Original subtitles

Well, it's October.

Time to spend $35

on something that costs about 19 cents the rest of the year.

You made me come here. You don't get to complain.

Okay, fine. Let's find a pumpkin.

Ugh. This one's too soft and soggy.

My finger poked right through it.

Yeah. Let me just take this out of your way, Mom.

You and I are gonna have a wonderful holiday together.

How many times do we have to hear Monster Mash?

I guess there aren't any other Halloween songs.

Sure there are. Ghostbusters?

No, that's not a Halloween song.

- Um, Zombie? - No.

- Spooky? Witchy Woman? - No.

- Somebody's Watching Me? - No. Not even close.

- Don't Fear the Reaper. - No.

- Highway to Hell. - Eh. Wrong.

- Black Magic Woman? - Nope.

Okay, I got it. Thriller.

Well, scary. But for the wrong reason.

Can you imagine the things that pet monkey must have witnessed?

Neverland?

More like always-land.

Can I get a refill and a diaper change over here?

Come on.

Hi, Lois. Still getting all your decorations up?

Yep.

And it would probably take less time

if anyone from the house would come out and help me.

Well, maybe a little less girl talk,

and you'd be done by now.

Halloween got you down, Lois?

Honestly, I am sick of it.

Used to be just for kids.

Dress up, get some candy.

But now, grownups have hijacked it.

It's like a stupid week-long convention

where even adults wear costumes.

And who decided every year we all have to turn our yards

into some crazy elaborate set from a horror movie?

Look, everyone's doing it, even Quagmire.

Wow, that's quite a display, Glenn.

It's eerie. They almost look human.

Yeah, that's the idea.

Guys, I need help deciding on my Halloween costumes.

So just sit here and I'm gonna model them for you.

Not this song again.

Hmm, let me guess. Fabio at his prom holding a stick?

No, I'm sexually-charged lesbian conductor Lydia Tar.

Yeah. I'm not sure people will get that.

Okay. How about this?

Now I'm sexually-charged bisexual conductor Leonard Maestro.

His name's not Leonard Maestro.

Whatever. All the kids this year want to be horny conductors.

What else you got?

I'm sorry, but I simply cannot listen to this song

- any longer. - Me neither.

How can there not be any other Halloween songs?

Brian, that's it.

We should write a new Halloween song.

We could be rich!

Halloween song, huh?

Well, I suppose I could toss a few bon mots into the witch's cauldron.

- Forget it. - No, no, no. It's a good idea.

Sorry about the bon mots stuff. Let's do it.

All right. Well, I did have one thought. Check it out.

Whoa! Kind of catchy, right?

Well, yeah. It's Jingle Bells.

Ish.

Well, there's your winner, Chris.

Amazing. The fat thighs, misshapen breasts.

And you even put olive oil under the arms for the pit stains.

Wait, who are you supposed to be?

- I'm Grimsburg. - Who?

- Uh-oh. - Which means I'm Meg.

Uh-oh.

We now return to Abbott and Costello Elementary.

Okay. So as the new vice principal,

it's important that you learn all the names of our faculty.

That's what I want to find out.

Well, it's very simple. We have Mr. Present,

Mr. Absent, Mr. Here, Mr. Yep, and Ms. Yo.

Okay. And all of 'em are here?

Well, no, only one of them is Here.

- You don't see all of 'em? - Of course I do.

But you just said only one of them is here!

- What about this guy? - No, he's not Here.

- He's Absent.

Let's just take attendance, okay?

- Mr. Absent. - Here.

- Mr. Here. - Present.

- Mr. Yep. - Yo.

- Miss Yo. - Yep.

Mr. Present. Mr. Present?

Ah. So, Present is absent.

- Wait, present is absent? - That's right.

I thought you said he was absent.

- He is. - But he's present.

No, he's not Present. Present is absent.

Wait. So who's present and who's absent?

He's Absent and Present is absent.

So he is present?

- No, he's absent. - So he's Here,

but Present is absent and Absent is present?

Now that's the first thing you've said right.

I don't even know what I said!

Oh, there you are. What are you wearing?

Well, my other costumes didn't work.

So now I'm dead Travis Kelce.

See, depending on how it all plays out,

I'm either sadly haunted by the loss of Taylor, or in eternal bliss,

because I died in that sweet, sweet saddle.

Well, I'm sure the kids will know what that means while you hand out candy.

Hand out candy?

Mom, I'll be out trick-or-treating.

Chris, you are too old to go trick-or-treating.

You're in high school for God's sake.

But, Mom, Halloween is the most magical night of the year.

And you'll still be part of the magic by taking on the dreary

and thankless responsibilities that grownups do every year.

Peter, back me up on this.

Do what your mother says, Chris, or trust me,

next thing you know, she'll be counting your beers at a wedding.

Peter, I am done talking about what happened at my cousin Pammy's wedding.

I didn't say I was gonna bang that bridesmaid.

I just said that I would.

There's a difference, Lois.

There's a... There's a difference.

Mom, this stinks.

I've been looking forward to trick-or-treating all year.

Well, I'm sorry, Chris, but that's life.

Things don't always work out the way you hoped they would.

Amazon, you will transport gifts and treasures all around the world.

Waterford, you will be packed with elegant crystal pieces.

Cologuard, an aging boomer will crap in you,

then mail you off to see if he has a rotten ass.

Psst, Chris.

Dad, what's going on?

Shh. You and I are going trick-or-treating.

But Mom said...

I'm not afraid of your mom, Chris.

That's why we're out here in the dark driveway whispering.

Yay! I'm gonna hang out with Dad.

This is my year of saying yes, Chris.

Side note, do you see me as a Jeep guy?

Well, that depends.

What music streaming service will you be listening to while driving?

None. I will be dangerously thumbing through a sleeve

full of Jack Johnson CDs while I drive.

Dad...

buy the Jeep.

Chris, I already did.

Jeep. Tariffs have forced us back into the conversation.

Dad, I can't believe I'm in a bar.

Are you sure we shouldn't tell Mom?

Now, there's a lot of things your mother doesn't need to know about, Chris.

Us trick-or-treating,

that restraining order from Sydney Sweeney,

my addiction to Afrin.

Wow, this is all so new to me.

It's a big night, son.

Lying to the most important woman in your life

to serve your own selfish needs?

You're becoming a man, just like your dad.

Oh, cool. You guys are doing Sister Act.

No, we're doing The Town.

We just couldn't find any toy guns or old lady masks.

- Ooh! - I love Sister Act.

- We're The Town. - Maybe we should pivot.

- No pivots! - Peter, Sister Act made $231 million

against a $30 million budget,

and those are 1992 dollars.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Fine. We'll do Sister Act. But I'm Whoopi.

Oh, that's some bull crud.

Hey, Dad, what if Mom sees us out trick-or-treating tonight?

Oh, we're not trick-or-treating in Quahog, Chris.

She'll never know.

And we got our story straight, right?

We all told our wives we're going to the game.

- Yep. The game. - Going to the game.

Yep. And I told everyone who needed to know.

Alexa, I'm going to the game with the guys later.

I heard you're going to be gay with the guys later.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Now playing It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls.

Okay.

All right, Brian, we're a team

and this is our sanctuary.

Wide open. Let's make some magic.

- No bad ideas in here. - Cool.

So I thought we could start with words that rhyme with Halloween.

Mmm. No. Bad idea. Very bad.

Oof. But let's keep at it.

And as we do, Brian, I just want to say

that Andrew Ridgeley was a very important part of Wham!

So before you start beating up on yourself, remember that.

Okay. Well, how do you know you're not Andrew Ridgeley?

That unimportant blow-dried Klingon?

Not a chance.

Now, I was thinking, how about a Halloween rap song?

Uh, yeah, I guess kids still like rap.

Oh, indeed.

Now, the first rule of writing a rap song is to say who you are

and then what you are here to do.

Huh?

Uh, well, honestly, I don't think anyone really says "Halloween Day."

Well, they might, after they hear it in our new song.

Oh, and Brian, fans are already speculating

as to whether or not you and I are a couple.

So I suggest we do a press release

to get out ahead of all the rumors.

Stewie, we don't have any fans.

We haven't even written a song yet.

And yet the rumors persist.

Well, I suppose it's our own fault for not getting separate rooms

at the Golden Door Spa, although, for obvious reasons,

I do consider that our anniversary.

Okay, whatever. What if we did, like,

We Didn't Start the Fire, but just naming Halloween candies?

Ooh, good start. But, oh...

How are we going to rhyme "trouble in the Suez"?

Bubblicious Blue Pez?

You know what? We are elevating that to a maybe.

You having fun trick-or-treating, Chris?

Yeah, and I love the way homeowners resent me

as soon as they see how old I am.

You know, it's really great being able to spend this time with you, son,

'cause one day we're all gonna have sex robots

built to our own specifications and never leave our rooms.

Really? And how far off would this be?

Not far off at all, Chris.

We already have the technology.

Now we just need the will and the gradual lowering of human morals.

In fact, this could be the last Halloween ever.

So, is this the last time I'm ever gonna see you?

No. I mean, we can hang out when the robots are in the shop

getting their tune-ups, and they will need tune-ups.

Those things are gonna get wrecked.

But won't we have backup sex robots?

Oh, yeah, I suppose you're right.

Yeah. I guess this is goodbye, son.

BBC America presents

a damp English detective series like none before.

Drizzleton.

Boy, it's really almost coming down today.

In a town ravaged by murder and drizzle.

Her socks are only half soggy.

The killer can't be far.

Starring an actor who was a Dr. Who, maybe.

I want them boots bagged and sent back to the lab in London

where we have proper rain.

Begging your pardon, Inspector.

The last thing we need is a heavy-dropper like you

- meddling in this investigation. - Drizzleton, don't.

Wait, I'm Drizzleton? I thought it was the town.

Drizzleton, a mystery that can't be mist.

- Trick or treat. - Oh.

Another Squid Game costume.

I guess nobody cares what their kids are watching anymore.

Lois, how's your candy holding up?

Well, better than me. I don't have any help over there tonight.

Chris was upset that he couldn't go trick-or-treating,

so Peter took him to the game.

Huh? That's funny. Joe told me he was going to the game.

Cleveland told me the same thing.

So wait, wait, wait, wait. They were all together?

What big game is being played tonight?

I don't know. I thought The Game was a movie.

I thought it was a rapper.

Wait a minute. So they all went to "a game."

But none of us really knows what it is?

I can't believe Peter.

He's a bigger liar than American Idol.

Congratulations. You've won American Idol.

You're going to be a huge star.

Just like Laine Hardy, Maddie Poppe, Trent Harmon,

Just Sam, Noah Thompson, Caleb Johnson, Candice Glover,

and Nick Fradiani.

Are those real names?

I don't know.

Ah, there he is.

Or, as I would say in autotune...

Stewie, how much have you spent on this venture?

You can't put a price on perfection, Bri.

But if you could, it would be $9,418.

But don't worry, I've got it under control.

Okay. So who's that?

Oh, that's Satsuki. I need her to be here,

but I assure you it will not impact our process in any way.

Huh. So anyway, I had an idea to do some lyrics about candy corn.

Yeah, it's gonna be a no on that one.

Who is this again?

Brian, you should worry a little less about her and more about your input.

I mean, I have put a lot into this studio.

I even bought cases of La Croix for us to take one sip out of

and then leave around the room.

- Um, is that one mine? - I don't know.

Well, I'll just open another one.

Try to work out a baseline, Bri.

Me and Satsuki are gonna get our pubic hairs tangled for a photo shoot.

Stewie, I'm not entirely sure I know what's going on here anymore.

Yeah, because I'm doing all the work!

You know, I don't need this, Brian.

I could go right back to the Brill Building

and keep writing jingles for Palmolive and Ralston Purina

commuting in from New Rochelle and pulling down 20 Gs a year.

Okay, you know what? I'm done.

I really thought you and I could have some fun doing this, Stewie.

But now the whole thing has just turned into a nightmare.

Wait, say that again.

What? Nightmare?

Yes, that gives me a great idea for our song.

All right. I think we've earned today's heroin.

Wait, what?

Brian, I want you to make love to us.

Geez, this guy's blinding me with his high beams.

Don't flash your lights, Peter.

Sometimes those guys are gang members

who kill the first guy to flash back.

That's just an urban myth, Cleveland.

Idiot's probably on his phone.

Oh, God, Dad, this is bad.

I can't get any signal. We need to call for help.

Well, maybe those guys with the chainsaws have a better phone.

Uh, hi, fellas.

Kind of late to be doing yard work, isn't it?

You are going to die.

- Did you prime it? - It doesn't need to be primed.

Yeah, you should prime it and open the choke.

- Uh, the choke's open. - Okay, then close the choke.

Is the chain brake activated?

It's got to be activated or it won't start.

It's a safety thing.

Yeah, there you go. Now we're gonna die.

Guys, someone needs to puncture my poop bag.

It's full. It's only slowing me down.

Keep going. I see a cottage.

Oh, no, we gotta go back to the car.

What? What for?

Our bags. They might have candy at that house.

- Okay, fine. We'll just do pockets.

Dad, I'm scared. This is terrible.

I know, Chris, and it's certainly not the way I thought I was gonna die.

Here you are, sir.

And remember, if you eat the entire 96-ounce steak, it's free.

Well, I'm starting to regret that second French onion soup.

But let's do this.

Good evening, ma'am.

Trick or treat and we're about to be murdered.

Could we please use your phone?

Ugh. Oh, yeah. She wants me to do the Truffle Shuffle.

I swear to God, Everywhere I go, this happens.

Oh, she's offering us some hot chocolate.

You know, that'll really hit the spot on a cool autumn evening.

Yeah, I don't know. This is weird.

What we really need is a phone...

Ooh, mini marshmallows.

Ah, that was delicious.

And as long as I don't start seeing two of you

slightly out of focus, we should be okay.

How did you like it, blurry Chris one and two?

Wait, what's going on?

Oh. Oh, God, did I snore?

You are going to die.

Okay, fine. But just one thing.

If you cut off my skin to make a suit,

please don't use it for gay purposes

or hold it up like Jared's pants from a Subway ad.

Kind of a weird request.

Well, it's happened once before,

but I brought this on all of us.

I lied to my wife

and even worse, I taught my son to do the same.

I lied to my wife too.

So did I. Oh, I feel so bad.

I lied to my Alexa.

And for what? Candy.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I was stupid and wrong. And I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

Well...

That's all I wanted to hear.

- Lois? - Mom?

Oh, Donna, you're just in time to come with me to the game.

- Shut your mouth, Cleveland. - It's shut.

Lois, you scared the crap out of me.

How did you find us?

It was easy. We just used the Find My Phone app on your phones.

Ah, very clever. Smart women.

I'm not sure any of you had the right to threaten to kill me.

Lois, you were right. Halloween is just for kids.

I will never sneak out to celebrate it again.

Are you kidding me?

This is the most fun I've had in years.

Halloween is great.

Isn't that right, ladies?

Well, Lois, maybe I'm not the worst husband in the world after all.

Oh, Peter, I promise I will never again lose my Halloween spirit.

Come on, everyone.

It's not a Halloween song.

I know. Too bad there really isn't a good Halloween song we could all sing.

Oh, yes, there is. Hit it, Brian.

It's Halloween, as we prepare a nightmare that's beyond compare.

As freaks and goblins creepily advance...

There's really only one sure way

to keep those ghosts and ghouls at bay.

I hear they're a couple. Saw some pretty racy pictures in Us magazine.

I don't care about anything you say.

What a great Halloween, Mom.

Let me help you take down the decorations.

Oh, thanks, Chris.

Yeah, I really hate to do it,

but the whole street is already decorating for Christmas.

Hi, neighbors. Season's greetings.

Ho ho ho ho. Ho ho ho ho.

Ho ho!