Original subtitles

- All rise! - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,

and I know the inside of a courtroom.

Man, that girl is innocent!

You ain't the damn judge.

Get ready to see real cases.

I want you out of my house.

Real drama and real money on the line.

I gave her my kidney.

Give it back.

And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.

Lock her ass up!

Y'all may have started this mess,

but you know I'm gonna settle it.

Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.

You droppin' teeth.

MAN: See, that's my tooth.

You smokin' dope.

That was my asthma pump.

Y'all must have a good time together.

BOTH: We do.

All rise, because court is back in session.

You might as well keep your hands and feet

inside the courtroom at all times,

because it's about to be a crazy-ass ride.

All rise for Ms. Pat.

- MS. PAT: Hey, y'all. - Hey.

Y'all, sit down.

- Hey, jury. - Hey.

- How you doing Navv? - Blessed and highly favored.

- That's a lie. - [laughter]

All right, bailiff, get to baliff-ing, bailiff.

This is the case of Jackson versus Simone.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Jammie Jackson

is suing her friend and fellow comedian Coco

for $2,100, the amount she says Coco made

selling tickets that weren't hers to sell.

Defendant Coco Simone says Jammie must be joking.

She sold the ticket,

so she should get to keep the money.

Coco feels like she was set up,

but she won't be the punchline.

...tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

Before we get started, I just want to let you know

this is my jury and they funny-as-hell,

so if you laugh smart, you win big.

[laughter]

All right.

- So, Jammie? - Yes, ma'am.

- Coco? - Yes, ma'am.

All right, not one of y'all came to court

with y'all legal name, but okay.

Jammie, tell me why you're here today.

I am here, Your Honor, to sue Coco, right there,

for $2,100 because I put on a comedy showcase.

I specifically told Coco to sell ten tickets.

That's how she'll be paid for being on my comedy showcase.

Anything over ten tickets needs to come to me

because I have expenses.

I have to pay the DJ, I have to pay the security,

the host, the other comedians that's on the showcase.

That's why I only asked her specifically

- for ten tickets, okay? - Okay.

But she gonna go and sell out the whole doggone theater

and leave me with no money, Your Honor.

Therefore, I'm here to get my money.

I ain't get a dime, not even a penny

- with a hole in it, okay? - What's your side, Coco?

Ms. Your Honor Pat,

I don't know why she brought us here.

She's wasting the court's time.

Y'all need to hold her in contempt.

She said, "Sell ten tickets,

and that's how you get paid."

I sold the ten tickets.

After I sold them, I called her

and told her I sold the ten tickets.

- You know what she told me? - What?

"Go and sell it out, sis."

- She gave me instructions. - She a liar, everybody see it.

Don't cut me off, I was being nice.

- Now don't do that. - So let me ask you this.

How did you sell that many tickets?

I harassed my friends.

I was in people's DMs, I was calling people.

I was sending requests.

"Pay for these tickets right now today."

She stood on business, baby.

Ticket master Coco.

[laughter]

How many other comedians was on the show?

Three.

And they didn't sell nothing.

They ain't got that Coco in them.

They didn't have no tickets to sell.

Was that a physical ticket or whatever she sold?

- JAMMIE: Exactly. - Did she just get

cash app at the time?

She got cash app at the time.

It was not a physical ticket.

She was writing people's names down?

That's exactly what she did

and then turned it into the ticket box office manager.

That's how I found out.

I should have sold some tickets too.

COCO: I'm a hustler, I'm a hustler.

DERAY: I like you.

Let's do some business together.

I'm about to come up.

So she sold the ten tickets she was going to make.

The ticket was $35?

- JAMMIE: Yes, ma'am. - So $350, that's not bad.

Right. That's what I felt like.

The ten was to pay her for being on my showcase

that I worked hard to put together.

How much did you pay for the venue?

$2,100, Your Honor.

I paid out of my pocket.

Did you have a contract?

- Mm-mm. - Yes, I did.

I had a verbal contract with her.

I put it in text.

- You put it in text? - Yes, ma'am.

MS. PAT: Let me see it.

I got the contract, right here.

What contract?

The one that she did not give me

that's written in invisible ink

that ain't got nothing on it

because she didn't give me no contract.

You a liar. Your Honor,

I don't have it with me on text,

but I do got the invoice from the venue.

- MS. PAT: Let me see it. - I told her on text, ten...

She typed that up in the hotel last night.

[indistinct] ...on herself, Your Honor, in front of y'all.

That's why she reached back out after she sold the ten.

DERAY: Is that what you had to pay, right there,

- that was... - JAMMIE: Yes.

MS. PAT: This is all a come-up moment.

You sold her extra 60 tickets.

Why you didn't give her the money?

She didn't communicate that with me, Ms. Your Honor Pat.

She told me to sell the tickets.

She ain't never say give her the money.

MS. PAT: Let's-- stop.

Did you really feel in your heart over there

that that was your money?

Yeah, she told me to sell them.

She told you to sell ten.

- She was scalping. - [laughter]

Let me say this.

Had she did this to you, how would you be feeling?

I'd have took my money out of her ass-- excuse me.

- You a gangster. - We is two different people.

We operate differently.

Jury, come on. Let me hear from Nene.

Your reputation goes far in the entertainment industry.

If people are hearing that you're doing bad business,

doing everybody dirty, you'll never work.

I feel like I can relate to you

because I got that hustle in me.

And if you telling me that this is how I get paid,

I'm going to do whatever I can do

to make the most money.

But at the end of the day, this is your friend.

I just want to say this.

Be careful how you treat people.

- That's right. - Because you never know

who's next. Let me ask you this, Jammie,

how have this affected your relationship?

I felt like she was somebody that can help me

get to the next level and I can help her.

We just piggyback off each other

and do shows and things together.

What do you mean by the "next level"?

I'm inspired to be like a celebrity big-time comedian

- doing stand-up all the time. - Can I stop you there?

Can I say something to you?

I've been there, trying to find your way.

I never did this for the money.

Every time I walked out of my house and left my husband,

I did it because it was something that I liked to do.

Because when you find something you like to do,

can't nobody stop you from doing it.

My sister been smoking crack for years.

And we can't get off of it because she's in love with it.

And that's how I'm in love with comedy.

The analogy's been crazy.

[laughter]

So I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

- ...the plaintiff, Jammie. - [applause]

Coco, you're ordered to pay Jammie $1,750.

Coco, you sold 50 extra tickets at $35 each,

which is $1,750.

But I hope we can walk out here as a winner

and put a friendship back together.

Y'all gonna need each other.

Absolutely.

I just settled it.

Y'all get out of my courtroom.

[applause]

Can I have a hug?

- MS. PAT: Yes, please hug. - ALL: Aww...

[applause]

Pat is, like, the best worst friend ever.

Probably three days after my husband died,

Pat calls me up and curses me out

worse than I have ever been cursed out in my life.

Says, "Get your ass up out that goddamn bed, bitch.

"You gonna make it through this, resting is over.

"Goddamn it, he dead, he ain't coming back.

"You gotta keep your ass up.

You gotta put the foot forward."

She was right, and I bounced back.

So that's a damn good friend.

[applause]

She didn't put the oil filter in correctly,

so it leaked.

So they have to rebuild the engine.

Did you check the signal light fluid?

It wasn't in the YouTube video.

Ain't no such thing as no signal light fluid!

You gotta come here dressed like a mechanic.

CARMEN: He was dropping money. Goodness.

MAN: I had to pay the movers plus gas,

roughly around, like, $2,300.

Did you sponsor the move

because you wanted to be in a relationship?

No and yes, if that's possible.

No, it's not.

MS. PAT: Okay, jury, I see y'all over there.

Y'all came to slay and judge.

I see ya, I see ya, I see ya.

- Judgment. - You feeling a little judgy?

Ain't nothing wrong with feeling

a little judgy, am I right?

Come on, bailiff, start bailiff-ing.

This is the case of Spiller versus Obinyan.

KARLOUS: That's a hell of a name.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Melanie Spiller

is suing her friend Brittany for $5,000

after Brittany wrecked her whip with a bad oil change.

She says Brittany was in over her head

and ruined her beloved Chevy.

Defendant Brittany Obinyan says she was trying

to do her friend a favor with the oil change

and doesn't owe her anything.

Big ass assistant manager pants.

ANNOUNCER: The car got fixed,

so why is Melanie driven to sue?

...and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

MS. PAT: All right, Melanie,

tell me why we're here today, girlfriend.

Ms. Pat, I'm here to sue my friend

of over ten years for $5,000.

She was supposed to do an oil change

on my 1998 Chevy S-10,

my grandma's heirloom to me,

and she destroyed it.

- From an oil change? - From an oil change.

When I actually took it to a real mechanic,

he said she didn't put the oil filter in correctly,

so it leaked all over the rod bearings,

so they have to rebuild the engine.

Oh, God.

Damn.

Brittany, tell me your side of this story.

Your Honor, I don't owe her anything.

I changed the oil, free of charge.

I don't know about all the other issues with her car.

Clearly, that car is older than Jesus.

So, I don't know, I'm not paying.

[laughter]

MS. PAT: Do you have a picture of your truck?

I do.

This is my truck at the mechanic shop.

KARLOUS: You look so happy.

MS. PAT: Yeah, why are you posing like that?

Like, "Oh, my car broke."

[laughter]

Melanie, tell me what happened when you picked up

the truck from her.

I drive it less than ten miles to my place.

Then when I turned it off and I get out my truck,

I see there's oil on the ground.

I sent her a picture of my truck getting towed

since she's been dipping and dodging my calls,

and I have my payments to the mechanic.

So, I already put $2,000 down,

and this is the remaining for it to be fixed.

- For that old-ass car? - [laughter]

So, my truck is still with him.

He won't work on it until the full amount is paid.

Let me ask you something.

Why did you let Brittany fix the car?

She's painted walls for me, she's fixed my oven.

- I can do that, too. - She's done everything

without certification.

So, when she told me she would help me

with my truck oil change...

But that's painting the walls.

Have you ever changed oil before this, Brittany?

- I have, I have. - Are you a mechanic?

I... You know, Your Honor...

- No, I don't know. - Listen, listen.

I graduated from YouTube University.

[laughter]

I'm a DIY queen.

Brittany, let's keep it real, baby.

You don't know nothing about no damn car.

It's really easy to do an oil change.

- Is it? - It is.

Is it, Karlous?

It's not necessarily hard,

but it ain't easy either if you ain't a mechanic.

Let me ask you this.

When you popped the hood to check the oil,

did you check the signal light fluid?

MELANIE: Yeah.

It wasn't in the YouTube video.

Ain't no such thing as no signal light fluid!

[laughter]

So, if the check engine light come on,

and you just ignore it,

how long before it go off?

I don't know, I don't ignore the check engine light.

I go to the mechanic.

You go to the mechanic,

but you want to be her mechanic?

- [laughter and applause] - BRITTANY: All right.

All right, all right.

You knew Brittany was full of shit

when she had them big-ass pants on.

Hey, she tried to come here dressed like a mechanic.

MS. PAT: Let me ask you something.

Why is you investing money into the car?

- Because it's my grandma's. - It's a 19--

I want to keep it because it's my grandma's heirloom.

All right, I'm going on over here to my jury.

Come on, Deray.

There is a trust factor.

It has been ten years that y'all been friends.

You know that was wrong.

You know how much that car meant to her.

You hired your friend who didn't know anything

about a car, so, again, you get what you paid for.

Any final remarks before I make my decision?

An apology would be appreciated.

So that we can move forward?

Yeah, I don't feel like I owe her anything.

I don't know. That's just...

I feel like I was just trying to help.

So I come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...the defendant.

Brittany, you don't owe Melanie anything.

KARLOUS: Really?

You knew your friend wasn't no mechanic,

but, no, you wanted things for free.

And when you want free stuff,

you get somebody who do your oil change

and forget to put the filter in.

Brittany, don't you touch another goddamn car.

Now, I just settled it.

Get out of here.

KARLOUS: That ain't Brittany's last oil change,

- I bet you that. - Oh, no, she got to prove

- something to Ms. Pat now. - MS. PAT: She probably will.

DERAY: Just to get back at you,

she gonna start tagging you in every video.

"What you say I can't do?"

I'ma block her.

You did a one-night stand with this man.

Did you ever go back for more?

- It must have been horrible. - [laughter]

You need to listen to some DMX.

Goddamn, Karlous!

How you feel today, Ms. Pat?

I feel great. How y'all feel?

I feel great, too.

I want y'all to know I did give you

- one of them massages. - JASMIN: Oh.

She only had two hands, but it was like she had four.

Karlous, you are a small man.

Two hands could feel like four on you.

Who said I was a small man?

I know you. I look at you.

It's just because you fall away from me.

- That's all that is. - No, Karlous.

Let me tell you, if somebody my size would date you,

we would literally pick you up.

That's exactly why I be dating women your size.

Go on, Ms. Pat.

MS. PAT: All right.

Get to bailiff-ing, bailiff.

This is the case of McCray versus Ellis.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff William McCray is suing

his ex-situationship, Alexandria, for $2,300.

He says he paid for her to move in with him

and then she took advantage of his kindness.

Got a collar like Popeye the Sailor man.

ANNOUNCER: Defendant Alexandria Ellis admits

he paid for things, but says they were gifts,

so why should she be paying him back?

Plus, William crashed her car,

so she's countersuing for $1,500.

If he pays for the wreck, she says they'll be even.

...and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

- I do. - I do.

MS. PAT: Tell me why you're here, William.

I'm suing my ex-situationship for $2,300

for a move since I tried to take it to the next level.

She pretty much debted me on that.

So I'm here to get back what I lost financially

and lost emotionally today.

- Alex, tell me your side. - Yes, Your Honor.

So I'm here because Mr. McCray is suing me

for what he calls moving costs that he offered to help.

I moved from New York. He paid for everything.

Everything was a gift.

The drive, the U-Haul.

We've never had a relationship.

We've always known each other for over 20 years.

But I'm also countersuing him.

He crashed my car.

And I had to come out of my pocket $1500.

- $1500? Okay. - Yes, ma'am.

What did you move into, his house?

To his house.

He offered for me to stay to get myself together,

look for a job.

I provided the groceries.

- I had my own room. - William, did you know

that she was moving in the other room?

Yeah. I offered it to her.

How long were you living with William?

Six months.

Did he tell you if you had to pay any rent?

No, ma'am.

William, why did you help Alex move?

I helped her move because, you know,

I'm a good person and she had reached out one day.

She said, "I want to get out of this place."

I was like, come down this weekend.

Come see if you really like Atlanta.

MS. PAT: And you took her all the way

- from New York to Atlanta? - Yes.

- Do you have proof? - Yes.

Why would you move her from New York?

There's plenty of women in Atlanta.

We were friends.

You could have stayed your friendly ass in the Bronx.

[laughter]

He was dropping money.

- Goodness. -I had to pay the movers,

- plus gas. - MS. PAT: Let me see that.

WILLIAM: Roughly around like, $2300.

- I see what you were spending. - But want his money back.

I would have wanted my money back, too.

Don't work like that, though.

MS. PAT: So you all in a relationship?

WOMAN: No. No, this is my friend.

Did you sponsor the move because you wanted

to be in a relationship?

No and yes, if that's possible.

- No, it's not. - Well...

You have sex?

No, not at that time.

- At that time? - ALL: Ooh...

One-night stand.

You did a one-night stand with this man

- in his own house? - Yes.

Did you ever go back for more?

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff William McCray

is suing his ex-situationship Alexandria

for $2,300, claiming she led him on.

The defendant, Alexandria Ellis, is countersuing for $1,500

after William crashed her car.

Ms. Pat is ready to settle this wreck of a case.

You have sex?

No, not at that time.

At that time?

- One-night stand. - ALL: Ooh...

You did a one-night stand with this man

- in his own house? - Yes.

Did you ever go back for more?

It must have been horrible.

[laughter]

It must have been horrible.

MS. PAT: For a woman to not go back,

she called somebody and said, "Nah."

[laughter]

All right, let's get to the car.

You're suing him. What happened to your car?

He asked me, could he use my car

while I was out of town.

I said, of course, because we're friends.

And I got a phone call from my insurance

that he crashed my car.

He didn't even call and tell me that he did that.

So what type of friend is that?

So now you know how it feels doing

a hit and run the way you did him.

Do you have any evidence?

Yes, I do, Your Honor.

I have photos.

CARMEN: Oh, girl, you could get a plunger and fix that.

[laughter]

Well, I'm gonna go on over here to my jury.

Come on, Safaree, tell me what you think.

This is a good man, right here,

and she knew that,

and she took advantage of him.

Like, look, come on.

A girl know they could get over on him.

You know what you're doing, because we all done did it.

And another thing is, if you see a sucker,

go and get a lick, then.

I also believe that.

However, he's your friend, though.

You don't do that to your friend.

She was a good friend to me.

It's not all about receiving sometimes.

- It's sometimes about... - Bro, stop.

- [laughter] - She don't like you.

She don't like you.

Goddamn, Karlous!

You need to listen to some DMX.

Okay, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff, William.

[applause]

Alex, you're ordered to pay William $2300.

And let me tell you why.

Because you stayed at that man's house

for six months, and you don't treat him right.

As far as your $1500 countersuit,

it's denied.

Because that man went above and beyond for you.

You led him on.

You don't lead people on. If you don't want him,

then you shouldn't have moved out here.

Keep your head up, brother.

All women ain't like her.

I appreciate it.

Shit, they take you to CVS

and fill in that little hole, right there,

you're going to be all right.

I just settled it.

CARMEN: All right, y'all...

KARLOUS: All right, y'all, get the hell out.

Get your ass out of here.

You hear most people speak on relationship,

it's 50-50 now.

Well, I've been married for 32 years,

it wasn't no 50-50.

My husband paid all my Section 8 rent.

All $9 of it.

It was $39.

- Did she give you $2500? - She did.

Did she have to pay you back for that?

I mean, I borrowed it from somebody.

- KARLOUS: From who? - So you owe somebody else

some money, too?

She purposely glued my lashes together.

- She has sperm in her eyes. - What the hell?

She's the realest mother [bleep] I've ever met in my life.

MAN: She borrowed $875 from me.

- I found out it was for a BBL. - PLAINTIFF: Man, be quiet.

you need to pay to get your knees done.

They already pleading guilty. Knocking on each other.

[laughter]