Original subtitles

[The Kentucky Fried Movie English].

The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in.

Film at 11:00.

At Argon, we know that a country which depends on oil

can't afford to run short,

but conventional drilling is not always possible.

Now, new ways must be found to produce crude oil.

Here at our multibillion dollar refinery in Fairbanks,

we're extracting over 2.5 billion barrels

of crude oil every day,

from teenagers' faces.

Crude oil can be shipped via mammoth supertankers

in order to better utilize our country's vast supplies

of yet untapped natural resources.

And here in Milan, Italy,

an affiliate of Argon has developed a way to reclaim oil

from the discarded combs of local residents--

enough to fill an 1,100 ft. tanker

and save 60,000 gallons of valuable energy.

Back in the United States,

we've developed a way to filter the oil from carry-out food--

an amount sufficient to supply the entire city of Oakland, California.

And for the future, the promise of capturing

over forty trillion cubic feet of natural gas

has brought us to Beaumont, Texas,

and this unique recycling method.

At Argon, we're working to keep your money.

Good morning. Welcome to A.M. Today.

- I'm Barbara Duncan. - I'm Frank Bowman.

In our next segment, we'll see why schoolchildren

are learning faster in Louisiana.

Why trains are running slower in Vermont.

We'll meet an adorable, furry Australian friend.

And we'll take an up-close look at the nation's newest safety craze:

Smoke detector alarms.

But first, New York City teachers are voting

on whether to continue their week-long strike.

Ron Butler with local affiliate WILO

is at the convention center now with a live mini-cam report.

Ron, what's the situation there?

Ron, are the teachers still voting?

It seems we are having trouble getting that report.

We'll try back later in the program.

In the meantime, this is A.M. Today.

It's 18 minutes after the hour,

and time for our daily feature of debate,

"Count Pointercount"

Once again, here are John Fitzsimmons

and Sheila Hamilton.

Well, Sheila, I guess even you and your liberal cronies

have found the light at the end of the Tunnel of Love

with our beloved president.

The intellectuals have been much agitated,

and now, having gotten the presidency

by exploiting the problems they themselves have manufactured,

he has done his best to fuel their anxieties about him.

Sheila, will you and your pack of bleeding heart liberals

never learn that expanding welfare rolls

only accelerates inflation

and inevitably hurt most those they purport to help?

Why John, you old stick in the mud.

I've been listening to that horse shit of yours for months,

and you can take that crap and blow it out your ass.

And for good measure, sit on this, John.

We understand that the teachers have completed their balloting

and a decision is forthcoming.

Ron Butler, do you want to hazard a guess as to the outcome of that vote?

It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature,

the astrological report.

A quick reminder: these reports are not intended

to foster a belief in astrology, but merely to support people

who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. Joyce.

If you're a Libra and have been hesitant

about making that big purchase,

hold off for another couple of days.

Don't forget, your Moon is in Sagittarius--

not the time for reckless spending.

You Virgos can expect an untimely death

or perhaps a tragic dismemberment

for someone very close to you.

Pisces: It's a good time to pull the plug on that machine

that's been keeping your daughter alive for the past six months.

If you're Taurus, see your florist.

And if you're Gemini like me, you can expect the unexpected.

I'm Joyce Wilson, your astro...

Thank you, Joyce. With us today, Judy Morton

from the San Diego Wild Animal Preserve.

Judy's been a guest on the show many times in the past.

it's always been an absolutely delightful segment.

- Welcome, Judy. - Hello.

And what have you got for us today?

Well, today I brought an Australian gerbil.

It's one of the few that we've been able to raise in captivity.

He's tame, isn't he? He won't bite?

Oh, no, he's real friendly.

They're very loveable. His name is Oscar.

Oh. Hello, Oscar. Hello, Oscar.

I'd like to get one of those for my kids.

They would make great pets

except that they really do need a wild surrounding.

- Well... Oscar? - Yes.

Is absolutely irresistible.

Now, I understand, Judy, that you've got another surprise for us.

Yes, that's right, Frank.

Now, this next fellow may not be small,

but he certainly is cute.

At least I think so.

He's backstage right now. I have to go get him.

Okay, go ahead and do that.

You know, this is always one of my favorite segments of the show

because I never know quite what they're going to be bringing out here.

Look what they are bringing out here!

- Hello there! - This is Dino.

My gosh, he is huge!

Don't let Dino's looks fool you. He's really gentle as a lamb,

as a result of being raised in captivity.

That's why we're able to bring him out here.

Is this a rare animal?

Yes it is, Frank.

As a matter of fact we're having trouble mating him.

You're having trouble finding a female for Dino?

Not really, we have matched Dino up with several likely candidates,

on a number of occasions.

The trouble is that all efforts at reproduction have been unsuccessful.

I can hardly believe that. After all,

Dino here may-- may not be the handsomest suitor I've ever seen,

but certainly a big gorilla like this...

Well, we're not really sure yet what the trouble is with Dino.

Uh, it could just be shyness, a natural reluctance,

or even what we would call impotence.

Impotent?

Okay, it's now 24 after the hour,

and time for a review of the morning's top story, with Tom Leclair.

Thank you, Barbara.

Today's top story concerns a meeting of OPEC ministers in Tehran yesterday.

An anticipated 10% price hike

across the board on petroleum products--

We've finally gotten through to Ron Butler at the convention center,

and I'm told that our audio hookup is now operating.

Go ahead, Ron.

The balloting here has now lasted almost three hours.

As soon as the absentee ballots have been tallied,

we should have the result.

Ron, is there any hint at all about a possible outcome?

Well, I thought all along the teachers would like to return to work,

but, um, being a Gemini, I just never know what to expect.

More offensive than Mandingo!

More shocking than Behind the Green Door!

More erotic than Deep Throat!

You will cream in your jeans when you see:

...recreating her classic roll.

And introducing Susan Joyce and Nancy Reems.

Susan, this is Nancy.

Nancy, this is Susan.

The screen has never dared to be so explicit!

Show me your nuts.

Mrs. Burke! I thought you were Dale!

You know, people often mistake me for my teenage daughter, Dale.

Never before has the beauty of the sexual act

been so crassly exploited!

The bizarre story of what happens when high school girls

are allowed to stay out after curfew.

Finally an adult motion picture has the courage to reveal

the truth about masturbation.

You must see...

How much is a ticket?

Three dollars.

Thank you.

You are aware, this motion picture is shown in "Feel-Around"?

Yes.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like some popcorn, please.

One dollar.

Thank you.

Come in. I'm in the den.

Guess who.

Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Oh, Donald, you're always kidding.

I see you've started smoking again.

I'm on another diet.

Oh.

And you didn't even notice my perfume.

Smell.

Very nice.

May I mix you a drink?

I propose a toast, to you and me and the future.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

Let me get you a towel or something.

Hey, Carol! Watch where you swing that cigarette.

Here, let me put this Band-Aid on your arm.

Oh, my poor baby.

I love to run my hands through your hair.

And those big, strong, broad shoulders!

And that curly hair on your chest!

It's...!

You're the only one, Carol.

- Oh, Carol! Oh! - Donald!

Oh, Donald!

Donald?

Donald!

What's this?

Is this lipstick on your collar?

Let me see!

It is lipstick on your collar!

You cheat, you...

I could kill you!

I could tear every hair out of your insensitive head!

Carol, put down that knife!

All right, Donald.

Tell me you love me or I'll slit your throat.

I wouldn't tell you that in a million years.

So you want to see your own blood, is that it, Donald?

You can't scare me that easy. I'm not afraid of spilling my own blood.

I-I can't do it.

Oh, I can't do it.

Donald, forgive me, hmm?

I know you wouldn't do it, Carol.

That's why I want you to marry me.

Oh, Donald!

Oh, Carol!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Rialto "Feel-o-rama" invites you to stay

for our next feature-length motion picture presentation,

Deep Throat, which will begin shortly.

It's hard to believe you went to bed with a headache,

when you wake up feeling so wonderful in the morning.

Say thanks to Nytex PM,

the pain reliever that works while you sleep.

Nytex relaxes you,

relieves pain from tension and minor discomfort,

so you wake up feeling so wonderful,

refreshed and ready to begin a new day.

It's hard to believe you went to bed with a headache

when you wake up feeling so wonderful in the morning.

That's Nytex PM. It's hard to believe.

Hello. Welcome to High Adventure.

I'm Paul Burmaster.

With us today is the famed adventurer and explorer

Claude Lamont.

Claude, it's such a pleasure to have you with us.

It's a great pleasure to be here.

You know, it's such a thrill to have someone with us

who lives such great adventures.

Yes, well, I live the unknown,

I love the unknown, I am the unknown.

Claude, where are you living now?

That is unknown. I don't know.

Claude, let me ask you about the film we're going to see today.

Now, I understand there was great danger involved.

Yes, there were a great many dangers involved.

But perhaps the most dangerous was the poisonous fish.

- Poisonous fish? - Poisonous fish.

- Poisonous fish. - Continue, it is your show.

No, you're my guest.

The poisonous fish will kill you faster than a bullet.

Where, uh... in what ocean do we find these fish?

The Atlantic and the Pacific.

I see. And, uh, what sizes are they?

Some are very large, others are very small.

Well, that's very interesting.

Tell us, Claude,

how many men do you take with you on these voyages?

Sometimes, we will take as many as 45 or 50 men on a single voyage.

- That many? - Yes, that many.

And you can just imagine the food problems we have.

Often-times, we must take enough food for three,

maybe four months at a time.

The important thing is to eat well

and to eat on a regular basis.

For if you don't eat well balanced meals at sea,

several things can happen.

By the way, many of you may not know this,

but Claude Lamont has done many

humanitarian deeds over the past several years.

He is a teacher of scuba diving

and is involved with several charities.

Claude, you've done extensive work with the great white shark.

Have you verified this idea of distinct territories?

Oh, not only has this idea been substantiated,

we also have evidence to show that few or no sharks

will change territories.

My guest for tonight has been famed explorer Claude Lamont.

This is Paul Burmaster, thanking you for joining us on

High Adventure.

Moscow in flames. Missiles headed toward New York.

Film at 11:00.

Actor/director Bill Bixby.

I know that people must feel their best to do their best.

So when I'm on the set and have headache pain,

I take Sanhedrin.

Now, here at the world's leading headache clinic,

tests have proven Sanhedrin's modern formula

provides fast, effective relief from pain of

headache, cold, or minor arthritic discomfort.

It's safe and effective.

So the next time you have a cold, do what Bill Bixby does.

Take Sanhedrin, the extra-strength pain reliever.

I remember the day the girls came over for bridge club.

I was so embarrassed because of lingering odors.

Fish for dinner last night?

Harvey's still smoking those cigars?

Christ! Did a cow shit in here?

You know, that was a delicious dinner.

Well, I do my best.

Welcome to The Wonderful World of Sex,

where together we will achieve

a new and exciting level of sexual fulfillment.

After dimming the lights,

give your partner a reassuring smile

and a gentle kiss.

Then, move to opposite areas of the bedroom to disrobe.

The revelation of erogenous Zones

is an enticing prelude to sexual foreplay

Become aware of your own body

as it readies itself for the ultimate sensual awareness.

It is now time to approach your love partner,

placing both hands round her waist.

Tenderly embracing the hips...

moving smoothly up the torso,

slowly massaging the erotic areas,

and gently exploring the curves

of the upper body.

There. Wasn't that nice?

Now you are ready to approach the conjugal bed,

relaxing as you fill your senses,

in your world of awareness.

At this time, the male may whisper to the female,

(A) I love you,

(B) I need you,

or (C) I want you.

"B."

The female may respond by repeating, "I want you now."

I want you now.

- "I want you now." - I want you now.

"Recuerdos a todos."

Recuerdos a todos.

It is now time to insert the birth control device.

And we're back.

We are now ready to heighten our foreplay to petting.

The male may fondle her back and arms.

The female, if she is so inclined,

may latch on to his honker.

Now he may kiss her gently on the face and neck,

seeking out the erogenous Zones.

The kissing should be increasingly passionate,

with both partners working into a sexual frenzy.

One of the most frequent problems encountered during the sexual act

is that of premature ejaculation.

Should premature ejaculation occur,

The Joy of Sex album comes equipped with...

Big Jim Slade!

Big Jim, tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs,

is outfitted with various whips, chains,

and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off.

Big Jim has satisfied women throughout the world,

and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

Three days ago,

Russian intelligence sent up this photograph,

clearly at least a thirty- megaton nuclear blast.

First reports from CIA linked it with the Red Chinese.

However, Radio Peking subsequently denied the allegation.

These are the Hartz mountains of Asia,

a terrain so rugged, so treacherous, no country will claim it.

Worse than Detroit?

I'm afraid so.

Here, Dr. Klahn has built his fortress.

Klahn?

Yes. Klahn has been connected

with every sort of nefarious activity, you name it:

Opium, weapons traffic, assassination,

motion picture distribution...

And global extortion.

Precisely. Klahn has kidnapped

the famous Chinese nuclear physicist

Professor Ada Gronik,

and intends to use her knowledge of atomic devices

to create a practical detonator,

with which he will then threaten the world.

This is Butkus, Klahn's bodyguard.

He is tough and ruthless.

This is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur.

He's rough and toothless.

We need someone to find an uncharted mountain,

defeat an army of deadly killers,

and come back with Ada Gronik.

I know just the man.

I hope you were paying attention.

Kick me.

What was that?

This is not a charade.

We need total concentration.

Now, once again.

This time, with feeling.

Better.

My government is prepared to offer you £50,000

to join Klahn's army as our agent.

I'm afraid you underestimate me, Mr. Pennington.

Your people and mine have a different set of values.

Mr. Loo, you must understand,

the survival of the free world is at stake.

You must understand, Mr. Pennington,

geographical boundaries are of no significance to me.

I owe my allegiance to a higher source.

But you'll have the chance to kill fifty, maybe sixty people.

Hello. My name is Ming Chow.

You are joining a noble leader.

Gentlemen, welcome.

We are honoured to have you among us.

We are building a fighting force

of extraordinary magnitude.

We forge our spirits

in the tradition of our ancestors.

You have our gratitude.

Now, bring me the prisoners!

Now, take him to be tortured!

And as for my American friend,

the CIA thinks it can infiltrate

the mountain of Dr. Klahn?

You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow bastard!

Take him to Detroit.

No! Not Detroit!

No, please! Anything but that!

This way, gentlemen. I'll show you to your rooms.

Hello, this is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now.

Leave a message when you hear the beep.

You have our gratitude.

Come in.

I have come to rescue you.

Where do you come from?

Pennington, of the...

How was your trip to the mountain, Mr. Loo?

It was a very pleasant journey.

You are fortunate. The seas can be very stormy this time of year.

I hope your accommodations are to your liking.

Dr. Klahn has a great sense of hospitality.

Have you ever been in a martial arts army like this?

Not for quite some time.

I'm sure you'll find the caliber of men here

among the finest in the world.

We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.

You honour our mountain.

We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors.

The guards will have to be bribed. We'll need money.

We can raise some money. That's no problem.

But it would be wrong!

What was that?

This is not a charade.

We need total concentration.

Now, try again.

I've brought you a present. Take your pick.

If you don't see anything you like...

And if you'll follow me through this hallway,

we are now entering the Haybrick wing,

where the opium goes through its final processing

prior to packaging and world wide distribution.

We manufacture enough heroin here

to supply fully one-fourth of the world's addicts.

The tanks to your left store our biological chemicals for germ warfare,

each with a capacity of4,000 cubic liters.

To my right is the atomic detonator

with which the Dr. Klahn intends to threaten the entire world.

Are there any questions?

No? Good. Follow me.

We remind you to stay near the white line,

and request you refrain from using flash bulbs.

A toy robot!

A toy robot?

Eat lead, sucker!

You have my gratitude.

You are a man of extraordinary magnitude.

Come in.

Your technique is only surpassed by your courage, Mr. Loo.

A magnificent display of skill.

I am flattered by your curiosity.

Evidently, you are anxious to see my operation.

And who are they?

Refuse, found in waterfront bars.

Shanghaied?

Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are,

and no longer care.

Where are we?

I don't care.

And these?

These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are,

but do care.

And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink.

Where am I? I don't know where I am!

Yeah. And I don't drink.

Guards!

- Do you care? - No.

Put this man in cell number one, and give him a drink.

- What do you drink? - I don't care.

Gentlemen.

Regretfully, we have discovered among us

am unfriendly Visitor.

Mr. Loo will be punished for his treason.

But that is not important right now.

What is important is that my guards have accepted bribes

and failed in their duties.

Now, they must prove themselves worthy

to remain among us.

Let us meet our guards.

Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain

and aspires to be a research chemist.

Welcome please, Hung Well!

Guard number two is a real skating buff.

A warm welcome for Long Wang!

Traveling comes naturally to guard number three,

as he's a licensed airplane pilot.

Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!

Guard number one, you're out on your first date.

It is too late to see a movie. What do you propose to do?

Well...

First, we walk along the beach in the moonlight.

Then I'll play love songs on my guitar,

and the next morning...

Butkus!

Guard number two...

if I were asleep and you were my alarm clock,

how would you wake me up in the morning?

I wouldn't. I'm no ding-a-ling.

Butkus!

How about you, number three? The same question.

We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude.

We forge our spirits in the same tradition as our ancestors.

Dr. Klahn is magnificent leader. He has our gratitude.

Let's all give Dr. Klahn a great big hand!

Butkus!

Are you ready for this morning's exercise, Mr. Loo?

Butkus!

No!

No! Not water!

I'm melting! I'm melting!

What a world! What a world!

It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!

Congratulations, Mr. Loo.

Your mission is a complete success.

Since you are responsible for the death of Dr. Klahn,

you may assume the rights to the fortress and all its riches.

Thank you, Mr. Pennington.

But all I wanna do right now is to go back home.

Back to Kansas.

But my dear fellow,

you've had the power to go back home all along.

I have?

All you have to do is click your heels together three times

and say, "There's no place like home."

There's no place like home.

Loo...

Wake up! Wake up!

Auntie Em!

Toto!

I'm home at last.

Oh, you must have had a bad dream.

No, I was there.

Where were you?

I was on this terrible mountain ruled by the evil Dr. Klahn.

And there were prisoners, and...

Jake was there and...

Slim, and Ben.

Maybe it was just a dream.

And quite a nasty one, young feller!

It was a dream of extraordinary magnitude.

- Sure was real. - I know, dear.

But what have you learned from all of this?

Well...

you can search all over for happiness...

but there's really no need to look any further than your own front door.

There are plenty of things you can do right here in your own community.

You could visit a dairy

and find out how milk is handled and prepared for delivery.

Or plan a series of window displays on home safety.

Or help start a library.

You could discuss with your dentist

what you could do to make your teeth more attractive.

You've just sold your last case of incense

and pestered over sixty pedestrians.

After a grueling day, you finally run out of leaflets.

Now it's Willer time.

Time to kick off your sandals

and pop open a Willer:

the best taste in beer since 1892.

When it's time to relax after a tough day,

you owe yourself the best-tasting beer you can find.

It goes down easy.

It's cool, refreshing and far less filling.

- Hare rama. - Hare rama.

You're only reincarnated six or seven times in life,

so you've got to reach for all the gusto you can.

Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles.

Film at 11:00.

New from Barker Brothers, a game for the entire family:

Scot Free.

Your team has just assassinated the president.

Can you get away "Scot Free"?

Shake the dice and see.

Great! You found a patsy. Go again.

Bonus card.

You get Jack Ruby to kill your patsy.

That's good because dead men don't talk.

Oh, no! Abraham Zapruder films the assassination.

Tough break. But now you go again.

And a stroke of luck--

twenty-two material witnesses die of unnatural causes.

Now your opponent shakes again.

Uh-oh, look out!

Life magazine buys the Zapruder film,

but you buy Life magazine

and show the frames out of sequence!

You're almost home. Now you must spin the Public Opinion board.

You've done it! The public believes it.

You're Scot Free! Available from Barker Brothers.

If you were thrilled by The Towering Inferno,

if you were terrified by Earthquake,

then you will be scared shitless

by the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of...

The most realistic depiction of death, doom, and destruction

in motion picture history.

See George Lazenby as the architect.

I tell you, this building is unsafe!

Barbara Radnitz as the nurse.

Jack Roberts as the governor.

Governor, the city's in flames,

the National Guard's powerless to deal with the situation,

the dam is threatening to burst,

the airport has been seized by terrorists,

and the nuclear power plant's is about to blow any second!

Governor, what are we going to do?

Donald Sutherland as the clumsy waiter.

Larry, you can't go in there! It's certain death!

But I've got to, for Helen's sake!

But, Larry! Oh, Jesus!

Leave her.

Come back to Montana with me.

I could no sooner run away from her than myself.

I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

Whose reality, yours or mine?

My reality and yours, that's whose!

What are you saying?

Leave her! Come back to Montana with me!

I could no more run away from her than I could run away from myself!

I'm not asking you to run, I'm asking you to face reality!

Whose reality, yours or mine?

My reality and yours, that's whose!

What are you saying?

Larry, we're going now!

Whose games?

You know damn well whose games.

Larry, we're starting the engines.

You will never forget...

You know damn well what I'm saying!

In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died.

Despite millions of dollars of research,

death continues to be our nation's number one killer.

Hello, I'm Henry Gibson,

speaking to you on behalf of the United Appeal for the Dead.

Although so far there is no known treatment for death's crippling effects,

still, everyone can acquaint himself with the warning signs of death:

It is also important to know what to do when you die.

Your past contributions to this cause have already worked wonders.

Many deserving families have been helped.

Right now, I'd like you to meet the Hefsteders.

Three years ago, our Johnny died.

We thought that there was no hope,

but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead.

They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap,

he could still be a useful member of our family and the community.

Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker

showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body

didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives.

We realized the constant joy that could be ours,

as we were able to include him in our family activities.

The United Appeal for the Dead turned misery into happiness.

We have them to thank for our family's new found togetherness.

This is Henry Gibson saying,

please, give generously when death knocks at your door.

No pictures. No pictures, please.

I said no pictures, and no comments.

I said no pictures.

On September 22nd, 1957,

there occurred a multi-car collision

resulting in over $55,000 in damages.

Today we bring you the trial resulting from that incident.

The litigants you will see are the actual people

involved in the accident.

As we join the proceedings, Judge Colus D. Smizer

is about to ask Mr. Hornung to make his opening remarks.

Mr. Hornung, you may make your opening remarks.

If it pleases the court, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

it is my intention to prove here today,

that on the evening of February 22nd, 1957,

Sheldon Grunwald was driving his vehicle

in the northbound lane of U.S. Highway 30

when the rear of his automobile was struck from behind

by a car driven by the defendant, Ms. Rita Filagree.

In conclusion, Your Honor, I would like the jury

to listen to a tape.

Hey, Wally, being in court is really neat stuff.

Knock it off will ya, Beave?

We don't want the judge to yell at us.

Defense attorney Taylor, are you prepared with your case?

Yes I am, Your Honor.

Then call your first witness.

The number of a Sheldon Grunwald.

Oh, that-- that's me, right here.

Never mind, operator, I found him myself.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

I do.

You've made me so happy!

We'll tell you only that Mr. Grunwald is salaried, deals in a service,

and we'll start the questioning with Mr. Hornung.

Mr. Grunwald, would I be more likely to use your service

than... let's say, my wife?

No.

That's five down and forty-five to go.

Mr. Taylor.

I think I'll pass to Arlene.

I'm sorry, we're running short of time.

We'll flip all the cards now,

and I'll tell you that, in fact, Mr. Grunwald is a spoon.

Mr. Grunwald,

in addition to your occupation as a spool, is it not true...

No, no. Spoon!

Ah, yes, spoon.

Of course, "spool" doesn't make much sense.

Mr. Grunwald, in addition to your occupation as a spoon,

is it not true that you're a driving instructor?

No.

- Then it is true? - Yes.

That you're not a driving instructor?

No.

Your Honor, I object to this line of questioning.

Overruled.

Very well, then. I'd like some time to go over my briefs.

Please.

They're fine.

Your witness, counsel.

Would you please state your first name.

Sheldon.

Mr. Grunwald,

what does... that exactly mean?

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear... Sheldon.

Mr. Grunwald,

would you kindly tell the court the fabric of which your shirt is made?

I object, Your Honor! That shirt is immaterial.

Sustained.

Very well, then.

Mr. Grunwald, would you please follow me

to the south end of the courtroom.

Objection, Your Honor! The counsel is leading the witness.

Sustained.

Mr. Hornung, Mr. Taylor, approach the bench.

While the judge confers with the attorneys,

let's pause for this brief message.

Well, what's our little skeptic doing today?

She's frying the cat in pure Nesson oil.

At this time, the judge will ask Mr. Hornung to show relevance.

Now, Mr. Hornung, you are going to have to show relevance.

Not only will I show relevance,

I will show how these facts relate to the case.

I call to the stand...

Ms. Rita Filagree.

As everyone expected, a surprise witness.

Miss Filagree was a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle,

but was pronounced dead at the scene.

I do.

Miss Filagree, as a passenger in the Grunwald vehicle,

can you identify the man driving the blue Buick?

Yes.

Is he in this courtroom right now?

Yes!

Could you kindly point him out to me, please?

I can't do it. I just can't do it!

Young lady, are you familiar with the penal codes in this state?

You wouldn't cry if you was just getting yelled at, would you, Wally?

Heck no, Beave! Girls are different.

I mean, if a guy cried,

everybody'd think he was a creep or something.

Yeah, gee, Wally, I guess you're right.

Young lady, are you aware that to withhold evidence

pertinent to a crime so "heenious"...

No.

"Hineous"?

- No. - "Hinéous."

I think it's pronounced "heenus."

No, no, you wouldn't say "Your Heenus."

No! Ladies and gentlemen, I have it right here.

"Hyenas":

Any of a family of cowardly, carnivorous beasts of Asia and Africa.

Oh, take me to the drive-in and prove you love me!

Hey, look, Wally.

Wally!

Lay off, will you!

See? I told you we'd get hollered at.

We mean no harm to your planet.

Your Honor, the prosecution is making a mockery of this courtroom!

All right, all right!

He's sitting over there.

Oh, no. Him!

The bailiff is now trying to identify the driver of the blue Buick.

Everyone is, of course, anxiously awaiting

the identification of the mystery driver.

This could blow the case wide open.

I think perhaps the next person to...

That's him!

Announcer Steven McCrosky was found guilty

and sentenced to 20 years in a federal penitentiary.

Stenographer Gordon Simley had a sex change operation,

and is now a switch-hitter for the Atlanta Braves.

Wallace and Theodore Cleaver had their allowance suspended,

and were sent to bed without supper.

She was six feet of black dynamite.

He was a short Hasidic Jew.

She fought a savage battle to stay alive in the ghetto.

He studied the Talmud at night.

While she burned the ghetto to the ground,

he kindled the Sabbath candles.

Theirs was a love of passion,

a torrid sensual lust fueled by those who said no!

They alone dared to triumph in a hellish inferno

of unrelenting desire.

Never before has the screen unleashed such violent fury.

Never again will one man

and one woman defy such incredible odds.

Together, no one could stop them.

Whether we know it or not,

chemicals play an important and ever-increasing role

in our daily lives.

One of the most widely used and oldest chemical compounds

is Zinc oxide.

This policeman, this farmer,

and this housewife don't realize it,

but they all depend on zinc oxide in their daily lives.

But how do I use zinc oxide?

If it weren't for zinc oxide, you wouldn't have that bar of soap...

the dish towels you use every day...

your toaster...

that brassiere you're wearing...

your kitchen sink...

those curtain rods...

the shelves in your refrigerator...

metal hooks...

the heat control on your stove...

the safety catch on your son's rifle...

that fire extinguisher...

the emergency brake on your car...

all brakes...

that blanket.

How about sand?

Yes, sand.

Oh, my God!

Your husband's pacemaker.

Your artificial limb.

Yes, zinc oxide at work in our daily lives.

Watch for science series number seven...

It's been said that the test of a man's courage

is how he performs in the face of danger.

Well, in the next half hour,

you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat,

the kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear:

Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic,

full-time daredevil.

A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure.

He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it.

Rex Kramer: danger seeker.

Niggers!

Say what?!

Turn on the TV. I think the news is on.

Forget it!

Come on, turn on the TV.

...Billingsley goes on trial today with an aide, for extortion.

Billingsley is the fourth governor in U.S. history

to be tried for a crime while in office.

U.S. attorney Mark Fielding is the prosecutor,

and Billingsley charges that Fielding is trying to destroy him,

and, quote, "handpick the next governor."

Senator John Hammond of New Mexico says

that a report scheduled for release next week

will embarrass the CIA

and the FBI.

The report will not damage the agencies,

and will recommend ouster of any senator

who leaks secret intelligence information.

In Detroit, top officials of the United Rubber Workers Union

are concentrating their 11th-hour contract talks

on the Big Three tire and rubber companies.

Because of the wage price freeze three years ago,

the union didn't get a cost of living clause in its contract,

and this time the URW is demanding

an unlimited cost of living clause.

Well, businesses are in turmoil and traffic is at a standstill

as more than 500,000 Japanese railway workers

staged a three-day strike, which began today.

Officials say the strike disrupted the lives of sevent...

...seve-- seventeen million city-dwellers across Japan,

who use trains to get to work or to school.

Commuters scrambled to find alternative ways

to get to their jobs as traffic clogged Tokyo streets.

Tens of thousands of lower-level employees

were forced to stay in their desks...

No, um, they camp out in desks and...

because clo... stores were closing down.

The, um, strike there is...

what's happening...

in Japan, with those Japanese.

Prices on the stock market softened this afternoon

from readings earlier in the day

as the pace of trading has slackened.

Experts attribute the stabilization

to the recent deregulation of foreign imports.

Well, tragedy struck the new Hitchcock home development today,

when a gas explosion ripped through

their recreation center.

The explosion claimed the lives of the owner

of the development, Mr. James Hitchcock...

and his entire family of five.

Three others were injured and two people

are still listed as missing.

Sudan revealed evidence, uh, Wednesday night

that Colonel Hernando Escalante of Libya

is trying to fly troops and arms...

and legs...

to Uganda to assist president Adi Amin.

Uh, goodnight and, uh,

thank you for joining us here

on, um, Eyewitness News.

I'm not wearing any pants.