Original subtitles

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh.

I... I hope you'll forgive me.

I've lived next door for the last 22 years,

and there isn't a cooking odor

in the neighborhood that I don't know

and that doesn't leave me cold.

That is so deliciously new.

Well, that's because we just moved in.

We're still moving in as you can see.

Well, I'm delighted we're going to be neighbors.

I'm professor osmond...

Chemistry, physics, all that jazz.

How do you do? I'm Myra Sullivan.

My husband is going to teach modern ethics.

Oh, good.

May I ask what it is you're making?

Kreplach.

Would you like to come in and try some?

Oh, no.

Oh, come on, come on. Live dangerously.

Well, I... I did have a rather skimpy breakfast.

Kreplach... That isn't Irish, is it?

Irish?

Sullivan.

Oh. I was Myra Solomon before I married Leo Sullivan.

That way I figured

I could keep my monogrammed linen.

Oh, that must be Leo.

Come on in and meet him.

He'll be with us in a minute.

Well, I always feel

that when moving into a new home,

the first person you ask in is Beethoven.

My husband Leo.

Professor osmond of the science department

and also our next-door neighbor.

Can we forget the "professor"?

I answer to the name of Charles.

Well, Charles,

what sort of college is custer, really?

Well, don't think I'm a chauvinist,

but you take any coeducational college

on the west coast,

and I'll bet custer has a higher scholastic standing,

a better basketball team,

and a lower incidence of pregnancy.

Of course, I've never taught anyplace

other than custer.

Let's face it.

Basketball has put custer on the map.

When you're on the map,

you get large alumni contributions

which, in turn, build my research lab.

"The spirit of custer."

I've never been able to think of a proper comment

on that statue.

Of course, if I were that pigeon...

Oh!

Oh!

Look out.

That science should depend

upon a silly, inflated leather ball.

I find that idea so... Look out!

Look out!

Aah!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Professor osmond! This is lucky.

I was just on my way to see you.

Well, congratulations

on your stroke of good fortune.

Are you hurt, professor Sullivan?

Professor Sullivan. Are you professor Sullivan?

Don't tell me you were on your way

to see me, too.

Things couldn't have worked out better.

If you gentlemen will just come over here and sit down,

we can do the whole thing alfresco.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Now...

You see, I'm June Ryder.

I just transferred from valley junior college,

and I'm majoring in home economics.

Really?

My guess would have been 6-day bicycle racing.

Ha ha ha.

Was it that funny?

Of course not. I'm buttering him up.

All right now, gentlemen, let's get to the point.

Now, I have room for one elective.

Question... shall it be chemistry 1, professor osmond,

or modern ethical theory, professor Sullivan?

You mean, professor Sullivan and I

have to compete for you?

Well, I can only take one of the courses.

Miss Ryder, may I ask

why you narrowed your choice to our subjects?

Oh, simple... ray blent.

What's a ray blent?

It's not a "what."

Ray blent is an all-American basketball player

and the most brilliant science student at custer.

I want to be in one of his classes.

I see.

Ray blent is your boyfriend.

Well, not yet.

That's the whole idea, fellas.

Miss Ryder, may I ask

why you transferred to custer?

Oh, certainly. Because for a girl, I'm tall.

I'll be getting along to my office.

I don't think I'm feeling too well.

No. We'll hear this out together.

Because you're tall.

Now please go ahead.

All right.

Basketball players flock to custer, don't they?

Yes.

They're usually tall, aren't they?

You mean to say

you actually came to this college...

For the same reason that every girl,

if she's honest with herself, comes to college...

To get married.

Oh, by the way, it's terribly, terribly important

that I sit next to ray in class.

Please remember that, okay?

Well, I've got a busy morning,

and I've got to get to the gym this afternoon.

The gym?

For exercise, or has it something to do

with the master plan?

Oh, I'm trying out for pompom girl.

What?

Oh, that's girl cheerleader,

and they wear very short skirts.

I have very pretty legs,

and ray blent isn't very likely to see my legs

in a classroom, is he?

Not in my classroom, he isn't.

Hey, come on, everybody, let's get going!

Hey, what's going on?

The Russians are coming!

The Russians are coming!

The Russians are coming?

The Russian basketball team is touring the country.

Evidently they're going to play custer.

Hooray! Hooray!

Which one is ray blent?

The darling one.

♪ Hail, custer, hail

♪ we sing your praises on high ♪

♪ we've got a team that's going all the way ♪

♪ today they're going to play

♪ fighting all the way

♪ go, go, go, go, custer, go

♪ for we all know you'll never fail ♪

♪ let's hear a great big yell

♪ we're going to ring their bell ♪

♪ come on and hail, custer, hail ♪

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent!

We want blent.

Come on, let's go over to president nagel's house!

Let's go!

♪ Hail, custer, hail

♪ we sing your praises on high ♪

♪ we've got a team that's going all the way ♪

♪ today they're going to play, fighting all the way ♪

♪ go, go, go, go, custer, go

♪ for we all know you'll never fail ♪

♪ let's hear a great big yell

♪ we're going to ring their bell ♪

♪ come on and hail, custer, hail ♪

♪ let's hear a great big yell

♪ we're going to ring their bell ♪

♪ come on and hail, custer, hail ♪

Taxi!

Sorry, I'm off duty.

Ray. Ray blent.

Yeah, Joe.

You got a fare?

No.

Well, hustle down to the depot.

Can't make it, Joe. Basketball practice.

Pete's up ahead. He'll take over.

Okay.

There's a fare at the depot.

Got it.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Sorry, coach.

Okay, ray, snap it up.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Yes?

Your coat.

My... my coat?

Well, what about it?

Oh, you dropped it.

Oh.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, thank you.

You know, this is the...

The men's locker room.

It is?

Could I have my shoe?

If it's all right with you, it's all right with me.

Oh!

Ha ha ha.

1, 2. 1, 2, 3, 4.

Well, as coach, how do you feel

about custer being tapped to play the Russians?

Very proud

and, uh, very humble.

This should sew things up at Michigan state.

What do you mean?

Everybody knows you've been playing footsie

with Michigan state.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Could I...

Oh, I'm sorry.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

He's not such a big son of a gun.

What makes him so great?

He throws all those baskets scientifically.

You know he's majoring in science, this boy.

Scientifically?

1, 2, 3, 4.

Hey, ray, over here on the double.

1, 2, 3, 4.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Ooh!

Are you all right, ray? Are you okay?

I'm all right, coach.

This boy means more to me than my own son.

Oh, I'm sure of it.

Your son doesn't average 28 points a game.

Okay, ray, over here.

I'm sorry.

Sandy here was telling me that you've got

a scientific approach to shooting baskets.

My readers would like to hear about that.

Well, it's, uh...

It's just a system

which involves a combination

of the ratio of the energy

of the throw

to the incidence of concussion

against a backboard.

Don.

Don, give me the ball, will you?

The wheels are turning.

Well, first class of the new semester.

She taking my course or yours?

I'll meet you at the cafeteria

before the 10:00.

If you get her, I'll buy the coffee.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I know it's anticlimactic

to bring up the subject of chemistry

after you've been discussing the big game,

but I'm afraid we'll have to do it.

Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry. Am I late?

Either that or the rest of us are a little early.

Yes, maybe that's it.

With your permission,

could I arrange the seating?

First row...

Adams, Atherton, Barnes...

Billings...

The alphabetical arrangement is old hat, isn't it?

Let's just take potluck, shall we?

Kennedy, larabie, blent,

uh...

Ryder.

Ryder.

In the third row...

Schwartz, Vogel...

June Ryder.

West, and Phillips.

You don't... You didn't strike me

as the type of girl

who'd be interested in chemistry...

Or modern ethics.

But... but...

But you said you had only one elective,

and I thought it was chemistry.

Oh, I was so impressed

with both professor osmond and you,

I talked the Dean into letting me take both.

Well, uh,

well, good luck to you, miss Ryder,

in all your activities.

It must have slipped out of my bag.

What is it?

Just a list of books

I'm going to pick up at the library.

"Spengler, decline of the west,

"Darwin, origin of species,

"John Dewey, individualism old and new,

and the basic writings of Sigmund Freud"?

I didn't know you were taking all these courses.

Oh, I'm not.

I couldn't work them in, but why should that stop me

from satisfying my intellectual curiosity?

Isn't there anything in the world

you're not interested in?

Why do you think I came to college?

Should we continue the experiment?

Oh, yeah.

Now, uh, you're sure

that you've mixed the proper proportions

of acid and oxidizing agent?

Oh, yes.

This is your campus reporter from the college station kcus

with the 5:00 edition of the news.

Well, we don't have to worry about ray blent.

The word from the infirmary is that ray suffered

only minor burns as a result of that chem lab explosion.

Ray will definitely play against Cornwell tonight.

How does the custer-Russian game shape up?

In the last month, custer has won eight more games,

while the sputniks have downed six American opponents.

Hello, Myra.

Hello, Charles.

Where's Leo?

Upstairs reasoning with Albert

about something naughty Albert has done.

He'll be down as soon as Albert forgives him.

We have time for a snort?

I got a batch of martinis all shook up.

Gin or vodka?

Gin.

I have great admiration for your character, Myra.

With the Russian game just a week away,

nobody in town's drinking anything but vodka.

How are you, Leo?

Hello, Charles.

Myra, I hope those martinis are strong.

What's the matter, Leo?

Were you out reasoned by your son?

Not out reasoned. Out talked.

If it weren't for the minor fact

that he is part Jewish,

Albert would have made a great jesuit.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello. I'm June Ryder, your baby sitter.

Come in.

Oh, hello, professor Sullivan.

Professor osmond, nice to see you.

Hello, miss Ryder.

Oh, you're the June Ryder, the one who's after...

Ray blent?

Honestly, Mrs. Sullivan, I don't care

who knows about it as long as ray blent doesn't.

How is it, miss Ryder,

that out of the thousands of girls

registered for baby-sitting, we drew you?

I don't know. You're just lucky, I guess.

Tell me, June, how are you doing with ray?

Figure it out for yourself.

He drove me here.

Good evening, professor Sullivan,

professor osmond.

Hi, ray.

Myra, I don't believe you've met ray blent.

Ray blent.

Well, this is a real pleasure.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Mrs. Sullivan, I hope you don't mind.

I asked ray to keep me company

while I baby-sitted.

Mind? Of course not.

Myra, why don't you ask the young man

to have a Martini?

Oh, I'd like one,

but not until after the game with the Russians.

Well, I'm afraid they'd be a little watery by then.

Leo, don't you think we should get going?

Oh, professor osmond, you'll be glad to know

that Ray's promised to help me

with my chemistry tonight.

Frankly, I'm delighted.

Just as a guide to ray,

where would you say I was weakest?

I'd start on page one, ray.

That's what I like about June...

Her eagerness to learn,

not like most girls

that come to college just to get married.

We'll be at Mike's if we're needed.

The twins are already asleep,

but in about, oh, say 20 minutes,

I wish you'd get the others ready for bed.

Don't you worry. We'll get them to bed.

Well, you have my very best wishes.

Hi, uncle Charles.

Hai! Hai!

This is June Ryder.

She's going to take care of you tonight.

Come say hello.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You're pretty.

Cherish those words.

They're probably the last civil ones you'll hear tonight.

Ray blent!

Fellers, it's ray blent!

Gotcha dribbling too close.

See? I got it away from you.

What's ray blent doing in this house?

We're not worthy.

Worthy or not,

he's going to help June look after you.

Gee-whiz!

Ray blent baby-sitting for us!

Wait till I tell the gang at school.

Albert Solomon Sullivan.

And now a word from our sponsor.

You are not to give miss Ryder

or Mr. Blent any trouble.

Student taxi service?

Would you send a taxi to 404 welton?

Thank you.

I just called for a...

Ray? Ray?

Blent?

Yeah, Joe.

Pick up a party at 404 welton.

Okay, Joe, got it.

That's the custer college student taxi service for you.

Look out, kids.

All right, goodbye, darlings.

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

Yes, well, just because he's a scholar

doesn't necessarily mean he's stupid.

He'll wake up soon to what that girl is doing,

and when he does...

Leo, why don't you tell him and stop the suspense?

Yes, it's all right for you to joke about it, Myra.

It isn't your classroom

she's using as a matrimonial agency.

And as if that isn't bad enough,

she's now extending her field of operations to my home.

Myra, I am a professor of ethics, not a madam.

Leo, simmer down and have a drink.

Come on, it will do you good.

Myra, you know my rule.

Leo thinks drinking in front of the students

sets a bad example.

I used to think so, too,

then the students set me a bad example.

How's the scallopini marsala, Mr. Osmond?

Mike, I couldn't have done it better myself.

If he ever invites you to his house for dinner, go.

Any time he wants a job as a chef,

I got one for him.

Chefs make more money than professors.

Everybody makes more money than professors.

Speaking of money, Mike,

what are the odds on the game?

How do I know?

I don't make book.

It's against the law.

Oh, and you never did anything against the law, did you?

On my word as an ex-bootlegger.

Ha ha.

I should think in a place like this

you'd hear some talk on how the smart money is going.

You know, good food, flashy dames,

and smart money always go together.

Well, the Russians have been cleaning up.

The smart money's on them.

But every paper says that custer is the favorite.

See if you can place 10 bucks on custer for me.

Mr. Osmond, you're a friend of mine.

There's lots of people who make it their business

to see that favorites don't always win.

They can do anything they want,

but they can't beat ray blent.

Make it 15 bucks.

Okay, Mr. Osmond,

but don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, dear.

I have a proposition.

If I can stay up for another half an hour

to watch television...

Listen,

you come down those stairs just one more time...

I pity the children you're going to have.

June?

Oh.

Oh.

You know,

a child like Albert makes you stop and think.

Think about what?

Well, for one thing,

about not having a child like Albert.

Well, how could you ever be sure?

I mean, isn't having children

sort of like taking potluck?

Oh, no.

No, it can all be worked out scientifically.

For instance,

if you wanted to have a blond blue-eyed child,

it would be the simplest thing in the world.

Do you know what it would involve?

Yes, I have a pretty good idea what it would involve.

You would simply have to mate with a blond blue-eyed man,

that's all.

Wouldn't I have to marry him first?

Well, morally you would,

but scientifically, it's not important.

Genetically, it's impossible

for two blond blue-eyed people

to beget any other kind of children.

"Beget."

Isn't that a sweet word for it?

It's biblical.

Ray?

You know so much about these things.

If I...

Begat with a black-haired brown-eyed man...

Yeah?

What could I expect?

In the way of children, I mean.

Well, scientifically, any combination of hair

and eye color would be possible.

There would always be the element of surprise?

Sure.

Good.

I know how caught up you are in chemistry,

but I think you're showing

a real flair for genetics, too.

Believe me, it's a...

It's a fascinating subject.

You know, it only all started

about a hundred years ago when a monk named mendel

methodically recorded the results of the matings

of common garden peas.

And 50 years later,

a professor Morgan carefully watched

and checked the union

of every variety of fruit fly.

I think that's horrible!

I mean, even a fruit fly's got the right

to some privacy.

How would you like it if someone watched you

under a microscope while you were making love?

Oh...

Oh, well...

Ha ha.

I don't... I don't think I'd like it,

but now... now if it served a scientific purpose,

you know, um...

I think I'd be willing to, uh...

I'd try.

Say...

How did I get started on this subject, anyway?

I remember reading about elephants once.

Yeah?

Did you know that elephants only mate

once every seven years?

Sure.

But there are some

that manage once every six years.

Nymphomaniacs.

Of course, you run into all kinds of,

you know, anthropological anomalies.

Now you... you just take the field of kissing,

for instance.

Yes, let's do that.

Uh, to... To the Japanese,

the height of passion is expressed

by a kiss on the back of the neck.

Now... we wouldn't find that very exciting,

would we?

Still, they have a high birthrate.

Yes, they do, and climbing all the time.

Ray?

Yeah?

Would you mind very much if...

If we had a sort of laboratory experiment?

What do you mean?

Well, if you would kind of experimentally kiss

the back of my neck...

Perhaps we could understand

what motivates the Japanese.

Well...

I'll say this.

It tastes good.

Soap, water,

and my roommate's perfume.

What was your...

Personal reaction?

I feel I need...

A basis of comparison.

With what?

With our American custom of...

Kissing on the lips.

Well, if it's for scientific research,

I-I don't see how I can refuse.

What do you think?

I think the Japanese are getting shortchanged.

Ray, that's all.

Ray, this was just our first kiss.

We're not married. We're not even engaged.

We have to start out by being friends.

All right, we're friends.

Oh, we can be better friends than that.

This is the deal.

I watch this program,

then "gun smoke," then "Cheyenne,"

then I go quietly to bed,

and wild horses won't drag from me

the sights and sounds I heard in this room tonight.

♪ Cuddle up a little closer

♪ lovey mine

♪ cuddle up and be my little

♪ clinging vine

♪ like to feel your cheek...

It's all right. They're married.

You have to be to live here.

♪ Like to make you comfy, cozy ♪

♪ 'cause I love from head to toesie ♪

♪ lovey mine

♪ cuddle up a little closer

♪ lovey mine

♪ cuddle up and be my little

♪ clinging vine

♪ like to feel your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ like to make you comfy, cozy ♪

♪ 'cause I love from head to toesie ♪

♪ lovey mine

♪ cuddle up a little closer

♪ lovey mine...

You sure your friends are awake?

Oh, they're night owls.

♪ And be my little...

Here it is.

They'll give us a cup of coffee.

I don't want you spending your money at the diner.

Freddie! Frieda!

I hope they're home.

Freddie!

Yeah?

Freddie, it's me... Junie Ryder.

Oh, uh, just a couple seconds, huh?

They probably were studying.

Most likely.

Junie, for heaven's sake,

do you happen to know what time it is?

Ray blent. This is an honor. Come in.

This is the biggest thing that's happened to me

since I've been on this campus. I've been here six years.

Hello, fried a.

Oh, gee, these trailers weren't made

for basketball players.

Are you hurt?

No, no. It's just a glancing blow.

Yeah, I just about fit in myself.

It's lucky I'm all male.

I'd never make it in high heels.

Ha!

I'm Fred Jansen,

and this lovely creature over here

in last year's negligee is my wife fried a.

Hi.

Hello, Mrs. Jansen.

Hi, fried a.

Oh, sit down.

We can't have our star developing

curvature of the spine before the big game.

Thanks. Boy, what a miracle of engineering

has gone into this place.

Not one inch of wasted space, huh?

You have got togetherness in here

whether you like it or not.

We thought maybe you'd have some coffee on the stove.

Oh, it'll just take a minute.

Are you all set for exam week?

For exams?

Didn't you hear?

Freddie's father had to have an operation,

and we've got to leave college

to run the business.

Freddie's got to go to work,

and he's only 24.

And believe it or not,

I had a pretty good chance to graduate this year, too.

That's a tough break, fried a.

First thing I've got to do is sell this trailer.

You don't happen to know of any young married couple

that's looking for a place to live, do you?

Do you?

Um...

Hmm...

Freddie, while I get the cups out,

why don't you give junie and ray a guided tour?

Honey, I don't think ray would be interested.

Oh, I would, in case I hear of one.

Well, all right.

Watch your...

Oh...

It's... it's... no, it's in the same place.

Ha ha ha. There's no new injury.

One giant step takes us into the bedroom.

Oh!

Oh, that happens to fried a and me all the time,

but with the right attitude, that could be a lot of fun.

Freddie!

I admit it's pretty close quarters,

but then you'll have to admit that it's a lot better

than the back of a car, isn't it?

I was just speaking rhetorically, of course.

Oh, the bed... again here, appearances are deceiving.

There's plenty of room in here

for a man with a new wife.

Can you really take a shower in that?

Sure. Two people can get in there comfortably.

Two?

Listen, if 27 students can get into 1 phone booth,

two people can get into that shower.

It's a big help, of course, if they're married.

Frieda, don't you and I

take showers together all the time?

Shut up, honey.

Sometimes we even turn the water on.

It's a joke.

Go on. Step in. See how roomy it really is.

Oh, uh, okay.

Watch the noz...

Ooh!

It's okay. I'm getting used to it.

Well, go on, June. Step in with him.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on. You're among friends.

Go on. Step in.

See, I told you it could be done.

Oh, let me point out

another feature about that shower.

By holding your elbows into your ribs,

and with a very vigorous wrist action,

it's perfectly possibly for you to scrub junie's back.

Yeah?

I offer as evidence my wife frieda's back.

It's the cleanest back in town.

Hey, fried a, come on in here and show them your back.

No. We believe you.

Oh, one more thing.

If folks have been fighting,

and that's been known to happen,

I defy any couple to stay mad very long

while under that shower.

Isn't that right, honey?

Shut up and get the cups and saucers

out of the cupboard on the double.

You see? She is just trying to provoke a quarrel with me

so she can make up under the shower.

Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Wait a minute.

June...

I hesitate to introduce this subject

because I know you came to college

just to get an education.

What did you start to say?

Oh, nothing.

I wouldn't want to interrupt your train of thought.

Well, it's not a... It's not...

It's not exactly a train of thought.

Um, well, well, you know,

the quality that I admire about you most

is your honest zeal for learning.

It's almost a passion.

Almost.

So don't you think our friendship period

has lasted long enough?

Oh, it seemed like it's lasted for years.

Don't you think we could progress

to the next stage of our relationship?

Like what?

Like a reasonably long engagement.

Oh!

Coffee's on.

Oh...

Brad.

Yeah?

You still want to sell your trailer?

Well, sure.

I'll buy it. We're getting married.

We're getting married right away... tonight maybe.

How soon can you move out?

What? You're going to get married before the game?

What difference does that make?

From the state you're in, I'd say about 20 points.

Oh, shut up. Coffee's ready. We'll celebrate.

You're so wise not bothering with engagements.

This is a great break. The trailer is sold.

We'll be able to leave right after the game on Friday.

Dad is going to flip.

Am I glad it's settled.

Now, how much do you want for it?

Well, I'll tell you ray. We're asking $1,250,

but for you, ray blent,

we're practically going to make it a wedding present...

$1,200 even.

Fred, we'll never forget you for this.

Now, I'll give you a down payment of $150

the first thing tomorrow morning.

Wonderful. Then get the rest to me

before we leave on Friday.

Well, I'm pretty sure

I know where I can borrow another $50.

Ray, up until 4:00 this afternoon,

I was a college student...

Happy go lucky, give you the shirt off of my back,

but I'm a businessman now, ray.

It's a whole new setup. Businessmen want cash.

Ray, I don't have to get married right away.

Well, I do.

Look, I know I'm a lousy host and stuff,

but, gee, I've got a lot of things to do in the morning.

So good luck to you two swell kids.

It's going to work out. Come on, honey.

It's your turn to scrub my back.

See you in English lit., fried a.

Joe...

I'm back at the stands. Should I turn in now?

Joe?

I guess he went out for coffee.

I think my uncle's going to give me

a check when I graduate.

I have a feeling it's going to be something like $1,000.

Gosh, I wish I had the nerve to hit him for it now.

I've got an aunt that's loaded.

Yeah, but if I asked her for a nickel,

my mother'd kill me.

She's my father's sister.

Well, I guess I've got to go in.

At least I can kiss you.

Make it a good one.

It's going to have to last me until a year from June.

What's wrong?

It just occurred to me...

We're almost as bad off as those elephants!

All right.

It sounded to me like you could use some dough.

You said it.

What's that, Joe?

Uh, the way you two was talking,

I figured you could use some dough.

You're not Joe.

Hey, what is this? Where are you talking from?

Uh, never mind. I'm on your wavelength.

Look in the glove compartment.

What are you talking about?

Look in it, ray.

Don't bother counting.

There's 1,500 smackers there,

and it's all yours, ray,

because you're going to see to it

that the Russians win that game, ain't you, ray?

I'm going to what?

You're not going to play your best game, ray.

You're going to give the Russians a few breaks

so they'll win, and when it's all over,

there will be 2,500 bucks more,

and all for you, ray, and nobody will ever know.

Uh, what do you say, ray?

I say it's a good thing you're not here,

or I'd punch you right in the nose.

Ray, it's 4,000 bucks,

and it's only a game.

Suppose the Russians do win.

You'd be doing something for international relations.

The hell with you, mister. I don't want this money.

I refuse it. I ref...

You got it, ray, right in your hand.

We're in business, ray.

Good night... Partner.

I... I don't want th... I... I don't want it.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, listen!

Hey!

Ray, what happened to you in chemistry this morning?

Something happened to me in chemistry?

You didn't show up.

I didn't?

Did you oversleep?

No.

I was phoning my uncle.

Did you phone him about the money?

Good morning.

Good morning.

It was about the trailer.

He's wiring me the money today.

He is? Oh, I can't believe it!

Oh, darling, I'm so happy.

Ray, what's the matter?

You don't look excited at all.

You look depressed.

Depressed?

Are you kidding?

Ha ha ha.

I feel just great!

Ha ha ha.

If there are no objections,

we'll proceed with the midterm examination.

That attitude will get you nowhere.

My aim is the same as that of socrates

who said that even in Hades,

he proposed to find out who is wise

and who pretends to be wise and is not.

Nervous laughter, but better than none.

Miss caruthers and Mr. Blent,

as number one and number two in the class,

will you please assist me in passing out the papers?

Mr. Blent.

Ray, he's talking to you.

Yes, coach?

Thank you for the promotion.

Would you mind helping me pass out the papers?

You take that side of the room,

and you take the other.

Mr. Blent!

Would you mind telling me where you are going?

I'm sorry, sir. I'm...

I'm a little unconscious this morning.

I tell you I saw it with my own eyes!

The grades are posted on the bulletin board.

I still don't believe it.

I didn't believe it, either,

so I went to professor Sullivan myself.

Now, you know an ethics professor doesn't lie.

Ray flunked the examination, I tell you.

He flunked it.

How about this, ray?

Well...

I guess it's true if June says so.

But you're an honors student.

I guess I was just stale or something.

Well, you picked a fine time to get stupid!

How could you do this to me?

What's the big beef?

He just flunked an exam.

Just flunked an exam?

He just flunked an exam!

At this school, that means he's ineligible.

That means ray blent cannot play against the Russians.

You know what that means to custer,

to this whole country?

Why, this might even cost me that job at Michigan state!

Don't print that.

Don't worry, ray. We're not licked yet.

There are pressures that can be put

on Mr. Professor Sullivan.

You'll play if I have to go right up to the president,

and I don't mean the president of this jerk college.

I mean the president of the United States!

Osmond, we've been waiting for you.

Me? What have I done?

Nagel says you're the only one

who has any influence on this goon Sullivan.

What are you talking about, Hardy?

Hey, coach.

Now look here, Sullivan...

Just one moment, please.

Hello, Charles. Did you have a good day?

A full day,

but not as full as yours seems to have been.

Yes, yes, it's been quite a day,

and, evidently, it's not over yet,

and what can I do for you, sir?

I'm Hardy.

Is that your name or physical condition?

I'm coach Hardy... Basketball!

Leo Sullivan, modern ethics.

I know who you are... The guy who flunked ray blent.

What?

That's true.

Only I would reword it to the extent

that ray blent did the flunking.

He failed my examination.

Sir, you can give him a makeup exam.

The president told us you could.

You're Wyman, aren't you?

I flunked you, too, didn't I?

Yes, sir.

Then why shouldn't I give you a makeup exam, too?

Because he's a lousy player!

Right.

And now if you'll all excuse me.

Ray blent you had to flunk.

This is worse than flunking

the trustee's daughter at Illinois,

the one who got even

by running away with the truck driver.

Well, who knows?

They may be very happy.

I hope so because I'm not.

Are you against me, too?

I certainly am.

Then I stand alone.

What's that?

♪ Oh, oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ Sullivan's got to go

a bonfire.

A bonfire? On such a warm evening?

It's liable to get much warmer.

They're burning you in effigy.

What?

♪ He flunked ray blent

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ Sullivan's got to go

♪ he flunked ray blent

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ Sullivan's got...

"Despite all pleas and pressure,

"professor Sullivan remains adamant,

"and ray blent will sit on the bench

"when the custer quintet

takes on the Russian sputniks."

Hello.

How do you do?

Good to meet you.

Here's where we'll be playing tonight.

Tell them to put their stuff in the locker room.

We have a wonderful dinner prepared for them,

and we're looking forward

to giving them a great game tonight,

even though, thanks to some silly rules

we have around here, we won't be at full strength.

Ah, here we are.

Hello, Charles.

Oh. Ha ha ha. Oh, thank heaven.

Thank heaven you asked us for dinner, Charles.

For 24 hours,

I haven't dared step out of my own house.

I'm stir-crazy, too.

You see, we're living in a house divided.

Well, I thought you'd appreciate a quiet dinner,

a few drinks before the game.

Sit down.

Oh, Charles.

Today you have taught me the meaning of friendship.

Oh, what a civilized man you are, Charles.

Do you realize that you and president nagel

are the only two people in this community

who haven't tried to put pressure on me?

Now who can that be?

Come in.

Ah, president nagel. Come in, harm on.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood,

and thinking to myself, "this is the cocktail hour,"

I thought I... Oh, how do you do?

You know professor Sullivan

and Mrs. Sullivan.

Not as well as I'd like to.

Thank you.

This is a pleasure.

Well, as long as it's a pleasure

and not a coincidence.

A coinci... Oh, I see.

You think I wanted to talk to you

about that wretched blent business.

Well, sir, everybody else has.

Oh, no, no. That is entirely your affair.

Thank you, Charles.

Hello, Joe?

Okay.

Uh, say, this is ray again.

Listen, I know you're going to think I'm crazy,

sending you out of the office all the time like this,

but... but, um, this time I think I've lost...

My locker room key. Yeah.

Well, uh, I think I may have dropped it over there

by the, uh, by the cabstand.

Oh, ray.

You suppose you could go over

and take a careful look around for me?

Okay, but this is the last time.

Thanks a lot, Joe.

Hello, you. This is ray blent.

Listen, I've got to see you.

I've got to give you back this money.

You and I don't have any deal.

I've seen to that.

I'm not even going to play in the game.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Listen to me!

Well, I must be getting along.

Thank you for the drink, Charles.

Incidentally, some people are dropping over to my house

tonight after the game.

Why don't you come along, Charles,

with the sullivans?

Oh, we'd love to.

Goodbye.

And I just want to say to you, professor Sullivan,

that you were perfectly within your competence

in flunking the boy if he wrote a bad exam.

I can't entirely agree with so many people

who say there are plenty of precedents

for your giving him a makeup exam.

I can't entirely agree with them.

Thank you for not putting pressure on me.

Oh, I could never bring myself to do that.

Good night, Mrs. Sullivan.

If I should just happen to be passing by again,

have you a cocktail hour, too?

Right after the children's hour.

That's the time

we can really use a drink.

Ha ha.

Well, thanks for dropping in.

No wonder you're president, you son of a...

Charles.

So, he just happened to be in the neighborhood, eh?

And oh, how surprised you were,

my civilized friend, to see him.

All right, Charles.

What's your next move?

Hors d'oeuvres, anybody?

Well, Charles,

I didn't know you needed a baby sitter, too.

Oh, didn't you know?

I'm a home economics major.

We often help out in the kitchen.

Oh, yes.

Sort of, uh, required lab work.

As a matter of fact,

June and Connie prepared a special dinner for you...

Borscht, blintzes, crepe lac, chopped chicken livers.

And gefilte fish.

Everything that Myra's mother used to make.

Ohh.

Mmm.

And why all this fuss just to please my palate?

Leo...

Now it all comes together.

You were going to make a pitch, too, weren't you?

And you brought an army of women to help you.

You thought you'd soften me up with gefilte fish,

beat me down with blintzes.

Now, Leo...

They gave socrates hemlock, and you offer me borscht.

Well, it won't work, Charles. No pressure will.

Leo, I want my research lab.

If ray blent doesn't play tonight,

I may never get it.

President nagel says

the alumni have given him an ultimatum.

Professor Sullivan!

Professor Sullivan!

Ray, he's in here!

Professor Sullivan!

Here it is. Look at it.

Feast your eyes on this, professor Sullivan.

$100, $200, $300...

Young man, have you gone out of your mind?

Trying to bribe me, a teacher of ethics?

Ray, you can't do that.

That's your uncle's money for the trailer.

It's money they gave me to throw the game.

$400, $500, $600...

I wanted to give the money back,

but I didn't know who to give it to.

After all, it was just a disembodied voice

over the shortwave.

Now, listen.

I've never stolen anything so much as a postage stamp before.

But all of a sudden,

I-I found myself needing a great deal of money

for the most important step in my entire life.

Oh, ray.

For a few days,

I-I actually considered playing a lousy game.

Me... ray blent, all-American,

student of professor Sullivan.

Oh, well, then I knew I couldn't go through with it.

Good for you.

It wasn't good at all.

I made a terrible mistake.

I figured if I flunked an exam, it would make me ineligible.

The whole matter would be out of my hands.

They couldn't expect me

to throw a game I wasn't playing in, could they?

So I deliberately flunked your exam.

Intentionally?

Why did you pick

my husband's course to flunk?

Why... why not, for example,

professor osmond's?

Because I was afraid he'd pass me just to give me a break.

I chose professor Sullivan's exam,

because I know he wouldn't even give Abraham Lincoln a break.

You are wrong about professor Sullivan.

I am sure he would have had consideration

for Abraham Lincoln.

Not if he turned in a bad paper.

But you're such a brilliant student.

I would have thought subconsciously,

you would have put down the right answers.

I was afraid of that.

So just to be sure,

I copied from June's paper.

Oh, ray, I'm so happy I could be of help to you.

Ray, you have made academic history.

You didn't merely flunk an exam,

you had to cheat to do it.

I think we should drink a toast

to Ray's ingenious solution to his problem.

Solution?

Don't go celebrating.

Now I've got an even worse problem...

More money.

$2,500. They just left it in the glove compartment.

They figure I flunked the exam so they could win their bets.

I've got to play so I can prove I'm not a crook.

$4,000. A year's salary.

In the name of everything that's decent,

please give me a makeup exam, and damn quick.

Oh, yes.

An oral exam.

There's a basic morality involved here.

Don't say you're going to refuse.

Talk to him, Mrs. Sullivan.

Leo, someday Albert will be Ray's age.

Someday he may do something foolish, too.

Not the way I'm bringing him up.

Don't you realize, blent, this is our challenge?

This is where we can take

what we've learned in the classroom

and apply it to our real lives.

It's not talking ethics, it's living ethics.

So I'm not going to give you that exam.

Very well, sir. I understand.

I'm not going to play in the game.

But if custer loses,

I'm going to call in the newspapermen,

and I'm going to tell them everything.

I realize that I'll be kicked out of college,

and I'll be in disgrace throughout the country.

But it's the only way I have

of clearing myself with myself.

I've got to go lead cheers.

As if there's anything to cheer about.

Look, he left the money.

Blent! Blent, come back here.

He doesn't want that money.

Then I know what I've got to do.

What? What?

Return this money to the police.

And have him hailed into court, too?

That's right.

Where are you going?

I'm going to return this money before the game,

before that boy is branded for life.

But who are you going to return the money to?

According to Charles,

smart money likes flashy women and good food.

Whoever it is, they'll know at Mike's.

I better go with him, Myra.

Gamblers don't understand mad philosophers.

I'll see you at the game.

♪ The land of the free

♪ and the home of the brave

Ohh!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Dell's going to drive,

and a hook shot from the left, and it's good.

Is it too late to put a little something on custer?

Shh. Men from the D.A.'s office.

They're spotted all over town.

Adams on now over to Simpson.

The shot is blocked by niklov.

It's a fast break down to dilbury.

Belski in the middle Lane, vonyut up for the score. 6-2.

Sputniks taking a nice lead at the start of this ballgame.

Look at those two faces over there.

Coach androv moving up off the bench.

And we may have a substitute at this point.

Larceny written all over them.

If they didn't pay out the money,

they'll know who did.

Hello, there.

Pardon?

Go, go, man. Go!

Come on. Come on.

Aww.

Time out for custer.

Time is in again.

District attorney Davis

wanted on the phone in training room.

June. June.

Here you are, sir.

Hello?

Yes?

Where?

Good for you.

No, no. I can't leave this game.

I'll be here...

I'll be here in the training room.

Ohh.

Right.

Aww.

There's the gun that ends the first half,

with the sputniks leading 41-33.

We'll get them in the second half!

I quit! You fellows are doing okay.

Those Russians are damn good. We need ray, that's all.

Couldn't president nagel give me the makeup exam?

Only that egghead Sullivan can perform the ceremony.

Ethics or something.

No, your father's not here. That's why I'm calling you.

I'd love to work in a college where there wasn't any faculty.

They waste so much time around here on education.

No wonder this younger generation's so mixed up.

Mrs. Sullivan, what are you doing here?

Has your husband changed his mind?

No, I was just...

All right, bring those bums in.

Leo!

Somebody's going to have to answer for this.

Are these the two hoods you called me about?

Yes, sir. That little punk resisted arrest.

He took a poke at me.

That's right. And here's another.

Leo!

Ha ha ha.

Great work, gentlemen. Congratulations.

You've arrested

two of the most distinguished professors of this college.

They may be distinguished professors,

but they've got a little racket on the side.

They flashed a wad of bills at me

that would have choked a horse.

Why, you cossack. You storm trooper.

Snapping handcuffs on me

before I had a chance to explain.

You didn't have to explain.

If I ever saw a guilty face in 25 years, it's yours.

Have things reached a state in this country

where a man's face can get him arrested?

Yours can.

Ha ha ha.

All right, that's enough. Take the cuffs off these men.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What makes you so sure that professor Sullivan

doesn't make a little book on the side?

June.

Well, where there's smoke, there's fire.

And what about those bills?

Where did he get all those bills?

Mr. Davis, may I have a word with you?

Why, you young jezebel!

If you hit that girl,

it's the end of our friendship.

I've got to hit somebody!

Yay!

All right, bud. You're in for it now.

Hitting an officer of the law

is a worse offense than making book.

Give it to him, officer. He deserves it.

I hope you get 20 years.

Professor Sullivan,

I have a proposition for you.

You give ray blent an oral makeup exam

right now, and you'll be released.

Otherwise, I'll have to take the word of these officers

that you resisted arrest,

and we'll take the case up in the morning.

Why, this is a mockery.

I've done nothing wrong.

Sir...

You gave the appearance of doing something wrong,

just as ray gave the appearance

of doing something wrong.

This is blackmail.

Well, until we can find a better name for it,

let's call it blackmail.

Myra. My own wife.

The mother of my children.

You said "for better or for worse."

But I didn't think it was going to be this worse.

Hey, coach! The Russians are warming up already.

All right, well, then get on out there.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Now listen to me, egghead.

Don't call him egghead.

But he's right, Leo.

Leo, you are a snob.

I am a what?

You are an ethical snob.

You don't mean...

You are a miserable ethical snob.

All right, that's enough!

That's enough, do you hear me?

Shut up! Shut up!

Will you leave him alone, coach?

You leave him alone.

I won't have a man of professor Sullivan's stature

badgered and bullied around like this, and because of me.

Professor Sullivan just happens to be

one of the outstanding scholars of this or any other country.

You could search the world and never find another like him.

He's right.

Quiet.

He happens to believe in acting upon his principles,

and there are very few of those left.

I consider it an honor

to have known a man like professor Sullivan,

and I can think of nothing smarter or wiser that I can do

than try to pattern my life after his.

No!

For heaven's sake, don't...

Don't pattern your life after mine.

It's all right f-for Leo Sullivan

to be Leo Sullivan,

but ray blent's got to be ray blent.

What are you trying to be, huh?

Huh?

A miserable ethical snob?

Coach!

They're lining up for the second half!

I will not make the mistake socrates made

when he influenced young Plato...

Plato, schmato. Throw the kid some easy questions.

Easy?

He's going to get

the 10 stiffest questions I can think of.

Hurry up, will you? The second half's starting.

Don't be nervous, ray. I'm with you.

Get in there, kid. We're all with you.

Keep out of this, Hardy.

Blent?

Question number one...

Name the three moralists of the 18th century

who are representative of traditional ethical theory.

William Paley,

Jeremy Bentham,

and immanuel kant. Kant.

Correct.

One right.

Three right. He got all three of them.

One right.

Question number two...

How do the basic ethical theories of these men differ?

With Paley, it was the will of god.

With Bentham, it was the greatest good

for the greatest number.

And with kant, it was ... Kant...

It was the idea of what reason demands.

I'll accept that answer.

Two right.

Two right?

I don't know how you guys score.

In my book, that's six!

Question number three...

Question number three.

That makes the sputniks 50, custer, 36.

No, i-it isn't, uh, uh,

it isn't...

Coach, it's 52-36! Aren't you coming out?

In a minute.

You go get Ray's uniform, quick!

I know the answer.

I just don't remember it.

One wrong.

Come on. Come on.

Get your clothes off.

Question six...

Explain the categorical imperative.

Now?

Leo, not now.

Now.

Well, it goes something like this.

A person can tell the difference

between what's right and what's wrong.

And being right makes a demand on you,

while being wrong doesn't.

Ohh!

Which means that you ought to do what's right.

You're sort of under an obligation to do it.

A-A-And that's what makes it...

That's what makes it imperative.

Now, there can't be any argument about this,

and so that's why they call it categorical,

and that's why they call it the categorical imperative.

Okay, how about it?

Leo, immanuel kant himself

couldn't have done it any better.

I'll accept that answer.

Five right, one wrong.

Question seven.

Aren't your pants on backwards?

Yes, sir.

Right. Six right, one wrong.

What did he say?

He said, "throw him some easier questions."

He did?

Question nine...

What philosopher among the ancients

most closely parallels

the theories of immanuel kant?

The ancients.

The ancients?

Socrates, socrates,

socrates, socrates.

Soccer team.

Socrates.

All right, that does it!

Young lady, you get out of here this minute.

Professor Sullivan.

You didn't come to college to get an education.

You came to college to trap a man.

And what makes me so furious

is that I have been a party to it.

You've used me!

You've used poor old Charles here.

You used my wife and my children

and heaven knows who else and what else.

We've all been a part of your master plan

to snare this guileless,

helpless,

young schnook!

June, what's he talking about?

I said it in anger. I'm sorry.

All right, all right, finish it!

Blent, you have to get the next one right

or you flunk again.

Question 10...

Tell me all you know about socrates.

Oy vay!

I give up.

Socrates was a Greek.

Go on.

He asked people questions...

I'm waiting.

And they poisoned him.

Well, blent,

I'm afraid if that's all you have to say...

Just a minute, Leo.

That last answer you gave...

Is that all you know about socrates?

Yes, sir.

Congratulations! You've passed!

Wait a minute!

He answered your question.

He told you all he knew about socrates.

All right, you passed!

Oh! Oh!

Call time! Call time!

I'm going in.

It's blent...

Ray blent coming into the ballgame.

Blent for werns.

Ball thrown in from out of bounds,

and this is blent handling it,

driving in on a left-handed dribble and lays it up,

and it's good!

Blent intercepting once again

and driving with a right-hand shot,

and that's good, too!

Blent now in mid-court,

driving and taking his position under of the basket.

Blent on a driving lay-in from the left side

and rolls in... and good!

Custer now steadily cutting down

this margin on the visitors.

It's a behind-the-back maneuver by ray blent.

And now the right-hand dribble, sets up,

takes a left-handed shot from the front, and hits it!

Driving lay-in by ray blent.

Circles around and drops through!

Reception by dobris, now blent.

Blent over to adamson.

And a shot by Simpson hits.

Tip-in by ray blent. It's good. 2-hand tip-in!

Two more for the blue-and-gold.

Driving lay-in by adamson. It's good.

Behind-the-back dribble by ray blent,

defending his adversary belskiov.

Left-handed shot from the middle...

Seven footer... And it hits!

Blent! Blent! Blent!

There's only six seconds left to go in this ballgame.

Why doesn't he shoot?

Shoot, ray! He does, and it's a... bam! In!

And custer wins the ballgame, 81-80.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ which nobody can deny

I, uh, I'm inclined to agree with you.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Goodbye professor Sullivan, and thank you again.

I want to tell you

it was a pleasure meeting you.

You're a fine group of red-blooded...

Reds.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Leo, to everyone's surprise,

including mine,

you were a tremendous social success.

Well, I... I never knew I liked so many people

I didn't like.

Hello, Sandy, old boy.

Old fellow.

If you'll excuse me,

I want to talk to the district attorney.

Mission accomplished?

Yes. Your instructions were fully carried out, sire.

And, uh, Leo, I think we'd better be getting home.

Ha ha ha. I'll get your coat.

It's too bad miss Ryder isn't here.

There must be something I can do

to make it up to her.

Ray,

do you mind if I talk to you about something?

About what?

Oh, uh, about master plans in general.

You know, ray, I had a master plan, too.

That's how I got professor Sullivan.

And to this day, he doesn't know it.

Aren't you lucky you have a girl

who was strong enough to tell you?

It's on the fire.

Oh, good.

Good.

This isn't my coat, it's June's.

This is mine.

Leo, let's go.

Help me get him home, will you, before he...

I've spoken to the district attorney.

Oh, then you want the money.

His advice is that we forget the whole incident,

pretend that it never happened.

Yeah, but what about the $4,000?

Myra! Mrs. Sullivan!

Mrs. Sullivan, we're going to get married

as soon as we can afford a place to live.

Oh, no! I never would have guessed it!

Her coat.

I should think they could afford

a place to live, don't you?

I'm taking off my glasses.

I can't see what you're doing.

Get your coat.

Sandy, where are you going?

Oh, uh, Michigan state. Oh, now?

Home. Home.

Oh, Mrs. Sullivan.

Honey, let's go home.

I never really appreciated your husband until tonight.

And Mrs. Sullivan, I'll let you in on a little secret.

You're husband's going to be a full professor.

He's a full professor now.

Good night, Charles. Good night, Myra.

Good night, Leo. Sleep tight.

How else?

♪ For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪

And I am, too!

Oh, you are, you are!

♪ For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪

Thank you, professor.

♪ Which nobody can deny

ray, remember my rich aunt

I was telling you about?

Uh-huh.

How are ray and junie doing back there?

Well, something tells me that we didn't find

that justice of the peace a moment too soon.