Original subtitles

Subtitles by Tu

H.M. PRISON WORMWOOD SCRUBS

That's 300 pounds. 301. Why not.

Marcus, why are you still here? It's 12.30!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. I've just finished your income tax returns.

Oh, that's very kind...

Hmm, but you know we like our prisoners to leave in midday on the day of departure.

I did once think of putting a notice up in every cell.

Oh, it's a very good idea. Lighten up the old walls. Wouldn't it?

Very well, Sir. If I may...

400 pounds rebate?!

On my salary?!

Ha hall I'll end up in jail!

Oh, no. These things are open to interpretation...

All I'm doing is to interprete the questions in a manner...

oh... favourable to you.

- You should be in politics, not in prison. - Well, in a way I was, wasn't I?

When they caught me embezzling at the Conservative Central Office.

I shall never understand why you chose that of all places?

I'm a liberall

Oh.

Oh, can I have it back. I've...

got an extra list... Here I've forgotten to include... you know...

Whereas... wear and tear of shoes...

Things that seem unimportant to us but they all add up.

I think it's not 400 but 517 pounds...

...nine shillings and tuppence.

Oh halfpenny... Make it difficult for them. Come on...

I've taken the liberty of signing it for you, Sir.

If you just check the gig nature there.

- Good grief! - Anything like it?

It's not the only trade I've learned here, Sir.

Oh well, we... do our best on our rather slender budget.

Oh, I'll always be grateful for it, Sir.

Have I got everything?

Got my pen... my glasses... Nail file... yes...

Right, Sir. I'm only about 25 minutes late, huh.

- Well, I'll lead the way. - The cell is ready for the next man.

You don't know the exit, do you? Come with me.

Thank you.

Look out, Sir!

- Well, Marcus, I hope this isn't au revoir. - Oh, no.

Remember that science is catching up with the embezzler.

Huh?

You were caught by computer not by the police.

It's going to put embezzlers irrevocably out of business.

Well, the way I see it's science's closing in at all of us, isn't it?

You're sure these income tax returns are bona fide?

- Eh? - Bona fide.

Ah, Bona... bona fide... Yes... Well, taking any inspector but...

Just have bona fide... But not computers... How I should know...

I think you better go back inside, you catch cold out here.

- Good bye. - Good bye, Sir.

It's a very nice little flat. It's even got a piano.

Oh, that'll be handy.

In fact the matter is... we can't get it out of the room.

And it's got very nice kitchen.

- It's so nice to have you back, Mr. Pendleton. - Hello.

- This way, darling. - Thank you.

Now, it's got a very nice...

Ahem... Excuse me, Sir...

- Excuse me, Sir. - Yes. - Are you a member?

- No, not here. I'm not a member, no...

- Not beyond the edge of that carpet, then, Sir. - Oh, really?

- Ahem

- Lord Chivas Austin... - Oh, yes? - Yes, indeed. Yes...

He was desirous of effecting a meeting with me upon these premises.

- Oh, OK then. - I should think so.

Ahem, I beg pardon, Sir Charles.

- I was asked to hand this note to you at once, Sir. - Oh, thank you, Adams.

Oh, grat!

I have to leave after this hand. I have to mediate another nationwide strike.

Anyway... the rest is the lay down.

- Are you referring to the strike? - Oh, no.

Ho, ho, ho... That is a brilliant finesse if you don't mind my saying so, Sir Charles!

May I humbly hope that your luck continues for the... for the country's sake.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah... - Thank you, indeed.

- See you in Newmarket on Saturday, Quintin. - Yeah.

Would you care to make a fourth, Mr...

Oh... Pendleton... er... Smythe.

Mr. Pendleton Smythe.

Colonel.

Colonel?

Lieutenant... Lieutenant Colonel... Yes...

I'm just here to er... meet Lord Chivas Austin.

You know Twinkle, dear?

No, Lord Chivas Austin.

Exactly.

Wasn't it something in the morning paper about Austin?

Leaving for Bermudas today.

Well, I don't think he likely to do that, Sir.

He's got a date... an appointment with me here...

on the... on the 5th.

But today is the 6th, isn't it?

Oh, no. It must be the 5th surely, isn't it?

I beg your pardon?

Let me see...

Freda's birthday was on Sunday and that was the...

Oh, this your first time at the club?

This club? Yes... yes... Funny...

I'm just down from the north.

Holiday?

Ah, business.

Poor fellow.

One diamond...

One spade...

Yes, I'm just on the look out for a good computer man.

Computer man?

Yeah.

Alcott?

Brain drain.

- Stubbins? - Deturned.

Precious few left.

Sedgwick?

Defected.

Oh, yes...

Remember reading about it.

- Is this really English company? - Yeah... Oh, oh... American.

TA-CAN-CO?

Yes.. How... how? Well done... That's a... right first time... TO.NASC...

TA-CAN-CO.

290 million.

Is that a bid?

No, no, it's the assets of TA-CAN-CO Corporation.

290 million, eh?

Should be possible to raise a loan on that!

Ha, ha, ha... Oh, oh... that's very nice.

If this keeps up I shall violate our lifetime principle...

and play bridge with women.

Six spades.

What about Caesar Smith?

Oh... Is he a good man?

Yes... a bit young.

Sixties anyway...

Church of England...

- Widower... - Every advantage.

Expert on butterflies...

Moths...

That must be of great convenience to you. Are you a member long?

- Not, well, yes... Yes, I'm an out of town member, of course. - Yes, yes.

Well, if you care to join I'1]I certainly propose you. I might even second you.

Oh, how kind of you. You know, I don't think so.

After a very excellent lunch you must think it's rather silly of me...

but I still don't quite understand what your proposition is?

No, I don't think that's silly... Do... Do make yourself very comfortable.

Yeah, that is the whole idea... And I'11...

take the liberty of filling up your glass with Port...

Er... my proposition... Well...

You must know that the... computer world is in a bit of a tangle...

Two of our best young men have gone down... the brain drain.

Sedgwick... I don't even have to talk about... Defected.

Father a duke... you know...

So that when my lot TA-CAN-CO came out with an idea of having a computer chief... a new man...

your name came up... you know... like that.

- Are you offering me a job? - Oh, yes.

Oh, I was afraid of that. Please don't!

What are you going to be afraid of? With credentials like these...

They make lovely reading... Really. I mean, they're marvelous...

No, you don't understand. I might be tempted to accept...

You see... When I left Transcontinental Insurance...

So, you've left Transcontinental Insurance?

Oh...

Yes... I thought I had just enough courage saved up...

to do one thing I always wanted to do... all my life.

To go to South America and write a definitive work on Amazonian...

Moths!

How on Earth did you know that?!

Oh, well... It wasn't too hard to guess... you know...

Up there at lunch... every time I wanted to talk about computers...

No, you weren't having it...

Back we went to the moths again... Back to the compu... back to the moths...

Moths' my passion since my wife died.

Do you think that's very silly of me?

No, I do not... I happen to be a bachelor but I have my passion too.

ITt's not moths, I'm not a moths man... T don't need to co... I'1l1 never be a moths man...

But I appreciate moths men...

No, I... My passion is...

Music!

Oh, that is uncanny! How did you guess that?

When we were not talking moths we were talking music.

Oh, yes... I sometimes dream of moulding a great orchestra...

in some immortal work by the masters...

Beethoven, Bizet, Gounod, Faust... one of the great men...

But of course it's a dream.

You can't afford an orchestra...

I mean, even the baton becomes prohibitive with the new tax slapped on it. No...

But I'll buy you a baton!

Oh, no... I couldn't allow that. I'm sorry.

Very very nice gesture but I couldn't allow that. No.

Don't you undestand? We are two of a kind! We'll encourage each other.

I'll give you a baton, you give me a butterfly net.

You mean you'd go to South America if I gave a... a net and all the...

It's a deall

Ah, what a witty day! I thought that police had arrived.

So you're in traffic warden now. That's a nice steady job.

Yeah... I got fired today.

Whatever for?

Well, I ain't got the art to give anyone a ticket.

It's wicked trying to park out West.

I left them triple park right along the Strand, see.

You have a very impressive background, Mr. Smith.

Marvelous references...

I like to think so, Sir.

It took quite a lot of time and ingenuity to lay my hands on them.

Humor!

One of the three great Hs in my book:

... Humor, Humility, and Honesty.

Mr. Smith,

We are looking for an outstanding computer program designer.

This man has to have great vision, has to have class, be outspoken...

He has to envision this Corporation owning large chunks of the world.

- Of the business world. - The entire world, Mr. Smith.

- Sound crazy? - No, no.

After all, no greatness is possible without a little intelligent madness, is it?

Ah, you put that beautifully!

Let me right that down.

Oh, no. Give credit where credit is due, Sir. I believe it was Hitler who said that, Sir.

Well, just goes to show you, there's nothing new under the sun.

Nothing changes but man's capability for change.

Oh, that's lovely, too. Who said that?

It was Napoleon.

Oh, is that who that is? I thought that... you know...

Yes, Sirree, when the time comes, I might even put in a bid for all of England.

Hadn't you better wait till it's solvent?

Oh, now I said, "when the time comeg", didn't I?

Yes. You did.

Yes.

Carlton, the M505... Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no. Come in, come in. I'm glad you came, Willard.

I want you to meet Caesar Smith.

No middle initial?

No, never have had. It's one of those things you learn to live without.

Well, this is Willard C. Gnatpole.

Vice President in charge of our Data Processing System.

I was interviewing Mr. Smith in connection with our program design.

Oh, I... I... I thought we were bringing someone from the States for that.

Oh. yeah. We did talk about that, I know.

And... and we did mention that we might compromize with a Canadian.

That I know, too.

But I... I don't know...

I just have a hunch.

It's an ingtinct tells me that...

Mr. Smith could be the right man for the job.

Fine... fine... Ahem

What is it you wanted to say to me, Willard?

Oh, I... I don't... don't mean to be an alarmist.

I ran these game series of figures 4 times through the new computer...

and... and got 4 different results.

So I checked it against the conventional computer...

and got 4 totally variated printouts.

Well, then just go to maintenance right away!

Yes, Sir. They're on the way.

Er, I...

I know it's none of my business, but is that the M5057

- Yes. - Yes...

Did you remember to suppress the nominal factors...

when you fed those figures in?

That's not required.

Hmm, no, I know it's not required, but... it ig advisable.

I doubt it.

Try it, Willard.

Try it.

Remember, it's a 2-5-9-14 progression, won't you, Sir?

It's there that the M505...

really keeps mere mortals like us on our toes, as it were. Yeah...

- He's right. - Thank you.

- Yes? - Maintenance are here, Sir.

Oh, it's my fault. We called them in error, Miss...

Oh. No harm done.

Willard, take a look at these.

They're Mr. Smith's credentials.

Yes... yes... Yes, I will. When... when I get time.

Mr. Smith,

I don't agonize over decisions.

Now, I am ready to recommend you to our next executive board meeting.

Oh.. Well, I am very grateful, I'm gure, Sir.

But there is one question I feel I must ask you.

Mm-hmm? There is?

Shoot!

Will I get cooperation from Mr. Gnatpole?

Mr. Smith,

Gnatpole is one of five Vice Presidents.

There's only one Executive Vice President, and that's Carlton Klemper.

Who?

Me!

Oh, yeah. Klemper, yes.

Come on. Let's meet the real brains of this outfit.

Well... there she is.

Oh, ho...

Now.. this unit...

contains the key accounts to all our companies.

I unlock this switch every morning first thing when I arrive...

and I lock it every night when I leave.

Oh, that's a novel feature there, isn't it, Sir?

What is that blue light there?

Oh, that's our special protective device.

As long as that blue light is om...

the computer is safe.

- Against what? - Embezzlers.

- Oh, now, Sir, you're joking, aren't you, Sir? - No, no. No, no.

Really? Embezzlers?

You mean to say that of all this, there is no mechanical way...

to bypass that blue light?

Nope.

Now, Mr. Klemper, for the sake of argument, if...

not me, someone else, wished to switch it off?

It knows how to protect itself.

It's a smart light.

Now, right here, this panel...

- there are 3 rows of red. - Yes.

The electronic timing device...

- is right here for the individual patterns. - Yes.

Here's the electronic clock,

the red alarm system,

and the central processing.

We are proud of the fact that it can read "War and Peace" in 20 minutes.

- Right in the middle there... - In the middle there - Right there...

All you need is the right code.

Welcome, Caesar Smith.

Morning, Gnatpole.

- Good morning, Sir. - That it is.

Come in.

He... Hello!

It ig, isn't it?

- Mr. Pendleton? - In a way, yes.

- Isn't it hot in here - Ig it?

- Oh, can you open the window? - No. This window won't open.

- Oh, why? Is it stuck? - It's a new kind... you know, not supposed to open.

What's the point in having it if you can't open it?

Well, it lets the light in, lets the darkness out.

You can see the daylight from here.

- Here, what's that funny smell? - Smell?

It's like burning rubber.

Oh, that smell you get when you've got the air conditioner turned on to "Fresh air".

Oh.

That may be the smell of fresh air by now.

- I can't remember... - I don't think I'm going to like it here.

Phew...

Well... where does Mr. Smith git, then, when he's here?

Here.

- Where do you sit, then? - When Mr. Smith's here?

- Yeah. - Here.

You both sit in the same chair? It's a funny office. You're having me on.

Well, I'll let you into a secret.

I use my mother's name here... Smith, you see.

My parents were separated for a long time. It's a rather sordid story. I...

I had custody of my old man towards the end, and, you know, one thing, well, waiting...

So, you're Mr. Caesar Smith, then?

- That's right. - Well, I never...

Without being indiscreet, Miss ... Oh, Miss ...?

Patty...

Patty, Miss Patty...

- No, Miss Patty Terwilliger. Sorry. - Oh, yes.

Without being indiscreet, Miss Te...

What are you doing here?

I'm your new secretary.

Go on? Yes.

- I suppose you want to know where you sit now. - Yes.

Oh, over there.

Yes, that would be favourite...

What do you want me to do?

Well, I want you to look as though you're doing something.

- It's half the battle, isn't it? - Yeah.

I don't think I'm going to like it here.

What you gonna do?

Me? I'm gonna imitate you.

When's the coffee break?

You er...

You ever work with this particular model, Smith?

No, I have not. I was just thinking, you know, sitting over there...

it's like a nursery for grown men, isn't it?

Each one with his own little toy, and like kids, we're all jealous of the other man's toys.

She's a beauty, isn't she? Look at that...

- What are you... I mean... 1 suppose... Eh? - Oh, I'm just... just asking it for procedures.

Procedures? Yes, of course. Well, that's what you would use it.

Sophisticated machine like this... for procedures...

You know, however modern they get...

they were made by human beings, weren't they?

Each one's different from the other, and they've all got a little bit of human being in them.

Of course, some people say they're... they're better than human beings.

Well, that might be true because I don't think they get as much fun out of life as we do.

That's a very interesting answer.

I should imagine from... from that answer, any moderately intelligent man...

might be able to find out the question.

Yes, I... I would think he could if...

if he knew the code.

In that?

You are... going to be around here for a while, Smith?

Oh, yves. I haven't finished working here, not by a long chalk, Gnatpole. Huh. Here.

Oh, come on! Illegal procedure...

That's better.

You're on his side, aren't you?

And...

Gallant, if nothing else.

- Morning, Miss McLaren. - Good morning, Sir.

Morning, Miss Perkins.

What you doing here?

This is my office, remember?

What did you come in early for?

How can I be efficient you keep coming in early?

Why'd you take your dress off?

Well, look at this filthy, rotten ribbon! I don't want to get it dirty, do I?

Now, now.

Oh.

Anything we can do for you, Mr. Klemper?

Er, yes...

Would you get up the correct assets for the following companies, please?

Oh, certainly, Sir, yes.

Miss Terwilliger.

Oh.

Got a pencil?

Not two pencils, dear. A pad you'll need with that.

Sussex Knitwear Ltd.

Royal Petroleum Ltd.

Wigan Meat Packing Ltd.

Northern Fibreglass.

Whoa, Sir... What...

N.F. I'1l know, I'll know.

- N? - F. N, N, No one...

- N.F. - After E, dear, before G.

Queen's Distilleries.

Cue. ..

Q. The letter "Q", not c-u-e.

- Q.D. - Q.D.

Bristol Kitchenware.

- What kitchenware? - Bristol...

- Give her these. - Oh, yes. Thank you.

Why don't you say something?

Say what?

You ashamed of me, ain't you?

Give us a hand with this zip.

I sometimes wonder why you don't fire me.

Oh, I couldn't fire you, Patty.

You'd starve to death.

- Oh, leave it. - I've got it now.

Oh, ta.

That's good, isn't it?

What's he want?

Assets.

What are they?

Young female donkeys. Ha.

Oh, Patty.

Do you want me?

Yes. I'd like you to take a letter for me. My secretary left.

Well, everybody's left.

Well, I... I know it's rather late, but this is kind of important.

Oh, yeah, all right.

They work the shirt off your back here, don't they?

Yes, I... I heard about that.

- You got a pad? - Yes, right... right here.

Ta.

Oh, thank you.

Huh, it's hot in here, isn't it? Can I take my coat off?

- Yes. Any... anything. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Queen's Distillery, 450 Mercer Avenue London N.W.

Yeah, wait. Just a sec... Queen's...

Oh, I'm... am I going too fast?

Well, just a bit, yeah. Mr. Smith goes slowly for me, you see.

You er... you... you like working for Mr. Smith?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's nice.

I like tubby men.

Fat. He's fat.

Yeah, well... He's... well-covered.

Well, that's a nicer way of putting it, I suppose.

Queen's Distilleries...

What' s that?!

May I say, I think you're very attractive.

Oh, ta.

When you're finished, I'll give you a ride home.

Oh, you got a car, then?

Here! What are we doing in the park?

Oh, the... the park? Um, I... I thought...

Thought we... we'd take the scenic route.

Do what?

Er... route, heh.

Thanks, Mr. Gnatpole. You're very kind!

Patty!

Well...

PHASE 1: BREAK THE CODE

7-5-5...

2-2-3-5...

PHASE 2: DISCONNECT BLUE LIGHT

Tight to the right...

Don't you dare!

Stay there!

Right, then over.

This might hurt a little, old girl...

but worth it in the long run.

Oh, Smith, Smith, Smith...

Caesar Smith, what on God's earth came over you?

290 million dollars.

Are you crazy?

- Well, I... - Aiming that high?

Well, I wanted to protect them, you know.

I mean, I think they're vulnerable there.

- Vulnerable? - Yes!

I do. There's only a come-and-gone little electric light bulb between them...

...and you!

As a matter of fact, Carlton, I've been watching Smith rather closely the last few days.

He's been behaving very suspiciously.

You've been watching me, Mr. Gnatpole? I really don't see reason for that.

You know, I laid out in a couple of letters to you and to Mr. Klemper here...

precisely what my intentions were.

Where are the letters?

Oh, you... you haven't even opened yours. It's still lying...

there...

I never got a letter.

Didn't you?

Oh, I wonder who could have taken it.

He's right.

Yeah, he definitely announces his intention of testing the def...

Right here. Look.

...testing the defences of the machine.

Now, where's your letter, Willard?

There never was a letter on my desk.

- Smith?! - I put it there myself, Sir.

When?

When I went into your room in order to borrow the M505 manual.

You borrowed what?!

Where... where was I?

Ha! That's what I'd very much like to know.

You know, you had no right to take that manual, Smith.

- Mr. Klemper! - Yes?

Was that manual supposed to live... I'm sorry about this... in the safe?

Or is it supposed to be lying down anywhere, anywhere... eh? And...

will an embezzler abide the rules you lay down for us...eh? Eh?

Now look... look, ywou should have drawn my attention... at least Mr. Gnatpole's attention...

to the fact that that manual was lying about!

I did.

When?

In the letter which hag now mysteriously vanished.

No, no. No, you won't find it in your copy, Sir.

I thought at the time that this...

could still be a matter between Mr. CGnatpole and myself.

Well, I would appreciate it if you gave... you gave me that manual, Smith.

Certainly, Sir.

I'd breathe a lot easier.

I think we all will.

Won't we?

Mark you...

Any embezzler worth his salt would have had plenty of time by now...

to have that manual photostatted... every page, hundreds of them.

You know, Mr. Klemper, Sir...

A criminal is lost without information...

and it matters little to his twisted mind...

whence that information comes.

Good night, Jamieson.

Let me tell you, I'm very pleased that it all worked out the way it did.

Ah, well, whatever I can do... I'm certainly...

- Good night, Caesar! - Ahem. Yeah.

Good night!

- Here's your tea. - Cold as usual, I suppose.

It's a long way up here, and my legs are no younger than yours.

What are you doing?

- Nothing. - Mrs. Lubbock...

- top's open, isn't it? - Yes.

- You're not going to deny that, are you? - No.

- Blue light's off. - Yeah, well.

All right, start from the beginning, then.

Well...well, I found that when I bang me bucket there...

Where?

There.

- Where the vent is? - Yeah.

- Which bucket? - That bucket.

- That one? - Yeah.

- Actual one? - Yeah, that one.

- What happened? - Well, the top flew open.

You are straining my credulity, my dear.

You're what?

Never mind. Why should you want the top open?

Because it's hot. I warm me tea up there.

Warm it?

Yeah. It's lovely. Do you want a cup?

Um... Two lumps, no milk.

Generous throwing flowers...

That's right!

Think of the travel posters!

Finish!

Morning, Smith.

Morning, Gnatpole.

- Good morning, Sir. - That it is...

- I don't have to tell you, do I, dear? - Sherry trifle.

Ooh, what a memory, huh?

You don't allow a girl to forget, Mr. Klemper.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Now, how about that, huh?

- How's Mrs. Klemper? - Oh, just fine, thanks.

- She's a wonderful person. - Oh, you must be very happy.

I like to think so, Smith. I certainly like to think so.

We have six lovely children.

Six?! Uh-huh.

Three by my previous marriage and three by hers.

Go on...

- Yeah. I love them all... hers and mine. - Yes.

Smith,

I'1ll bet you're wondering why I asked you out to lunch instead of lunching with Gnatpole...

the way I usually do.

Well, I assumed that Mr. Gnatpole had a previous engagement.

Correct.

And I arranged it that way.

Oh, I hope not because of anything I did.

No, no, no. Not at all.

What you've done for this corporation has been wonderful.

- Oh, no, Sir.

I appreciate it, and...

take my word for it, you'll be rewarded.

Yes, you will. It's not that at all. It's just that...

It's the President of the Corporation in New York.

Huh...

He's at that age... a senior citizen...

A little more senior than citizen in fact.

He's been seen playing golf without a ball lately.

Oh, dear. How do you score that?

He's the President of the firm. You score so he wins.

Oh, I like that! That's lovely, yes.

There's going to be a new president soon, though. And...

Well, there's someone...

I would very much like to see in that post.

Yes, I'd like to see you in that post, too...

I didn't intend for you to... understand so quickly.

I squirted that synthetic cream with my own fair hand.

Well, I couldn't have asked for a better hand, could I?

Oh, wait a minute, you haven't answered my question yet.

Which one?

Oh, now, you know...

The apartment... one door, two keys...

I'll give you my answer tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I'l1l be up in Bristol tomorrow...

go I won't be here to hear her answer.

I could go up in your place.

Oh, no. No, no. I've already told the people I'm going.

People?

The people... Um... Gnatpole and Mrs. Klemper...

Well, we could both go up together, but only one seat in the train need be occupied.

- You'd do that for me? - I'd do anything for the Corporation.

Bristol Kitchenware.

What about it?

They turned in a very disappointing first-quarter statement.

I'm not a bit surprised.

Who on earth thought of investing money in that?

Well, as I say, it must have been a good idea.

Smith,

How long will it take you to get them in the profit column?

Saving your presence, most of a lifetime.

This is top priority!

Te it? Uhum.

Oh, because of the old... in New York with the golf ball... and the...

Oh, yeah, yeah...

Louise, check.

Smith,

You and me... we understand each other, huh?

I like to think so.

Oh, er...

Does Mr. Smith come in often at night?

He seems to come back here practically every night.

Could I... Could I see the night sign-in book?

Yes, Sir.

That Mr. Smith is certainly a hard worker.

Yeah, he may work a little too hard.

He hasn't come in today.

No. No, he is... He's in Bristol.

Monsieur Caesar.....

- Ca va bien? - Qui.

- Bien? - Qui, oui.

- Suivez-moi. - Oh, combien?..

Et voila.

Aha... Aha, yes...

- That's Le... La Boheme, isn't it? - A, oui.

La Puccini... La Boheme...

Lovely.

Oh, ha ha.

Le... Les femmes fatales?

Comment?

- Les femmes fatales!! - 0, les femmes fatales...

Les jeunes filles!

That's international, isn't it? Oh, yes...

Alors...

C'est vrai qu'il n'est pas le plus moderne M@difice de Paris.

Yeah, oui, yeah, oui...

That would certainly seem reasonable.

Maintenant on trouve le lo yer tres raisonnable.

SpN@cialement pour 1'arrondissement.

Vous... vous les prenez pour une annee?

Oh, I know what you... ha hal!

Annie. That's her name, is it? Ha ha

Yes... - Oui? - Yes...

A, bravo! - Eh?

Bravo!

Entente cordial.

Oui, oui, oui, s'il vous voulez.

Yes, what I'd hoped to make you understand is that I'd like it for about a year.

I shall want to tidy up a little... because the cobwebs...

I don't really care for them...

Uh, tomorrow we can send for the dictionary...

SOCIETE d'INSULATION ETOILE

SOCIETE d'INSULATION ETOILE PRESIDENT CLAUDE DEBUSSY

The train for Bristol will depart from platform 8, calling at Reading, Bath Spa, and Bristol Temple Meads.

Oh... Mr. Pritchard, is it?

Mr. Smith?

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

IL.ook, I've only got 10 minutes. Perhaps we can chat when I get back to my office.

I'd rather not do that, if you don't mind.

No?

What is wrong with Bristol Kitchenware, Mr. Pritchard?

Please speak freely.

- Management concept. - M.C.s. I thought so.

Fifty years behind the times.

Do you know, we produce an eggbeater that would look old hat to Queen Victoria?

We employ 15 men out of a labor force of 400...

stenciling on the trademark.

I don't believe it.

How would you like to be the First Chairman of...

Bristol TA-CAN-CO?

- That sounds very interesting. - Should do!

Um. .. What would I have to do?

Hand in a confidential report to me of your management concepts.

I don't care what's in there, so long as it's confidential.

Make it look good...

whether it's true or not. Well, I leave that to you, Pritchard.

But remember this, with TA-CAN-CO involved...

well, they are powerful enough to make it true whatever it is.

Come and have a beer.

Oh, no, no. Have whatever you like.

SOCIETE D'INSULATION ETOILE

[ILLEGAL PROCEDURE]

[TA-CAN-CO: Pay 90,000 Pounds to the order of Societe d'Insulation Etoile]

- Bonjour. - Bonjour.

Eh?

The bank will need two references.

Well, uh, let's see... Mr. Caesar Smith...

Caesar, as in Caesar...

That's right. You can get the address off here.

So it's all TA-CAN-CO.

And the other one... who... Mr... Mr. Rossini

- Ros.. - Just the way it's... you know...

R-0-8-8... S-S...

S-I-N-I...

Coliseo...

K-LL-C-0-0-C-0 Yes, like that.

In Paris?

No, no. The other place.

[ROMA]

I want to rent... rent...

- Affitto - Affitto?

Affitto... barbero... Here.

Oh, what's the other word?

- Nolo. Nolo. - Nolo?

I would like to nolo or affitto... A, nolo!

Yes! Dove?

- Here, with... - Qui? - I'll pay any amount of liras...

Anything, you know, what... with the usual offices that... er, toiletos...

X™XK™X O nolo mio... K™XK™X XK"Y Affitto mio... K™XE™X

[S.A. GUARNIZONI COLISEO PRESIDENTE GIOACCHINO ROSSINI]

[Pay 42,000 to the order of S.A. Guarnizioni Coliseo]

Uh, Patty?

I'1l... I'1l give you a ride home when you're ready.

Oh... well, that's ever go kind of you... but...

Well, really, I've got so much work to do, I shall be here for hours.

Oh, that's all right. I'm... I'm not going immediately.

I'll... I'1l be in my office.

You let me know whenever you finish whatever it is you have to finish.

Oh. Thank you.

What? No, no. No, I don't want anything now.

What are you doing there?

I'm... I'm just on my way home.

Well, I hope you make it.

Are... are you leaving now? We both go the same way, remember?

I can't now, I'm afraid,

'cause I've got... This is rather important... as you know...

Oh, well...

I wonder, would you like to come and have something to eat with me tonight?

In your room?

Yeah, yeah... I've... I've made this... this...

A... a curry... thing...

Tonight?

- Can't you do it? - Oh, yeah, I can do it any night, you know.

Oh, why not. I think it would be highly delightful...

A little curry... Gives it a little oriental...

Oh, good. Well, I'll nip off home, then.

I'll get the bus tonight, Mr. Gnatpole, if it's all the same to you.

It gets me straight there, see?

Oh, any er... any particular time?

What for?

Oh, no. No, I'm easy.

Did you want anything, Gnatpole?

Of course I did.

T'm so Y ¥ 1 can't W ppl y I it

Hello!

Curry...

Curry?

You were expecting me, weren't you?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course, Mr. Smith. Yes, come in.

Yes...

Very nice.

Certainly looks as if someone, you know, lives here.

I suppose you can see my window from... from yours, if you look.

Well, no. No, only from the kitchen.

Oh, be careful to keep my curtains drawn, wouldn't I?

- I'm sure you've got nothing to hide, Mr. Smith. - Myself.

- Oh. Ha hall

There are enough barriers in London, not adding to them.

- It's all right. Thanks. - I don't follow that.

- Well, you know... like lonely... Well... - Oh! Oh, dear...

- Loneliness. Don't you ever get lonely? - Oh, I don't know. No, not really.

I've been inside... uh, out, all over.

If I do get lonely, I think I'd probably... you know, keep to myself.

Yeah, well, that's the trouble with most people.

That's what they all do... Keep it to themselves.

Well, I've got beyond that.

I'm so lonely I could scream it from the rooftops.

- Oh. - Go on.

Here.

Mr. Smith...

Are you afraid of women?

No. Why should I be?

Women? No.

Oh, mark you, I haven't known very many in my life.

Apart from mother.

Oh...

You were fond of your mother, is that it?

No, no. I hated her. Very hateful.

Couldn't cook, you see, and all...

all through my youth... I remember having to...

eat the muck she dished up and pretend I liked it.

She was very sensitive, quite a far from being... a bad cook.

You weren't expecting me at all, were you?

No...

No, I wasn't.

I'm ever so glad you came, though. You know, I was...

I was avoiding Mr. Gnatpole.

Oh...

Look, I think I better... you know... I'11 just...

Uh, must you?

Ooh...

You're right. It is hopeless.

What's hope legs? Come on...

Oh...

Oh, I'll tell you what. I'1l... I'1l leave you that...

Just, you know, champagne... Molft...

Oh.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, stay and share it.

No. You... you may not want me to.

Well, would I ask you to if I didn't want you to?

No. No, that's a... that's a point, of course.

It's just I'm sorry about the curry.

Oh, never mind that. I was... I was dreading that.

You know, I hate curry.

- Do you? - Yeah.

Yeah, I hate it, too. It's vile, isn't it?

Vile. It is vile. Yes, it is.

I've got a couple of bangers if you'd like them.

Well, no, no. I don't... I don't want to impose.

Oh, well, shut up.

Light the candles. They're on the mantelpiece.

I'll go and warm them up.

Here, I haven't got a fridge.

I have to put it under the cold tap. Is that all right?

Oh, it's quite cold out, you know? Just open the win... and put it on the...

Oh, you haven't got a... you haven't got a fridge, but you have got a piano.

That's one of the old e-type Hopkinson's, I think... with the oscillating dampers, you know.

They really were built, weren't they? Look at the workmanship... Oh...

Taj Mahal...

Oh, mother... Phew...

Ooh! God, that takes me back, anyway.

- Oh, good afternoon! - Shut up.

Oh.

- Hey! You... Miss Thingummy... - What?

- You're late. - Why, I'm not late.

- Late on Tuesday. - Ta. - Late on Wednesday.

- Late on Thursday. - I wasn't late on Thur...

- What is all this? - You're fired.

And who are you, anyway?

I'm the Personnel Director, and the computer never lies.

Rotten old cow.

Oh, I could bash that computer's head in.

Fourpenny, please.

Thank you.

- Can you manage? - Yes, thanks. - There you are.

- Isn't he lovely? - Oh, thanks ever so much.

- Cheerio, love. - Good bye.

Here, wait! Wait for mel

Here!

Madam, madam, could I see your stub a moment?

You're sure on the right seat. You're in the wrong row.

You're in row C, dear. Same seat, row C.

Can I see yours?

Yes, in row L. Row L. Same seat, row...

Could you two people move over just 2 seats...

but leave room for you three...

Thank you very much.

Row C. Row C...

Row...just... you're row L...

Down this aisle. There's some nice seats down there.

All right. Got a ticket?

Oh!

- Well, what else is there? - Airline hostess?

- Bank teller? - Oh...

No?

Sports mistress...

Oh, Caesar, shut up.

I'd rather play my flute to theater queues.

Why don't you take it up professionally?

You know as well as I do I can't keep time.

You can't keep my time it doesn't mean to say you can't keep time.

I wish you'd allow me to put a little...

You know... a little something in the bank for you.

You know, just to tide you over until you find a suitable post.

No.

No, I couldn't do that.

I couldn't take money from a man.

Oh, no. You're all alike. Just like mother.

Only think of yourselves.

You don't think of the difference it'd make to me...

to know I'm supporting a woman. I could...

you know, go about with my head high.

Alas.

I just couldn't do it. I've got my pride.

Yes. No wonder you're lonely.

Nothing to share your life but your pride.

Shut up.

I will.

Well, I didn't mean anything. You know it.

I don't want you to starve.

We both got our pride, don't we? That's the trouble.

I'm not the only one, eh?

No, you're not. No.

It'd be more economical, wouldn't it, if we could share our pride.

You know, kind of one pride between two.

Yeah. Well, now, you can't do that.

Well, there... must be a way.

I was reading my horoscope today.

It said, "Do not hide your feelings or be spare with your emotions"

Ooh...

Read yours and all?

Oh, I don't believe in them things...

Not unless they say what I want them to say.

What did mine say?

It said you were under the influence of Venus.

That's not what it said in my paper. It said...

"do not entertain new ideas, be content with those you have".

Oh, well, that's the same thing, isn't it?

- Ig it? - Yeah, of course.

Venus? Huh...

I wonder what it all means, eh?

Why don't you marry me?

You popping the question?

Well, it's got to be popped, doesn't it?

Yeah. Put it that way, yes. I suppose.

Got a deck of cards?

Yeah, they're in that draw...

Here... you're not going to start playing cards?

I just asked if you'd marry me.

I know...

But if you shuffle them and then cut them at the queen of hearts...

I'11 marry you.

Oh... Yeah, all right.

Yeah, let's give it a go.

- Eh? - Yes.

What do I have to do, eh?

Just shuffle them, you know, the usual... Any way you like.

Everyone's got their own way.

Shuffling them.

And when you're ready, you cut them.

That was a rehearsal. Try again because, you know, it wasn't fair.

Yes.

- Once more for luck, eh? - Yes. Yes, of course.

Eh, you better have another one for luck, hadn't you? Eh?

Oh, well, now, wait a moment. Let's have one for Mr. Gnatpole.

Bet it'll be a knave. No.

One for the United Nations... Oh.

It's got to be in somewhere.

Oh, it's only a game, Patty.

Oh, I'll marry you whether the queen of hearts turns up or not.

Aah!!!

Oh... The queen.

- Hurray! - Oh, shh.

Now, we're not here only as a rescue mission for sick businesses...

Let's concentrate on finding new industries...

with an unlimited growth potential.

I agree.

- Oh, ja. - Ja. Heil.

Gut. Gut. - Heil

Schweinehund!

[DEUTSCHE TUNGSTEN GESCHAFTAFUHER HERMANN SCHMIDT]

Well, here it is. It's quite an intensive study.

It should do the trick. I've... I've made geveral recommendations.

Now, my first recomendation can cut overheads...

...er, 27% overnight.

27%, Gentlemen.

- Buongiorno! - A, buongiorno... come va lei?... - Uh, hot

- Thank you.

- Here's your affitto money. - Grazie, Mille grazie, grazie...

[Tarzan yell]

Caesar! Oh! Hello.

Me Caesar, you Terwilliger.

- Oh, you look worn-out. - I am.

- Take your coat off. - Thank you. Ta.

Now, sit down.

- Take your shoes off. - You take them off.

- All right, then. - Ah!

- What is it? - Oh.

- Give us your foot. - Hot and all.

Here's your affitto geld.

Hello.

Mrs. Smith? It's the cleaners.

We found some money in your husband's suit.

Yes, again.

It's French and Italian today.

[LATEST PRISON GOVERNOR ARRESTED ON TAX CHARGES]

Oh... I am glad you're home, Caesar.

The very man.

Yes, now, who moved the bed over here?

- Oh, I moved... - No, let me finish.

- Who prefers it here? - No, see, I moved it because, um...

Well, it's best there 'cause we'll have to put the crib somewhere, you see...

What crib?

Well, we need to put the crib... I thought it would give us more room.

We could put it over there, you see... 'cause I'm in the club...

It gives us more space...

- 'cause I can move that... - What club?

I'm in the pudding club. I'm going to be a mother.

You?

So that will give us more room, won't it?

Well, that's what comes out of loneliness, see?

Here, are you pleased?

Oh, I'm delighted. You're going to be a mum.

I'm gonna be a dad!

You know, I'll be expected to tell it the facts of life, won't I?

I'm only just discovering a few of them now myself.

It'll be fresh in your mind, then, won't it?

I'll go and put the kettle on.

- You got a passport? - What?

Have you got a passport?

- Well, what do I want a passport for? - Get one, Patty.

- What for, Caesar? - Get a passport.

Now, look here, I don't want to start traveling around.

Well, I just think it's everyone's duty to...

be able, you know, at a moment's notice...

I want to be a father to the kid.

I don't want to, you know, be visited every now and then or write letters...

Enough. Look, love, are you all right?

I don't know. I don't know. I just know that in a few months' time...

someone is going to be looking up to me for the rest of my life...

And that's terrifying.

Oh, come on. I look up to you, and it don't scare you much.

Oh, yes, but you're different. You're a genius.

I mean, you're up there on your pedestal and you're looking up to me...

although I've got one foot in the gutter.

If I'm on a pedestal it's just because you put me up there, isn't it?

Oh, that's fair enough. Yes.

Anyway, don't argue.

Look... I'1l get the...

I'll get the crib if you get the passport.

Is that a deal?

It's a deal, dad.

Mum.

A couple of bangers... What, I never touch curry!... Vile, vile, isn't it? Vile.

I'll go make the tea, eh?

Three cups! Don't forget.

Think of that from now on.

It was ever go nice of you to see me, Mr. Gnatpole.

Oh, not at all, Patty. I mean, the fact that...

well, you called me. And I like sort of consider that...

well, a bond of friendship.

And there is nothing more beautiful on earth than friendship.

Oh, no, I agree... It is beautiful.

Particularly between... well, people.

Yeah.

Well, what... what... what would you like to order?

Well, I... I don't know much about it.

I just... I couldn't manage these stick things.

Oh, well, the.. the raw squid is supposed to be very nice.

Don't they have nothing cooked?

Would you... would you trust me? Er, to... to order?

Oh, thank you.

Um, we'll have 2 of the number 4 with the fried rice...

and the jasmine tea.

Well, now, what... what can I do for you?

Well, I...

I had to call you 'cause I don't know anybody else in that office, see, and...

It's... It's about Caesar, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

I'm just so worried about him.

He keeps flying all over the place for TA-CAN-CO.

Can't somebody else go for a change? Just give hime a rest.

You should see his passport. He'll have to have it renewed soon.

It's got Rome, Frankfurt, Paris... He's always going to Paris.

Paris? That... That would be my responsibility.

Oh, he must be going on business. He ain't going for fun.

He's worn-out. Honest.

Obviously he's going for...

What's a polite way of putting it..

Personal reasons.

W-W-What?

Personal reasons?

I never thought of that.

Gentlemen. My attention... Thank you.

My attention has been drawn to the fact that...

we've been doing a steadily increasing amount of business with the...

Societe d'Insulation Etoile of Paris.

Now, does anybody here know anything about them?

Uh, yeah. Yes, I do

- You do? - Yes.

It's an interesting company, actually.

A very brilliant young president they've got there...

Claude Debussy... Monsieur Claude...

I hope I do justice to the French.

Yes, he's regarded something of an industrial wizard over there...

- He's made several records... - Well, have you met him? Do you know him?

- Not personally. I've telephoned, but... - Well, then don't you think we should?

I'm... I'm going to the continent tomorrow. I could phone him and make an appointment.

Now you're cooking...

Drop in on him and find out all you can about him.

Well, mark you, I could go as a kind of advance guide if you'd like.

Thank you.

And, well, you know, I could draw up a preliminary report.

I don't... I don't need anyone to make my reports for me.

Oh, Gnatpole, I wasn't suggesting for a moment that you did.

I know how... how useful you are to Carlton here.

Well, thanks anyway, but Gnatpole does our investigating for us on the continent.

- Your decision, Carlton. - Yes, I know.

Thanks all the same, Smith.

Ah... I'll get the water. Huh.

Find out what you can about Societe Etoile, Willard.

Carlton, before Gnatpole goes rushing off to Paris to see Debussy...

could I say something?

Shoot!

No one has a higher regard for your hunches than I do, Carlton.

After all, I owe my job to one of them.

But we have got a 1 million pound computer next door.

Why don't we ask it?

You're right, Caesar.

We're still in the bad habit of using our own minds, aren't we, huh?

I'll go over and, uh, program it.

I've... I've already programmed the computer for that question, Sir.

You have?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I remembered to suppress the...

nominal factors.

Even that.

Good. Good. Get the rest of the team.

Buy!

Buy!

Buy!

Sell.

Well, let's concentrate on the big 3, shall we?

I want a complete report immediately.

Willard, I want you to make the rounds of these companies right away.

Drop in on the plants. Talk to the banks... Put out feelers...

But don't look too anxious.

I think it's my turn to go.

Willard here... he's our expert when it comes to making this kind of deal.

- You couldn't go anyway. - Why not?

Because I have a surprise for you. You've worked hard for almost a year.

- What is this? - Two tickets to the Bahamas for you and Patty.

- Oh no... I couldn't... - Oh, a belated honeymoon. Here.

- Oh, no. Carlton, please. - Never mind.

And when you get back, there's going to be a promotion and a raise.

Oh, no. I can't.

The usual, Patty, one shirt...

white, one tie... regimental, one pair of socks...

and one pair of pajamas.

Well, take the new one. I got you a nice new pair in silk...

with your initials and a coronet on the pocket. Everything.

Huh? What did you want to do that for?

Well, you'll need them in Paris, won't you?

Well, how did you know I was going to Paris?

Gnatpole said.

Gnatpole?

I know why men go to Paris. I'm not daft.

It so happens that nowadays, even the French come over to London for THAT.

Why did you let your hair grow long, then?

Look at it. Go, look at it, all hanging down there.

I haven't had time to go to the barber. You know that.

- Well, what are you going to Paris for, then? - I've got to get there before Gnatpole.

What' s he going for?

He's trying to get there before me.

We are both trying to get there before one another.

Why?

He's trying to take credit for all the deals I carefully put together!

- He wouldn't. - Gnatpole? Oh, come on.

- Yeah, he would. - Yeah.

- Why did he say you always go to Paris for... - Look, well, because he's in love with you, isn't he?

Jealous. Oh, yeah. You're his femme fatale. Always have been.

Oh, if only I could find some way of detaining him in London.

You go and get packed, love.

You mean that?

Yeah.

I'11 keep him here, all right.

I... I believe you're holding space on the... the Paris flight for Gnatpole.

N-A-T?

G-N-A-T... Gnat-pole.

I'm sorry, Sir. Your reservation is cancelled.

Cancelled?

When. .. When's the next flight to Paris?

In three hours.

All right. I'll take that.

Mr. Gnatpolel! What're you doing here?

Oh... well, I was just on the... on the Paris flight for... for business.

Oh, that's nice for you.

You were right about Caesar and his trips to Paris.

Well, I've decided two can play at that game.

Oh, good... I... I don't... don't... don't mean... mean good.

Well, I... I find I have a couple hours to kill.

Why don't... Why don't we have a drink?

Oh, I'd like that. Lovely.

I've got a couple of things I got to do first.

Well, it's no problem.

Well...

So, merci beaucoup.

Beaucoup. Beaucoup. Merci.

Merci beaucoup.

Here, Willard. Willard, what do you think of this one, eh?

Well, er... it isn't quite as drafty as the other one.

Yeah... Which one do you like best?

I like... I like them both, I think.

Shall we have them both, then?

Why not.

Oh, you are good, Willard.

- How much? - 20 pounds.

- 20 pounds. - Oh, 207

It doesn't half make a change meeting a man with a bit of gold.

Oh, sorry.

...vier, fENnf, sechs, gieben, acht, neun, zehn.

Zehntausgend.

Das ist...

Yeah, I could have told you that a half an hour ago.

Oh, look, you got a flight booked on 305... Flight 305.

Yeah, Mr. Gnatpole... Willard Gnatpole.

No, it's G-N...

Yeah. Will you cancel it, please?

I take it you have nothing to declare, sister?

- No, nothing. - Well, I hope you enjoy your visit.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Uh, would you open your bag, Sir?

Me?

Thank you... my son.

Uh..uh... sisters! Uh... yeah...

I think there's been some mistake here.

I'm sorry for the inconve... No, no...

Try this...

Ooh... There... You'll find that lighter, I believe.

Hello, lovel How wag Mr. Gnatpole, huh?

Oh, don't you speak to me. I'm worn out. Ain't it dreadful?

- Dear, you're having dinner with me. - Oh, no, love. Not tonight.

- We're going out. - Oh, I couldn't. Where do you want to go?

On a plane. Get your passport.

Oh, stop larking about.

I'm not. Whoo. Ha ha hal

What you got in here? It weighs a ton.

Oh, open it up. I've got no secrets from you.

What you brought back?

Dear, this is money, isn't it?

Yeah. They told me it was, yes. I wouldn't believe them at first.

You see...

There's about 1 million pounds here.

You've got the exact right figure, you have.

I got a slight raise.

Where did you get...

Here, you never...

Here, you've been stealing!

Well, you want to be careful what you say, you know.

Any fool can steal. Everybody does a bit.

I've been em-bezz-ling.

Uh... Is that what you've been doing on all them trips?

Yeah, I thought it was the other you were doing.

Oh, come one... I would never do anything dishonest like that.

Patty!

Signorita! Signorita?

Lei... Dove chiami? Dove chiami?

How... how... how much?

A Londra? A dove? A Parigi? Dove?

I... I got... I got some with... some with birds and some with trees on them.

A, gi. Bene, bene. Buono. Tutto, e? Grazie.

All of them? Hmm...

H-hello?

Caesar Smith is a thief.

Oh, er... Carlton Klemper, please.

Dear, you can go to jail for embezzling, can't you?

That's why I like to have dinner on the plane, see?

I see...

You're gonna keep it, are you?

That was my intention. Yes.

Well... huh... Better get used to it, then, hadn't I?

- Yes. And pack! - Oh, yeah...

Now, I'll leave that there in case I forget it.

Caesar Smith?

Are you absolutely sure?

Well, of course I'm sure.

No, no! I don't know where he is. Where are you?

I'm at a.. a barbershop in Rome.

Wait... I don't... listen... He's taking a noon plane to the... to the Bahamas.

I bought them the tickets.

No, I'm not going to call the police.

And watch the bottom drop out of TA-CAN-CO stock? You idiot!

You want a bonus? Put your foot on that gas!

Hand luggage under the seat, please.

Huh, when do you expect this to leave?

- In about 5 minutes. - About 5.

About 5 minutes. They always say that.

Wait a minute!

Hold it!

Hold it a minute.

Caesar!

Excuse me, Sir. Would you mind going back to your seat?

I don't have a seat.

Do... do you have a boarding pass that I might see?

No, I don't have a boarding pass.

- You must have a boarding pass. I'm sorry, Sir... - Please. I'm looking for someone. Excuse me.

You can't stay here... But you can't...

- Mr. Mitchell, there is a man without a boarding pass. - Now, then, Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the aircraft.

I don't wish to appear rude, but you're causing unnecessary disturbance.

- All right. All right. - Now! Sir.

We should be landing in Rio de Janeiro in a few minutes time.

Please fasten your seat belts and observe the "No smoking" sign.

- Caesar. We're coming in.

- What is? -We're landing.

Do your seat belt.

You want to follow this man. Don't want to lose you.

Thank you. We'll be here.

Now, what's that?

Oh, that's the Sugar... What are they called... Sugar Cone.

Which are your bags?

These are our bags.

Do you have anything to declare?

No, Senhor. No.

What is in here, please?

Money.

Money.

Enjoy your stay in Brazil!

You know, the worst part of it is we don't know where he is...

and we can't figure out what he's done.

I knew it.

I knew it the minute he walked in.

- There was something about him. - You knew nothing.

I knew he was a crook.

There was nothing wrong with the books.

He ran off with over a million, and we didn't even notice it.

You hired him.

I hired him?!

Yes, I did.

There is Mr. Caesar Smith to see you, Sir.

A who?

Caesar Smith.

Caesar... Caesar Smith?

Yes, Sir.

Don't let him get a... get a... let...

Get him in herel! G-get him in here right away!

Hey! Wait a minute, I hired him.

Good afternoon.

Who the hell are you?

Yes, that's it.

You see, for every pound he paid into one of his own companies,

he charged one of your companies a similar amount.

That's why the books always balanced.

It's a work of art, really.

To think it was all done in my name.

Yes?

A telegram for you, Mr. Klemper.

Read it.

It's from the other Caesar Smith.

It reads, "Please join us in Rio...

...Have lots to talk about.

Don't bring your overcoat. It's very hot out here.

Look forward to seeing you.

Love, Caesar...

Tem alguma coisa a declarar?

Do you have anything to declare?

Uh, no. No.

- Anything to declare? - Nothing.

Open it, please.

Look! Look what this American idiot has brought into this country...

A jar of instant coffee!

[Speaking Portuguese]

No, to confiscate this is not enough... Instant coffee...

Throw it away. Throw it away.

Over there.

No, no, no, no, no! Out, out!

But look. You insured me, didn't you?

- You know you're insured. - Well, then, who am I harming?

What about the insurance companies?

Oh, Mr. Klemper, a midwife needs a baby, right?

An undertaker needs a corpse, right?

An insurance company needs an occasional embezzler.

They ought to be grateful for me. I'm...

reminding them what they're in business for.

There's a.. There's a sort of lunatic poetry in what you say.

I only wish you hadn't taken this time to say it.

Why not?

Because the President of our Corporation...

has just played his last game of golf.

Oh... he's... he's trying to play it with a...

- with an imaginary club, now, is he? - No, no, no... Look, Caesar...

Probably by now, he's a caddy in that greater game up above.

What?

What he's trying to say is he's dead.

Oh, dead? Why didn't you say so? Oh, dear...

We're going to elect a new president next week.

Well, you have to now, don't you?

Well, what chance do you think I'11 have when this gets out?

And it will.

That's... That's why when we got your cable, we came right over.

Oh, I know why you came...

I mean, what cable?! I didn't send you no cable.

Oh, no. I sent them a cable inviting them out.

What for?!

There you are...

This is a getaway!.. No, thanks.

This is a getaway! Isn't it? It's not a paper chase!

Listen, Caesar, don't raise your voice at me, not in my condition.

Now, go on. Give them the money back.

- You're mad. - She's not mad, not mad at all. Thank you, Patty

First of all, will you write us out a check for 1 million pounds?

- You want us to write... - Wait a minute, now!

Patty...

Patty, why on God's earth do you want us to give you a check for million pounds?

For my TA-CAN-CO stock.

Your what?

You have a 1 million pounds worth?

Well, now... It's almost 2 million pounds...

according to this morning's papers.

And I...

You want to sell us 2 million pounds worth of stock for 1 million pounds?

Yeah, that's right. Well, it's fair, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yes.

Very generous... Not only generous...

[CRAZY!]

Oh, go on, Caesar. Don't be so mean. We don't need it. We got plenty more.

More? How?

Well, you know when you'd come back from all them trips...

I used to unpack for you?

I kept finding this money all over the place.

I took your suit to the cleaners.

The woman kept finding money in all the pockets.

It was ever so embarrassing.

I had to start embezzling off you to stop them talking in the high street.

You... You invested this money and made a profit?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

You know them lists you used to make out for me because I was so slow at dictation?

Yes...

Well, I put all the money I found lying around into them companies, and...

when TA-CAN-CO took them over, well, they skyrocketed.

Of course, the first million was the most difficult to me, I can say that.

Still, my broker said it would be. It is.

Your, uh... you made this money while you were an employee of the company, then?

Oh, no... No, I been fired by one of them rotten computers.

I had to rely on Caesar after that.

Caesar fed you the information?

Yeah, I suppose he did, in a way...

See, he used to get so tired after them long flights...

going all over the place, he used to lie and talk in his sleep...

Go over and over these lists of companies, over and over...

I learned them by heart in the end.

So I put the rest of the money into them.

It's absurd, isn't it?

I'm here, I mean, sticking my neck out... Trying to embezzle from you...

and she's been getting more money than I am by just investing.

I'm... I'm sure that... that there's a moral here somewhere...

If I can just find... I don't know what that mo... But that's just...

Patty...

Patty! I invite you to become a member of the board.

Oh, well, that's nice, but, no, you give the place to Caesar.

I mean, a woman's place is in the home, isn't it, making money?

And then perhaps when you're President, Mr. Klemper, there will be room for...

Mr. Gnatpole to be Executive Vice President?

You know, there... there is a certain logic... in what... in what she...

Yes.

- What about him? - Oh, Caesar? Well...

Treasurer?

Gone too far...

No. Come on.

Patty! You're a bloody marvel, you are.

Well, all right then...

Look, uh, if, in fact, I will be taken on this.. Not treasurer of course, but...

Oh, treasurer...

It will mean going home...

Yeah, I know.

Well, that's what I'm getting at, love...

'cause quite honestly, look, I don't care...

I just don't care about the money...

but I can't stand this heat.

I'd much rather have my baby in London, eh?

I don't care about it, honestly.

Well, you're right, of course, as always.

You know, only money, what is it?

It doesn't do any good unless it helps you to...

Well, I can't put it better than that...

Make your dreams come true!

Yeah, who said that, huh? Walt Whitman!

I wouldn't put it past him.

And...

Stately...

Slower. Be over in a minute

How are you? All right?