Original subtitles

- What do we want? - Free speech!

- When do we want it? - Now!

- 'What do we want?' - Student power!

- When do we want it? - Now!

Impossible years

For you not for me

Impossible years

If you would only see

There ain't nothing you can do to change me

You don't have to rearrange me

If it's all the same to you

I'll be on my merry way

In time I'll see the things I don't see today

I'll be on my merry way

And in time you'll find you've nothing more to say

Impossible years

For you not for me

Impossible years

If you would only see

I am traveling a different highway

And the only way for me is my way

Oh don't you understand

As I look upon tomorrow

There are dreams I've had

And dreams that I must borrow

And tomorrow you will find me

With a little more experience behind me

Impossible years

For you and for me

Impossible years

If you would only see

There ain't nothing you can do to change me

You don't have to rearrange me

I am traveling a different highway

And the only way for me is my way

Oh don't you understand

Impossible years

For you not for me

Impossible years

For you not for me

Impossible years

For you not for me

Quiet, please gentlemen.

Now then, as budding psychiatrists

you have undoubtedly recognized that disturbance

for what it really is.

The ancient rebellion of youth against authority.

Would you term that an unhealthy symptom, Doctor?

Definitely not.

Unless I happen to be the father of one of them.

Now, we were discussing the modern day teenager.

His habits, his problems and his parents.

Above all his parents.

They come trooping through my consulting room every day.

An endless parade of fuming, frustrated fathers and mothers

who can no longer cope with their..

...teeny bopper, hippie offspring, with their..

...sit-in's, their lie-in's and their love-in's.

"Doctor," they cry in anguish, "can't you help our children?"

Of course I can.

By getting the parents on the couch, with all possible speed.

'Oh, Dr. Kingsley?'

Dr. Kingsley, for the campus press.

May I interview you about the riot?

I'm very flattered.

Then would I be correct in quoting you as saying

that there is no teenage delinquency today?

You'd be quite incorrect.

I maintain merely, that in a properly run household

with well adjusted parents

the problems of teenagers are practically nonexistent.

Do you have any teenage children yourself?

Linda, 17. Abbey, 13.

Doctor, is it true that you're being appointed

head of the new university psychiatric wing?

That is a question for Dean Rockwell

- and the appointment board. - But..

- ...you're under consideration? - I sincerely hope so. Yes.

'Doctor, your wife's on the phone.'

Oh, thank you. Anything else?

Yes, one more question.

Your theories about raising a family..

...do you really practice what you preach

and if so, does it work?

I practice exactly what I preach.

And I'm extremely proud of my two daughters.

Hello, Alice. What are you up to?

You'd better get down here right away.

Linda's been arrested.

Did you hear me, John? We're at the police station.

Linda's under arrest.

Mother, it's not that big of a tragedy.

John, are you there?

You wanna talk to your lawyer?

I stand on my constitutional rights.

Oh? Well, stand on 'em over there.

Next!

State your name.

'Alright, quite.'

Quite!

- Who's next? - I am.

State your name.

Linda Kingsley.

- What are you charged with? - I'm her mother.

Well, that alone could get you ten days.

- Now, just a moment! - I'll handle this.

- Oh, Jonathan. - I'm Jonathan Kingsley, M.D.

Might I ask what my daughter's being held for?

Disturbing the peace, inciting to riot, resisting arrest

unlawful assembly on university property.

She doesn't attend university, still in high school.

Yeah, well she attended the university today.

Carrying this.

You mean that all this fuss is about a simple thing like..

- Oh, come now, sergeant. - Captain!

Captain.

Captain, free speech is not exactly a new concept.

And if you're accusing her of believing in the bill of rights

I'm afraid you don't have much of a case.

Oh?

How much is her bail?

'Linda!'

Hi, Freddie.

I heard about it, over the air.

Groovy! Say, what was the word on that sign?

- I'll tell you later. - You won't tell him later.

You won't tell him ever.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Linda, guess what?

They just announced your name over W.J.K.L.

You're a celebrity!

One of the few who are out on bail.

- They mentioned you too, Daddy. - What?

Linda Kingsley, daughter of Doctor Jonathan Kingsley

- of the university faculty. - What a proud day!

Linda, don't keep me in suspense.

What was the word on the sign?

That's enough, Abbey. Don't you have some home work to do?

Yes, but I'd rather stay and hear Daddy give it to Linda.

Daddy's not giving anything to anybody. Go to your room.

Okay.

But the way you're gonna yell, I'll hear it anyway.

'Daddy, may I say a few words?'

You'd better.

To begin with, I didn't know there was anything on that sign

- except free speech. - Oh, come on, Linda.

I never even saw the other side of the card.

Somebody stuck it in my hand and asked me to carry it.

You carry everything somebody sticks in your hand?

Well, what's so wrong?

You believe in free speech, don't you?

That word is not freedom, it's..

...license.

You don't even know what it means.

I don't?

Try it on me!

Abbey.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm going.

Daddy, you really surprise me.

I thought you were a Liberal.

I thought you were against the establishment.

I'm also against the establishment of pornography

as normal conversation.

I told you, I didn't read the other side.

But you were demonstrating, that's the point.

With a bunch of bearded baboons you don't even know.

What were you doing over on campus, anyway?

Weren't you making up a math exam today?

Yes, Daddy.

- But you skipped it, huh? - But this was more important.

Linda, much as I disapprove of disciplinary measures

- I'm gonna have to punish you. - Yes, Daddy.

I'm gonna take away your car, for a month.

Might as well make it two months.

That's how long the judge suspended my driver's license.

She, uh..

She got another traffic ticket, last Thursday.

Not for speeding again, it couldn't be.

At a drive-in movie.

Speeding at a drive-in mov..

She's invented a new crime.

- The judge was a little upset. - I wonder why.

Daddy, I couldn't help it, my gas pedal got stuck.

Your gas pedal got stuck.

- Don't you believe me? - Did the judge believe you?

The judge isn't my father.

So, he took away your license. Alright.

We're gonna take away your allowance for a month.

You did that two weeks ago.

That's right, I did. Didn't I?

'How come you haven't been complaining?'

I guess you'll find out anyway.

I've been using the charge accounts.

The cha..

Linda, do you remember what I said I would do

if you used the charge accounts without permission?

You said you'd take away my car for a month.

Would you like to go around again?

There must be a brass ring somewhere.

I think the time is right for a..

...family counsel. Let us all sit down calmly, discussion..

Why the devil couldn't he have studied the harp?

Freddie!

Freddieee!

Would you mind aiming that thing at somebody else?

Oh! Oh sure, Doctor. I should've figured you'd be in a flap

about Linda getting busted.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Just as a bit frosting on today's cake

I received this little goodie in the mail.

"Dear Doctor Kingsley, This is to notify you

that Linda is doing failing work in gym."

I wonder how anyone can do failing work in gym.

All you have to do is show up and take a shower.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it, dear.

Daddy, you have so many important things on your mind.

I hate to see you get so hung up over a silly thing like gym.

Look, pumpkin.

If you flunk gym...you won't graduate from high school.

If you don't graduate from high school

you won't be able to go to college.

And if you don't go away to college

I don't know what your mother and I will do!

- Come in. - Well, thank you, Alice.

- Is John busy? - Well, actually--

Oh, John. Linda.

- Hello, Dr. Fleischer. - How are you, Herb?

Well, I-I'm not sure.

I've come from a patient, who coughed in my face

for a half an hour.

Can I have a glass of water, please?

- I've to take an antihistamine. - I'll get it.

Could I have a few minutes of your time please, Jonathan?

Could we meet down at the office?

Just three minutes, that's all I ask.

Alright, come in the study.

Oh, Dr. Fleischer.

Oh!

Thank you.

John, I've had a bad, bad day.

Still have the idea of catching all your patient's diseases?

What are we stricken with today?

Well, I don't know yet.

Last week, I broke a precedent and made a house call.

I treated a child for pneumonia.

Don't tell me you caught pneumonia?

No, I pulled the child through.

Now, out of gratitude the mother kissed me

and gave me mononucleosis.

- But that's not why I'm here. - I'm relieved to hear that.

A moment ago, I stood out there on my doorstep in a cold sweat..

...shaking. I was afraid to walk into my own house.

I couldn't bring myself to face Freddie.

- You're afraid of your own son? - I'm afraid I'll clobber him.

You don't know what I've put up with, with that kid.

If he isn't lying around blowing his brains into a trumpet

he's out smashing up the car.

If he isn't in the mood for smashing up the car

he's scrounging around for something to eat.

He's got his head in the fridge so much, it's frostbitten.

Now, slow down, Herb. Slow down.

In first place, you're not gonna clobber your son.

What am I gonna do?

You'll view the situation objectively, without prejudice

in an effort to see the teenager side of the question.

Clobbering never solved anything. Clobbering merely--

Hello.

Oh, Dean Rockwell. Yes, put him on, please.

The Dean! Maybe he's gonna offer you the psychiatric wing.

- Good luck, John. - Hello, Harvey.

Sir John, what's this I've been hearing about a Linda Kingsley

carrying a dirty word all over campus today?

Now, that wouldn't be our Linda Kingsley, would it?

Your daughter and my godchild?

- 'It couldn't.' - I'm afraid it could be, yes.

Dandy, better get over here tomorrow.

Four o'clock, my office.

Four o'clock, I'll be there.

Goodbye, Harvey.

Did he mention the appointment?

Not in so many words. No.

Oh, that's a shame.

Well, you still haven't told me.

What am I supposed to do about Freddie?

Clobber the hell out of him.

- John. - Hmm?

You're worried about tomorrow, aren't you?

What makes you think that?

You can't sleep. Neither can I.

Try counting sheep.

I did. They're all carrying free speech cards.

Darling.

Why don't you just tell Harvey the truth tomorrow?

I mean the plain and simple truth.

Linda didn't know what she was doing.

I'll do that.

Could give him quite a giggle.

Why should it even matter?

The board isn't considering Linda for the psychiatric wing.

They're considering you.

Probably as an inmate.

How can you joke about it?

I know how much this appointment means to you.

How much you've wanted it.

Alice, either I get the appointment or I don't.

It's as simple as that.

If I get it, fine. If they turn me down..

What?

Just don't ever let Linda get the idea it's her fault.

The man who's the head of the psychiatric wing

will obviously be in a delicate and sensitive position.

- True, Harvey, that's-- - Delicate and sensitive.

Which in plain language means, he should have a daughter

who gets herself collared by the fuzz as seldom as possible.

- About that ruckus yesterday.. - About that ruckus yesterday.

How would you like me to explain that to the appointments board?

What sort of a cop-out are you dreaming of?

No cop-out. Just the plain and simple truth.

Linda didn't even know what was on that sign.

You actually want me to tell them that?

I guess not.

I'm pushing you for head of the psychiatric wing

because I believe you're the man for the job.

But there's an image that goes along.

An image of dignity and sober respectability.

- Have I lost the appointment? - I don't think so, not yet.

But you're in the middle of the tight rope.

So watch your step.

How's the new book coming?

Oh, fine. I'm almost half way through.

I hope it has a better title than the last one.

- "Sex Marks The Spot?" - The publisher wanted that.

My title was

"The intelligent teenager and the immature parent."

Well, I'm not sure which one I like best.

That's all. I'll let you know when the board meets.

Thank you, Harvey.

- Give my love to Linda. - I will.

And incidentally, what was the word on that sign?

No, don't tell me.

I'm sure the board will have all the fascinating details.

"Didn't know what was on it." That's a gas.

- Hiya, Doc. - Oh, hello, Merrick.

You weren't gonna pass me by, were you?

- I was hoping to, yes. - Listen, I..

...just finished reading the first chapter of your new book.

I've got some positively brilliant suggestions for you.

Merrick, do you mind? I'm coming in.

Come on in, Doctor.

- What's up? - Look, Merrick.

If my publishers insist upon my having your so called

literary assistance, that's something I have to live with.

I'd rather you didn't get or give the impression

that we're collaborating. Either now or in the past.

Collaborating? I wouldn't think of it.

I couldn't afford to have my name on a book

with a title like "Sex Marks The Spot."

That title was your idea, you talked the publisher into it.

For a book by you, not by me.

I see you've the same ready wit, which distorted my last effort.

It was a bestseller though, you must admit.

- Yes, I admit. - And not too bad for business.

I heard you raised your price to $50 an hour.

- Where'd you hear that? - From an ex-patient of yours.

A nymphomaniac, I met at a party.

Incidentally, I got the distinct impression you didn't cure her.

Why don't you save the jokes for the class room?

I'm sure the students find you quite a prize.

- Doc, have you had a bad day? - Yes, don't make it worse.

I better not tell you about my idea for the new title.

- I dare you to. - "The Impossible Years."

That's not bad.

I expected you to come up with something lewd.

Well, we can take care of that on the cover.

We can show a teenage girl struggling with a teenage boy

while he tries to rip off her mini.

Stop it! Stop!

Oh, I'd like to analyze you one day.

You don't think that sort of things happens every day?

I'm sure it did with you, but normal kids, no.

Freddie, cut it out!

Freddie, no. You pick the darndest place.

- Freddie, we came here to swim. - Not me.

Oh, didn't you say you had a few notes on the first chapter?

Oh, yeah.

- Here we are. - These are notes?

That's longer than the first chapter.

Well, look them over. If there's anything you don't care for

- let me know. - What makes you think I won't?

Say, how about..

...how 'bout a picture of your daughter Linda on the jacket

carrying a placard.

By the way, what was the word on that sign?

Freddie! No!

Freddie, it's rough. Cut it out!

Freddie, listen. Listen! Did you bring your trumpet?

- What? - Your trumpet,where is it?

- Why? - They're playing our song.

Chapter 9.

The teenage daughter is a constant reminder to her mother

that she is growing older.

During this time, it is essential for the husband to be

as kind, gentle, understanding and patient

- with his wife as possible. - John.

Damn it, Alice. Would you please stop interrupting?

You told me to tell you when Linda came home.

I'm sorry, I'm far behind with this thing.

Take a breather, might do you good.

I'll take a breather on Linda, and wind up full of smoke.

- Shall I send her in? - No, she'll slop this room too.

They're a new group. Aren't they great?

Okay, but make it early, the folks are going out for dinner.

I gotta split.

Hello, Daddy.

Mother said you wanted to speak to me.

I do.

Linda, in just a few short weeks, you're gonna be 18.

You're standing on the threshold of maturity.

I fell down the threshold, three years ago.

- Step this way, please. - What's the plot?

You'll see.

Your father and I would like to show you something.

Oh, is it a birthday present or something?

- Not exactly. - Well, what is it then?

Your room, dear.

Well, what do you think of it?

'I don't see anything different.'

'That's what I'm taking about, nothing different.'

I was late for school, I didn't have time to straighten up.

Were you late for three weeks? It's been this way since then.

When you mother showed me this charming landscape today

I could've thrown up, except you never would have noticed it.

Mother, it seems if a girl on the threshold of maturity

has her door closed, it should remain closed.

It certainly should, to keep the rats from running out.

How can you make a big deal out of one little messy room

when this whole world is flying apart?

Crime on the streets, Strontium-90 in our milk.

Push button warfare.

Do you realize that any moment we might be blasted off

- the face of this earth? - Alright, so we'd be blasted.

But, when we are, you are going with a clean room.

'Linda?'

Linda! Telephone!

May I be excused, please?

I asked you not to use the telephone so much.

I'm not using it, somebody else is using it.

Take it.

Thank you very much.

Hello.

Sometimes I want to strangle that kid.

Oh, come on, John.

You know you don't believe in spanking.

Spanking, no. Strangling, yes.

Taking about push button warfare..

...I think it's happened.

- What's the next move? - Nothing.

You're not to make a bed, pick up a shoe or empty an ashtray.

Let the cigarette butts pile up on the floor

till the carpet dies of nicotine poison.

And let those dishes stay right where they are.

Till she realizes if she doesn't take them down, nobody will.

That sounds like a great idea..

...if we're not condemned by the board of health.

You better stop calling so much, Freddie.

- Storm clouds are gathering. - Linda!

Oh, Linda. I don't have a clean bra for tomorrow.

- May I borrow yours? - Just use a band-aid.

Anyway..

Mother, Linda's bugging me again.

Hey, somebody's at the door. See you later. Bye.

Evening. Is Dr. Kingsley at home?

Hello, Mr. Merrick, It's been a long time.

- It is Linda, isn't it? - Uh-huh, come in.

Well, hiya there, slugger.

Hi. Daddy, Mr. Merrick's here.

You know, I almost didn't recognize you.

You've grown a little.

Oh, she's a C-cup now.

Abbey!

It's alright. I already guessed.

I'm a shrewd judge of character.

I was amazed to hear that you and daddy

were collaborating again.

I thought you two couldn't stand each other.

I've nothing against him. He resents me 'cause I'm perfect.

Besides, I needed the money.

Do me a favor.

Try to sneak in some advice about the, uh, awkward age.

And what do you consider the awkward age?

Anywhere from 39 on up.

I'm serious.

That's when they suddenly find themselves

with a grown up teenager.

Right away, they lose their sense of humor.

- They can't think straight. - Example?

Example, I do something wrong.

Something idiotic..

...which I manage to do from time to time.

Do you know what they say? I'm old enough to know better.

'And, they're right, I am. So, I reform.'

So I decide, I'll do something adult.

Like spend the fourth of July weekend

at Catalina island, with some of the kids from school..

...without a chaperone.

'Guess what their answer's going to be to that?'

You're too young.

I'm too old, I'm too young, all in the same 20 minutes!

What's your opinion, Mr. Merrick?

Am I really too young?

- You won't quote me? - Never.

Well, it's my opinion..

...that I'm working with your father on a book.

The pay is good, and I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

- Good evening, Doctor. - Evening, Merrick.

I was passing by. I thought I'd drop these notes off.

That's a little better. These are on Chapter 2?

No, actually, some additional thoughts on Chapter 1.

I can't wait to read them.

Linda? Put these on my desk, would you, please?

I'd be happy to.

That's quite a girl you've got there, Doctor.

Should be a real comfort in your old age.

She should be. She's what's causing it.

- I'd like to offer you a drink. - Thanks, I'd love one.

- Anyway, just on my way out. - Oh.

- Hello, Richard. - Good evening, Mrs. Kingsley.

- I was, uh, just on my way out. - Oh?

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Goodnight, Richard. - Goodnight.

I'll just be a moment, darling.

Goodnight, Abbey. Goodnight, Linda.

- 'Goodnight, mother.' - Goodnight, mother.

- Daddy. - Hmm?

Aren't you going to say goodnight?

Goodnight, kitten.

Hey! Hey, what happened? Did I say something wrong?

You haven't called me that in ages.

Ah, I guess I just forgot.

No, it's because I've been so b-i-zitchy, lately.

No, I deny that you've been b-i-zitchy.

Daddy, what's the matter with me these days?

- Why am I such a mess? - I deny that too.

But I am! I'm all mixed up inside.

I'm like a different person, from one moment to the next.

And always so positive about things.

Do you want me to confess something?

What's that?

I'm not positive about anything.

Let me confess. I'm not either.

Oh, you. You're like a rock.

People like you and mother and Dr. Fleischer..

Dr. Fleischer, yes.

You're like old trees. Sturdy, straight and strong.

You know, there's one old tree, called an Aspen, that goes Brrr.

Well, from now on, I'm really going to try.

Wait and see.

From now on, I'm going to be a changed woman.

Well, don't you change too much. As a matter of fact..

...I could do with a little change myself.

For one thing, I've been intolerant.

I've been keeping a closed mind about certain things.

From now on, my mind is open.

- Hi, Dr. Kingsley! - It just closed again.

You ready, Linda?

Freddie, I'm sorry, but, visiting hours are over.

Linda's studying for her math final.

Well, so am I! We're going to cram together.

- It's okay, daddy, isn't it? - Fine.

I think I'll go get into something more comfortable.

Well, Freddie, how's your father today?

Oh, he's-he's got the virus again.

It's hard to remember when he didn't.

Yeah. He always catches the virus from his patients.

Then he comes home, hollers at me and I get it.

And you give it to Linda and I get it.

I wish you'd stop smooching Linda, during the flu season.

Oh, I can't, Dr. Kingsley. I..

I find Linda...irresistible!

It's only out of respect for you that I keep my hands off her.

They'll probably stay cleaner, that way.

John, we better get started. Oh, hello, Freddie.

Linda, don't forget there's chicken in the refrigerator.

Oh, don't worry about dinner. I've got it right here.

Anchovy pizza, with salami.

I'd hate to get a whiff of your geometry book.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Oh, Freddie!

Freddie, we've got studying to do!

Freddie, what's come over you?

I can't live like this anymore, Linda.

You've got to make up your mind one way or another.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We kiss and kiss, for half the night, and then...nothing!

That could ruin a fella's health!

- Stop it! Stop! - No!

I had a talk with my hygiene teacher about it.

I'm sick of taking cold showers.

Freddie, what flavor pizza did you say?

- Huh? - The pizza. What kind is it?

- Anchovy, why? - With salami?

Yes, salami.

Why don't we have some, before it gets cold?

Okay.

No, you don't! Not this time.

Not again!

What, not again?

- No talking me out of it. - Freddie, cool it!

What do you think you are?

A Christmas package all tied up with ribbon or something?

- No! Yes! - Well, you're not!

Freddie, quit it!

Time out! Personal foul!

Why didn't you say you were here?

Since when do I have to announce myself in my own home?

What are you doing, sneaking up on me, you little sneak?

Sneaking up? I thought the house was caving in.

What's going on, anyhow?

Freddie's teaching me karate.

Looks like he won the black belt.

Will you please go to your room?

Yes, I will please go to my room. Goodnight.

The volume of a sphere

is equal to the product of its area, by 1/3rd its radius.

Man, that sounds sexy!

I feel guilty, telling Linda we're going out to dinner.

Yes. No use upsetting her while she's studying.

This is it, I guess.

- Hello? - 'Come in.'

- Good evening. - Good evening.

I'm Mrs. Kingsley.

And this is Dr. Kingsley.

My name is Miss Hammer. I hope you'll forgive me.

This is the only time I get to work out.

I suppose you've come to talk about Linda?

- Yes. - And why she's failing in gym?

We can't understand it, Miss Hammer.

Linda's very healthy.

Oh, she is.

- Too bad you aren't, Doctor. - I beg your pardon?

- How do you do? - How do you do?

You have a very oily hand, doctor.

If I were you, I'd watch my cholesterol.

I'll do that, thank you. Um, about Linda..

Fine, young girl.

She must've been a tower of strength

- during your convalescence. - My convalescence?

When you were recovering, from your heart attack.

I never had a heart attack.

Mrs. Kingsley thought you had.

'She signed the excuse.'

- What excuse? - I have it right here.

I quote..

"Dear Miss Hammer, please excuse Linda from gym

"for three weeks, so she can visit her father

who's in the hospital, due to a heart attack."

John, I never signed any such thing!

But who did...Oh!

I rest my case.

Miss Hammer, just because my daughter's a forger

doesn't necessarily mean she's a liar.

The fact remains she's been absent 26 times this semester.

- 26? - On one excuse?

Oh, no! You should see this collection.

"Please excuse Linda as her father smashed his car

into a tree."

"Please excuse Linda as her father suffered

"a broken collar bone

when he was attacked by a patient."

Here's my favorite.

"Please excuse Linda as her father is using her

"for LSD experiments

and she doesn't know who she is in the afternoon."

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it!

I can't believe you wrote those notes.

- Did you? - Yes.

What sort of person are you?

I'm just a product of your and mother's genes.

- Leave me out of this. - The callousness of it!

"My father smashed his car into a tree."

It's almost...like a wish fulfillment.

I ran out of diseases. I didn't know what to give you.

You gave me enough for a complete re-run of Dr. Kill Dad.

Really John, this is beside the point.

The hell it isn't! Not once in those notes did she cripple you?

Furthermore, the competition between

mother and daughter makes you her natural enemy.

John, may we please knock off all this psychological poop?

All this psychological poop bought you this house

a mink coat in the closet, Henri Matisse over your fireplace.

Alright, alright!

- Look, if you two want to-- - Sit right down where you were!

Daddy, instead of all this talk, punish me.

Take something away from me.

Like what? I can't find anything!

Please answer the telephone. I'm anxious to know how Freddie is.

That can't be Freddie because he just left.

Hello.

Just a minute, Freddie.

I'll take it in the study, please.

I've got it.

- I've got the answer. - 'What?'

Hello? Mother, I have it!

I'm going to take away something from Linda

that'll be really good for her.

I'm going to take away Freddie.

Oh, Jonathan, taking her car and her allowance is one thing

but Freddie is her whole life.

That's the point.

Ever since he stamped his bare footwear into her heart..

...Linda had deteriorated.

Her appearance is slovenly, her grades are off.

She's been ditching classes in order to go swimming.

With a pool outside, why do they have to go to the beach?

Assuming they do go to the beach.

You're not suggesting that they--

Alice, the longer a girl goes steady with a boy

the more liberties she allows him to take.

Contempt is not the only thing familiarity breeds.

You don't believe they go swimming?

I don't know.

There's been an awful lot of sand in her swimsuit lately.

You don't get sand in your swimsuit from swimming.

You get it from thrashing around on the beach.

As you well know.

But what happened with us was different.

We knew we were going to be married.

You knew, I didn't.

But you've always trusted Linda.

Your father always trusted you. Have I made my point?

Shh.

Oh, Linda, darling. Your father has something to say to you.

We want you to understand that this is not to be regarded

as punishment, but something for your own good.

- I understand, punishment. - No, no, no, it's not.

We just feel..

...that you've been doing yourself a great injustice

by confining yourself to just one boy.

We want you to meet all types of boys.

That's right. Play the field a little.

You mean you want me to give up Freddie.

- As a steady diet, yes. - Okay.

I was going to stop seeing him anyway.

You were? Why?

Well, he made me a kind of a proposal.

- Of marriage? - Don't be silly!

Dr. Fleischer would never give Freddie permission to marry.

Not at his age!

Well, just what would Freddie ask him permission for?

Mother, nobody asks permission to--

Don't say it. I don't want to hear it.

- How long has this been on? - Nothing's been going on.

That's Freddie's hang up.

A couple of weeks ago, he set sort of a deadline.

Either I had to make up my mind by this Saturday

or he'd find himself a new girl.

Why that, pornographic, little pizza-pusher!

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Because I didn't want to perpetrate a trauma

upon a person who has a marked neurotic tendency

towards his stereo.

Would you knock off that psychological poop?

Alright, it's because I didn't want you to have a heart attack.

Why not? You've got my note for it.

Get him on the phone and tell him you're through.

Gee, Daddy, the deadline's not till Saturday.

Now! If you don't, I will.

Alright, but at least let me tell him face to face.

Face to face and ten feet apart.

Yes, Mother.

Are you sure we're right about this?

I'm a psychiatrist. It's my business to be right.

Well, you may be a giant in your office

but once you step into your own home

you are about as psychiatrically-oriented

as a plumbing contractor.

I've told you a hundred times, no doctor can be as objective

with his family, as he is with his patients.

Why not? There should be some advantage in being married

to a psychiatrist.

If I'd married a plumber, I'd at least expect good drainage.

So, we'll have to make it a clean break.

No dates, no studying. No calls, no nothing.

We've been grounded.

Well, don't take it like that. You wrote the rules.

I'm sorry. Goodnight.

Oh, that's sweet.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Do you still think we did the right thing?

Certainly. It will not only help Linda

but from a purely selfish view point

with Freddie out of the picture

I'm finally going to get some peace and quiet around here.

Parents of the teenager must not expect their home

constantly to preserve..

...the peace and quiet of a Buddhist monastery.

On certain occasions, the household will be in an uproar.

Frighten me, will you? I'm gonna sting you so good.

Oh, come back here!

But not every damn day!

Oh!

Oh! Hold that!

- Ohh! Hey gang, nourishment. - I'm sorry, Mrs. Kingsley.

Have you any idea what the decibel rating is around here?

Well, you told her to play the field.

These are the noises that go with it.

- I got you! - Andy!

Oh, hi. I don't think you ever met Andy McClaine.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Mother.

I didn't realize you brought your folks along.

- Oh, Daddy! Come on, Andy. - Linda.

- May I have a moment, please? - I'll be right with you.

- Yes, Daddy? - I am trying to write a book.

On weekends, I have to work at home.

Oh, and that's racket time around here.

I'll get them to smooth it out a little.

Look, folks.

I know since school's closed I'm getting on your nerves.

Well, I'd like to do something about it, really.

Like what?

Well, I thought, that if I could get away..

...like four or five days.

Like over the fourth to Catalina with the kids.

With them? I'd rather put up with the racket.

- Linda, you are too young. - I'm almost 18!

At 16 Cleopatra ruled Egypt!

Fine. When you get your own country, you let us know.

Mother!

- Daddy! - It's simple. You're too young.

Too healthy to go to Catalina without a chaperone.

But we have a chaperone.

Helen Snider's aunt is coming along.

She'll be in the house with us every minute.

- What sort of person is she? - She's a divine person.

And she has a marvelous understanding of teenagers.

She ought to. She just turned 17 last month.

- Oh, you little sneak! - You're no better.

Trying to pull a fast one like that.

But she is Helen's aunt.

She happens to be 17 because Helen's grandfather

got married a second time and had a daughter

by Helen's mother's sister only five months after--

Forget the family tree and forget about Catalina.

- But I don't see why. - Linda.

Good afternoon, Doctor. Linda.

Good afternoon, Mr. Merrick.

I just dropped by to discuss Chapter 6.

Family arguments... and how to avoid them.

All I need this afternoon is a few of your pithy remarks.

Let's go to work. Will you listen to that?

- I'd throw them all out. - Well, it's not your house.

So long as Linda's in the pool with her friends, it's okay.

- You don't trust her? - Of course, I trust her.

I just wanna know where she is, who she's with, when she's home.

I'd call that trust, about the way we trust Red China.

Hi, man. This the Doc Kingsley pad?

If you mean do I live here, yes.

My name is Bartholomew Smuts. I'm a friend of Linda's.

I'd be disappointed if you weren't.

Hey, you think it's safe to leave my motorcycle out there?

Why take a chance? Bring it in here.

I just don't want anybody to steal it, daddy bear.

You know there's a lot of kooks running around.

I hadn't noticed.

Hey, man, that's a pretty groovy reproduction.

That is no reproduction. That is an original Matisse.

An original copy, you mean.

Matisse never used a brush stroke like that in his life.

Where did you buy this phony?

From a patient of mine who's an art dealer.

That patient's cured, man. You belong on a couch.

- 'Where's the little mama?' - Where's the what?

Your daughter, man. Your daughter.

Look, Mr. Smuts, don't you think you're a little old for her?

Let's get something straight, doc.

I didn't come here to marry her. I'm just interested in her body.

I admire your honesty, it's not gonna prevent me punching you.

- Stand up! - Easy, doc, easy.

- You should see a head shrink. - I am a head shrink! Stand up!

Cool it, daddy bear. You don't have to worry about Linda.

She's a hard-nosed kid. She wouldn't even come up to my pad.

You mean your apartment?

What's wrong with an artist taking interest in his model?

I'm painting her.

How did you happen to meet Linda, in the first place?

She was waiting for a bus. I gave her a lift.

Very generous of you. On that thing?

That thing has a very generous backseat.

- Just like Linda. - Look, Smuts.

Why don't you just leave quietly without my calling the cops?

Daddy, I have a problem. Oh, Bart! How nice!

I see you've met Daddy.

Yeah, I've met him. I don't like him.

- You will. Give him a chance. - Yeah, I grow on people.

- Go to the pool. I'll join you. - Beautiful.

- Daddy, I have a problem. - I don't believe it.

- Well, it's mine, really. - He wants to go home.

That's too bad. How soon can you leave?

He has to pick his guitar.

- We're having a hootenanny. - Why am I being consulted?

The problem is, he can't get his car out of the driveway.

Yeah, doc, I kinda hooked bumpers with yours.

Let's unhook them.

I kinda smashed your rear taillight, too.

That's almost impossible to do without staving in my trunk.

I guess you got the whole picture now, sir.

Fine, sir. Move ahead!

Keep rockin' it, sir!

Just once more, sir!

Now, back up, hard!

Gosh, sir, I must've shoved it into forward instead of reverse.

You have insurance, I suppose.

Oh, I will have, sir, as soon as I get my license.

Chapter 16.

One problem that often arises is the teenage vacation.

Should you allow your daughter to go away for a few days

with a group of her friends?

Your first impulse will be to say, "No, you're too young."

Don't say it.

Demonstrate your trust in her. By all means, let her go.

Be honest, you were demonstrating how to get

her friends out of your hair.

Might I remind you, she satisfied me completely

in the matter of a chaperone.

If that gym teacher can't keep it in line, nobody can.

Anyway, a little vacation might be a very good thing for her.

A healthy thing. In the first place, she'll get some rest.

She'll be breathing fresh, clean, smoke-free air.

And above all, she'll be making new friends.

'Forging new relationships.'

'Probably, chaperone.'

Wow!

- 'How about a coffee break?' - Hm. Malibu.

Paper cups?

The last of our three sets of china is up in Linda's room.

We can hold out as long as she can.

Except we're having the faculty dinner party here

tomorrow night.

Would it be alright if I took just enough dishes for that?

Certainly not.

After we dirty them I could..

...sneak them back into her room again.

We're not giving into Linda over this.

It's a matter of principle.

Buy a new set of dishes.

I knew you'd come up with the answer.

Incidentally, have you noticed how quite it's been around here

since she came back from Catalina.

Yes, whatever happened to all those poolside parasites?

They've been phoning and Linda keeps brushing them off.

- She's even turned down dates. - Strange.

If you think that's strange, what do you suppose

she is doing right now.

- Reading. - Not a book.

And what a book. The words by Jean-Paul Sartre.

The cover is Sartre, inside is Fanny Hill.

It's Sartre.

Abbey is reading Fanny Hill.

Abbey, want to have a little discussion with you

about literature.

Your mother..

Good morning, daddy dear.

Happy day, sister of mine.

Oh, mother, where's the vacuum?

I'm doing my room.

She's sick.

She's on the verge of some horrible disease.

What's the matter with Linda?

She's sick. Get hold of Dr. Fleischer.

Don't be silly. He gave her a physical just yesterday

for her college entrance.

Then it's her head. Daddy, that's your department.

You stay out of this.

I can't stand by and watch my sister

having a nervous breakdown.

Just stop that, go to your room.

Alright. But I still think it's an emergency.

I can't believe the change.

I mean, not over night.

It's perfectly simple.

We treated her like an adult, she's reacting like an adult.

Sending her to Catalina, was the wisest decision I ever made.

Two minutes John, two minutes.

I've a houseful of guests. No time to put you on the couch.

- Have a drink instead. - You know, I can't.

- I've ulcer problem. - Well, sit down. Relax.

On that and slip another disk?

Uh, come on, just two minutes. One minute.

- Alright. What is it? - Well, it's Freddie.

He's gone into a complete tailspin

ever since Linda broke off with him.

- Well, he'll find another girl. - He doesn't want another girl.

He's even stopped reading Playboy.

- Why won't you let her see him? - I never said she couldn't.

I just said not as a steady diet.

What's wrong with my son as a steady diet?

You want this straight? Not a doctor to patient.

- But doctor to doctor. - Go ahead, doctor.

Well, to put it mildly.

Freddie was a very bad influence on Linda.

My Freddie?

Frankly, the more she saw him, the more stubborn she became.

Well, frankly since Freddie started going out with Linda

he stopped combing his hair, and stopped wearing shoes.

But I didn't try to break them up just cause Linda's a slob.

What do you mean a slob?

A slob! If he happened to sit down in her room it was usually

on a piece of pie.

I spent a fortune

sending that kid's clothes out to be cleaned.

While you were at it

it's too bad you didn't send his mind out to be cleaned.

What? Just what are you implying?

Only that your son made an indecent demand

upon my daughter.

I don't believe it.

Except for his feet, he's a clean living boy.

What do you know? You spend the all day long in the office

and at night you're running around kissing strange women

and catching mononucleosis.

Good evening, doctor. The guest of honor has arrived.

Merrick.

Do me a favor, tonight. No jokes.

I was referring to our illustrious straw boss

the Chancellor of the University.

- Oh! - J-John. John.

- Pleased to have you. - Delightful.

- Good evening, Mrs. Fish. - How do you do?

- Harvey. - John.

Glad that you could make it, Dr. Fish.

Come with me, I'd like you to meet..

Dr. North, how are you?

If we're going to swing him to our side, you're in.

Where does he stand now?

He'd like to know more about you.

That's why I suggested you throw this cheese dip orgy.

Martini, Dr. Fish?

Oh, well, I might have one. Weak.

One weak martini, coming up.

Now, there's a lovely sight.

- Who is she? - Well, I--

- That is my daughter, Linda. - Oh, thank you.

- Charming, isn't she? - Delightful.

You know, when I see young people like that

poised and intelligent

then think of the other young people..

She isn't the one who was carrying that placard?

That's impossible.

Oh, yes. She was but she told me she had no idea

what was on that sign. Not the slightest.

- I believe her. - Thank you, sir.

'Linda!'

- Linda Kingsley. - No, Mr. Merrick.

Tonight, I'm someone entirely different.

I'm sure you are.

What happened to the blue Jeans and that

chic sweatshirt you used to wear.

Oh, those I left them at Catalina.

Mm.

- What went on over there? - Went on?

Well, people just don't change over night for no fair reasons.

Something must have happened.

Something pretty interesting.

Interesting, exciting and terribly wonderful.

Would you care to confide in an older man, me, for instance.

Please, sir.

Would you care to dance with an older man? Me, for instance.

Among a man's greatest assets are a beautiful wife

and a lovely daughter. I'd say you had a real head start.

I'm glad you think so, sir.

Now, about the new psychiatric wing..

John!

I believe you're being paged.

Excuse me.

What is it now. herb?

You can't make a statement like that, and then walk away.

Statement like what?

- Well, you accused my-- - Shh.

Just what do you imply by an indecent demand?

Herb, for the love of..

I want to know what do you imply by an indecent demand?

Doctor to doctor, the works.

If he said anything like that, then she led him on.

What are you implying by "she led him on?"

My son is an innocent, which is more than

I can say for your daughter.

Go on implying. But keep your guard on.

Doctor to doctor, you better know something, doctor.

Like what?

Well, I concluded her medical yesterday

and to put it on medically

your daughter no longer qualifies as a spinster.

Do you mean precisely what I think you mean?

- Precisely. - Get out of my house.

- Out of my sight. - Have you lost your mind?

Out!

You may be a psychiatrist

but your attitude is completely unprofessional.

Go on, you, general practitioner.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

I'm glad they passed Medicare.

Did he say, he was sure?

In a case like this, how can he be unsure?

It's like the mumps.

Either you have it or you don't.

But Linda, our Linda.

How did it happen? When? Where?

Don't forget who.

Catalina. That's when it happened.

The weekend that we..

Now, don't panic. Don't panic.

Gotta keep our heads and think clearly.

That isn't going to help.

I'm a psychiatrist, don't tell me what helps.

You always said that liquor was just a crutch.

Right now, I could use a wheelchair.

Hold it. Hold everything.

How'd we jump into conclusions?

- Hello. - Jump then.

It's medically possible that her condition or lack of condition

could be the result of physical activity entirely unrelated to

social hanky-panky.

Of course, she could be entirely innocent.

Yes, in our panic, we overlooked the way we raised Linda.

How she may be noisy, a bad student, a dangerous driver

a liar, a forger and a slob.

But I'll bet my right arm, she's virtuous.

Smuts!

And don't forget, he gave her a ride on your back seat.

Well, that hairy ape is headed for the party.

- Maybe Linda invited him. - I'll go uninvite him.

Hey, Linda.

Barth, for heaven's sakes, what are you doing here?

Hey, look at you.

I finished the painting.

Thought you might like to see it.

- Yes, but not right now. - I don't need it.

John, you better make the best of it.

The Chancellor's watching.

What do you think you're doing?

Picture of Linda. I'm giving a one man show, man.

Get it on the road.

- John, people are beginning-- - Out. Before I throw you out.

John, please. Lets make the best of this.

Ah, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Mr. Bartholmew Smuts, a friend of Linda's.

Well, he's not really a friend, uh, he's an artist

and he's going to show you a sample of his work

a portrait of our daughter.

I call it, Linda as I knew her, a study.

Ta-da-da!

It's a lie. It's a lie.

Linda never posed for a thing like this in her whole life.

- Did you? - Yes, I did but--

- I say, you didn't. - Okay--

Donno where you got this. It's not my daughter.

You don't think it looks like her?

- No! - Yup. That's Linda, alright.

- Go to your room. - I thought you'd buy it.

An original, original instead of that phony copy in there.

Buy that-that oversized dirty postcard?

Get it out of here before we call the vice squad.

It's a masterpiece. I'll let it go for 50 bucks.

I'll mail you a check. It'll be worth it.

Just for the pleasure for setting it on fire.

Just for that, it's withdrawn from the market.

You leave it here.

Nobody sets fire to an original Smuts. The painting goes.

- Stays. - I say it goes.

Stays!

'A-ah!'

- Harvey, quick. - 'Oh, no, no.'

Great baboon. Why did you let go of it.

Doctor, swim. Up the ladder.

Just another minute, Dr. Fish. You'll be nice and dry.

As I was, upon my arrival.

Elliot, I hope you're not gonna let this little mishap

influence you in any way.

Why should it? I often take a refreshing dip off in evening.

But I must admit, I have rarely been beaten

over the head with the nude.

I did not pose in the nude. I was wearing a bikini.

Why's the painting in the nude?

I don't know. May be he thought I'd be more saleable.

That's a better excuse than your gas pedal getting stuck.

It's no excuse. Didn't you know that something was missing?

From where I viewed it, there was absolutely nothing missing.

I'll tell you what was missing.

- My birth mark. - Now, what does that prove?

Barth's a realist. If he would've seen the birth mark

he would have painted it in.

But he didn't see it because I was wearing my bikini.

He saw the bikini. Why didn't he paint that?

Daddy, you're not mad at me because of the painting.

You're mad because it happened in front of

the Chancellor and you may blow your whole psychiatric wing.

Don't talk like that, young lady.

I'm not your young lady. I'm old enough to..

According to Dr. Fleischer, you're not only old enough.

You already have.

So, he told you. The old blabber mouth.

You're being pretty casual.

What should I be? Hysterical because I'm finally a woman?

How do you talk like that after the way we've raised you?

Oh, come on. You've always told me to be a participant

and not a viewer.

Who was it? Smuts?

I'll pull his beard out hair by hair.

What does it matter who it was? It's done.

I'm in love.

What do you know about love? You're a child.

Some people don't think so.

Linda, I give you one more chance.

- Who was it? - I won't tell you.

I won't. I won't.

Linda...for the last time.

Who was the man?

I'm in love. Can't you understand that?

I saved myself like a Christmas package

all tied up with ribbon.

Well, dammit, I'm here to find out who untied you.

Boy, this beats the bejaggers out of Fanny Hill.

Abbey, your father's trying to sleep.

Sleep it off, you mean?

He was very upset last night.

I know. If my daughter wouldn't tell me who untied her

and if I'd dumped the Chancellor in the pool

- I'll get loaded myself. - Oh, go, read your book.

Not that book. And stay away from the hi-fi.

Wow! Did you hang one on last night?

Abbey, please, whisper.

No, just move your mouth. I read lips.

I heard somewhere that if you take tomato juice and beer

and drop a raw egg in it that..

Daddy, if it'll make you feel any better

you don't have to worry about me.

I'm gonna stay an old maid and live with you

for the rest of my life.

That makes my day.

- John, you're awake. - I am. That's interesting.

Boy, he hasn't been this hung-over

since the psychiatrist convention.

Abbey, don't talk that way about your father.

- I told you he's all on edge. - I don't know why.

Linda's lost it and that's that.

Abbey! Oh..

Boy, you haven't been this hung-over

since the psychiatrist convention.

Alice, please don't try to be funny.

If you remember you have Merrick coming over.

Oh!

What are we gonna do?

First, we find out which boy it was.

Is that so important?

Well, I mean, isn't it kind of old-fashioned?

No, it's not old-fashioned.

Anymore than having a baby is old-fashioned.

We may have to know.

Are you suggesting that she may be..

Oh, no.

Are you suggesting that she possibly isn't? Oh, no.

You mean, you found more?

I forgot to look under the bed.

I can't get over it.

Linda Kingsley breaking the filth barrier.

- It isn't Kingsley anymore. - Huh?

Abbey, I'm going to tell you something.

Something so important that if you ever read a--

What what? No, no, don't tell me.

I'm a compulsive stool pigeon.

Oh, you're not. You're my sister and I can trust you.

You can?

Abbey, I'm married.

- No. - Yes.

- Married? - Abbey, ssh!

Oh, Linda, how wonderful!

What's it like, being married?

You just said it, it's wonderful.

But that doesn't mean you're going to leave home, does it?

- As soon as I can, yes. - I'm going to miss you.

Well, you can always come and visit me.

If you promise to keep your room clean.

Linda, you haven't told me. Who's the boy?

- The pizza pusher. - 'What?'

Freddie. I'll bet that's who it is.

- Oh, I don't think so. - Why not?

He's still playing tabs, I heard in this morning.

I don't think it's normal for a boy to play tabs right after he

after he, it's not normal.

Playing tabs might be a blind, just to throw us off the sin.

And he did go to Catalina.

There must have been hundreds of boys over there. Thousands!

Do you think we'll ever find out, which one it was.

No unless we dust of his fingerprints.

Alice, we've got to do this thing.

Scientifically and psychoanalytically.

Now, who are the prime suspects?

The first trumpet, Freddie, there's auto wrecker, Andy

motor cycle maniac, Smuts.

If it's Smuts, I'll kill myself.

Try to find their phone numbers.

I want to see these three boys together.

The gathering of the suspects. It's right out of Perry Mason.

Group therapy. I want interaction among these boys.

They'll all deny it.

If I handle it right, one of them is bound to make a slip.

- Hi. - Hi.

You know who I just had a call from?

- The cops. - Your father.

My father? He must be feeling sicker than I thought.

Entree.

- Hi, Andy. - 'Hi, Abbey.'

I was just starting for the beach. Your father called.

Boy, he really flipped out.

Entree.

- 'Hi, Andy.' - Hi.

Hello, boys.

- Mrs. Kingsley. - Mrs. Kingsley.

Why don't you just sit down, over there

and the doctor will be right with you.

Abbey, go take a swim.

- But I just had a swim. - Go take another one.

E-e..

Did you just look at that?

Only an idiot will drive one of those things!

Oh, no. I used to ride one myself.

Well.

If he chews up that flower bed again, I'll yank out his spokes.

Huh. That's better.

Dangerous place for a thing like that, lady.

Somebody could get hurt.

I'll move that into the cloak closet. Come on.

- You take that back. - Take what back?

- That last crack. - Why should I? It's true.

Boys, boys. What's the problem?

Nobody puts down Linda in front of me.

You freaked out or something? I was building her up.

I said, "Linda kisses very sweetly."

You did not! You said it was like slurping

into a Boston cream pie.

Oh, alright. I'm sure he meant it in a nice way.

Didn't you?

Well, how else?

You see? There's nothing wrong with Boston cream pie.

- Hi there, fellas. - Hello, sir.

Make yourselves comfortable. Please sit down. Over there.

- Thanks for the check. - Oh, for the painting, yes.

You didn't have to send it special messenger.

I wanted to make it quite sure you got it.

I showed your signature to a handwriting expert.

- You did? - He says you're insecure.

Oh. Well, I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here.

Hey, that sounds like right out of Perry Mason.

Would you please keep your big mouth..

- Yes, Perry Mason, of course. - Hey, where's Linda?

This discussion has nothing to do with Linda.

- She's up in her room. - Her room?

Her dog shouldn't live in that room. It's all pies.

- Have you been in Linda's room? - Uh-uh.

Abbey, showed me a picture she took of it.

She was gonna send it to Better Homes and Gardens.

You still haven't said what this is all about.

Oh, yes. Now, as you probably know, I'm writing a book.

Could you please get to the point?

It'll be dark before I get back from the beach..

and I don't have headlights since I kinda

scratched your car.

And now you're driving without lights?

I don't do much driving at nights.

Personally, I'm more of a parker.

I see.

Well, as I was saying, I've been working on this book.

And there's one chapter that deals with a teenage boy

and his attitude towards sex.

'And I thought I'd be able to pick up a little'

'first hand information.'

You gotta be kidding? Teenager? I'm 25.

Well, perhaps, you can remember some things.

If you write what I remember, you'll be arrested.

- Shall we go on? - 'Yeah, let's get on.'

Thank you.

We'll start with, with you, Freddie.

Freddie, when was your first..

What's your first experience?

- You mean with girls? - 'Yes.'

Well, it's, it's kinda hard to say, really. It's..

...it's been so long.

'How long?'

Well, let me see now.

Like a year ago, two years ago?

Well, um..

- How about next week? - If he get's lucky.

Why don't you knock it off?

If you're such a swinger, how come you asked Ed Garvey

about some girl who might be willing?

- How do you know that? - He told me.

Eh, what girl did he suggest?

Your sister.

- That's a dirty lie. - Break it up. Oh!

Look what you did to the old doctor.

- Ah, I'm sorry, sir. - Are you alright?

Don't touch me. Yes I'm fine. I just..

...not in very good condition for this sorta discussions.

Phew! Now where were we?

He just said that his sister--

- You shut your mouth! - No, no, no, no. Oh!

You've hurt the old doc again.

Gee doc, I wish you wouldn't interfere so much.

This could get serious.

Serious? It's just getting monotonous, that's all.

Wouldn't try to protect him doc if he knew

how many times he tried to get your daughter up to his pad.

- You did what? - Cool it, daddy bear. Cool it.

It's your own fault. If you'd allowed her to go with me

there would've been nothing to worry about.

You made an indecent proposal to her in the first place.

You should be flattered. If she was a dog I wouldn't bother.

Oh, What sort of depraved kids have your parents raised?

What are you so flipped about doc?

Linda's my daughter, that's what I'm flipped about.

Everybody's somebody's daughter. Including Mrs. Kingsley.

Don't tell me you never tried to score with her.

- Score? With Alice? - Somebody called me?

Out, out, out.

Now let's just keep our heads.

I'm gonna conduct a little experiment in..

...free association. You all heard of free association?

Yeah.

I'm going to ask you a simple question.

And you answer the first thing that comes into your heads.

Don't think just answer, like that. Understand?

- Right. - Sit over there.

- Yeah. - Right.

Black?

White.

Day?

Night.

- Who did it? - One of them.

- He did. - Why you..

No, no, no.

Hey, Andy, stop it. Stop it, stop it.

Hey, what you doing doc?

Get off, get off my lap.

What's going on?

- Stop it. - Stop it boys.

- Where's daddy? - Huh?

The doctor, what have you done with him?

Look, he's lying down.

- Jonathan, oh, John. John dear. - Excuse me.

- I'm late for trumpet lesson. - Me too.

Like your friend said he's real insecure.

Has he been drinking again?

Simply not, how dare you suggest such a thing?

He's coming to..

- Oh! - Doc, are you alright?

- Never better. Oh! - That's better, come on.

- Daddy who hit you? - Everybody. Ooh.

But why in heavens name? Why?

Your father was merely trying to discover

which one is responsible for your predicament.

My..

Daddy, how could you do such a revolting thing?

What's revolting about it?

It-it's-it's sneaky and dishonest

it's-it's positively indecent.

Look whose talking about decency.

What about your behavior? That's what I call indecent.

She is not indecent, she's married.

I did it, I did it. Oh I told you I was compulsive.

Married? How could you be married?

- It's not difficult, just-- - You mean..

You married without telling your mother and me?

I'm sorry, I-I didn't want you to find out this way.

What I really--

How'd you get a license without our consent? You're under age.

We left Catalina and flew to Las Vegas.

You and who flew there?

If I told you, you'd have it annulled.

Your damn right I'll have it annulled. Who was it?

I won't tell you so don't bother to ask.

Linda, I think you oughta reconsider in this..

I actually side with your father in this, I--

I don't care what side you're on, no!

They've records in the Nevada.

All I've gotta do is make a call to find out.

You can't. We got married under assumed names.

Why didn't you mind your own damn business?

John?

John, didn't you have enough last night?

Last night I was just beginning.

'Hello.'

Hello!

I have been holding on.

Alright, then switch me to the bureau of vital statistics.

You've connected me with everybody else in Nevada

except a blackjack dealer in Reno.

- What's that? - For what ails you.

And what ails you is two hangovers in one day.

I can't understand why you started drinking again.

My mistake was not starting drinking again

it was getting sober again. Hello.

Now look, I am Dr. Kingsley

and I'm gonna give you this just one more time.

Somewhere between the forth and the eighth of July

my daughter was married.

He said congratulations.

My daugh--

My daughter was married.

Without my consent and under an assumed name.

No I don't know what assume name?

If I did, why would I be asking?

Forget it, forget it.

Her real name is Linda Kingsley.

She's very pretty. Five..

'Five six. Brown hair.'

No, I don't know, what the fellow looks like. Hold it.

Has anyone up there been married lately with a beard?

No he's not a Rabbi.

Look, who am I talking to?

Oh, why the hell didn't you say so?

The Bureau of Vitals Statistic is closed on Saturday.

- That was the janitor. - If I were you--

If you were me, Jonathan, you'd have a hangover.

You'd want to be left alone in your misery. Thank you.

O-oh!

Who is it?

'It's me.'

Ah, just a minute.

Linda, I want to talk to you.

There is no use asking me who he is.

I won't tell you.

For the moment let's forget him.

I want to know who you are?

I don't recognize you any more.

If you mean, I'm no longer a child, you're right.

You're only seventeen.

I'll be eighteen next month.

Your age when you married daddy.

That was entirely different.

Our marriage didn't happen this way.

I'd have given anything if mine hadn't happen this way either.

But it did.

Do you think that your father and I

deserve to be treated this way?

Why is it when ever someone tries to live her own life

she's suddenly miss treating her parents.

All I want is what you have.

What I have is a son-in-law, who's name I don't even know.

You have everything.

You have a-a husband who loves you.

A home, a family, a position in the community, the whole works.

- What have I got? Nothing! - Nothing?

Your father and I have given you everything.

I'm just a boarder in this house

with an allowance you pull in and out, like a yo-yo.

You've a lot of nerve to talk that way.

Mother whenever your stuck for an answer

you'll pull rank on me.

I know the answer, you are a spoilt, selfish brat..

...who doesn't care that much who she hurts.

That's the answer.

Hey, mom, what's got you scared?

Is it that I'm growing up?

Which means you're getting older?

Well, that happens to everybody mom.

Sooner or later, every women in the world

with a daughter my age turn out to be a grandmother.

And there's not a thing we can do about it.

Believe me.

Oh!

Grandmother.

Grandmother.

Alice, for pete's sake.

It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Wait till you see me at 4:30.

Do you have to go? Really have to?

- I think it might be better. - Not for me.

I've got a awful bad feeling, Linda.

Like nothing will ever be the same.

Like maybe when you walk out, I'll never see you again.

I'm not being shot into outer space you know.

I'll be just a couple a blocks from here.

Now stop worrying.

I'll call you tomorrow as soon as I can, okay?

Good night, bunny face.

What is this supposed to mean?

What it looks like I guess.

I found a little apartment over on 8th street

this afternoon near the campus.

You can stop me of course, I realize that.

But I don't think you should.

I don't think you will.

Eighth street?

A swimming pool right outside the door

and she's gonna live over some..

...acid shop.

It's not that kind of a neighborhood, it's just..

...inexpensive.

You'll need some money I suppose I..

I'll make it a check.

I have what Aunt Aggie left me, that'll do for ages.

Well, at least until my 18th birthday.

Mom..

Try to forgive me for what I said before.

I didn't mean it to hurt.

You're not old. I am.

Goodbye.

We've lost her.

- What did we do wrong? - And what did I do right?

Honey?

Daddy?

Linda, said I could have her room.

And I thought that..

If I slept in here that..

Maybe we all wouldn't miss her so much.

Sweet dreams, kitten.

The subject for discussion, madam, gentlemen

is the new head of the psychiatric wing.

You have before you a brief biography

of a possible appointee, Dr. Jonathan Kingsley.

I have read it with interest, Dean Rockwell.

But I fail to notice any mention of his free-speaking daughter

being arrested at our recent campus riot.

- I felt it was irrelevant. - Oh, you did?

Incidentally, does anyone happen to know

the word on that placard?

Yes, it was..

Jonathan Kingsley, was not carrying that placard, doctor.

His daughter was.

Does anyone here happen to know Dr. Kingsley personally?

- I do. - Yes.

Weren't you his dinner guest just a few evenings ago?

- Yes. - Yes.

Seems to me I heard a rumor about that evening, Dean.

Didn't he knock you in the pool?

There's a example about the truth can be twisted.

No! he did not knock me into the pool.

He knocked the chancellor into the pool.

I suppose, I should explain that.

Try.

Hello.

Oh, Linda, I'm glad you called, you better..

It's for me mother.

'Okay Abbey.'

You better get right over here, something's happening.

What?

'Mr. Merrick's coming, he's got the whole scam.'

Abby, you're not making sense, scam about what?

He just called daddy and told him. He knows who you married.

'He said he'd bring your husband here at 3 o'clock.'

It's 3 o'clock now.

Abbey! Abbey!

Hey, Abbey!

- Oh! - Go to your room.

- Um, but daddy. - Your room, your room.

What are you doing here?

With your kind permission, I'll come in.

Thank you.

What do you want now?

I don't take cash for something I don't really deliver.

So I painted another one.

Ta-da-ta!

I think it's improved, don't you?

Get that thing outta here.

Wait a minute. The birth mark.

- What? - Linda's birth mark.

When did you paint this?

Last night and this morning, why?

Did Linda pose for it?

I haven't seen Linda since the party.

I paint strictly from memory.

Then how do you account for the birth mark?

- Where? - Right there!

That's no birth mark.

I was eating a hot dog, I must have dribbled a little mustard.

Well, I'm gonna dribble you right now. Right now!

How would I know about Linda's birth mark?

You're the one who sneakedher out and married her that's how.

You put your cold, daddy bear, only because of the beard.

You, realize that girl's under age, a minor?

Do you know what the law is on a thing like this?

Let go! Let go!

- John, for heaven sake, John. - You could do ten years.

Keep that freak away, he's blown his mind.

- Doc, easy. - You stay outta this.

Come on doc.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm having a nice conversation with your husband.

- He's not my husband. - He didn't marry, Linda, I did.

That's what I came to tell you.

I'd like everybody to remain calm, doctor.

I'm perfectly calm, Merrick, I'm calm as I am.

- I'm gonna bash your face.. - No!

Daddy, I'm in love with him. And he loves me.

I'm sorry, you had to find out this way.

Why is it a secret?

I was afraid daddy might do something silly

like throw Richard out before the book was finished.

Richard.

I would've preferred smuts.

Daddy, I love Richard.

This isn't something that happened over night

on Catalina it's been going on a long time.

You Catalina her over the fall?

Of course.

What is this country coming to?

Doesn't anybody stay home anymore and..

...hang out a flag?

Look, ah, nobody's said it yet, so..

...let me be the first, congratulations.

The janitor said it first.

Daddy, if you don't stop this--

Easy, honey. Your father has every right to be upset.

After all, what am I?

I could answer that but there are ladies present.

- If this is the way it'll be. - He asked , I didn't.

Well, then let me answer it, he's my husband.

- 'Honey..' - And I'm his wife.

And if you somehow have this marriage annulled

it wont do any good because, I'll go live with him.

Is that a good enough answer?

Hey, Linda! Wait!

John, John, get her back.

Honey, listen.

I don't wanna talk about it, please.

Linda, Linda, come back.

Linda, we love you.

Linda, we-we even love Merrick, we love him.

You hear that? He loves me.

- Do you mean it? - I mean it, now stop the car.

Oh, daddy.

Daddy!

What have I said wrong now?

The gas paddle, it's stuck.

She was telling the truth.

Andy! get that heap outta here.

Yes, sir.

Man, I hope I don't do that on my drivers test.

Hey, wait for me.

John, no! John!

Hey, what are you doing? Bring that back. Hey!

- Aw! - Keep your feet up.

Get 'em down.

Where is she? We've lost her.

Get out of the way. Get out of the way.

She's behind us.

Linda, turn of the ignition.

What?

The ignition. Turn it off.

Hang on!

Good to know he has a firm grip on reality.

The key! Turn the key!

The key, well why didn't he say so.

'Daddy!'

Richard!

Are you hurt?

Okay, I'm okay.

- You okay? Okay. - Yes, I'm okay.

- Merrick, okay? - Oaky, you?

- Okay. - I guess everybody's okay.

Uncle, Harvey.

Madam, gentlemen..

Permit me to introduce the man you have just chosen

to head the psychiatric wing.

Don't say it. I resign.

To a happy, happy day. I mean it.

Thank you, daddy.

There's only one thing wrong.

A psychiatric wing.

It's a shame after you've worked so hard.

Oh, forget it, look at it this way..

I've not lost a psycho wing..

I've gained a psycho son.

- Daddy! - No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- Hello, is anybody home? - Harvey, come on in.

- We're celebrating. - Hi, uncle Harvey.

You should, you just got five new patients.

Five new ones? Who?

The board they refused to accept your resignation.

- Daddy! - What?

I took them back and read 'em the first two chapters

of your new book and they decided you were the man.

John, it's a miracle.

It certainly is, since I never sent it in the first place.

How'd I get it? Somebody put it on my desk.

I never sent it. Did you?

Not I.

- 'Linda?' - 'Uh-uh.'

Well, then who'd..

You?

I figured you had nothing to lose.

Oh, darling! Oh you're a genius.

Admit it now, isn't he an absolute genius?

Well, that's a matter of taste.

Anyway, here's to the genius and his bride.

- Merrick, I mean, uh, son. - Thank you. sir.

Just call me, daddy bear.

Linda kitten.

This is the first time you ever offered me a drink

Might as well you've done everything else.

- John! - Oh, sorry, just another joke.

Well, here's to us all.

Thank god our troubles are over.

Hi everybody. Hinkie and I are going up stairs to study .

The hell you are.

The Impossible years

For you not for me

The Impossible years

If you would only see

There ain't nothing you can do to change me

You don't have to rearrange me

Oh don't you understand