Original subtitles

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

TATTOO...

TATTOO... TATTOO!

I'M COMING BOSS, I'M COMING.

GOOD MORNING, BOSS.

I AM SORRY TO BE LATE, BUT MY BRITCHES KEEP FALLING DOWN.

MIGHT ONE ASK WHY YOU ARE WEARING THAT RATHER BIZARRE OUTFIT?

OH BOSS, THANKS, MISS VERA TEMPLETON,

THE MILLIONAIRE LADY WHO OWNS MOON MADNESS COSMETICS

IS COMING TO FANTASY ISLAND, RIGHT?

INDEED, SHE IS TATTOO.

AND SHE IS GOING TO FILM A LIPSTICK COMMERCIAL.

SO?

SO MAYBE SHE IS GOING TO NEED A DIRECTOR.

AND WHO IS THE MOST QUALIFIED, TALENTED AND EXPERIENCED FILMMAKER

ON THE ISLAND?

TATTOO, YOU'VE BEEN FANTASIZING AGAIN.

BOSS, DO YOU KNOW A BETTER PLACE TO DO SO?

SMILES EVERYONE, SMILES!

BOSS, HERE SHE COMES,

MISS VERA TEMPLETON OF MOON MADNESS COSMETICS INCORPORATED.

CORRECT MY FRIEND AND THE LITTLE GIRL WITH HER IS HER NIECE, TRACY.

SHE HAS RAISED FROM INFANCY.

THE RATHER PROPER GENTLEMAN IS BENSON,

THE FAMILY BUTLER, CHAUFFEUR, AND MAN OF ALL WORK.

WELL, I THINK I'D DO BETTER TO SEE HER

AND SEE IF SHE NEEDS A DIRECTOR.

TATTOO, IT IS JUST POSSIBLE THAT MISS TEMPLETON MIGHT

FIND USE FOR YOUR TALENTS ON THE SET,

BUT I MUST TELL YOU THAT MAKING THE COMMERCIAL

IS NOT HER PRIMARY PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE.

IT IS NOT?

NO. YOU SEE THE LADY HAS A FANTASY.

SHE DOES?

MRS. TEMPLETON IS ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY,

IT IS THEREFORE, HER FANTASY TO FIND A HUSBAND WHO IS WEALTHY ENOUGH

TO KEEP HER FROM LOSING HER BUSINESS AND THUS SAVING

WHAT SHE FEELS IS HER NIECES RIGHTFUL INHERITANCE.

BECAUSE SHE IS AH AN IMPULSIVE AND WARM HEARTED LADY,

SHE HAS MADE A GREAT MANY UNWISE INVESTMENTS.

INCLUDING LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO HAD NO INTENTION OF PAYING HER BACK.

BOSS, SHE LOOKS LIKE A VERY NICE LADY, BUT KIND OF CUCKOO

WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND A RICH PIGEON TO MARRY HER,

AND HER NIECE, AND HER BUTLER, AND HER DOG.

THAT MY FRIEND, IS MY FANTASY.

BOSS I'VE SEEN THAT MAN BEFORE IT'S LEO DRAKE THE FAMOUS ACTOR.

THAT'S RIGHT. AND THAT PRETTY LADY WITH HIM IS HIS WIFE CARMEN.

UM WHICH ONE OF THEM HAS A FANTASY BOSS?

MR. DRAKE. YOU SEE HE IS WHAT THEY CALL A METHOD ACTOR.

OH I SEE HE LIKES TO BECOME THE PART HE PLAYS,

JUST LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONE OF ROCKY.

PRECISELY TATTOO AND BECAUSE HE IS A METHOD ACTOR

HE HAS COME HERE TO PREPARE FOR HIS NEXT AND MOST CHALLENGING MOVIE ROLE

A PREPARATION THAT COULD PROVE VERY DANGEROUS.

BOSS, WHAT MOVIE IS HE GONNA WORK ON?

A REMAKE OF... DRACULA.

YOU MEAN, LEO DRAKES FANTASY IS TO BECOME A VAMPIRE?

MY DEAR GUESTS I AM MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.

HELLO TRACY... BENSON.

HOW IS THE UH MOON MADNESS LIPSTICK COMMERCIAL COMING ALONG?

ITS THE PITS MR. ROARKE, AUNT VERA SHE GOT SOME NEW TEMPEST

TO DIRECT HE COULDN'T DIRECT TRAFFIC IN A ONE WAY TOWN,

WHAT A MEATBALL! AUNT VERA HAS A WEAKNESS FOR YO-YO'S.

STELLA ARE YOU IN THE MOOD?

I THINK SO.

QUIET ON THE SET!

PLEASE I MUST HAVE QUIET TO CREATE THE PROPER MOOD.

GOOD MORN, HOW NICE TOO SEE YOU AGAIN MR. ROARKE.

THANK YOU MISSES TEMPLETON.

YOUR ISLAND IS DIVINE. TOMORROW MORNING I SHALL DASH ON THE BEACH IN THE

NUDE AND THROW SEASHELLS UP TO THE RISING SUN.

AH MONSIEUR TATTOO. ENCHANTE.

HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE A VIVID FAN OF THE CINEMA.

I HOPE THAT YOU SHALL GIVE ME AN HONEST CRITIQUE OF MY COMMERCIAL.

EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR PLACES.

MRS. TEMPLETON WILL BE READY FOR THE RUN THRU AT ANY MOMENT.

AAH SIDNEY DARLING!

YES MRS. TEMPLETON.

SIDNEY DARLING CAN WE HAVE A RUN THRU?

RUN THRU, RUN THRU!

IS, YOUR AH AUNT ALWAYS SO AH UM ENERGETIC?

WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER AFTER A COUPLE OF MARTINIS. FLAMES SHOOT OUT OF HER NOSE.

QUIET ON THE SET! QUIET ON THE SET!

I SHALL READ THE COMMERCIAL COPY DURING THE PERFORMANCE.

MUSIC, WIND,

CAMERA, ACTION!

A TROPICAL NIGHT RUNS

THE MADDENING BEAT OF THE DRUMS

AND YOU ARE ALONE. THEN HE IS THERE,

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY BREEZE

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO.

WHERE IS MY TROPICAL BREEZE?

I NEED WIND BLOWING THRU MY PALMS AT ONCE.

MOON MADNESS TO THE RESCUE!

WHERE'S MY BREEZE, TURN ON THE MACHINE! TURN IT ON!

AND NOW LONELINESS IS BANISHED

THANKS TO MOON MADNESS EXCITING LIPSTICK.

OH OH! CUT FOR PETE'S SAKES CUT!

I'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

SIDNEY DARLING, IT PAINS ME TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOU ARE TOO IMMATURE TO DIRECT MY COMMERCIAL.

BUT LUCKY I KEPT A POSITION FOR YOU AS A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT.

BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.

OF COURSE.

UH, OH. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

NO DIRECTOR. NOBODY TO DIRECT MY COMMERCIAL AND...

OH MONSIEUR TATTOO.

MONSIEUR TATTOO YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE.

I AM?

COULD YOU TAKE OVER THE DIRECTION OF MY COMMERCIAL PLEASE?

OF COURSE. FOR YOU I DO ANYTHING. TRUST ME DARLING.

BUT FIRST I'VE GOT TO CHECK WITH MY ACTORS.

TRACY, BENSON WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE

IF YOU CAN BE OF ANY HELP TO MONSIEUR TATTOO.

OH OKAY.

WELL... HOW DID I DO?

PERFECT MRS. TEMPLETON.

YOU MADE A COMMERCIAL SEEM A VITAL IMPORTANCE TO YOU.

NOBODY WILL EVER SUSPECT IT WAS JUST YOUR COVER STORY

WHILE YOU ARE ACTUALLY HUNTING FOR A RICH HUSBAND.

GOOD, GOOD. YOU SEE NO MAN IS MORE NERVOUS THEN

WHEN HE FINDS OUT THAT THE WOMAN IS ON THE PROWL FOR A MATE.

OH BY THE WAY, WHEN AM I GOING TO MEET MY PROSPECTIVE MATES?

AT A COCKTAIL PARTY I'VE ARRANGED FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

AHA.

MR. AND MRS. DRAKE,

THERE IS ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE PEOPLE OF THIS VILLAGE,

THEY DON'T CARE MUCH FOR STRANGERS.

THAN YOU'D ADVISE US TO STAY CLOSE TO THE CASTLE?

OH I WOULD, BUT I SHOULD ALSO EXPLAIN THAT

EVEN THOUGH THE CASTLE HAS BEEN VACANT FOR A LONG TIME

IT STILL DOES NOT ENJOY A GOOD REPUTATION.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MR. ROARKE?

THE PEOPLE OF THE VILLAGE AH BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING

EVIL ABOUT THE PLACE,

NO ONE EVER GOES NEAR IT.

AND NOW, ON TO YOUR CASTLE.

GRANDMOTHER IS SOMETHING WRONG?

HE'S COME BACK. JUST AS I KNEW HE WOULD.

- WHO? - HIM.

EVER SINCE WE LEFT THE VILLAGE, I'VE HAD AN UNEASY FEELING.

AND NOW THIS PLACE... IT SCARES ME.

PERHAPS IT THE OLD WORLD AMBIENCE.

THE AREA IS POPULATED BY VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE.

DESCENDANTS OF IMMIGRANTS WHO CAME FROM SOMEWHERE IN ROMANIA

MANY GENERATIONS AGO.

THEY LIVE VERY MUCH AS DID THEIR FORBEARERS.

ROMANIA HUH?

YES WHERE TRANSYLVANIA IS OR WAS.

YES WE KNOW LEO'S ANCESTORS CAME FROM THERE.

WELL, HISTORY IS A LITTLE OBSCURE.

SOME SAY MY ANCESTOR MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE ORIGINAL, COUNT DRACULA.

SO I'VE HEARD.

YES. EXCUSE ME.

OH, ONE MORE THING MR. DRAKE,

I MENTIONED BEFORE THAT THIS CASTLE HAS A SINISTER REPUTATION

AH EVERY TIME I COME HERE, I FELT,

WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY CALL IT FEAR

BUT THERE IS A DEFINITE PRESENCE OF EVIL HERE.

BUT THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S VERY GOOD.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL MR. DRAKE.

DON'T CONFUSE IMAGINATION WITH REALITY.

AND DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME...

POSSESSED? IS THAT THE WORD YOU WERE GOING TO USE?

I MUST BE LEAVING.

I WILL SEE YOU IN TWO DAYS, EXCUSE ME.

HO, HO, OH ATMOSPHERE.

LEO, I HATE TO SAY THIS, I MEAN I KNOW IT'S YOUR FANTASY AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.

HONEY, DON'T BE FOOLISH.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

THE GENTLEMEN WILL REALIZE THAT THIS WHOLE GATHERING

HAS BEEN ARRANGED FOR YOUR BENEFIT MRS. TEMPLETON OF COURSE.

OF COURSE!

SO WHEN YOU ARE READY.

I AM READY FOR THE NUMBER ONE CONTESTANT

OF MY PRINCE CHARMING SWEEPSTAKES.

VERY WELL.

THAT EXOTIC GENTLEMAN IS SHEIK CAMEL HUSIE.

POPULARLY KNOWN AS THE HAWK OF THE DESERT.

MAJORITY STOCK HOLDER OF TRANSGLOBAL PETROLEUM.

SALAAM IAMAFANVEE, I'LL KEEP HIM IN MIND IF I AM DESPERATE.

VERY WELL.

MR. CECIL ENTWISTLE OF ENTWISTLE TOOL AND DIE.

NEXT!!

WELL, I AM AFRAID WE HAVE COME TO THE LAST CANDIDATE.

MR. HOLLIS BUFORD JR. OF H-B PROPERTY ENTERPRISES DALLAS, TEXAS.

ISN'T EXACTLY PRINCE CHARMING IS HE?

BUT THEN BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

ARE YOU SURE HE IS LOADED?

MR. BUFORD OWNS MORE THAN 500 ACRES OF CHOICE PROPERTIES.

WELL 500 ACRES ISN'T SO MUCH. WHERE ARE THEY?

DOWNTOWN DALLAS!

OOH! EXCUSE ME MR. ROARKE.

BY ALL MEANS, MRS. TEMPLETON.

PARDON ME SIR, I NEED SOME ASSISTANCE.

YOU DO?

COULD YOU ORDER ME A BEVERAGE FROM THE BARTENDER?

I SEEM TO BE PLUM OUT OF GRAPE JUICE.

YOU JUST NAME YOUR POISON MADAM.

I'D BITE THE HEAD OFF A RATTLESNAKE FOR YOU.

YOU WOULD!?

MY WORD.

ERICA ERICA!

ERICA ERICA!

YOUR BUSINESS IS GOOD, BUT YOU LOOK TROUBLED!

TROUBLED? OF COURSE IM TROUBLED!

ALL OF YOU SAW WHAT I SAW TODAY.

WE SAW MR. ROARKE TAKING SOME TOURISTS TO THE CASTLE.

HE IS BACK. I SAW HIM! MAGDA SAW HIM.

YOU ALL SAW HIM, BUT YET YOU ARE AFRAID TO ADMIT IT.

PLEASE ERICA, DO NOT START THAT AGAIN.

YOU ARE FOOLS! ALL OF YOU.

I WARNED YOU THAT THIS DAY WOULD ARRIVE FOR YEARS.

I HAVE PREDICTED IT, AND NOW IT HAS.

HAHA ERICA AND HER PREDICTIONS.

FIRST SHE PREDICTS RAIN AND IT NEVER COMES.

THEN SHE PREDICTS CLEAR WEATHER FOR PLANTING AND IT POURS!

AND NOW SHE PREDICTS VAMPIRE!

I KNOW THE PERSON IN THAT CASTLE IS COUNT DRACULA.

AND HE HAS FOUND US AT LAST.

THE DESCENDANTS OF THOSE WHO FLED TRANSYLVANIA

AND ALL THAT EVIL HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO!

GRANDMOTHER I'M FRIGHTENED.

NO, SHH. I'LL SEE NO HARM COMES TO YOU.

LEO?

LEO!

HERE!

I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.

THIS PLACE IS TERRIFIC!

I MEAN THERE ARE SECRET ROOMS AND CORRIDORS, AND BATTLEMENTS.

I'M COLD, THIS PLACE GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

YEAH

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?

MR. ROARKE. HE DIDN'T FORGET A THING.

HOW ABOUT THIS? SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH LEO, PLEASE, TAKE THOSE THINGS OFF.

YOU KNOW THIS PLACE HAS A HUGE BASEMENT.

THERE ARE LOTS OF ROOMS AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT'S IN ONE OF EM.

- WHAT? - A COFFIN.

- OH. - TRANSYLVANIAN DIRT.

OH, LEO! YOU ARE NOT GONNA GO THAT FAR?

WHAT'S REALLY WEIRD, IS I AM KIND OF, AT HOME HERE.

LIKE ME AND GREAT GREAT GRAND DAD HAD, A LOT IN COMMON.

OH LEO, DON'T SAY THAT.

I'M STARVING.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FAVORITE VAMPIRE TO DIE OF MALNUTRITION WILL YOU?

OH THAT'S NOT FUNNY LEO.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO KILL DRACULA.

A WOODEN STAKE RIGHT THRU THE HEART.

YOU ARE COLD AREN'T YA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON?

I WILL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

I AM SURE BUFORD WILL BE RIDING THIS WAY.

AUNT VERA I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS...

YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON A HORSE IN YOUR LIFE AND BENSON CAN'T RIDE EITHER.

YOU COULD GET HURT.

NONSENSE DARLING! ANIMALS LOVE ME.

OH BENSON, DO YOU HAVE YOUR CHEW?

IS THIS PART REALLY NECESSARY MRS. T?

OH, BENSON, PLEASE. PLEASE HELP ME IN MY HOUR OF NEED.

OKAY AUNT VERA, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK YOU ARE BANANAS.

HOLLIS BUFORD IS A GIANT NERD!

ALL RIGHT DARLING, COME ON BENSON, LET'S MOUNT UP.

GOOD GRIEF!

HOLD ON MISS T, I AM COMING!

GOOD GRIEF!

YOU ARE DOING THIS ALL WRONG.

BENSON!!

HANG ON MRS. T!! HANG ON!!

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE WAY TO DO IT?

CORRECT MRS. T, I'LL GET THIS ANIMAL STRAIGHTENED OUT!

OH! OH! OH!

RIDE EM COWGIRL!!

OH! SLOW DOWN HORSY, WATCH IT!

WHY, SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN MR. BUFORD.

LIKEWISE MADAM, IT'S A REAL PLEASURE MEETING UP WITH YOU AGAIN.

ESPECIALLY SEEING AS YOU HUNG IN THERE WITH THAT RUN AWAY.

WHY THANK YOU SIR. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

NOTHING AT ALL.

AUNT VERA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

WHY SURE ENOUGH TRACY SUE HONEY.

SAY HOWDY TO MR. BUFORD.

HOWDY.

MR. BUFORD, THIS IS MY NIECE, TRACY SUE TEMPLETON, SIR.

GLAD TO MEET YA.

NOTHING LIKE SEEING A FAMILY THAT RIDES TOGETHER!

OF ALL THE YEARS, ALL OF US TEMPLETONS RIDE.

CARSON TOO!

WOAH! WOAH, AAHH.

THAT'S MY FOREMAN BENSON,

SURE LIKES THEM TRICK RIDING STUNTS.

HOT DANG! YOU REALLY ARE MY KINDA OF FOLKS.

SAY LISTEN, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CATCH MYSELF SOME NICE FAT JACK RABBITS

OR MAYBE A JUICY IGUANA FOR DINNER ON THE TRAIL.

I'D BE MIGHTY PROUD IF YOU'D CONSENT TO JOIN ME.

WELL I'D BE DELIGHTED, PLUM DELIGHTED!!

DANG!!

LEO, OH THANK GOD YOU ARE BACK. I WAS WORRIED.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?

I DON'T KNOW...

I AM NOT SURE WHO I AM.

I BET YOU ARE GONNA LIKE THIS.

OH SURE!

OUT ON THE PRAIRIE, WHERE THE SNAKE RIVER BENDS,

A MASKED DESPERADO, WAS SHOT BY HIS FRIENDS,

ONE BULLET FOR VENGEANCE, ONE BULLET FOR SIN

AND AFTER THEY SHOT HIM, THEY SHOT HIM AGAIN.

BANGDIDY BANG BANG BANG BOO.

LISTEN TO HIM, HE SOUNDS LIKE A SHEEP WITH A CRAMP.

OF ALL THE WEIRD BOYFRIENDS AUNT VERA HAS EVER HAD,

HE IS THE LOWEST. BOY AM I GLAD YOU BROUGHT THIS CHICKEN.

IF I EVEN HAD TO LOOK AT THAT GUNK HOLLIS WAS FRYING,

I WOULD'VE FAINTED.

I DON'T REALLY THINK HOLLIS IS SO BAD.

THAT COSSACKS POET YOUR AUNT BROUGHT HOME,

WHO KEPT FILLING THE BATH TUB WITH HOME MADE YOGURT,

HE WAS REALLY ROTTEN NEWS.

I KNOW, AUNT VERA HAS PICKED SOME REAL WINNERS.

BUT WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN A COW KICKER LIKE BUFORD.

BEATS ME. BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

ANY MAN WHO GETS THE INTEREST OF YOUR AUNT VERA IS ONE LUCKY SO AND SO.

SHE'S HONEST, SMART, FUNNY AND BEAUTIFUL. SHE...

BENSON, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH AUNT VERA AREN'T YOU?

WELL I... I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN IN LOVE, KIND OF.

BUT DON'T TELL HER I SAID SO.

WELL, MAYBE SOME DAY SHE WILL NEED ME FOR SOMETHING MORE

THAN TOTING LUGGAGE OR PAYING THE LIQUOR STORE.

HOW'D YOU LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT, COWBOY! PLAY IT AGAIN.

WELL SURE MADAM.

OUT ON THE PRAIRIE, WHERE THE SNAKE RIVER BENDS,

A MASKED DESPERADO, WAS SHOT BY HIS FRIENDS,

ONE BULLET FOR VENGEANCE, ONE BULLET FOR SIN

THIS CAN GO ON FOR SOME TIME, WE MIGHT AS WELL KEEP BUSY.

I LIKE AN INDUSTRIALIST TODAY.

UNITED MAGNESIUM ALLOY LOOKS LIKE A COMER.

I DON'T KNOW. BEFORE I SELL ANY OF MY MOON MADNESS STOCK,

TO GO FOR THOSE HIGH RISK ISSUES, I'D RATHER LOOK INTO

GOLD MINE STOCK ON THE BIG BOARD. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HMM, WELL.

ALRIGHT, TAKE ME DOWN PLEASE.

PLACES. PLACES, EVERYBODY PLACES.

ALRIGHT, REMEMBER ON THE MOVIE SET, THE DIRECTOR IS KING.

I WANT TO DO THE SCENE MY WAY.

NOW REMEMBER BE PASSIONATE.

ALRIGHT LET'S DO IT. SOUND.

MUSIC.

LOUDER!

WIND.

CAMERA.

ACTION!

NOW REMEMBER STELLA... THE MAN YOU LOVE IGNORES YOU.

SO YOU PUT ON YOUR MOON SHADOW MADNESS LIPSTICK

AND SUDDENLY HE SEES YOU.

YOU LOVE EACH OTHER BUT YOU RESIST.

BUT THE ATTRACTION IS TOO STRONG.

SUDDENLY, YOU RUN INTO EACH OTHERS ARMS.

RUN!

RUN!

CUT!

TAKE A BREAK, WE DO IT LATER ON.

WOAAAH.

MRS. T MAY I.

YEA YES, WOOPS HAHA.

MISS VERA, YOU'VE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST HOMBRE IN THE WORLD.

I'M PLUM DELIGHTED. BYE SUGAR PUSS.

ADIOS MADAM.

HELP ME BENSON. I THINK I HAVE A BLOWOUT IN MY BODY.

I'VE BEEN OUT ALL MORNING BRANDING COWS. REVOLTING.

WHY DID BUFORD SAY YOU MADE HIM HAPPY, AUNT VERA.

BECAUSE I PROMISED TO MARRY HIM.

ISN'T THAT MARVELOUS?

YOU HAVE TO CALL HIM UNCLE AT ONCE.

THE WEDDING IS TOMORROW. BENSON GET ME TO THE NEAREST SAUNA.

I HAVE GOT A HEADACHE IN MY LEG.

THIS WAY MRS. T.

DON'T FORGET TO CALL HIM UNCLE.

I WON'T EVER CALL HIM UNCLE, I'D RATHER CHEW TOBACCO FIRST!!

I'M SORRY YOU ARE UNHAPPY WITH YOUR AUNTS CHOICE TRACY,

BUT I SUPPOSE FINANCIAL PRESSURES

ARE LIABLE TO AFFECT ANYONE'S JUDGMENT.

WHAT FINANCIAL PRESSURES? AUNT VERA IS MAJORITY STOCK HOLDER

AND SHE'S CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD OF MOON MADNESS, SHE IS LOADED.

I'M SORRY TRACY, PERHAPS I SAID TOO MUCH ALREADY.

I'M SORRY.

MRS. T WILL BE OKAY TRACY.

I'VE GOT THE MASSEUSE WORKING HER OVER IN THE STEAM ROOM.

YOU OKAY, KIDDO?

BENSON LET'S GET OUT THE STOCK HOLDERS FINANCIAL REPORT ON MOON MADNESS.

I THINK AUNTIE VERA HAS BEEN KEEPING SOMETHING FROM US.

HMM, IS THAT SO?

UM HMM.

LEO, PLEASE DON'T GO OUT AGAIN.

LEO, YOU ARE GOING WAY TO FAR WITH THIS.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE NOT ACTING THE ROLE ANYMORE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY BECOMING COUNT DRACULA!

LEO! LEO!!

PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS, WHY AREN'T YOU IN BEDDY BYE?

I WANT YOU TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND RESTED TOMORROW MORNING FOR AUNTIES WEDDING.

OH IT'S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL.

THE PREACHER IS GOING TO STAND IN THE BACK OF CHUCK WAGON.

CUT THE ACT AUNT VERA, I KNOW MOON MADNESS IS IN THE DUMPSTER.

BENSON AND I JUST WENT THRU FIGURES.

OH, THAT'S NOTHING. IT'S JUST A LITTLE PROBLEM IT'S NOTHING.

THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS WILL VOTE YOU OUT AT THE VERY NEXT MEETING.

YOU'LL LOSE THE COMPANY AND EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE.

THAT'S WHY YOU ARE MARRYING THAT RICH CLOD HOPPER, ISN'T IT?

DARLING, IT'S MY FOOLISHNESS THAT GOT MOON MADNESS INTO TROUBLE.

SO IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IT OUT.

YOU SEE IF I LOSE CONTROL OF THE BUSINESS,

400 OF THE MOST TRUSTED EMPLOYEES WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS,

AND I SQUANDERED AWAY YOUR INHERITANCE.

BECAUSE YOU SEE DARLING, I WANT THIS BUSINESS TO BE YOURS ONE DAY.

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LITTLE GIRL,

I ALWAYS WANTED AND I NEVER HAD.

BUT HOLLIS BUFORD IS SUCH A JERK!

HE'S SUCH A NICE JERK AND I'M GONNA TRY TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

NOW, COME ON LET US HAVE A NICE SMILE.

COME ON AND LET ME DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

WELL, I HAVE THOSE SHARES OF MOON MADNESS YOU GAVE ME

FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS AND EVERYTHING!

AND IF WE PUT OUR SHARES TOGETHER

MAYBE WE WILL HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO KEEP YOU UP ON THE BOARD.

AND BENSON HAS SOME SHARES TOO.

DARLING, I DO LOVE YOU,

AND I REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE OFFER BUT...

YOU SEE, WE HAVE TO BE PRACTICAL.

I HAVE ONLY 30 PERCENT OF THE VOTING SHARES,

AND I NEED ANOTHER 21 PERCENT TO BE IN CONTROL.

WHICH IS THOUSANDS OF THOUSANDS OF SHARES.

BE STRONG MY DARLING, I NEED YOU STRONG.

OH, GOD NO!

MY BABY, MY BABY!!

OH MY CHILD! DID YOU SEE WHAT THE VAMPIRES HAS DONE?

HE HAS KILLED HER! CAN THERE BE ANY DOUBT IN YOUR MIND?

NOW CAN THERE?

STILL WE HAVE NO PROOF.

HOW MUCH PROOF DO YOU WANT?

HOW MANY MORE YOUNG BODIES DO YOU WANT RAVAGED BY THAT MONSTER?

ANSWER ME!

THE VAMPIRE MUST BE DESTROYED OR THERE WILL BE NO PEACE IN OUR VILLAGE.

NOT ONE OF US WILL BE SAFE

OR WE WILL ALL SIT IN OUR HOUSES AT NIGHT WAITING,

JUST WAITING FOR THAT MONSTER TO ATTACK!

WE MUST DESTROY HIM FIRST!

WITH A STAKE THROUGH HIS HEART!

YES!!!

LEO! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHAT HAPPENED?

LEO I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG. YOU WERE GONE FOR HOURS.

TRY TO REMEMBER. TRY TO REMEMBER LEO.

THEY ARE COMING FOR ME!

- THEY ARE COMING ME. - LEO!

OPEN THE CASKET!

NOO!

WHERE IS THE COUNT?

THERE IS NO COUNT DRACULA, MY FRIENDS. EXCEPT IN FICTION.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS! HE IS A VAMPIRE.

THE MAN YOU SEEK IS AN ACTOR, NOT A VAMPIRE.

I DOUBT THAT, YOU'VE NOT SEEN

WHAT HE DID TO HER, YOUR SO CALLED ACTOR!

WE ALL KNOW A GREAT DEAL ABOUT VAMPIRES, DON'T WE?

INCLUDING THE FACT THAT THEY CANNOT SURVIVE, THE LIGHT OF DAY.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT MADAME?

THEY CRUMBLE TO DUST WHEN THE SUN HITS THEM!

THEN ALL WE NEED TO DO, IS FIND THE VAMPIRE AND EXPOSE HIM TO SUNLIGHT.

THE EVIL CREATURE WILL BE NO MORE

AND NONE OF YOU GOOD PEOPLE WILL BE MURDERERS.

THE ROOSTER CROWS. SOON DAYLIGHT WILL BE AMONG US.

MRS. DRAKE DO YOU BELIEVE YOUR HUSBAND IS A VAMPIRE?

CERTAINLY NOT! BUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT HE BELIEVES.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME PLEASE.

MR. DRAKE, WILL YOU PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

WILL YOU PLEASE STAND THERE.

SO... YOU CAN SEE,

MR. DRAKE IS NOT A VAMPIRE.

HE NEVER WAS.

WHAT ABOUT MAGDA? WHAT ABOUT...

I CAN CLEAR THAT UP ALSO, TATTOO.

YOU SEE, NO TEETH MARKS ON HER PRETTY NECK.

AND YOUR OWN VILLAGE DOCTOR CONFIRMED THAT

THIS YOUNG LADY WAS DRUGGED. SHE IS A BIT SLEEPY I THINK.

ERICA, WHERE IS SHE?

GONE, VANISHED SOMEWHERE.

YOU SEE, SHE KNEW THE GIRL MAGDA WAS UNHARMED.

IN FACT, SHE EVEN PLACED THE PUNCTURE MARKS ON HER NECK HERSELF.

BUT WHY?

TO INSIGHT HER FELLOW VILLAGERS TO MURDER YOU MR. DRAKE,

AND USING THE SECRET OF THAT CRIME TO GAIN POWER OVER THEM.

PRAYING UPON THE UNCONSCIOUS FEARS, THE LATENT SUPERSTITIONS OF OTHERS,

ONLY TO FATTEN HER FEELINGS OF SELF IMPORTANCE.

MR. ROARKE, THANK YOU. YOU ARE QUITE A PERFORMER YOURSELF.

DEARLY BELOVED, AND HOWDY FRIENDS.

I WILL COMMENCE MY SERVICE JUST AS SOON AS THE BRIDE AND GROOM ARRIVE.

AND THAT OUGHT TO BE ANY MOMENT NOW.

I WONDER WHY TRACY AND BENSON AREN'T HERE.

YES. WELL, I'M SURE THEY WILL TURN UP MISS TEMPLETON.

OH I HOPE SO!

BOSS, I WISH THE AREA, I WANNA RE SHOOT MY COMMERCIAL.

YES, HOW THOUGHTLESS OF THEM TO PUT AN UNIMPORTANT THING

LIKE A WEDDING AHEAD OF THAT.

YEE HAW!

THE BRIDE GROOM'S HERE!

JUDGE RANDOLPH, NOW YOU CAN GET ON WITH THE SERIOUS MARRYING.

COME ON HONEY.

NOW THAT THE HOOPIN' AND THE HOLLERING CEREMONIAL IS OVER,

I SHALL PROCEED.

DO YOU VERA GROSNERVE MEREDITH DONE STABLE TEMPLETON LITTLE DARLIN'

TAKE THIS OLD COW HAND AS YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

STOP THE WEDDING!

STOP THE WEDDING! STOP THE WEDDING!!

TRACY! TRACY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I CAN TELL YOU WHAT SHE IS SAYING.

YOU DON'T NEED TO MARRY HIM.

HERE ARE ALL THE SHARES YOU NEED TO RETAIN CONTROL OF BLUE MOON MADNESS.

YOU DON'T NEED BUFFALO BULL TO BAIL YOU OUT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL IT'S REALLY KINDA SIMPLE,

ALL THOSE YEARS TRACY AND I WERE STUDYING THE MARKET AS A HOBBY,

I WAS INVESTING THE SHARES YOU GAVE US

FOR BIRTHDAYS AND BONUSES.

TRACY'S TOO?

I'M AFRAID SO. EVEN TRACY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT UNTIL THIS MORNING.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH OUR BROKER

AND UGH, HERE IS THE CURRENT TALLY.

I HAVE 43,00 SHARES AND BENSON HAS 51,855,

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 94,855.

AUNTIE VERA YOU CAN KEEP THE COMPANY!

YAHOOO! OH DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

IT JUST SEEMS THAT YOU AND I WILL HAVE TO REMAIN SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NIGHT.

DANG NABIT. NOW I GOTTA GET ME A DATE FOR THE RODEO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S DOING WHAT I ASKED HIM TO DO AUNT VERA.

IF YOU WANNA KEEP THE COMPANY THERE IS A STRING ATTACHED.

MRS. T. VERA. I LOVE YOU!

I'VE LOVED YOU FOR YEARS.

BUT I'M THRU STANDING IN THE BACKGROUND

WHILE YOU MARRY ANYONE WHO CAN WALK YOU TO THE ALTER.

IF YOU WANT THESE MOON MADNESS SHARES YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME.

I NEVER KNEW YOU COULD BE SO MASTERFUL BENSON.

MAURICE!

MAURICE, MAURICE!

I'D LOVE TO MARRY YOU!!

BYE MR. ROARKE. TATTOO, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

OH, IT WAS A PLEASURE, MRS. DRAKE.

SHOULD YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE IN ANY OF YOUR FUTURE ACTING ROLES,

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO RETURN.

THANK YOU, BUT I PREFER HIM REVERSING HIS ROLES

IN A GOOD OLD LIBRARY BACK HOME.

OH, ONE LAST THING MR. DRAKE.

I HAVE YOUR GENEALOGY TRAITS AND IT APPEARS THAT ONE OF YOUR ANCESTORS,

DID INDEED COME FROM TRANSYLVANIA.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU!

HOWEVER, YOUR FORBEAR WAS NOT COUNT DRACULA,

BUT IT WAS THE COUNTS CARETAKER.

WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T IN MY GENES.

MAYBE IT WAS ALL IMAGINATION.

PERHAPS IT WAS MR. DRAKE.

THANKS GENTLEMAN.

YOU ARE VERY WELCOME MR. DRAKE.

- GOODBYE. - GOODBYE.

WELL, MR. AND MRS. BENSON. AND HOW ARE OUR TWO NEWLYWEDS?

ECSTATIC MR. ROARKE. AND AS FOR YOUR FANTASY,

THERE IS ONLY ONE WORD, FANTASTIC!

I AM SO PLEASED!

BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE ANY NEWS OF THE TV COMMERCIAL SCREENING?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

ALL OF OUR BOARD OF DIRECTORS SAW THE COMMERCIAL THIS MORNING,

AND THEY WANTED ME TO CONVEY TO YOU, OUR UNDYING GRATITUDE.

WELL THEN, AND THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I'M FREE,

TO SHOOT THE NEXT COMMERCIAL?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, NO!

YOU SEE, AFTER THEY SAW THE COMMERCIAL,

THEY DECIDED TO DROP MOON MADNESS LIPSTICK FROM OUR LINE.

GOODBYE MR. BENSON.

GOODBYE AND THANK YOU!!