Original subtitles

- All rise. - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,

and I know the inside of a courtroom.

Man, that girl is innocent!

You ain't the damn judge.

Get ready to see real cases.

I want you out of my house.

Real drama and real money on the line.

I gave her my kidney.

Give it back.

And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.

Lock her ass up!

Y'all may have started this mess,

but you know I'm gonna settle it.

Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.

You droppin' teeth.

MAN: See, that's my tooth.

MS. PAT: You smokin' dope.

That was my asthma pump.

Y'all must have a good time together.

We do.

All rise, because court is back in session.

♪♪♪

Her edges are laid, and she always gets paid.

All rise for Ms. Pat.

♪♪♪

Hey, y'all.

- Hey. - Y'all can sit down.

Jury, I want y'all just to remember,

what had happened was it's not a defense, okay?

- It's a lie. - [laughter]

All right, bailiff, let's get to bailiff-ing.

This is the case of Speaks versus Smith.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Cocoa Speaks

is suing her former best friend, Sarafina,

for $1,800 in damages after a mirror was broken

during their trip to Vegas.

According to Cocoa, the two were drunk and twerking.

The defendant, Sarafina Smith, denies responsibility,

claiming they were both equally drunk

and that that mirror was in the wrong place

at the wrong time.

BAILIFF: ...the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

- so help you, God? - WOMEN: Yes.

Before we get started, I just want to let y'all know

that this jury might not be legally qualified,

but they petty, and that's why I love them.

[laughter]

All right, Cocoa, tell me why we're here today.

I am here today to sue my trifling-ass ex-homegirl

for $1800 for damage to a mirror at an Airbnb

that I planned and paid for for a girls trip in Las Vegas.

How did she break it?

Twerking, dancing, being wild.

That's seven years of bad twerk.

- Mm-hmm. - [laughter]

Okay, so let me hear your side of the story, Sarafina.

I am here today being sued by my petty bitch-ass of a friend

for suing me for $1800 on a mirror she's claiming I broke.

And we both was drinking and twerking and dancing together.

DERAY: Mmm...

What did y'all do when y'all first got to Vegas?

We downstairs, pre-gaming on the Don Julio.

Shot number one, shot number two, shot number three.

Every shot I had, you had two, right?

- COCOA: Right. - She got it.

Shot for shot, round for round.

- MS. PAT: Okay. - Her song come on.

[scattered laughter]

"Ah, this my song!"

Pow, pow, pow!

"Ah, this my song!"

- Dang! - Ya did all that?

There goes Frasier.

Did you back your ass into the mirror?

I was dancing with her.

Was you twerking, too?

I don't really twerk like she do.

I kind of do like...

What's that?

Just kind of like a stand and a little...

You just throw a little bit, like a burp.

Yes, ma'am. From your ankles up.

- [laughter and applause] - Okay.

Hold up, you didn't see the mirror?

The mirror was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yeah, who put that there?

MS. PAT: How pissed off was the Airbnb owner?

Extremely.

He got my Airbnb account locked.

Did they charge your credit card?

- Yes, ma'am. - Do you have proof?

I got an itemized receipt, Miss Pat.

Okay. Let me see your itemized.

You ever asked Serafina for $1800 to pay for the mirror?

- Absolutely. - And what'd she say, girl?

At first, she was like,

"Okay, I can't pay it all together,

but I'm going to make increments."

Girl, I gave you options.

It was a lot of options not once didn't give me my money.

MS. PAT: What was the options you gave her to pay the $1800?

It's an Airbnb thing to cover, like, damages

that she could have went through.

I feel like she just let the Airbnb man get over on her.

Did you try to set up a payment plan?

No.

I don't feel like I broke the mirror.

Well, your seven years of bad luck starts today.

[laughter]

What I'm going to do real quick

is I'm going to give you these drunk goggles.

This is what it feels like when you drink five shots,

once you put these on.

And Deray's going to give y'all a test

to see which one of y'all can handle your looking

without stumbling and knocking the mirror off the wall.

Come on up here, Deray.

CARMEN: Uh-oh, the truth comes out now.

I'm going to pass.

DERAY: Oh, my God, which one is Ms. Pat?

- Ladies. - [music playing]

Line up, join me over here.

Well, my knees don't let me walk straight.

She's not me, thank you.

Well, answer them.

All right, ladies, in a straight line, halfway,

and then stop.

SARAFINA: Can we get a key word to say stop?

DERAY: Let's use "stop."

[laughter]

Start walking now.

COCOA: Okay, you said halfway.

DERAY: Stop!

Now turn slowly in a Michael Jackson turn.

Whoa!

One point off, right there.

Now walk to me.

Stop.

Twerk, twerk, twerk.

[singing] ♪ Mirror, mirror on the wall ♪

♪ Break that mirror, make it fall ♪

[laughter]

Back that ass up without hitting Ms. Pat-- ready?

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk.

She looked back first.

That means she was concerned about a mirror.

NENE: Got your ass.

- [applause] - Got your ass.

Come on, jurors, help me out here.

CARMEN: It's simple.

She broke the mirror, and she should pay.

That's your friend, man.

She was trying to do something for you.

If you ain't got all the money,

just throw her something.

And, Cocoa, you got to ask her to teach you

some of the stuff she was doing, too,

because that look, that ain't going to get it all the time.

It might get you a drink in the club, though.

MS. PAT: Ooh, Lord.

So I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff, Cocoa.

[applause]

[laughter]

Sarafina, you ordered to pay Cocoa $900,

half of the $1800, because both of y'all was drunk,

and don't nobody know who broke the mirror.

One cheek apiece.

MS. PAT: Yeah, it's time to put that ass out there,

because it's breaking things, okay?

[laughter]

I just settled it.

Get out of my courtroom.

[applause]

[rapping] ♪ Cocoa puffs is good food ♪

♪ Cocoa puff's courtroom... ♪

[whooping and rapping]

NAVV: Ms. Pat, so Carmen be dancing like that?

NENE: Oh, Carmen, really?

What's funny about Carmen, she get doing that shit

and her knees lock up on her, she remembers she doing...

I always get back up.

WOMAN: What in the hell?

Hold up, those are her kids.

I can just feel the dysfunction in the air.

MAN: She's happy stealing money and gambling.

- Borrow. - MAN: Her own husband knows.

You done let this woman gamble all the money away.

- I can't control her. - [laughter]

MS. PAT: How you doing, jury?

- Hey. - Good.

These people about to come in here is not your friends,

so make sure you light their ass up.

I know that's right.

Now I'm inspired.

- MS. PAT: You ready, bailiff? - BAILIFF: Yes, ma'am.

Get to bailiff-ing, please.

This is the case of Laye versus Laye.

That's my kid's baby daddy last name.

Please enter the courtroom.

♪♪♪

Hold up, those are her kids!

ANNOUNCER: Ms. Pat's own kids are here.

- What in the hell? - [laughing] Okay.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Ashley Laye

is suing her brother for $500

she says she loaned him to blow at the strip club.

Defendant Nikia Laye claims

mowing Ashley's lawn for six months

more than covers it.

Ashley's hoping Ms. Pat makes it rain in her favor

and that her brother is sent home bone dry.

BAILIFF: ...nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

I could just feel the dysfunction in the air.

- I really can. - [laughter]

All right, tell me why you're here, Ashley.

Madam Vice President.

Ma'am, I'm not no Madam Vice President.

Sorry.

Your Honor, I was having a family night out

with my siblings and we went to the strip club.

My younger brother, Nikia, borrowed $500 from me

so that he could throw on the strippers

because he didn't have any money that night.

We made a verbal agreement

that he would pay me my money back

when he got paid on the Friday.

When the day came to get paid, I'm texting him,

like, you know, what's up, my money, yada, yada, yada,

and he has all these excuses.

And so tell me your side of the story.

I probably know it.

Mama, I mean, Your Honor...

- Don't call me Mama. - [laughter]

Your Honor, she never said it was a loan.

You know, I assumed it was a gift.

MS. PAT: What was a gift for you to

throw money on the strippers?

I've been to the club plenty of times.

I ain't been throwing my own money.

Shoot, them girls...

[scoffs]

He done ran out of breath.

[laughter]

No, to be honest, I see it like it was even

because I was helping her out.

You know, I was driving an hour there

and an hour back, cutting her yard, so...

I look at her like this.

She gift me the money at the club.

MS. PAT: Okay.

And I gift her yard for six months.

Did you get this in writing that it was a loan?

Actually, speaking of writing,

I actually have text messages between us.

- MS. PAT: Okay. - Yes.

Injection.

- Injection? - [laughter]

You mean insulin.

- "Injection!" - [laughter]

Come on, Karlous and Jasmin, read these up.

[Karlous clearing throat]

Nikia, when yo big back ass gone pay me back

that money from the club?

You said you would pay me when you got paid.

Ay... sis.

[laughter]

I had to pay for daycare and feed my dog.

And pay rent.

JASMIN: I want my money in two weeks on your next check

or you won't have a dog or kids to feed or rent to pay

when I'm done with your ass.

ALL: Ooh...

KARLOUS: You can have the dogs and the kids.

[laughter]

You know what I like about that, Karlous?

You read that text message out of breath the whole time.

[laughter]

You sound just like him, Karlous.

But you did say you was gonna pay her back.

But I look at her, it was even.

Because I cut her yard for, what, six months for $60.

Normally, you know, a yard costs about $150.

- MS. PAT: Yeah. - I was giving off deals

- for $60. - He did cut your yard.

- I got evidence. - He did not cut my grass.

He don't have no proof that he cut my grass.

I got cash apps, they don't lie.

MS. PAT: Let me see the cash apps.

JASMIN: What's in the cash apps?

CARMEN: Grass, grass, grass, grass-- six months.

NIKIA: That's what it was.

"I cooked you food, you cut the grass."

I'm like, well, what about you paying me?

Well, I give you $60 if you cut my grass.

So it's like, one or the other.

I wasn't gonna get both.

- Did you want both? - Yeah!

Your Honor, when he pulled up,

he had a box of crispy, crunchy chicken from the gas station.

- And a large Sprite. - That chicken be vital.

No, everybody know those just appetizers.

MS. PAT: Since we're in the midst of suing each other,

you never paid me for sending you to the Dominican Republic

- to get your teeth done. - That was a gift.

- That was a gift. - MS. PAT: Yeah, okay.

- I have a message for the gift. - No, I--

You said, "You need your teeth done,

make an appointment, and I left in two weeks.

But you were supposed to pay for the flight.

ASHLEY: Now I see where he gets it from!

But he owe you for rent-- you've been paying his rent

- for three years. - I don't pay his rent.

- What you pay? - Nothing.

His insurance.

- NIKIA: That's it. - But I pay yours, too.

That don't count.

- We're talking about him. - [laughter]

All right, help me out, Safaree.

I've been in the strip club, and any time

I've been with friends and, like, they give me money,

they not getting it back. Like, I keep it.

Sorry, Safaree's with rich friends.

- I'm with Nikia. - [laughter]

Ms. Pat, uh, I'm siding with your son

because even if he do owe her some money,

don't pay her, because it ain't nowhere

in the state of Georgia

you can get your yard cut for six months for $500.

You take advantage of every situation.

Yes, Lord.

MS. PAT: And with that said, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm ready to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...ain't nobody getting shit.

BOTH: What?

[laughter and applause]

CARMEN: Hold up!

Both of y'all owe me money. Get the [bleep] out of here.

- I just settled it. - [laughter]

My family ain't shit.

I cannot believe they came here.

I was like, Laye?

You know who I actually thought that was?

They daddy.

Let me tell you how petty she is.

When the Ms. Pat show came out,

she made them put a billboard right by his job at Jiffy Lube.

- [laughter] - So every time he get to work,

he got to see her ass in the billboard with her new show.

MS. PAT: When he was in the hospital,

I had them put one outside to greet him.

KARLOUS: Gina was playing two-cent slots,

so when she spent $3300 playing two-cent slots--

- She was there two weeks. - KARLOUS: She was there

for two damn weeks!

MS. PAT: Ooh, Lord. All right, jury.

On this next one, I need some truth, honesty,

and a little bit of pettiness.

- Got you. - You got me, Karlous?

Oh, okay.

I know you the king of that petty shit.

[laughter]

- I'm literally just a man. - [laughter]

All right, bailiff, start bailiff-ing, please.

This is the case of Collins versus Jones.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Tremaine Collins

is suing his former friend and business partner Regina

for $3,300, claiming she took the profits

from their catering business

and gambled it away at the casino.

Defendant Regina Jones argues

since she did most of the work, she doesn't owe a dime.

They're throwing their cards on the table,

and someone's gonna go bust.

BAILIFF: ...and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

- Yes. - Yes.

MS. PAT: So, Tremaine, tell me why we're here today.

I'm suing my former best friend Regina for $3300

because we started a catering company,

and Regina decided that she was

gonna gamble away all the money.

And Regina, what's your side?

I do admit that I did borrow some of the money...

- All of it. - ...but this business

started 50-50.

The business was run out of my home.

I fronted the ingredients,

the supplies, the pots, the pans.

I baked all the cakes.

I cooked all the food.

I do not owe him $3300.

MS. PAT: So who was responsible for what?

I did most of the cooking.

I was mostly doing social media,

so I was taking the pictures,

putting us out there in order to get business.

She was responsible for the money.

So let me see the cake that you baked, Regina.

NENE: Oh, wow.

So this is the food you made.

NAVV: Now, I ain't gonna lie, that looks good.

- CARMEN: This is cute. - No, it's some good stuff.

We do this.

So when did the business go south?

We were supposed to do a wedding cake,

and so she gave Regina the money for her wedding cake,

which was $2500.

I even have the evidence, right here.

Yeah, yeah, please.

So here's a text message from Rachel W.

- Is that the friend? - That's her friend.

Hi, Tremaine.

Just touching bases with you.

I haven't heard anything from Regina

since I sent the money,

but she's on Facebook at the casino.

Are you guys running a scam or something?

My wedding is in a week, and I want my money back.

You're just losing the money and the business.

I'm not proud of this. Okay.

I even have evidence of her smiling at the casino.

Um, photo of her at the casino.

- Oh, look. - Yeah, baby.

The joy in your face on this picture, baby.

That casino will get you.

Yeah, she's happy stealing money and gambling.

Uh-uh-uh, that stealing word is not gonna fly.

Thieves steal, and you did that.

- Borrowed. - Stole. Stole.

Very much, you stole. You stole.

KARLOUS: Wait a minute.

Ms. Pat, you look right here in the bottom left corner.

Gina was playing two-cent slots.

CARMEN: Yes.

So when she spent $3300 playing two-cent slots,

She was there for two weeks.

KARLOUS: She was there for two damn weeks!

[laughter]

I had to start doing Uber and Lyft on weekends

so that way I can get this lady her money back.

That damn slot machine.

REGINA: Okay, I admit, I would go to the casino.

He still does not deserve it.

I was using my home.

I was using gas, electricity.

Let me see your electric bill.

Here's evidence.

NAVV: Y'all brought the bill $35.

CARMEN: Thirty-five dollars?

Are you serious?

That's the worst evidence you could have brought.

A gas bill for $35.22, $4.77.

You wasn't even cooking!

She was gambling.

Her own husband knows.

- Oh, where he at? - He's here.

Well, can you come on up, husband?

He drives me to the casino, okay?

Ooh!

- What's going on? - Husband!

ANNOUNCER: Tremaine Collins is suing

his former business partner, Regina Jones,

for $3300 worth of profits

he says she gambled away at the casino.

But Regina says she did most of the work,

so she wagers it's her money to spend.

It's time for Ms. Pat to deal out her verdict.

Well, can you come on up, husband?

REGINA: He is here. Come on, baby.

MS. PAT: Is he your witness?

He's my witness.

Now, you done let this woman gamble all the money away.

He drove her to the casino.

- He in on it. - I can't control her.

Uh-oh, he gave you that old man point.

Hey, Karlous.

[laughter]

What is your name, sir?

- Anthony Jones. - You can have a seat.

Anthony, what are your thoughts on Tremaine and Regina?

It started out real good.

I was kind of a little jealous, you know,

because they was making a lot of money,

and they weren't giving me none.

[laughter]

Do you think your wife have a gambling problem?

Yes, she do.

Tremaine, he had a fault for trusting her.

[laughter]

Hallelujah.

How you gonna sell out your own wife, sir?

Yes, because he knows the truth.

Honestly, I felt bad for him.

I object. You felt bad for him?

You gonna object to your own husband?

Go back over there and sit down, Tony.

Well, let me go to the jury.

Carmen, what you think, baby?

This is pretty much a no-brainer.

She needs a gambler's anonymous class, quick.

KARLOUS: There ain't gonna be an anonymous.

Everybody done seen it on TV.

[laughter]

I like the casino.

I can't even get on you about the casino,

because I've been in there by myself.

- REGINA: Thank you. - So we can go any time.

Okay. I'm gonna call you, girl.

- She ain't gonna answer. - [laughter]

Any final remarks, Tremaine?

Business is dissolved.

You know, I said, I cannot do that.

I lost out on work from my regular job,

having to do Uber to pay these people back,

so I deserve my $3300 from Regina.

Any final remarks, Regina?

No.

So, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm gonna settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff.

[applause]

Regina, you are ordered to pay Tremaine $3300.

Regina, let me tell you something.

You don't ever win at a casino.

Do what white women do, go rescue some cats.

That crap is free.

I've settled this.

Y'all get the hell out of my courtroom.

- [applause] - Yes, Tremaine.

Don't you hug her!

She gonna get his ass again.

- Check for your wallet. - [laughter]

- How old are you? - Sixty-five.

- Okay. - You look great.

She was 71 before she took that.

What did y'all need to do to get this bonus?

Stay for at least a month.

How long before you left?

Two weeks.

You remind me of myself, only I was getting fired,

at least you quit.

She was like, "I'm not paying you."

I actually got hit by a car in December.

That's karma.

- Was it Holly? - [laughter]

Y'all just brought a whole new term to "breaking a leg."