Original subtitles

- All rise! - Hey, y'all, I'm Ms. Pat,

and I know the inside of a courtroom.

Man, that girl is innocent!

You ain't the damn judge.

Get ready to see real cases.

I want you out of my house.

Real drama and real money on the line.

I gave her my kidney.

Give it back.

And I'm bringing my friends to court as my jury.

Lock her ass up!

Y'all may have started this mess,

but you know I'm gonna settle it.

Ms. Pat, Ms. Pat.

You droppin' teeth.

- MAN: See, that's my tooth. - You smokin' dope.

That was my asthma pump.

Y'all must have a good time together.

- We do. - [laughter]

All rise, because court is back in session.

♪♪♪

She looks like your sweet auntie,

but she'll cuss you out like your drunk uncle.

All rise for Ms. Pat.

♪♪♪

Y'all can sit the hell down.

[laughter]

Now, jury, just remember,

if it sounds too stupid to be true, it probably is.

Ms. Pat, keep your game face on, too.

You been lettin' these people trick you.

- Shut the [bleep] up. - [laughter]

All right, bailiff, go ahead and start, bailiff.

This is the case of Taylor versus Guzman.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff William Taylor

is suing his ex-girlfriend, Janesa,

for $1500, claiming she wrecked his car in a fit of rage.

Defendant Janesa Guzman says

William is just a liar and a cheater.

Plus, he ditched out on a vacation,

leaving her with the bill.

She's only paying what he's worth, nothing.

Before we get started, I just want to let y'all know,

this is a jury of my peers.

They got my back like my breast wrap.

- Tight. - Tight.

[laughter]

MS. PAT: All right, Mr. Taylor,

why are you here today, baby?

Your Honor, we're here today

because I'm suing my ex-girlfriend, Janesa,

for $1500 for the damage to my car.

Now, she's gonna claim that I'm a cheater.

I'm not a cheater, Your Honor.

And that's the reason why she believes that

she won't give me back my money.

MS. PAT: Janesa, let me hear your side of the story.

I don't owe William anything.

For most of our relationship, he lied, he did me dirty.

He kept cheating on me with different females

that supposedly he "worked" with.

And we were supposed to take a trip together,

but since we broke up, we ended up not going,

and I had to pay off by myself.

So I feel like we're even.

How long y'all been together?

- Two years. - Where did it go wrong at?

JANESA: I seen messages between him and his clients.

He was being very flirtatious.

Your Honor, I work out of my house.

I'm a massage therapist,

and I specialize in BBL recovery.

So I have the clients come to me,

and I perform my BBL massage therapy on them.

She claims I was cheating.

She put, like, a hidden camera in my kitchen.

She saw me on camera with a girl,

and I picked her up, and I brought her upstairs.

So you just picking chicks up and taking them upstairs?

No, Your Honor, look--

He was about to smash. I'm not done.

Do you have any proof?

Yeah, I have the video.

CARMEN: Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah, I'm ready.

WILLIAM: Gentleman, gentleman.

I'm a gentleman, I'm a gentleman.

KARLOUS: Now, I seen that before.

That's called a fireman's carry.

- Thank you. - Had the legs wrapped around

- was for stability. - Thank you.

KARLOUS: I see what you're doing, bro,

I see what you're doing, bro.

[laughter]

And that's with a time-stamp.

You do your lymphatic drainage at 10:30 at night?

They need my services, and I'm performing that job.

- 10:30 at night. - I'm performing on you.

I can test it out if you want.

I'll get back with you.

[laughter]

Will you tell me what she did to your car?

So, we got into an argument, calling me a liar,

calling me a cheater.

She grabbed my keys, and she left.

She comes back to the crib,

the car is all messed up.

I got pictures of it, too, Your Honor.

Yeah, let me see your proof.

Look at that.

MS. PAT: [gasps] Oh, my God!

Oh, hell no!

CARMEN: Oh, my God!

You ain't got to do all that to him, ma'am.

All you got to do is take them glasses,

and you got control.

[laughter]

CARMEN: Look at that.

William, how much damage did she do to the car?

$1500.

Let me see your receipts.

Any proof.

Janesa, why don't you think you owe him anything?

We planned a trip together, and then we broke up,

and I paid for the Airbnb when we were supposed to go

half on it, and he still didn't give me the money.

Let me have the receipt.

Okay, how much was the Airbnb, baby?

JANESA: Total paid $1300.

CARMEN: You still trying with this bill?

WILLIAM: That was after she damaged my car.

Why would I want to go on vacation

with somebody who damaged my car?

Put yourself in her shoes, and Safaree, pick her up,

and take her upstairs.

Boy, your glasses are going to fog up so quick.

[laughter]

Stand up, Safaree, open your jacket.

Ahh!

We're not doing that.

Hold on, let me touch it, let me touch it.

We're not doing that.

Come on, come on, come on, bro.

Come on, bro.

[laughter]

MS. PAT: You see how that feels?

- Hold up, man. - That's how she felt.

Okay, I'm going over here to my jury, come on, Karlous.

He don't want it, but he don't want nobody else to have it.

At the end of the day, the same money

that it cost him to get the car fixed

is the same money that she spent at the Airbnb.

Y'all call it even, go back to the hotel,

have sex, make up, and everybody be happy.

have sex, make up, and everybody be happy.

When was the last time y'all had sex?

Probably like, a few weeks ago?

We're not talking about that.

[all talking at once]

Hey!

It's defamation of character!

[all talking at once]

Where the hell did y'all meet, at jail?

[laughter]

All right, with that,

I'm going to make my decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...the defendant, Janesa.

CARMEN: City girls up, baby! Yeah!

What?

Janesa, you don't owe William anything.

Uh-huh.

She damaged your car, but she did pay for the Airbnb.

Now, I just wanted to say, I know you love her,

because when she went over there to touch him, baby...

- He turned into Usain Bolt. - [laughter]

You were willing to get knocked out

by a guy with a fur coat on.

So it's some love there.

I hope y'all can work this thing out.

Y'all go give her a hug.

- SAFAREE: Oh... - ALL: Aw...

Now, I just settled it,

get your scary ass out of here.

[laughter]

- JANESA: Bye. - Bye, sweetheart.

Baby, you put that relationship right on back together.

[laughter]

I wish y'all could have seen her face as she said,

"Let me touch you, let me touch you."

She was like this.

[laughter]

When you seen William, he was like, no!

Dog got into the ham, the rice, macaroni,

- the dessert. - Damn!

CARMEN: This dog must be ferocious.

- Is the dog here? - Yes, actually.

Don't bring him in here. - Uh-uh.

[dog barks]

I was at a really big event, and my wig came off.

When I was doing your hair,

she's talking on the phone to her boyfriend,

talking bull crap about me.

She was like, as soon as she sit down,

this shit gonna slip out.

[laughter]

Hey, jury, how y'all doing?

- CARMEN: Great. - Good.

Nene, I wish I was as pretty as you.

I'm real regular.

And then she flipped the hair when she said it.

That boy got so much hair stuck in his gap.

[laughter]

He don't want to tell you, Nene.

He just keeps swallowing the shit.

Come on, bailiff, let's get it started.

This is the case of Pierre versus Valerius.

Please enter the courtroom.

ANNOUNCER: Plaintiff Winnie Pierre

is suing her cousin Cynthia for $2,550,

the cost of her medical bills and the Thanksgiving dinner

that Cynthia's devilish dog devoured.

The defendant, Cynthia Valerius,

says her cousin's being dramatic.

It was her own actions that ruined the holiday.

She's barking up the wrong tree.

Y'all swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

so help you, God?

MS. PAT: All righty, so, Winnie, tell me why you're here.

I'm here to sue my cousin, Cynthia Valerius,

for $2,550 for ruining my first Thanksgiving

and sending me to the hospital.

What happened?

This was my first Thanksgiving ever.

I had family flying from all over the United States.

She decides to bring her dog.

I didn't invite the dog, mind you.

I'm not a dog parent, I don't know what to do with a dog.

She put the dog in my living room to, you know,

divide the dog from being in the kitchen.

So I get a call, I'm headed to my room,

and I go across the dog gate, but I don't know

if I left it open or what happened.

So on my way coming back from my bedroom,

I'm going to the kitchen, I notice that the dog

is enjoying Thanksgiving dinner.

- Oh, hell no. - WINNIE: Right.

What's your side, Cynthia?

He did not ruin the entire Thanksgiving thing.

I think she's being a bit more dramatic

than she needs to be right now.

He only ate, like, three or four things.

He didn't ruin the whole thing.

How much food did the dog eat?

The dog got into the ham, the rice, macaroni.

- Damn! - The dessert.

- Not the macaroni. - That's a lie, that's a lie.

It was the lasagna, it was a julienne...

and the fried turkey, only those three.

BOTH: The fried turkey?

Oh, no.

So, Winnie, walk me through the second the dog

jump up on the table.

So I go to jump over the gate.

I was trying to save Thanksgiving.

Guess my housecoat got stuck on the gate.

And then I go to catch my balance,

and then my shoulder hits the counter.

If she had properly secured her dog,

I wouldn't have had to struggle with that gate

and injured my life.

Injured your life?

I mean, my life was jeopardized.

Did you go to the hospital?

I did, and my medical bills are, like, $2,000.

Let me see your doctor bills.

NAVV: Be careful with that arm.

CARMEN: Oh, that say, "final notice," baby.

Uh-uh, they want their money now.

You wasn't paying nothing.

She got to pay it, not me.

I'm still catching my breath from that fall.

You probably got asthma.

[laughter]

MS. PAT: So, Cynthia, what made you decide to bring the dog?

- He's a family dog. - WINNIE: He's a bad dog.

Where else is Spirit gonna go?

- MS. PAT: He's bad? - He's horrible.

He's pissing everywhere, he's sniffing everywhere,

he's in everything.

MS. PAT: So what did you do with the food

after you caught the vicious dog eating the food?

We had to dispose everything.

All I know is the visual,

dog, dog, hair, food. It was a wrap.

Let me see the receipt for the food.

Girl, you knew you bought that food,

and you couldn't afford it.

You gonna sue to get the money back.

CARMEN: This big, old dog was hungry, baby.

This dog done ate a 12-pack of chicken wings,

a fried turkey, a whole lasagna.

This dog must be ferocious.

Cynthia, did you offer to pay anything towards the food?

No, I did not, because, like, I helped her

cook the food, so my time and labor was into that.

So let me ask you something, Winnie.

Was you scared of the dog?

He gets a little, like, grr, a little bit sometimes.

- What? - This is a vicious dog.

KARLOUS: You were probably terrified.

You scared of a dog that you let in your own house?

I was bullied into letting him,

because I didn't invite the dog.

Is the dog here?

Yes, actually, the dog is here.

- Don't bring him in here. - Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, no, no, no.

Let's see the vicious dog.

♪♪♪

He's not that bad.

[laughter]

[laughter]

NAVV: Man, Carmen, get over there.

Is this the vicious dog?

He is so cute!

Hi, buddy!

NENE: Oh, my God, look at him.

Oh...

Hey, Spirit.

You got on your little tuxedo jacket.

Now, you saying he mean?

What kind of dog is this?

A Shih Tzu.

Oh, shitty zoo.

[laughter]

This dog got the same little gray beard you got, look.

This is so damn cute! He's so damn cute!

Ma'am, this dog can't even eat a macaroni and not be full.

All right, I'm gonna go to my jury.

Carmen, tell me what you think.

Listen, let's keep it real.

This dog probably ate about 14 dollars worth of food.

That was it.

Now, listen, I'm with you because it's my house.

I make the rules.

It's up to the owner of the dog

to put the dog up in a safe place.

Don't bring it over my house

where I'm about to break my neck.

KARLOUS: Let me see the dog.

Hold up, hold up.

He look like he's still full.

NENE: See what I'm saying?

Everything the sun touches.

CARMEN: This is not "The Lion King"!

Put the dog down.

So, any final remarks before I make my decision?

Your Honor, yes.

I did nearly lose my life.

I did lose a lot of money on my food.

I'm just asking you to be fair with me this evening.

And any final remarks from you, Cynthia?

So, she's always had issues with that shoulder, okay?

So, it was an actual sprain due to reoccurring injury

when she fell over the gate.

MS. PAT: All right, y'all.

So, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in the favor of...

...the plaintiff, Winnie.

Cynthia, you need to pay her $225, half of that grocery bill

because your dog messed up Thanksgiving.

And I'm not awarding you anything for your doctor bill.

Shit happens.

Let's put all of this behind us.

Y'all cousins.

Y'all fighting over a dog.

Don't you miss each other?

Give her a hug.

[applause]

All right, y'all, I just settled it.

Get out of my courtroom.

Thank you, Your Honor.

KARLOUS: In Mississippi, a dog will wind up in your yard,

and then you feed him, and that's your dog.

Karlous, that's stealing.

Mid-interview, my wig came off.

What celebrity hair have you done?

I've done Rennie Rucci, Big Licks, Mehgan James.

Have you did Nene Leakes' hair?

Not yet.

- Honey, listen. - [laughter]

How you doing today, jury?

- I'm great. - Uhh... be honest.

Who only here because they owe me a favor?

[laughter]

I might-- Do I owe you favor?

MS. PAT: Come on, bailiff, start, bailiff.

This is the case of James versus Roberson.

Please enter the courtroom.

Plaintiff Mehgan James is suing her friend and hairstylist

for $5,000 for lost wages when her quick weave fell out,

preventing her from completing interviews.

Defendant Qualitesha Roberson asserts that Mehgan James

loved her hair when it was finished.

She thinks the weave fell out

because she sat on it excessively

and didn't properly care for it.

Therefore, Qualitesha owes her nothing.

- ...so help you, God? - Yes.

- So, Ms. James... - Mm-hmm.

...and Qualitesha.

Qualitesha.

What you want your pronouns to be in this courtroom?

He, she, they, I'm God, bitch.

I don't care what nobody call me.

Ms. James, tell me why you're here today.

I'm here today suing Qualitesha for ruining my hair.

I got booked to do correspondence

for one of the biggest music festivals in America.

And mid-interview, my wig came off.

I had to cancel the rest of my day

and I lost out on my $5,000.

Did you get paid per interview?

The minimum was ten interviews per day.

I didn't complete my ten interviews,

so I didn't get paid at all.

Oh, wow.

Tell me what happened, Qualitesha.

I'm getting sued by her for a service

that I did last minute.

And I drove three hours away to come do her hair.

And also, she didn't even pay for nothing.

She only paid for gas and supplies.

So, you didn't pay anything to get your hair done.

You paid her no money.

He wanted to do my hair in exchange for content.

He got a million views on that video,

so I did my part, he didn't do his part,

and that's why I'm suing him.

How many followers did you have?

I have 1.2 million followers.

Can you post my show in Atlantic City?

Yes, ma'am, I got you, Ms. Pat.

Is this what you do for a living?

Yes, I am a celebrity hairstylist.

I go by Qualitesha because everything I do is qualified.

What celebrity hair have you done?

I've done Rennie Rucci, Big Licks, Mehgan James.

Have you did Nene Leakes' hair?

Not yet.

- Honey, listen. - [laughter]

MS. PAT: Can I see some of your work, Qualitesha?

QUALITESHA: Yes, ma'am.

- CARMEN: That's nice. - MS. PAT: Okay.

So, do you braid or do you do quick weave?

I'm a braider.

She asked me to do braids in the front,

quick weave in the back.

Ms. Pat, that's a lie.

When he came to my house, I was like, you know,

give me some cute braids.

He was like, no, you're going on a red carpet.

Like, you need to look the part.

He ends up doing the hairstyle,

and any Black girl that I know that gets weaved,

they leave out a slither of hair to cover the track.

- Of course. - [laughter]

How you know?

Qualitesha is going to send me on my way

with my track showing in that hairstyle.

Do you have any pictures?

Yes, ma'am, I do have proof.

Oh, I see your track showing.

- Yeah, you can see it. - This ain't right, Qualitesha.

And I understand that. However, I fixed that.

The next picture, we couldn't see no tracks.

- Yes. - Oh, the hair was cute.

Your track is covered here.

CARMEN: Yeah, that's how an up-down looks.

That slipped down.

So I had to borrow a hat from a stranger,

because I couldn't secure the wig,

there was no hairstylist in the middle of nowhere.

And this is text messages after I told Qualitesha

what happened to my wig.

Okay. Let's fix it.

- "Bitch...!" - [laughter]

"I just sat down to do my interview,

"and the entire back of my wig came off.

I told you I did not want this style."

"Girl, go put a hat on."

You sound like you didn't care.

I didn't care no more because of the fact

when I was doing her hair, she's talking on the phone

to her boyfriend, talking all types of bull crap about me.

What was she saying, Qualitesha?

She was saying, "I'm so tired of sitting here.

"He's taking so long.

He don't even know what he's doing."

So I'm getting humiliated while I'm doing her hair.

Were you talking about her to your man?

Yes, because I'm not fake.

Girl, you don't even know.

Ooh...

ANNOUNCER: Influencer Mehgan James

is suing hairstylist Qualitesha Roberson

for $5,000 because her weave fell out

when she was hosting a red carpet event.

Qualitesha says she's not to blame,

so she's not going to pay.

Miss Pat's going to untangle this hairy mess.

Were you talking about her to your man?

Yes, because I'm not fake.

Girl, you don't even know.

Ooh...

You was that bold to sit there while she's doing your hair

and talk about her?

That was kind of rude.

She was like, as soon as she sit down,

this shit going to slip out.

[laughter]

But again, I don't understand how it came out.

You didn't glue it down right, Qualitesha.

I used so much glue, Ms. Judge Pat.

Listen, I used the Elmer's glue.

CARMEN: Well, that's the problem!

Jesus Christ.

- QUALITESHA: Not Elmer's glue. - What?

It's black glue, for the lashes.

You got to use hair glue.

- It was hair glue. - You said, for the lashes.

All right, I'm going to go to my jury-- Deray?

It's like driving a car off the lot,

you gave her a car, and the car was beautiful.

And then once she pulled off the lot,

all the wheels fell off.

If this whole wig fall off right now,

I'm going to sit my bald-headed ass right here

and continue to tell these jokes.

I'm not letting nothing get between me and my bag.

You should have toughed it out,

and because you made the decision to not do that,

that's not her fault.

MS. PAT: And with that said, I've come to my final decision,

and I'm going to settle this once and for all.

I'm ruling in favor of...

...the plaintiff, Mehgan James.

Qualitesha, you're ordered to pay Mehgan $5,000.

Your hair shouldn't fall off on the red carpet.

You got to look your best, because if not,

they'd be talking about you the next day.

You made her miss out on a whole day of work,

and you had the nerve to say, "Girl, put on a hat

and keep going."

Next time, Qualitesha, do more quality.

Good job, girl. Crybaby.

Get out of here, I just settled it.

- QUALITESHA: Bye, jury. - [applause]

I keep everything in my bag.

I even got false teeth, and I don't even need them.

- [laughter] - I'm serious.

One temporary crown is in my bag

in case my teeth start to fall apart.

I got a temporary Crown Royal.

[laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Next time on "Ms. Pat Settles It"...

My freeloading niece, she owes me $4,000 in rent.

I gave her my kidney.

What?

The thing don't even work like it should.

- Give it back. - [laughter]

He got me and my floor messed up.

MS. PAT: Do you have a license?

MAN: I got a driver's license.

I ain't got the license license you talk I need.

I don't even believe that driver's license no good, Pat.

My dog ate something he wasn't supposed to.

He had a fungus on his skin.

Y'all could have blurred his nuts out or something.

- Come on, now. - [laughter]