Original subtitles

♪♪

THE PLANE! THE PLANE!

DO I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE GRADUATING

FROM SOMETHING, TATTOO?

NO, BOSS. IT'S A NEW SCIENCE OF PLANTING DIPLOMAS.

FOR 50 BUCKS, I CAN MAKE ANYBODY A PH.D. IN ANYTHING THEY WANT.

YOU'RE RUNNING A DIPLOMA MILL?

WELL, BOSS, I THOUGHT THEY WILL BRING SOME CLASS TO THE ISLAND.

I'M RUNNING A SPECIAL THIS WEEK.

FOR 10 BUCKS A PIECE, I CAN MAKE YOU A BACHELOR DEGREE.

CHATTERING

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU ARE MAKING CHESTER A DOCTOR?

DON'T WORRY, BOSS. HE CANNOT PRACTICE YET.

HE STILL OWE ME 30 POUNDS OF BANANA FOR HIS TUITION.

OUR GUESTS ARE WAITING.

BOSS, BOSS! WAIT FOR ME!

SMILES, EVERYONE! SMILES!

♪♪

AH, MRS. DRUSILLA ROBERTS OF BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

HMM, SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR, BUT...

WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE HER

WITHOUT A UNIFORM AND A HELMET.

DON'T TELL ME. SHE'S ROWDY ROBERTS!

THE LEAD RUNNER ON THE BOSTON BRUISER.

I WATCH IT ON TV ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

YES, IT IS INDEED ROWDY ROBERTS,

HAILED FAR AND WIDE AS QUEEN OF THE ROLLER SKATERS.

I KNOW WHAT HER FANTASY IS.

WHAT?

SHE WANTS TO BEAT UP HOOLIGAN HANREDDY

WITHOUT THE REFEREE STOPPING HER.

HOOLIGAN HANREDDY?

YES. SHE'S ROWDY'S WORST ENEMY.

SHE'S A TERRIBLE WOMAN.

SHE SKATES FOR THE CLEVELAND COMMANDOS.

I SEE. WELL, I'M HAPPY TO SAY

ROWDY WANTS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT.

HER FANTASY FOR THE WEEKEND IS TO BE A LADY, TATTOO.

ROWDY A LADY?

YES, MY FRIEND. YOU SEE, SHE BELIEVES

HER DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON IT.

HMM.

MR. AND MRS. TED GARMAN. HE'S A MAN ON HIS WAY UP,

PERHAPS DESTINED FOR THE VERY TOP.

AS AN ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY,

HE'S MADE AN ENVIABLE REPUTATION.

NOW HIS WIFE WANTS HIM TO RUN FOR ATTORNEY-GENERAL.

WHAT'S HIS FANTASY, OR IS IT HERS?

NEITHER. IT'S THE FANTASY

OF MR. JOE BECK, THE OTHER GENTLEMAN.

YOU SEE, LIEUTENANT GARMAN WAS A PLATOON LEADER IN VIETNAM.

NOW EX-SERGEANT BECK HAS ASKED HIS LIEUTENANT HERE

TO RELIVE THE MOST EXCITING EXPERIENCE OF THEIR LIVES...

THE THREE DAYS THEY SPENT IN THE JUNGLE,

TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM THE VIET CONG.

WHY WILL THEY WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN?

MR. BECK APPARENTLY HAS HIS REASONS,

AND MR. GARMAN COULD HARDLY REFUSE

WHEN HIS OLD BUDDY PUT IT TO HIM,

AS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

MY DEAR GUESTS, I AM MR. ROARKE, YOUR HOST.

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!

A MEAL FIT FOR A QUEEN.

OH, TATTOO. THANK YOU.

OH, SON OF A GUN. A GAL COULD SURE

OVERDOSE ON THE CALORIES AROUND HERE.

MISS ROBERTS,

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR, PLEASE,

AND SIGN MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK?

ONLY IF YOU DROP THE MRS.

JUST CALL ME ROWDY.

I'VE BEEN A WIDOW FOR 12 YEARS NOW.

I CAN'T CALL YOU ROWDY. YOUR IDENTITY IS TOP SECRET.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

AH, MISS ROBERTS. ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF?

WELL, MR. ROARKE, I'D ENJOY MYSELF A LOT MORE

IF I COULD FEEL SURE

THAT I COULD PASS MUSTER AS A REFINED LADY.

PASS MUSTER?

MY DAUGHTER'S MARRYING

INTO A SOCIALLY PROMINENT FAMILY, TATTOO.

YOU EVER HEARD OF WENDOVER STEEL?

WENDOVER STEEL, MM. THEY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.

MRS. ROBERTS FEARS THE WENDOVERS

WILL NOT ACCEPT HER DAUGHTER SHIRLEY

IF THEY FIND OUT HER MOTHER IS ACTUALLY

A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER WITH THE BOSTON BRUISERS.

YOU MEAN THEY ARE SNOBS?

HEY, LOOK. JUST TELL ME RIGHT OUT IF YOU THINK

YOU CAN'T DO IT. I MEAN, I MAY BE A HOPELESS CASE.

OH, COME NOW, MRS. ROBERTS. WHERE'S YOUR FAITH?

THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND,

AND HERE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

UH, DO YOU SEE THAT GENTLEMAN OVER THERE?

UH-HUH.

HIS NAME IS FELIX VAN DYKE.

HE WILL BE TEACHING YOU THE SOCIAL GRACES.

I PICKED HIM UP MYSELF.

HE CAME HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY MY COUSIN HUGO.

YOUR COUSIN HUGO?

I THOUGHT, AFTER THAT LAST BUSINESS DEAL WITH HIM,

WE AGREED...

BUT BOSS, THIS GUY'S A WINNER

AND VERY CHEAP.

UH, MRS. ROBERTS, MAY I INTRODUCE MR. FELIX VAN DYKE.

WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO TURN ME INTO A LADY, HUH?

WELL?

WELL?

OH, I GET IT. IT'S A SORT OF JOKE.

A JOKE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY A JOKE?

TATTOO, I COULD AS EASILY TURN HER INTO A LADY

AS I COULD TURN YOU INTO A BASKETBALL CENTER.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS TOO MUCH TO WISH FOR.

HONEY, WAIT, HONEY.

IF THIS JERK CANNOT MAKE YOU A LADY,

I'M SURE THAT MR. ROARKE AND I CAN HELP YOU.

MR. ROARKE CAN DO ANYTHING.

WELL, IF MY PROFESSIONAL OPINION IS NOT TO BE RESPECTED...

I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR MR. VAN DYKE'S RUDENESS,

MISS ROBERTS. I AM TRULY SORRY.

YOUR COUSIN HUGO.

MR. ROARKE?

IS WHAT TATTOO SAID RIGHT?

COULD YOU STILL MAKE ME A LADY?

IF YOU ARE CERTAIN THAT IS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT.

OH, MR. ROARKE, ALL MY LIFE WHAT I AM IS...

HAS JUST NEVER REALLY BEEN GOOD ENOUGH.

WELL, I MEAN EVEN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW,

I WAS HUSKY. I WAS STRONG.

I WAS BIG.

OH, DARN. I WAS UGLY.

I WAS SO UGLY, NOBODY PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME

UNLESS I OUT-BOYED THE BOYS.

OH...

IF COULD JUST PULL IT OFF JUST THIS ONCE.

IF I COULD JUST...

BE FRILLY AND REFINED.

DON'T YOU SEE? I...

I WANT MY LITTLE GIRL TO BE PROUD OF ME.

PLEASE?

MRS. ROBERTS...

YOU SHALL BE THE GRANDEST LADY ON FANTASY ISLAND.

I WONDER WHY WE'RE HERE.

THIS IDEA IS BEGINNING TO SEEM SO RIDICULOUS.

MY DEAR HUSBAND.

CAN'T YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

YOU ARE BECOMING AN IMPORTANT MAN WITH A FUTURE.

THAT SEEMS TO WORRY YOU MORE THAN IT DOES ME.

WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THE JOB THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW?

I ONLY WANT YOU TO DO GOOD ON A BIGGER SCALE.

NOW, HONEY, IF YOU DECIDE TO TRY FOR ATTORNEY-GENERAL,

THIS REUNION WILL REMIND PEOPLE YOU WERE A WAR HERO.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT...

BUT, UH, SPENDING THREE DAYS ON AN ISLAND PARADISE

WITH JOE BECK IS NOT EXACTLY MY IDEA OF PARADISE.

TED, THE POOR GUY'S BEEN IN AND OUT

OF ONE VA HOSPITAL AFTER ANOTHER. NOW, IF THIS HELPS US,

I'M HOPING IT HELPS HIM, TOO.

TOULOUSE-LAUTREC.

VERY GOOD.

PICASSO.

YES, YES!

REMBRANDT.

YOU'RE DOING FINE.

PLAYBOY?

PLAYBOY?

WELL, SHE'S NAKED, AIN'T SHE?

NOW, LET'S SEE. UM...

PANAMA TAKES CONTROL OF ITS CANAL IN WHAT YEAR?

2000.

EXCELLENT.

MR. ROARKE,

IF PANAMA GAINS CONTROL OF ITS CANAL IN THE YEAR 2000,

WHO'S GOT IT NOW?

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE... AH!

OH, TATTOO. I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE GOT ALL THE GRACE OF A DRUNKEN GIRAFFE.

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND A ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND A ONE... OW!

MAYBE I OUGHT TO DO WHAT I'M BEST AT.

WHAT'S THAT?

INTERMISSION.

BOSS...

DID YOU EVER HAVE A FANTASY WHICH DID NOT WORK?

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE MI CHOW 1.

EVEN THE RIVER DOWN THERE.

THIS IS A FANTASTIC RECREATION, MR. ROARKE.

I AM SO GLAD YOU'RE PLEASED.

UH, I BELIEVE YOUR UNIT ESCAPED THE VIET CONG PRISON CAMP

DURING THE NIGHT, AM I CORRECT?

THAT'S RIGHT. THE ONLY WAY WE MADE IT

WAS TO SLIP OUT ONE AT A TIME IN 10-MINUTE INTERVALS.

WE COULD SEE THIS HILL FROM THE CAMP DOWN BELOW.

WE USED THAT AS OUR RENDEZVOUS POINT.

SO YOU WERE 32 MILES INSIDE OF ENEMY-HAILED TERRITORY.

THAT'S HOW FAR WE HAD TO GO TO MAKE IT BACK TO OUR LINES.

THAT'S ALMOST EXACTLY HOW FAR YOU MUST GO NOW.

BUT I MUST WARN YOU, IN A FANTASY THIS EXOTIC,

I CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY.

ONCE YOU BEGIN, YOU ARE OUT OF MY HANDS.

OF COURSE, YOU MAY TURN BACK NOW

OR NEVERMORE.

DON'T WORRY, MR. ROARKE. NO ONE'S TURNING BACK.

AND YOU FEEL THE SAME, MR. GARMAN?

YES, I GUESS I DO.

THEN FROM HERE YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.

GOOD LUCK, SOLDIERS.

THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE.

SO, WE'RE HERE.

FINALLY.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU TOLD ME

WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT, I THINK.

YOU SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

LIFE, DEATH?

IT IS. BELIEVE ME.

UH, JOE,

I KNOW ABOUT THE TROUBLES YOU'VE HAD SINCE NAM.

I'M ALL RIGHT. I'M ALL RIGHT,

SO DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP.

DON'T, UH...

DON'T GET MY HOPES UP?

PACKED THESE MYSELF.

THESE ARE COMBAT PACKS.

WHAT'S IN 'EM?

THE USUAL.

I OWN A COUPLE OF IDENTICAL KNOCKED DOWN M76'S.

M76'S? SEVEN CLIPS EACH.

SEVEN CLIPS EACH? WHAT FOR?

THERE CAN'T BE THAT MANY ANIMALS IN THIS JUNGLE.

FOR OUR PRIVATE LITTLE WAR.

WHICH STARTS IN EXACTLY...

10 MINUTES.

OUR PRIVATE WAR?

WHY?

YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU DON'T KNOW.

AFTER YOU GOT WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY SQUAD,

MY KID BROTHER JACK, MASSACRED BY THOSE CONG.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?

I WASN'T EVEN THERE!

YOU WERE OUT SPILLING YOUR GUTS TO THE CONG

TO SAVE YOUR OWN SKIN!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

LET'S BE SENSIBLE ABOUT THIS.

YOU'D BETTER MOVE IT, SIR.

YOU HAVE EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES.

NOW YOU'RE BEING SENSIBLE, SIR.

NOTHING WILL SAVE YOU.

NOW RUN!

THIS WAR'S ABOUT TO START!

LOOK OUT! HERE COMES ROWDY ROBERTS,

AND SHE IS ON STEP. SHE'S FEELING...

LOOK OUT... HAD HER OVER THE RAILING!

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD THE PHONES!

HERE COMES HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

SHE'S TURNING AROUND AT ROWDY ROBERTS.

IT IS OPEN, UNDETERRED WARFARE!

HANREDDY AND ROBERTS, THEY'RE GOING AT IT.

THE REFEREE'S GOING TO GIVE THEM THE AXE.

ALL THREE ARE ON THE FLOOR.

NO, MAKE IT FOUR. ANOTHER REFEREE GETS IN THE ACT.

THE BRUISERS AND TORNADOES GET TOGETHER.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AND USUALLY DOES,

AND THE CROWD IS GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE!

NOW TO YOU, NICK!

WELL, FOLKS, HERE SHE IS...

THE BOSTON BRUISER, ROWDY ROBERTS, HERSELF.

OH, OH!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, LADIES,

LADIES, AND I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY.

LET'S NOT HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FAMOUS DONNYBROOKS

HERE ON TELEVISION.

I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NICE, QUIET WORD WITH ROWDY

ABOUT WHAT WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE IN THE SECOND HALF.

YOU CAN EXPECT TO SEE STARS.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU A FISTFUL NEXT.

I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR ARM,

AND THEN I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR...

HEY! IT'S A DELAYED TAPE OF THE PLAYOFFS.

IT WAS BOSTON VS. CLEVELAND.

WE WON 82-80.

WELL, TATTOO, HOW DO I LOOK?

MR. ROARKE PICKED OUT EVERYTHING PERSONALLY.

ROWDY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, REAL ELEGANT.

THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU BOTH FOR EVERYTHING.

OH, IT'S OUR PLEASURE.

HOWEVER, SOMETHING HAS BEEN PUZZLING ME, MISS ROBERTS.

JUST HOW LONG DO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER

PLAN TO DELUDE THE WENDOVERS?

DELUDE?

WELL, YOUR TRUE IDENTITY MUST COME OUT EVENTUALLY.

IS THIS DUPLICITY WISE?

NO. NO, IT'S JUST SOMETHING

THAT GOT STARTED AND NEVER GOT STOPPED,

BUT DO YOU THINK IT'S THAT BAD

IF I DON'T TELL THEM UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING?

TALKING ABOUT THE WEDDING,

YOUR DAUGHTER SHIRLEY AND A WENDOVER JUST ARRIVED.

YES. IN FACT, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MEET THE WEDDING PARTY.

OH, MR. ROARKE, I'M SCARED TO DEATH.

I MEAN, JUST THE THOUGHT OF FACING THOSE WENDOVERS

AND ALL THEIR MILLIONS...

MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING.

WHAT AM I SAYING?

HEY, YOU KNOW? I KNOW YOU FELLOWS TRIED YOUR BEST,

BUT I JUST SEE A 40-YEAR-OLD, 14-CARAT FRAUD.

COME NOW, MISS ROBERTS.

WHERE IS YOUR FAITH?

I TOLD YOU THIS IS FANTASY ISLAND.

I'M COMING, GARMAN! I'M COMING!

JOE! LISTEN TO REASON!

LOOK, I CHECKED UP ON YOU AT THOSE HOSPITALS!

I KNOW YOU HAD PROBLEMS GETTING YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT!

THAT'S WHY I NEVER BLAMED YOU!

BLAMED ME? FOR WHAT?

FOR SELLING US OUT AND SAVING YOURSELF!

YOU'RE SAYING I SOLD YOU OUT?

WELL, WHO STAYED WARM AND COZY WITH THE CONG TO THE CLEAR END?

WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE DIED BUT ME?

YOU'RE A LIAR, GARMAN!

YOU GOT MY BROTHER KILLED, AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT!

ALL RIGHT, JOE...

IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT.

FROM NOW ON, IT'S EITHER YOU OR ME.

OH, MR. ROARKE!

YOUR PLAN IS REALLY WORKING.

ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK, AND ALREADY THE DOCTOR SAYS

I'VE LOST 50 POUNDS AND GETTING IN GREAT SHAPE!

OH, CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BUSBY.

IN ANOTHER WEEK YOU'LL BE DOWN TO AN EXTRA-LARGE SWEAT SUIT.

OH, AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, MR. ROARKE.

ALL THOSE YEARS I TRIED LOSING WEIGHT,

BUT I NEVER HAD THE WILLPOWER TO STAY ON THE DIETS

OR EXERCISE SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS, NOT UNTIL I CAME HERE.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. ROARKE.

OH, THANK TATTOO. I PLACED HIM

IN PERSONAL CHARGE OF YOUR TRAINING PROGRAM.

COME ON, MEL!

HURRY, MEL! HURRY!

HO, HO, HO!

TATTOO...

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

OH, IT'S PART OF MR. BUSBY'S TRAINING PROGRAM.

YOU DON'T MEAN...

OH, YES. I TOLD MR. BUSBY IF HE COULD CATCH ONE,

WELL, HE COULD KEEP HER.

WAIT FOR ME! KEEP IT UP, MEL!

SLOW DOWN! OH, YOU'RE DOING GREAT!

YOU'VE CERTAINLY PLANNED A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING, MR. ROBERTS.

THANK YOU.

SHIRLEY TELLS ME YOU'RE IN BALL BEARINGS.

WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

WELL, ARE YOU, OR ARE YOU NOT IN BALL BEARINGS?

WELL, ACTUALLY, AUNT BETTY...

MAY I CALL YOU AUNT BETTY?

NO, YOU MAY CALL ME MISS WENDOVER.

OH.

WELL, MISS...

IT'S REALLY NO BIG THING.

IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO WENDOVER STEEL.

LET'S GO FOR A WALK.

THEY SURE DO MAKE A GREAT-LOOKING COUPLE, DON'T THEY?

WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

OH, THERE'S NO ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR A HUSBAND.

YOU SEE, SINCE MY BROTHER'S WIFE DIED,

I'VE MANAGED HIS ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD

AND HAD THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BRINGING HIS SON UP PROPERLY.

AND ALMOST MADE IT A FULL-TIME JOB

OF PROTECTING THE WENDOVER NAME AND SOCIAL STANDING.

PROTECTING IT FROM WHAT?

FROM THE WRONG SORT OF PEOPLE.

KIRK...

YOU KNOW THAT BUSINESS ABOUT MY MOTHER

BEING IN BALL BEARINGS?

I NEVER SHOULD'VE MENTIONED IT.

HONEY, I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S IN BALL BEARINGS

OR ON FBI MOST WANTED LIST.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR MOTHER.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

KIRK... SHH.

AH, THERE YOU ARE.

COME ALONG, CHILDREN.

I WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH FAST.

LIFE IS SO COMPLICATED TODAY.

WEDDINGS ALWAYS USED TO BE ALIKE.

NOW EVERY COUPLE WANTS TO STAGE THEIR OWN,

LIKE THEY'RE GENE KELLY OR SOMETHING.

THANK HEAVENS YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING FANCY

BECAUSE WE CAN DO IT FAST. NOW, TURN AROUND.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT. NOW...

NOW, WHEN I PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE,

YOU KISS THE BRIDE. GO AHEAD.

OKAY, OKAY.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

AND MAYBE THIS IS MY DAY TO MAKE PAR.

HELLO, REVEREND.

EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.

OH, GOOD. GOOD!

OH, IT'S HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

COME IN.

IS MR. ROARKE HERE?

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

WHAT IS IT, MRS. ROBERTS?

HOOLIGAN HANREDDY IS HERE!

WELL, SHE'S MY VERY WORST ENEMY,

AND SHE'S RIGHT HERE ON THE ISLAND,

AND I JUST KNOW SHE'S GOING TO BLOW MY COVER.

OH, BE CALM, PLEASE.

OH, HOW CAN I BE CALM? YOU PROMISED ME

THAT MY DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE WOULD GO OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

WELL, I HATE TO CONTRADICT YOU, MRS. ROBERTS.

BUT I MADE NO SUCH PROMISE.

YOU DID! NO, I GUARANTEED

THAT YOU WOULD BE A GENTEEL LADY FOR THE WEEKEND,

DURING WHICH TIME YOU WOULD GIVE

YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY IN MARRIAGE.

YOU DO NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND.

IF HOOLIGAN AND I GET TOGETHER,

THERE IS NO WAY I CAN BE A GENTEEL LADY.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I SUGGEST

YOU NOT GET TOGETHER WITH MISS HANREDDY.

HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT?

WELL, UH, LET'S SEE NOW.

ALL WE HAVE

IS THE PRENUPTIAL DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT,

THE WEDDING THE DAY AFTER THAT,

BOTH PRIVATE AFFAIRS,

SO IF WE RESTRICT THEM TO GUESTS ONLY,

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO AVERT WORLD WAR III,

DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

NOTHING. NUH, NUH, NOTHING, NOTHING, BOSS.

WELL, SOMETHING IS CERTAINLY GOING ON,

AND I WANT TO KNOW WHAT.

IT'S JUST THE OLD GRADS WHO CAME BACK FOR ALUMNI DAY.

THEY WANTED TO SING THE FIGHT SONG ONE MORE TIME, YOU KNOW?

DID THEY, REALLY?

MM-HMM.

AND WHAT, MAY I ASK, IS THAT?

OH, THAT. WELL, UH, THEY MADE ME TAKE IT.

IT'S THE ENDOWMENT FUND FOR THE FANTASY ISLAND COLLEGE.

WELL, I SUGGEST THAT YOU RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY

AND ALL OF YOU GET BACK TO WORK.

ENDOWMENT FUND, INDEED.

OKAY, BOSS.

OKAY, JUST TAKE THAT. THERE. THERE. THERE.

COME ON. LET'S GO, LET'S GO. COME!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, CHESTER?

UH!

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

FOR THE LAST TIME, LISTEN TO ME.

LOOK. I'VE GOT A WIFE I LOVE, TWO KIDS AND A FUTURE,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TAKE ALL THAT AWAY,

EVEN IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU TO STOP YOU!

NOW, LET'S GO BACK,

AND WE'LL NEVER MENTION WHAT YOU DID AGAIN.

WHAT I DID?

WHY, YOU!

UH!

SHIRLEY,

DO I LOOK ALL RIGHT?

OH, YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOTHER IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OH, BABY.

JUST THINK, TOMORROW YOU'LL BE MRS. WENDOVER

OF WENDOVER STEEL.

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

IF YOU HADN'T SENT ME TO ALL THE RIGHT SCHOOLS,

INSISTED I DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS,

I NEVER WOULD'VE MET KIRK.

YOU REALLY DO LOVE HIM, DON'T YOU?

YES. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

HOW DOES A DAUGHTER EVER WAY THANK YOU?

BY JUST LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

KIRK AND I ARE GOING TO LIVE

A HAPPILY EVER AFTER LIFE,

I JUST KNOW IT.

I'VE BEEN HERE OVER A DAY.

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY TOLD ME WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

THE GUY'S ON HIS WAY OVER? NOW? YOU SURE?

OH, SOMEBODY'S KNOCKING. IT'S PROBABLY HIM. GOODBYE.

WHO ARE YOU?

MISS BETTY WENDOVER.

AH, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE GUY I WAS EXPECTING.

THE GUY WHO SENT YOUR PLANE TICKET

AND $2,500 EXPENSES TO COME HERE?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I AM THE GUY.

NOW, MAY I PLEASE COME IN?

SURE.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE PAYING.

NOW.

MISS HANREDDY, I HIRED A PRIVATE DETECTIVE

TO INVESTIGATE THE FAMILY OF THE GIRL MY NEPHEW

INTENDS TO MARRY. WHAT HE DISCOVERED WAS...

WELL, THE REASON I HIRED YOU TO COME HERE.

TO DO WHAT?

BREAK UP THAT MARRIAGE BEFORE IT HAPPENS.

♪♪

YOU KNOW, YOU WERE RIGHT

ABOUT NOT RUNNING INTO HOOLIGAN HANREDDY.

I THINK I JUST PANICKED LAST NIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. I'M CUTTING IN.

WE JUST GOT STARTED, TATTOO.

SORRY, BOSS.

OH, TATTOO, THANK YOU.

FOR WHAT?

FOR THE TWO OF YOU LADY-FYING ME.

I NEVER COULD'VE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU.

OH, I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION.

WILL YOU PLEASE GATHER ROUND?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE LOOKING

AT AN EXTREMELY HAPPY MAN,

A MAN WHO IS ABOUT TO GAIN A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

WHAT I WANT TO DO IS PROPOSE A TOAST...

TO THE MERGER OF TWO ILLUSTRIOUS FAMILIES,

THE ROBERTS AND THE WENDOVERS.

AND TO SHOW YOU ALL JUST HOW ILLUSTRIOUS

ONE OF THOSE FAMILIES IS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE A REAL CELEBRITY

RIGHT HERE IN YOUR OWN MIDST.

SHE'S LEAD JAMMER FOR THE BOSTON BRUISERS,

AND HERE ARE SOME ACTION SHOTS OF THE ONE,

THE ONLY, THE ORIGINAL

ROWDY ROBERTS!

WITH A BETTER RIGHT CROSS THAN MUHAMMAD ALI.

AS GENTEEL A NOBLEWOMAN AS SHE'LL EVER BE.

DID I SAY NOBLEWOMAN?

AND A FANNY FLOP THAT WILL DO JUSTICE TO THE KEYSTONE COPS.

YES SIR, LADIES AND GENTS, POETRY IN MOTION.

OH, YOU COULD SEE HOW BAD SHE LOOKS.

SHE'S ALSO HAPPY. YES, SIR, QUEEN OF THE ROLLER CIRCUIT

MARRIED HER DAUGHTER OFF TO WENDOVER STEEL.

THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH, HOOLIGAN.

YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH ALREADY. I'M WARNING YOU.

I THINK ROWDY ROBERTS OUGHT TO MAKE A SPEECH

ABOUT HOW IT FEELS FOR A LOWLY ROLLER BABE SKATER

TO MIX WITH ALL YOU HIGH AND MIGHTY BLUEBLOODS.

WHAT ABOUT IT, FOLKS, HUH?

YEAH! WHAT ABOUT...

I WARNED YOU, HOOLIGAN! I WARNED YOU!

I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

A CONSPIRACY TO DISCREDIT MRS. ROBERTS

AND HER DAUGHTER, I'M AFRAID.

TO DISCREDIT HER?

FOR WHAT REASON?

NO ONE FROM THAT BACKGROUND

IS GOOD ENOUGH TO MARRY A WENDOVER.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH, INDEED.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT DEPENDS

ON WHAT STANDARDS YOU APPLY.

UH, LET ME TELL YOU A BRIEF STORY

OF MOTHERLY LOVE, MISS WENDOVER.

MRS. ROBERTS, ROWDY, WAS WIDOWED

WHEN HER DAUGHTER WAS NINE YEARS OLD

BECAUSE HER HUSBAND LEFT HER NO INSURANCE,

AND SHE WAS FORCED TO FIND WORK...

NOT JUST ANY KIND OF JOB,

BUT ONE THAT PAID ENOUGH TO GIVE HER DAUGHTER

SOMETHING SHE NEVER HAD:

THE VERY BEST OF EVERYTHING,

INCLUDING THE MOST EXPENSIVE FINISHING SCHOOL IN EXISTENCE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL ROLLER SKATER

AT 32 YEARS OF AGE?

TRAVELING FROM ONE END OF THE COUNTRY TO THE OTHER

THEN BACK AGAIN, STAYING IN SLEAZY HOTELS,

HAVING YOUR BONES BROKEN

AND GOING RIGHT BACK FOR MORE PUNISHMENT?

THAT'S JUST PARTS OF WHAT MRS. ROWDY ROBERTS

IS ALL ABOUT, MISS WENDOVER,

AND ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO BE A LADY FOR THE WEEKEND,

SO THAT HER DAUGHTER COULD BE HAPPY.

AND YOU AND YOUR PETTY VINDICTIVENESS

HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM HER.

YOU SHOULD FEEL VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF, MISS WENDOVER.

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S NOT OVER YET, GARMAN,

NOW THAT WE'RE BOTH ALIVE.

YOU KILLED MY BROTHER...

AND SOMEHOW, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

ISN'T IT JUST LIKE THE FIRST WAR, JOE?

TWO CAVEMEN HATING EACH OTHER'S GUTS.

IT'S THE LAST STOP.

NOW, ONE OF US ISN'T GOING TO WALK AWAY.

NO! NO! STOP! DON'T YOU HEAR ME?

I SAID STOP!

THAT'S ENOUGH! THERE'S NO NEED. IT'S OVER.

IT'S BEEN OVER FOR A LONG TIME.

MAC?

MY BROTHER'S DEAD.

NO, JACK IS NOT DEAD.

UP TO NOW, THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED EVERYONE TO BELIEVE.

BUT WHY?

JOE, JOE, IT...

IT WAS ME. DON'T YOU SEE? IT WAS ME.

THE CONG TORTURED ME.

I'M THE ONE WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE.

IT'S MY FAULT THOSE GUYS DIED ON MI CHOW...

NOT HIS.

IT'S NOT YOURS.

AFTER THE INCIDENT, YOUR BROTHER DESERTED.

WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER, HE MANAGED TO GET TO SINGAPORE,

WHERE HE'S BEEN LIVING EVER SINCE.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I AM SO SORRY. YOU KNOW, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN

NOT TO MASQUERADE AS SOMETHING I'M NOT.

PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, MOTHER.

YOU DID THE BEST YOU KNOW HOW,

AND I'M PROUD OF YOU.

SHIRLEY.

I WAS GOING CRAZY TRYING TO CALL YOU.

I KNOW, I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYBODY.

LOOK, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MOTHER DOES.

I LOVE YOU. I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH,

I THINK YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

EXCUSE ME.

PLEASE ACCEPT THE APOLOGY OF A VERY EMBARRASSED FATHER.

I THOUGHT MY SISTER WAS A LADY,

BUT THAT'S BEFORE I MET YOU AND SHIRLEY.

WELL, I...

I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY IF THOSE TWO ARE HAPPY.

WELL, THE TITLE OF LADY, I DON'T QUITE QUALIFY FOR,

NOT AFTER WHAT I DID TO HANREDDY.

MY LATE WIFE WAS A LADY.

SHE WOULD'VE DONE EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID.

KNOW WHERE I FIRST MET HER? UH-UH.

SHE WAS A WING WALKER WITH AN AERIAL CIRCUS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE WEDDING?

IS IT STILL ON?

TATTOO, WILL YOU CALL THE MINISTER, PLEASE,

AND TELL HIM TO CANCEL HIS TEE-OFF TIME?

THE CEREMONY WILL GO ON AS SCHEDULED THIS AFTERNOON.

YES, BOSS!

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT I JUST HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOU KNEW

THAT WE HAD TO PLAY THIS OUT TILL THE END.

BUT IT ISN'T OVER, NOT YET.

WHAT ABOUT JOE'S BROTHER?

HE WANTS TO GO HOME, BUT HE'S AFRAID TO BE PROSECUTED.

CONSIDER AN 18-YEAR-OLD BOY,

FACE TO FACE WITH DEATH,

PANICS SINCE HE'S ALREADY LIVED THROUGH NINE YEARS OF HELL.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO CAN END THIS WAR, TED,

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THE BOY COULD USE A GOOD LAWYER.

ALL RIGHT, BABY.

JOE...

MAYBE WHEN WE GET BACK WORKING TOGETHER,

WE COULD STRAIGHTEN THIS WHOLE THING OUT, ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

MY PLEASURE.

JACKIE.

SHH, STUPID MONKEY!

TATTOO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH CHESTER?

OH, NOTHING, BOSS.

HE JUST REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.

SHH!

NOT YET.

DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED HIS TUITION YET.

OH, I DID, BOSS, BUT HE DIDN'T WANT IT BACK.

NONE OF THEM DID.

TATTOO, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.

IT'S OKAY, BOSS.

WE FOUND SOMETHING BETTER TO SPEND IT ON.

WHAT?

A SURPRISE PARTY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOSS!

COME ON, KIDS.

THANK YOU, MY FRIEND.