All language subtitles for The Kentucky Fried Movie 1977.subrip.en

[The Kentucky Fried Movie English].

The popcorn you're eating
has been pissed in.

Film at 11:00.

At Argon, we know that
a country which depends on oil

can't afford to run short,

but conventional drilling
is not always possible.

Now, new ways must be found
to produce crude oil.

Here at our multibillion dollar
refinery in Fairbanks,

we're extracting
over 2.5 billion barrels

of crude oil every day,

from teenagers' faces.

Crude oil can be shipped
via mammoth supertankers

in order to better utilize
our country's vast supplies

of yet untapped natural resources.

And here in Milan, Italy,

an affiliate of Argon has
developed a way to reclaim oil

from the discarded combs
of local residents--

enough to fill an 1,100 ft. tanker

and save 60,000 gallons
of valuable energy.

Back in the United States,

we've developed a way
to filter the oil from carry-out food--

an amount sufficient to supply
the entire city of Oakland, California.

And for the future,
the promise of capturing

over forty trillion cubic feet
of natural gas

has brought us to Beaumont, Texas,

and this unique recycling method.

At Argon, we're working
to keep your money.

Good morning.
Welcome to A.M. Today.

- I'm Barbara Duncan.
- I'm Frank Bowman.

In our next segment,
we'll see why schoolchildren

are learning faster in Louisiana.

Why trains are running
slower in Vermont.

We'll meet an adorable,
furry Australian friend.

And we'll take an up-close look
at the nation's newest safety craze:

Smoke detector alarms.

But first, New York City
teachers are voting

on whether to continue
their week-long strike.

Ron Butler with local affiliate WILO

is at the convention center now
with a live mini-cam report.

Ron, what's the situation there?

Ron, are the teachers still voting?

It seems we are having
trouble getting that report.

We'll try back later in the program.

In the meantime, this is A.M. Today.

It's 18 minutes after the hour,

and time for our
daily feature of debate,

"Count Pointercount"

Once again, here are
John Fitzsimmons

and Sheila Hamilton.

Well, Sheila, I guess
even you and your liberal cronies

have found the light
at the end of the Tunnel of Love

with our beloved president.

The intellectuals
have been much agitated,

and now, having gotten the presidency

by exploiting the problems
they themselves have manufactured,

he has done his best
to fuel their anxieties about him.

Sheila, will you and your pack
of bleeding heart liberals

never learn that
expanding welfare rolls

only accelerates inflation

and inevitably hurt most
those they purport to help?

Why John, you old stick in the mud.

I've been listening to that
horse shit of yours for months,

and you can take that crap
and blow it out your ass.

And for good measure,
sit on this, John.

We understand that the teachers
have completed their balloting

and a decision is forthcoming.

Ron Butler, do you want to hazard
a guess as to the outcome of that vote?

It's 19 minutes after the hour,
and now it's time for our daily feature,

the astrological report.

A quick reminder:
these reports are not intended

to foster a belief in astrology,
but merely to support people

who cannot take responsibility
for their own lives. Joyce.

If you're a Libra
and have been hesitant

about making that big purchase,

hold off for another couple of days.

Don't forget,
your Moon is in Sagittarius--

not the time for reckless spending.

You Virgos can expect
an untimely death

or perhaps a tragic dismemberment

for someone very close to you.

Pisces: It's a good time
to pull the plug on that machine

that's been keeping your daughter
alive for the past six months.

If you're Taurus, see your florist.

And if you're Gemini like me,
you can expect the unexpected.

I'm Joyce Wilson, your astro...

Thank you, Joyce.
With us today, Judy Morton

from the San Diego
Wild Animal Preserve.

Judy's been a guest on the show
many times in the past.

it's always been an absolutely
delightful segment.

- Welcome, Judy.
- Hello.

And what have you
got for us today?

Well, today I brought
an Australian gerbil.

It's one of the few that we've
been able to raise in captivity.

He's tame, isn't he?
He won't bite?

Oh, no, he's real friendly.

They're very loveable.
His name is Oscar.

Oh. Hello, Oscar. Hello, Oscar.

I'd like to get one of those
for my kids.

They would make great pets

except that they really do need
a wild surrounding.

- Well... Oscar?
- Yes.

Is absolutely irresistible.

Now, I understand, Judy,
that you've got another surprise for us.

Yes, that's right, Frank.

Now, this next fellow
may not be small,

but he certainly is cute.

At least I think so.

He's backstage right now.
I have to go get him.

Okay, go ahead and do that.

You know, this is always one of
my favorite segments of the show

because I never know quite what
they're going to be bringing out here.

Look what they are bringing out here!

- Hello there!
- This is Dino.

My gosh, he is huge!

Don't let Dino's looks fool you.
He's really gentle as a lamb,

as a result of being
raised in captivity.

That's why we're able
to bring him out here.

Is this a rare animal?

Yes it is, Frank.

As a matter of fact
we're having trouble mating him.

You're having trouble
finding a female for Dino?

Not really, we have matched Dino
up with several likely candidates,

on a number of occasions.

The trouble is that all efforts at
reproduction have been unsuccessful.

I can hardly believe that.
After all,

Dino here may-- may not be
the handsomest suitor I've ever seen,

but certainly a big gorilla like this...

Well, we're not really sure yet
what the trouble is with Dino.

Uh, it could just be shyness,
a natural reluctance,

or even what
we would call impotence.

Impotent?

Okay, it's now 24 after the hour,

and time for a review of the morning's
top story, with Tom Leclair.

Thank you, Barbara.

Today's top story concerns a meeting
of OPEC ministers in Tehran yesterday.

An anticipated 10% price hike

across the board
on petroleum products--

We've finally gotten through
to Ron Butler at the convention center,

and I'm told that our audio hookup
is now operating.

Go ahead, Ron.

The balloting here has now
lasted almost three hours.

As soon as the absentee ballots
have been tallied,

we should have the result.

Ron, is there any hint at all
about a possible outcome?

Well, I thought all along the teachers
would like to return to work,

but, um, being a Gemini,
I just never know what to expect.

More offensive than Mandingo!

More shocking than
Behind the Green Door!

More erotic than
Deep Throat!

You will cream
in your jeans when you see:

...recreating her classic roll.

And introducing
Susan Joyce and Nancy Reems.

Susan, this is Nancy.

Nancy, this is Susan.

The screen has never dared
to be so explicit!

Show me your nuts.

Mrs. Burke!
I thought you were Dale!

You know, people often mistake me
for my teenage daughter, Dale.

Never before has the beauty
of the sexual act

been so crassly exploited!

The bizarre story of what happens
when high school girls

are allowed to stay out after curfew.

Finally an adult motion picture
has the courage to reveal

the truth about masturbation.

You must see...

How much is a ticket?

Three dollars.

Thank you.

You are aware, this motion picture
is shown in "Feel-Around"?

Yes.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like some popcorn, please.

One dollar.

Thank you.

Come in. I'm in the den.

Guess who.

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oh, Donald, you're always kidding.

I see you've started smoking again.

I'm on another diet.

Oh.

And you didn't even
notice my perfume.

Smell.

Very nice.

May I mix you a drink?

I propose a toast,
to you and me and the future.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

Let me get you a towel
or something.

Hey, Carol! Watch
where you swing that cigarette.

Here, let me put this Band-Aid
on your arm.

Oh, my poor baby.

I love to run my hands
through your hair.

And those big, strong,
broad shoulders!

And that curly hair
on your chest!

It's...!

You're the only one, Carol.

- Oh, Carol! Oh!
- Donald!

Oh, Donald!

Donald?

Donald!

What's this?

Is this lipstick on your collar?

Let me see!

It is lipstick on your collar!

You cheat, you...

I could kill you!

I could tear every hair
out of your insensitive head!

Carol, put down that knife!

All right, Donald.

Tell me you love me
or I'll slit your throat.

I wouldn't tell you that
in a million years.

So you want to see your own blood,
is that it, Donald?

You can't scare me that easy.
I'm not afraid of spilling my own blood.

I-I can't do it.

Oh, I can't do it.

Donald, forgive me, hmm?

I know you wouldn't do it, Carol.

That's why I want you to marry me.

Oh, Donald!

Oh, Carol!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Rialto
"Feel-o-rama" invites you to stay

for our next feature-length
motion picture presentation,

Deep Throat,
which will begin shortly.

It's hard to believe
you went to bed with a headache,

when you wake up feeling
so wonderful in the morning.

Say thanks to Nytex PM,

the pain reliever that works
while you sleep.

Nytex relaxes you,

relieves pain from
tension and minor discomfort,

so you wake up feeling so wonderful,

refreshed and ready
to begin a new day.

It's hard to believe
you went to bed with a headache

when you wake up feeling
so wonderful in the morning.

That's Nytex PM.
It's hard to believe.

Hello.
Welcome to High Adventure.

I'm Paul Burmaster.

With us today is the famed
adventurer and explorer

Claude Lamont.

Claude, it's such a pleasure
to have you with us.

It's a great pleasure to be here.

You know, it's such a thrill
to have someone with us

who lives such great adventures.

Yes, well, I live the unknown,

I love the unknown,
I am the unknown.

Claude, where are you living now?

That is unknown.
I don't know.

Claude, let me ask you about
the film we're going to see today.

Now, I understand there was
great danger involved.

Yes, there were
a great many dangers involved.

But perhaps the most dangerous
was the poisonous fish.

- Poisonous fish?
- Poisonous fish.

- Poisonous fish.
- Continue, it is your show.

No, you're my guest.

The poisonous fish will
kill you faster than a bullet.

Where, uh... in what ocean
do we find these fish?

The Atlantic and the Pacific.

I see. And, uh, what sizes are they?

Some are very large,
others are very small.

Well, that's very interesting.

Tell us, Claude,

how many men do you take
with you on these voyages?

Sometimes, we will take as many as
45 or 50 men on a single voyage.

- That many?
- Yes, that many.

And you can just imagine
the food problems we have.

Often-times, we must take
enough food for three,

maybe four months at a time.

The important thing
is to eat well

and to eat on a regular basis.

For if you don't eat
well balanced meals at sea,

several things can happen.

By the way, many of you
may not know this,

but Claude Lamont has done many

humanitarian deeds over
the past several years.

He is a teacher of scuba diving

and is involved
with several charities.

Claude, you've done extensive work
with the great white shark.

Have you verified this idea
of distinct territories?

Oh, not only has this idea
been substantiated,

we also have evidence to show
that few or no sharks

will change territories.

My guest for tonight has been
famed explorer Claude Lamont.

This is Paul Burmaster,
thanking you for joining us on

High Adventure.

Moscow in flames.
Missiles headed toward New York.

Film at 11:00.

Actor/director Bill Bixby.

I know that people must
feel their best to do their best.

So when I'm on the set
and have headache pain,

I take Sanhedrin.

Now, here at the world's
leading headache clinic,

tests have proven
Sanhedrin's modern formula

provides fast, effective
relief from pain of

headache, cold,
or minor arthritic discomfort.

It's safe and effective.

So the next time you have a cold,
do what Bill Bixby does.

Take Sanhedrin,
the extra-strength pain reliever.

I remember the day the girls
came over for bridge club.

I was so embarrassed
because of lingering odors.

Fish for dinner last night?

Harvey's still smoking
those cigars?

Christ! Did a cow shit in here?

You know, that was
a delicious dinner.

Well, I do my best.

Welcome to
The Wonderful World of Sex,

where together we will achieve

a new and exciting level
of sexual fulfillment.

After dimming the lights,

give your partner a reassuring smile

and a gentle kiss.

Then, move to opposite areas
of the bedroom to disrobe.

The revelation of erogenous Zones

is an enticing prelude
to sexual foreplay

Become aware of your own body

as it readies itself for
the ultimate sensual awareness.

It is now time to approach
your love partner,

placing both hands
round her waist.

Tenderly embracing the hips...

moving smoothly up the torso,

slowly massaging
the erotic areas,

and gently exploring the curves

of the upper body.

There. Wasn't that nice?

Now you are ready to approach
the conjugal bed,

relaxing as you fill your senses,

in your world of awareness.

At this time, the male
may whisper to the female,

(A) I love you,

(B) I need you,

or (C) I want you.

"B."

The female may respond
by repeating, "I want you now."

I want you now.

- "I want you now."
- I want you now.

"Recuerdos a todos."

Recuerdos a todos.

It is now time to insert
the birth control device.

And we're back.

We are now ready to heighten
our foreplay to petting.

The male may fondle
her back and arms.

The female, if she is so inclined,

may latch on to his honker.

Now he may kiss her gently
on the face and neck,

seeking out the erogenous Zones.

The kissing should be
increasingly passionate,

with both partners
working into a sexual frenzy.

One of the most frequent problems
encountered during the sexual act

is that of premature ejaculation.

Should premature ejaculation occur,

The Joy of Sex album
comes equipped with...

Big Jim Slade!

Big Jim, tight end
for the Kansas City Chiefs,

is outfitted with various whips, chains,

and a sexual appetite
that will knock your socks off.

Big Jim has satisfied women
throughout the world,

and the capital of Nebraska
is Lincoln!

Three days ago,

Russian intelligence
sent up this photograph,

clearly at least a thirty-
megaton nuclear blast.

First reports from CIA
linked it with the Red Chinese.

However, Radio Peking
subsequently denied the allegation.

These are the Hartz mountains of Asia,

a terrain so rugged, so treacherous,
no country will claim it.

Worse than Detroit?

I'm afraid so.

Here, Dr. Klahn
has built his fortress.

Klahn?

Yes. Klahn has been connected

with every sort of
nefarious activity, you name it:

Opium, weapons traffic,
assassination,

motion picture distribution...

And global extortion.

Precisely. Klahn has kidnapped

the famous Chinese
nuclear physicist

Professor Ada Gronik,

and intends to use
her knowledge of atomic devices

to create a practical detonator,

with which he will then
threaten the world.

This is Butkus, Klahn's bodyguard.

He is tough and ruthless.

This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur.

He's rough and toothless.

We need someone to find
an uncharted mountain,

defeat an army of deadly killers,

and come back with Ada Gronik.

I know just the man.

I hope you were paying attention.

Kick me.

What was that?

This is not a charade.

We need total concentration.

Now, once again.

This time, with feeling.

Better.

My government is prepared
to offer you £50,000

to join Klahn's army
as our agent.

I'm afraid you underestimate me,
Mr. Pennington.

Your people and mine
have a different set of values.

Mr. Loo, you must understand,

the survival
of the free world is at stake.

You must understand,
Mr. Pennington,

geographical boundaries
are of no significance to me.

I owe my allegiance
to a higher source.

But you'll have the chance
to kill fifty, maybe sixty people.

Hello. My name is Ming Chow.

You are joining a noble leader.

Gentlemen, welcome.

We are honoured
to have you among us.

We are building a fighting force

of extraordinary magnitude.

We forge our spirits

in the tradition of our ancestors.

You have our gratitude.

Now, bring me the prisoners!

Now, take him to be tortured!

And as for my American friend,

the CIA thinks it can infiltrate

the mountain of Dr. Klahn?

You can't scare me,
you slant-eyed yellow bastard!

Take him to Detroit.

No! Not Detroit!

No, please! Anything but that!

This way, gentlemen.
I'll show you to your rooms.

Hello, this is Dr. Klahn.
I'm not home right now.

Leave a message
when you hear the beep.

You have our gratitude.

Come in.

I have come to rescue you.

Where do you come from?

Pennington, of the...

How was your trip
to the mountain, Mr. Loo?

It was a very pleasant journey.

You are fortunate. The seas can
be very stormy this time of year.

I hope your accommodations
are to your liking.

Dr. Klahn has a great
sense of hospitality.

Have you ever been in
a martial arts army like this?

Not for quite some time.

I'm sure you'll find
the caliber of men here

among the finest in the world.

We're building a fighting force
of extraordinary magnitude.

You honour our mountain.

We forge our spirits in the
tradition of our ancestors.

The guards will have to be bribed.
We'll need money.

We can raise some money.
That's no problem.

But it would be wrong!

What was that?

This is not a charade.

We need total concentration.

Now, try again.

I've brought you a present.
Take your pick.

If you don't see anything you like...

And if you'll follow me
through this hallway,

we are now entering
the Haybrick wing,

where the opium goes
through its final processing

prior to packaging
and world wide distribution.

We manufacture enough heroin here

to supply fully one-fourth
of the world's addicts.

The tanks to your left store our
biological chemicals for germ warfare,

each with a capacity
of4,000 cubic liters.

To my right
is the atomic detonator

with which the Dr. Klahn intends
to threaten the entire world.

Are there any questions?

No? Good. Follow me.

We remind you
to stay near the white line,

and request you refrain
from using flash bulbs.

A toy robot!

A toy robot?

Eat lead, sucker!

You have my gratitude.

You are a man of
extraordinary magnitude.

Come in.

Your technique is only surpassed
by your courage, Mr. Loo.

A magnificent display of skill.

I am flattered by your curiosity.

Evidently, you are anxious
to see my operation.

And who are they?

Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

Shanghaied?

Just lost drunken men
who don't know where they are,

and no longer care.

Where are we?

I don't care.

And these?

These are lost drunken men
who don't know where they are,

but do care.

And these are men who know where
they are and care, but don't drink.

Where am I?
I don't know where I am!

Yeah. And I don't drink.

Guards!

- Do you care?
- No.

Put this man in cell number one,
and give him a drink.

- What do you drink?
- I don't care.

Gentlemen.

Regretfully, we have
discovered among us

am unfriendly Visitor.

Mr. Loo will be punished
for his treason.

But that is not important right now.

What is important is that my
guards have accepted bribes

and failed in their duties.

Now, they must prove
themselves worthy

to remain among us.

Let us meet our guards.

Guard number one is
a senior on Klahn's mountain

and aspires
to be a research chemist.

Welcome please, Hung Well!

Guard number two
is a real skating buff.

A warm welcome for Long Wang!

Traveling comes naturally
to guard number three,

as he's a licensed airplane pilot.

Welcome, please,
Enormous Genitals!

Guard number one,
you're out on your first date.

It is too late to see a movie.
What do you propose to do?

Well...

First, we walk along the beach
in the moonlight.

Then I'll play love songs
on my guitar,

and the next morning...

Butkus!

Guard number two...

if I were asleep
and you were my alarm clock,

how would you wake me up
in the morning?

I wouldn't. I'm no ding-a-ling.

Butkus!

How about you, number three?
The same question.

We're building a fighting force
of extraordinary magnitude.

We forge our spirits in the same
tradition as our ancestors.

Dr. Klahn is magnificent leader.
He has our gratitude.

Let's all give Dr. Klahn
a great big hand!

Butkus!

Are you ready for this morning's
exercise, Mr. Loo?

Butkus!

No!

No! Not water!

I'm melting! I'm melting!

What a world! What a world!

It was a fighting force
of extraordinary magnitude!

Congratulations, Mr. Loo.

Your mission is a complete success.

Since you are responsible
for the death of Dr. Klahn,

you may assume the rights
to the fortress and all its riches.

Thank you, Mr. Pennington.

But all I wanna do right now
is to go back home.

Back to Kansas.

But my dear fellow,

you've had the power
to go back home all along.

I have?

All you have to do is click
your heels together three times

and say, "There's
no place like home."

There's no place like home.

Loo...

Wake up! Wake up!

Auntie Em!

Toto!

I'm home at last.

Oh, you must have had
a bad dream.

No, I was there.

Where were you?

I was on this terrible mountain
ruled by the evil Dr. Klahn.

And there were prisoners, and...

Jake was there and...

Slim, and Ben.

Maybe it was just a dream.

And quite a nasty one, young feller!

It was a dream
of extraordinary magnitude.

- Sure was real.
- I know, dear.

But what have you learned
from all of this?

Well...

you can search
all over for happiness...

but there's really no need to look
any further than your own front door.

There are plenty of things you can do
right here in your own community.

You could visit a dairy

and find out how milk is handled
and prepared for delivery.

Or plan a series of window displays
on home safety.

Or help start a library.

You could discuss with your dentist

what you could do
to make your teeth more attractive.

You've just sold
your last case of incense

and pestered over sixty pedestrians.

After a grueling day,
you finally run out of leaflets.

Now it's Willer time.

Time to kick off your sandals

and pop open a Willer:

the best taste in beer since 1892.

When it's time to relax
after a tough day,

you owe yourself
the best-tasting beer you can find.

It goes down easy.

It's cool, refreshing
and far less filling.

- Hare rama.
- Hare rama.

You're only reincarnated
six or seven times in life,

so you've got to reach
for all the gusto you can.

Rams plagued by fumbles
as earthquakes rock Los Angeles.

Film at 11:00.

New from Barker Brothers,
a game for the entire family:

Scot Free.

Your team has just
assassinated the president.

Can you get away "Scot Free"?

Shake the dice and see.

Great! You found a patsy.
Go again.

Bonus card.

You get Jack Ruby to kill your patsy.

That's good because
dead men don't talk.

Oh, no! Abraham Zapruder
films the assassination.

Tough break.
But now you go again.

And a stroke of luck--

twenty-two material witnesses
die of unnatural causes.

Now your opponent shakes again.

Uh-oh, look out!

Life magazine
buys the Zapruder film,

but you buy Life magazine

and show the frames out of sequence!

You're almost home. Now you must
spin the Public Opinion board.

You've done it!
The public believes it.

You're Scot Free!
Available from Barker Brothers.

If you were thrilled by
The Towering Inferno,

if you were terrified
by Earthquake,

then you will be
scared shitless

by the Samuel L. Bronkowitz
production of...

The most realistic depiction
of death, doom, and destruction

in motion picture history.

See George Lazenby
as the architect.

I tell you, this building is unsafe!

Barbara Radnitz as the nurse.

Jack Roberts as the governor.

Governor, the city's in flames,

the National Guard's
powerless to deal with the situation,

the dam is threatening to burst,

the airport has been
seized by terrorists,

and the nuclear power plant's
is about to blow any second!

Governor, what are we going to do?

Donald Sutherland
as the clumsy waiter.

Larry, you can't go in there!
It's certain death!

But I've got to, for Helen's sake!

But, Larry! Oh, Jesus!

Leave her.

Come back to Montana with me.

I could no sooner
run away from her than myself.

I'm not asking you to run,
I'm asking you to face reality!

Whose reality, yours or mine?

My reality and yours,
that's whose!

What are you saying?

Leave her! Come back
to Montana with me!

I could no more run away from her
than I could run away from myself!

I'm not asking you to run,
I'm asking you to face reality!

Whose reality, yours or mine?

My reality and yours, that's whose!

What are you saying?

Larry, we're going now!

Whose games?

You know damn well whose games.

Larry, we're starting the engines.

You will never forget...

You know damn well what I'm saying!

In the past year,
over 800,000 Americans have died.

Despite millions of dollars of research,

death continues to be
our nation's number one killer.

Hello, I'm Henry Gibson,

speaking to you on behalf of
the United Appeal for the Dead.

Although so far there is no known
treatment for death's crippling effects,

still, everyone can acquaint himself
with the warning signs of death:

It is also important to know
what to do when you die.

Your past contributions to this cause
have already worked wonders.

Many deserving families
have been helped.

Right now, I'd like you
to meet the Hefsteders.

Three years ago, our Johnny died.

We thought that there was no hope,

but then we discovered
the United Appeal for the Dead.

They showed us that despite
Johnny's handicap,

he could still be a useful member of
our family and the community.

Our United Appeal for the Dead
caseworker

showed us that the absence
of life from Johnny's body

didn't have to mean his absence
from our daily lives.

We realized the constant joy
that could be ours,

as we were able to include him
in our family activities.

The United Appeal for the Dead
turned misery into happiness.

We have them to thank for
our family's new found togetherness.

This is Henry Gibson saying,

please, give generously
when death knocks at your door.

No pictures.
No pictures, please.

I said no pictures,
and no comments.

I said no pictures.

On September 22nd, 1957,

there occurred a multi-car collision

resulting in over
$55,000 in damages.

Today we bring you the trial
resulting from that incident.

The litigants you will see
are the actual people

involved in the accident.

As we join the proceedings,
Judge Colus D. Smizer

is about to ask Mr. Hornung
to make his opening remarks.

Mr. Hornung, you may make
your opening remarks.

If it pleases the court,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it is my intention to prove here today,

that on the evening
of February 22nd, 1957,

Sheldon Grunwald
was driving his vehicle

in the northbound lane
of U.S. Highway 30

when the rear of his automobile
was struck from behind

by a car driven by the defendant,
Ms. Rita Filagree.

In conclusion, Your Honor,
I would like the jury

to listen to a tape.

Hey, Wally, being in court
is really neat stuff.

Knock it off will ya, Beave?

We don't want
the judge to yell at us.

Defense attorney Taylor,
are you prepared with your case?

Yes I am, Your Honor.

Then call your first witness.

The number of a Sheldon Grunwald.

Oh, that-- that's me, right here.

Never mind, operator,
I found him myself.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

I do.

You've made me so happy!

We'll tell you only that Mr. Grunwald
is salaried, deals in a service,

and we'll start the questioning
with Mr. Hornung.

Mr. Grunwald, would I be more likely
to use your service

than... let's say, my wife?

No.

That's five down
and forty-five to go.

Mr. Taylor.

I think I'll pass to Arlene.

I'm sorry, we're running short of time.

We'll flip all the cards now,

and I'll tell you that, in fact,
Mr. Grunwald is a spoon.

Mr. Grunwald,

in addition to your occupation
as a spool, is it not true...

No, no. Spoon!

Ah, yes, spoon.

Of course, "spool"
doesn't make much sense.

Mr. Grunwald, in addition
to your occupation as a spoon,

is it not true that
you're a driving instructor?

No.

- Then it is true?
- Yes.

That you're not
a driving instructor?

No.

Your Honor, I object
to this line of questioning.

Overruled.

Very well, then. I'd like some time
to go over my briefs.

Please.

They're fine.

Your witness, counsel.

Would you please state
your first name.

Sheldon.

Mr. Grunwald,

what does... that exactly mean?

Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear... Sheldon.

Mr. Grunwald,

would you kindly tell the court
the fabric of which your shirt is made?

I object, Your Honor!
That shirt is immaterial.

Sustained.

Very well, then.

Mr. Grunwald, would you
please follow me

to the south end of the courtroom.

Objection, Your Honor!
The counsel is leading the witness.

Sustained.

Mr. Hornung, Mr. Taylor,
approach the bench.

While the judge confers
with the attorneys,

let's pause for this brief message.

Well, what's our little skeptic
doing today?

She's frying the cat
in pure Nesson oil.

At this time, the judge will ask
Mr. Hornung to show relevance.

Now, Mr. Hornung, you are
going to have to show relevance.

Not only will I show relevance,

I will show how these facts
relate to the case.

I call to the stand...

Ms. Rita Filagree.

As everyone expected,
a surprise witness.

Miss Filagree was a passenger
in the Grunwald vehicle,

but was pronounced
dead at the scene.

I do.

Miss Filagree, as a passenger
in the Grunwald vehicle,

can you identify the man
driving the blue Buick?

Yes.

Is he in this courtroom right now?

Yes!

Could you kindly point him
out to me, please?

I can't do it. I just can't do it!

Young lady, are you familiar with
the penal codes in this state?

You wouldn't cry if you was just
getting yelled at, would you, Wally?

Heck no, Beave!
Girls are different.

I mean, if a guy cried,

everybody'd think
he was a creep or something.

Yeah, gee, Wally,
I guess you're right.

Young lady, are you aware
that to withhold evidence

pertinent to a crime so "heenious"...

No.

"Hineous"?

- No.
- "Hinéous."

I think it's pronounced "heenus."

No, no, you wouldn't say
"Your Heenus."

No! Ladies and gentlemen,
I have it right here.

"Hyenas":

Any of a family of cowardly,
carnivorous beasts of Asia and Africa.

Oh, take me to the drive-in
and prove you love me!

Hey, look, Wally.

Wally!

Lay off, will you!

See? I told you we'd get hollered at.

We mean no harm to your planet.

Your Honor, the prosecution is making
a mockery of this courtroom!

All right, all right!

He's sitting over there.

Oh, no. Him!

The bailiff is now trying to identify
the driver of the blue Buick.

Everyone is, of course,
anxiously awaiting

the identification
of the mystery driver.

This could blow the case wide open.

I think perhaps the next person to...

That's him!

Announcer Steven McCrosky
was found guilty

and sentenced to 20 years
in a federal penitentiary.

Stenographer Gordon Simley
had a sex change operation,

and is now a switch-hitter
for the Atlanta Braves.

Wallace and Theodore Cleaver
had their allowance suspended,

and were sent to bed without supper.

She was six feet of black dynamite.

He was a short Hasidic Jew.

She fought a savage battle
to stay alive in the ghetto.

He studied the Talmud at night.

While she burned the ghetto
to the ground,

he kindled the Sabbath candles.

Theirs was a love of passion,

a torrid sensual lust
fueled by those who said no!

They alone dared to triumph
in a hellish inferno

of unrelenting desire.

Never before has the screen
unleashed such violent fury.

Never again will one man

and one woman defy
such incredible odds.

Together, no one could stop them.

Whether we know it or not,

chemicals play an important
and ever-increasing role

in our daily lives.

One of the most widely used
and oldest chemical compounds

is Zinc oxide.

This policeman, this farmer,

and this housewife
don't realize it,

but they all depend on
zinc oxide in their daily lives.

But how do I use zinc oxide?

If it weren't for zinc oxide,
you wouldn't have that bar of soap...

the dish towels you use every day...

your toaster...

that brassiere you're wearing...

your kitchen sink...

those curtain rods...

the shelves in your refrigerator...

metal hooks...

the heat control on your stove...

the safety catch on your son's rifle...

that fire extinguisher...

the emergency brake on your car...

all brakes...

that blanket.

How about sand?

Yes, sand.

Oh, my God!

Your husband's pacemaker.

Your artificial limb.

Yes, zinc oxide at work
in our daily lives.

Watch for
science series number seven...

It's been said that
the test of a man's courage

is how he performs
in the face of danger.

Well, in the next half hour,

you're gonna meet
a very unique breed of cat,

the kind of man who doesn't know
the meaning of the word fear:

Rex Kramer, part-time
airline mechanic,

full-time daredevil.

A man willing to risk his life
for the sake of adventure.

He has to chase it,
confront it, and whip it.

Rex Kramer: danger seeker.

Niggers!

Say what?!

Turn on the TV.
I think the news is on.

Forget it!

Come on, turn on the TV.

...Billingsley goes on trial today
with an aide, for extortion.

Billingsley is the fourth
governor in U.S. history

to be tried for a crime while in office.

U.S. attorney Mark Fielding
is the prosecutor,

and Billingsley charges that
Fielding is trying to destroy him,

and, quote,
"handpick the next governor."

Senator John Hammond
of New Mexico says

that a report scheduled
for release next week

will embarrass the CIA

and the FBI.

The report will
not damage the agencies,

and will recommend
ouster of any senator

who leaks secret
intelligence information.

In Detroit, top officials of
the United Rubber Workers Union

are concentrating their
11th-hour contract talks

on the Big Three
tire and rubber companies.

Because of the wage price freeze
three years ago,

the union didn't get a cost of living
clause in its contract,

and this time the URW is demanding

an unlimited cost of living clause.

Well, businesses are in turmoil
and traffic is at a standstill

as more than 500,000
Japanese railway workers

staged a three-day strike,
which began today.

Officials say the strike disrupted
the lives of sevent...

...seve-- seventeen million
city-dwellers across Japan,

who use trains to get to work
or to school.

Commuters scrambled to find
alternative ways

to get to their jobs as
traffic clogged Tokyo streets.

Tens of thousands of
lower-level employees

were forced to stay in their desks...

No, um, they camp out in desks and...

because clo...
stores were closing down.

The, um, strike there is...

what's happening...

in Japan, with those Japanese.

Prices on the stock market
softened this afternoon

from readings earlier in the day

as the pace of trading has slackened.

Experts attribute the stabilization

to the recent deregulation
of foreign imports.

Well, tragedy struck the new
Hitchcock home development today,

when a gas explosion ripped through

their recreation center.

The explosion claimed
the lives of the owner

of the development,
Mr. James Hitchcock...

and his entire family of five.

Three others were injured
and two people

are still listed as missing.

Sudan revealed evidence, uh,
Wednesday night

that Colonel Hernando Escalante
of Libya

is trying to fly troops and arms...

and legs...

to Uganda to assist
president Adi Amin.

Uh, goodnight and, uh,

thank you for joining us here

on, um, Eyewitness News.

I'm not wearing any pants.