Original subtitles

Okay, Hayley.

You understand what we're doing, right?

Not at all. I'm super-confused.

Me too. Could you sum it up, Mother?

Your Aunt Gwen and I haven't spoken

since she got out of jail.

[ Muffled ] For a crime you committed.

It was just arson, Steve.

Focus on your banana.

And I'm pretending this candle is a cup of coffee...

why?

Because your space work is garbage.

And your grandfather convinced Gwen

to finally meet me for coffee.

Because you really want to patch things up with her.

Very good, Steve.

You may help yourself to another banana.

Later.

You sure this is a good idea, Mom?

Getting back together again after so many years...

could be a disaster.

Y-Yeah,

and that's why I need you to role-play as Gwen.

Got it.

Heeeey, Gwen.

So nice to see you -

You rotten son of a gun!

I'll kill you for what you done to me!

Hayley, come on.

Nobody in our family sounds like that.

We're out of nanners, Francine.

You rotten son of a gun!

I'll kill you for what you done to me!

Enough! Let's keep going, Hayley.

I don't want to be caught off-guard by anything.

P-P-P-P-Pregnant?!

Um...

you rotten son of a gun!

I'll kill you -

?

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

? I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good - ? ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

Aah!

? Good morning, U.S.A. ?

?

Dang, it's hot out there!

I saw a desert tortoise drinking a Powerade

outside a gas station. [ Gunshots ]

Could've been a human with a big backpack.

[ Gunshots ]

Oh, yeah! Check it out!

Stay on target.

Very sigma, Smith!

Your marksmanship skills are top-notch.

Perhaps I'll have you decide which weapon the CIA uses

as their go-to firearm for the next 10 years.

Are you serious, sir?!

Colt, Remington, Beretta...

I'm a gun nut! I'm also a nut nut.

"Brazzlenuts," "plecahns" -

or "pleecans,"

if you say it that way.

I know 'em all!

Terrific.

Of course, there is another up for the position.

[ Gunshots ]

This is the zombie The Cranberries sang about.

Sheesh! It's warmer outside than my grandma.

Such a loving woman.

Always ready to share a Werther's right from her mouth.

Gross.

But we can all agree it's sweltering.

I made a huge mistake filling in my swimming pool

and turning it into a pickleball court.

I hate that game!

Um, sir...

why don't you come over this weekend and use my pool?

-Me too? -Can we all come?

Pleeease!

A pool party?

Or as they say in England, a bath splash!

Whaddya say, Smith?

[ British accent ] Chip-chip-cheerio, guvna!

I don't speak Spanish.

Is that a yes or a no?

[ School bell rings ]

[ Young women whispering indistinctly ]

Sorry to interrupt,

but I've been sitting next to you all year

and I've fallen headfirst in love with you.

Which one of us?

-I'm not picky. -Get lost.

Dude, you're not gonna believe this!

Your ex-girlfriend Debbie broke up with the math teacher!

Poor Mr. Kronauer!

Right after his back surgery. He must be devastated.

Steve, you're missing the point!

Debbie is avail.

Do you really think I have a shot?

Well, the reason she broke up with Mr. K

was because he didn't have a pool.

I have a pool!

That's what I've been saying the whole time!

?

And she was pregnant!

But I handled it pretty cooool.

Really? No!

When she agreed to meet,

I thought we would patch things up.

Plus, with the pregnancy,

I was hoping we'd have a fresh start.

You know how having a baby always saves the relationship.

-Yeah, sure. -Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. Famously true.

But I panicked

and now she probably never wants to talk to me again.

Enough! You're probably wondering

why I gathered you all here.

I didn't even know you were home.

Well, wonder no more.

I've decided to have a pool party!

Aw, hell yeah!

Oh, hell no.

I'm not in the mood for a party.

I'm exhausted. [ Ringtone plays ]

It's Gwen!

What should I do? Should I play it cool?

I should probably play it cool.

New number. Who dis?

JK. I know who this is.

My seeesturrr!

[ Thud ]

Damn, she's nailing it.

I took out the trash without being asked.

Nice work, babe, but you left an hour ago.

Did you get lost again?

No. I met a rat out there.

I put it on my head to see if it was Ratatouille,

but all it did was make me steal a car.

Guys, I need this pool party.

-Me too! -Me three!

Uncle Roger just had rectum reconstruction -

fully elective surgery, not medically necessary.

Just for aesthetics.

And he can't wait to share his new colon and anus

with the hole world.

That's "hole," H-O-L-E.

That's what us Internet sphincter heads call

our disgusting online community.

But how are you all gonna convince Mom

to have a pool party?

We're having a pool party!

Gwen's eight months pregnant

and super-uncomfortable in the heat.

All she wants is to sit in a pool.

Our family pube-shaving razor is about to get a workout,

'cause the Smiths are having a pool party!

? I-I-I-I-I've been runnin' through this strange life ?

? 'Chasin' all them green lights ?

? Throwin' out the shade for a little bit of sunshine ?

? Hit me with them good vibes ?

? Pictures on my phone like ? [ Ting! ]

This is gonna be a perfect day.

Franny, I can't find my Uncle Roger mustache!

I need it to be Uncle Roger.

So be someone else. What?!

Uncle Roger has a new rectum

and it's the same color as his mustache.

Shower curtain matches the drain.

You gotta help me find that 'stache!

No. Klaus, you're up.

What? No!

I have a million limes to cut!

We've got the balloons, taco guy going, drinks on ice,

dead rat in the pool, fruit salad's -

Rat in the pool?!

Staaaaaan!

There's a dead rat in the pool!

-Eeeew! -Eeeew!

We have to...cancel...

the party!

-Noooo! -Noooo!

That pool's infected!

It's dangerous!

[ Fly buzzing ]

It's just one rat.

Rats carry diseases.

I'm not letting my pregnant sister into that pool.

No party!

Bullock: What a party!

A taco guy?

Smith, you made it so!

Is that...a dead rat?

No, it's a...balloon.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Blows ]

But I can make it a rat.

Here you go, kid.

[ Crying ]

Sorry, everybody. Bad news.

If you hate great tacos!

Go get some, you beautiful jackasses.

Family huddle!

Sorry, Stan, but we can't do this.

I'm trying to reunite with my sister,

not kill her unborn child.

The only way we can have this party

is if no one goes in the pool.

Steve, sub-huddle.

This is crazy!

A pool party with no pool?

But if anybody goes in, your mom

is gonna freak out and ruin everything for us.

[ Coughs ] Sorry. I have COVID.

I guess we just have to go along with it.

No one goes in the pool.

Nice two-tiered huddle, Smiths!

But it's hot as Jackson's grandma out here

and we wanna get wet.

Whoa! You can't just go right in the pool.

Shouldn't we get to know each other first?

We already know each other. We work together!

Oh, yeah?

Dick, where did Jackson go to prep school?

Jackson, did you go to prep school?

Uh, yeah!

Oh, my God, you're right!

Everyone gather 'round and let's get to know each other!

Let's start with something basic.

What's everyone's favorite Dane Cook bit?

Where the hell is it?!

Why don't you just grab a different mustache?

Well, I do have another one from another persona.

His name is Ned Flanders.

He lives in another state

that I can't say for some reason.

It's Michigan. There. I said it.

But I can't use that one!

It has to be Uncle Roger's!

Don't have a cow, man.

[ Sobs ] And that was the last time I saw my dad.

Anyway, back to the question that set this all off.

I guess if I could be any vegetable,

I'd want to be a carrot.

Is purple carrot still up for grabs?

So all of my agents want to be carrots?

This is great to know!

Debbie: Steve?

Debbie! You made it.

Deb-head. Little Deb'lll-doo-ya.

Yaba-deb-a-deb.

Remember that?

[ Sighs ] Yes.

But the pool's looking better than ever.

[ Chuckling ] The pool? Sure, it looks great,

but you don't start with the main course.

You need a little aquatic antipasti.

I just want to cool off.

Great idea.

Grab an end.

It's covered in spider webs.

The spiders know what's up.

Let me give you the grand tour.

Right over here, you got your spinny things.

They're a little gunked up with sand,

but you can force 'em.

Scoop up some water. Dump it out.

Bada bing, bada boom.

And don't forget about this cool...

ass...boat.

Time to hit the pool!

The board shorts were only a little bit up my butt.

Let's go!

Ow! Why'd you do that?

Pool party punch!

Very good. But in I go.

Uh, but not before we have a water gun fight!

I know guns.

But we don't have any water guns.

Sure, we do. I'm gonna get ya!

[ Gunshots ] Man: Oh!

Geez, Franny! What're you doing?!

Just havin' a little fun in the sun!

Keep everyone out of the pool.

Eh? No one goes in.

Of course. It's a pool party.

I was kind of hoping to go swimming...

Right! But I'm so excited to be an aunt

I just wanted to start right away.

Hey, mama! Aaahhh!

I'm "Ant" Francine!

Do you love it?

Roger: Damn it! Where the hell's my mustache?!

Ignore that. We have an "Encanto" house.

Gwen, it's important to me that we put the past behind us

and bond again as sisters.

Me too.

So, uh, elephant in the room -

not you! Is there a father?

Remember that dorky guy who had a crush on me

all through high school?

Brett McMannan? Yeah.

I slept with some rando in front of his house.

This is mid.

You know, Steve, if we're not going into the pool...

Well, I kind of promised my mom I wouldn't.

I don't see her around anywhere.

Ah, she's up in her room.

She could easily look out and then -

Oh, thank God. She's turned into some Kafkaesque bug.

Let's get in that pool and I'll show you my butterfly.

I call it Peanut.

It? Do you think it's...

not human?

This has been great, but I just wanna go swimming

with everybody else.

Nobody wants to go in the pool, Gwen!

You're the only one! You're being weird.

I'm being weird?

[ Water splashing ]

[ Ominous music plays ]

The seal is broken!

[ Guests cheering ]

-Mm! -Whoo-hoo!

Man: Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Ooh!

[ Laughter ]

Woman: Whoo-hoo!

Stan! Help me get everybody out of the pool!

Okay, okay.

I'll see if I can splash them out...

with a cannonball!

Man: Whoo!

[ Ominous music plays ]

?

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

?

Whoo-hoo! We're in!

C'mon, c'mon! This way!

Let's get the heart!

[ Bacteria chomping ]

[ Heart beating ]

?

Now the brain!

Bacteria: Brains!

Uh, guys, if we kill this dude,

we'll end up dying, too.

Bacteria: Brains!

Well, I tried.

Brains!

?

Together: Francine...

Francine...

Francine! Francine!

[ Ominous music plays ]

Francine: Peanut.

Gwen, get outta the pool!

No way! This pool's not just cooling me off -

It's reminding me how much I need you in my life.

Woman: Whoo!

[ Laughter ]

Shark!

[ Laughter stops ]

[ Laughter continues ]

What do I do?

I'm never gonna get 'em out of that filthy water.

Filthy water...

[ Chomps ]

?

-Brilliant, Francine! -Whoo, Mom!

This jet feels great on my ding-dong!

I didn't know "ants" are water bugs.

[ Laughs loudly ]

[ Grunts, laughs ]

[ Groans, laughs ]

[ Strains ]

[ Laughs ]

God, you're funny, Gwen.

I've missed you.

Promise me you won't let anything come between us again.

Francine, what could possibly come between us?

Jeff: Doooodeeeee!

There's a poop in the pool!

Everybody out!

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Guests screaming ]

?

Aaaaahhhhh!

Sir, I am so sorry.

I-I don't know how this happened.

Well, I have a theory -

It came out of someone's butt.

Yes, well, I hope this has no bearing on my position

as "pistol picker."

I also picked that name.

Smith, I don't blame you for this.

This party has been the jam

and now it's ruined by some incontinent twit.

I hate you!

Avery, I'm sure it was an accident.

I mean, obviously, no one's going back in the pool,

but we still have plenty of tacos and the ant mask.

No one has to leave.

Oh, no one's leaving, my dear.

Oh, good! Let me explain.

No one is leaving this house

until we find out who the party pooper is.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

We need to find out who fouled up that pool and our good time.

Now, who did it?

I need a name.

And then I need someone to point to that person discreetly,

because I haven't taken the time to learn everyone's names.

Avery, whoever did it probably feels terrible.

That should be punishment enough.

No, Francine. Bullock's right. And handsome.

As usual.

We need to find this guy.

Yeah, let's find him!

And tip the taco guy!

[ Guests murmuring ]

On second thought, everybody poops. I read a book about it.

I'm ready to forgive. And go to bed.

Look at the time. G'night, y'all.

Stan did it! What?!

He's done it before.

Years ago, at Buckle's pool party.

It was a big deal on the Internet

before things were a big deal on the Internet.

It wasn't me! You're just saying that

because you wanna be the pistol picker.

I am not! And it's "emissary of weaponry."

Oooh! That's a better name.

[ Gasps ] Duper did it!

I didn't do it!

Maybe it was her. I don't know her!

Me?! Debbie?!

She hasn't pooped a day in her life.

That's not technically true.

She admits it!

I can't believe someone did this.

Eh. One of the kids probably had an accident.

I should get used to that with Peanut on the way.

Oh, yeah.

But on the other hand, if they were an adult,

and they did it on purpose or something...

that would be a different story.

A story where I end up back in prison for what I did to them.

Um...

I'm thinking with this heat, you should go.

You're gonna end up with a roasted Peanut.

No one leaves until we find out who did this!

Now, before we start the interrogations,

can someone get that dookie out of the pool?

I can feel it floating over there,

taunting me, daring me to find its owner.

Waiting for me to -

Ah! I'll get it!

Ever the hostess.

Now let's get to it.

To the tree house!

How important is toilet paper to you?

I haven't had a bowel movement outside my house

in 15 years.

No, I don't owe anyone out there money.

And I don't think it was an act of revenge.

I did it! I admit it!

Jeffrey, why did you poop in the pool?

Poop? I thought we were talking about pee.

I peed in there, like, five times.

I always do.

I assure you, it was not my baby.

Its waste is eliminated by my own system.

Women are miracles.

Does public defecation get you horned up?

Well, how do we know you didn't do it?

Old man like you, can't control his sphincter anymore.

Charming. But it wasn't me.

Old man like you, bad memory.

Maybe you forgot.

?

[ Whispering ] What were you thinking?

I didn't want anyone in that rat-infested pool.

So I did what I had to "doo-doo."

You think Bullock is gonna choose me

if he finds out my wife crapped in the pool?

It's bad "ploptics."

See, I can do wordplay, too.

Bullock: He's baaaack!

And I've narrowed it down to two suspects -

Dick, whose name is a swear and has every motive

to keep Stan from becoming "gun guy."

I didn't do it!

Whoever denied it, supplied it.

I couldn't agree more.

Why? Because it was actually you, Francine,

my other suspect? Me?!

When I asked for the feces to be removed from the pool,

you rushed to the job.

But no one wants to clean up other people's excrement,

but your own -

one of life's great pleasures.

Whoever mopped it, plopped it.

It was...my pool.

Hey, wait. It did show up right after she dove in.

That doesn't mean - Taco Guy: She's crazy.

She was running around in an ant mask!

We should all tip the taco guy!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

?

Okay, the truth is...

It was me!

I poo-poo'd in the pool.

[ Guests gasp ]

Oh, thank God it wasn't Jeff.

Seriously?

I don't know what happened.

I guess I'm so relaxed around you, it just slid out.

It's actually kind of romantic if you think about it.

You're my laxative, baby.

You...

are disgusting.

Well, called it. Kids are gross.

Yeah, but they're pretty great, too.

Let's do this again. But not this.

I'd love that.

Another poolside mystery solved by Bullock.

And while I have you at your best, let me run this by you.

I've always used the Beretta M9,

but I'm recommending we all change to the Glock 19.

-Hey, that's what I use! -Me too!

All right! No change!

[ Men cheering, gunshots ]

[ Glass shattering ]

That was amazing, Steve.

Sacrificing your girlfriend for your mom.

Wow.

Well, I couldn't let you lose your sister again.

Thank you. Just one question.

How did you... Know it was yours?

Well, I passed it rushing out of the pool.

What can I say?

I've been smelling that smell for the last 14 years, Mama.

That was all you.

Oh, Steve!

Jeff: Wheeee!

These ants think I'm their queen!

They're so dumb.

Oh, God, they're taking me into their hole!

Whoa!

They got a taco guy down here, too!

It's gone. The mustache is gone.

Goodbye, Uncle Roger. We hardly knew ye.

Sorry, Roger.

I guess I'm gonna go now...

'cause it's party time!

Party's over. Pool poop.

And I missed it?! Ah, damn it!

I'm gonna go full Ricky Spanish on Tuttle's book club.

Woman: [ Whispering ] Ricky Span-

Shut up! [ Door slams ]

Thanks, Rogu.

For what?

Found it.

Five money.

Wait. You paid Rogu five money to hide Roger's mustache?

We had to keep him away.

He was gonna show everyone his dirt locker.

He would've ruined the party. Sounds like it was still ruined.

It mostly worked out.

Don't know if we'll ever see Jeff again, though.

[ Ominous music plays ]

?

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