Original subtitles

My fear isn’t Irrational.

Fear of fire is Totally justified.

Even one match can Start an inferno.

Hmm. It’s like my Fear of poor people.

Even one can start A socialist uprising.

You’d be the first Against the wall.

Yeah. Oh!

Ooh, tired today.Here, finish mine. Huh. Billing the Most hours this year

Almost killed me, but It’ll be worth it.

Oh, finally! Where The hell were you?

I had to get My own latte.

I picked up your Dry cleaning

And dropped it off At your place,

And did Your dishes.

Then I came here and Tidied your office

And spit-shined Your pens.

What the fuck Happened to Your face?

Chicken pox, sir.

Due to my home Schooling,

I was never exposed To the virus.

Or to the so-called Theory of evolution.

Chicken pox?

My office is Contaminated!

This whole area Is contaminated!

You’re contaminated!

I’ve never had The chicken pox!

Sanctuary!

You dropped Your coffee.

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Psst! Robin.

Why are you Laughing?

Uh, just a little Tired, sir. Ahem.

We have an announcement To make.

The lawyer who billed The most hours

Over the past year, With 3331, is...

Rockin’ robin howland.

Guess I better start Packing.

However, first prize Is no longer

Two weeks in the Cayman islands.What...? It’s going to be an old-timey Roast of robin!

Like dino martin used to do.

Okay, so let me get this Straight.

Instead of getting sun- Tanned and cornrows,

We’re going to make fun Of you.

Wow. Well, how do you feel About that?

I think it fucking sucks.

Save the jokes for the roast.

So you got a brazilian For nothing.

Sucks to be bald.

Well, all the hours I’ve billed

Have definitely put me on Partner track.

I’ll just put up with this Roast bullshit.

I think you’re Forgetting your skin

Is thinner than A burn victim’s.

This roast is going To destroy you.

Uh, I spent the second half Of that meeting

Coming up with Good retorts.

Oh, yeah, that Makes sense.You are a little Retorted. Oh shit, that’s Better than My material.

All I have are six Knock-knock jokes.

Who’s there?

Sam and robin.

Sam and robin who?

Oh, come on, Just let us in!

All right, only If you suit up.

I’ve already cut Out the neck holes.

This reminds me Of halloween.

My mom said I was A california raisin,

But all the other Kids said it’s Just a garbage bag

And that I’m poor. Mmm.

Clean? Any spots?

Close the door!

Here.

Whew...How could You possibly Avoid getting The chicken pox For 32 years?

Well, I’m sorry, Unlike some people,

I wasn’t born in The fucking gutter

With rats crawling All over me.

Uh, chicken pox Is not a poor Person’s disease.

Uh-huh... Hey, Don’t touch!

Put down That...

Well, what Are they,

And why do they Have... Times Written on them?

I’m studying my fluids For signs of disease.

Ugh...

Well, how many Are there?

You’ve only been In here for an hour.

Well, I had a lot Of coffee to drink This morning,

Then I had to empty The bottles to piss in.

You know, it’s a... Just a vicious cycle.

Okay, clark... Vicious.

Clark, Listen to me.

Listen to me!

You’ve got To go home.

Go home, watch "Days of our lives",

Masturbate when Your mom goes To the store...

I can’t! I Can’t get...

Look, every inch Of this firm

Is infected by That fucker, millie.

Ew. So how long is Your quarantine?

Too soon to say.

I have to wait for The test results.

This is kind Of exciting.

Look at all These people here,

Just for me.

What are you Doing back here?

The brass get A whiff of Your jokes?

I’m not ragging On robin publicly.

She holds a grudge Like the chick From "The grudge".

Welcome, Ladies and germs.

What can we say About a woman

Who is loved By everyone?

We can say she’s Not the woman

We’re roasting Here tonight.

Let’s get this show On the road, already.

Maxine!

Take it to The house.

Ah...

You know, robin Doesn’t put on airs.With all she eats, She has enough Trouble just putting On her pants!

Robin’s the most colourful Personality I know.

She’s usually Green with envy,

And has a yellow Streak down her back.

Why’s everyone Laughing?

That joke sucked.

She’s saying you’re A jealous coward!

Now, it’s time to hear From clark claxton!

Whoo-hoo!

Go ahead, bubble boy.

All right. Great to Be here, everyone.

Robin howland, Look at that face.

Vic, point at Robin’s face.

I’m doing it now.

Yeah.

Look at that face, Just amazing.

I’ve seen happier faces On milk cartons.

I’ve seen prettier faces On mount rushmore.

Yeah. She’s got the eyes Of a giant squid.

Oh, and the arms too.

Show us, vic.

She’s always doing that...

Seriously, seriously, She’s a total idiot.

Total idiot. Wow.

Someone punch her In the neck for me.

Robin’s a loser!

Good night, everybody.

That wasn’t Even a joke!

Robin...

I took a whiff of Robin’s box once,

And it smells worse Than my mom’s freezer!

And it’s about The same size too!

And temperature!

And it probably has The same warranty.

Which is expired!

Oh, seriously, Folks,

Robin’s always Said that I’m a Cunning linguist!

I’m just Kidding... Don’t touch me!

Just kidding.

Oh, oh, oh!

Now, as is Roast tradition,

She who has received Shall give.

I welcome Fagen & harrison’s

Lawyer of the year, Robin howland!

Thank you all for Honouring me tonight.

It means a lot

To have you all here...

Laughing at me...

Making fun of me...

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Who is it?

Fuck you!

Fuck you, That’s who!

Huh? You think You’re funny?

You think you’re all So fucking hilarious?

Well, guess again, Cocksuckers!

Okay...

Let’s get started with My "Bestest fwiends",sam and clark, The bert and ernie Of fagen & harrison.

Another pair of Puppets passing As straight guys.

And hey, mr. Fagen, You senile jackass,

You’re so old, you Shit dinosaur bones!

And maxine,

I’ve seen younger faces On rotting corpses.

Maxine and I Were at the gym the Other day, changing,

And her tits looked Like tube socks Full of nickels!

Don’t even try it, Mr. Kaplan,

I’m just Getting started!

Huh, you have Fun last night

At the bathhouse, You old queer? Huh?

Sucking cocks Like lollipops?

That fraud in Accounting... Fuck you!

You fucker, you Think you’re smart?

Huh, you think You’re smart?

You’re just A fucking asshole!

Hey! Oh, I feel like a pig Shat on my brain.

I was up all Night practising Being remorseful.

Because of your Little tirade At the roast?

No, because I’m wearing a Poly-cotton blend

And pretending It’s cashmere.

Of course Because of The roast!

Mr. Kaplan. Robin!

How are you this Lovely morning?

I’m, uh...

I’m well, sir.

Well, you have yourself A great day!

Well, I wasn’t Expecting that.

Hi, robin! Here’s Your coffee.

Did you Spit in it?

Oh, ha, ha, ha, You are funny!

And so pretty too.

I wish I had Your hair.

You have yourself The best day!

Okay, everyone’s Being nice, sam.

What’s going on?

I fixed it.

How’d you Do that?

I told everyone you Went off your meds

And you had a Psychotic episode.

What’d you Do that for?

If everyone Thinks I’m insane,

I’ll never Make partner!

Oh, I never Thought of that.

Well, at least If they fire you,

You can sue for Wrongful dismissal.

Okay, I have To fix this now.

Maybe I should have Told them her mom died.

What do you want?

Clark asked me For a copy of Sexy "Tetris".

Hey. Pass it in.

Ooh, chicken.

What? What is it?

Nothing. You Just have a Lot of stubble.

Nose hairs.

Well, a couple More days in here

And I’ll be In the clear.

The only Downside is I’m...

I’m missing my Daily fix of courtney

In her slutty Outfits.

That is one mean case Of chicken pox.

You stay here. Don’t let clark Out of the office.

He’s got "Sextris", Where’s he going to go?

Clark has The chicken pox!

Clark has the Chicken pox!

Clark has The chicken pox!

Ooh... Ugh!

Get out of here!

Leave me alone! Aah!

Sam says robin’s Got some serious Mental problems.

Yeah? Maybe we Should take her To the casino

To have her Count cards.

She’s nuts, Not autistic.

Oh...

The swatting?

Oh! Oh, that? No... I’m not crazy!

Honest. It’s... It’s the flies.

The flies are Everywhere!

Someone keeps Leaving fruit In my office!

Stupid bananas. Stupid bananas!

Hey, robin.

Indoor voice, please.

For instance, if We were outside I would’ve said...

"Hey, robin!"

But we’re inside, So I said, "Hey, robin." Okay, mr. Kaplan, I-I Want to talk to you.

Sam was just Joking around when He said I was crazy.

I’m not crazy. I’m far from crazy.

I’m so sane, It’s almost crazy.

All right, Whatever you say.

Why are you talking To me that way?

That’s how I talk To my uncle jimmy.

Now, he’s crazy. He’s In an institution.

Maybe it’s genetic.

He’s my mom’s Boyfriend,

He just asked me To call him uncle.

Point is, I’m not crazy!Sure, sure. Oh, I-I think I hear Your phone ringing.

I... I don’t Hear anything.

That’s good! See, you’re Making progress.

Okay, kids, Go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go!Get in there, Gerald. Make dad proud! What the hell?

Get out of here! No chance, doll.

We’re throwing A chicken pox party

And you’re the Guest of honour.

A chicken pox what? Party!

These kids need To get chicken pox

And get it over With it already.

You’re not getting Out till they Get infected.

I have chicken pox?

I thought it was A reaction to Drinking my own pee!

Keep a guard on this Door at all times.

But, I can’t...

Ah! My sores!

If he tries to Escape, mace him!

Who needs mace when I got these guns.

Mwah, mwah.

Ah-h!

Goddamn it!

Ugh, they’re like a Pack of rabid lemurs.

Whose kid are you?

My mom’s.

Yeah, I know That, dummy. What’s her name?

Lauren chambers.

Ugh. You must Be adopted.

I’m adopted?

Yeah.

Stop it!

Stop it!

This apple juice is Warm, uncle clark.

I finished my nap, Uncle clark.

All right, I’m coming.

I’m coming.

There we go.

Good job.

What do we do Now, uncle clark?

I don’t know, Hop on your foot Or something.

Stop, stop, stop.

What do we do now, Uncle clark?

Uh, pat your head, Rub your belly.

Stop. What, are You going to do Everything I say?

Yeah?

They’ll obey any Order I give ’em,

Like a little Child army.

My child army.

Children!

Scratch my pox!

Ah...

Oh, that’s The stuff!

Nice. Now get away, That’s enough.

Now, get out, Get out of here.

Now, what do We do next?

Um, what do you Kids know about Digging tunnels?

As the contract Currently stands,

The client would be Crazy to sign it.

No offence, robin.

Sir, I’m not crazy.

Oh, robin, he’s not Calling you crazy.

He’s just saying No offence Should be taken

When none Was intended.

Exactamundo!

Ah...

Huh...

What are you doing?

Nothing. I wasn’t Doing anything.

Was I doing anything?

Okay, I know What that means.

It’s the universal Sign for crazy.

Oh, sweetie, Not in bangkok.

In bangkok, it means, "Cheque, please"!

You little bastard...

Boy, crazy people Can be so sensitive.

I’m not crazy!

Okay, I’m Not crazy.

What are You doing?

God, I’m not crazy!

I’m not crazy!

Time to call the boys With the butterfly nets.

Private nicolette, Your squad’s mission

Is to acquire me Calamine lotion,

Cigars, and a good Bottle of scotch.

Best place to look Is mr. Fagen’s office.

Yes, sir. Single malt?

The fact that you’re Asking me that question Concerns me, private,

But yes. Now Move, soldier.

Private levon.

This is usually The time of day

I cruise over To accounting

To check out courtney’s Considerable assets,

If you know What I mean.

Take this camera and Be my eyes, soldier.

Your country’s Counting on you.

Yes, sir. Now move.

Ha-ha.

Oh, and, uh...

None of that soft- Focus arty shit!

Okay, sam, tell Them I’m not crazy.

Tell them you Made it up.

Yeah, it’s all Sam’s fault.

But... Sam!

Sam, this isn’t funny.

I’ll visit! I promise. Sam, sam!

Sam, you’re A dead man!

Sam, you Fucking bastard!

I’ll rip your lying Tongue out and Feed it to pigs!

You know, I really Thought they’d have Butterfly nets.

Yeah, I’m a little Disappointed myself.

Oh, stupid banana.

Oh, hey, robin!

So how’d you escape The nut house?

Tie your bed Sheets together?

Ah, the doctor Quickly surmised

That I’m not Fucking crazy!

Yeah, sure, I’ve Got trust issues,

But maybe that’s Because a close Friend of mine

Committed me to a Mental institution.

Hey, I was The only one who Visited, wasn’t I?

I’ve got to Go find kaplan

And try and Salvage my career.

Well, don’t Sleep with him.

It won’t do anything For your crazy rep.

Won’t do anything for Your slutty rep either.

Where’s my Glacier water?

Oh, there it is.

Well done. Soldiers?

Well done.

Soon the entire Floor will be ours.

Ha-ha.

Ah. Where’s my Calamine lotion?

All I could find was Cream cheese, sir.

Ah, well, That’ll do.

Mm, double whipped.

Ah, sweet relief!

Wait, wait, Where’s levon?

He hasn’t come Back yet, sir.

It’s been Over an hour!

Soldiers, we Don’t rest until We find him.

No child left behind! Not on my watch!

Where’s my watch?

Gerald...

Hmm-hmm.

All right! Oh!

Please, Don’t hurt me.I-I’m too Pretty to hurt. Mr. Kaplan, this Little piece of paper

Certifies that I am not crazy.

You just might Be crazy enough

To have stolen Something like this

From a sane person.

A sane person Wouldn’t have Proof of...

Let me Rephrase that.

I insist you put me Back on partner track.

We never took you Off partner track.

Well, sure, that’s What you told "Crazy robin",

But now you’re Talking to the robin

Who is Certifiably sane.

Did you just See that?

See what?

The... Tiny little Hand, the...

Huh... I give up.

I’m nuts.

I am a loopy Fruit loop.

I’m crazy.

A little crazy Never hurt anybody.

If mental illness Got in the way Of being partner,

Then there’d be No one at the helm.

What do you mean?

Come on, Follow me.

The last time You said that,

I ended up getting Electroshock therapy.

Come on.

Oh, levon! There You are, soldier.

You okay? You all right?

Ah. Ha-hah!

Oh, you magnificent Bastard.

Let’s see what We got here.

Oh, you got right Under her desk.

Cotton, huh?

I also got pictures Of bums, sir.

I can see that.

Oh! And robin Got a brazilian.

I’m so proud of you!

Soldiers, Attention!

Now...

Who’s got a light?

Are you sure this Is going to work?

One way to find Out. Come on!

We call this "Crazy exhibit a".

At least this time,

We won’t be finding Dead rabbits Lying around.

Oh, what sights you’ve Seen, my children.

And what fine treasures You’ve brought me.

But now... Now Is the time we Look outward,

As alexander did When he sized up The persian empire.

Now is the time To conquer!

Ye-e-eah!

All right, Come on, kids,

Playtime’s over. Let’s go.

What the fuck? No, no, no, no!

We were just about To take over the I.T. Department!

If you control the media, You control the nation!

Fine, take ’em.

Be glad to get rid Of them, anyway.

Soldiers!

I, uh...

I just wanted you to Know, before you leave,

That... You served Your uncle clark

With valour And honour today.

Men, you’re dismissed.

Now, uh... Give me a hug.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, that’s enough! That’s enough. That’s enough.

Ah, ha-ha...

I’ve taught you Well, gerald. Now get out of here, Get out of here.

You’re like The artful dodger To my fagin.

Yeah! I’m fagin!

I’m fagi-I-in!

See?

Claxton’s fucking Crazy too.

Oh, I’ve known That since I found His batman costume.

And this is A picture I drew

Of their alien Home world.

The aliens who Abducted you live On a purple planet?

Well, it’s Green, actually,

But my marker Ran out, so I had To improvise.

May I present The king of crazy,

Our founder, Mr. Fagen.

You fit right in.

Oh, thank you, sir.

By the way, what Makes you crazy?

Nothing.

I’m the sane one.

I keep everyone Grounded.Ah. Their furniture? All wicker!

Well, why not?

Now, I’ve got some Lovely recipes.

It’s sam.

From the outside?

Ah, I brought you Some apple sauce.

I’m totally lucid.

If you even try to Feed me that shit,

I will tear Off your arms

And beat you With the stumps.

Not unless You’re houdini.

Just go tell the Doctors I’m sane.

Wow, this Is awesome.

Just like those Bouncy castles

The stupid carnies Won’t let me play on

Even though I Meet the height Restrictions.

Woo! No, sam!

We don’t have Time for this!

Woo-hoo!

I am so going To kill you.

One, two, three, four!