Original subtitles

Oh, did you hear About scooter’s New promotion? Don’t even talk To me about it. I’m livid.

He was hired A week after me,

And made Partner first.

Is that the guy with Poor people’s eyes?

Yup. Detroit poor.

Hmm. Do I have poor People’s eyes?

No, you have Baby jesus eyes.Aw! Yeah. What kind of Eyes do I have? Hunted eyes.

Like someone who Didn’t bury the body

Deep enough to Sleep soundly.

Well, I take Sleeping pills And vodka sodas.

Ah! And I have Shark eyes

Like a tiger shark.

Mm, no you don’t. We talked About this.

Yeah, you have Pretty lady eyes.

I know. I know. One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Okay, people, we have...

Leonard st. Cross,

The head cheese

Of chantilly films, coming in

And I need someone to Handle the file.

Oh, pick me!

Pick me, mr. Kaplan!

St. Cross is my hero.

No, I don’t need Hero-worshippers.

I’ll handle it, sir.

I am the schmooze king.

You just want to hassle St. Cross

About your stupid screenplay.

Screenplay?

What are you talking About?

"Big law",

The one you wanted me to Pass on

To my cousin at mgm?

Did you?

No.

Sir, "Big law" is edgy

Like spike lee.

Fine!

Take the chantilly file.

But if I hear one word

About you pitching St. Cross

About your stupid Screenplay

I’ll pitch youdown an elevator shaft. Yeah, he once kicked me Down a flight of stairs

For calling him "Kraplan".

J-just kidding, just kidding.

I fell.

Ugh! Never mind scooter’s Presentation skills.

I’ve heard seals enunciate Better.

Ugh! This is pure sexist Bullshit.

The old fuckheads who run This place

Will never let a woman Get ahead.

Well, maybe If you people

Stopped getting Pregnant

You’d be more Trustworthy.

Yeah, like I’m Getting pregnant.

You know how I feel About babies.

I shouldn’t have brought it up. Ugh!

Their little feet And their tiny eyes,

And their private Gap stores.

Uh! You’re not Dragging me Into this again.

Hey! I just Had an idea.I thought I Heard squeaking. I’m going to Invent a fictitious Male lawyer

And prove that a Man gets ahead in This firm faster.

Ghost lawyer. Robin, you are So predictable.

Actually, I’m somewhat of A movie buff.

I have a prop From "Howard The duck".

Mmm!

Hey, gorgeous,

You should be In movies.

Here, give me a call.

On my, uh... Car phone.

Car phone? Wow.

That’s... Smooth.

Yeah, well...

It’s one thing I know, it’s women.

And white wine.

The ponies. And shrimp.

Man, I’d love To shoot in a Place like this.

So real. It’s So amateur,so authentic. Well, it’s funny You should say that,

Because my semi- Autobiographical Script

Is about Working in this Authentic office.

Well, send It to me,

I’ll give it The once-over. Seriously?Yeah, get it Me asap. That’s hollywood Talk for "As soon As possible".

That’s also Normal person Talk for...Yeah, I can’t Hear you, it’s All white noise.

Look, you got some, Uh, law papers For me to sign?Yeah, in my office. Good. You’re going To have to read it To me though,

I dropped out of School in grade two.

Fucking hate kids.

And so, if we set The corporation In indonesia

We reduce liability

In almost every Pacific rim country.

Plus we have access To cheap snakes.

Better than Usual, howland.

Someone help You out?

Yes indeedy, sir.

One of our New hires.

Is that a fact?

Which one of those Scumbags was it?

Mcbeal...

Allen mcbeal.

He’s unbelievable.

Allen mcbeal?

I’ve never Met the kid.

Sounds like a young Man on the rise.

He is, sir. Headed straight To the top.

Well, have this Hotshot mcbeal Come find me.

I want to put a Face to the name.

Oh, he’s in a Meeting right now,

But I’ll have him Call you as soon As he gets out.

You know what? Just have him Text me.

Will do, sir.

Do I look like a 16-year-old girl?

Have him find me!

Okay...

Oh! So, allen mcbeal Backfired in Record time. Hmm!

Kaplan wants To meet mcbeal In the flesh

Today.

So hire an actor.

Who can draft Merger documents?

Yeah! Ugh!What am I Supposed to do, Dress up as a man, Glue a moustache On my face,

And put on a Gravelly voice?

And five, four, Three, two...

Wait! That’s it. There you go.

Good girl! I like it.

It’s very shakespeare, "As you like it".

As I like what?

No, it’s like "Victor/victoria". What?

"Tootsie"? "Mrs. Doubtfire"?

I’m not following. "Big momma’s house"?

Oh! Now, that was A funny movie!

Look, hey, while you’re Drag king-ing it up,

Get allen to ask For scooter’s Old office.

What for?

Well...

I want start a Gentlemen’s club In here, you know?

I’ll bring in some Red leather chairs,

Some vintage brandy.

Oh! And some musty Old professor-types

To warm their toes By the hearth.

I thought you Were already in a Gentlemen’s club?

I was. I got Kicked out

For telling The club president

That monocles Are ass.

Oh, did he look Like colonel klink? Huh?

Mr. Peanut? Who?

The penguin? Oh!

Yeah, he did, Actually.

Okay, I’ll score You the office.

But given my current War on sexism,

You’re going to Have to call it the "Gentleperson’s" club.

What? No, no, no.

We’ll call it the... The clubhouse.

If we call it a Gentleperson’s club,

Next thing you know, We’ll be sipping tea

With wood nymphs In narnia.

Oh! Speaking Of wood nymphs.

Everybody knows The last wood nymph Died 75 years ago.

What are you, Secret service?

No! I’ve gone Hollywood, babies. Ah!

That’s right, I’m penning a major Motion picture.

St. Cross already Optioned it.

Huh. See you On set, coppola.

Hey, sam, did You get to meet Leonard st. Cross yet?

Meet him? I’m writing A movie for him.

O-m-g!

That’s unbelievable. Kudos, dude!

Thanks, man. Thanks.

It’s called - "Big law". - hmm, "Big law".

Is it gay, Straight, or gonzo? What?Dude, don’t You know? Chantilly films Is a porn company. What?

Leonard’s a porn star Slash producer Slash mop-up man.

But... No!

No! It can’t Be a porn!

Seeing "Big law" Brought to life On the big screen

Has been my Life’s dream!

I thought your Life’s dream was to Swim in chocolate.

No, no, no. Now my big dream Is "Big law".

Well, your dreams are Coming true, buddy.

There’s just going To be a lot more dicks In it than you thought.

Mr. Kaplan?

Oh! You must Be mcbeal!

Just the man I was looking for.

Ooh, nice Firm handshake.

Uh, can I fix You a drink?

Fuck yeah. Pour me a scotch.

But hold the girly ice.

Mmm!

Hey, what do You think of A mounted gazelle

For the clubhouse?

Don’t be a pussy. Go for a predator.

Hello!

Funny...

It’s the first time You’ve given me A hard-on.

Maybe it’s The magazine.

God! How do you guys Stand these things?

Well, for starters, We don’t use glue.

Funny.I can’t believe Kaplan bought it. Yeah? Well, did you Score me scooter’s Office or what?

Yeah, but on Two conditions.

You keep your Mouth shut about My deception.

Prop up allen’s Existence publicly.

Done! Yeah!

Ah! There you Are, mcbeal.

Yeah, where the... Hell else would I be?

Clark and I were Just swapping storiesabout banging chicks And not caring If they’re Emotionally damaged.

Yeah! Eh!

Yes!

Yes! Sh-he’s a real Lady killer, sir,

And a hell Of a golfer.

Look out For her... Him.

Good to know.

Look, howland’s Pooching the Osterberg file

And you’re Batting clean-up.

Let’s continue this In the shitter.

Eh... Oh...

And... Erection gone.

Mr. St. Cross,

We need to talk.

We do need To talk, sammy.

That script Is fabulous!

It is? I mean, I know it is.

It just needs a Little more action.

You know what I’m saying? Like, uh...

More pee-pee To va-jay-jay.Uh, pee-pee To bum-bum. Bum-bum To bum-bum. We do that now.

Yeah, you see, I don’t think That, uh...

I think you’ve captured The gritty reality Of the law world,

The raw vibe, The energy.

But I’m worried It’ll get lost in The translation,

So I think I need You to direct it.

You want me to Direct a porno?

Not porn Your porno.

I want you to Shoot it right Here in the firm.

Oh!

Yeah! Yeah, That’ll be easy.

I can’t see why the Managing partners Would object

To hardcore pornography Being shot in the office.

In case they Don’t go for it,

Offer them A walk-on.

If that doesn’t Work... A blow job?

There’s like, Nine of them.

Hmm. I know Just the girl.

The following chart Summarizes the law

As it pertains to This transaction.

Uh, allen, what About jakarta?

I’m only going To say this One time, seth.

Jakarta is So fucking over

It makes me want To kick a dog.

I just wanted to Get it straight.

Everyone? Forget jakarta.

Now let me Take us home.

Everybody turn To page 72.

I bet he knows How to change leads In mid-gallop.

Xanadu!

Mmm-hmm. Welcome To my clubhouse,

Or as I like To call it,

The pleasure dome.

Did you say Clubhouse or Bathhouse?

Oh, it’s a bit Of both, really.

This is where robin Gets into drag.

Oh, did I mention She’s pretending To be a man now?

Huh? Yeah.

Which one’s robin?

The pretty one.

Huh! Hey...

Ho-ho-ho!

Mmm-hmm! Well...

What else Have I missed

Since I’ve been Writing porn?

Writing porno? What else Have I missed

While I’ve Been building The clubhouse?

They’re turning "Big law" into Pornography.

It’s great! Yeah!

It’s a good start To a film career.

Just like stallone Or ginger spice

Or jessica tandy.

This is crazy!

I’m doing the work Of two peoplefor one paycheque. Well, as a woman, You’d think you’d be Used to that by now. Yeah.

I mean, all the Costume changes,

Getting high off The moustache glue...

I’m beginning To lose track

If I’m a man Or a woman.

Clark & sam: Just like him. Jinx.

Whoa!

Mcbeal’s got Some swank digs.

Mr. Kaplan, I wanted To talk to you About something.

This madman, St. Cross,

He wants to make A pornographic movie

In the office.

Do anything that Bastard wants.

I mean anything. He’s rich as A pharaoh.

But people are Going to be having Sex in the firm.

Wouldn’t be The first time.

On camera.Wouldn’t be The first time. In the... Wouldn’t be The first time.

Well, he wants Me to direct it

And I don’t know Anything about Making porn.

Uh! Stipple’s Your man.

He knows stag movies Like the palm Of his hand.

Just, uh...

Call me when The gazunga Ladies arrive.

Oh, sir!

I don’t want to be A smut peddler!

Wah, wah.

Find a pseudonym, Pope benedict.

Ooh! I know!

How about pope Bend-a-dick.

Howland!

What are you doing Lollygagging here?

Come on, Get to work! Let’s go!

Yeah! Get Out of here!

No women allowed!

Yeah, clark! Sam!

Jinx! Jinx!

Jinx on the jinx!

I’m disappointed In you, howland.

The osterberg File’s gone to shit

And I can never Find you when I need you!

I’m sorry, sir. I’ll try to Do better.

Forget it! I’m giving the File to mcbeal.

Huh!

I brought you some Hot soup, allen.

Thanks, millie.

If you don’t mind,

This guy’s balls- Deep in work.

You’re different From the men here.

So masculine.

Like a Mountain man.

Hey...

If you ever want To put your hand On my posterior,

I just want you To know you have My full consent.

Uh...

There you are, mcbeal.

Excuse us, millie,

I need to talk to Allen, man to man.

Allen, sir, if You find yourself

In the copy room at 3:15,

The offer I just made Would be readily available.

Yeah. Watch it, allen,

That one might have A crush on you.

Can’t blame her.

Yeah, not my type.

Cans are Too small.

Plus she hangs Around with horses.

The comparison’s Too intimidating.

Good to know.

There’s a rule Around here.

No schtupping Another man’s Assistant!

We take That seriously.

As I said, sir, Not my type.

Look, I need to Put you on the Osterberg file.

Howland’s Screwing it up!

Well, you...

You know, Sir, um...

A lot of people I’ve talked to

Consider howland To be the cornerstone Of the entire office.

Noble of you to Cover for her,

But that’s a Crock of shit And you know it.

I would trade Ten howlands...

For one mcbeal.

Yeah, you want mcbeal? You got mcbeal.

So what are we Talking about, here?

Gonzo, gang bang,

Bukkake parties, Throat pokers,

Runaway tricks, Say hi to daddy...

Okay, no, no, No, no, no!None of that Stuff! Okay? It’s just going To be, like, mainstream Glossy shit.

Okay, so we’re Going to need

A hearty helping Of boy on girl,

Some girl on girl,

And one dutch Door scene.

Oh! I’m just kidding, Just kidding.

Two dutch door Scenes. Yeah.

Sammy, those Revisions ready yet?Yeah, I’m just... I’m working on Some sex scenarios

With mr. Stipple.

Mr. St. Cross, It is an honour.

I love your work.

Hey, you want an Autographed dildo?

Oh! Do I?

I’ll have them Send one over.

Accurate right down To my veins. Thanks!

You know, I actually Always wanted To be in a porn.

Really? You Got a big knob?

Well, my mom Tells me it’s big,

But what Mom wouldn’t?

All right, partner. Whip it out.

Let’s see if your mom’s Just being polite.

Oh... Do we Really need To do this?

Yeah, really. I mean...

With this Guy here?

Hey, there’s going To be 50 guys

Staring at your wang All day on set.

Let’s go. Okay.

Oh my... Jesus!

Not bad.

Good heft,

Nice curve,

My compliments To your mohel.

Thank you.

Negatives, uh...

The bikini line Of a deadhead.

What do you Think, sammy?

Uh, it’s nice. It’s a good penis.

But wait, I’ve Got wicked control. Look at this.

And being A real lawyer

You’d add authenticity To "Big law".

Yeah.

Sammy...

We have our New leading man.

M... Murray?

Oh! Oh, sir!

Oh, sir!

Thank you!

Thank you So much!

Welcome aboard.

Thank you! Thank you!

Heading to The trash?Great idea! Toss away The old work, Start fresh.

Most of it wasn’t Any good, anyway.

No. I’m leaving, Mr. Kaplan.

No reason to Stick around when I Wasn’t appreciated.

I quit.

Good for you.

Acknowledging The problem is The first step.

Give my regards To mcbeal...

And see you In hell.

Good luck at The doughnut shop.

Ah-h.

So, why are You still here?

Robin quit, Not allen.

I hope allen’s On the payroll.

Oh, shit.

And where is allen Going to do his work?

Yeah, I was Getting to that.

Uh, clubhouse Has got to go.What? Yeah. Kaplan thinks this Is allen’s office.

Well, fuck, I Just hired hadji.

You know he has issues With depression.

Goddammit.

Maybe I’ll use Robin’s office

Now that the Bitch is gone.

Ha-ha. Yeah, Whatever.

Eee...

I’ve got to Take a piss.

Out of my dink.

Sir, I have Something very Importanti need to talk To you about. Well, make it quick, I’m about to lose My clubhouse

And I’m looking For revenge.

I’m in love with Allen mcbeal, sir.

Hello!

So, you’re saying

That you, a woman,

Are in love with That man, allen?

He’s a Stallion, sir. Yeah.

I spent the Whole day

Writing "Millie mcbeal" All over my desk.

And he was just In here talking About you.

Now, look,

I think allen’s The kind of guy

That you just got To grab and kiss.

You understand?

Grab and kiss.

Got it, sir.

Now, get out of here, You crazy lovebird.

I think it’s Time to...

Bang the Judge’s gavel.

Ok... Okay.

Hah! Cut!

Sorry.

Sam? Yeah?

I’ve got a Problem here. Okay.

I can’t Seem to...

Get it... Get it going. What?

Every time you pass The women’s washroom You pitch a tent.

No, it’s not Like that, okay?

You know how Method I am, right?

So I stayed up All last night Whacking off

And I don’t think I can splooge anymore.

Uh... Uh, sam, What the hell’s Going on here?

We’re not shooting "Lawrence of arabia".

Let’s get Going, okay?And you... I thought You said you didn’t Need a fluffer.

I thought you Said muffler.

This is getting Ridiculous.

Hey, sam,you’re the Director, okay? This is your Problem, all right? Solve it.

Cradle his balls, Cup his nuts,

Stick a finger In his starfish. Get him going!

Okay, you know what,

You slimy little Failure of a man?

I can’t believe I Let it get this far.

I am a genius

Just waiting To come out!

You can turn My masterpiece Into porn,

You can even Cast murray as My alter ego,

But you cannot, And I repeat,

You cannot Make me fluff him!

I am out of here. Roll the credits.

Wow.

Let me say that Again, okay?

Wow.

You’re right, sam!

This is Your movie!

You need to make Your masterpiece Your way.

I do?

You do.

I don’t care If there’s no Sex in it.

We’ll sell it To finland.

They don’t speak English anyway.

Do you really Mean that?I do. Well, you sit down And you watch The magic happen.

All right, murray, New motivation.

The dirty Union busters

Are about to stick it To the little guy.

This is about integrity, This is about love.

Big law!

Oh, you’re getting Me hard here, buddy.

Let’s shoot This movie.

Thanks, babe.

Allen! I want You, I need you!

No, you don’t. You really don’t.

Oh, I do, I do, I do.

Mcbeal!

I warned you about Screwing around With the assistants!

It’s my fault, Sir. I...

Don’t try To defend The man, mildred.

I know the type.

A giant tease.

Allen, You’re fired.

Get out Of here! Go!

All right! Everybody, Thanks for being here.

Boring! Show the movie!

Okay. So, without Further ado,

I bring you "Big law: The bay street files".

They think I’m finished.

But I’m not!

I’ll take down those Dirty union busters!

But you’re Just one man.

I don’t care if I have to stand up

To an army of Corporate lawyers.

I’ll take Them down,

One by one.

You’re a hero.

Not yet, Ms. Howland.

Not yet.

I’ll just take Off my jacket

And we’ll get to work.

Time for mr. Smith

To come To washington.

I can’t wait to Mount rushmore.

Looks like you’re ready For some serious...

Dick-tation.

Yeah! Now That’s a movie.

I didn’t shoot any Of that stuff!

I thought I’d Sex it up.

So I shot some Extra stuff.

I think it’s Pretty hot.

"Big load:

Adventures in The orifice".

Oh, oh, oh! I totally blow My knee here

Giving her A bolivian Smother monkey. Oh!

I second That motion.

Yeah?

Hey, mr. Kaplan.

Uh... I really Think you should Hear me out.

Mcbeal!

I don’t think you Should fire me.

Make the ladies Think we give a fuck.

Are you Kidding me?

I sold it Pretty good, huh?

Just lay low For a few days,it’ll all Blow over, Then the bears Can get back to Their honey pots.

I have something To show you.

Take those fucking things Off your eyes!

Ah!

Oh!

That must sting.

I’m robin howland, sir.

There is no Allen mcbeal.

So you and millie Are lesbians?

What? No!

No! I concocted allen

To prove that you old Partners are sexist.

Millie falling For, um... Me

Was not part Of the plan.

So you endured Double work-load,

Tiny moustache, Taping down Your breasts,

Just to make A point?

Well, it sounds stupid When you put it like that.

That’s not stupid, That’s impressive!

Mm. Howland, you’re Re-hired.

Really?

Uh, just explain To me again

This lesbian thing With you and millie.

Uh... Slower This time.

Okey-dokey.

So much for Your dream of A movie career.

I have no Dreams now.Quit whining! This is the last day In the clubhouse, all right?

Let’s try To enjoy it.

For tomorrow, Life is once again

A piece of shit.

I’m going to Miss being a man.

Constantly bragging About my fictional penis,

Taping down My breasts.

Huh! I was you, sam.

Burn!

Hey, being a man’s Made you funnier too.

Okay, so what don’t You get about this?

It’s two squirrels in bed And they’re fighting.

And he’s says "Oh, but you’ll Put those nuts In your mouth."

I just don’t Get it.

See, that’s why You don’t get any Speaking parts.

Bro, back me Up here. Is That funny?

Comedy gold.

You’ve got a Pretty good look, A whole...

Jude law thing Going on there.

How’d you like To do her while I videotape it?

Uh... I don’t Have a penis.

We’re going to Make some serious Money in thailand.

One, two, three, four!