Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. He's a family guy.

We now return to Hung Sheldon.

I don't think I have to say smart stuff anymore.

Bazinga.

Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads up that I have

catastrophically clogged the toilet.

Catastrophically clogged? Well, let's just say your dress shoe couldn't scoop

all out.

And the Emmy goes to... Bob Berger.

Stupid thing's political.

I guess everybody will just have to make a family trip to Starbucks.

Well, I can't leave without my bathroom reading material.

I'm going to bring my pickup artist book. I'm learning how to neg. You can

that when you get home.

You know, you're really pretty for a broad with small boobs.

I got to read chapter two.

God, this place is sad.

Look at that loser working on his screenplay.

Oh, that's Brian.

Interior space brothel day.

You know, I think it has potential.

Why do we always come to a coffee shop when our toilets don't work?

Well, coffee shop toilets are strong. They're stress tested daily, and I

guarantee to be able to flush a homeless man's pants.

What you're picking up is Pop -Tarts and a hint of mango white claw.

Now, is that... No, it can't be.

Pumpkin spice latte is back?

But it's a day early.

I have a Google alert on my phone for that and Luke Hemsworth. I want to be

first one to know when he becomes a successful actor.

I also see you had a pap smear today.

Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.

Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please.

You can say I like those a latte.

Cool beans, huh?

What broodiful news.

Okay, you gotta give me something here. I live in my car.

Ah, way to make it all about you.

Meg, it's the start of pumpkin spice latte season.

What's that?

A very special day for white women everywhere.

Even bigger than Martha Stewart's birthday.

August 3rd. Honey, there comes a day when every white girl must become a

woman. Today is that day.

Make my way downtown, walking fast.

Faces pass and I'm hold down.

And I'm blankly ahead, making my way, making my way through the crowd.

And I need you.

And I miss you.

And now I wonder if I could fall.

into the sky.

Do you think time would pass me by?

Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see

you.

You don't tell me to connect the dots, you connect your own dots. Oh my god,

it's a giraffe!

Lewis, look! I thought it was going to be a palm tree, but the antlers were a

dead giveaway.

Hey, bitch.

Skip PSLs. Mama wants the nuts and megs. Oh, honey, it's been a month.

Pumpkin spice latte season is over.

Over? What do you mean, over?

Well, it's a seasonal beverage.

I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals this time of year and

patience with family and friends.

I told you, no straws in the living room!

Now, let me make you something fall -adjacent that'll help tide you over.

Mama? What the deuce, Dewey?

Ah, that's where that comes from.

Here you go. A nice cup of green tea you can drink until it's the same

temperature as the room and then leave half full.

Hi, I'm Green Tea. I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night at the

fairground this weekend. It's none of the original members and none of the

original fake members.

What do you say we shambala over around six?

This sucks!

Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips? I haven't had my diaper changed

since October.

I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is. You'll get used to it. I'll tell you

exactly what it is.

Misogyny. This is them taking things away from women. Why can't the

let us have this one thing?

Hey my dudes, on today's agenda, we're deciding what women can and can't have.

We're in Q4, so pumpkin spice lattes are out.

And where did we land on reproductive rights?

Leg on!

Before we go any further, would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?

Milk was a bad choice! Whale's vagina!

Right on.

Now let's take a quick stand break to unstick our testicles from our legs.

This arbitrary cutoff is BS.

I bet they have all the ingredients just sitting there in some storage room.

You know what? What are you doing?

This table has a very strict weight limit, and you're testing it. We need to

rise up and take back our country. I mean, a seasonal beverage.

Are you in? I'm in.

Hey,

Chris, can you stop using me as your recovery email for Pornhub? You don't

an account.

You do to post comments.

Pornhub, join the conversation.

Guess our many pandemic hobbies are finally paying off.

All right. Since we have more time on our hands, we're going to get into

justice. And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.

Ooh, we should also put up a sign in support of the trans community.

I don't know, Meg. Suddenly everything's sounding very cluttered.

Mom's high school swimming records are getting shattered.

Meg, I found it!

Nice. Up top, bitch.

Can you stop calling me that?

Oh, what's this?

Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs. They propped up Michael Bublé for years.

Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette.

The Diana Krall?

What's this really tall stack?

Oh, it's the audio book for Kamala Harris' The Truths We Hold.

Well, now I'm just sad.

Coming up, my adult nephew's band, Forged in Steel, will be playing at the

Club on Friday.

Is that enough uncle -ing for you, Denise?

But first, a brazen robbery occurred at a Quahog coffee shop last night with the

assailants stealing a proprietary spice blend used to make pumpkin spice lattes.

An eyewitness reports seeing two people fleeing the scene, a woman he, quote,

would like to jump, and a second woman.

We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson, who is taking this very seriously.

I'm now going to answer some questions from reporters that this microphone is

not picking up.

No, not at this time.

We're monitoring that.

Yes.

About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.

We have to keep a low profile.

Good thinking. I'll go on social media and let everyone know I'm taking a

health break.

Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.

I think they do.

All right. I forgot to unfollow her.

Good God, woman.

Hi, Lois.

I just wanted to say I noticed how your windows have been looking.

Windex is on aisle nine.

Wow. That's like the woman equivalent of getting stabbed in the face.

Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.

You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas. They're looking a little

pale.

Hmm. What interesting perfume you've got on.

Nutmeg, clove, a little bit of brown ginger.

I'd say that smells like pumpkin spice latte, but that would be crazy.

Well, Jamaican me crazy.

Ugh, embarrassing.

Coffee without creamer.

Insulator sleeves.

Pregnancy test?

That's for me. Veronica from Baby Piano is late. Again. That's why the rosary

beads are there, too.

It's you.

You're the coffee shop thief.

Okay, what do you want? You want money? I want in.

Otherwise, I can't guarantee what I may or may not tell Joe.

All right, fine.

But you can't tell anyone else.

I'm very discreet. I take every secret to my grave.

Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks has a passion for vintage

typewriters? Bonnie, I read that in Parade magazine.

Well, they didn't hear it from me.

Give me the pumpkin spice latte.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.

I saw the bat signal. We all did.

Bonnie. I know you have some. Give it to me right now. I am filming you. And I'm

filming you because this is how I deal with conflict.

And I'm filming you filming her because I have a TikTok about women who don't

support women.

Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't... Pumpkin spice!

Pumpkin spice!

I borrowed this from my white husband.

Pack the bags, Donna.

Pack the bags, Neil!

Oh, no!

Pack the bags, Dennis!

Mikados! Well, we hadn't been in three weeks. You get the mesh bag of sandals,

and I'll get all our grease greases.

Pumpkin spice!

Pumpkin spice! Okay!

Okay, we can get you all pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow.

Okay, Meg, we got 24 hours to replenish our supply.

Mom, what are you doing?

Don't worry, Meg. I know exactly how we can monetize this. I took the Bill Gates

master class.

I was never on Epstein's plane, and if I was, it was just a routine flight for

my charity. But I wasn't.

Microsoft.

Password? Dress in on the side.

We accept cash, Venmo, or Etsy gift cards. We prefer Etsy gift cards.

we only take Etsy gift cards.

There goes the neighborhood.

Hummingbird feeders in those damn free libraries everywhere.

Constant smell of banana bread. Look at them. Eating granola like it's cereal.

It's supposed to be sprinkled on top of something.

It's too calorically dense otherwise.

Tom's of Maine is owned by Colgate.

Liar! Look it up.

Seventh one this month. Guys, we really need to find some evidence so I can have

stuff to say at the next press conference. I knocked it out of the park

last one, and people are expecting a lot.

I can't believe someone would do something like this.

It's disgusting.

Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop. It's a place where people come

together and post flyers advertising their bad improv shows.

By the way, can you come see my Malcolm and the Giggle show next Wednesday? I

would, but I'm going to a gimprov show. We're reclaiming that word.

We're looking for a suggestion from the audience. Does anyone have an

occupation? Former acrobat.

Great. How about a location?

C6, C7, between two vertebrae.

Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case.

This isn't for the case, but I'm taking these napkins from my car. The other day

I had to drive home blind after a wet sneeze.

There's a three -week backlog at the lab. Thought you might be able to help.

You've come to the right place. I have a database of every woman's foot in

Quahog. I call it the footbook.

Drop the the. It's cleaner.

Yeah. Uh -huh.

You stop it right now.

Are you talking to the footprint?

The footprint and I are having a conversation.

It's a little like Harry Potter.

The admirer doesn't choose the foot. The foot has to choose the admirer.

Let me just cross -reference and... Oh, that's very sad.

What? It's a discontinued Payless shoe from 2009.

A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.

Olivia Wilde? She must be pretty sad.

Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie the cast and crew worked so hard on.

Oh, Joe, it's Lois.

By the way, you can read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd. Did you

the cast of Oppenheimer lived together while they were filming?

Uh -huh. Cillian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own. Kind of a lone wolf.

Okay. Of course, by then, most of the cast had seen his penis. You know, that

scene with Einstein.

Originally, they had both their penises out. Actors sometimes do that to break

down their emotional wall.

Thank God he's gone. I've been holding in a major fart.

Everything's hard for me, cat.

Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed. We're going to nail Lois.

Really? Can I go first?

No, I mean we got to slap the cuffs on her and throw her in the back of my car.

Get her in her room and drill her till she breaks.

See how she likes it in the can.

I'd like to see one of those strong female attorneys try to get her off.

Everyone get in position.

Roger that. Copy.

Jerry, please acknowledge.

He's not acknowledging.

I'm going in.

Let's get this debutante ball started.

Be professional, Jerry.

Hello.

I am a white woman named Kayla, and I spell that in a very complicated way for

zero reason.

Well, aren't you a cool glass of water. Why don't you come on in for a non

-consensual shoulder rub? I just want to speak to your wife.

Wife? We've been drifting apart for a long time. So, is there a Mr.

Kayla? There was. My husband was a wrestler.

His doctor told him he couldn't wrestle anymore, but he loved it so much, he

wrestled one last time and died.

Telling him not to wrestle was like telling him not to breathe.

That's so sad. That's literally exactly what happened to Mickey Rourke in The

Wrestler. No, it's very different. Unlike Mickey Rourke, my husband's face

completely disfigured by too much plastic surgery.

Kayla, you have got to watch this movie. It's so similar to your life.

Is Dad okay?

It's brain fog from having COVID 12 times.

What do we do now?

Look, we always knew this time would come. Grab the pumpkin spice from the

garage and run.

I'm sorry to be so forward. It's just that you're literally any woman other

the one I'm allowed to have.

Getting your own daughter involved?

You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.

Joe? I'm sorry, Peter, but for what it's worth, Kayla found you very attractive.

Nah, it's all right. I'll just work out this sexual confusion in my porn

searches later.

Might have an account if you want to leave a comment.

Pornhub, fun for the whole family.

Oh, my God, we're like Thelma and Louise.

I've never felt so alive.

Meg, unpair your phone. I'm driving, so we pair my phone.

Seriously? Fine.

Go ahead.

Well, I can't connect until you disconnect your phone.

You have to forget device.

Go to Settings, General, Network, Bluetooth, Find Car, then hit Forget My

Device. We can't do it while you're driving. The car has to be stopped.

Siri, forget device.

Coming to you live, we are in pursuit of two fugitives identified in a gruesome

pumpkin spice latte robbery.

As you can see now, they're headed down Route 95.

Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator with the big bug on the roof.

Oh, look, there it is.

They do a nice little job.

It appears they're slowing down.

Theory!

Forget my dead bike!

Yep, just what I thought. Classic Bluetooth pairing problem.

Oh, okay, it appears they were able to safely pair the phone.

But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over for similar reasons.

Listen, I don't know what they're teaching you at the academy, but this is

one stuff. Go to settings, general, network.

Oh, you got an android? So you're the green idiot on the group text.

Peter?

I can't find the remote.

Wait, did you check under the table?

Yeah. No, hold on.

Okay, I found it. Thank you.

I'm sorry, Meg. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. Me too, Mom. But

I gotta say, I enjoyed spending time with you.

Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?

I'd like that very much.

Uh, can I get a vote? I've been here since you went to Target.

Two days ago.

I guess this all could have been avoided if there was another seasonal beverage

that followed the pumpkin spice latte.

Well, there is the peppermint mocha, but there's no comparison. I mean, yeah, it

has candy on top.

A rich peppermint cream and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup. But, oh,

actually, that doesn't sound that bad.

Are you kidding me? Turn around.

It's too late.

Unbuckle them. This should be fine.

We've changed our minds. Oh, we made emotional decisions.

Please. Save us men!

We got him, boys.

I guess all that's left is for the husband to give an emotional press

conference.

It's time we forgive Heaven Spacey.

That will be my only statement at this time. Thank you.

I already joined three prison gangs. We got community service.

Yeah, I know. I was getting ready just in case.

Joe told him about the footbook.

Drop the the.

It's cleaner.