Original subtitles

Paris, 1900...

"La Belle �poque."

What peace... what bliss!

Not even a ripple seemed to disturb the even tenor of each day.

...really, that's all I need. Now you accuse me! Oh, it's monstrous!

I really must ask you to lower your voice. The neighbors!

A monster, who drags me away from my home in Pisa...

...and who leaves me here day after day, abandoned in the suburbs!

And now you calmly tell me you're going to spend the night in town, at the hotel!

At the hotel! Oh! It�s too much!

Marcelle!

All I can say is thank you. Thank you very much!

Marcelle!

Marcelle, I told you myself it�s to do with my work.

It�s an important architectural survey, and they need an expert.

An expert indeed!

And what, may I ask, will you �survey� in a Paris hotel in the middle of the night?

If you must know, I shall examine the room where the mad countess Bradelini died

about 20 years ago, under very mysterious circumstances.

They say it�s haunted by ghosts who make noises in the night.

Noises in the night? Ha ha ha! A likely story!

You may well laugh.

Naturally I told them it must be faulty construction, probably drains,

but the tenant wishes to break the lease, and the landlord won�t agree.

So the courts have appointed me as an expert to arbitrate.

I have no alternative but to spend the night there and see for myself.

An expert on ghosts!

Really, Henri! Do you take me for a fool?

Well, one thing is absolutely clear...

It�s the beginning of the end!

Where are you going now?

I�m going to water my cacti.

I suppose you think this house runs itself while you're gallivanting about in hotels!

Once and for all, what is the matter with you?

I�ll tell you what is the matter!

You�re making my life insupportable, that�s all!

I am? I do everything possible to make you happy!

Me, happy?! Ha ha ha! I like that!

You�re out all day, then in the evening back you come, exhausted...

with hardly a word for your wife.

Then early to bed and off to sleep.

Do you think I married you just to look after your house?

That�s what I�ve become, a glorified cook-general.

It�s tantamount to desertion!

Don�t exaggerate! I spend all day climbing scaffoldings, crawling under floors.

Naturally I�m exhausted, dammit, woman!

Henri, Henri!

Who asked your opinion?

Will you please keep your nose out of this?

It�s alright for you engineers,

working comfortably at home in carpet slippers...

Boniface!

What�s all this noise?

What is going on?

Oh, Angelique! You�re the living witness to what I have to put up with.

Oh, my dear, wait until you�ve been married 20 years as I have.

Well now of course, the whole neighborhood is joining in!

I�ve had about enough of this!

I�m off to town, I shan�t be back until tomorrow morning.

And I�m looking forward to a little peace and quiet!

Henri! You�re making a big mistake.

You mind your business, Sir, and I will mind mine!

A very good afternoon to you all!

Oh, my poor child. My heart bleeds for you with such a husband.

If ever Boniface took it into his head to behave like that to me...

What then, my dear?

I wouldn�t waste a second!

What would you do?

Do? Throw myself into the arms of the first man that came my way!

Oh, Ang�lique, you wouldn�t.

I most certainly would!

He�d be crushed to death.

- Oh, good day, Monsieur Boniface. - Good day, Maxime.

I beg your pardon, Monsieur Boniface, but I�m up against a very tricky problem

regarding the installation of drains in early 18th century houses.

I can find nothing of value in my uncle�s library,

and I was wondering, perhaps one of your books might shed some light on the subject.

It�s quite possible; go in and have a look.

- Are you sure it�s no bother, Sir? - Certainly, certainly.

Oh, thank you, Monsieur Boniface! It�s really too kind!

Ah, Madame Cot... If only you knew!

Knew? What?

For months now a certain person has watched you wilting here,

like a beautiful Italian rose.

This man has harbored an admiration for your loveliness for which there is only one word...

Passion!

Really? And who is this man?

- Me! - You!?

Madame Cot, you don�t know how it offends me to hear you insulted.

You, the most exquisite of women...

Oh, now really, Monsieur Boniface! You forget yourself!

I am a respectable married woman!

Think of my duty!

There are times when duty must be forgotten.

- When? - Now!

Your husband�s neglect has set you free.

You�re right!

Teach him a lesson. Take your revenge!

Absolutely! We must do something! We must...

We must dine together tonight in a restaurant.

Yes, yes!

In a public restaurant!

Yes, and then perhaps a discrete little rendezvous?

Oh no, Monsieur. Not that! Never!

Oh, Madame Cot! Have you forgotten the public outrage you�ve just endured?

Your revenge must be swift and deadly.

Right! I�ll teach him!

I�ll show you what a man should be.

Strong, tender, and terrible in his passion!

Well, Monsieur Boniface!

You may be rather plain, but you certainly have a way with women!

Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. I�ll meet you somewhere.

Where?

I haven�t the faintest idea!

Well, really! You�d better think quickly!

We can�t go wandering about the streets all night!

I�ll find somewhere, somehow. I promise!

I should hope so!

Boniface!

My wife...!

My precious one... Adieu!

Boniface!

You�ll be drenched! What are you doing?

Watering the flowers!

Oh. Found what you want, Maxime?

- Oh yes, thank you so much, Monsieur Boniface. - Good, good.

Beg pardon, Monsieur.

Granted.

Neglected old buildings in Paris? Well I never!

You interested in old buildings?

Insofar as they concern the installation of drainage.

I know some old buildings. Very old.

Been there for at least 50 years. They�re as old as sin.

Really?

- Would you like me to show 'em to you? - Oh, most certainly, certainly!

- But when? - Tonight?

Well I�m afraid I have to catch the 11 o�clock train.

You see, term ended yesterday and I have to return to my parents� house in Marseille.

Oh, go on!

Oh! I say!

In some peculiar way that was rather agreeable!

- And I can�t think why. - Can�t you?

You look much better like that, all fluffed up a bit.

Really?

There. Can�t you see me without your specs?

Yes... In fact, rather better.

Well, why wear 'em then?

It�s alright then for this evening?

But what about my train?

Oh, don�t worry, it won�t take us all night to visit those old buildings.

What a curious girl!

- Monsieur, Madame Boniface. - Merci, thanks.

- Your magazine, Monsieur. - Thank you.

It�s going to be diffi, diffi, diffi, diffi-difficult...

Victoire?

I shan�t be in for dinner tonight.

Very well, Madame.

What�s that, my love? You are out to dinner?

Where are you off to?

To my sister. In Ville de Bray. She�s not at all well.

If she�s no better by the time I get there, I may have to stay the night.

Circulars for hotels!

Disgraceful! Sending out such things.

Hotels?

It ought to be prohibited! Listen to this...

�Sleep in security at the Hotel Paradiso."

"Recommended to people who are married, together or separately.�

Together or separately?

- Does it really say that? - See for yourself.

- �Rooms at all prices.� - �Large discount for seasonal bookings.�

- Abominable! - Abominable is the word!

It�s a miracle.

Madam, there�s a gentleman here asking to see you.

- What sort of gentleman? - A Monsieur Martin.

Martin! Up from the country! Our old friend Martin.

Ask him to come right up. And take these filthy things away.

Yes, madam. Will you be needing them again?

Needing them? I should think not indeed!

Martin in Paris! The dear fellow.

Remember all his hospitality in Valence?

Yes! Putting us up for a whole fortnight.

Such a charming man, and what a brilliant talker!

Well, naturally my dear; a barrister.

Well, well, well, well, well, come in, come in, my dear Martin.

What a lovely surprise.

Here Victoire, take his hat and coat and put them in the hall.

- You must be soaked! - Do sit down, make yourself at home.

Oh, my dear friends, I was looloo... I was looloo...

- What�s that? - I say I was looloo...

looking forward to seeing you again.

You must be tired, my dear fellow, do sit down.

But I am ho ho... ho ho...

What on earth�s the matter with him?

You must admit you dididi... didn�t expect to see me!

For heaven�s sake, Monsieur Martin, what�s the matter? Has something happened to you?

Wuwuwu... why?

Well, it seems to me that uh... it�s not very noticeable of course, but er...

that you have a slight difficulty in speaking.

Ah!

When we were staying with you, we didn�t notice anything. On the contrary!

Last sususu... summer, dudu... during those two weeks,

the wuwuwu... weather was sssusu...

was susu...

The weather was so so...?

Wait, I haven�t fufufu... finished.

The weather was susu susu...

...perb!

Yes, of course.

- When the weather is su-su... - Perb! - I speak like anyone else.

Oh, come now!

But when, like today, it rains caca... caca... caca...

Cabbages?

No, caca... cats and dogs, immediately my little imp...

- My little imp... - Your little imp?

My little impe-pe... impediment comes on.

- How very peculiar. - A walking barometer.

But where there�s a hurri... hurri... hurricane, not a word comes out.

Well, anyway, my dear Martin, it�s extremely nice to see you.

I haven�t forgotten what you said to me last sumsumsum... summer...

�Whenever you�re in Paris, you must sttt... stay with us.�

Yes, yes of course, stay as long as you like.

Two, three days... er, do stay at least three days.

- Oh no! - Oh yes!

- Please do. - Oh nnnnno!

Martin, I shall be cross!

No! A mmmmmonth!

A month?!

I�ve been looking forward to the privi...

to the privi...

To the what?!

- To the privilege! - Too kind of you!

Not at all! I hope I�m not pupupu... putting you out.

No, a simple bachelor like you, with just a suitcase...

Hahaha, but I�ve brought a surprise for you!

A surprise?! How charming! He thinks of everything.

Madame! They�re bringing in a trunk!

Th-th that'll be mine.

Good heavens! What an enormous trunk!

It�s a monument!

More!?

Those are mine too!

1, 2, 3, 4... But I don�t understand!

This is where the surprise begins!

The surprise? Oh, Monsieur Martin, this is going too far!

Your kindness is out of all proportion!

Oh, let�s open them now!

- Whwhwhwhy!? - Why?

- To get at the surprise! - Oh n-n-n-n-no!

He wants to keep us in suspense!

5 trunks full of surprise!

What can you have brought us in all of those!? What can it be?

Victoire, take the drivers down into the kitchen and give them a glass of wine!

Right you are, Madame. This way.

I�ve known people to be generous in my time,

but generosity on this scale reaches a point of incommens-inconsem-incamood...

Incommensurability!

- Bravo! - I never stutter for other people.

- That would be for me! - For you?

That�s the surprise.

You don�t know my d-d-daughters, do you?

Your daughters?

I was a lonely bachelor when you stayed with me last ssssumsumsum... summer.

But ever since the death of poor Madame Martin eight years ago,

my ddd... daughters have been brought up in a cc... convent,

but they've just closed it down.

So I said to myself, the BB... Bonifaces have never met the children,

I�ll give them a surprise, I�ll bring my ddd... daughters with me.

You mean they are the surprise!?

But of course!

But what about the trunks?

My ddddd... daughters� luggage!

- Come on in, come on in, my chil... chil... chil... chil... - Dren!

- It�s an invasion, an invasion! - A stampede!

Now you know how often I�ve spoken to you of my friends Monsieur and Madame

- Boni... Boni... Boni... - face!

Well, there they are! Go and give them a kiss!

Very charming. We didn�t know you had any children.

All mine!

What are you going to do with them? Are they en route for another convent?

Oh ddd... dear me, no!

- But where are they going to stay? - Well, here!

Here?! Oh no, no, my dear fellow... out of the question.

But you yourself said...

Oh yes, I know, my dear fellow, I said do stay with us. Well, everyone says that.

It�s just good manners!

You took me at my word. Good, you came. Fine!

But not en masse like this, with a battalion!

What do you think this house is, a barracks?

Well, if I thought it was a bbb... barracks, I wouldn�t bring my ddd... daughters here!

Excuse me for a moment, I want a word with my husband.

It�s all your fault, being so free with your invitations!

My fault? I like that! You were the one who said we�ve got to do it,

we�ve spent a whole fortnight with him,

we can�t get out of inviting him.

I only said that because I knew he wouldn�t accept!

Well it�s not my fault that he did accept!

Of course it�s your fault!

If you had been content to ask him politely in an off-hand sort of way,

then you would've made the gesture and he would never have come.

But, oh no, you had to insist!

You went on and on at it until, in the end, the poor wretch simply had to come!

Well if I understand ccc... correctly, we had all better move on...

I�m afraid so, my dear fellow, there simply isn�t room for you all.

And now you really must forgive me, my dear friend, but I must leave you.

I have to visit my sister who is not at all well

and I must go and get ready, so au revoir.

Au revoir, Madame.

Au revoir! Au revoir! Au revoir!

Well then, Monsieur BBBoniface, we�d better be off!

I�ll go and see about your luggage.

If only we knew the address of a good hotel...

Victoire! Tell the porters to take those trunks and put them back in the carriage.

Very well, Monsieur.

Ah! Madame Cot!

What are all these trunks doing here?

Nothing, nothing. I�m having them taken away.

I�ve found exactly what we are looking for! Hotel Paradiso, 220 Rue de Provence.

Hotel Paradiso, 220 Rue de Provence!

Oh, thank you!

Ah, Martin! Oh, don�t thank me, my dear fellow.

I am only so sorry we can�t put you up.

Oh, may I present our neighbor, Madame Cot?

This is Monsieur Martin and his progeny.

How do you, Madame Cot?

How do you do, Madame Cot? How do you do?

Well, we bbbbetter be on our way there.

- Where? - Why, to the hotel!

Oh, a hotel! Oh yes, my dear fellow. Well, er goodbye once again.

Good bye! Good bye! Good bye!

Well, goo-goo-goo-goo... Oh!... Pffft!

Well, what next?

Meet me in half an hour at the Place Vend�me, south side.

Right. Is Maxime still here?

- In the dining room. - Well, he�d better get packed!

Madame Cot.

- Marcelle! - In half an hour.

- What�s this? - It�s your dinner.

Victoire is out tonight.

Incidentally, I don�t think I shall dine at home this evening.

I think I shall treat myself to a nice little dinner in a restaurant.

You�ll do nothing of the sort! I won�t allow it!

Why, what�s wrong with that?

Because you�re a married man!

Married men do not dine in restaurants without their wives!

Is that so?

I should think not indeed!

What would people think if they saw you in a restaurant?

What do you think they would think?

The day you choose to go to a restaurant, you go there with me.

Tonight, you dine at home!

Whether you like it or not, tonight I am dining in a restaurant!

- Oh no, you won�t! - Oh yes, I will! - You won�t! - I will!

We�ll soon see about that!

- Give it to me, give it to me! - Never!

Give it to me, give me that key!

Never! En garde, Monsieur Boniface!

There! There and there! ...And there!

Touch�! Good night, Monsieur Boniface!

I�ll see you in the morning!

Let me out! Let me out!

She shot the bolt!

Coachman!

Coachman!

Disgraceful!

Stop! Look!

Rein in, rein in! Look! Good heavens! The road�s blocked!

Oh! Come back!

Oh, no...

Whoa... whoa... whoa!

Extraordinary performance, eh?

Oh yes! So artistic!

Here�s to folly!

- Ah, yes, a cigar! - Shhh!

Such dignity, such... femininity!

And to think she is the mother of three children,

and her husband's a professor at the Sorbonne!

Oh, Marcelle...

How I�d like to see you up there..!

I've no head for heights.

And what sort of a woman do you take me for?

I�m sure we�ll meet someone we know here.

Boniface, please let�s go.

To our little rendezvous...

Oh yes, yes. But we�d better hurry!

We must both be back home by midnight.

Supposing your wife gets back tonight?

Her sister may be better.

Let�s hope not!

Welcome, Signor, to the Hotel Paradiso!

You are expecting someone, hm?

I can guess the gentleman�s requirements.

A cosy little nest, where a pretty lady will be at her ease?

Thank you, no, I am not expecting anybody. You are expecting me.

I am Monsieur Cot, the expert appointed by the Board of Sanitation.

Oh, si, si, si, of course, of course!

For the haunted room of the unhappy countess.

She was a great lady, Monsieur Cot.

Since her death, it is the pure witchcraft.

Just so. Where is the room?

This way, Signor.

On the first floor.

Every night there are the most ghastly sounds.

The walls crack, the furniture hops in the air.

Just so, just so.

Here we are, Monsieur.

Oh, I am glad it is you who is sleeping the night in here and not myself.

What are all these beds doing here?

Ah, Monsieur. It was absolutely hopeless letting this room,

so I tried putting the service personnel to sleep in here.

But no. Every damn one has left.

And the new bellboy, he is hopeless, it�s a curse.

It seems perfectly quiet in here.

For the momento, si. But when midnight strikes, then starts the hullaballoo.

- Good night, Signor. - Good evening.

Now let me see...

cigars, brush...

Hey, hey you! Get yourself moving!

What�s up?

You heard the bell, no?

What bell?

When the client pulls the bell, you see the number and get yourself there prestissimo!

Oh, I see...

Well what the hell you waiting for? Get going!

- Hey, you haven�t seen the number of the room! - What number?

It is the number 22, you fool! Next time you look at the bells!

Aiuto presto!

Boy, do you have some playing cards?

Mr Agnello...

Mr Agnello, sir!

What do you think I just saw, in number 22?

What?

A female! In the nude!

My boy! You are not in the countryside no more... You are in metropolis!

Now go and give a knock on numero 27.

What! The Turk�s room?

He not pay his bill for too damn long.

You keep his trunk and then kick him out.

Give him the boot!

Who, me?!

That�s what I said. Oh... There is some trade downstairs.

Ah! La grande Antoinette!

The queen of song!

Welcome!

- He�s a duke. - A duke!? My complimenti!

Welcome, Monsieur le Duke.

I must find a nice little nest where the gentleman will be at his ease.

[SPEAKING TURKISH]

You will tell that fool upstairs to return my trunks immediately!

You�ll get the trunk when we'll get the money.

We�ll see whether you change your mind when the police arrive!

- Police?! - Basta! Basta!

Oh, I say!

- It�s an old dump! - It�s a lie!

We will soon see about that!

You�ll be hearing from me before the night�s out!

Oh, I say!

Take it or not, Mademoiselle,

that man would never dare show his face to the police, no.

Ah! Now I can give you his room, it is beautiful!

- Monsieur? - I am Monsieur Feydeau, Georges Feydeau.

Ah si, si, Monsieur, I got your message. Your room is ready.

Numero 21 on the second floor.

Feydeau!

Oh, Monsieur is alone?

Quite alone, thank you.

Now if you�ll permit, I lead the way.

It is a nice little nest, superb.

You will be quite at home, Signor le Duke.

Oh, I say!

Very cozy and quiet, Mademoiselle.

Here we are, numero 9.

Pleasant dreams. Good night, Mademoiselle.

- Good night! - Good night, Monsieur le Duke.

Now listen, my boy.

If you�re have the trouble with the customers, like with that damn Turk,

then you take a peep.

A peep? But how?

Ha, how? Bambino!

Now what do you think that�s for?

A drill? For making holes.

Perfetto!

When something spells the trouble...

Tutto! I see it all!

Anybody there?

Concierge!

Why, it�s beastly, your hotel!

Well, it�s a little old-fashioned perhaps.

But then, in a smart hotel we might have been recognized,

whereas here we won�t run into anybody we know.

That�s true.

Anyway, what matters the hotel, when it brings the two of us together?

Evening... Good evening, Signor, Good evening, Signorina.

I can guess the gentleman�s requirement.

Oh yes, a nice little nest where the lady will be at her ease.

Follow me please.

A beautiful room where the princess of Poland spend her honeymoon with her Lord Chamberlain.

You see, the very best people stay here!

This way please, Monsieur, Madame. This way, numero 11.

Ah?! Whatever�s that?

Oh, nothing, Signorina, nothing. Take no notice!

Come in, please.

You go out, Signor?

Yes, it�s too early for bed. I shall go to the cafe nearby and have a glass of beer.

I�ll be back in half an hour.

- Ah, Marcelle... - Ah, Boniface...

No, no! Not Boniface! Not any longer. Call me Benedict!

- Alright, Benedict. - Yes, Benedict! Oh, Marcelle!

I adore you!

Do be careful! I�m swallowing your cigar smoke!

Can�t you throw it away?

Well, they charged me 40 sous for it, so I really should smoke it to the end.

Ah well, never mind.

And what about my dress?

How do you like it?

You would look desirable in any dress.

And even more desirable, out of it!

Oh! Monsieur Boniface! It�s a new one!

Oh, who cares about the dress?

Does one even glance at the box which contains the bonbon?

Marcelle, it�s only you that I seek. I want you!

Oh, good gracious! Whatever�s come over you?

Oh, Monsieur Boniface! Benedict, please!

I want you, I tell you, I tell you, I want you!

Oh, whatever�s the matter with you? I�ve never seen you like this!

Come now, Benedict, pull yourself together!

The champagne must have gone to your head!

Oh! I don�t care what�s gone to my head!

It�s you, it�s the dinner, the champagne, the cigar...

I want you, I tell you, I tell you, I want you!

You haven�t hurt yourself, have you?

Me? Not a bit!

I did it on purpose.

Rotten chair.

If they only provide one, they might at least see that it�s in a proper condition.

Out with it! Out! Out!

And stay out!

Lord! Number eleven�s chair.

I wonder who done that?

Oh, sorry sir, I didn�t know this room was taken.

I was just putting this chair back.

Oh really, this is too much! I�ve seen quite enough of that chair.

But sir, it belongs in here!

It does, does it? Well, take it out of here, take it out!

Oh Lord!

- I feel rather strange. - What�s the matter?

A kind of cold sensation on the top of my head.

Oh, it�s just emotion. It�ll go in a minute.

Ah, Marcelle... at last we are alone, just the two of us!

If only you could see how my heart is pounding with love for you!

It�s pounding, it�s pounding...

It really is pounding!

You�ve gone quite pale! Boniface! Benedict! Oh, my dear!

Oh, I feel very peculiar, very peculiar indeed!

Sit down, my dear, sit down!

Where? Where? Now there�s no chair?

Well sit there, on the table!

Oh, Marcelle...

You must excuse this little setback.

It�ll soon pass. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

It was the cigar. I knew it. And the champagne.

And I never touch anything but water.

Oh, my poor dear!

This would happen when my wife's nowhere near to help.

- For heaven�s sake, do sit still! - No, no, I must walk about.

Well, take your coat off!

I�ll go and get you a glass of water.

Thank you, my dear.

Wait!

What can it be?

What�s the matter now?

I don�t know...

A sort of sharp sensation at the base of my spine.

That�s a good sign. The circulation is starting again.

Whatever is it? What do you feel?

I felt a sharp stabbing pain, as though someone were boring a hole into me!

- Where? - At the base of my spine!

Merciful heavens! It sounds like a cerebral haemorrhage!

- We should send for a doctor. - Oh, no!

No... no... no... I... I just need air.

And a cup of tea.

Boy! Boy... there you are. Is there a balcony or terrace somewhere?

I must have air.

Next floor up, sir.

Down the first corridor and straight on up.

Boy! Boy! Please bring a hot water bottle for the gentleman.

A hot water bottle? Yes.

And get some tisane, some tea, anything!

Tea... Yes...

Right away.

Well, here we are children, come along, come along!

I can�t imagine what induced Madame Cot to recommend this hotel.

This really has the appearance of a most undesirable neighborhood.

Still, it�s getting late, we have to spend the night somewhere.

Come along, come along!

Well, there doesn�t seem to be anyone here to receive the guests.

Where�s the manager?

Here we are, ma'am.

You don�t think the gentleman will catch cold up there on the balcony?

Oh no, ma'am, it�s stopped raining. It�s quite balmy out.

Boy! Ah, boy...

We�ve been waiting about downstairs for hours.

I�ve been recommended here by Madame Cot.

Madame who?

I want two rooms. One for myself, and one for my daughters.

Now what have you to offer us?

Oh, lord!

We haven�t got enough room for...

I�ve got it! The room of the old countess.

Countess? Which countess?

The Countess Brandelini.

Oh yes, of course.

She died here many moons ago.

Indeed? Poor woman.

This way, sir. It�s a nice large room.

Well, here we are then.

But it�s a dormitory!

Well, it�s all we have, sir. But wait!

There�s a nice big toilet.

But I can�t share a room with my daughters!

Well, sir...

If you pop into the big bed first,

you could draw the curtains,

while the young ladies get into bed.

And what do you charge for this dormitory?

Oh well, let�s see now...

7 francs, no extras.

Well, that sounds reasonable enough. Very well, that�s settled, we�ll take it.

Fine. Good night, sir. Good night, girls.

Good night, boy!

We�ll leave our trunks downstairs. We�ll be moving off in the morning.

Very well, sir. Good night.

- Good night. - Good night. Good night.

Come along children, go and get ready for bed.

Oh, gracious me, we�ve only one lamp!

Boy!

Madame Cot!

Monsieur Martin!

I can�t be wrong, it is Madame Cot.

Oh no, no, no, no! Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Well, I had the pleasure of meeting you this morning at the home of M. Boniface.

Come here children, look who�s here! It's Madame Cot.

Hello, Madame Cot! Oh, it�s so nice to meet you, Madame Cot!

Madame Cot, your tea kettle�s boiling over.

Oh, now he knows my name...!

Tea? But I don�t understand. Do you live here, Madame?

Who, me? Certainly not! That is to say...

Well, my husband�s staying here. We are moving, you know, from the villa.

So, for the time being...

Madame Cot, the water�s boiling!

Yes, I heard you! Oh, forgive me, Monsieur Martin, my kettle calls!

I would have liked to have offered you a cup but...

Tea? But that would be delightful, a thousand thanks!

Girls, come along, girls.

Hurrah for tea! Hurrah for tea! Hurrah for tea!

Well, all this looks very nice.

Boy, we shall need some more cups.

Oh, but it�s charming in here!

Oh yes, it is, isn�t it? Do sit down.

Well, we�d love to, but there seems to be a slight scarcity of chairs.

Oh, that�s true, that�s very true! Hahaha!

Here are the cups!

Boy! We shall need some more chairs.

Right away, sir.

Now go along, girls, give the boy a hand.

Now Madame, if you�ll allow me, let me fill the pot.

Oh, there you are. Put them down. That�s right.

I�ll go on and get the bottle now, Ma'am.

What bottle?

Well, the hot water bottle for the sick gentleman.

Oh! Yes, yes, off you go. Do sit down everybody, do sit down.

And tell me, Madame, are things going well with you in general?

Oh, but of course. Everything�s going beautifully.

Now, come along children, make yourselves useful. Serve the tea.

And what about our old friend Boniface? Do you see a great deal of him?

Oh, no! Hardly at all!

You know how it is with one�s acquaintances in Paris.

Boniface, my dear friend! Come in, come in!

Why, we were just talking about you!

- Yes, we were... Good evening! - Good evening, Madame Cot.

And how are you?

Actually, I had a little business in this part of the town,

so I said I must drop in and say hello to Madame Cot.

What a delightful thought!

Oh how nice, how very nice!

Tell me, old man, do you usually go out in your shirt sleeves?

I had an enormous tear in my coat.

So I took it in to the tailor�s nearby, to be seen to...

and I said to myself, while it�s being done, I must drop in and say hello to Madame Cot.

- Oh. - How very, very nice.

Oh yes, it was, it was!

Well, do sit down everybody.

Thank you.

- Cup of tea, Monsieur Boniface? - Oh, thank you so much.

- Sugar, Monsieur Boniface? - Thank you so much.

What a sweet tooth you have, Monsieur Boniface!

Oh, thank you so much.

Well now, tell me the news? What�s new in Paris?

Well, it�s a republic.

All goes well with your wife, since this afternoon?

Splendidly, splendidly. And yours too?

But you know very well she�s been dead for eight years!

Of course, of course! Oh, believe me, I...

Here you are, sir, here's your hot water bottle.

Your bottle?

Why yes, as a matter of fact.

Whenever I come to this hotel, I always order one of their hot water bottles.

They're very well known here for their hot water bottles.

Very well known.

- Didn�t you know? - No.

Oh... My wife said, if ever you�re passing the Hotel Paradiso,

you must get me one of their hot water bottles.

Really? That�s most interesting.

- What's that, sir? But I never... - Oh, who spoke to you? Be off! Be off!

Well, dear lady, I can see you�re very tired,

so if you�ll excuse me, I�ll take my leave.

My dear Monsieur Boniface, a thousand thanks for...

Oh, you�re tired! But you should�ve said so.

Come on, girls, take the chairs and then go back to our room.

- We mustn�t overstay our welcome. - Goodnight, Mrs Cot.

Au revoir, good lady, and goodnight.

- Goodnight, Madame Cot. - Come along, children, hurry up.

- Come along. That�s right, dear. - Goodnight, Madame Cot.

I�ll slip downstairs to put them off the scent, and come straight back.

Oh, yes.

Heavens, what a lesson!

Au revoir, my dear Boniface!

And don�t forget to give my best wishes to Madame Boniface.

I won�t forget, I won�t forget.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

- Goodnight, Monsieur Boniface! - Goodnight, Monsieur Boniface!

Oh, boy!

We must leave this hotel immediately. You�d better prepare my bill.

- You don�t need the room for tonight? - Certainly not!

Oh dear! Oh dear!

Hurry up into the bathroom and get ready for bed.

And not too much noise, please! There are people sleeping.

Bless my soul, what a splendid set of things for the toilette!

Really quite luxurious!

And cigars!

Regalias!

You know, I think this hotel is going to do us very well!

I like this homely old-fashioned atmosphere.

Yes, papa, it�s lovely.

And a nightgown! And slippers! Really, they think of everything these days.

I can�t imagine how they make it all pay.

No, papa.

There�s only one thing missing, one of their famous hot water bottles!

I must call the boy and get one.

(M)'sieur! Hurry!

- Oh, it�s you! - Well yes.

As a matter of fact, I came back especially to see you.

- I wanted to tell you something. - What?

Well, um... well, you see... Well, there was no great urgency about it,

but as I was nearby, you know what I mean?

Not exactly.

Well, I was downstairs and I heard some people talking, and they said...

Well, frankly, the meeting of the Chamber of Deputies today was extremely heated.

- Is that so? - Oh yes, oh yes.

The government was attacked on its budget. Always a ticklish problem.

And they said that the government is within an ace of falling.

- Well, well, well. - And what are we coming to?

Merciful heaven...! Where are we all heading?

So I said to myself, Martin must be informed of this.

- So I instantly... - But how does it concern me?

Well, if the affairs of the nation mean nothing to you,

well, in that case, I must bid you good night.

Very well then. Good night, and thanks all the same!

Not at all, not at all.

Back you go to your room. Mustn�t catch cold.

I was waiting for the boy to get a hot water bottle!

A hot water bottle! Here, take mine! Do take mine!

No, no. My dear sir, I wouldn't dream of depriving you.

- My dear fellow, you�re not depriving me. - Well, are you sure?

- It�s extremely kind of you. - It�s nothing, nothing at all. Back you go.

Very well, goodnight.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Well then, goodnight.

- Oh, it�s you again! - Yes.

We never shook hands.

- Oh. Goodnight. - Goodnight.

At last! I thought you were never coming.

Anyway, put on your hat and coat and let�s get out of here!

- My hat and coat? Where are they? - Well, there! In the bathroom!

And incidentally, what have you done with my hat?

What do you mean, done with your hat? It must be somewhere...

But where? Where? Where?

Oh, wait, I remember! I had it in my hand when I went to get some air. I...

Hahaha, I must have left it up there.

Hahaha! So you think it�s funny, do you? So you left it upstairs!

What did you have to take it up there for in the first place?

You�d better run up and get it right away!

- I�ll wait for you. - Yes, wait for me.

Well, out you go and hurry!

- How are the phantoms? - Not before midnight, Signor expert.

Come along girls, hurry up!

- We�re nearly ready now! - Come in, Papa.

Ghosts?

Rubbish! There�s a common thief at large.

There�s no doubt of it.

He's even left his hair on my brush.

I must be on my guard.

Well, where is it?

It�s not there. Someone must have taken it.

That�s charming!

I�ll put this scarf over my head.

Let�s leave this awful place at once!

Yes, yes, at once.

Where are you leading me, Mademoiselle?

Oh, it�s a very old hotel. Wait til you see.

- But my train! - It can wait.

Buona sera, buona sera, Signorina, Signor...

I can guess the requirements of the lady...

A nice little nest where you and the gentleman will be at your ease.

I say, excuse me. Do you have running water here?

Naturalemente.

- At what date was it installed... exactly? - Eh?

George! George! Where you are? Come here.

There is a room free?

There�s one just come free now, sir. Number 11.

Thank you. Should we go up now?

Righto. Come this way.

- Good heavens! Maxime! - Victoire!

This way.

Mademoiselle...

I hope you realize the gravity of the step we are about to take.

Not 'alf!!

Number 11 should be free by now.

Come on. Is it for the whole night?

- I should jolly well hope so! - The whole night?!

- But my train! - Don�t bother, ducks, it�s gone by now.

- They�re coming in here! - Lock the door!

You should never have said we were leaving!

Key, where�s the key? I haven�t got the key!

- Oh, we mustn't loose our heads! - But I can�t lock the door without the key!

There, in there! There's a bolt.

Oh, what a night!

Mademoiselle... If I�d ever known...!

You wouldn�t have come?

Frankly, yes.

Right you are, we�ll take it.

Alright then.

We are here for the night!

Oh, what a lesson.

What a lesson!

- Bags, I've this one! - Bed at last, and about time.

Bags, I've this one!

I�m going to use my curling tongs before I go to bed.

Top marks! So shall I.

I feel spooky!

- We�re will-o'-the-wisps! - We look like ghosts!

- Ghosts! - Ghosts!

Remember the witches� song?

The witches on their brooms, They cackle as they fly away,

Hoorah hoorah hoorah! Hoorah hoorah hoorah!

Spirits! Phantoms!

Daughters of Satan afoot!

Help! Help!

- Whatever was that? - What�s the to-do? What�s up?

- Help! - Ahh! My uncle! - Help!

Oh, I say!

I... I do beg your pardon!

Now what�s all this nonsense? A man in the bed, you say?

Yes, Papa! It's true, there is!

Well, we�ll soon see about that!

Oh, Madame! I beg your pardon.

Nonsense, lot of nonsense.

Now girls, you�re talking nonsense.

That�s not a man, it�s a woman.

Victoire! Victoire!

Psst! Here I am.

Quiet, girls, quiet! I can certainly distinguish between the sexes at my age.

A man and a woman! Disgraceful!

I must certainly get to the bottom of this. Boy?

Boy!

What�s up?

Listen boy, what�s the meaning of all this!?

Finding men and women in our beds and the Lord knows what else?

Strewth, sir! Really?

- So you�ve seen her? - Seen who?

Well, I didn�t want to tell you sir, but the room is haunted.

By a dead woman!

- A dead woman!? - Aaaahh!

Children!

Excuse me, Madame, have you seen my children?

Your children?

Oh, Madame, I beg your pardon.

Nicolette! Violette! Prudance! Suzanne!

I shall die of fright if we don�t get out this minute.

Shh! We must be careful. Let�s go.

Back! My husband!

Human beings! Thank heavens for that!

Open the door! Open the door!

You can�t come in, you can�t come in!

For pity�s sake, open the door!

- Open the door! - Can�t come in!

- Hold hard! - He�s stronger than I am!

Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!

Madam, that�s my hat you�re wearing!

Madam, will you please give me back my hat?

Madam! I really must ask you to give me back my hat, Madam.

I insist. I insist!

Help!

Poltergeists! Help! Fighting mad!

Help! Spirits! Help! Help!

A blackamoor!

No, no! It�s me, Benedict!

- But you're pitch black! - Yes, yes, take no notice.

Oh, this night will be the death of me!

Well, thank heaven it�s all over! We can go now.

What a relief!

The pigs! The pigs!

- Everybody run for it! - The pigs!

Mamma mia! The pigs are here!

- What�s he saying? - The pigs!

We�re lost!

- The police! - The police!

Escape! Escape!

- Marcelle! Let me in, Marcelle! - Arrest that man.

Officer! I protest... My conduct is irreproachable.

I am here with my wife.

Indeed? And your name?

My name? Monsieur Cot.

Open that door.

And now, Madame?

But... But, Inspector! I... I don�t understand.

I'm... I'm a respectable married woman.

And that is my husband.

I see.

And will you kindly give me your name?

My name?

Me?

Oh, well...

My name is Madame Boniface.

Ah! Just as I thought.

Round up everybody in the building.

That�s it, children, let�s have no more nonsense.

Arrest that man!

Quick, after them! Come back here!

Come back here! Oi, you there!

Stop, Police!

Come back, children!

Search all the rooms.

Police! Open up!

Police!

Oh, I say!

Open up, police!

- Ah, Monsieur Feydeau, excuse me. - It�s a pleasure, Monsieur Lagenre.

Arrest all those people and take them to the station.

Now then... take all of that to the station for inspection.

Come along, everybody inside.

Come on. Arrest that man.

Who is it?

Me, Monsieur, Victoire!

Ah, Victoire. What exactly were you doing...?

What do you want?

- Shall I bring you coffee, Monsieur? - Yes, please, right away.

Oh, but Madame hasn�t returned yet, and I don�t have the key.

Just a moment.

Then we shall have to wait until Madame Boniface returns.

Who is it?

- It�s me. - Me? Who's 'me'?

Me, Marcelle!

- Are you alone? - Yes, yes! Open the door!

Draw the bolt on your side.

Oh, Boniface, Boniface!

- Oh, Marcelle! What a night, what a night! - I am ruined!

Done for! And all because of you!

No, no, no, no, it�s not as bad as all that.

What if we were caught together in a hotel?

After all, we�re not rogues or criminals.

That�s all the police are interested in- rogues and criminals.

You know these police.

Once they get their hands on you, there are investigations...

inquiries, papers to sign, forms to fill in.

And if one of them should fall into my husband�s hands,

the cat will be out of the bag!

Oh, Boniface, Boniface! What�s to become of us?

Oh, come now, courage, courage!

What a timid little rabbit!

What a frightened little pussy!

You�ve something black on your nose.

Something black? Me!?

But what about you! Look at your own face!

Me?

What an experience.

All the same, we might�ve had to spend the night in the police station like the others.

At least the inspector showed his confidence in us by releasing us.

On condition that I bring along your identity papers this afternoon.

There you are!

And as you�ll never be able to produce papers proving that you are Mr Cot,

what is going to happen?

If the inspector doesn�t get the papers, he�ll come straight here...

My husband! He�s up already!

- Boniface! - Ah, Cot.

Oh, my friend! If you only knew the night I�ve had!

You don�t believe in ghosts, do you?

Ghosts? Of course not. Why, what�s happened?

I�ve seen them myself, with my own eyes!

You have?

Yes, I have! Without a shadow of a doubt!

I was in a hotel on a professional visit...

convinced that the noises complained of came from a faulty water tank.

Not a bit of it!

I�d only been asleep about half an hour

when I woke to find myself surrounded by wild will-of-the-wisps,

and hearing supernatural voices, of an apparently feminine gender,

emanating from white robed figures

who danced around me in a sort of frenzied saraband!

I flew! I flew like a March hare!

At last, I thought I saw two ordinary human beings.

One of them was a woman. I couldn�t see her face.

It was buried under my hat!

Under your hat?

Yes! Now don�t ask me how or why.

She was wearing a dress of a sort of lacy stuff.

I�d recognize that again in a million!

- You wouldn�t! - Oh yes, yes, I would, yes, I would!

It had a rhododendron just there.

At that moment, out popped a chimney sweep from the fireplace!

How or why I simply cannot say. A chimney sweep!

Of about your build.

Oh no, no, no, no... Much shorter.

What? Oh yes, well, yes, perhaps he was a little bit shorter.

Before I could pull myself together he was upon me!

He gave me a violent shove, and propelled me from the room.

That hotel�s seen the last of me, I can tell you!

And does your wife believe this story of the ghosts?

I haven�t seen her.

When I got back in the small hours I knocked at her door and she didn�t answer.

She must have been sleeping like a log.

I had to use the guest room.

Oh, my friend, what a night it�s been!

What a night!

He�s still in the garden.

Quickly! I must get out of here. I�ve got to get rid of that dress.

If he sees it in my wardrobe I�ll be done for.

- Go round by the front. - Yes.

The bolt! Shoot the bolt.

Thank you, Monsieur.

Boniface!

Boniface!

Benedict! Benedict! Are you there?

Is that you, Angelique?

It�s me, my love!

Oh, Benedict!

I am so happy to see you!

Good gracious, Angelique, what�s happened to you? You�ve got a black eye!

Don�t even speak of it!

Do you realize you very nearly lost me?

Tell me more!

Oh, my dear one. I had an accident, a ghastly accident!

Which nearly deprived you of my person forever!

What a terrible thing.

Well, as you know, I hired a carriage to take me to my sister�s.

At first, everything went splendidly.

And there we were, trotting along together, all three of us.

All three?

Of course! The driver, the horse and me!

After we had gone through the gates of Paris,

suddenly the horse was frightened by an automobile, and it bolted!

- No! - Yes!

The driver tried to rein him in. Impossible!

And there we were, flying, flying, hurtling through space,

out into the open countryside, without a soul in sight to rescue us.

I tell you, Benedict, it is at moments like these when life is threatened,

that a woman realizes what her husband means to her.

Believe me, I thought of you every second!

You, who were not even in danger!

And I said to myself... "I wish he were here too".

Thank you, my dear.

But you weren�t there, were you, Benedict!?

Then what do you think happened?

We drove straight into an overturned cart,

and I landed - bong! - on a pile of vegetable marrows.

After that I lost consciousness of everything.

All I know is, I came to in the early hours of the morning, in a farmer�s cottage,

surrounded by strange people whom I didn�t know from Adam.

Oh, such kind, good people they were!

I was sorry I only had 100 francs in my purse.

I would gladly have given them everything we possess!

Well surely rather excessive.

- But they saved my life! - I see.

This morning, when they saw that I was feeling a little better,

they fixed me up with a sort of vegetable cart,

and trundled me back home.

And here I am.

How dreadful!

Oh Boniface, your poor little wife!

Madame! Special delivery.

Well, I�ll go and let you pull yourself together.

Ahh! Madame, you may not have noticed it, but your eye...

Just black as your hat!

Not noticed it? What do you mean not noticed it!

You�ll get your notice, if you don�t watch out!

Go and prepare me a bath this instant!

From the Inspector of Police?

I wonder what he wants.

�Madame will kindly oblige by coming to my office...

and will kindly bring her identity papers.�

My identity papers? What for? What can he mean?

�Madame Boniface, who was caught in a police roundup last night,

with Monsieur Cot at the Hotel Paradiso.�

Ahhh! This is madness!

Madness! Boniface!

I must be getting delirious! Boniface!

What�s the matter?

- The police! - The police?

Read it!

It says... it says...

Oh no, no, it�s too horrible, too horrible! Read it, read it!

�To Madame Boniface, who was caught last night in a police roundup with Monsieur Cot

at the Hotel Paradiso.�

Yes, me! Me! I was caught last night with Monsieur Cot!

- You wretched creature! You admit it?! - What?

You! You were caught with Cot, were you?!

No, no, no, I tell you...

And what, may I ask, were you doing with this Monsieur Cot, eh?

What were you doing!?

Nothing, Boniface! I assure you...

- Answer me! - Oh Boniface, you're frightening me...

This letter is official? Answer!

I cannot confess to something that isn�t true!

We�ll soon see about that!

Come with me!

You Lucrezia Borgia, you!

You! The woman I trusted, the woman I believed in!

No! It�s a lie, I tell you. A foul lie!

I swear to you I�m telling you the truth... everything that happened.

The runaway horse, the vegetable marrows, the peasants...

And where do these peasants live?

Why, in their village, oh lord, I don�t know, miles away!

So! It�s all hideously clear!

So that�s why you locked me in!

So that you could indulge your amorous appetites with Monsieur Cot!

No, no, no! It�s a lie, I tell you! A foul lie!

Cot! Cot! You will kindly favor me with your attention.

Oh, you spirits above, that know the unsullied truth,

look down and justify me before this man!

Silence! Silence.

Cot, where did you say you spent last night?

At the Hotel Paradiso!

What! I must be going out of my mind.

Can it be that you and... oh no, no, no, no, it can�t be, it can�t be!

And who were you with at this Hotel Paradiso? Answer me that!

- You were there with Madame Boniface! - Eh?

Cot, I know all.

You are my wife�s lover.

Boniface, what is all this? You�re pulling my leg.

Read that.

�Madame Boniface... the Hotel Paradiso with Monsieur Cot�

Oh, of course, this is a hoax!

Then how do you account for this summons?

Well, it�s some madman�s idea of a practical joke.

The truth is, I have received no such summons.

Not a word. Monsieur Cot!

Thank you.

�To Monsieur Cot,

caught last night in a police roundup with Madame Boniface at the Hotel Paradiso�.

Now do you deny it? Do you deny it? Have you the face to deny it?

Here! Here you are.

Oh, Madame, it�s beautiful!

- Oh, but it�s much too good for me. - Oh no, no, no, take it, take it!

It�s not my style. It'll suit you much better. It�s a present, take it!

- Madame Cot! - Oh! Coming, coming! Coming right away.

Better not tell anyone I gave you the dress, Victoire.

Oh, thanks Madame, it�s lovely.

Well, what is it?

Ah! Madame Cot.

- You see this man? - My husband?

Well, he�s my wife�s lover.

- He is?! - It�s a lie!

- Faint dead away in my arms. - Right!

Good lord! Marcelle? Marcelle!

You must be mad to tell her a thing like that! It�s a joke, dear, an odious joke!

Don�t you dare speak to me! So that was your so-called ghost!

- Ha-ha! - Ah, there you are!

- Oh! Martin! - Oh, what a night, my friends, what a night!

- Listen, Martin... - Good morning, Madame Boniface!

Good gracious, what have you done to your eye?!

Listen, my friend, we�re in the middle of a very private family discussion.

- So, if you wouldn�t mind... - But of course, my dear fellow, of course!

Oh! Madame Cot! How did you make out last night?

Oh, splendidly, thank you! We were all splendid.

Into the greenhouse with you. In there.

It won�t be long.

Not a drop of rain...

What did he mean, "How did you make out last night"?

Oh, nothing, nothing! It�s a well-known expression in Valence.

Whenever they want to ask someone if they slept well, they always say

�How did you make out last night?�

Well, I never knew that!

Oh yes, it�s a very well-known expression.

Madame!

The Inspector of Police!

Ah! He's just in time.

Monsieur Cot, if you please! I�d like to speak to Monsieur Cot.

Well here I am, Inspector, at your service.

I�m sorry, Monsieur, I didn�t recognize you right away.

Of course, when I saw you last night, your face was smeared with some black concoction.

Mine was?!

Yes, but now of course I can recognize you perfectly.

What do you mean, you recognize me?

Yes, naturally!

After all, I was the one who caught you last night with Madame Boniface at the Hotel Paradiso.

Me!? You caught me!?

Yes. Yes, of course, Madame.

It was difficult to see your face last night, under your lace scarf.

My scarf?!

But now, naturally, I remember you very well indeed.

Anyway, don�t worry. It�s not at all important.

What do you mean it�s not important!?

What I mean is, I shall see to it that the affair goes no further.

When I found out that you were the Monsieur Cot, the architect,

well naturally I was extremely sorry my secretary had sent you that summons.

You see, I am thinking of building a little house in the country.

And I was wondering...

But I�m not interested in your little house in the country!

I�m interested in what happened last night!

Don�t give the matter another thought.

As long as you are a person of fixed abode and of settled occupation

you are of no concern to the police.

I don�t give a damn about the police!

It�s that lady and gentleman I�m concerned with!

Good day, Monsieur. My respects, Madame.

For heaven's sake, try and remember! Think carefully!

Well, look well at both of us!

Even if you didn�t see the lady�s face,

surely you must have seen her figure, her silhouette!

Well, it did seem to me that the lady was of rather less... ambitious proportions,

but that could have been an optical illusion.

One thing I do remember though.

The lady in question wore a lace dress with a rhododendron!

That settles it! I don�t possess one!

Neither do I!

- Shhh, quiet. - Inspector, you must have arrested other people last night.

Why don�t you question them? See whether they recognize us or not?

Who were these people?

Wait! I have the list here.

Allow me.

Bonnard, The Bull of the Bistros?

I certainly don�t know him.

La Grande Antoinette.

Monsieur Martin and his four daughters.

Which Monsieur Martin!? There was a Monsieur Martin here. He�s just arrived!

And he has four daughters.

Ah! Well, he must be our man!

Ah! Now we shall see! Let�s go and ask him.

I feel myself sinking... sinking into the bowels of the earth!

You mustn�t do that.

Ah! Yes, that�s the man. I remember him distinctly.

Good heavens, the inspector! Oh, I can�t stand all that again!

Now Monsieur Martin, there are one or two questions I want to put to you.

Oh, please, please! mesdames, messieurs!

Careful.

Don�t all speak at once, I can�t make head or tail of what you�re saying!

Monsieur Martin, you were at the Hotel Paradiso last night, were you not?

Not only was I there, but I was arrested. I can�t think why.

Did you see us there? I mean, Monsieur Cot and myself.

Me? No, I didn�t see you...

There! You see!?

But when I think of how my poor little girls

were dragged off to the police station in their shifts.

Well we�re not interested in your little girls or their shifts.

If you didn�t see us there, were there other people whom you did see?

Other people? Of course there were other people!

Well, who were they!?

Well, that�s very easy to answer.

- Here we go... - We're for it!

Do you hear that, Boniface? They want to know whom I saw there!

Yes, I heard, I heard.

- You want to know who I saw? - Yes! Who!?

Well, I saw...

I saw b... bbbb...

the kkkk... the kara... kara... kara...

What is the matter with you?

Well now, come along Monsieur, answer! Who did you see?

Oh, come along Monsieur!

Monsieur Martin, you�re doing it on purpose! Speak up!

There�s only one way out! He must commit his evidence to writing!

Come along everybody, back to my house!

An excellent idea.

In here, Monsieur Martin, in here.

Yes, now we shall get to the bottom of it.

Come along, sit down, here.

Write it all down.

There.

The pen!

There. Now take your time, Monsieur Martin.

The complete list!

What�s going on!? Now it�s raining in here too!

Victoire!

Victoire! Victoire!

Now the roof�s leaking and the bath�s running over!

Victoire!

I'm coming, Madame.

Oh, excuse me Madame, but I was just changing!

Do you realize the bath water is running over?

A rhododendron!

Everybody! Come here!

What now? But that�s it! The lace dress!

But I�d recognize it in a million!

Victoire! How do you explain that dress?

I was just trying it on!

Never mind all that! Were you in the Hotel Paradiso last night?

How did you know?

And you had the audacity to use my name!?

Your name? What do you mean?

No need to explain! You�ve said quite enough!

No, no need to explain! You've heard her admit it, Inspector.

That�s the woman you caught red-handed.

Yes, yes of course! I remember her very well.

And who was the gentleman you were with?

The gentleman?

Well...

Ha ha ha, quite a gathering!

Hello Uncle, so here you are!

Good morning, Auntie.

And a very good morning to you, Madame!

I hope you don�t mind, but I came through your garden, since there was nobody at home.

But you�re not in Marseilles?!

- No, I�m afraid not! - And why not?

Oh, that�s a terribly long story...

Anyway, I missed my train and as it was late,

I didn�t want to wake you in the middle of the night...

Maxime, I want the truth now!

With pleasure, Auntie!

Last night were you or were you not at the Hotel Paradiso?

Oh! So you know about that! Yes!

It really is an unthinkable hotel, Auntie.

I strongly advise you to avoid it like the plague.

And who were you with at this hotel?

And who were you with?

Ah well, here goes.

With Victoire.

Victoire!

Inspector! This is the man you�re looking for!

Yes, there he is, as bold as brass.

Ah, yes of course. That�s the man.

I recognize him distinctly.

- Yes, yes, yes. The mystery is solved. - That�s that!

Now it�s all perfectly clear.

- But I don�t understand! - Not another word out of you!

Turn off that bath, then straight to your room!

- Martin! - Martin!

- Ah, here�s my evi... evi... - What's that? Your evidence?

Good gracious me, we know all of that. We don�t need that anymore!

But wha... wha...

By Jove, you�ve just got time to catch the train to Valence!

Yes, off you go, back to Valence!

- Off you go! - It's stopped raining!

It's lovely in Valence!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

And so, in spite of occasional little misunderstandings,

life at that time went on day after day,

peacefully, blissfully.

Later that autumn, Paris, city of light,

dazzled and sparkled more brightly than ever.

The great restaurants were positive aviaries of gossip.

The announcements for the theatrical season were particularly tantalizing.

Bernhardt, the divine Sarah,

was planning, in her next play, to impersonate a character of masculine gender.

And a new domestic farce by Georges Feydeau was announced at the Palais Royale.

The privileged, who had the good fortune to be invited to the premiere,

flocked to the theater in a mood of exquisite expectation.

Psst! Marguerite!

Monsieur Benedict!

Marguerite!

- I love you. - You?!

Marguerite! I am the last man in the world to betray a friend.

- It hurts me deeply. - I know that, Monsieur Benedict.

But friend or no friend, the honor of French chivalry is at stake.

Marguerite, be mine! All mine!

Oh, Monsieur Benedict! You forget yourself!

I�m a respectable married woman!

Think of my duty!

There are times when duty must be forgotten.

- When? - Now! Look at me.

Am I not throwing my duty to the winds?

Think of poor Madame Benedict! But do I hesitate? Not at all!

Your husband has insulted you!

And when a woman is insulted, there is no turning back!

No, no! Yes, yes!

- Forward march! - Where? - Anywhere, together, let us go!

Oh no, Monsieur Benedict! I cannot!

- His neglect has set you free! - Absolutely!

He has the prettiest wife in the world,

and he leaves her here vegetating like an Italian cabbage!

Yes! A cabbage! That�s me.

Revenge is yours! It must be swift and deadly.

That�s it! Revenge! You�ve shown me the way, and I shall follow to the bitter end!

I�ll show you what a man should be... strong, tender, and terrible in his passion!

Oh well, Monsieur Benedict!

You may be rather plain, but you certainly have a way with women!

Oh, Marguerite... Thank you, thank you for that.

Had I known'st it an hour ago, I would have repelled your advances with horror.

Oh, Marguerite... The early bird doesn�t always catch the worm.

But now I say, command me! I shall obey.

Oh, Marguerite, I�m floating, floating...

- Benedict! - We�re sunk! - Benedict!

Marguerite, there isn�t a moment to be lost!

Your husband is away tonight. You�re free as air!

I shall manage to be free as air too.

Do! Do!

I�ll meet you somewhere.

Where?!

I haven�t the faintest idea.

I�ll find somewhere, I�ll send you word - and then, revenge!

Benedict!

My wife...

Revenge!

Sync and corrections by FatPlank and Colin