Original subtitles

I don’t know What to do.

Can we please Change the subject?

You see, ’cause The xbox is cheaperand it’s got A lot more games. But the playstation Is faster and I can Use all my old games.

You have no idea How painful it is

To listen to this Day after day.

This is a big Decision, clark.

This is like "Sophie’s choice".

I just touched Your penis, didn’t I?

Yes, sam.

Yes, you did.

Want to continue Talking about

What gaming system... Yeah, let’s do That. Yeah. Yeah. One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

So I was out with some Friends this weekend

And one of them has A new girlfriend. Total bitch.

Sam & clark: Of course she is. What does That mean?

You’re a woman-hater. You hate women.

I’ve never heard you Say one nice thing About another woman.

I said courtney Has a nice rack.True... You don’t have a Single female friend.

I have tonnes.

My gynaecologist, My bank teller,

My mom. Uh...

I see sir roderick Is violating his Restraining order.

Oh, god.

Why won’t he Leave me alone?

Geez, this is Like his third Cycle of stalking.

Last night I saw him Outside my apartment On a girl’s bike

Watching me through Opera glasses.

Ah! I hope you Remembered the sweetener This time, millie.

Oh!

Guys, didn’t You notice

That millie’s A mess out there? Yeah.

Oh, I thought she Was laughing at A dilbert cartoon.

No, her horse died. Barn fire.

All that was left Were the hooves.

Anyway, look, I’ve got a serious

Personal crisis Going on right now. Really?

Lay it... Lay it on us.All right. For the past week Someone has been Stealing my sandwich From the fridge.

Oh, come on. What did you expect?

It’s a $29 peanut butter And jelly sandwich.

$29? Who do you Think you are,

The sultan Of brunei? Okay, look,

The peanuts are soaked in The caspian sea for a year.

The bread is baked In solid gold ovens

In the mountains Of spain and flown Overnight to the deli.

And the jam?

The jam’s made from Strawberries grown In outer space.What the fuck Do you care? Just know that I’m going to cut The hands off

The bastard who Keeps taking it.

Space jam.

You see, vic, Every once In a while

It’s important To make a mark Where you work.Makes you Stand out. Tells everybody You’re different From the rest.

I would have given Him a handlebar.

Really? Who did this?

Oh, my god!

Sir, I have no idea.

Did you see Anybody, vic?

Uh... I cannot Tell a lie, sir.

It was me.

The kid’s Got balls.

This is the kind Of thing you Would have done

In your Glory days, stan.

I had glory days?

You’ve forgotten Where you came from?

Way back when You would have drawn On a moustache,

Maybe some funny Freckles and then If you got caught

You would have said, "What, me worry?"

Wow! I sound Like an idiot.

I think you need a Lesson in humility, stan.

Switch offices With victor here.

That’s it!

Run along.

But...

Oh... I think it’s That way.

Goddamn.

I look like "Magnum p.I."

Did you know That vic Has rat shit

In the corner Of his office?

At least I think It’s rat shit.

It’s kind of Big, though.

Maybe it’s Raccoon.

What are you doing? Starting a porn site?

Nah. Kitchen cam.

I had zoltan Rig it up for me To catch the ass-wipe

Who’s been Stealing my p.B.&j.

Nice. Yeah.

Very clever.

Hey, there’s The old guy.

How long do you Nuke a blintz?

Eat me.

Look at him Using technology.

Sam & clark: Oh! Oh!

Hit the deck!

He’s getting better. Shit.

Yeah.

Oh, look. Robin.

Hey, robin.

Oh-h! Ah-h!

That’s... I can’t Believe that.

Yeah. That’s... I can’t stop Looking at that.

Ah!

Wow!

Oh, it’s millie.

Can I get you A tissue, robin?

Millie, you Shouldn’t sneak Up on people

While they’re Yawning and going To the fridge.

I’m sorry.

I have a lot Of tissues.

I need them Right now.

Oh, right. Yeah, I heard About your horse.

Lightning.

This is all I have To remember him by.

And a lifetime Of happy memories.

Thank you.

Oh...

What the fuck Was that?

She’s just trying To prove you wrong

On the whole Woman-hating thing.

Ah. Yeah.

What? Ah.

The lunch stealer!

Come on. Let’s go.

Drop the sandwich, scumbag!

It’s gone!

Vic’s desk has No drawers.

So it’s a table. Yeah.

Holy she-at.

Look who stole My sandwich.

I’d recognize That pear-shaped Silhouette anywhere.

Zoltan. Yes.

That guy.

Hah! I don’t know Why roderick’s so Obsessed with me.

Because You’re pretty.

You’ve got The most beautiful Mane... Of hair.

You think so? Absolutely.

You’re the loveliest Filly at this firm.

That is so Nice, millie.

You know, I’m starting to like This girl stuff.

Have a treat. Oh!

Thank you.

What, are you Having a seizure?

Hey, sam.

They didn’t give you A massage chair, Did they?

Oh, not yet. It’s coming This afternoon.

I’m just Practicing. Boys!

I’ve been Thinking over this Office situation.

Well, good, ’cause This is ridiculous.

I know.

This room needs Sprucing up.

A can of paint, New furniture,

Some bowling trophies.

What about A fish tank With a shark?Hey! You keep thinking Like that, you’ll Make partner.

Uh, nice Moustache, sir.

Hah!

There you go, kid.

Thank you So much, sir.

Mmm.

It looks good On you, vic.

Vic & fagen:

Hey. W-wait, hey, Mr. Clark!

I was, uh, just, uh, Installing a camera, Uh, behind the pickles.

We get this bastard! Hmm. Looking For this?

You installed The camera yourself. Are you retarded?

But I turned Off the light.

You forgot The fridge light.

Oh! A fridge light!

It is always Something.

Please, mr. Clark, I can explain.No. No. No need. If you need me, I’ll be off getting Your ass fired.

No! No! Wait! Wait! Look, I...

I was hungry One day so I went To the fridge

And I get the first White man sandwich I could find.

After one bite, I am hooked.

I have brought Great shame To my belly.Pooey! Please, mr. Clark, I will do anything.

I will do anything!

By anything, I mean, uh...

Hand job?

Oh look, Stop crying.

Your people aren’t Allowed to cry.How do you Know that? I was bored one day So I googled your Ass-wipe country.

Your national bird Is the bunting.

Wrist watches And zippers Are illegal

And only women And goats are Allowed to cry.

Can’t help it if We have sad goats.

Look, just go Clean out your Locker, okay?

You’ve done stolen Your last "Sangwich".

No. Please. Mr. Clark, please!

Please, I do... Oh, god, stop it!

Stop it!

Okay, look, Here’s what we’re Going to do.Gather around, Everybody. We’re going to Have some lunchtime Entertainment.

Millie! Stop Where you are.

And open Your mouth.

Nice.

All right, You see this candy?

If you can get this In millie’s mouth

From here, you can Keep your job.

If not, You’re fired.

Okay, but if I hit the shot

You will teach me Everything you know About white man food.

What are you, nuts? I’m not serving A janitor foie gras.

No, but... Keep your Mouth open.I do not mean Fancy food. I want white bread Food like you Bring to work.

Like breakfast In a pocket.

All right. Sure. Whatever.

It’s a deal. Take the shot.

If you had actually googled My "Ass-wipe" country

You would know that our National sport is basketball

And half-pipe.

Fuck.

I could have had A hand job.

Robin! Need Your help.

The plunger’s in Clark’s office.

Give it a good rinse This time, huh.

Oh, no, no, No, no. Uh, um...

For some reason Fagen turned on me

And I need to know How to get back In his good books.

Hmm. Have you Tried bribing him With marzipan?

Funny, no.

Oh, well, he Loves marzipan.

Really? Mm-hmm.

I don’t think He saw you.

Ooh, well, you Could get kaplan to Apologize to fagen.

For what? Don’t you know Firm lore?

Hmm? 25 years ago, They got into it At the x-mas party,

One thing led To another

And then kaplan Judo-chopped fagen

Across the back Of the neck. Kaplan knows judo?

Well, apparently It was more of A bitch-slap,

But they both Insist it was judo.

Things between Them haven’t been The same since.

Wow. Well, they Seem perfectly fine When they’re together.Oh! Well, they Made up in ’86. But then last week Kaplan jostled fagen In the elevator

And the whole thing Started up again.

Hmm.

I got us Twin lattes.

Thank you, robin.

You have something On the bottom Of your shoe.

Oh!

I have to say, It’s really nice

Having a girlfriend In the office.

Let’s talk about Girl stuff.

So, periods.

What a pain In the ass, huh?

What’s in this Latte, robin?

Oh, friendship... A light sprinkling of Getting-to-know-each-other

And pomegranate.

I’m excessively allergic To pomegranate.

I get a rash And my hands and Feet swell up.

Oh!

Oh, that’s going To put a crimp in Our bowling plans.

Mr. Clark,

When are you to Teach me about White man food?

We... It is Our bet.Oh, for fuck’s Sake, zoltan. Just go down To your uncle’s Convenience store

And pillage The aisles.But we have An agreement. Uh, I want to learn Of your country as You have of mine.

All right. Fine.

Let’s see what We got here.

Yes!

All right, now I will unravel The mystery

Of some of my country’s Favourite foods.

Open your mouth.

What is it?

Spray cheese. Oh.

This is not cheese.

It is... It is magic.

Here, wash it Down with some Orange drink.

Orange juice? No. No. No. Orange drink.

It’s light-years away From orange juice.

But it bursts forth In my mouth

Like a grove Of orange trees.

Here. Try this.

It tastes like laughing! Yeah.

It’s amazing what they Can do with bone marrow.

Zoltan, this Is white man Food, okay?

You happy? Great.

Take a twinkie and Go fuck yourself.

I will!

Why should I Apologize to fagen?

I was defending Myself.

Well, what exactly Happened, sir?

X-mas ’82, fagen Has a few too many Gin gimlets

Then he starts in on me About calling it x-mas.

Says it’s, uh, Disrespectful to jesus.

I tell him that If I don’t want to Say buddy’s name

Every time there’s A goddamn holiday

Then that’s My prerogative. Aren’t you Both jewish?

What, are you keeping A list, schindler?

Anyway, one thing Led to another

And I put him In his place.

That’s how I do.

Oh, mr. Clark, uh...

After your Culinary kindness

I wanted to do Something nice For you.

So I slaved For eight hours

To make this Verflaven pukran.

Ah! And you thought You’d just come right in Here and give it to me?

Ah! Turning out To be quite the day. Mmm!

Yes. You know, there’s No need for you To feed me, zoltan.

I was just fulfilling my Part of our unholy pact.

Nonsense. Uh, This is good stuff.

The food of my people. Yeah... You know what?

I don’t have A spoon so...

Uh, never mind. Oh!

Clean it up.

Shine and buff.

And there we go.All right. If I eat this, will You leave me alone?

Huh! Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

♪ the horse goes Into the buggy ♪

Mmm...

You can really Taste the, uh...

Cartilage? No.

Uh, the verflaven.

Yeah.

Yeah. Excuse me A second.

Thirsty? Zoltan made me...

Eat a whole... Pot of pukran.

What’s that?

I don’t know. In his language,

I think it means "Shit" or "Shitty" Or "Shit-like".

Now I understand Why his country’s Always at war.

This stuff makes you Want to blow shit up.

Ingrate.

I blow you hard!

How’s the mouthwash Helping, sir?

It isn’t.

I’m in my third phase Of aftertaste

And each one’s Exponentially worse.

I think you mean "Linearly", sir,

But I catch Your drift.

You know, I’m noticing

Something different About you today, millie.

Haircut?

Very funny, sir.

Robin bought me A pomegranate latte

And I had an Allergic reaction.

Causing you to fall down the Stairs and break your neck? No.

Last night she insisted on Helping me find a new horse.

She sneezed and I was Bucked by an appaloosa.Ah! Sir, I was wondering If you could help me With a problem.

Oh! You know how I Feel about helping.

I’m afraid robin’s Going to kill me.

Today coming Back from lunch

She linked arms with me And dragged me into traffic.

I was almost Hit by a bus.Shit! I don’t have time To break in A new workhorse.

I’m on it, millie.

Trot off back To your stable. Thank you, sir.

Roderick.

Okay.

Here we go.

So it’s true.

Yeah. Time To apologize.

It’s been 54 years.

Oh, 25.

Don’t start With me, old man.

You came here to Do the right thing.

Now man up And do it.

Okay, now before We start manning up,

Let me tell you Guys how impressed I am of you.

Two older, Attractive men

Putting aside Their differences...

Why are you Telling me to man up?

You’re the one who’s Going to apologize. Me?

You came here To grovel.

For christ’s sake. Don’t you mean "For x sake"?

Time to settle this Once and for all.

Any time. Anywhere.

Here! Now!

Well, that’s close. And soon.

Sirs, I know I keep saying this,

But are you guys sure You want to do this?

I mean, you guys Are, like, old

And the defibrillator’s Way down the hall.

Get on with it, Caponelli!

All right.

I want a clean Fight, boys.

No hair pulling, No thigh pinching,

No doing that,

And no hitting Below the belt.

He hasn’t used Anything down there

In the past 20 years. At least Mine works.

Putz!

You rang, master?

Oh hey, Rod... Erick.

Look, I been Thinking a lot

About your Woman troubles

And I feel Really bad.

So I-I think I’ve Come up with an idea

For you to get Robin’s attention.

Do continue. Well, you have to tempt Her green-eyed monster.

Jealousy, Nimrod.

Okay look, go To millie, okay?

Talk to her, Flirt, stalk her, Whatever you do.

If robin sees this, She’ll go bananas.

Robin will be Jealous I’m no Longer stalking her?

Is that rational?

Of course not.

Women, huh?

Yeah.

Hello, mildred.

It’s millie.

I like your tan.

I brought you this.

I know you’re an Equine enthusiast.

It is the Night mare.

The undead horse lord Of nightmares.

Notice the attention To detail.

The exposed ribs, The milky eyes,

The decaying member.

It’s sweet.

Disturbing But sweet. Hmm.

Reminds me of My lightning,

Minus the Exposed ribs.

Oh, there, There, millie.

Hankie.

That bitch! Yeah!

She, like, totally Stole your stalker

Who you Don’t like.

Well, it’s my right Not to like him

And to complain About it. You have a point.

I’m going to give her A piece of my mind.

Hey, can you tell her To get me some butter For my popcorn?

Hey!

Can you do That later?

Sorry. Cannot Hear you!

Can you do That later?

Hey...

What...

Hey!

Get back here!

Wait!

What the hell’s Your problem?

I saw you on The video camera.

I gave your Food nothing but Genuine love.

And you gave mine Pure hatred!

Yeah. Well, That shit tastes Like drywall.

It is an Acquired taste.

Why the lies?

Well, what do You expect?

I’m a white anglo-saxon Protestant, zoltan,

And that’s what W.A.S.P.S do.I don’t have A choice. Look, everything I love is processed And artificial.

Three times a year, I pray to a god I don’t believe in

And I plan to marry Someone I don’t love

And raise kids I Can’t stand. Got it?

Poor lawyer warrior.

Your heart has a hole That cannot be filled.I know. Hey, maybe I can Spackle it up with Some of your pukran.

Sirs, we’ve been Here for like, What, an hour?

And you guys Have basically Not even moved.

I got him right Where I want him.

That’s what You think.

All right. I’ve had enough.

This 25-year feud you Guys have had over some Stupid bitch-slap...

I mean, It’s ridiculous.

It’s time to act like Responsible adults

And lead This law firm.

The kid’s right.

You’re a real Warrior, seth.

And you’ve got The stamina of A greek god.

And the calves too.

Why don’t we Just shake hands

And call it even And let bygones Be bygones.

Hey, let’s go For a schvitz.

Ah! Pick up a Couple of blintzes.

Good work, stan.

You’re back To old form.

Millie! We Need to talk.

Please, no more Girl talk, robin.

Is that your gift From roderick?

Perhaps.You knew he Was my stalker And you deliberately Stole him out from Under my nose.

Just like High school.

I was Homeschooled.

I’ve had it With you.

This is the Exact reason

I stopped reading "Cathy" comics.

You and I are done.

What?

You think This is funny?

Listen, bitch, if You even look at Me the wrong way,

I will dig up Your mule

And send its Rotting corpse To the glue factory.

Okay?

Hey, millie.

Mr. Claxton, Sir, thank you.

I really Appreciate it. Yeah,

You... Let’s not flog A dead horse.

Can you take care Of this for me?

Zoltan’s boycotting My office.

Giddy up and Get back to work.

You look Beautiful today.

Yes, sir.

Yes. Mmm.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Yes. Mm-hmm.

What the hell Are you doing?

Uh, I’m just Practicing My "Mm-hms".

Never know When you’re going To need them.

Who, in god’s name, Is that?

Out, vic. The jig is up.

Sir, I thought That you needed to Teach sam a lesson.

Lesson learned.

Now, hit The bricks, kid.

You heard him. Am-scray.

Agh!

Okay...

I’ll just go back To my office now.

Mm-hmm.

Now everything Is normal.

Yeah.

Ew. What?

You have a Little pukran on Your moustache.This stuff is Really good. Mmm. Says the man Who eats stale chips From out of his couch.

No. I got my Office back,

Now I can eat Stale chips from Under my desk.

Wow. Way to go, Juan valdez.

So, robin, Hanging with the Boys again, uh?I hate women. I’m a misogynist And I’m not afraid To say it anymore.

Good for you. Yup.

Keep the hate alive.

Oh, you know What they say?

"Bros before hos."

Yeah.

You don’t find That offensive?

No. I fucking Hate women.

I’ve been to dozens Of horse funerals.

My grandfather was In the cavalry during The korean war.

Lightning was A peaceful horse.

And you decided To cremate him.

They got a whole Hanoverian in That little urn?

Yes, vic. Yup. Oh, I see.

Such a big horse, Urn like that,

You probably think, Like, what, A shetland pony

Or one of those Little seeing-eye Horses. Vic.

Sorry.

I mean, I’ve lifted it.

It’s not even That heavy.

I mean, those ashes, They could be anything,

Like a goat, A seahorse, A pack of marlboros.

Sorry.

Such a tiny Little urn.

One, two, three, four!

Closed captioned by Stancon video

♪ way-oh way-oh-oh

Huh!

♪ way-oh way-oh

♪ way-oh-way