.

Fine. Fine. You don't need my help.

What, are we afraid the detective's going to jump our bones?

Let me tell you one thing- it's going to take a lot more...

than a pair of shapely legs, a great figure...

and full, pouting, sensual, collagen-injected lips...

- to keep me here. - Good!

Out!

I'll tell you one thing right now- I'll be back!

Because when you call a professional, you get what you paid for!

Official police business. Break it up.

Ow! Damn it!

Remember, Leo- the only good tomatologist...

- is a dead tomatologist. - Don't worry, boss.

Go for it.

Break a leg, Maurice.

Is this a great job, or what?

Basically, you get up when you want to...

you're your own boss, the pay's not bad...

and you get to rule the world.

I love it.

Excuse me.

Forgot my shoes. Is that a crime?

Help!

Lance! Thank God you came back. That was great!

Not that great. I'm still hooking to the left.

I guess I owe you an apology. Maybe there is something...

to this tomato thing after all.

- Why did you come back? - A good detective can sense danger.

- Aah! - Oh! Maybe you should stay here, after all.

Maybe I should.

But you're still sleeping in the living room.

Damn!

I want to make a transfer of $400 from my savings account to my checking account.

Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me?

You callin' me Pee-wee Head? You callin' me Pee-wee Head?

She's callin' me Pee-wee Head! Can you believe this over here?

Go ahead. Say "Pee-wee Head. " Go ahead. Say it, say it!

- I'm not calling you anything. - You calling me Lee Harvey Oswald Head?

You calling me Lee Harvey Oswald Head? Huh?

She's calling me Lee Harvey Oswald Head. Can you believe this?

Say Lee Harvey Oswald Head. Say it, say it, say it!

All I want is a simple transfer.

Are you calling me Mr. Potato Head? You are calling me Mr. Potato Head.

- Aren't you, chick? Yeah! Yes, you are. - No.

No, I'll show you Mr. Potato Head. This is Mr. Potato Head!

- Go ahead! Say it, say it! - If only you would listen to me.

You callin' me "Banjo Player from Deliverance"?

No. I'm calling you the teller who's being robbed and then held hostage.

Put the pedal to the metal, dude!

Drive, dweeb, drive!

This is getting weird, Lance.

Bank tellers, hockey players, media types...

all gone.

And The City News is being printed by schoolkids.

I really like the new easy-to-read format.

Get serious, will ya. It's your butt that's on the line.

- Any bright ideas, Sherlock? - Oh, Captain!

Can we talk to you for a minute? We have a tomato-related question.

Ah, tomatoes. Red spuds.

Alar-covered veggies.

Migrant worker backache-producers. Flamed fruits.

Bad-act audience bombs.

Produce boy, bug-infested nightmares.

Yeah, I know tomatoes. What about 'em?

Uh, well, about those tomato murders-

Ah, tomato murders, the kind of sick, senseless violence...

that makes a cat want to have his guts ripped out and turned into racquet strings...

to be used by McEnroe while he belittles chair umpires.

Yeah, the kind of blatant disregard for human life...

that makes an otherwise decent grade-school teacher...

want to drag her fingernails on the blackboard...

until her pupils'eardrums begin to bleed.

The kind of senseless, needless-

Uh, Captain, um...

where do you think, on the remote chance that there are such things as killer tomatoes...

that a detective might go to find information to crack this case?

Try the Slip Inn.

Ask for Sam Smith. He runs the place.

Old war buddy of mine. Ex-F.V.I.

"F.V. I?"

Federal Vegetable Investigations.

God will get you for this.

You see, my pencil-necked friend...

soon I will control the media completely...

and he who controls the media controls the world!

And he who controls the world...

does not have to stand in line!

Aah! You may think you're the big, bad boss of the world, but you're not.

Go ahead, you small-minded dink. Make fun.

And speaking of fun, let's have some.

I'll do the laughing.

You know what I like to do for fun?

I like to drive around the city and collect all the dead cats I can find...

take 'em home and, oh, I don't know...

put 'em in a circle...

and, for a few precious moments, I am the leader!

Land 13 to Base. Land-

Damn.

"Lance, I'm being attacked by a swarm of vicious tomatoes.

"If you never see me again...

- "it's been swell. - Shoo!

P.S. Tell Captain Finletter he's a good-for-noth"-

- That's it. - My God, that's awful.

I'll say.

There's one, two, three punctuation errors, he misspelled "vicious"-

And what's a "good-for-noth"?

Look! There's more!

"If you want to see Rood again...

"stay away from KennediJohnson.

Signed, Your Friend. "

Now, that's penmanship. Look at this "K"-

What are you going to do?

Well, I guess the first thing we'd better do...

is check out that bar Captain Finletter told me about.

"We?"

- You mean you're inviting me to come along? - Huh?

Uh, sure. I mean, I am assigned to work with you.

And, anyway, I guess I don't mind you hanging around.

Why, after last night I didn't even think you liked me.

Well, "like" is a pretty strong word.

A- Actually, I- I think I'm falling for you!

What?

I said, I think I'm-

L-

I think I'm falling-

I think I'm-

I think I'm...

Falling!

What was it you were trying to say?

Uh, somebody oughta close that window over there. It's a little drafty.

- Oh. - Come on. We'd better get going.

Right. I'll get my coat.

Good-for-noth? Bush for the booger?

This could get dangerous...

so try not to act conspicuous...

and do exactly what I do.

Run for it! These tomatoes are killers!

Oy vey.

There you go, bro. I said just a minute!

Huh?

Oh, here we go!

Don't get many two-legged types in here.

What'll it be?

Uh, Bloody Mary.

No, no!

- Make that a club soda. - Me too.

That's better.

Be right with you.

Hey, daddy, lose the cash cow.

- Cut that out. - Sorry.

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Hickory-dickory- Dock.

Kinda gives new meaning to the term "salad bar,"doesn't it?

You two looking for someone?

- No. - Yes.

- Yeah. - No.

No.

Well, actually, Captain Finletter sent us.

Finletter.

Kinda figured he had something to do with this.

Check out the booth over there.

Hey, you!

Stop chewin' on the table!

Stupid tomatoes.

Nice hat.

- What did he say? - He likes yours too.

I'll handle this.

- He needs a hundred bucks. - A hundred bucks?

He needs the other 50.

- The- - Get it!

Uh-huh.

Right.

Got it. Thanks.

Come on. Let's get outta here.

Well? Well? What did he say?

He said, "Follow the stars. "

"Follow the stars"? A hundred and fifty bucks for "Follow the stars"?

- What's that supposed to mean? - I don't know!

You're the cop! Start acting like one! Come on!

Let's... rock and roll!

This is fruitless.

That astrologist told me I had a future in car parts. Do you see car parts in there?

Will you stop! We have been at this all day with nothing to show for it.

I know. I'm really worried about Rood.

It's just not like him to be kidnapped and held hostage.

Think. "Follow the stars. "

It has to mean something.

Hey. Hey! Hey!

Wait for me! Wait-Aw!

That's it! Jeronahew's Camp Broadcasting School!

- Not affiliated with CBS, Incorporated. - Of course!

That place up on Crystal Mountain! What better spot for a hideout?

And it's only a half mile from where we found those bodies.

Kennedi, grab your Charlie's Angels lunch box.

We're going back to school.

Oh, God-

This place gives me the creeps.

What did you pack in this suitcase?

Why is it so dark? Maybe we should come back later. There's nobody here.

Good evening and welcome to Camp Broadcasting School.

Not affiliated with CBS, Incorporated or the Columbia School of Broadcasting.

It's a great night for checking in.

I'm your clerk, Charles White.

What can I do for you?

Uh, we'd like a room, please.

Rookies? Great.

Just sign right here, and you're in.

Don't use our real names.

What name am I supposed to use?

I don't know. Think of something.

- Is there a problem? - Uh, no.

We just got married and can't decide which name to use.

Well, how about Fahrvergnuegen?

It's my favorite.

Thank you.

Bellboy, please show Mr. And Mrs. Goodwrench to their room.

Looks heavy.

Uh, bird-watching equipment.

Thanks anyway, pal. I got it.

Oh! Thank you!

Hey, does that bellboy look a little familiar to you?

- Uh, I didn't notice. - Wait a minute. I recognize him now.

That's F.T. I knew that shaggy beach ball was up to something.

You've got it all wrong. F.T. Is our friend.

I asked him to come here and snoop around. I thought maybe he could help us.

Well, I Hope he has a day job.

Ah, newlyweds.

Bird-watching equipment!

Goodwrench.

Yeah, I think that astrologer put a car hex on me.

Lance, let's get started.

Right.

We've got to find Rood.

I thought I told you to pack binoculars.

We'll see much farther with that.

Now, we need a password or a secret knock.

- Secret knock? - Yes.

Z- No, no. That's not it.

X- L-Z- No.

Z- L-

Xylophone. X- Y-L-O-P-H-O-N-E. Xylophone.

Big deal. So you can spell. That's no reason for you to kidnap brainwashed reporters.

They irritate me, Mr. Rood...

just like greedy politicians...

lazy salesclerks and nosy cops.

But all that...

is about to change.

It's time for a worldwide attitude adjustment.

Starting with you.

- You're mad! - No, I'm not mad. Just angry.

- Why, man? - Why?

Don't you just hate it when you're in a movie theater and the person behind you says...

- "Whoa! Watch this! This is where she gets killed!" - Hey, that happens. Damn!

That's nothing compared to when you order a salad with dressing on the side...

and the waiter brings the salad 40 minutes later...

with a huge glob of dressing all over it.

That's not the worst thing that happens in a restaurant.

How come the food you order never looks like the food in the pictures?

And how come you have to ask for a lousy glass of water?

Oww!

- Why does it have to be so dark in here? - Shh!

We can't turn on the light or somebody might see us.

- Can you see anything? - Yeah.

A big tree.

Wait a minute. It's a nose hair.

Lance! Look at this.

Bingo! That's Rood, all right. Come on!

All right, one more time, now. Action.

Now patching for the Pidres- pitching for the Padres-

Look, just relax.

If you say it right, he will come. Okay.

Now pitching for the Padres, number 11, Craig Lefferts.

Uh, go get 'em, Craig.

- Hey, all right! You'll make a broadcaster yet!

The give-and-go, and in the paint-

Remember, rude is the secret. Rude. Now try again.

Well, all of the sudden the mightyJets have fallen apart.

You guys have allowed 236 goals in the last three games.

That's abysmal, atrocious, crummy, disastrous, despicable, execrable...

God-awful, horrible, ignominious-

We'd be doing a lot better if our goalie wasn't dead!

All right! Rude and obnoxious!

Very good!

- Of course. That's it! - The dead goalie from Scene One.

I knew I'd seen him somewhere before.

- It's locked. - No kidding!

We need a lock pick. What have you got in your purse?

Nothing like a lock pick.

You're right. Nothing like a lock pick.

They were out of mace. A girl's gotta protect herself.

- What would you like to try first? - How about "open sesame. "

Why is it every time I fly commercial...

my bags are the last ones off the conveyor belt?

- You're lucky. My bags never even get there. - Wait.

- Do you hear that? - Sometimes people drive me crazy.

Yes, yes, yes!

Why does the tallest guy in the ballpark always sit right in front of me?

Yes, and he's the only one in the whole damn section smoking.

Why is it that a five-minute wait in a restaurant is more like five years?

Is time different for restaurant people, like it is for dogs?

Precisely! And have you ever had to stand in a buffet line behind some old lady...

picking over the fried chicken?

- You'll starve to death! - Yeah! Why doesn't somebody do something about that?

It drives me crazy when I ask, "Is it Monday today?" and some idiot says, "Yep, all day!"

Or, "Did you get a haircut?"

No, I got them all cut!

Now that you're in the mood, Mr. Rood...

how about some television?

- It's the Universal Home Shopping Network.

- This cubic zirconium weed trimmer attachment-

Can't you see I'm brainwashing?

I'm sorry, Professor- I mean, Jeronahew.

The door downstairs has been opened.

- Someone has entered the secured area. - Zounds!

A 19th-century French pastry decanter.

Help me. Somebody please help me.

And speaking of pastries-

Rood! Snap out of it!

Lance! Dr. Johnson!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

That lunatic was starting to make sense.

Evan, you go get the captain.

I've got that maladjusted mastermind right where I want him.

Man, I think you are crazy.

But I have always thought you were crazy.

You know, you'll make a decent cop yet.

And you can really show off the purple glaze...

- when you place it next to one of these... - Let's go!

- Right. - Glow-in-the dark, plastic pineapple centerpieces...

which make great doorstops.

- First thing we gotta do is get rid of that telescope. - Why?

Do you think they're on to us?

Possibly.

- That was close! - More than close!

Look at my pajamas! Now I'm angry!

Help! Help!

Ninja tomatoes? That does it!

Damn!

Aha!

A piece of broken bark.

I must be getting close.

Hostages.

Good or bad, rich or poor, foreign or domestic-

Do they have a purpose? How much money do they make?

Today we welcome two hostages to our show.

One's a former hostage, one's a hostage now...

and maybe some of you can become future hostages!

On with our show!

Today's guests include former hostage Sherri Coke...

author of the best seller The Hostage Diet: How to Beat the Cravings.

And our other guest is a current hostage.

We're not gonna reveal her name to you right now.

We'll see if you can guess who she is by the end of the show.

The booger bush.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

Hello! Wilbur! Over here!

Great job, Professor. They love ya!

Yeah, scary, isn't it? Quickly! It's almost time!

Yes, sir, the satellite uplink is ready.

In 30 minutes the world will be ours.

Yours. I get the-

You get East Lansing and the Kmart in Rutherford, New Jersey.

- The tomatoes are assembled? - Yes.

They await you at the temple of food.

Onward to destiny!

Oh!

Bacon!

Lettuce!

Human!

A human!

Mayonnaise!

Pepper!

Hold the onion.

Your time has come, tomatologist.

Your research grant has just been permanently canceled.

Prepare to meet thy doom.

Well, you wanted to be a cop.

I would have been bored in the muffler business anyway.

Your insidious research to uncover tomato aggression...

was the only possible thing...

that could have foiled my plan...

for total world domination!

Yes, tomatoes...

do hate humans!

But only half as much as I do!

Stop in the name of the law! The city police!

Don't move!

Igor!

Darn!

I was afraid this was gonna happen.

You'll never get away with this, Jeronahew!

Get away with it, Mr. Boyle?

I already have.

I've kidnapped every member of the media. Hadn't you noticed?

Have a look. See what they've resorted to.

From Washington, it's the Evening News.

Is that Ted Koppel?

America has become a land of mindless boobs.

Americans would watch a chimp read the news. They are watching a chimp read the news!

The tomatoes.

- They're going into a feeding frenzy! - Feeding frenzy?

Yes! They hate to wait for food. You should see them at wedding receptions.

- Lfhe doesn't shut up, we're gonna be in real trouble. - If he does, they'll eat us!

Um, so what's your plan?

I mean, the kidnappings are nice, but why all the robberies?

To buy television time, Mr. Boyle, worldwide.

In just five minutes...

I'll begin a live broadcast to every TV station in the entire world!

I'm gonna fix things my way!

I'm gonna brainwash every couch potato on this imperfect planet.

Why, the whole human race makes me sick!

Incompetent nincompoops! Surly bank tellers! Ignorant clerks!

People who write six-dollar checks in supermarket express lanes!

Parents who take their crying babies to movie theaters!

People who drive 58 in the fast lane!

Men who leave the toilet seat up!

Well, it's true!

Yes! What about all those psycho garbagemen who come around at 4:30 in the morning?

They're not content to just take the garbage and go. No, no, no, no, no!

They've gotta let everyone know they've gotta get up and go to work in the middle of the night!

Yeah! The guy who empties my Dumpster does that too!

Why doesn't he drive that truck into the side of my building and make sure I'm awake!

No, he has to take that big truck-

Like he's got one gooey tissue lodged up in the Dumpster...

and he's gonna shake that thing free if it's the last thing he does before 5:00 a. M!

- Aah! Look out! - It worked!

- Let's get outta here! - This way!

Not me, you dolt! After them!

Four minutes to air, Professor!

Lose the toast, Igor.

It's show time!

No! We're trapped!

There has to be a way to open this door- a button, a lever, a hidden switch!

- Something! - Yes!

Quick! Lock the door!

- Oh! - Oh, that was close!

- Ain't nobody gonna open this door. - Oops.

Uh, our mistake.

- We were just, uh- - Leaving!

- Come on, do something! - Me? Why don't you do something?

- I did do something! - Oh, you did?

Yeah! "Let's go in here,"you said.

"We'll be safe in here," you said.

Ha! Maybe I can find another door.

Ohh!

New from Whiz Co, the amazing Chop-A-Matic slicer-dicer.

It slices! It dices! It meeses! It mices!

The environmentally sensitive Chop-A-Matic...

features fully digital manual energy-saving operation.

It's safe and easy to use. Just watch.

If you want the best, forget the rest.

Look at them. They're completely hypnotized by that commercial.

That's it! They've been reprogrammed for bad television!

Free accessories- all-weather compass, compatible back-scratcher...

heavy-duty tire gauge...

plus the fabulous Flasho-Dasho for night slicing.

Take your Chop-A-Matic anywhere with this custom desi-

Attention, zombies! Cancel the intruders!

Repeat, cancel the intruders!

This has been a public service announcement.

Oh! Do something!

Uh, uh, the Rotco super-amazing cap baffler.

- Opens anything! - In a jiff!

Aah!

And that's not all!

If you enjoy gardening as much as I do- and I know you do-

you'll love the revolutionary new Raunchco garden gopher.

This super-aluminum cast construction assures years of worry-free operation.

And it's a breeze to clean!

- Simply spray it off when you're finished! - It's working! Keep going!

Um, uh, what would you pay for all this?

Don't answer, because if you order before midnight we're going to throw in free...

a copy of K-Smell's biggest-selling album, Mike Tyson's Greatest Hits.

March 7: Bonecrusher Smith!

June 27: Michael Spinks!

August 1: Robin Givens!

Didn't know you were a fight fan.

- The sweet science! - Look!

Stay tuned forJeronahew's worldwide television special...

the show guaranteed to make a brand-new you!

Quick! We have to stop them!

- This has gotta be one of my all-time worst days on the job. - The ketchup!

Use the hammer! Just do it!

Pour it on me!

Now is not the time to get kinky.

Tomatoes won't eat their own kind.

- If we smell like tomatoes, we'll be safe. - Okay, you're the expert.

Oh, it would have to be the good stuff!

Oh! Oh! Okay! All right, now you.

- Quick! - What are you doing?

My mom bought me this coat!

If we ever get in a food fight, I want you on my side.

Come on! We've gotta stopJeronahew!

Four, three, two, one. You're on!

Good evening.

I know you'll enjoy tonight's program on how to become...

the perfect you.

Hurry! Quick! This way!

I think it's time for a few film clips. You'll find them-

Detective Lance Boyle, the city police!

Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a fraud!

You're now watching a promo for next week's show on police brutality.

Don't listen to him! He's trying to brainwash all of you!

Pay no attention! Her boyfriend dunks doughnuts while crime abounds in the community!

Listen, people out there in television land.

This man hates human nature.

He's bent on total world domination...

and he's using subliminal TV mind control that-

That's right. That's right!

Subliminal TV mind control!

Nothing will prevent me from reprogramming the entire human race!

Oh, yeah? Well, I, as a member of the human race, and damned proud of it...

challenge you, self-appointed supreme being...

to a duel- mano a mano.

That's right- paint guns at 10 paces.

The person with the least splotches wins.

Choose your weapon, madman!

When I finish with you...

you'll look like you were on the wrong end of a Wagner power painter.

We'll see, won't we?

Ready.

Set-

I didn't say "go" yet.

Bad guys don't wait for "go. "

Igor!

I think it's time we popped this Boyle.

Don't-

- Oww! - Yee-hah!

F. T!

The guy's got a glass jaw.

Not exactly.

Oh! It's-

It's fertilizer.

Oh, no! I'm smelling!

I'm smelling!

Yum yum!

Leon? No. No.

Melman, we've known each other-

I- I'm your friend.

We can be reasonable, talk this over, you know.

Ohh! Not there!

Oh, no. Oh, no! I created you!

- No! - Yeah! Ha-ha!

Oh, what a world!

Oh, what a world!

You get the feeling you've seen this somewhere before?

- You're a mess! - I'm a mess? You should see yourself.

- Ooh. Pretty bad, huh? - Oh, it's awful.

Too awful to kiss?

Mmm.

I suppose I could give it a try.

What are you-

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the MFL Post-Film Show.

I'm CharlieJones live in the winners' locker room.

My broadcast partner down the hall in the losers' locker room.

We'll be going down the hall in just a moment to visit that scene.

But here is Steve Peace, the executive producer.

- Do you have a moment to visit with us? - Absolutely.

- What are your thoughts? - Well, we're pleased to have it in the can.

It was a little scary there for a while, but in the end came through.

We were only 43 weeks over schedule, but that's the business.

And in the end it's all these folks, these people, this crew.

It's to their credit.

In fact, there go the credits right now.

Oh. Yes.

Let's get the director-John DeBello! The director, John-

Can we get you here, John, to just- There's something- All right.

- There's something I'm really dying to ask you. - We're number one!

Yes, but let me tell you something.

In all of the months of shooting, the long hours and all of the overtime...

how many times did you yell "Cut"?

Okay, okay, that's fine. That's fine.

- This has to be a thrilling moment for you. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, anytime you make a movie, it's somethin'.

The cast was great. The crew was great.

- I mean, the movie's- - Great?

- Over. - Over. Yes.

- Okay, well, thank you. - Number one!

Rick? Where's Rick?

Rick, can we- can we break in there just for a moment?

Rick, you have to be very proud.

Uh-Thanks!

And thank you, Charlie. I'm just glad to be here.

Let's go to the videotape- the monitor here.

We have a scene that was cut from the film.

Take us inside the action here.

Okay, um, that's Kennedi.

Ah! I remember this scene.

Uh, I really had a lot of fun making this scene.

I'm sorry they cut it from the film.

- Had to be a thrill. - It was a real thrill.

Where's Kennedi? Kennedi!

- Kennedi, can you- - I'm gonna go do an interview over here.

- Congratulations. - Thank you very much.

- You have to be thrilled. - Oh, really, I am, I am.

And what are your thoughts about the scene we just saw on the monitor?

Well, Charlie, I worked out for two years to prepare for this role...

and I was surprised, frankly, when they cut that scene.

But I hope to get to do a movie real soon where I take all my clothes off.

Well, we're all wishing you the very best and we hope that that happens very soon...

for all of us.

Now let's go down the hall to the losers' locker room. Here's my broadcast colleague.

Charlie, I'm here with Dr. Mortimer Gangreen, a. k. a. Jeronahew.

Jeronahew, tough loss today.

Yeah, we had 'em, Chuck, but we gave it away at the end.

Gotta give 'em credit, though.

They got us out of our game plan. We made some mistakes.

- But I'll be back. You can count on it. - I'm sure you will be.

Charlie, back to you.

We're back here in the winners' locker room.

You know, these credits are hard to read backwards.

- I'm sorry, Charlie. Here. - Oh, thanks, Rick.

- Yea! - Good night!

That's it from here!

Am I too late?