All language subtitles for 03Killer Tomatoes Strike Back! (1991)

Oh, thank God.

I actually thought you were
a killer tomato!

Good morning. It's 7:00.

Good morning. It's 7:00.
Good morning. It's 7:00.

Good morning-

Congratulations. You've reached
the city police department-

here to protect, serve
and create this city...

where people of all races,
creeds, colors...

ethnic persuasions and various
sexual orientations...

can live together
in harmonious bliss.

This is the office of
Detective Lance Boyle.

If you are calling about
a dog license...

please press "1"now
from your touch-tone telephone.

If you have a question
about a parking ticket...

please press "2"now.

If you're being robbed
or murdered, press "3."

If you're calling for
Detective Boyle directly...

or have questions about how you can
become an Amway distributor...

just like me, leave
your message after the tone.

Boyle. This is Captain Finletter.

I want you to get up
to Crystal Mountain right away.

We've got two homicides.
Messy ones.

Hey, Rood.

Over here.

Lance. Look.

We got a body here,
and a body there.

Hey, come on. A move like that could
cost me my Duncan Triple-A rating.

- Come on. They're right over here.
- Yeah? How bad is it?

Twelve years on the force,
I have never seen anything like it.

- Cheese!
- Excuse me. This one is cut up real bad.

Ugh. Boy, that hockey's
a rough sport.

He stinks, too.
Smell like my granddaddy. Eew.

That's not the worst of it.

Are you sure you're ready for this, Lance?
It's not a pretty picture.

Hey, when you've been around as long
as I have, pal, you've seen it- Oh!

Gross!

You want us to take blood samples
before the tomato expert get here?

Uh, blood samples?
Sure, go ahead. Oh!

- What tomato expert?
- DoctorJohnson.

From the university.
Captain recommended her.

- Tomatologist.
- Toma-what?

Tomatologist.
Tomato research scientist.

Maybe I should be
impressed or something.

But I'm not buying any of this
"tomato attack" baloney.

Whoo! Here she come.
Miss America. Mm, mm, mm.

Gentlemen. I am Dr. Johnson
from the university.

I got here as quickly as...
I could.

Oh, my God.

Did anyone see any tomatoes?

No, but we did have a report
of renegade broccoli in the area...

and I've been keeping my eye
on that raspberry bush over there-

What the lieutenant means is,
we're checking out all possible leads.

That's fine. But I'd like to
take a look around myself.

- If you don't mind.
- Not at all.

Need any help, Doc?

No, thanks, dick.

Careful. You're drooling
on the evidence.

- Ah, she's not even my type.
- Smart and beautiful.

- No wonder she's lookin' at me.
- Yeah. With pity.

- Damn!
- When are you gonna learn how to shave?

Aah!

Fr-eeze!

One, two, three.

Lance. Come on.

- I got him! I got him!
- Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Up, up, up.

Hmm. Look like a human hair.
Like a fake mustache.

You're right. It even
has a booger in it.

Why would a bush
have a booger?

It's not a booger,
Detective. It's...

tomato juice.

Just a minute.

L- Just a minute!

I said, just a minute!

Almost overnight,
this man has emerged...

as the hottest star
on television.

Known simply as "Jeronahew,"

his Talk to Your Friends show
has skyrocketed to number one.

Who is he?
Where does he come from?

America's newest celebrity
isn't saying.

And it really doesn't matter
to his legions of adoring fans.

Igor!

The Talk to Your Friends show
has become the talk of the town.

Every town, if one believes
the latest ratings.

Broadcasting from his secluded studio
high atop Crystal Mountain...

Jeronahew gives America
what it wants to see- and then some.

Mr. And Mrs. America:
Perversity...

or simply a desperate,
misguided stab at the ultimate?

Jeronahew:
Color him brash, bold, controversial.

And very, very successful.

Jeronahew: The new lord
of tabloid television.

Reporting for
Entertainment Ad Nauseam-

"Lord of tabloid television. "
Not bad.

Here are those overnight ratings,
Dr. Gangreen.

- I told you never to call me that!
- I'm sorry, Geronimo.

Not Geronimo! Jeronahew. Hugh Downs.
Hugh Hefner. Humongous!

Excuse me, Jeronahew.

I told you never to touch me.

It's Jeronahew, and
don't ever touch me.

Oh, ratings are up
all across the board.

Young. Old. And we're killing
in the 18-to-35-year-olds...

who-never-graduated-
from-junior-high-school market.

Oh, my plan is working perfectly.
Flawlessly!

- Who are the guests today, dweeb?
- Three heroes.

Heroes? Well, that's good. Talk show
audiences love heroes. Who are they?

Dr. KennediJohnson.
Big-time tomatologist.

Wilbur Finletter. Former government
agent and hero of both tomato wars.

And... Fuzzy Tomato.

- F. T?
- Yes. He's famous!

Of course he's famous, you dolt!

You were there.
Don't you remember?

That ungrateful little fuzz ball...

came from my laboratory-
I made him!

And then what happens? Hejoins
that boob, Finletter...

and foils my most recent plan
to rule the world!

I was that close, and Finletter
and that little mutant...

stumbled in
and ruined everything.

- I'm sorry, professor.
- What?

I mean, Jeronahew.
I'll cancel the show if you want me to.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

This may be the perfect opportunity
to throw everyone completely off my trail.

Book 'em, Igor.

Hey, turn it to Channel 5.
The captain's on.

It's time for America's
man of the hour, Jeronahew.

Today, Jeronahew welcomes
Captain Wilbur Finletter...

Tomatologist KennediJohnson,
and famous vegetable, Fuzzy Tomato.

Hey, Rood.
Get a load of this.

Tomatoes:
Love apples or hate mongers?

Tell us, Captain Finletter,
how do you feel about tomatoes now?

How do I feel? Well, Jeronahew,
I've been fighting killer tomatoes...

for over 13 years.

I know what they're like. Tomatoes are-
They're-Tomatoes are-

Disgusting? Nauseating?

Incorrigible? Odious? Loathsome?
Repulsive? Hideous? Contemptible?

- No, uh-
- Antisocial?

- That's it!
- So you really believe...

teensy-weensy tomatoes
are dangerous?

Well, not all tomatoes.
I believe what Captain Finletter means...

is that there are bad tomatoes...

and there are good tomatoes.

Ah, yes. The famous "F. T."

A good tomato.
You're not dangerous, are you?

- Danger? No.
- You wouldn't turn your back on a former friend, would you?

- Friend?
- You're not the type to betray a friendship...

double-cross a confidante, turn against
the very person who created you?

Tomatoes. Basically
sweet, harmless creatures.

With one notable exception.

That's not fair!
Everybody loves F. T!

And that exception is F. T...

and the lowlife humans who make
a living from people's irrational fear...

of red vegetables.

Oh!

There are no killer tomatoes.

You got that right.

I'm glad you could join me
today, because...

I'm your friend.

And you can always talk
to your friend.

You tell 'em, Jeronahew.
"My friend. " Yeah, right.

Wait until I try to borrow
his lawn mower.

- Lance, haven't you got
anything better to do?

Oh, sure. While the captain
does the talk show circuit...

I get all the best cases.

Like this woman who claims that
Martians invaded her house...

and reupholstered her furniture?

In pink corduroy, no less. 23 reported
sightings of Elvis at the Bowlarama.

And these swell tomato murders.

When am I gonna get a real case?

Let's face it, Lance.
Your image isn't the best.

- Hey, I'm as good a cop as anyone in the city.
- Maybe.

But you gotta prove it first. Now, these
tomato murders might be your big break.

Solve them, and
you become a hero like F.T.

Tomato murders? Ha! There's
no such thing as a "killer tomato. "

There's a logical explanation here, and it
doesn't have anything to do with vegetables.

Detectives. Boyle.

What? Yeah.

Well, I'm off to save the world from another
vicious, unprovoked produce attack.

Told you I should have gone into the Midas
Muffler manager training program.

Au revoir, Mr. Big Shot.

Oh, my God.
You should have seen it!

I was driving along,
and I turned the corner-

- Oh, it was terrible!
- Boy, I'll say.

They'll never get this stuff
off the seat covers.

Oh! It was awful.
They robbed me. I sent a call for help.

And then they took
the whole news crew hostage.

- Who did?
- Tomatoes. A whole gaggle of them.

- "Gaggle"?
- Giggle. Goggle. Gurgle. Gazillion.

Like a herd. A horde.
A- A-A litter. Well, a whole lot.

- Oh, ho!
- Oh, ho, lads.

What do we have in here?
Ah, good work, boys.

Good work.

Here's a snack for ya.

- More food! More food!
- What?

- More food.
- More fertilizer?

You've already had plenty.
Be glad for what you got. Get out of here.

More food!

I said, out of here!

Here's Cal Worthington
and his dog, Spot!

The power...

of really bad television.

It's universal.

This time, I shall not fail.

No! No! No!

Yes. Hello, Police.

I'd like to report
a killer tomato attack.

Mm-hmm.

This is great. You know,
I've been a reporter for 23 years...

and this is the first time I've ever seen
anyone show us any kind of appreciation.

Yeah. I'd love
to be a reporter.

I mean, I am one.

- Can I have your autograph?
- Charles!

Charles White.
Hey, fellow, long time no see.

Betty! Willy Makeit.
Willy Makeit, Betty Won't.

- Betty, nice to meet you.
- When was the last time?

Oh, I remember. It was when that train
demolished that school bus, wasn't it?

No. No, it was the mass poisoning
at the old folks' home.

Of course! Love your hair. Like mine?

Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the distinguished press...

welcome to Media Appreciation Day.

In our own small way, we would
like to show our gratitude...

for the finejob
you have all been doing...

filming disasters,
interviewing grieving relatives...

and trivializing
important world events.

We would like to begin
our celebration...

by inviting you all to the food pavilion
for free refreshments.

- Hey, what's going on?
- I think we're moving.

Hey, maybe we're going
for takeout.

Tell me: How did you feel when you
realized that you were being kidnapped?

Detective Boyle, right? Does
Ringling Brothers know you're available?

I could use a hand.

Very funny.

New urban
crime-fighting gear?

Hey, don't mess with my toys.

- I came here to help. If you
don't need me, then- - Wait!

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm still a little shook up.
Please?

Okay. Tell me what
happened, Dr. Johnson.

- First off, I'll need your full name.
- Kennedi. KennediJohnson.

I was conceived during the 1960
Democratic National Convention.

- Second ballot.
- Makes sense.

Now, where were you when this...
alleged attack took place?

- I was taking a shower.
- Naked?

Just asking!

Could be important.

Hmm.

- What is it?
- Nasty soap scum.

You know, there's a fine Amway product
that'll take that off in no time.

- You spray the stuff on- - Great. I
call for a cop, I get Hints from Heloise.

We are talking
attempted murder here. Twice!

I don't see any tomatoes, do you?

That's because I smashed
them down the drain!

Oh, sure. Let me see.
You were taking a shower...

a tomato broke into your apartment,
snuck into your bathroom...

flung open your shower curtain, scoped out
this nasty soap scum, and tried to kill you.

Let me get out my birth certificate.
Ah, yeah. The 15th.

I was born yesterday.
I'm buyin' this.

I know it sounds far-fetched,
but you've got to believe me!

You do research, right?
Research on tomatoes?

We've established that.

Well, has anyone else
reported any tomato attacks?

Well, not exactly.

So, your credibility
ranks somewhere between...

used car salesman
and TVpreacher.

I need something more concrete-

More concrete?

I'll have you know that I graduated
in the top 314 in my class...

from Ivy League University, president of the
debate team, varsity field hockey cocaptain...

sorority 16-ounce Budweiser
chug champion.

Maybe you've heard the expression,
"We ain't leavin' till we're heavin"'?

Well, I wrote that.
That's right, Detective Boyle.

I possess more than a couple of things
in my favor when it comes to credibility.

If you think that you can just waltz into
my house and question my veracity- well!

You've got another thing coming,
Mr. Hotshot Super Dude!

Are you listening to me?

Oh! I have been attacked
without provocation.

Hmm.

Twice! Now, you are
a public servant.

So serve!

Help! He's got me!

I'm being strangled!

Piece o' cake, boss.

- I locked 'em all in the brainwash room.
- Perfect.

Flawless. Reporters.

Hair spray.

Let me tell you
about a kid, Igor.

An eight-year-old,
insecure, fragile child...

who rose from obscurity
to win-yes, win...

the second grade spelling bee
of Washington Elementary School.

Was that good enough
for the evening news? No!

So I despise the media.

But I had a plan.

To rise above it. To become
the best media personality ever.

And when the public
started to support me...

the rest of the media
snubbed me at every turn.

"You're not a journalist.
You're a talk show host. "

Why, I can't even
get a press pass.

Did I get an invitation to
Jane Pauley's baby shower? No.

Does Willard Scott announce
my birthday on the air? Uh-uh.

Did I go to the Shriver-Schwarzenegger
wedding? No!

Why, Ed McMahon never even
sent me a sweepstakes entry.

Well.

If you can't join 'em, beat 'em!

Step one is complete.
Now comes the good stuff.

It's okay. You can laugh.

- Boyle!
- Sir?

How's that investigation coming
into those tomato attacks?

Oh, I'm sure I'll get to the bottom of it
just as soon as I crack...

that "Bowling Elvis" mystery.

You still think this
is a joke, don't you?

Not at all. I'm fully prepared.
Tomato Be Gone.

- Economy size.
- Listen, buster. This is no joke.

Reports of criminal tomato activity
are on the increase.

I want you to go down to the university
and pick Dr. Johnson's brain.

I'd do it myself, but I'm doing Oprah
this afternoon.

Good thing he didn't see my can
of Captain Be Gone.

Wow. Neat. Hmm.

On our expedition, we found
that the tomato was our friend.

Brother. Tomato Pods.

- Anybody home?
- Well, well, well. Detective Boyle.

I see we survived the banana attack.

I'd like you to meet F.T.
Fuzzy Tomato?

- This is the detective I was telling you about.
- Mm!

Oh, right.
The TV star.

- Don't eat me, okay?
- F.T. Is a good tomato.

- Man's best friend.
- Really? Man's best friend.

- Play dead, fuzz face.
- Tomatoes aren't born bad. Some are just grown that way.

Yeah. Right.

Detective!

Watch. Watch this.

In this tank are five piranha fish
from the Black Sea.

The most dangerous predator
known to man- until now.

Impressive, but
hardly convincing.

You'd be convinced, if you'd
studied tomatoes the way I have.

They can be
very dangerous.

And they despise humans.

When are you going to get it through
your head that there is no such thing...

as a killer tomato?

Fine! If that's what you believe,
then why are you here?

- The captain made me come.
- So sorry you're put through such torture.

Well, that's what
they pay me for.

Glad to see my tax dollars
are going to such a good cause.

You stay out of this.
I'm leaving.

- Good.
- Good.

Good!

He's amusing.
I'll give him that.

Tomatology.

Uh-huh. Oh.
One moment.

- It's for you. The zoo.
- Hello?

Damn!

"Stay away from
KennediJohnson or else.

Signed, Your Friend. "

"Your Friend. "
Yeah, right.

F.T., you little slime.
I'm on to you.

Here he is. I'm sorry.
We got here as quick as we could.

Hey. That's my wife.

Hey. Kid line's over there.
Get out. Ow!

Hey. Oh, Herb.
I have reservations.

No. Leave me alone.
Not the legs.

Don't push.
Not the legs. No!

Come on, Sheila.
This way.

Sheila, stop it.

Aah!

Sheila! Bad dog.

Good afternoon, everyone...

and welcome to the zoo's
spectacular aquabatics show.

Today, we have a very special treat.

Please welcome our
surprise celebrity guest:

The world-famous F. T.

Boo!

And now, on with the show!

Yippee! Yea!

Hello, Bulgarian Embassy?

This is Jeronahew.
That's "Hugh," as in "Hugh Hefner. "

Oh! You know the show!

Thank you. I enjoy doing it myself.

Would you hold on, please?

Shut up!
I'm on long distance.

- Hello.
- Da.

I'd like to buy 30 minutes
on Bulgarian TVThursday night.

Price is no object.

Thank you.

Yes. I'll send an autographed photo.
Good-bye!

Perfect!

Open the door!

Oh! The city's finest.

Back!

Friends of yours?

Maybe they smell
Australian Bush Dog.

Oh, really? Sounds like
you've been to the zoo.

Look, whether you like it or not...

Detective Rood and I have been assigned
to protect you 24 hours a day...

seven days a week,
364 days a year.

- Three hundred and sixty-four?
- Groundhog Day.

Terrific. My worst nightmares
are coming to life.

I'm flattered that you dream
about me, but right now...

I need to take a shower.

Ugh. All right!

But I'm only doing this for my sake.
You are smelling up my apartment.

A thousand thanks.

Igor? It's time
to terminate a certain tomatologist.

- Much better.
- Nice legs, Detective.

Do you have any accessories
to go with it? Maybe some pumps...

and a nice necklace?

May I offer you a drink instead?

Sure. Uh, hot chocolate?

- Would you like something in that?
- Uh, marshmallows?

- I'll see what I have.
- The little ones are great. You get one in every gulp.

- Mind if I turn on your TV set?
- Be my guest.

- It's now, it's new.
It's me, it's you.

It's Jeronahew-
the people's friend.

This show is everywhere.

Well, I watch
a lot of television...

and I like the show
because first...

Jeronahew talks, and then the guests talk,
and now I get to talk.

I trust him more than
my own mother.

I can tell you this.

If more kids watched it,
there'd be a lot less...

potential criminals
out there.

Great.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Not bad
for no marshmallows.

- Not bad for no clothes.
- Thanks for caring.

- Hey, now. That's a nice family.
- Why, thank you.

Actually, I don't
have a family. Yet!

That's my sister's-

The picture that
came with the frame.

Oh, yeah. I thought
I recognized that. I have the...

same frame family on my desk too.

Yeah.

My father pushed me
into science.

Not that I mind,
it's just that-

Well,
I had a dream.

- It was stupid.
- No, tell me.

Well-

I wanted to be a dancer.

- Topless?
- Ballet.

Oh, right.

- So, where do I sleep?
- How about in your apartment in your bed?

Now, wait just a minute
there, Doctor Einstein.

I'm supposed to protect you.
I can't do that from 20 miles away.

Then sleep in the hallway.
In the alley. In the street! I don't care.

- But you're not spending the night in this apartment.
- And what about your safety?

I thought you were afraid of things
that go squish in the night.

Ha! I've managed to survive two killer
tomato attacks without your help.

Fine. Fine.
You don't need my help.

What, are we afraid the detective's
going to jump our bones?

Let me tell you one thing-
it's going to take a lot more...

than a pair of shapely legs,
a great figure...

and full, pouting, sensual,
collagen-injected lips...

- to keep me here.
- Good!

Out!

I'll tell you one thing
right now- I'll be back!

Because when you call a professional,
you get what you paid for!

Official police business.
Break it up.

Ow! Damn it!

Remember, Leo-
the only good tomatologist...

- is a dead tomatologist.
- Don't worry, boss.

Go for it.

Break a leg, Maurice.

Is this a great job, or what?

Basically, you get up
when you want to...

you're your own boss,
the pay's not bad...

and you get
to rule the world.

I love it.

Excuse me.

Forgot my shoes.
Is that a crime?

Help!

Lance! Thank God you came back.
That was great!

Not that great.
I'm still hooking to the left.

I guess I owe you an apology.
Maybe there is something...

to this tomato thing after all.

- Why did you come back?
- A good detective can sense danger.

- Aah!
- Oh! Maybe you should stay here, after all.

Maybe I should.

But you're still sleeping
in the living room.

Damn!

I want to make a transfer of $400 from
my savings account to my checking account.

Are you laughing at me?
Are you laughing at me?

You callin' me Pee-wee Head?
You callin' me Pee-wee Head?

She's callin' me Pee-wee Head!
Can you believe this over here?

Go ahead. Say "Pee-wee Head. "
Go ahead. Say it, say it!

- I'm not calling you anything.
- You calling me Lee Harvey Oswald Head?

You calling me
Lee Harvey Oswald Head? Huh?

She's calling me Lee Harvey Oswald Head.
Can you believe this?

Say Lee Harvey Oswald Head.
Say it, say it, say it!

All I want
is a simple transfer.

Are you calling me Mr. Potato Head?
You are calling me Mr. Potato Head.

- Aren't you, chick? Yeah! Yes, you are.
- No.

No, I'll show you Mr. Potato Head.
This is Mr. Potato Head!

- Go ahead! Say it, say it!
- If only you would listen to me.

You callin' me "Banjo
Player from Deliverance"?

No. I'm calling you the teller who's
being robbed and then held hostage.

Put the pedal to the metal, dude!

Drive, dweeb, drive!

This is getting weird, Lance.

Bank tellers, hockey players,
media types...

all gone.

And The City News
is being printed by schoolkids.

I really like the new
easy-to-read format.

Get serious, will ya.
It's your butt that's on the line.

- Any bright ideas, Sherlock?
- Oh, Captain!

Can we talk to you for a minute?
We have a tomato-related question.

Ah, tomatoes.
Red spuds.

Alar-covered veggies.

Migrant worker backache-producers.
Flamed fruits.

Bad-act audience bombs.

Produce boy,
bug-infested nightmares.

Yeah, I know tomatoes.
What about 'em?

Uh, well,
about those tomato murders-

Ah, tomato murders,
the kind of sick, senseless violence...

that makes a cat want to have his guts
ripped out and turned into racquet strings...

to be used by McEnroe
while he belittles chair umpires.

Yeah, the kind of blatant
disregard for human life...

that makes an otherwise decent
grade-school teacher...

want to drag her fingernails
on the blackboard...

until her pupils'eardrums
begin to bleed.

The kind of senseless,
needless-

Uh, Captain, um...

where do you think, on the remote chance
that there are such things as killer tomatoes...

that a detective might go to find
information to crack this case?

Try the Slip Inn.

Ask for Sam Smith.
He runs the place.

Old war buddy of mine.
Ex-F.V.I.

"F.V. I?"

Federal Vegetable
Investigations.

God will get you for this.

You see,
my pencil-necked friend...

soon I will control
the media completely...

and he who controls the media
controls the world!

And he who controls
the world...

does not have to
stand in line!

Aah! You may think you're the big, bad
boss of the world, but you're not.

Go ahead, you small-minded dink.
Make fun.

And speaking of fun,
let's have some.

I'll do the laughing.

You know what
I like to do for fun?

I like to drive around the city and collect
all the dead cats I can find...

take 'em home and,
oh, I don't know...

put 'em in a circle...

and, for a few precious moments,
I am the leader!

Land 13 to Base.
Land-

Damn.

"Lance, I'm being
attacked by a swarm of vicious tomatoes.

"If you never see me again...

- "it's been swell.
- Shoo!

P.S. Tell Captain Finletter
he's a good-for-noth"-

- That's it.
- My God, that's awful.

I'll say.

There's one, two, three punctuation
errors, he misspelled "vicious"-

And what's a "good-for-noth"?

Look!
There's more!

"If you want
to see Rood again...

"stay away from KennediJohnson.

Signed, Your Friend. "

Now, that's penmanship.
Look at this "K"-

What are you going
to do?

Well, I guess the first thing
we'd better do...

is check out that bar
Captain Finletter told me about.

"We?"

- You mean you're inviting me to come along?
- Huh?

Uh, sure. I mean, I am assigned
to work with you.

And, anyway, I guess I don't mind
you hanging around.

Why, after last night
I didn't even think you liked me.

Well, "like"
is a pretty strong word.

A- Actually, I-
I think I'm falling for you!

What?

I said, I think I'm-

L-

I think I'm falling-

I think I'm-

I think I'm...

Falling!

What was it
you were trying to say?

Uh, somebody oughta close that window
over there. It's a little drafty.

- Oh.
- Come on. We'd better get going.

Right.
I'll get my coat.

Good-for-noth?
Bush for the booger?

This could get dangerous...

so try not to
act conspicuous...

and do exactly
what I do.

Run for it! These tomatoes are killers!

Oy vey.

There you go, bro.
I said just a minute!

Huh?

Oh, here we go!

Don't get many
two-legged types in here.

What'll it be?

Uh, Bloody Mary.

No, no!

- Make that a club soda.
- Me too.

That's better.

Be right with you.

Hey, daddy,
lose the cash cow.

- Cut that out.
- Sorry.

Are you sure
we're in the right place?

Hickory-dickory-
Dock.

Kinda gives new meaning
to the term "salad bar,"doesn't it?

You two looking for someone?

- No.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- No.

No.

Well, actually,
Captain Finletter sent us.

Finletter.

Kinda figured he had
something to do with this.

Check out the booth
over there.

Hey, you!

Stop chewin'
on the table!

Stupid tomatoes.

Nice hat.

- What did he say?
- He likes yours too.

I'll handle this.

- He needs a hundred bucks.
- A hundred bucks?

He needs the other 50.

- The-
- Get it!

Uh-huh.

Right.

Got it.
Thanks.

Come on.
Let's get outta here.

Well? Well?
What did he say?

He said,
"Follow the stars. "

"Follow the stars"? A hundred and
fifty bucks for "Follow the stars"?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I don't know!

You're the cop!
Start acting like one! Come on!

Let's...
rock and roll!

This is fruitless.

That astrologist told me I had a future
in car parts. Do you see car parts in there?

Will you stop! We have been at this
all day with nothing to show for it.

I know.
I'm really worried about Rood.

It's just not like him to be kidnapped
and held hostage.

Think. "Follow the stars. "

It has to mean something.

Hey. Hey! Hey!

Wait for me! Wait-Aw!

That's it! Jeronahew's
Camp Broadcasting School!

- Not affiliated with CBS, Incorporated.
- Of course!

That place up on Crystal Mountain!
What better spot for a hideout?

And it's only a half mile
from where we found those bodies.

Kennedi, grab your
Charlie's Angels lunch box.

We're going back to school.

Oh, God-

This place gives me the creeps.

What did you pack in this suitcase?

Why is it so dark? Maybe we
should come back later. There's nobody here.

Good evening and welcome
to Camp Broadcasting School.

Not affiliated with CBS, Incorporated
or the Columbia School of Broadcasting.

It's a great night
for checking in.

I'm your clerk,
Charles White.

What can I do for you?

Uh, we'd like a room, please.

Rookies? Great.

Just sign right here,
and you're in.

Don't use our real names.

What name am I
supposed to use?

I don't know.
Think of something.

- Is there a problem?
- Uh, no.

We just got married
and can't decide which name to use.

Well, how about
Fahrvergnuegen?

It's my favorite.

Thank you.

Bellboy, please show
Mr. And Mrs. Goodwrench to their room.

Looks heavy.

Uh, bird-watching equipment.

Thanks anyway, pal. I got it.

Oh! Thank you!

Hey, does that bellboy
look a little familiar to you?

- Uh, I didn't notice.
- Wait a minute. I recognize him now.

That's F.T. I knew that shaggy beach ball
was up to something.

You've got it all wrong.
F.T. Is our friend.

I asked him to come here and snoop around.
I thought maybe he could help us.

Well, I
Hope he has a day job.

Ah, newlyweds.

Bird-watching equipment!

Goodwrench.

Yeah, I think that astrologer
put a car hex on me.

Lance, let's get started.

Right.

We've got to find Rood.

I thought I told you
to pack binoculars.

We'll see much farther
with that.

Now, we need a password
or a secret knock.

- Secret knock?
- Yes.

Z- No, no.
That's not it.

X- L-Z- No.

Z- L-

Xylophone.
X- Y-L-O-P-H-O-N-E. Xylophone.

Big deal. So you can spell. That's no reason
for you to kidnap brainwashed reporters.

They irritate me, Mr. Rood...

just like greedy politicians...

lazy salesclerks and nosy cops.

But all that...

is about to change.

It's time for a worldwide
attitude adjustment.

Starting with you.

- You're mad!
- No, I'm not mad. Just angry.

- Why, man?
- Why?

Don't you just hate it when you're in a movie
theater and the person behind you says...

- "Whoa! Watch this! This is where she gets killed!"
- Hey, that happens. Damn!

That's nothing compared to when you order
a salad with dressing on the side...

and the waiter brings the salad
40 minutes later...

with a huge glob of dressing
all over it.

That's not the worst thing
that happens in a restaurant.

How come the food you order never
looks like the food in the pictures?

And how come you have to ask
for a lousy glass of water?

Oww!

- Why does it have to be so dark in here?
- Shh!

We can't turn on the light
or somebody might see us.

- Can you see anything?
- Yeah.

A big tree.

Wait a minute.
It's a nose hair.

Lance!
Look at this.

Bingo! That's Rood, all right.
Come on!

All right,
one more time, now. Action.

Now patching for the Pidres-
pitching for the Padres-

Look, just relax.

If you say it right,
he will come. Okay.

Now pitching for
the Padres, number 11, Craig Lefferts.

Uh, go get 'em, Craig.

- Hey, all right!
You'll make a broadcaster yet!

The give-and-go, and in the paint-

Remember, rude
is the secret. Rude. Now try again.

Well, all of the sudden
the mightyJets have fallen apart.

You guys have allowed
236 goals in the last three games.

That's abysmal, atrocious, crummy,
disastrous, despicable, execrable...

God-awful,
horrible, ignominious-

We'd be doing a lot better
if our goalie wasn't dead!

All right! Rude and obnoxious!

Very good!

- Of course. That's it!
- The dead goalie from Scene One.

I knew I'd seen him
somewhere before.

- It's locked.
- No kidding!

We need a lock pick.
What have you got in your purse?

Nothing like a lock pick.

You're right.
Nothing like a lock pick.

They were out of mace.
A girl's gotta protect herself.

- What would you like to try first?
- How about "open sesame. "

Why is it every time I fly commercial...

my bags are the last ones
off the conveyor belt?

- You're lucky. My bags never even get there.
- Wait.

- Do you hear that?
- Sometimes people drive me crazy.

Yes, yes, yes!

Why does the tallest guy in the ballpark
always sit right in front of me?

Yes, and he's the only one
in the whole damn section smoking.

Why is it that a five-minute wait
in a restaurant is more like five years?

Is time different for restaurant people,
like it is for dogs?

Precisely! And have you ever had to stand
in a buffet line behind some old lady...

picking over the fried chicken?

- You'll starve to death!
- Yeah! Why doesn't somebody do something about that?

It drives me crazy when I ask, "Is it Monday
today?" and some idiot says, "Yep, all day!"

Or, "Did you
get a haircut?"

No, I got them all cut!

Now that you're in the mood, Mr. Rood...

how about some television?

- It's the Universal
Home Shopping Network.

- This cubic zirconium
weed trimmer attachment-

Can't you see
I'm brainwashing?

I'm sorry, Professor-
I mean, Jeronahew.

The door downstairs
has been opened.

- Someone has entered the secured area.
- Zounds!

A 19th-century
French pastry decanter.

Help me.
Somebody please help me.

And speaking of pastries-

Rood! Snap out of it!

Lance! Dr. Johnson!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

That lunatic was
starting to make sense.

Evan,
you go get the captain.

I've got that maladjusted mastermind
right where I want him.

Man, I think you are crazy.

But I have always thought
you were crazy.

You know,
you'll make a decent cop yet.

And you can really
show off the purple glaze...

- when you place it next to one of these...
- Let's go!

- Right. - Glow-in-the dark,
plastic pineapple centerpieces...

which make great doorstops.

- First thing we gotta do is get rid of that telescope.
- Why?

Do you think
they're on to us?

Possibly.

- That was close!
- More than close!

Look at my pajamas!
Now I'm angry!

Help! Help!

Ninja tomatoes?
That does it!

Damn!

Aha!

A piece of broken bark.

I must be getting close.

Hostages.

Good or bad, rich or poor,
foreign or domestic-

Do they have a purpose?
How much money do they make?

Today we welcome
two hostages to our show.

One's a former hostage,
one's a hostage now...

and maybe some of you
can become future hostages!

On with our show!

Today's guests include
former hostage Sherri Coke...

author of the best seller The Hostage Diet:
How to Beat the Cravings.

And our other guest
is a current hostage.

We're not gonna reveal
her name to you right now.

We'll see if you can guess who she is
by the end of the show.

The booger bush.

I'd recognize it anywhere.

Hello! Wilbur! Over here!

Great job, Professor.
They love ya!

Yeah, scary, isn't it?
Quickly! It's almost time!

Yes, sir, the satellite uplink
is ready.

In 30 minutes
the world will be ours.

Yours. I get the-

You get East Lansing and the Kmart
in Rutherford, New Jersey.

- The tomatoes are assembled?
- Yes.

They await you
at the temple of food.

Onward to destiny!

Oh!

Bacon!

Lettuce!

Human!

A human!

Mayonnaise!

Pepper!

Hold the onion.

Your time has come,
tomatologist.

Your research grant has just
been permanently canceled.

Prepare to meet thy doom.

Well, you wanted to be a cop.

I would have been bored
in the muffler business anyway.

Your insidious research
to uncover tomato aggression...

was the only possible thing...

that could have foiled my plan...

for total world domination!

Yes, tomatoes...

do hate humans!

But only half as much as I do!

Stop in the name of the law!
The city police!

Don't move!

Igor!

Darn!

I was afraid
this was gonna happen.

You'll never get away
with this, Jeronahew!

Get away with it, Mr. Boyle?

I already have.

I've kidnapped every member of the media.
Hadn't you noticed?

Have a look.
See what they've resorted to.

From Washington, it's the Evening News.

Is that Ted Koppel?

America has become
a land of mindless boobs.

Americans would watch a chimp read the news.
They are watching a chimp read the news!

The tomatoes.

- They're going into a feeding frenzy!
- Feeding frenzy?

Yes! They hate to wait for food.
You should see them at wedding receptions.

- Lfhe doesn't shut up, we're gonna be in real trouble.
- If he does, they'll eat us!

Um, so what's your plan?

I mean, the kidnappings are nice,
but why all the robberies?

To buy television time,
Mr. Boyle, worldwide.

In just five minutes...

I'll begin a live broadcast to
every TV station in the entire world!

I'm gonna fix things my way!

I'm gonna brainwash every couch potato
on this imperfect planet.

Why, the whole human race
makes me sick!

Incompetent nincompoops!
Surly bank tellers! Ignorant clerks!

People who write six-dollar checks
in supermarket express lanes!

Parents who take their crying babies
to movie theaters!

People who drive 58
in the fast lane!

Men who leave
the toilet seat up!

Well, it's true!

Yes! What about all those psycho garbagemen
who come around at 4:30 in the morning?

They're not content to just take the
garbage and go. No, no, no, no, no!

They've gotta let everyone know they've gotta
get up and go to work in the middle of the night!

Yeah! The guy who empties
my Dumpster does that too!

Why doesn't he drive that truck into the side
of my building and make sure I'm awake!

No, he has to take that big truck-

Like he's got one gooey tissue
lodged up in the Dumpster...

and he's gonna shake that thing free if
it's the last thing he does before 5:00 a. M!

- Aah! Look out!
- It worked!

- Let's get outta here!
- This way!

Not me, you dolt!
After them!

Four minutes to air, Professor!

Lose the toast, Igor.

It's show time!

No! We're trapped!

There has to be a way to open this door-
a button, a lever, a hidden switch!

- Something!
- Yes!

Quick! Lock the door!

- Oh!
- Oh, that was close!

- Ain't nobody gonna open this door.
- Oops.

Uh, our mistake.

- We were just, uh-
- Leaving!

- Come on, do something!
- Me? Why don't you do something?

- I did do something!
- Oh, you did?

Yeah! "Let's go in here,"you said.

"We'll be safe in here,"
you said.

Ha! Maybe I can find
another door.

Ohh!

New from Whiz Co,
the amazing Chop-A-Matic slicer-dicer.

It slices! It dices!
It meeses! It mices!

The environmentally sensitive
Chop-A-Matic...

features fully digital
manual energy-saving operation.

It's safe and easy to use.
Just watch.

If you want the best,
forget the rest.

Look at them. They're completely
hypnotized by that commercial.

That's it! They've been reprogrammed
for bad television!

Free accessories- all-weather compass,
compatible back-scratcher...

heavy-duty tire gauge...

plus the fabulous Flasho-Dasho
for night slicing.

Take your Chop-A-Matic anywhere
with this custom desi-

Attention, zombies! Cancel the intruders!

Repeat, cancel the intruders!

This has been
a public service announcement.

Oh! Do something!

Uh, uh, the Rotco
super-amazing cap baffler.

- Opens anything!
- In a jiff!

Aah!

And that's not all!

If you enjoy gardening as much as I do-
and I know you do-

you'll love the revolutionary new
Raunchco garden gopher.

This super-aluminum cast construction
assures years of worry-free operation.

And it's a breeze
to clean!

- Simply spray it off when you're finished!
- It's working! Keep going!

Um, uh, what would you
pay for all this?

Don't answer, because if you order before
midnight we're going to throw in free...

a copy of K-Smell's biggest-selling album,
Mike Tyson's Greatest Hits.

March 7:
Bonecrusher Smith!

June 27:
Michael Spinks!

August 1:
Robin Givens!

Didn't know you were
a fight fan.

- The sweet science!
- Look!

Stay tuned forJeronahew's
worldwide television special...

the show guaranteed
to make a brand-new you!

Quick! We have to stop them!

- This has gotta be one of my all-time
worst days on the job. - The ketchup!

Use the hammer!
Just do it!

Pour it on me!

Now is not the time
to get kinky.

Tomatoes won't
eat their own kind.

- If we smell like tomatoes, we'll be safe.
- Okay, you're the expert.

Oh, it would have to be the good stuff!

Oh! Oh! Okay!
All right, now you.

- Quick!
- What are you doing?

My mom bought me this coat!

If we ever get in a food fight,
I want you on my side.

Come on!
We've gotta stopJeronahew!

Four, three, two, one.
You're on!

Good evening.

I know you'll enjoy tonight's program
on how to become...

the perfect you.

Hurry! Quick! This way!

I think it's time for a few film clips.
You'll find them-

Detective Lance Boyle,
the city police!

Ladies and gentlemen,
this man is a fraud!

You're now watching a promo
for next week's show on police brutality.

Don't listen to him!
He's trying to brainwash all of you!

Pay no attention! Her boyfriend dunks
doughnuts while crime abounds in the community!

Listen, people out there
in television land.

This man
hates human nature.

He's bent on
total world domination...

and he's using subliminal TV
mind control that-

That's right.
That's right!

Subliminal TV mind control!

Nothing will prevent me from reprogramming
the entire human race!

Oh, yeah? Well, I, as a member of
the human race, and damned proud of it...

challenge you, self-appointed
supreme being...

to a duel-
mano a mano.

That's right-
paint guns at 10 paces.

The person
with the least splotches wins.

Choose your weapon,
madman!

When I finish with you...

you'll look like you were on the wrong end
of a Wagner power painter.

We'll see, won't we?

Ready.

Set-

I didn't say "go" yet.

Bad guys don't wait for "go. "

Igor!

I think it's time
we popped this Boyle.

Don't-

- Oww!
- Yee-hah!

F. T!

The guy's got a glass jaw.

Not exactly.

Oh! It's-

It's fertilizer.

Oh, no!
I'm smelling!

I'm smelling!

Yum yum!

Leon? No. No.

Melman,
we've known each other-

I- I'm your friend.

We can be reasonable,
talk this over, you know.

Ohh! Not there!

Oh, no. Oh, no!
I created you!

- No!
- Yeah! Ha-ha!

Oh, what a world!

Oh, what a world!

You get the feeling you've seen this
somewhere before?

- You're a mess!
- I'm a mess? You should see yourself.

- Ooh. Pretty bad, huh?
- Oh, it's awful.

Too awful to kiss?

Mmm.

I suppose I could give it a try.

What are you-

Hello, everybody, and welcome
to the MFL Post-Film Show.

I'm CharlieJones live
in the winners' locker room.

My broadcast partner down the hall
in the losers' locker room.

We'll be going down the hall
in just a moment to visit that scene.

But here is Steve Peace,
the executive producer.

- Do you have a moment to visit with us?
- Absolutely.

- What are your thoughts?
- Well, we're pleased to have it in the can.

It was a little scary there for a while,
but in the end came through.

We were only 43 weeks over schedule,
but that's the business.

And in the end it's all these folks,
these people, this crew.

It's to their credit.

In fact, there go
the credits right now.

Oh. Yes.

Let's get the director-John DeBello!
The director, John-

Can we get you here, John, to just-
There's something- All right.

- There's something I'm really dying to ask you.
- We're number one!

Yes, but let me
tell you something.

In all of the months of shooting,
the long hours and all of the overtime...

how many times
did you yell "Cut"?

Okay, okay, that's fine. That's fine.

- This has to be a thrilling moment for you.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, anytime
you make a movie, it's somethin'.

The cast was great.
The crew was great.

- I mean, the movie's-
- Great?

- Over.
- Over. Yes.

- Okay, well, thank you.
- Number one!

Rick? Where's Rick?

Rick, can we- can we break
in there just for a moment?

Rick, you have to be
very proud.

Uh-Thanks!

And thank you, Charlie.
I'm just glad to be here.

Let's go to
the videotape- the monitor here.

We have a scene
that was cut from the film.

Take us
inside the action here.

Okay, um, that's Kennedi.

Ah!
I remember this scene.

Uh, I really had a lot of fun
making this scene.

I'm sorry they cut it
from the film.

- Had to be a thrill.
- It was a real thrill.

Where's Kennedi?
Kennedi!

- Kennedi, can you-
- I'm gonna go do an interview over here.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.

- You have to be thrilled.
- Oh, really, I am, I am.

And what are your thoughts about
the scene we just saw on the monitor?

Well, Charlie, I worked out for two years
to prepare for this role...

and I was surprised, frankly,
when they cut that scene.

But I hope to get to do a movie real
soon where I take all my clothes off.

Well, we're all wishing you the very best
and we hope that that happens very soon...

for all of us.

Now let's go down the hall to the losers'
locker room. Here's my broadcast colleague.

Charlie, I'm here with
Dr. Mortimer Gangreen, a. k. a. Jeronahew.

Jeronahew, tough loss today.

Yeah, we had 'em, Chuck,
but we gave it away at the end.

Gotta give 'em credit, though.

They got us out of our game plan.
We made some mistakes.

- But I'll be back. You can count on it.
- I'm sure you will be.

Charlie, back to you.

We're back here
in the winners' locker room.

You know, these credits
are hard to read backwards.

- I'm sorry, Charlie. Here.
- Oh, thanks, Rick.

- Yea!
- Good night!

That's it from here!

Am I too late?