Original subtitles

- All rise. - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,

and I know the inside of a courtroom.

Man, that girl is innocent!

You ain't the damn judge.

Get ready to see real cases.

I want you out of my house.

Real drama and real money on the line.

I gave her my kidney.

Give it back.

And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.

Lock her ass up!

Y'all may have started this mess,

but you know I'm gonna settle it.

Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.

You droppin' teeth.

MAN: See, that's my tooth.

You smokin' dope.

That was my asthma pump.

Y'all must have a good time together.

We do.

All rise, because court is back in session.

All right, jury, this courtroom has two rules.

Number one, I'm always right.

Number two, I'm always right.

You think I came here to disagree with you?

You better never forget I'm always right.

Come on, bailiff. Go ahead and start, bailiff.

This is the case of McNulty versus McNulty.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Gwyn McNulty

is suing her mother, Lynn, for $4,500.

Gwyn says she gave Mom her credit card

to help with vet bills,

but Lynn kept ringing up charges

for a total cosmetic blow-up.

Defendant Lynn McNulty says her daughter is being petty.

For all her work as a mom,

she deserves some credit.

Ms. Pat, you done made it.

You got minorities in your courtroom and everything.

[laughter]

BAILIFF: Y'all swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

BOTH: Yes.

Before we get started, I just want to let y'all know

that this damn jury is wilder than your last family reunion.

And I know y'all be wild.

[laughter]

So, tell me why we're here, Gwyn.

I'm here to sue my mom or $4,500

for using my care credit to get lip injections,

Botox, and weight loss.

- They did their mama, bam! - [laughter]

So, why did you give your mama access

to your credit card?

Originally, it was used for her dog, for, like, the vet.

Then once he passed, I thought I wouldn't have to,

like, worry about it.

But she continued to use it.

So, you would take care of a dog,

but not your own mama?

To be fair, she's always looked good.

Like, she doesn't need all that.

Okay, Mama, tell me why your grown-ass child

drug you into this courtroom today.

Well, I'm in shock that she's suing me,

for one thing.

Um, she gave me the care credit card,

and, yeah, I didn't think a couple other

little cosmetic procedures

was gonna be that big of a deal,

and I don't owe you anything.

And so, what did you get with the care credit card?

I got some dental work done,

and then I had lip injections, filler,

and weight loss injections.

MS. PAT: So, how did you find out she used it?

GWYN: It notified me on my app that my card was maxed out,

and then right when it notified me,

credit went down 100 points.

- And that's a lot. - That's a lot.

GWYN: It's a lot.

A white dude would say "a lot" like that, they,

- "That's a lot." - Yeah, it's a lot.

- Do you have proof? - Yes.

NENE: You max those cards out, that'll do it.

You literally turned your daughter into a minority

with this score.

It's bad.

I asked for white people on my show this year,

but not this kind.

[laughter]

How much did you spend to take it down that far?

Well, I spent over $5,000,

but I wasn't able to pay it

because the real estate market took a turn.

- MS. PAT: You sell houses? - Yes.

That's why I needed the work, on my face.

So, you think people won't buy houses from you

if you got wrinkles in your face?

- Well... - Have you got smaller lips?

She's like, "Look at the new home and this new face."

[laughter]

GWYN: That's a lot of work done for that much price.

- It's a lot, though. - LYNN: Not really.

-You don't get a lot for $5,000. - You don't.

Mama, you should have pretended the dog

was still alive.

The dog just got some work done.

You should have put that bill in the dog's name.

He right.

How did it affect you, Gwyn, by her using your credit card?

Well, the whole reason why

I want my credit card to go back up, even,

is to join the Air Force, and to join the Air Force,

you have to have good credit for job security reasons.

Yes, I ain't never going!

Were you the sole reason

for her ruining her credit and her career?

Um, no, Your Honor.

She also took a trip with her girlfriend to Hawaii.

As we all know how credit works,

I mean, if you charge up your cards, then,

you know, it's going to be affected.

What part of Hawaii did you and your girlfriend go to?

Waikiki.

And so how much did you spend in Waikiki?

$3,000.

- Do you live with your mom? - I do.

I mean, you can't blame your mama.

You maxed out your card, too.

And plus, you live with your mama.

Mama, hold on. I got to be a mama now.

Did she pay you rent?

She just started paying me rent.

How much rent did you charge her?

$750.

MS. PAT: $750. How old are you?

- Do you mind if I ask? - I'm 65.

- What? - You look great.

You look good to be 65.

Well, thank you.

What did you look like before?

Well, I've got some evidence, if you'd like to see it.

Let me see the evidence.

And let me see if this was worth

stealing your daughter's credit card.

She was a Black woman.

[laughter]

[laughter]

MS. PAT: You should have stole two cards.

CARMEN: Right?

No, she was 71 before she did this.

[laughter]

Come on, Karlous, help me out here.

KARLOUS: I hate to see family fighting over money.

You can make some more money.

You don't get but one Mama.

CARMEN: I just have one question.

Remember, you are under oath, ma'am.

Who was the doctor, child? You is nice!

Any final words before I go and make my decision?

GWYN: Yes. I'm just trying to get my credit score back up

so I can join the military.

That's all I really want out of this.

I do love my mom, but she does owe me the money.

Okay, Mama, any final words?

I hate to say it, but my only final words are,

I wish her credit score was higher so I could have

gotten more Botox because I need it now.

- DERAY: Wow. - [laughter]

Whoa, gangster mama.

What the hell?

With that said, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm ready to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...the defendant, Lynn.

Let me just tell you this, young lady.

You're the reason why your mama has wrinkles.

You're the reason why her lips are thin,

her boobs are hanging and she wear panty liners.

All that she put her body through to carry you.

How ungrateful.

How you know her mama wear panty liners?

[laughing] She's 65.

So your mother went through a lot,

and you know what?

You ought to be thankful that you could afford to even

pay back what she stole.

[laughter]

I just settled it.

[laughter]

She did look good for 65.

I mean, they smooth that face out, baby.

They bring that shit back like a lawnmower.

[vocalizing lawnmower]

[laughter]

Next case.

Would you like to try this one?

This smell like medicine.

Just look.

Black people, stop this skin care shit, okay?

[laughter]

I actually got hit by a car in December.

- You got hit by a car? - I got hit by a car.

- That's karma. - Ooh...

Was it Holly?

Ooh, jury, I love a good mess.

Y'all the best-looking cleanup crew

I done seen in a long damn time.

CARMEN: Cleanup crew? Huh.

Cleanup crew is a downgrade, we better than that.

No, they might work for the city.

Make a little payment.

You know you can go so close to hell.

I don't even want you to go to hell.

I want you to get close, and your booty hole burn up,

- and then you come on back. - CARMEN: Oh, my God!

Not his booty hole.

[laughter]

All right, bailiff, start bailiff-ing.

This is the case of Davis versus Davis.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Samatha Davis

is suing her sister Dinah for $1,750,

claiming she kept half of a job referral bonus

that Samatha had fronted her before she quit...

Come on, Delta flight attendant.

ANNOUNCER: ...and kept the cash even after her sister

was forced to pay it back.

ANNOUNCER: Defendant Dinah Davis argues

that her sister never told her

about the referral stipulations.

She says Samatha needs to quit playing dumb.

She doesn't owe her a dime.

BAILIFF: Y'all swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

All right.

So, Samatha, tell me why you're here today.

I am here today because I am suing my sister

for $1,750.

We both agreed to a job and I brought her on

as a sign-on bonus for $3,500

and I split it with her and she quit.

So, I needed to repay that bonus.

MS. PAT: What's your side of the story?

Your Honor, my sister did not go over

the details and state that I had to stay at the job

for a certain amount of time

for the bonus to be rendered unto us.

- I shouldn't have had to! - I took the money

because she gave it.

MS. PAT: Tell me about the job.

Yes, it's a data entry job.

So, let me get this right.

When you referred her,

they gave you the bonus up front?

Yes.

And what did y'all need to do to get this bonus?

Um, at least stay for at least a month or so

in order to keep the bonus.

- A month? - At least.

And you was there how long before you left?

- Two weeks. - Two weeks?

Man, this generation is lazy as hell.

As hell.

MS. PAT: How did you find out she quit that job?

I received an email and I got fired

because my referral was

a negative reflection on my work.

Damn.

MS. PAT: You got the email? Let me see it.

- Yes, ma'am, I do. - That is wrong.

The Pearl Referral Bonus Policy, the $3,500

referral bonus, upon the referral candidate

remaining employed at least eight weeks.

Oh, so that's more than a month.

MS. PAT: How many jobs has she quit like this so quickly?

I lost count. You gotta ask her.

Pat, you better hurry up

or she about to quit this case in a minute.

[laughter]

Honestly, I did not mean for my sister to lose her job.

But after two weeks of working the job,

I just noticed that it was not for me, so I quit.

Sweet and simple.

I took the half of the bonus

and I invested it in myself to start a skin care...

- A skin care... - Ooh, [bleep].

- DINAH: Ma'am. - I mean...

Just look.

Black people, stop this skin care shit, okay?

I'm so tired of y'all taking Noxzema

and adding baby oil in there

and talking about it's a skin care.

Stop it, Black people.

I know it's Noxzema.

Would you like to try this one?

Oh, she got a sample?

Let me try that, please.

Hey, don't put nothing on in this courtroom

and it break you out, because I can't take it.

CARMEN: Is it beneficial for the skin?

MS. PAT: Of course it is.

I better get some of that cream

before you quit that, too.

This smell like medicine.

DINAH: It's oil of oregano.

- Girl! - It's flaxseed or coconut oil.

Now, you need to put a little fragrance in there.

Oh, my sinuses has been backed up for three weeks, girl.

Thank you.

MS. PAT: I got a question.

Do y'all live together?

- DINAH: Yes. - Do you split the bills?

I pay the bills.

What?

I just feel as if it's an obligation

for my big sister, for my growth.

Baby, you 25, you're done growing.

You ain't going to get no taller.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay. I'm going to go over to my jury.

Come on, Carmen, tell me what you think.

You know what? You remind me of myself.

You know, when I was 25,

I used to go through them jobs quick.

Only difference is, I was getting fired.

At least you quit.

Listen, I wouldn't have split a damn thing with her.

You ain't splitting them bills.

Teach her a lesson. Kick her ass out.

I'm just saying.

I've come to my final decision.

I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff, Samatha.

[applause]

Dinah, you ordered to pay Samatha $1750,

her half of the bonus because you was wrong

to even take the bonus.

You know what you was doing.

You said, I'm going to get there,

get that signing bonus, and I'm going to take

that little extra money, and I'm going to

invest it into this hair grease, body balm,

lotion, whatever the hell you over there creating

up in your mama kitchen.

You selfish.

If you were my sister, I'd have beat you.

Yeah, I'd beat you.

It ain't too late.

All right, get out of my courtroom.

I just settled it.

Heartless.

MS. PAT: Now, let me say this.

This is literally Vaseline and pine cones from outside.

All right, come on, bailiff.

Next case.

Stop the hollering. Why we calling you doctor?

- What you do? - [laughter]

I'm a licensed therapist.

So if you a licensed therapist,

why you didn't fix this shit?

How you doing, jury?

- CARMEN: Hey. - JASMIN: Hey, girl.

Just in case nobody told you,

I just want to let you know that you are kind,

you are funny, and you are dramatic as hell.

[laughter]

CARMEN: Well, thank you.

I take that as a compliment.

I knew she wasn't talking to me.

Because it was too nice.

[laughter]

Bailiff, please start bailiff-ing.

ANNOUNCER: This is the case of Sawyer versus Ejelonu.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Dr. Holly Sawyer is suing her friend

and former travel buddy, Akudo Ejelonu, for $1,200...

JASMIN: She look mean as hell.

She ready to slap a bitch.

ANNOUNCER: ...claiming Akudo bailed on their trips

and left her holding the bag.

But Akudo says she backed out before takeoff.

Not the knee brace.

ANNOUNCER: And doesn't owe Dr. Holly anything.

After a string of bad luck, Akudo's hoping

this case is her one-way ticket to the win.

Try and get that settlement.

[laughter]

BAILIFF: Raise y'all right hand for me?

Y'all swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

Yes, sir.

MS. PAT: All right, so Dr. Holly.

- Yes. - Okay, and you're Akudo.

A-ku-do.

Akudo.

All right, Dr. Holly, tell me why we're here today.

We travel and do stand-up comedy,

and we split all the expenses.

Last year, we planned out for the year,

hotels, rental cars,

and the total amount is for $2400,

but we split it.

And she decided she wasn't gonna pay me

my half of the trips.

Akudo, tell me your side of the story.

I actually got hit by a car in December.

What? You got hit by a car?

I got hit by a car.

That's why you was walking like that?

Oh, that's why you got the knee brace on?

- AKUDO: Yep. - That's karma.

Ooh!

Was it Holly?

[laughter]

AKUDO: Holly was with me, so she was aware

that I got hit by a car.

She was aware that I canceled traveling.

So you just wanted her to be there, no matter what,

rain, sleet, or snow, or hit by a car,

you must be there.

The show must go on, yes.

She has to be there, because everything was

already paid for, so now everything fell on me.

I can't.

MS. PAT: Y'all just brought a whole new term

to "breaking a leg."

[laughter]

Dr. Holly, when did Akudo stop paying her share?

September.

We are in Omaha.

I'm there by myself. She ghosted me.

I didn't even know she wasn't even coming.

After that, it was Portland, Oregon.

No money.

And then San Francisco, when we got booked,

I asked her about the money,

and she was like, "I'm not paying you."

-MS. PAT: Do you have any proof? - Yes.

Let me get the proof, please.

SAFAREE: Ooh.

Stink face.

[laughter]

Okay.

HOLLY: The total was $2400,

and that's all the expenses.

Did you agree to split these trips?

We agreed to split some of the expenses.

So why didn't you split them?

I got hit by a car in December,

and I told the producers that I cannot travel,

and Holly was aware of that.

She still decided to go on the trip on her own,

so that's her responsibility and her cost.

Did you ever tell Holly that you could not go?

[high-pitched] I told her.

She lying, because her voice got high.

BOTH: "I told her."

MS. PAT: You have any proof you told her?

I told her verbally.

Mmm.

After I got there, after I got the rental car,

checked into the hotel, the time is ticking.

Holly was with me when I got hit by a car,

so I'm confused.

I'm like, hello, where are you at?

"Oh, I'm not coming." Excuse me?

Well, Ms. Pat, Your Honor,

can I bring one piece of evidence, please?

- Yes. - Your book.

- What about my book? - Because you said,

when it came to your family,

you had to continue finding respect for yourself

within your family, but also find a way for them

to respect you and also to separate from the bullshit.

So this is like a lesson for Holly

where I'm trying to find a way for her

- to actually respect me. - Are we going to the book

because I got some pages in here where she actually...

Okay, bring the book. Bring what?

- I got the book. - We ready.

- I got the book. - CARMEN: Oh, shoot, Pat!

They're using your own book against you.

I love it! Go ahead on.

ANNOUNCER: Dr. Holly Sawyer is suing her friend,

Akudo Ejelonu for $1,200,

the amount she paid for trips which Akudo bailed on.

But Akudo says she couldn't travel

because she broke her foot.

Ms. Pat's ready to decide just who needs to foot the bill.

Your Honor, can I bring one piece of evidence, please?

- Yes. - Your book.

Are we going to the book

because I got some pages in here where she actually...

AKUDO: Okay, bring the book. Bring what?

- I got the book. - We ready.

- I got the book. - What chapter, baby?

Oh, shoot, Pat!

They're using your own book against you.

- I love it! Go ahead on. - That ain't against me,

that's against them.

What's your chapter, doctor?

Where Ms. Pat apologized,

but she also said [bleep] knew they needed to do.

That was you, too.

- Self-reflect. - No, no, no.

- Doctor. - This ain't that.

- Self-reflect. Namaste. - This ain't that.

Dr. Holly, why we calling you doctor?

- What you do? - [laughter]

I'm a licensed therapist.

So if you a licensed therapist,

why you didn't fix this shit, okay?

You need to get on your own couch

and talk to yourself.

HOLLY: Because it's business and not personal.

MS. PAT: But you could have filed an insurance company

and got paid.

All right, I'm going on over to my jury.

Come on, Safaree. I'm going to start with you.

You know what?

I don't care who's right, who's wrong.

I based it off of what I want to base it off of,

and I like your biceps.

- Appreciate it, Safaree. - And that's what's right.

You going with her because she's strong looking?

No, her biceps, Pat, her arms, her muscles.

Come on, Karlous.

- They was friends, right? - Mm-hmm.

You know how comedians do when you take them on the road?

You pull up at the gas station, they fake sleep.

Then as soon as you pull off, they back up.

"Yeah, man. I'm coming back.

You straight, bro? You straight?"

So that's exactly what "I'm cool, though," did.

[laughter]

Before I get out of here,

how have this affected your relationship, Dr. Holly?

We almost done with the year,

and we ain't done no shows this year yet,

and that's not like us.

Think of us as like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

- I'm Amy. - And we hit the...

[laughter]

JASMIN: Wow.

Maybe like Max and Regine, but no.

Okay, I'll take it.

I'll take it.

And we do a lot of comedy together

because you already know how hard it can be

- for women in the game. - Mm-hmm.

You an amazing example, Ms. Pat, you know,

and I appreciate you because you inspire me.

Thank you.

And with that said, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the defendant, Akudo.

[applause]

Yes!

Akudo, you don't owe Dr. Holly anything.

If you know she got hit by that car,

why the hell you didn't start canceling gigs?

At least her half?

I mean, who gonna just get hit by a car

and bounce back up?

You know, she got arm strength,

but them knees look weak.

I seen her when she walked in here.

There ain't a muscle in her back leg.

[laughter]

I'll settled it.

Get out of my courtroom.

Bye.

Pat, I don't think there's nothing wrong with her damn leg.

But she still put a heel on y'all bitches.

It's the way she was walking on it.

She refused that damn knee.

Why would you be scared to tell your best friend about a man?

He's here.

I met him at a adult company.

Can you show us what you do?

Yes, ma'am, I can.

- [clapping in rhythm] - One, two, three, four.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Couch out, couch out.

Shut up, Deray!

Passsion, that's you?

Yes, ma'am, with three S's.

So it's spelled wrong.

Pat, she walked in, I seen her booty from the front.

I know he wanted that ass.