Original subtitles

Beautiful day.

Clean, fresh, everything seems right.

Wish we didn't have to work today.

Don't see why somebody doesn't fix those sprinklers.

Ah, come on, Jon. A few drops of water?

Don't blow your top.

I didn't blow my top! It's..

Ahem.

Alright, I blew my top.

I'm sorry, alright?

It's usually you.

Yeah, but not today, partner.

Today I'm cool, calm and friendly.

Yeah? All day?

Wanna bet?

Okay.

Whenever I lose my temper, I'll pay you a buck.

So you don't have to go to your savings account

better make it a quarter.

Cool, calm and friendly?

Morning, sir. Do you mind stepping out of the car, please?

Is that necessary?

Please. It's a proper request.

I'm in a terrible hurry. I'm late for an appointment.

I understand, sir.

The sooner you get out, the sooner we get this over.

Step to the curb, please.

And if I refuse?

It's for safety.

I don't like being touched!

What is this, Gestapo?

My God! I've never been treated like this in my life.

You bullies!

LA 15,7 Mary 3. Roll a 11-48..

This is an example of American justice.

American law enforcement, sir.

Justice comes later in the court.

Transportation's on its way.

I must warn both of you, you'll regret this.

You bullies with guns.

You stormtroopers!

Would you just keep it quiet, sir?

I'm a very important man.

- I have diplomatic immunity! - You have what?

I said I have diplomatic immunity.

Why didn't you mention that before?

Because you treated me with rudeness and disrespect!

Hi, guys. What's going on?

Oh, excessive speed, reckless driving and assault.

And a sore chin. You transportation?

- Yep. - I can't believe it.

A woman stormtrooper. In my country--

Now, that'll be enough!

Cahill, we may have problems with this arrest

but we'll leave it up to Getraer.

Want to take him down to the office?

I would not go with a woman.

He would not?

Cahill, take his majesty off the street.

"Your Highness" will do.

All of this is a waste of time.

One phone call.

You can make it from the office.

Have you never heard of diplomatic immunity?

I cannot be charged.

If you'll remove these chains, I'll show you my papers.

That'll have to wait till the station, too.

The time to have shown your papers

was when you were stopped.

You're a very attractive lady.

Yeah. Hot stuff.

Why do you do what you do?

You mean, my job?

I mean that in my country

a beautiful woman like you would live in jewels and furs.

She would live lavishly.

Well, who do I have to know to become a cop in your country?

- Me. - Okay.

Ah, Poncherello, Baker

this is Mr. Taylor of the state department.

And, uh, Miss Fay Ramad.

She's the assistant consul in this area

for the Sheikdom of Bezel.

- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.

The department is requesting that all charges

against his highness be dropped.

He carries diplomatic immunity.

Yeah and a good left.

Sergeant, he struck Officer Poncherello.

I did not strike him. I merely slapped him.

Highness, please.

Ah, I'll ask you to make out your written reports

and hand them directly to me.

Sergeant, may we speak with you a moment in private?

Uh, yeah. If you'll excuse me, please.

Look, guys, uh, they've got us over a barrel

and I don't like it any more than you do.

But, uh, his highness has clout.

I'd like to give him a little bit more.

The man is Sheik Ali Akbarnia Bezel

the first-born son, the favorite son of the ruler of Bezel.

Need I say oil-rich, Bezel?

If his old man loves him so much

why'd he let him out of his sight?

He's attending college here.

Don't laugh, but he's majoring in police science.

Hmm, well, he's a slow study.

Next thing you know, you'll ask us to apologize to him.

Uh, it was mentioned

but I suggested it might not be wise.

Look, you guys, uh, why don't you just

write this off to experience, huh?

Yeah. Well, you know, like they say in the oil field

"That's Shah business."

Oh..

I'd better wash that one down with a cup of coffee.

With your permission.

Gentlemen, please don't say that I approached you

but I feel I owe you an apology.

Not you, ma'am.

You don't have one thing to apologize for.

Please be assured that my government

will take steps to prevent another such occurrence.

And you're both very kind.

Ma'am, it's been a pleasure.

Did I say that?

It was a white and blue pickup.

The kegs fell off the back.

Holy smokes, look what happened.

Kind of hard to miss.

I'm going to see about the truck.

LA 15, 7 Mary 3, we're 10-97 at baseline and Adler.

We have an 11-25, nails in all lanes.

11-85 and an additional 11-84.

Don't worry, folks. We'll get things straightened out.

You'd better do something quick!

She thinks she's gonna have the baby right here.

And who should know better?

Okay, we better call an ambulance.

Look, don't put yourself out.

Six times she thought she knew better.

Six trips to the hospital, Six trips home.

Well, we'd better play it safe, huh?

Now, there's a guy with class.

How would you know?

Yeah.

After looking at what I married

maybe you've got a point.

Careful, ma'am. Be careful of the nails, now.

Oh, that's the least of my problems.

Hey-hey, you see that yellow car over there?

- 'Huh?' - 'Yeah, what about it?'

That's my husband's car.

You can't see him now, but he's there, alright.

With his blonde receptionist.

I've been following him.

And I got him this time. I got him cold. Come on.

Wait a minute, ma'am. I have 10 cars piled up here

and this lady's about ready to have a baby.

Big deal.

Listen, can't you catch him cold some other time?

Not on your life!

You're going to wish you were never born!

Lois, honey! I can explain, honey!

I can ex-- No, no, no!

You're going to wish you were never born!

Ma'am, come on. This is not the place.

'Mind your own business.'

'My business is keeping the peace.'

'Now, I'm gonna have to charge you'

'with disturbing it.'

- You wouldn't. - I would.

Why is there always a cop around when you don't want one?

You're going to get it.

The both of you, you're going to get it!

'Watch the nails.'

Easy. Easy.

I'm telling you, it's a false alarm.

She's not even due yet for another week.

- Are you gonna ride with us? - No, no, no.

I'll stay here with my car.

Tell her I'll pick her up later at the hospital, again.

Okay?

You catch the truck?

Yeah. The tailgate came open.

He didn't even know it.

Come on.

It's a boy.

Excuse me, uh, you're the proud father of a bouncing baby boy.

Mr. Immunity rides again.

Temper, temper.

Your turn, Baker.

Thanks.

Afternoon, Your Highness.

It seems we meet again.

'Step from the car, please.'

Of course. There's no need for us to act like enemies.

Could we step to the curb, please, away from traffic?

Would you like to see my papers?

No. Simply your driver's license and registration, please.

Well, you are aware, of course

that under diplomatic immunity

I'm not required to carry a driver's license of any kind.

Well, that's not exactly correct.

In any case, every vehicle has to have a registration.

That I can show you.

Forgive me, Your Highness

but this registration expired a year ago.

Ah, the stupidity of some of our clerks.

Well, I'll see that it's taken care of immediately.

We better call a tow truck.

I'm no more than 50 minutes from home

and there is my immunity.

Yes, sir, you are immune, but your vehicle is not.

We're gonna have to impound it 98-01

until proper registration can be shown.

Fees and penalties paid.

May I have the keys, please?

But this is.. No, no. This is not--

My partner asked you for the key, please.

You are aware that this is police-state harassment?

California state law, sir, please.

Bah!

Thank you, Your Highness.

Look, uh, would you like us to call a car

to get you to your destination?

There is no need, thank you.

I will have the consulate send a car.

LA 15, 7 Mary 4. Roll an 11-85

to the 2400 block on the baseline.

We have an impound for fees and penalties.

'10-4, 7 Mary 4.'

Come on, face it, Jon.

You thought you'd be a buck or two richer by now.

But I have controlled my temper all day.

I have been calm and pleasant, right?

Yeah. Well, I 'll tell you something.

It's disgusting how low a guy will stoop to win a two-bit bet.

Yeah? Well, what do you say we extend the time on it, hmm?

It's fine with me. As long as you want.

Hey, get this.

"Consulate of Bezel."

"Your presence is cordially requested

"for an informal afternoon aboard the Lady Theresa

"Saturday the 15th at 2 p.m.

Casual and bathing attire will be worn."

- Can you believe that? - Hmm.

Wonder why the Sheik invited us.

Man, that's no invitation. That's a summons.

We've had it with him on the streets

and he thinks when he says "Frog", we jump?

No way, pal. I'd rather go to the dentist.

Ponch, you got a phone call.

Alright.

Poncherello. I have a call.

Yeah, Poncherello here.

This is Fay Ramad from the consulate office.

Do you remember me, Mr. Poncherello?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Can I help you?

Yes. I was wondering if you'd received the invitations

I sent to Mr. Baker and you.

Yousent them?

One of the more pleasant aspects of my job.

May we count on you to attend?

Oh, I'll have to talk to my partner about it.

I don't think we got anything planned that day.

I hope not. I'd enjoy seeing you again.

I'll try to work it out and uh, thanks for calling.

Bye.

Oh..

Don't just stand there, man. Get me the scotch tape!

Thank you.

Ahem. It's cold.

Gentlemen.

What is it?

- Caviar. - Caviar.

I know caviar. I meant, what brand?

The chef imports it, sir.

It's very expensive.

Not really, sir. Only $200 a pound.

What's the matter? Don't you like it?

I don't know.

I don't think I can eat..

...anything that costs "$200 a pound."

I watched you on the jet skis. You were wonderful.

You having a good time?

Yes. It's very, um...

Elegant.

Right.

Champagne, gentlemen?

Would you like something else?

To be honest with you, a cold beer.

Come. We have a nice selection.

C'est vraiment froid.

Woo!

Merci.

Woo!

J'aime bien moi.

Michelle, Suzanne.

Il est tres simple.

C'est difficile ca, pas simple.

Ah, oui?

Well, hello.

I pray you're all having a pleasant time.

Formidable.

Good. Um..

Would you two mind seeing me in private?

It's your party.

Well, then, this way.

Eh...excusez-moi.

Attendez-vous ici, s'il vous plait.

He's cute.

Pas mal.

Come in.

I invited you here today so we could..

...settle matters between us.

My objective is a simple understanding.

I hope that you equally enjoy the situation.

You realize you're offering us a bribe?

Uh, no.

This is semantics, Poncherello.

Semantics. Poncherello, yes?

You see, in my country, um...

this is custom, please.

We have customs, too. And we have laws.

I'm above your laws.

Come on.

Someday you're gonna kill somebody the way you drive

but you cannot buy permission to do it on our beat.

Not for all the oil in the Middle East.

Baker, I owe you another quarter.

Excuse me, uh, Fay

we'd just like to say thank you and good-bye.

Oh, is anything wrong?

Yeah, I need a hamburger..

...at 98 cents a pound.

- Good-bye. - Bye.

Ponch.

You know, I never asked you why, uh

Barney's studying police science

when he can't even obey the law.

Well, his father hopes he'll learn

and come home and take charge of the Sheikdom's police.

Is this where you live?

Oh, yeah. Um..

Listen, how come the Sheik put you in charge of his son?

I thought women in your country were, uh..

Unemancipated.

Yeah.

We are and that's the point.

You see, Barney won't take orders from any man.

But I'm his cousin. I represent no threat to him.

So he'll take... persuasion from me.

Ponch, aren't we going in?

Yeah, okay, Fay, but don't expect too much, alright?

And..

In fact, don't expect anything.

I'm buying some furniture, but, uh..

This is how the other half lives.

I mean, I'm not apologizing for being poor.

It's just that I'm sorry if you--

Ponch, I love your place.

- Oh, yeah? Really? - It's great.

Well, let me take you to the balcony.

Let me show you the view.

- Okay. - Come on.

Ahem!

Oh, uh, excuse me. This is, uh..

Permettez-moi de vous presenter Suzanne, n'est-ce pas?

- Oui. - Ca va?

Ca va.

What is shaking, pussycats?

Hey, Jon, the steaks are burning!

Here.

Hey!

Okay, here. W-wait! Smother it.

Ow! Get the sprayer! Where's the sprayer?

Ow! Ow! Hey!

Oh, no!

I like mine well-done anyway.

You sent for us, sarge?

Uh, yeah. I thought you guys might like

to ride in the cruiser for the rest of the day.

Normally, I know you wouldn't like to do that.

But, uh, it might be fun, you'll have company.

- Who? - Company?

Uh, your observer.

You mean you want us to baby-sit that?

I mean, I can't even.. If he says one..

The idea is to anoint him with the wisdom

of the California vehicle code.

Ah, come on, sarge. That's a bit much to ask.

Ask?

Yes. Is it an order?

No.

Then it's too much.

It's just a request.

- 'From his government.' - Mm-mm.

- From your state department. - Uh-uh.

'From your division commander.'

- No. - No.

Your sergeant!

All this is a waste of time.

Why don't you just take me home?

This is your father's idea.

He wouldn't like it.

But why you two?

Well, maybe he heard we were friends.

Listen, why don't you just relax

and maybe you can learn something?

I've learned all I care to know.

You write citations, the fines are paid

the government gets richer.

You know what you are, both of you?

You're nothing more than tax collectors in fancy uniforms.

Listen, Your Highness--

Ahem, it's gonna cost you a quarter.

The uniforms aren't that fancy.

And we don't always write citations

because we're not always around.

And reckless drivers get away with murder.

Six kids on the way to the beach.

The driver, he lost control and went off the Canyon Road.

He's okay. Minor injuries.

He killed all five of his friends.

'This one was forced out of control'

in front of a truck that couldn't stop.

Three fatalities.

One four-year-old child.

The guy who cut him off..

...never even stopped.

'Attention, all units in the vicinity of Veteran and Slawson'

'possible 11-44.'

Come on, Barney. Get in. Let's roll.

LA 15, 7 Mary 4 responding.

Hey, Barney!

- What is it? - Come on, get in.

'Two cars involved.'

'15 SA, 10-39 at the office.'

'15 6 Adam, 11-25.'

'Stalled vehicle in the number one lane.'

'East bound, Santa Monica freeway..'

Come on, Sheik. Let's go. Come on! They need help.

Hurry up. Will you move it?

- Can you get him out? - Yeah.

I'll need the portapower and some chain.

It's in the second compartment

right side of the truck.

Sheik, come here.

Your Highness, come here.

Barney, come here!

Now, you hold this up high.

Is he going to live?

He's got a 60-40 chance.

I see you have royalty with you.

What's he doing?

Sightseeing.

Not pretty.

Say, Jon, you mind taking the statements here?

I'll do the hospital follow-up.

Alright. You're faded.

- See you later. - You bet.

I lost my temper at him.

I think it did some good.

Sometimes that's the only way.

Just hang on, old man.

'You're in excellent hands.'

'So be on the lookout for car clouters'

'shaking down any abandoned vehicles.'

'Okay, I guess that's everything.'

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Regulations state that accepting gifts or gratuities

is strictly prohibited.

Okay, hit your beats.

Well, I hope you two are aware

that that last little bit was meant for you.

- Us? - Yep.

The only gift I ever got was from a guy

I helped change a tire.

Gave me a tip on a horse..

...and the donkey ran dead last.

Well, if I were you, I'd check the parking lot out

before you engrave it in stone.

- Parking lot? - Yep.

Whoo!

Wow!

Beautiful, aren't they?

Yeah, but they do look like gifts.

They couldn't be for us.

Uh, read the cards.

Hey, Jon, this one is addressed to you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, uh... this one's yours.

Hmm.

Pink slips.

Huh. "Sheik Barney."

I don't know, Jon.

An SE's a little more car than I want.

Yeah, well, you think you'd like the 450 SL a little better?

It's yours.

Whoo!

Ah...but why?

These are not bribes.

These are gifts of gratitude

from friend to friend.

You made me.. How do you say?

You made me open my eyes and see things.

You made me see myself.

All I wanted to do was thank you.

Well, we can't accept them. They're gifts.

But in America, we place

a very high price on a handshake.

Ah..

Well..

Well..

At least, I can say that from now on..

...I'm going to drive the limousine.

Rather, my staff is going to drive it for me.

No more hot-rodding in the Ferrari.

Well, that's very good.

Uh, one more thing.

Control your temper.

And always try to be cool, calm and friendly.

Yes, yes. Cool, calm and friendly.

Yes.

See you, Barney.

Why, that two-faced, double-talking liar!

Watch your temper, Ponch.

I'm mad and I admit it!

I've had it with this cat. I'm going to throw the book at him.

I'm gonna take him off the street.

- Immunity or no immunity-- - Hey, Ponch, uh...

Well, at last you're here to do your duty.

- I am? - Ponch?

I've been speeding all over your beat.

I have a ticket from Baricza.

I have one from Grossman. I have one from Cahill.

I have one from Fritz.

Where have you been?

Look, you didn't have to go speeding.

You could have called me tonight.

I'll be gone by tonight.

I'm flying to Paris at 4:00.

To Paris? Why?

Well, Barney's younger brother is in trouble

and the Sheik wants me to try to straighten him out.

Do you care to join me?

Yeah, sure. Jon speaks French.

Anyway, I'll write you.

And I'll expect replies.

Oh, that's a deal.

'Hey, hey, hey!'

Hold it, now. Ponch, that's a gift.

Well, come on. You're gonna have to return it.

What do you want me to do with these tickets?

Let the consulate handle them.

A really special type.

Yeah, but, uh... blew your cool.

Oh, wait a minute, man.

That was before I knew it was her.

Nah, "I'm mad" you said. "I admit it."

So I owe you another quarter.

Yeah, well, uh, I'll take it.