Original subtitles

Pilot to crew.

Another 30 minutes, we got it made.

Ole!

Did you hear that, pudge?

Another 30 minutes, we're back in Frat City.

Man, there was nothing to it.

Yeah, and I thought initiations were supposed to be a drag.

Speaking of drags

what do you say we celebrate with a little cannabis rex?

- Yeah. - Alright.

- Alright. Yeah. - Yes, indeed.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Now I heard everything.

What's the matter, Ponch? It makes perfect sense.

The faster you go, the faster your nail polish would dry.

Cool it. Two chippies at 10 o'clock.

Hey, Ponch, the tunnel.

That rig's way over the height limit.

For the love of those bummers.

- What do we do? - Never mind.

- Hang on tight. - Well, go get 'em, A.J.

O-Old Chris here knows the roads like the back of his hand.

Hey, and stash the joint.

Uh, oh, boy. Uh.

A-About that car sickness I never told you guys about..

...I gotta lie down.

No!

Hey, Chris, what happened?

Oh, God, he'll kill me.

My old man's gonna kill me.

You guys all right?

- We weren't breaking the law. - Look what you made me do!

Hey, man, you blew the warning signs.

We were just trying to head you off.

Lousy hotshots.

Hey, Turk, cool it, huh.

'Help! Somebody help!'

It's Todd. He's up in the bunk.

Please, help me.

It's ok, kid. Relax. We'll have you out in a second.

Fire!

'It's on fire.'

The batteries are arcing all over the place.

Hey, give me that oar over there, quick.

Give me that oar, man, now!

'I can't get out.'

Get back.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Problem? There's no problem.

It's just that, uh, these burning rags seems to be

woven with pure Acapulco gold.

Marijuana.

Yeah. Couple kilos at least.

Come on, you guys.

You never saw the stuff, okay?

Yeah, just a-a quick trip down to Mexico

brought back some souvenirs, that's all.

It's not for sale or anything like that.

If I could explain, officer.

It's a just a little initiation stunt.

You know how it is you plan a big fraternity blowout

you want to do it up right, huh?

You're choking me up, you know.

Come on, give us a break.

Yeah, you owe us one, seeing as how you got us into this mess.

Hey, listen, an ounce, we write you a ticket

but anything over that, you tell it to the judge.

Thanks very much.

Bet you a buck we don't even get to testify.

Will the defendants please rise?

Pay me.

Hey, I didn't even open my mouth.

You have entered pleas of guilty.

Now, the transportation of drugs

or any mind-altering substance constitutes a felony

and I'm going to credit you with the understanding

of the seriousness of your crime.

I trust that I'm right in that regard?

Dean Porter has informed me that you have been suspended

for the balance of the semester

and that your fraternity has been barred

from campus for one year.

In view of the punitive action taken by Freemont University

and the fact that this is your first offense for each of you

the sentence for each of you will be

six months. Suspended.

Court adjourned.

Hey, no hard feelings, I hope.

Yeah, after all, we found you. You didn't find us.

We just blew our cool.

You guys were doing your job.

Listen, next time you go shopping in Mexico

stick to velvet piggy banks, okay?

Cute.

- Real cute. - Yeah.

A regular Batman and Robin.

Uh, hey, you guys, wait up.

Uh-oh. Talk about a blue Monday.

Ah, Jon, as one of the few officers around here

who has it all together, uh, present company included

what are your honest feelings about

the CHP encouraging its officers

to get involved with the community

you know, above and beyond the call of duty?

My feeling is that sergeants that ask questions

like that are not to be trusted.

Ah...Jon, that's what makes you a good cop.

Perfect instincts.

Yes.

Ok, uh, let's get it on.

I know it's running late, and you guys just can't wait

to get out on your beats.

But, uh, first, a word about our upcoming open house.

First I got some good news and some bad news.

First the bad news.

Uh, Officer Don Walters will not be able

to be the chairman of the open house.

He's been called to Sacramento on an FBI Auto Theft Seminar.

And the good news is that Officer Jon Baker

has very graciously volunteered to take his place.

Hey, wait a minute. I'm already on the motorcycle drill team.

Let's give the new chairman of the open house

a big hand for doing double duty, shall we?

See, it pays to stay on his rotten side, like me.

Now I have a very special award.

Since there are no volunteers for the chairmanship

of the refreshment committee

it gives me great pleasure to bestow this very vital function

on our most gifted virtuoso

of the on-duty coffee break

Officer Frank Poncherello.

Hey! Ha, ha.

That's my partner.

No. I'm on the drill team, sarge.

Come on, what do I know about refreshments?

Give it to one of the girls. It's their bag. Come on, sarge.

Ready to split, huh, Todd?

Yeah, I guess so.

My folks didn't give me much choice.

How about you guys?

Are you going to stick it out here the rest of the semester?

Yeah, for a while, anyway.

Sure beats listening to my old man tell me, "I told you so."

Yeah, well, uh, see you guys.

Sorry the way things turned out for the whole house.

I just can't believe alpha omega's been kicked off campus.

Yeah, and all because of those cops.

Man, i-if only there was some way we could give them

some of their own medicine.

Yeah, wouldn't that be nice?

Uh, not that I'd want to get anybody hurt.

I'd just like to make them squirm

the way they're making us squirm.

You mean really embarrass them.

Yeah...them, t-their buddies, the whole cotton-picking CHP.

- The more the merrier. - Yeah. Why not?

I mean, we've certainly got the time

and the brainpower.

Might even be some fun.

Talk about sheer irony.

Have you guys seen these handouts?

Courtesy of your civic-minded student union.

"Come join the fun."

At CHP headquarters.

They're holding an open house a week from Saturday.

Big deal. Fun with the fuzz.

Yeah, and then again, this just might be

exactly what we're looking for.

Oh, yeah.

What a way to turn the tables.

It's perfect.

'Okay, Sindy, okay. So I'm a male chauvinist pig.'

The point is, I got to line up a bunch of cookies

for my refreshment stand from somewhere.

Oh, I see.

And since I'm a woman, I belong in the kitchen

just baking my little heart away.

Well, why not?

You don't have any other assignments.

Yes, I do.

I just happen to be demonstrating techniques

for communicating with the handicapped.

Okay, that's great

but there are going to be a lot of little girls

and little boys there

and they're gonna get hot and tired and hungry.

Now, what am I gonna do about them?

Ponch, how should I know any better than you?

I mean, half the parents in this world are men, you know.

Ah, problems, Poncherello?

Hey, listen, sarge, about this refreshment committee thing.

I gotta resign. I don't know what I'm doing.

Hey, you're doing fine.

Ah, but I do have one little hint for you.

What? Anything. What?

Will you handle the open house problems on your own time?

You're on company time now. Get with it.

Mail those for me, will you?

Okay, let's go over it one more time

so everyone has it straight.

Now, the helicopter will be in Area B

W-Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Freeze.

Now, I thought my pistol range was in Area B.

No, no, no. See, that's Area C.

Uh, you said the mobile salvage crane was Area C.

No. See, B, C...

- I did? - Yeah.

Okay, let's take it from the top again.

Okay, guys, come on, break it up.

Time to hit the bricks. Boss' orders.

Hey, wait a minute. When am I supposed to get this stuff done?

Sergeant says you can take all the time you need

just as long as it's between midnight

and 2.00 in the morning.

'You really ticked off at Getraer?'

'Yeah, for eight reasons.'

'Hot drinks, cold drinks, pies, cakes, candy, and nuts.'

'That's only seven.'

'The topper is the drill team.'

'He expects me to practice day and night on that.'

'Hey, Ponch, trouble.'

Hey, Ponch.

You're not gonna believe this.

Let me guess. Locked up tight as a drum, huh?

Yeah, well, that's not the half of it.

You got a note on the dash addressed to you.

What, man?

Come on, there's no time for games, Baker.

Let me have your baton.

Baton.

- Okay, you got it? - Yeah. Get in there.

Turn that hard right.

Easy.

Alright.

Excuse me while I read my mail, okay?

"Pat a cake, pat a cake, Baker's man."

That's it?

Hey, check it out. They maybe forgot something.

Wrong again.

They didn't forget a thing.

Flour. Ain't ordinary flour.

Man, that's gonna drive them ape.

And not a word over one syllable long.

I think they can handle that.

What's that?

Mother goose strikes again.

You've gotta be kidding. You, too?

"Bake a cake as fast as you can."

Well, that shoots that theory down.

What theory?

About 3 years ago, this little blonde said she'd get me

if it was the last thing she ever did.

But now...they want both of us.

Uh, could you repeat that, sir?

I sure hope you know what you're doing, Ponch.

What? And set a trend around here?

Come on. Who are you kidding?

You're really into this open house, and you know it.

Well, if I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it right.

Uh, just one moment.

Besides, every cloud has a silver lining.

Uh, the arts and crafts table goes over there, Mr. Perez.

Uh.

Hey, Poncherello, you got a minute?

And Baker, you, too.

Yeah, what's up, sarge?

Let me guess. Uh, Jon's brush is too loud.

Very funny.

Look, will you two tell your practical joker buddies

that I am not a messenger service?

What practical joker buddies?

Uh, whoever left this letter

at the front desk addressed to, uh, "Ponch and Judy."

Oh.

Let's see, "One for the money, two for the show

"three to get ready to make some dough."

I think somebody's trying to tell us something.

Yeah, first, it was, uh, Baker's man, then some flour

and now some dough.

There's a pattern there somewhere.

Yeah, the question is, why?

I mean, why us?

Why not..

...Judy?

- Looking good, Turk. - Yeah.

You sure you've got the routine?

In order to get back to central

they've got to take the Santa Monica transition westbound.

Right. 4:25 sharp.

You got the play money?

You bet.

Alright, let's do it, men. Let's do it.

Man, I'd give anything to see the expression on their faces.

Easy. This is just phase two.

Next Saturday is all ours.

'Hey, Jon, remind me to call Cynthia when we get back.'

'She makes the greatest oatmeal cookies.'

How do you like that?

- How do you like that? - Right on schedule.

- I told you so. - Alright.

Alright, anytime, now. Come on.

Woo-hoo!

Yes!

- You alright? - Yeah, a-alright.

You alright? Alright.

LA 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4.

10-97, multiple collisions, 210 Eastbound at Glen Oaks.

I don't believe this.

Incredible, isn't it?

I was just driving along, minding my own business

and somebody started dumping this stuff all over the place.

- Play money? - Can you imagine?

All these big bills, and it won't even

buy me a cup of coffee.

Forget the coffee, ma'am.

Somebody could have been killed here.

Well, come on, partner, what are you staring at?

I just don't believe it.

What do you mean? What are you talking about?

That last rhyme. "Three to get ready to make some dough."

Alright, you can take the whole bullpen area

for your computer readout exhibit.

- How's that, bear? - Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Hmm.

Sorry I missed you this morning.

I had to stop at the library.

You're just in time.

Go on, hit me.

"You're not very bright, but give it a shot.

"To get it right, just mind your peas and porridges."

Uh-huh. Now we're getting somewhere.

And what's that?

Mother goose.

So far, everything's right out of this baby

including the peas and porridge jazz.

Here we go. Page 35.

"Pease porridge hot, peas porridge cold.

'"Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old."'

Hey, pretty soon, you're gonna be ready for Dr. Seuss.

Oh, uh, morning, sarge.

It's a present for my niece.

- Four years old today, right? - Uh-huh.

Well, when you get to the part about the mouse

who runs up the clock

take a hint, will you?

Pease porridge in the pot, Nine days old.

Hey, Jon, telephone. Line two.

Yeah, okay. Great.

Hello, Officer Baker.

'This is Tom Weeland over at Weeland Bakeries.'

Mm-hmm.

I heard about your open house

and I was wondering if I could donate

some bakery goods to the cause.

You know, since I can't hold my excess inventory

over to Monday anyway.

Yeah, well, sounds great.

Why don't you hang on just a second.

Hey, listen, a bakery wants to know if they can donate

some goodies, you interested?

Are you kidding? I'll take everything they got.

Oh, well, uh, what about Cynthia?

Oh, I figured it would be in poor taste

to bother her on her honeymoon.

Uh, Mr. Weeland?

Listen, my refreshment chairman

says that, uh, he would greatly appreciate your offer.

Well, good.

I'll have my truck over there Saturday around noon.

Please, it's the least I can do.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, yeah!

Good going.

We are all set.

I told my uncle I needed one of his trucks

to pick up some furniture.

- Well, alright. - Do it. Let's go.

That's the convertible.

That's what I was thinking.

Alright, hang on.

Okay. Okay, man.

Well, well. Look what we got here.

Joe College.

Okay, let's go. School's out.

Come on.

Looks like everything's starting to fall into place.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, nothing.

We spend all our spare time figuring out riddles.

Yeah. Right, right, shot, pot.

Stuff like that.

I knew it. Those two chippies are here.

Oh, no. They got our bail revoked. What do you bet?

Relax. This just makes things more interesting.

'Well, wait a minute, Freddy.'

Davey and I go to court, not you.

Charged with what? Littering the freeway with play money?

It was an accident.

Try reckless driving and failing to obey a police officer.

Pure harassment, man. It'll never stick.

They've had it in for us ever since

we beat the possession rap.

Hello, gentlemen. Sorry to disturb you.

Good old officers Baker and Poncherello here.

Mind if we take a minute of your time?

Well, this is a surprise.

We just wanted to return your love letters.

Seeing as how we're going to break up

this little romance right now.

What in the world is he talking about?

I'm talking about what seems to be fun and games to you guys

and it's gonna get somebody killed out there.

Oh, what fun and games?

How about abandoning a car right

in the middle of the freeway

provoking a monumental traffic jam

and speeding through a public park, huh?

You know, you guys are lucky

you're really lucky you're not staring

a manslaughter-2 right in the face.

The bottom line is it's got to stop right here and now.

You got a beef against us?

Let's settle it...face to face.

Hey, Ponch, uh, I think they got the message.

Did you get the message, anybody?

I didn't get any message.

Paper plates! Remind me to get paper plates.

And plastic forks.

Hey, Jon, I think somebody's trying to tell you something.

Why didn't you guys come to me earlier?

We thought we could handle it ourselves.

Yeah, till 20 minutes ago.

Look, I've got no choice but to

pull you guys off the open house

as of now, for your own safety.

No way, sarge.

Yeah, if something's gonna break today

it's better that it looks like we don't suspect anything.

Well, alright, but I'm doubling the security just in case.

Alright. Thank you.

Okay, start setting up the paper plates and cups.

Hey, Ponch, looks like you really outdid yourself.

First-class all the way, stewardess and all.

- Right, Linda? - Ha ha.

He loves the way I say coffee, tea, or what have you.

Hey, guys. Mail call.

Don't forget, drill team goes in 15 minutes.

Looks like mother goose strikes again.

"Pat a cake, pat a cake, Baker's man.

"Bake me a cake as fast as you can".

Beautiful. Back to square one.

No, hold it. There's more to it.

"Pat it and prick it and mark it with a B.

"Put it in the oven for Alice and Wheee"?

Alice and Wheee?

Oh, no!

My stand! You're too close!

Help me, Linda! Look.

'Oh. Oh, no.'

Oh, no.

Mm-hmm...nothing like the smell of homemade brownies.

Hey, hey, let's hear it for all those brave and fearless girls

from dear old Gamma Delta Phi!

Yeah!

Hey...beautiful.

Come back in a few minutes for some cookies, too.

Bake a cake.

B instead of T, Alice instead of Tommy.

Come on, Ponch, you're missing all the fun.

Don't I know it.

What if Baker spots us?

With all these civilians around? No chance.

He's too busy being nice.

Listen, honey, you mind the store.

I got to go teach Evil Knievel a few things, okay?

Okay.

Any inspiration?

Nothing.

Cake, pot, Alice and Wheee.

Who can track it?

Excuse me, Sindy.

Okay, you guys, all I expect is perfection.

Nothing less.

Okay, we're gonna have the drill team now.

O-oh, brownies, the kids'll love 'em.

I can guarantee it.

Excuse me.

- Hey, Ponch! - Yeah?

That bakery truck.

It's not cakes. It's brownies.

Remember the Wheee in Weeland?

Put that with Alice and the B.

So what are you driving at?

Alice B Toklas. Remember the movie?

That's the name of the cookbook when they sprinkle

all the pot on everything including the brownies.

Bye.

Come on.

Meaning we as in Wheee?

They spotted us.

Hey, don't touch that, alright?

Okay, wise guy, end of the line.

Get him out of here.

Ponch, how could you?

Don't look at me.

I told Getraer I didn't know what I was doing.

Ah, the captain has asked me to read the following.

"I wish to commend all those responsible

"for making our fifth annual open house

"such an outstanding success

"and in particular the fine work of Officer Jon Baker

"for providing the highest level of leadership

"in the face of outside interference

"that threatened the well-being of every visitor."

"Signed, Captain John Haskell, commander, Central Area."

Sarge, wait a minute. What about Ponch?

Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm not through.

Of course. Who could forget your contribution?

This is just for you.

According to this bill

25 bucks will just about take care of

the damage to the lemonade dispenser.