Original subtitles

Imagine me getting a commendable incident report.

When Getraer told me, I almost passed out.

Yeah, well, you must have really been hot-dogging it

while I was away last month.

Hey, come on, 278 cites in a month?

I'd be the hottest pencil of all time.

Did you mention that to our sergeant?

He said I was just trying to be modest.

Make you feel like a big man, giving some poor housewife

a lousy ticket for fudging over 55?

With all the drunks and potheads

running us decent people off the road

you have to give an innocent housewife a ticket!

Hey, who's that?

Might be Mel Scully.

I don't think so. He doesn't move like Mel.

What are you doin'?

I thought your tire was low, but it's okay.

Have a nice day.

Have a hernia.

Well, 73 is, good buddy.

And listen, I've got to sign off now, my off-ramp's comin' up.

'Attention all beat 7 units.'

'We have a report of a motor officer down'

'on the Hollywood freeway vicinity of Lankershim.'

Listen, you know anything about an officer being involved

in an accident around here?

I'm the one that hit him, but he's gone.

He wasn't hurt?

He was limpin'. I told him I radioed for help

but he said it wasn't necessary.

Didn't ask me for my license or anything.

Just jumped on his motorcycle and took off.

How did you figure it?

That guy said the officer

'was limping so he must have been hurt.'

And why would he take off like that?

Must have been something more urgent to pull him away.

Morning. May I see your driver's license, please?

What did I do?

Nothing, from the looks of it

it seems you're having a little shock absorber trouble.

Sid? Sid Lambert?

Hey, man, don't you recognize me?

- The Latino flash! - Poncherello!

In uniform! It couldn't be.

Hey, hey, what do you expect me to wear out here?

Tank top and blue jeans?

Come here, come here. Jon Baker!

Suddenly you're fuzz, man. You can't be!

Baker, Sid Lambert.

- Hi. - How you doing.

Tell you the truth, I almost didn't recognize you.

Well, it's been a mess of years since the Van Nuys days.

This dude was the honcho in one of the most

'hell-raising crowds that ever cruised the boulevard.'

The Blue Flames.

They would have made the wild bunch look like

a Sunday school picnic.

I wish I had a dime for all the times

I had to chase off this macho pushy kid.

'He had more guts than sense.'

Yeah, he's told me so.

Hey, how's Angy, huh? I heard you two got married.

That was 8 years ago. We got a boy, 4.

'Yeah, you know, you really should get those'

shock absorbers replaced.

You're bouncing around like a ping-pong ball

and it is kind of dangerous.

Would you believe it? That's where I'm heading now.

To Rudy Altmeyer's place.

Man, you cats must really be gettin' old

if a mean dude like Rudy has to settle down

and do an honest day's work.

In his day, Rudy's wrecked more cars than a junkyard.

Hey, let's get together and hoist a few beers soon, huh?

Great. I'll give you a call.

Little Ponch a motor jock. Wait till I tell Rudy.

- I'll see you, man. - Alright.

Looks like your past is catchin' up with you.

Ah, Sid's a nice guy.

I'm glad it was a case where I didn't have to write him a cite.

Well, if he would have deserved a cite

would you have given him one?

Of course.

You don't believe me?

Well, friendship, like love, can be blind.

Well, not out here, man.

You know me better than that.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

So Ponch is a car chaser.

I remember when he was the chasee.

He said we'd get together for a few beers soon.

You know, you don't care what you drink with.

How come the only time I see you is when you need some work done?

Hey! I put in sometimes 14 hours a day.

Now what about the shocks? Can you put them on now?

Sure, if you want to pay through the nose for some new ones.

Wait a couple of days, I can probably get you a set

off some new car that was totaled for about

a third the cost.

Now wait!

I got some heavy bills breathing down my neck already.

Take a ride with me, uh, deliver a radiator.

Then we'll stop off for a beer

and shoot the bull a little.

My old lady's been on me for getting home too late.

Women! They'll blow your brain if you let them.

Okay, maybe one beer.

Ah!

Hey, does this thing run?

I pulled the engine out of my truck.

Don't worry, it'll get us there.

You had better than this heap in the old days.

It just gets stuck every now and then.

See? No sweat.

You ever wish things were like they used to be?

Huh? Cruising down Van Nuys

all the guys together every night

the nutty things we did.

We really knew how to have kicks, huh?

Remember the night Prendy and Chauss

made off with that street washer truck?

And drove it smack into Dundee's drive-in.

With all the water jets and the pressures going?

Hey, look out!

Are you looking to get trashed, you little creep?

Ah, get yourself a skateboard, it's faster!

I'll dump him!

Get him!

Come on, you guys. Back off. I didn't mean it. Come on.

The throttle linkage is stuck!

Well, turn off the ignition.

I can't!

'Oh, boy! Now the steering's gone.'

'There's too much play in the wheel.'

'I can't hold it straight on the road.'

'15, 7-Mary 3 and 4, LA.'

'We have a report of a vehicle out of control

Northbound Ventura, approaching Vineland.'

The linkage is unstuck. It's okay now.

Two motor cops on our tail and comin' up fast.

Strip that license plate off the front.

I'll get the one in the back.

What good will that do? They still can trace the car--

It's unregistered.

Come on, let's cut out of here.

Did you notice that dude in the brand new cad?

He almost coughed up his cap when we nicked him.

I've had some wild rides in my time

but that was the most.

What do you say we take in a Rams game this Sunday?

You got tickets?

No, but I know this guy who can--

Alright, wait a minute.

The last time we got tickets from that guy

we sat so high up on the field

it looked like ants on a striped tie.

Okay, okay. Don't applaud, don't applaud.

Just genuflect when I pass.

Come on, Ponch. Tell us what you did to get Getraer

to issue you a commendable incident report.

'I'll tell you what he did.'

Our little hot dog here dashed off 278 cites in just one month.

Whoa.

Alright. Get your subpoenas while they're hot.

Grossman.

Oh, how can anyone contest my citation?

Just look at this face.

It's the epitome of honesty and integrity.

'Ah, don't laugh too loud, Poncherello.'

Here's one for you.

Don't let it get you down, Ponch.

One out of 278 isn't bad.

Why won't anybody believe I could write that many cites?

Uh, can you just make this a warning?

'I mean, it would be my third ticket in 11 months.'

- I could lose my job. - I'm sorry, sir.

That's something you should have thought of sooner.

Have a nice day.

Sure.

I still say that records clerk made a mistake.

She must have added my cites with somebody else's.

No, that woman wouldn't make a mistake like that

and you know it.

Oh, yeah?

Look at this name.

Archibald V. McNulty.

Man, there's no way I wouldn't remember a name like that.

Hey, Pete. We missed you.

Uh, well, I've been working nights.

What happened? Did you miss the third turn at Ontario?

Yeah. You know, but I still came in third.

We'll be talking to you later, alright?

Okay.

If he races, how come he didn't become

a motor officer like his brother?

I don't know, but his brother Gary

was one of the best partners I've ever ridden with

until he got killed chasing that speeding car.

That's when my luck changed, too.

How's that?

I got you.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Oh, officer. Officer?

Wait a minute. How do you know that she wants you?

Vibes, old buddy, pure vibes.

What can we do for you?

We're looking for this Ventura freeway.

Oh, yeah, that's the on-ramp's two blocks straight ahead.

Uh, we just arrived.

Maybe you can suggest a nice place to stay

till we get an apartment, preferably in Hollywood.

Try The Suncrest. That's a swinging motel on the strip.

Do you fellas ever drop around the suncrest?

Well, if we're encouraged.

Consider yourself encouraged.

Bye.

Come on, let's roll.

Those freeways are getting worse.

I tell you, people are driving like they don't care anymore.

Tell me about it.

On my way here today I bet I saw half a dozen guys

zipping in and out of lanes, tailgating, speeding.

Every one of them was getting away with it.

We can't get them all.

Well, they ought to put more men on those freeways.

Yeah, tell the governor.

Hey, we'll talk to you later, huh, Pete?

Get one for Gary for me, will you?

Yeah, I will.

Yeah. Here's another one with your name on it.

Yeah, that's mine, but those other three

with my name sure aren't.

Well, why would another officer want to make you a big man

by signing your name and not his?

I don't think it's another officer.

Look at these serial numbers on the forged citations.

They're all the same. G-6-8-6-6-3-5.

Every one of them. Somehow, someone snatched that page

from my pinch book and had it copied.

Yeah, looks like an offset job.

Yeah, but where would they get the badge and uniform?

Well, I got a better question for you.

How did he manage to slip a page out of your pinch book?

Well, I'm working on that, sarge.

'Poncherello.'

You realize, of course, that I'm going to have to

withdraw that commendable incident report on you.

I'm sorry about that.

Yeah, I see you're all choked up about it.

'Is that you, honey?'

Better be.

Hi.

Can't you make it a scotch and water for a change?

Yeah, sure, I'll make one right now.

Ah, forget it.

Rough day, huh?

They're all rough.

Work, home, work. Nothing changes.

My life's like a hunk of warmed-over cabbage.

Well, just don't forget we have to be at my mother's by 8:00.

End of a beautiful day.

Hello.

Did you see the papers tonight?

No, not yet.

'We just made the front page.'

'Can you believe it, man? We bopped 22 cars, baby. 22.'

Last count, it was 17.

Hey, man. We just invented a new game.

'What do you say we roll again tomorrow?'

Uh, no, I can't, uh.. I'm busy.

So I'll make it a solo. Dig me on the 11:00 news.

Do you believe it?

Some bike jockey is riding around

handing out cites with my name on them.

Must be righteous citations

or you'd have more than one subpoena.

That's not the point.

- I'll get a crowbar. - Yeah.

Alright, come on, let's go.

Move. Come on.

Come on, keep it moving. Come on.

Who's in there?

A girl on a respirator and an intern.

'Wait a minute. Easy. I think my leg's broken.'

Let me give you a hand. How's the girl?

She's scared, but not hurt.

- Hi. - Hi.

Are you alright?

I-I-I can't breathe.

Listen, I'll be right back.

You just relax, okay?

How is he?

It's broken.

See my partner. He'll call it in for you.

Okay.

She's having trouble breathing.

Well, the respirator pump's been knocked out.

Can we get the respirator out of there?

No, no. It's bolted down.

Listen, get on the horn and call for a crane

and tell them on the double.

Right.

There's got to be something we can do.

- There's a hand pump. - Where?

On the left side, up near the front of the respirator.

Okay.

Wait a minute, Ponch.

'Pipes could come down anytime.'

Yeah, let's hope not.

Listen, this emergency pump, I'll have it going in a second.

You guys better get some ropes, chains, whatever you got

and tie these pipes off.

- Okay, we got it. - You got it. Right.

I got the pump going now. It's going to be okay.

Hey, my name is Ponch. What's yours?

Kathy.

Nice to meet you, Kathy.

Feeling better now?

Mm-hmm.

Listen, you just relax. With old Ponch here

you got nothin' to worry about.

Okay, got it.

Okay, that's the key. We're gonna to have to hold that one.

Come on.

Hey, Grossman. Get that crane in here.

Let's go.

Hang in there till it tightens down on the other side.

Noisy little rascals, aren't they?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Let's get this chain on the other side.

Let's get this thing squared away, alright?

How old are you, Kathy?

I'll be 13 Saturday.

You're kidding. You could have fooled me.

I would have thought you were older.

Really?

Yeah, 15 at least.

What happened to that guy who was directing traffic?

I didn't see anybody directing traffic

but I saw a motor officer going down the off-ramp

when I drove up.

You just keep breathing, alright?

We'll have you out of here

faster than you can say Rumpelstiltskin.

Rumpel who?

Rumpelstiltskin.

Don't tell me you never heard the story.

I don't think so.

Well, young lady, you missed

one of the hair-raisers of all times.

You see, there was this beautiful girl

'with long blonde hair'

and she had to spin gold out of straw.

Thank you, both of you, for everything.

Don't mention it.

Listen uh, I hope the next time we see you

it's under nicer circumstances.

Hey, whatever happened to that girl

who spun gold from straw?

Oh, her. She graduated from business school at UCLA.

She owns her own bank now.

Lean down here, you two.

Closer.

Have a happy birthday now, you hear?

Oh, I will.

You know, you been moping around here for two days now.

What's bugging you, honey?

Me. I'm what's bugging me.

I'm beginning to feel like I'm doped up

except there's no high to go with it.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about my job, this house.

'The same things, over and over.'

Nothing happens anymore.

Me and Davy.

We're what's happening if you took the time to notice.

Angy, there's got to be more to breathing

than just this...this box I'm in.

In a few years, I'm going to be 40.

So? That's such a big deal.

To me, yeah.

Look, I'll tell you what.

'Why don't I send Davy over to the Heffers for the night'

we'll go out, have dinner, go to a movie..

'What did I just say?'

Nothing ever changes around here, does it?

We might as well be 90 years old for the rut we're in.

Well, that's funny.

Up till a couple of days ago, you seemed to like it.

Baby, it's not you. It's not Davy. It's me. It's the shop.

It's staring into the guts of a TV set all day.

While outside, in the streets, wherever, people are living.

I'm not living anymore, Angy.

Oh, and I am.

Why don't you stay home a couple of days with Davy

the dog, the house, the dirty clothes.

'I'll show you living.'

I knew you were going to say that.

Even when we have a beef, we can't get out of the rut.

Okay, what's going on, Sid?

Some young girl been coming on to you?

Nowadays, girls don't dig middle-aged mummies.

Oh, middle-aged, my foot.

You know, when you say that, you include me.

Look, honey..

Let's go over to the hangout.

Few laughs, like we used to.

Maybe some of the old gang is still around.

Sure, so you can get juiced and end up in a fight?

No, thanks.

Well, it didn't used to bother you.

Oh, that was years ago. We were dumb kids then.

Yeah, well, we're now zombies.

Argh!

That's the guy that was at the traffic accident yesterday.

When we pulled up, he was directing traffic.

A few minutes later, he was gone.

'15, 7-Mary 3 or 4, LA.'

'Report of an 11-24, stalled vehicle on the right shoulder'

'eastbound Ventura near Haskell.'

I'll take it.

They're worth a nickel, at least.

Your thoughts? No way.

Let's just say I know how a guy got ahold of your pinch book

tore out a blank citation and put it back

without you knowing about it.

Happened when we stopped to eat about a month ago.

I think the guy was Pete Bertram.

Sure. His brother was an officer.

That's where he got the badge and the uniform.

I can't prove it.

Who are you, Abe Lincoln Jr.?

So let's get a warrant and go to his house--

No, wait a minute, Ponch. I want to talk to him first.

- Give him a chance. - A chance?

Oh, man, and you got the brass enchilada

to wonder if I show favoritism to friends.

Remember, his brother was my partner.

Let me handle it.

Okay.

Handle it.

May I see your license, please, sir?

Sure. How about this?

Jon.

That's right, Pete.

What if this would have been a gun?

What if this had been some guy in a stolen car?

Huh?

You wouldn't know him because you don't have a hot sheet.

Or say I was some dude coming from a heist and had a hostage?

What would you do then, huh?

I'll tell you what you'd do.

You'd probably get yourself killed

and an innocent person along with you.

This job, this job is more than handing out

traffic citations, man.

What do you think we spend all those months in school for?

Learning how to hold a pencil?

I wanted to be a cop, but they wouldn't take me.

Oh..

I'm color-blind.

So I talked Gary into it.

And it's my fault that he's dead.

Hey, Pete, no, wait a minute. That's dumb.

I mean, that's really dumb.

'Gary was 28 years old. He wasn't a kid.'

And he knew what he was doing. You don't.

So what happens now? What are you going to do?

You're under arrest for impersonating an officer.

You going to take me in?

No.

You're going to take yourself in.

Tomorrow morning, first thing, at Central.

I want you to turn in Gary's uniform, his gun, and..

...and his badge.

I'll be waiting for you, Pete.

If you're not there, I'm coming after you.

Alright. Beautiful. Hey.

Oh, this is the one. Right on, man. This is it.

Yeah. This is going to do just fine.

This is the second old heap you've taken in 3 days.

What are you doing with these old jalopies?

They're only good for parts.

I'm going to dress her up with higher carburation

lower her rear end gearing, and really soup her up.

She's going to be the star of the next

freeway bumper car game.

Good shot.

Here. To the old days.

Hey, come off it, man.

You're making it sound like we're pushing for Medicare.

I tell you, Ponch, once you hit 35

the years seem to go into high gear.

Hey, haven't you heard? Life begins at 40.

You haven't even been born yet.

Yeah, maybe.

What happened to all the kicks to all the great times?

Huh? Is it all over?

Do we just sit around and listen to our arteries harden?

That's pretty heavy stuff you're saying there.

I remember when I was a senior in high school

and started having beefs with my old man.

I thought, man, what's this old dude know what's going down?

Then it hit me one day.

Now I'm as old as he was then.

That's heavy.

Come on, Sid.

A few wrinkles don't make you ripe for social security.

Something happened the other day, something crazy..

'The kind of stunt we used to pull.'

It got me thinking of what a rut I've been in.

What crazy stunt?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

It only showed me that I'm still capable

of feeling some real gut excitement.

'Something I haven't felt for years.'

Yeah, well, you can't eat excitement

or take it to the bank.

Sure. Easy for you to talk.

You're tooling around on your bike

in the middle of what's really happening.

Look, Sid, you got a home

a real home with a wife who cares about you.

I know Angy, and she's good people, man.

And you got a son and a business that's going.

What more do you want, huh?

Maybe all that's what's making me feel trapped.

What you feel is the weight of responsibility

which sooner or later gets everybody.

You're fighting it

which tells me, baby, that you're a late bloomer.

What do you mean by that?

You're feeling the pangs of growing up.

Like I told you. Good as new for one third the cost.

How long is it going to take you to put them on?

I tell you what, you leave your truck with me

I'll drive you home now and I'll pick you up in the morning.

- Okay. - Come on.

Another clunker, huh?

Yeah, but she's got a belly full of fire.

Drop your socks and play the fox, old buddy.

The auto-boppers are about to ride again. Yeah.

Now, wait a minute.

Uh-huh!

What are you doin'?

Cool it, man. Just cool it. Hey, hey.

'Attention, all units. Report of a reckless driver.'

What are you, out of your skull?

What are you doing?

I'm growing up, man.

Over there, what do you think?

Well, well. You can take the boy out of Van Nuys

but you can't take the Van Nuys out of the boy, huh, Rudy?

Nice of you to bring the car here, though.

Won't have to be moved.

Yeah, he just walked in here said he was under arrest

for impersonating an officer and left this stuff with me.

Pete's really a good guy. I hope the DA goes easy on him.

Well, he didn't use the badge for his own gain.

I have a pretty strong hunch the DA will recommend probation.

If I know Judge Harlowe, and I do, she'll listen.

You know the judge?

Yeah, I used to date her when she was in law school.

Oh, fine.

Pete will be lucky if he doesn't get 5 to 10.

That's the nicest birthday cake I ever saw.

You better blow out those candles.

They're starting to drip on the cake.

I don't know if I can.

Hey, now, what kind of talk is that, huh?

Will you help me, Jon?

Sorry, honey. You're on your own.

Good girl. Happy birthday.

Thanks, you guys.

'Listen, the doctor says if you work at it'

you'll get out of this thing real soon

so, uh, I'd like to make my date now.

Do you like movies?

I love movies.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I get the first date.

Right, honey? Tell him.

"Faster than you can say Rumpelstiltskin."

But shouldn't you have a girl waiting for you on your day off?

Me? Hey, I got a dozen women out there

just pulling their hair out over me.

But, uh, who likes bald-headed women?