Original subtitles

- All rise. - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,

and I know the inside of a courtroom.

Man, that girl is innocent!

You ain't the damn judge.

Get ready to see real cases.

I want you out of my house.

Real drama and real money on the line.

I gave her my kidney.

Give it back.

And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.

Lock her ass up!

Y'all may have started this mess,

but you know I'm gonna settle it.

Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.

You droppin' teeth.

See, that's my tooth.

You smokin' dope.

That was my asthma pump.

Y'all must have a good time together.

- We do. - [laughter]

All rise, because court is back in session.

Truth, justice, and a whole lot of side eye.

All rise...

- [laughter] - ...for Ms. Pat.

♪♪♪

Y'all can have a seat.

How you doing, jury?

- Great. - Good.

You know, I hope y'all hungry,

because we about to feast on some foolishness.

- [laughter] - Oh, we finna eat for real.

Come on, bailiff,

go and do your job and get this shit started.

In this case, we have Coleman versus Crosskey.

You may enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Tiffany Coleman is suing friend Shawn

for $2,000, the amount she paid him to fix and finish

her hardwood floors.

She claims instead he sent a homeless man

to her house to nail down plywood.

The defendant, Shawn Crosskey, says he and his partner

finished the floors.

He doesn't understand all the fuss.

He thought she just wanted to walk on the floors.

So why is Tiffany walking him into court?

Before you start flapping your mouth,

I just want to let y'all know that I am off-limits.

But my jurors over there, they asking for it.

So you can give to them, baby, real, real hard.

- [murmuring] - [laughter]

All right, Tiffany, tell me why you're here today.

I'm here today because

I'm suing my ex-friend Shawn for $2,000.

I gave him $1,000 up front to fix my floor.

When it flooded, the floor started dropping.

So I thought it was just a simple lift the floor up.

But he got me and my floor messed up.

MS. PAT: Let me hear your side, Mr. Crosskey.

I admit, Ms. Pat, I ain't gonna lie to you.

I didn't finish the floor,

but I told her that I had to go do another gig.

And I told her I would come back and finish it.

So what was the other job you went to do?

I need to know what was that.

Oh, these white folks that called me to do a mailbox.

- That's what they do. - [laughter]

- That's what they do. - Yo, my man, my man...

CARMEN: You left her for a white man over a mailbox?

Ain't no mailbox gonna pay you more than this floor.

The white folks did.

How much you made for the mailbox, Shawn?

- $3500. - Stop lying, man.

I'm trying to tell-- y'all want to see the mailbox?

I got a picture of the mailbox.

MS. PAT: You got proof for the mailbox you made $3500?

So you did the mailbox.

Shawn, this mailbox old as [bleep].

[laughter]

Oh, I know you lying.

I know you is lying.

You gonna tell me this is a new installment?

SHAWN: They wanted their old bricks,

because it was sentimental to them.

MS. PAT: So do you have any pictures of this floor?

Yes, ma'am.

He told me he would knock an extra $500 off

if I helped tear my own floor up.

[laughter]

She said she wanted to do that.

He took a picture of you?

Yes, he took a picture of me on the floor looking stupid.

So she helped you did this?

Yeah, she helped me-- you saw her on the ground.

So wait a minute, how far did he tear your floor up?

All the way to the joists?

We tore the whole floor out to the ground.

Uh, dang.

[laughter]

So let me ask you this, Shawn.

So you a contractor?

Um, I'm a...

I'm a contractor, but I'm not a contractor.

What?

[laughter]

It's a yes or no. Are you a professional?

I don't want to hear no, "I am and I'm not."

I'm gonna say yes.

[laughter]

He gonna say yes.

SHAWN: I'm gonna say yes.

MS. PAT: Do you have a license?

I got a driver's license.

I ain't got the license like you think I need, but I got...

I don't even believe that driver's license no good, Pat.

So you tore up the floor

and you just left her high and dry?

No, I had sent somebody over there to finish it.

The person that you sent over,

did they do quality work?

- He can do quality work. - [overlapping conversations]

Let me just say this,

I've never seen nobody who was gonna install a floor

and took the whole damn floor out.

SHAWN: We had to take the whole floor up.

Her son fell through the floor.

- Who did? - Her son.

He didn't get far. It's a lot of dirt there.

So after you demo-ed the floor, did you fix it back?

- Did you put it back? - Yeah, I put it back.

Brought my partner over there

and he was putting half of it back together

and I'd check on him every now and then.

Let me see the floor that was finished.

- What they call finished. - She can walk on it.

She can walk on it, Miss Pat.

- Oh, hell no! - NAVV: That ain't bad.

That is bad.

A little better than it was.

MS. PAT: This is a sub-floor, sir.

This is not a complete job.

All you got was plywood at the end.

Shawn, did your help finish the job?

Yeah, he was doing his work.

I called him, checked on him,

making sure everything was good.

Who is this man?

- It's a cat named Retro. - Retro?

His name is Retro.

- Is Retro here? - Yeah, Retro right here.

- Come on up here, Repo. - [laughter]

Oh, he just got out.

[laughter]

So, Retro, Shawn hired you to finish Tiffany floor?

Did Shawn ever come back and check on you?

Because you look like you need to be checked on.

[laughter]

RETRO: He know I'm a hard worker,

so he know he ain't have to check like that.

Are you a contractor?

I'm a neighborhood man.

I do all the jobs in the neighborhood.

I was just trying to get a bag.

Shawn pulled up and said...

You were trying to get a bag?

Yeah, I was trying to get a bag.

Or you were just trying to get some money?

I was trying to get some money.

Did you know what you was doing?

- Kind of. - Okay.

He too [indistinct].

Shawn, you brought the wrong witness, dog.

[laughter]

MS. PAT: Thank you, Retro.

You can take your chain and go and sit back down.

[indistinct]

He got a lot of tattoos.

He had some money at some point.

[laughter]

And did you get your money?

Did you get the $500?

Oh, no, I'm still waiting on mine, too.

Oh!

You owe your witness money?

[laughter]

I'm going to go to my jury. Come on, Carmen.

How dare you take from this single mother,

her baby and had already failed?

- [applause] - Yeah, that's it.

How old was your son?

- He was 17. - CARMEN: 17!?

He should have been down there fixing that floor with Retro.

Ooh, lord, I done heard enough.

I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...the plaintiff, Tiffany.

[applause]

Shawn, you're ordered to pay Tiffany $2,000.

Tiffany trusted you as a friend

to finish her den,

and you left this lady walking on raw wood.

And then not only that,

you didn't even pay your friend back, there.

Retro, come up here and stand next to her, please.

NAVV: Take your time, Retro.

Shawn is going to give you your $500.

I've settled this.

Y'all get the hell out of my courtroom.

[applause]

Let me ask y'all something.

Y'all ever had somebody do a job at your house

and screwed it up?

Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, but it was in a bedroom.

It was a different type of job.

[laughter]

It's time to go, we out of here.

- I gave her my kidney. - What?

The thing don't even work like it should.

- Give it back. - [laughter]

I've been trying to.

I'm here to sue my girlfriend.

Just do that spin,

you can get that money back.

- [applause] - Yeah!

Man, that girl innocent, man!

[laughter]

- Hey, jury! - Hey!

You know, they say don't judge,

but today I need you to do it with your chest out.

[laughter]

Carmen, don't you touch that man.

He ain't got time for you, you calling him

in the middle of the night, crying.

He gonna be the one crying. Ha!

Come on, bailiff, get to baliff-ing.

This is the case of Jackson versus Davis.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Kimberly Jackson

is suing her niece, Felicia, for $4,000,

claiming she owed months of unpaid rent

after overstaying her welcome.

Defendant Felicia Davis argues that her auntie

is the one who owed the bill.

She did it.

ANNOUNCER: She credits herself

with saving Kimberly's life years ago,

and that's a debt that can never be repaid.

...tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

Kimberly, tell me why you here.

I'm here to sue my freeloading niece, Felicia.

She owes me $4,000 in unpaid rent.

She came to visit for a few days.

That turned into a few weeks.

Now it's several months,

and I want her the hell out of my house.

MS. PAT: Let me hear your side of the story, lipstick--

I mean, Felicia.

You know, family is supposed to help family.

- Bullshit. - And what she's not

telling you is, I gave her my kidney.

What?

So she owe me for life.

Girl, please.

Tell me about the kidney.

She was sick.

I have polycystic disease.

And I helped her out, because that's what family do.

She gave me a subpar kidney.

I can't even take ibuprofen.

The thing don't even work like it should.

- Give it back. - [laughter]

I've been trying to.

Ms. Pat, she's not playing.

KIMBERLY: That kidney was ten years ago, honey.

She also failed to mention that when she gave me the kidney

and I got well, I took her on a full-paid cruise.

I paid for the flight and everything.

Ms. Pat, do you know that one single kidney

can cost up to $250,000?

Oh, my!

And your niece was nice enough to give you one?

KIMBERLY: I don't give a damn.

I want her out of my house.

She wouldn't even be here right now

if it wasn't for my kidney.

Kimberly, how did Felicia end up living in your house?

She came for Thanksgiving.

I host my family.

But then now everybody gone,

you still here, and I'm like, what's really going on?

So she's like, oh, I want to be a comic.

You know, Atlanta is the place to be.

Okay, this is like Black Hollywood,

and I'ma be a big star.

I know how this gonna end.

Kimberly, did she ask, can she stay with you?

After a month, I told her, I'ma need $1,000.

My rent is $2,000, and I want you to pay rent.

I don't even understand why I even owe her money.

Have you tried to have her evicted?

Um, no, I was hoping not to do that because,

as you know, that costs money.

I was hoping she would just pack her big bags

and take her big ass on somewhere.

- [laughter] - Oh.

Oh, my.

- But then there's evidence. - Tell her what it say.

"Eviction notice, you are hereby required to evacuate..."

Evacuate?

It say vacuate, but I thought it was evacuate.

See, it ain't even spelled right.

- [all talking at once] - That's why it say,

- get the hell out! - Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

This ain't even spelled right. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

That say "vacate."

I don't know if you helpable.

KIMBERLY: That's right.

MS. PAT: I mean, you living in somebody's house

and the mortgage is $2,000,

and you got on that little ugly lipstick.

Who bought that?

She did.

The glitter get everywhere.

I wish it would get to the bank.

- Ooh! - [laughter]

MS. PAT: Do y'all like that?

Safaree, you like that glitter on the lips?

I got lip tattoos, right here.

That's what I'm talking about.

I know he like big girls.

I've seen him looking at me.

CARMEN: Go ahead on, girl.

See, that's what I'm looking for.

No dignity.

[all talking at once]

[laughter]

Safaree, I'm gonna need you to pay her rent.

I got you in a month.

KIMBERLY: In a month? Oh, yeah.

Two birds of a feather.

[laughter]

- Nah. - MS. PAT: Okay.

I'm gonna go over to my jury. Carmen.

Me and my aunt have a really close relationship.

If she ever needed a kidney,

I would definitely give it to her,

but you can't hold that over somebody's head for ten years.

You didn't even tell us about the cruise,

and I know you was on that boat, eating.

I know you was.

My advice to you, stay as long as she live.

She owe you $250,000.

Yes!

I don't owe this girl nothing but a kick in her ass.

I want you out of my house.

I'm tired of talking about this.

All right.

So I've come to my final decision,

and I'm gonna settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff, Kimberly.

[applause]

Felicia, you're ordered to pay Kimberly $2,000.

You wanted $4,000 for rent.

And the reason why I'm giving you $2,000

is because that kidney do have some miles on it now.

And I know when she gave it to you,

it was in fatty, healthy shape.

Yeah, I just settled it.

Y'all get your crazy asses out of here.

Bye, Felicia.

MS. PAT: Ain't nobody calling you.

She almost bit your ass.

There definitely was some teeth in there.

[laughter]

My dog has food allergies. He's a pescatarian.

Why the hell you didn't pack that dog no fish sandwich?

Who the hell breed a pit bull with a pescatarian, anyway?

- SAFAREE: Make it make sense. - NAVV: Make it make sense.

Hey, jury, how y'all doing?

- Hey... - What's going on?

- Greetings, Your Majesty. - What?

Up there looking like Glorilla Mama.

[laughter]

I wish I was Glorilla Mama.

But Glorilla don't even look like her mama.

[laughter]

Get to bailiff-ing, bailiff.

This is the case of Boone versus Powell.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff, Feniece Boone,

is suing her girlfriend, Shay,

for $1,000 in vet bills

after her dog, Deuce, started acting fishy

after Shay babysat him.

KARLOUS: She used to work at Sonic's.

[laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Defendant, Shay Powell, says Feniece

is skating around the truth

and it is Feniece who owes her money

after Deuce urinated on her couch.

Shay is countersuing for $835.

...tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth, so help you, God?

- I do. - All right, Feniece,

can you tell me why we're here today?

I'm here to sue my girlfriend for $1,000 in vet bills.

I'm a professional skater and I went out of town for a gig

and I came back and my dog was sick.

She had left food around

and he ate something he wasn't supposed to.

After that, she's like,

"Well, you need to give me my money.

I still watched your dog."

No, I'm not giving you nothing because now

I have to spend a lot of money to get him fixed.

Shay, what's your side of the story, baby?

I'm countersuing my situationship for $835.

$400 is for me babysitting her dog

and $435 is for the couch cleaning,

because her bad-ass dog pissed on my couch.

Y'all not in a relationship?

- FENIECE: Oh, no. - SHAY: We are, we are.

She asked me to be her girlfriend.

- Did I? - MS. PAT: Okay.

- And did. - Blame it on the Patron.

Oh!

Let me ask you this, Shay.

How long did you keep the dog?

I kept the dog for four days.

Feniece, set this up for me.

You was going out of town.

You came back and your dog was what?

Sick. He has food allergies.

He's a pescatarian, for one.

What kind of dog is that?

[laughter]

He only eats fish and seafood.

MS. PAT: Okay. What's the dog's name?

Deuce.

What was wrong with "Deuce"?

[laughter]

He had a fungus on his skin.

Can I see before and after pictures for this dog?

Oh, yes, Your Honor, you sure can, I have it.

- Okay. - Thank you.

You sure this dog just don't have eczema or alopecia?

FENIECE: That's all from feeding him something

he wasn't supposed to eat, Your Honor.

I gave her a list of things that he cannot have,

and she knew that.

Y'all could have blurred his nuts out

or something, come on, now.

- [bell dings] - [laughter]

Shay, can you please tell me what did her dog get into?

I came home from a long day at work.

I had a box of fried chicken,

and I set it on the table,

and I ran upstairs for a quick second.

And when I came back down, the dog is on the table...

- [gasps] - ...eating my box of chicken.

MS. PAT: Oh, my goodness.

So I'm like, no, bad dog, bad dog.

And he got off the table, and he went to the couch,

and he lifted his leg up,

and he started pissing on my couch.

Let me see your evidence.

Here you go.

How much did it cost to get your couch cleaned?

I got the evidence, right here.

It was $435.

[stammering] How many...

[laughter]

For $435, ma'am, you could have bought a love seat

for $200 and threw away this couch.

That's true.

MS. PAT: Let me get one thing straight.

-She's watched your dog before? - Yes.

The dog actually tried to drag me into a lake

when I first watched him.

Do you have proof?

Yes, I got the video.

[in video] No! No, Deuce!

No, Deuce!

[laughter]

Oh, my God!

That's what you get!

ANNOUNCER: Feniece Boone is suing her girlfriend,

Shay Powell, because she said her dog on a diet

got sick from Shay's fried chicken.

Shay's countersuing because

the pescatarian pooch peed on her furniture.

Ms. Pat's ready to settle this pup-pee problem.

Why was she watching your dog in the first place?

I literally went out of town for a big gig,

- skating for Will.i.am. - Okay.

We were shooting a music video.

Okay. Do you have a video of you skating?

I do.

Oh, let me see.

Oh, shit.

[music playing in video]

CARMEN: Oh, she ain't playin'.

Hey!

Man, that girl is innocent, man!

[laughter and applause]

- We got you one. - Come on, Boone.

We here for a dog, not how she hit that split.

[laughter]

All right, come on, help me out here, Karlous.

Look at this dog.

Don't he look like

he know he wasn't supposed to have that?

You see the anger in his face?

If you knew he had a condition,

then you probably would have had some medicine, just in case.

Yes.

Why the hell you didn't pack that dog no fish sandwich?

[laughter]

- Make it make sense. - Make it make sense.

I mean, she can make him something.

And who the hell breed a pit bull

- with a pescatarian, anyway? - [laughter]

- Okay. - I rest my case, Your Honor.

[applause]

Okay.

Ladies, I want you to know I've come to my final decision,

and I'm gonna settle this once and for all.

And I'm ruling in favor of...

...Shay.

What?

Feniece, you are ordered to pay her $435

for your dog pissing on her couch.

You don't have to pay her for watching

because you did not do a good job in watching that dog.

I really think this dog was mad

because he didn't get to finish his chicken dinner.

You lucky he didn't take a [indistinct] on your couch.

[laughter]

The case is settled.

Get out of my courtroom.

Just do that spin, you'll get that money back, easy.

Whoo!

Skate your ass on out of here, get your girl,

get your girl.

That dog was two times this woman's size.

Pulled her in a river, he took her food.

And all she did was say, "Bad dog."

Who says that?

[laughter]

- What the --? - WOMAN: Yes.

- Y'all nasty. - KARLOUS: It's a carton

of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

We don't eat cereal.

- Your baby daddy eating it. - We don't eat cereal.

MS. PAT: You couldn't pay $20

to go to your girlfriend's birthday party?

I ain't know I was her boyfriend.

[laughter]

That's not right, Ms. Pat!

Defamation of character, $50,000.

Busting my body up

after giving birth to him, $30,000.

WOMAN: Amen.

I want my body back.

He literally getting charged

every time he move or breathe in and out.