Original subtitles

♪ I didn't think That it would change ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

♪ Change so much to be here ♪

♪ But I feel so stuck, Like giving up ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I can't wait To get out of here ♪

♪ Thought I fit in But I don't ♪

♪ And I can't wait To come home ♪

♪ When I'm there, yeah, I feel whole ♪

♪ Feel whole ♪

♪ A part of me's Been missing ♪

♪ Ever since I left them ♪

♪ Wanna be with my friends And never let them go ♪

♪ A part of me was lost when ♪

♪ My world turned Upside-down, Ken ♪

♪ Can we go back To what it was before? ♪

♪ Back to what it was before ♪

♪ Can we go back To what it was before? ♪

♪ Back to what it was before ♪

♪ Before, before ♪

♪ I know there's sun But it ain't fun ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ When it feels Like a nothing ♪

♪ I was split apart, You broke my heart ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Wait to get out of here

♪ Thought I fit in, But I don't ♪

♪ And I can't wait To come home ♪

♪ When I'm there, yeah, I feel whole ♪

♪ Feel whole ♪

♪ A part of me's Been missing ♪

♪ Ever since I left them ♪

♪ Wanna be with my friends And never let them go ♪

♪ A part of me was lost when ♪

♪ My world turned Upside-down, Ken ♪

♪ Can we go back To what it was before? ♪

♪ Back to what it was before ♪

♪ Can we go back To what it was before? ♪

♪ Back to what it was before ♪

Yeah. Got it.

♪ Before, before ♪

Hey, everybody.

Finally getting out of this sinkhole.

And then two hours and twelve minutes,

I'll be home.

What's up? Aren't you supposed to be in your big TED Talk?

It's TEDx, but that's irrelevant.

Where have you been? I have been trying to reach you.

Sorry. I'm at the airport.

Remember? I was going through security.

Oh, did your laptop make it through security?

-Um, yes. -No, it didn't.

My laptop made it through security.

Seriously?

Seriously. And today of all days, Annie.

You know how important this day is for me.

Well, you're the one who wanted mother/daughter matching cases.

What'd you expect?

I expect you to check, you know?

I've asked a thousand times.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Not asking for perfection.

I'm asking you to be responsible.

I'm very responsible.

Says the woman talking from her,

what, fifth cellphone in two years?

No. The is the fourth.

The first one was dropped into the toilet.

That happens to everyone.

The second one fell off on a roller coaster.

That is the amusement park's fault.

And the third one was accidentally

thrown into the trash at Starbucks,

-which makes this the fourth. -No, it's actually five.

You're forgetting about the one that you lost

when you went with your father to the football game.

I did not lose that one. That was stolen.

As intriguing as this conversation is,

this is not the time.

This is my first speaking engagement with my new job,

and it is essential that I make a good impression.

Now could we set aside the attitude?

I need something off of my laptop.

Do you think you can do that for me?

All right. What do you need?

-Thank you. My password is... -I know your password.

North Korean hackers know your password.

The whole wide world knows your password.

You really need to change this password.

Oh, crap. Uh, all right.

Let me just you call you back from the computer.

Hey, you need to tell Damian Usata

he's actually a monokerophobiac.

Do not read my client messages.

-That is completely like... -It's like fine.

-No. Do not do that. -It's fine.

I have to get on my seat.

Like, the first speaker is in 20 minutes.

Oops!

Actually, it's in 10 minutes.

Okay. Mission. Focus.

Upper right-hand corner.

- Folder. - Okay.

Internalizing Stigmas in Society.

Let me know when you see it.

Uh, I'm not seeing anything here by that name.

You're kidding me. Um...

- Mnh-mnh. - Oh, I...

Maybe I abbreviated it.

Look for ISIS.

Yeah. I see it.

We should maybe think about work shopping this,

a new name. I don't...

Initial thoughts, Psychology Stuff, Work.

Take them or leave them.

-Just ideas. -Okay. Click on...

Click on that... click on that folder,

and inside there's a whole bunch of files.

There's one, uh, Third Parties.

And then there's one called Healing the Unseen Bruise.

Let me know when you got it, okay?

It should be right there, really easy to find.

Are you with me? Are you breathing?

Are you... are you alive?

Semaphore?

Annie?

What are you doing? Did you...

Why can't I go back and live in our house with Dad?

I wanna finish high school in New Jersey with my friends.

We've talked about... I mean...

your dad travels all the time for work,

and we all discussed it,

and you'd be better off living with me in Florida.

We didn't all agree to that.

I draw the line.

This is not the time.

I have got to get to my seat.

And do not think for one minute I am gonna forget

about this little computer fiasco.

Oh, my God. You're acting like I stole it.

Do you think I did this on purpose,

for this fun conversation we get to have?

I think you didn't check on purpose

because you don't value the things I care about.

Okay. Wow.

And they gave you the job as head psychologist?

You should host a panel on paranoia.

Annie, send me the document.

-I have to turn off my alerts. -Okay.

Log out of everything on my computer...

All right.

and hang up.

Okay.

And send. There.

- Oh. Oh, we boarding. - Okay.

I gotta... yeah, the plane.

-I gotta go, so... -Okay. Okay.

-All right. -I love you.

Oh, my God.

Sailing with singles.

Really?

That where we're at?

Seriously? Is she kidding?

What the...

Bitch!

Attention passengers

traveling to Newark, New Jersey, on Flight 1211.

Due to an arriving aircraft delay,

Flight 1211 will now be departing at 2:30 p.m.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

Wow.

You're Photoshopping now?

-Waassuup? -Waassuup?

You know how I feel about this.

Okay. This is another example of Generation Z ignorance.

It's like pop culture is some type

of four-letter word to you people.

Oh, please. You watch, like,

three episodes of Friends,

and suddenly you're some cultural historian.

-Yeah. -Hey, Annie,

are you still at the airport?

I thought you'd be in the air by now.

My flight's delayed,

like everything else in Florida.

-No. -No.

My ears!

-Lindsey. -Sorry.

I'm babysitting my brother.

This is the only thing keeping him

from literally climbing the walls.

Hi, Christian.

-Waassuup? -Waassuup?

Why don't you go make another TikTok or something?

No. I'm gonna go watch a movie.

That'll keep him busy.

Oh, he means The Purge.

He's a monster.

Survive the night!

Okay. Is this too much?

Still bingeing those James Murphy videos?

Yeah. Sister keeps me updated on all the trends.

Um, I think you may need an intervention.

Says the woman who watches old Twilight movies

like it's her job.

Kristen Stewart is a national treasure.

-Actually agree with that. -Uh...

Can I ask, what are you guys doing home?

It's the middle of the day.

Online Learning Day, so I'm gonna do my makeup

and learn the origins of the Pythagorean theorem.

And I'm babysitting Christian, who claims to be sick...

Touchdown!

while doing a cultural relevance analysis

-on Lord of the Flies. -Make me some mac and cheese.

-I'm hungry! -Which seems to be

very relevant in this moment.

Okay. Guys, guess where I'm coming to you from?

You dog! You snuck into the first-class lounge.

I'm on my mom's laptop.

You actually have your mom's laptop at the airport?

Yeah. That's what I said.

-Does she know? -Yes, she does.

She's not happy.

Said she's never made a mistake in her entire life.

Very annoying.

Anyway, what do you guys...

Stop nagging him.

- Who? - My dad.

Actually, speaking of which...

Uh, of whom.

-Of whom. I'm so sorry. -It's okay.

I gotta go call him and let him know that I'm delayed.

So, I'll be right back, don't go far.

Couldn't if I tried.

Son of a...

There she is.

I was starting to get worried.

-Hi, Dad. -Are you still in Florida?

I was about to call you.

Yeah. Didn't you get an alert?

My flight got delayed.

Uh, I just finished

writing my piece on last night's game.

You know how it is when I'm in the zone.

-Let me check my texts. -Okay.

Oh. Your mom texted.

Looks like we have to work on some science project?

I hope we won't have to miss the big game.

It is the first of the season.

No, no, no. That's... Mom made a mistake.

That project's not due for another week.

Yeah? Hang on a second.

Never mind. We're good.

All right, Annie-kin Skywalker,

stay good and ping me before you take off.

Okay. I will. Love you.

Love you too, honey.

Found you.

Okay.

Geraldine.

Recent transfer.

Annie was an "A" student.

I am a genius.

Hello, Jason.

Blink twice if you need us to send help.

Ha, ha.

A vitamin C-enriched mask firms

while it moisturizes.

-Oh. -Okay.

So Christian wants to do the hot pepper challenge.

-Should I let him? -No.

Hot! Hot! Water!

This is the hottest thing ever!

Water!

Okay. Wait. Guys, get this.

I just pretended I was my mom texting with my dad.

And then I emailed my science teacher as my mom

and got out of doing this huge project this weekend.

I'm beginning to think that maybe

having the world of Michelle

back to her maiden name Fitzsimons at my fingertips

just might be the key to my happiness.

-Look who's on a power trip. -So what's next?

You're gonna take your mom's computer

on a little online shopping spree,

new wardrobe?

You guys hungry?

I could eat.

Well, then you get a pizza.

And you get a pizza. Everybody gets a pizza.

Thank you. That's so nice of you.

-But remember, I'm gluten-free. -I know you.

And, uh, don't thank me, thank Michelle... Fitzsimons.

Oh, my God. I can't believe we haven't told you yet.

-What? -Oh, that's right.

-Annie, you're gonna die. -What? What?

So Trin and I were at Homecoming Committee meeting on Wednesday,

and guess who asked about you?

I don't know.

Mrs. Stroever?

-The cafeteria lady? -No, no, no, no.

Sean.

Sean?

Sean "God amongst men" Greene?

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.

What did he say?

How did he say it? What did he say?

Okay. Okay. So he was like,

"So is Annie coming back for homecoming?"

Not now, dude.

Okay. This is big, you guys, right?

I mean, is this... is this something?

This is something?

I mean, he hasn't even spoken to me since seventh grade.

He is cute.

He has jawline.

So what did you say?

Oh, we said no.

You're probably gonna go to homecoming

in Florida where you live.

What? Why would you do that?

Well, what should we have said?

Uh, I don't know.

I didn't even think he was gonna notice that I was gone.

Well, I'm sure he noticed you not drooling

from the sidelines of like every game last year.

Wow. Okay. I was supporting our team.

-Mm-hmm. -It's called school spirit.

Actually, I think it's called stalking.

I mean, do you think he asked

because he maybe wants to take me to homecoming?

Um, he totally could.

-Yeah. -Maybe want to.

I mean, anything is possible.

-Perhaps. -Sort of-ish.

But... but let's remind ourselves here.

You live in Florida.

- Yeah. - All right.

I mean, it's more like I'm being held hostage

in a swamp while Michelle Fitzsimons

works through her mid-life crisis.

Wait. What?

Oh, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

Come on. Act your age.

What?

Hey, share with the class, please.

Okay.

She ordered lingerie.

For what?

I think you mean for who?

Look, just 'cause she's divorced

doesn't mean she doesn't have needs.

Yecchh.

No. No.

Oh, my God. Who does she think she is?

Oh, so that's what's going on

underneath the sensible blazer.

Oh. This is...

This is... does she not know?

She is like 40-something years old.

-Forty is the new twenty. -Panties! Panties!

Who says panties anymore?

Um, I do.

-Thank you very much. -Okay. Sorry, Trinity.

Well, I mean, if I'm maybe

gonna be coming back for Homecoming,

then I'm probably gonna need a dress, right?

-Mm-hmm. -Shopping spree.

Shopping spree.

Oh, this is so cute.

Oh, I love that dress.

That's the one Allison Niedermeier got.

Okay. Then moving right along.

Oh, Linds, did you get the evite

to Allison's Homecoming after party?

Yes.

I heard, like, everyone is gonna be there.

- It's gonna be awesome. - Wait. What?

-She's doing the after party? -Well, yeah.

I mean, you can't host it this year, so she stepped up.

God, what is with this girl?

The dress, my friends, and my after party?

Oh, you know what? I gotta go.

- I gotta get to English. - No.

And I'm gonna perfect the cat eye.

I'll talk to you babes later.

And I am on to Conversational French.

Au revoir.

Bye.

I can't stand this girl.

Of course, you're that person.

Well, it won't hurt to just look.

Yes.

Oh, my God. So cute. So cute. So cute.

So pretty.

Well, I need options.

♪ 'Cause I like Being lonely I'm a boss ♪

♪ Tell 'em not today ♪

♪ Swervin' on these chickens Cluckin' out my lane ♪

♪ I'm a boss, out my way ♪

♪ Or just do every little thing That I say ♪

Yes, I am interested in shoes.

♪ L.A. Times I stay on page six ♪

♪ I'm even Your favorite's favorite ♪

Autofill, you beautiful thing.

♪ You better better Tell them who's the boss, see ♪

♪ You better better show 'em Who's the boss... ♪

What the...

Sweetheart?

You're selling the house?

What?

Annie, honey, this is not a good time.

Yeah. I know. It's never a good time with you.

What... why do you have to take away

everything that I love?

Annie, honey, I... I just really can't.

-My entire... -I can't okay?

life was in New Jersey.

My best friends, junior year,

Homecoming, Grandma.

And for what?

You could have sailed with singles

-in Jersey, you know? -Oh, God.

Oh. Annie?

See? Happens to everyone.

Oh.

Waassuup?

Okay. Enough of this wassup crap.

I'm not in the mood.

This kid is driving me...

Whoa, Annie. What happened?

How are they doing this to me?

My dad is supposed to live there.

We were just talking about Christmas.

Annie, I mean, you had to have known

they were planning to sell the house.

Yeah. I knew eventually they were gonna sell it.

I thought it was gonna be like

the time that my mom put her car up for sale. Do you remember?

She had it up for like two weeks then she took down the ad.

Well, yeah,

that's because it had major problems.

Every time she went into reverse,

-the airbag would release. -Yeah.

I mean, thank God you guys had a circular driveway.

All right.

I get it.

I just thought they'd wait...

in case we came back.

I mean, these are my memories we're talking about.

That's the kitchen

where my dad and I made funnel cakes

when we missed the Firemen's Fair that one summer.

It's the living room where we'd watch American Idol,

just make fun of everyone.

I threw up in here fifteen times one night.

I remember.

I was sleeping over.

Yeah, that's right.

No.

No, no. You know what? No.

This isn't happening.

What do you mean?

Yes.

Annie, what are you doing?

I just need to buy some time.

Who's that?

Crap.

Not now, Cheezbud.

What's a Cheezbud?

He's nobody.

He?

So I'm assuming this Cheezdude...

Bud. Cheezbud.

Right. Bud.

Is a native Floridian from your new school.

See what I'm dealing with here?

I don't even know his real name.

He goes by his Instagram handle.

Ew.

We're partnered for this English project and...

Oh, before you go on, we're gonna need

a visual of Cheezbud.

-Yes. -Mm-hmm.

Hold, please.

- There. - Hmm.

Feast your eyes.

Okay. I take back my ew.

This Swiss is bliss, honey.

I'm starting to think dairy was underrated.

- He's cute. - Oh, my God.

Please. Ugh.

This is stupid.

No. He's just committed to his brand.

- Show us more. - All right.

There.

See? He's cheesy.

Now, in queso you were wondering,

he's actually kind of cute.

I'm totally melting.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Enough with the puns.

I can't help it. They're too easy.

Clearly. Oh, no.

Anyway, it's not gonna happen.

So far the guys in Florida aren't

too interested in the tan-less

new girl from the north.

Well, you could at least write him back.

Why? He's definitely one of those guys

that just like skates by on his looks.

Trust me. He's probably gonna make me do the entire thing

-and take credit. -You don't know that.

It's fine. Just let him sweat.

What's that?

Just hang on a second. I need to think.

Oh, yeah.

The train has left the station.

This is not good.

Annie?

It looks like

the train just derailed.

Tauntings? Really?

Annie, you can't do that.

You're just gonna rip off the plot

of every sitcom ever?

I don't know. I had to do something.

Smooth.

Oh, hell no!

Is that a Match.com alert?

That's exactly what that is.

Oh.

Ms. Fitzsimons has hit rock bottom.

Great. That's great.

Sell the house, traded my dad.

She's moved on.

She's probably gonna ditch me too.

Annie, I mean, it's not that big of a deal.

Guys, you know what?

Uh, I'm gonna have to hit you back.

All right. And, speaking of cheese, I'm...

gonna go take care of this.

Yes, I think you should.

Clearly, we can't list cropping as a special skill.

Smoking?

Who are you?

Okay.

Oh, my God!

Annie, there's a child present! No, no, no.

- What is it? - Nothing.

Let me see.

Just... just... just go.

Why can't I see all the good stuff?

I'm telling Mom.

Jesus!

This was sent to my mother!

Ew.

She'll "F"?

Dude.

"Shell," like Michelle.

No, but it reads Dr. She'll F, as in your mom is DTF.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, Ms. Fitzsimons must be cleaning up on here.

Yeah. I mean, she does have a lot of Match Mail.

Hello, George.

Maybe Florida isn't so bad after all.

Look, sorry, Annie,

but it looks like you guys are staying in Florida.

No, I'm not!

Okay. Well, let's see.

Your mom has a new badass job there.

Your house in New Jersey is about to be sold.

And your mom just wants to take long romantic walks on the beach

under the Florida sun.

Sorry, she's staying.

No! This... no. This is...

I need my life back.

If... if she just wants to... to up and move us,

then... then I... I will just move us back.

What?

That's it.

That's how I'm gonna get home. Okay.

If... if... if she wants to fall in love,

then we will just find love for her.

In Florida?

In Jersey.

Well, widen that location range, bish.

I mean, we have beaches here.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

I already know who she's gonna fall for.

You do? Who?

My dad.

We're gonna make my mom and dad fall in love again.

You know, there's clearly a reason

they're not together anymore.

Yeah, it's because of my mom.

We moved for her career,

and obviously she's making him sell the house.

And if she wasn't so selfish,

they would probably still be together.

All right. Let's recap.

Your mom and your dad got divorced.

Then they moved away from each other, okay?

There's no way in hell they're getting back together.

Annie, I have a bad feeling about this.

I am gonna be Michelle Fitzsimons for one day

and make my dad fall in love with her again.

Well, you may wanna start by making sure

no one else beats him to it.

Okay. Well, that's easy to fix.

Attention, passengers

of Newark Flight 1211.

Your flight will now be departing out of Gate 81.

Are you kidding me?

This place is the worst.

Okay. Um, I'll be back.

- Bye. - We'll be here.

Are you still at the airport?

Yes. Gate change.

At this rate, I will never be back in New Jersey.

So your mom seems like she's in a good mood.

You spoke to her?

Just texts, as usual.

Yeah, she's probably texting

'cause she's at that conference thing.

But she mentioned that

she'd love to hear your voice some time.

She did?

-Yeah. -Your mother?

Is that weird?

Uh, it's not her normal MO.

Hey, what about pizza tonight?

You need to be reminded of the good stuff.

Do they even have Italian out there?

Uh, some,

but it's mostly just a lot of fried fish.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

Meeting's about to start.

I'll be right there in a minute.

Go ahead and start without me.

Hey, text me when you're boarding, okay?

Yeah, I'm heading to my gate now, so...

Love you, kiddo.

Love you too.

Great.

Inappropriate.

Disruptive in...

No.

No, no. Okay. Nope.

Don't have time for this. Got things to do today.

Mrs. Beaver.

As a psychologist.

To your boss, Principal...

Waassuup?

Oh. Just FYI,

Goth is maybe not your best look, honey.

Hmm, don't I know it.

By the way, thanks for going the extra mile

with the pepperoni.

- Really nice. - Sure.

-Anything for you. -Christian!

The Ice Bucket Challenge was, like, four years ago.

And you're supposed to do it on your own head.

- It's for awareness. -Old-school challenge.

I like it.

Okay. Guys. Guys. We got him.

Got who?

My dad.

Uh, well, what did he say?

Well, what he didn't say is that my mother is the Antichrist,

so this is a giant step forward.

Annie, I think you should start thinking about all the reasons

they split in the first place.

Yeah. I mean, your parents fought

like amateur MMA fighters.

Or we can remind them of things

that brought them together in the first place.

They fell in love once, but I just need to find an in.

Okay.

Well, I know that men like it when you're straightforward,

so why don't you just straight up ask him,

"Why did we end things?"

All right.

Why...

What did you say?

Yeah. Share the screen.

Oh, no.

Annie, that... that doesn't even sound like your mother.

And you spelled break wrong.

Oh, crap!

Oh, guys, in other news,

because believe it or not, there are other things going on

outside of this made for TV movie of The Parent Trap.

Are we gonna be seeing you tonight?

Yeah. Absolutely.

I mean, if I ever get out of here.

Oh, come on!

Like she needs a bigger fan base.

What?

She's a featured single now.

I mean, yeah, she's hot.

We can change this.

She'll be single forever at this rate.

Cha-chas?

Um...

Are you having a stroke?

Uh, what is the word for all of the small

pointless crap that our mothers have?

You mean knickknacks?

-No. -Trinkets, right?

My grandmother used to have all these little baby dolls.

They're literally like her babies.

And they were made out of sewing thimbles.

And I think they had a real human hair.

Uh, no.

But should you maybe look into your grandmother

being a serial killer?

Right.

Oh, um, uh, pochkies?

Oh, uh...

No, no, no. Wait. Um...

-Uh... -Tcho... tchotchkes.

- Yes. Yes. Tchotchkes. - Tchotchkes.

I think there might be a silent T in there..

A T?

Where?

Yeah, not even close.

- Oh. - In the beginning?

-That's not right. -I know it's not.

Uh, you... you know what?

I think she might get less hits if you just leave cha-chas.

-Mm-hmm. -Right.

Okay. Moving on.

Hold up.

I wouldn't mind calling him daddy.

-Honestly? -I'm just saying.

-Honestly? Really? -You're lying if you don't...

-Okay. She's kind of right. -I'm not...

But do we have to call him daddy?

-She's kind of right. -Do we have to call him daddy?

Show of hands if we have to call him daddy.

I'm outnumbered. Okay.

Fine.

Just one more finishing touch here.

Actually, what's worse than a cat lady?

Bag lady.

Lunch lady.

Mmm, no. What else?

Bird lady.

Bingo.

Ah, crazy bird lady.

Yeah, that's the worst. She's toast.

Okay.

What's next?

She joined the PTA?

Oh.

Yeah, there's more single dads in PTA

than in Soul Cycle on a Saturday morning.

- Oh. - No.

And if she bakes one good batch of muffins,

those dads will be lined up around the block to date her.

-Yeah, they will. -Oh, great.

Okay. Susan Adams.

Susan Adams. Who are you?

Susan Adams. Susan Adams.

Stupid name.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

Wait. What?

What?

My urine? What?

Okay. What is happening?

This PTA person

wants my mom to check if I'm on drugs.

Okay. All right. Stop. No, no, no.

Cannot let Susan Adams get us off track.

I'm trying to get my parents back together.

Can't deal with PTA mom.

Right. Okay.

Um...

next, I think we just need to add a little romance

in the equation,

set the mood, if you know what I mean.

Okay.

I'm listening.

Didn't you once tell me that your parents

met at the Bruce concert?

Yes.

My mom

snuck into an empty seat in the first row.

And it was my dad's seat. He was on a beer run.

And it was

the music or the alcohol,

but I was born nine months later.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay.

So...

Well, Bruce is playing next month in Jersey.

My parents literally just got tickets.

Wait.

'Cause that's actually perfect.

Great.

I'll just get the floor seats

like when they met, right?

Oh.

Floor seats are gonna cost you, though.

Well, they're gonna cost Michelle.

And you can't put a price on love, so...

Oh, they're gonna have a blast.

Get ready for the show of a lifetime.

And thank you, autosave.

Okay. So your parents are being civil to each other.

Uh, you've killed the sale on your house.

Um, you made your mom undatable.

And thanks to the help from the boss,

we've put love on the table.

Next...

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, you know I am.

It's time for a little victory dance.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Annie. You gotta move.

No, I don't. 'Cause I'm in the airport.

No.

Oh, but you can.

You know the rules.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

♪ This is why You don't mess with me ♪

♪ See, I'm technically Best there ever be ♪

♪ Yes, I'm blessed indeed So don't test me, please ♪

♪ I am Hercules I unleash the beast ♪

♪ I ain't dressed to please I am dressed for me ♪

♪ Way they step to me It's like chess to me ♪

♪ See these nobodies Try and kill the queen ♪

♪ You get best of three Then it's time for me ♪

Sometimes, you just need to move.

Am I right, sir?

It's Cheezbud again.

Hold, please.

Oh, my gosh!

Annie. Hey.

Are you still in Florida?

Niedermeier?

What are you doing here? Where is Lindsey and Trinity?

Relax, Gator Girl.

Don't call me that.

I need Lindsey now.

Is there something I can do?

No, I don't think so.

And I thought this was a private chat.

How'd get in here?

Oh, Linds sent me the link.

We want us to talk about what we're doing tonight?

We?

How do you like me now?

I'm totally fine. I'm doing good.

Oh, my God. You scared me.

You are crazy.

-I know. -You are crazy.

Okay. So, Annie, I have to know,

how is Florida? How's everything?

It's fantastic. Where's Lindsey?

I'm here. I'm here.

Still alive.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, Allison just wanted to check in

on our plans for tonight.

When did you guys start hanging out?

- About a month? - Four weeks?

It's like a couple of months ago?

We're all in the same physics class.

Trinity is not taking science this year.

No, yeah, I am.

-You are? -Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I convinced her it would look way better

on her transcripts.

Bless you.

Okay. Whatever, then.

So, what's the latest, Annie?

Any new developments?

Developments?

Annie, are we talking about a guy?

Somebody has to fill me in.

-Come on. -Mm-hmm.

So, Annie's trying to get her parents back together.

Oh, my gosh.

I can totally help you.

I am a fantastic matchmaker.

Right now, I'm in the middle of setting up

Lindsey and Sawyer.

-Mm-hmm. -Sawyer Stone?

Lindsey hates him.

No, I don't.

-Yes, you do. -No, she doesn't.

-Yes, she does. -No, she doesn't.

-Yes, she does. -No, she doesn't!

Yeah!

And last month she was crushing on Cindy Swain,

and before that it was Brandon Peterson,

and before that Debbie Grossman,

and before that it was Sailor Moon

and Peppermint freaking Patty!

Okay. I'm sorry,

but who doesn't think Peppermint Patty

is a total smoke show?

Oh. Sorry. That's me. I gotta go.

But, um, text our group chat later

and let me know the plan for the weekend.

Yeah.

I'll see you soon, Annie.

Allison Niedermeier? Seriously?

Annie...

Her dad owns The Big Doughnut Hole on Main.

We get all the doughnuts we can eat for free.

That's great. That's great. No, no, no.

I'm really happy for you guys

and all the free crullers you're enjoying.

Annie, you're making this bigger than it needs to be.

Am I?

Because Allison Niedermeier

was never someone that

we would have hung out with.

Well, she is now.

The Cheez seems to be melting, apparently.

I'll be back.

Hey. Hey.

Uh, sorry. This is so much easier.

I have the typing skills of a boomer.

Right.

Are you... are you at the DMV?

Oh, it's the airport.

I'm visiting my dad in Jersey.

Jersey. What exit?

Ha ha. Very funny.

-Yeah. -Very good.

Is that the best you've got?

You know. So, what are you thinking?

I can take, uh, chapters one through three

and you can take four through six?

-Does that... does that work? -Yeah. That's fine.

Nice, nice, nice, nice.

Okay. Great. So is that good, then?

Uh, so I started reading the book,

and I found what, uh, what Jake

said to Robert about going to South America

really interesting.

I mean, the whole idea of going to a new place

and creating an identity

and why we shouldn't do that.

-Ew, no. -I know.

-I know. So stupid. -Oh, no.

Sorry. Not you. What you said was great.

Yeah. And also

the part of... of living life to the fullest.

'Cause I was thinking,

you and me and our classmates,

we've already lived what, like a third of our lives,

so, I don't know, it's just...

No, we haven't.

We would only live to 48 if that were the case.

And we finally figured out why I'm still in Algebra 1.

Right.

Um, but, yes, I... I get your point,

uh, and I'm happy to take on four through six.

I haven't figured out my discussion points yet,

but I'll just keep you posted.

-Cool. -Cool.

So, um, I was thinking

we can get this done today.

There's a big science project due next week.

And not to mention, I'm one of those dudes that

just hates leaving the homework till the last minute.

Right, I'm kind of in the middle of...

I... have to go.

What?

Son of a nut.

Okay. Time to go next level on this.

Temperature changes,

lights,

scents.

All right.

I'm referring to the...

No, no.

My concern is to...

Who the hell is Kourtney?

Hey, are you there?

I'm here. I'm here. Barely.

-Waassuup? -No, no, no, no.

What is up, Annie?

I think my dad has a girlfriend.

Her name is Kourtney. It's spelled with a "K."

So, that's what I'm up against.

Ow!

-Who is she? -I don't know.

My dad is planning to introduce me to her this weekend.

Okay. Well, check your dad's Instagram.

Maybe she's on there.

My dad doesn't do Instagram.

Facebook. Old people use Facebook.

Ouch!

Come on.

Grandma? Seriously?

-Christian! -What did Grandma do?

She...

Oh, my goodness. Trinity, you look like a drag queen.

Thank you. That's exactly what I was going for.

Anyway, what did Grandma do?

She... met Kourtney.

Grandma?

Dang, your dad's hooking up with a hottie.

No, no, no. They're not hooking up.

No, it... it's... they're... They're just friends.

Friends? Okay. Check his relationship status.

Okay. That doesn't mean anything. What does hers say?

Uh, checking.

Kourtney with a "K."

Okay. So she's in a relationship. Fine.

That doesn't mean it's with my dad.

Mr. B!

Didn't know he had it in him.

Oh, text anxiety is the worse.

Come on, Annie, be nice.

Ew.

She is a married woman, pervert!

Technically divorced. What's going on?

Shit, shit, shit! It's my mom.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, great. You're still there.

If you consider a two-hour flight delay

and a gate change great then...

Honey. Honey.

I need another file. It's really important.

It's my opening speech, and I go on in five minutes.

-Okay. -Go back to the...

Go back to the ISIS folder.

-All right. -Do you see it?

Do you see it?

- I see it. I see it. - Annie, hurry.

Send it.

Jeez. No please. No thank you.

Speech.

What the F, Tom?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What?

How...

Hey. Hi. We have an emergency.

My mom's got legit interest on Match.

Okay. How legit?

Like I think she's made a Match!

We need to up our game.

Annie, I don't know if I wanna play anymore.

Yeah, me either. I mean,

your dad's banging a ten, and he's happy.

And your mom's clearly living her best life in Florida

and is very popular in the online dating world.

Okay. What about me?

Am I happy?

No.

I would do this for the both of you, and you know it.

Come on, woman up. I need ideas.

Uh, my dad always sends flowers

when he's in the dog house.

Okay. Does that work?

It's hard to say.

The house is starting to look like a flower shop.

Oh, cookies!

My mom and dad used to send

each other actual cookies on Valentine's Day.

Like the big ones

with the messages written in frosting.

I'll just order one for my dad from my mom,

and I'll send it to his office.

Okay. Fine.

But you're gonna need to screen us.

Not now, Monica.

Who's that?

It's the real estate agent.

She's, like, stalking me... stalking my mom.

Annie, what real estate mess have you made?

Nothing for you to worry about.

I worry about everything, you know that.

This could be an issue.

Okay.

Uh, maybe we should discuss what just happened here?

Wow. You sound just like my mother. Okay.

Moving on. What should I write?

I mean, given your dad's interest

in Kourtney with a "K,"

I don't know, maybe a wink or any emoji will do.

No, no, no. This has to seal the deal.

It has to be meaningful and impactful.

Straight to the point.

Direct.

And... done.

-Hmm, shizer. -What up?

The cookie heart isn't available for delivery.

It's pickup only.

Hey. Hey, don't even think about asking.

I'm still on a learner's permit.

I know someone with a car.

So how do you already have your license, Allison?

- Were you held back? - No. No.

It's amazing how the law bends

when your dad owns a local doughnut shop.

-Hey, Annie. -The eagle has landed.

- Oh, I want some. -I repeat, the eagle has landed.

Uh, all right. Good. The office isn't that far from there.

It's just a right onto Rumson Road

and then a left on Industrial Way.

I gotta bounce real quick.

-Let me... let me call you back. -Okay. Bye.

Found you.

Good afternoon. Hello.

Thank you so much.

It's really a pleasure

to be with you today.

Why men great till they gotta be great?

I just took a DNA test.

Turns out I'm a hundred percent that bitch.

I am so sorry. I... I apologize.

Uh, obviously... just give me a minute. Um...

Okay. One more spot.

And I think we're almost ready.

I mean, is anyone gonna believe he's the delivery guy?

He's delivering cookies. No one's even gonna notice him.

Why are we doing this, again?

Because we're on a mission.

And your sister is gonna give you twenty bucks.

Really? -I am?

- You are. - Okay. Great. Good.

Is... is everybody ready? Is everybody good?

Chris, you good?

Yeah. Whatever.

All right. You're gonna be great, bud.

You just be your cute self, and no one will think twice.

Oh, and if anyone asks,

your Mike's son in Accounting, okay?

Okay.

Okay. And everyone can log into GoPro.

Password, OperationlDidltAllForTheCookie.

Seems like an unnecessarily long password.

-That's... okay. -Okay.

I think we're good to go.

All right, buddy. Move, move, move.

- I'm moving. - Okay. Cool.

Did you, uh, tell him where to go?

Uh, we just told him to drop it by the front desk.

Oh, hello.

Okay. He's almost there.

Oh, perfect. Nobody's there.

Just... just tell him to just drop it and go.

-I can't talk to him. -What?

It's not a two-way feed, Annie.

Cookie cake? Cookie cake.

Yes. Good. Great. Good job, buddy.

Go. Get... leave. Get out of there.

Uh, hello?

Come on, Chris. What are you waiting for?

Delivery.

Anyone?

That's Kourtney! That's Kourtney!

-That's literally... -Hey there, little guy.

What do you got there?

She works with my dad.

Ooh, office romance?

-Scandalous. -Leave.

Leave. Leave.

Mike's son in Accounting.

Leave. Leave.

- It's addressed to Jason. - Leave.

I missed you? -Shit! She sees it's for my dad.

-Shit! -Who sent you?

Abort! Get him out of there! Shit!

Mike's boobs in accounting.

What? Who sent you?

Hey! Who sent you?

Mike's son in accounting!

Are you okay?

I saw boobies.

That was a disaster.

We gave it our best shot, Annie.

Well, that's not good enough, Lindsey.

Yeah, we're all just trying to help you, Annie.

What is this "we're all" shit, Allison?

You're not a part of this.

You're the getaway driver who brings free donuts.

Okay. That's not cool, Annie.

No. What's not cool, Trinity,

is that my dad is gonna call my mom now,

and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in a swamp.

Oh, no.

If your child needs you,

give them the little knowledge

of how you laugh,

of how you love,

of how you suffer,

of how you start, of how you stop,

of how you feel,

and how you believe.

As parents, this really is...

all we can do.

And never pretend to know

more than you know

or to have acquired more knowledge in this life

than you actually have.

For if you do,

you will not only deepen the unseen bruise,

you'll actually inflict a wound.

Thank you so much.

Oh. Hey. Hey.

Hey.

So I just, um, I reread the assignment

and realized that partnership skills

is actually, like, half the grade,

so I have no choice but to work with you.

But... but I... I... I can just do everything and...

And all you have to do is read off my notes,

if you can handle that,

or if you're not too embarrassed,

or too cool to work with me.

No. You're great.

Just... I'm not embarrassed.

-Oh. -And, believe me,

I'm... I'm not cool.

I'm actually, like, a total jerk, so...

Oh, I don't know about a total jerk.

Maybe like 50%.

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

I'm just kind of going through a thing.

Yeah, I get it.

No, I get it.

Uh, new school, new friends.

Old friends...

Old friends.

Okay. Well, uh, talk to the Cheez.

Uh, I'm a good listener.

What's going on?

Um...

I've messed up everything.

Okay.

My dad's relationship

with Kourtney with a "K."

My mom's relationship with Tom somebody.

My mom's relationship, such as it is, with my dad.

My mom's job.

Possibly my friends' relationship

with Allison Niedermeier.

-Jeez. -Cookies. Work. School.

-Yeah. -You.

You name it.

So, listen, um,

obviously you're... you're a nice person.

Yeah...

No, no, no. Trust me.

I, uh, I know these things, okay?

All you need to do is just... just check yourself.

Like, get back on track.

Just apologize, and all will be forgiven.

How do you know that?

Because I've already forgiven you, that's how.

Where do I even start?

You, uh, you start with the low-hanging fruit,

and then you go from there. The fruit and...

Thank you.

Of course. My pleasure.

And I'm... I'm totally gonna do my part of the assignment.

Okay. Good, 'cause I actually don't know anything

about that book.

What I said before?

Google.

I'm... I'm actually really glad

that you asked to be my partner.

Me too. Um, so I'll...

I'll talk to you later?

Definitely.

Waassuup?

We were looking forward to you coming back

for a really long time now.

And we totally understand

that you're going through a hard time,

but we only went through with your plans

because we love you.

Believe it or not, we had other plans

outside of ruining your parents' lives this weekend.

Like hanging out with Allison Niedermeier?

Cut her some slack, okay? She's really not that bad.

Yeah.

I mean, did you really think your whole plan

to get your parents back together

so that you can move back to New Jersey was gonna work?

I don't know.

I was hoping it would.

Annie, you really need to give Florida

and your mom a chance.

And Cheezbud...

I hate it when you sound so wise.

Don't worry.

I haven't completely lost my mind.

I didn't really think that Sean Greene

was gonna ask me to Homecoming.

I think if you still lived here, he would have asked you.

Lindsey, I'm sorry.

Look, Annie,

we've been friends for such a long time. And...

And, yeah, we may take each other

for granted now and then.

And, yeah, I... I totally get it

why you'd feel weird about Allison.

But... but trust me, we're not replacing you.

We could never replace you.

You make this work.

No. No.

Honestly, I... I... I was just being jealous.

I was acting ridiculous.

I... I don't... I don't care about Allison.

It was the free doughnuts that I was bummed about.

But, seriously,

you guys are amazing,

loyal,

patient friends.

And I'm sorry about everything today.

Really, this whole thing was just... I don't even know.

Uh, you guys, we may have a bigger issue.

So somebody from the office

posted a cookie video, and it's gone viral.

I can't believe

that you're cheating on me!

What? No! Of course, I'm not!

Wait. Kourtney, I would like a piece of that cake

-before it's... -This is garbage, Alan!

-Garbage! -No. No.

Look... look, party's over, okay?

-Look... -No.

you... you gotta calm down.

I think it says "To you. I miss you."

Who misses you, Jason? Who?

Uh-oh. Incoming. Incoming.

Yeah, Kourtney with a "K" is trending.

Okay. Look, look, look.

I can explain, but you gotta calm down.

You're acting crazy.

Oh, no. He said the "C" word.

Okay. Wait.

I'm crazy?

What kind of guy introduces you to his mother and then cheats?

No. I never... I never cheated.

Hey, not cool.

It was my ex.

She'd been acting crazy all day.

Oh, really? Now it's your ex?

She's been acting crazy all day?

It's everybody but you, huh?

Yes!

You know what?

Enjoy your cake.

Okay. I'll be back, hopefully.

What now?

Uh, no, Dad.

Annie, what are you doing with your mom's phone?

I have her computer.

Oh, is everything okay?

Uh, no.

Not really.

Um, Dad, it was me the whole day.

I was the one that was texting you.

I sent you that cookie.

Annie, what were you thinking?

I don't know. I...

I was trying to get you and mom back together.

Why? We were terrible together.

Not always.

You know...

You know, your mom sacrificed her whole career

so that I could pursue my dreams as a sports reporter?

She always planned on going back to work,

I just kept getting busier.

And as I was traveling, she was always alone.

She took care of you all by herself.

And now she got this amazing opportunity.

She deserves it.

I don't know, sometimes it just feels like

she's not even thinking about what I want.

Are you kidding me?

This is all about you, Annie.

She moved you to Florida so that you could see

that it was okay to take risks.

That you could have New Jersey but you could also have more.

She's following her dreams so you can see

that it's okay to follow yours.

She loves you the most.

Even though it pains me to say it, she's...

she's a much better parent than I am.

Are you still dating Kourtney?

I should show you the video.

Oh, I saw it.

I'm sorry.

Uh, it's okay, kiddo.

You... you're under a lot of pressure.

She wasn't the one, anyway, and, you know,

work's gonna be a little messy for a bit but...

And Mom?

Man, you are stubborn.

Mom was the one for a very long time,

but she's not anymore.

And that's okay.

Speaking of your mother, does she know about all this?

No.

But I'm sure she is piecing together

a lot of bad news as we speak.

Hmm.

You gotta do the right thing, kiddo.

Yeah, I know.

Love you.

I love you too.

-Oh, Dad, you... -Mm-hmm?

You got it on your...

-More right here? -On the... yep.

-Right there, actually. -Right here?

Yep. Yep.

Yeah. You just can't... There's more now somehow.

-That's... -Oh.

You... you didn't... uh, you know what?

It's just... it's everywhere. It's everywhere.

If... if you could just... yeah.

Listen, I'll see you later.

There's... okay. All right.

-I love you. -Love you.

I have tried to give you space.

I've tried to protect you.

I've tried to respect your process.

I know.

You do?

Yes.

Now I do.

I know a lot of things now.

I know you stopped talking to Tom

because you were worried how I would react to it.

And I know that you were pushing dad

to help me with my science project

because you didn't want me to fail.

There is still one thing that I don't understand

and that's why you and dad split up.

I can learn to like Florida. I honestly can.

I can get used to seeing old man die in their soup.

A nap, Annie.

-It wasn't a nap. -It was a nap.

He was dead. He was gone. And we disagree about this

and we don't have to talk about it.

I... I don't expect you and dad to get back together,

but I would just like to know why.

It was mutual.

I know it was unexpected for you.

Yeah.

And both dad and I just knew that our marriage

wasn't right for us anymore.

And I...

I don't wanna marry your dad again.

But that doesn't mean I hate him.

He helped me raise you. I mean, you.

I'll always kind of love him for that.

Okay. So there's a few things I should probably tell you.

Okay.

Um, you've probably been banned from PTA.

-I can live with that. -Okay.

Um, you should probably consider

deleting your account on Match.com.

Okay. What else?

I'm sorry for everything.

And I would really like to meet Tom.

That ship has sailed.

No. No. He reached out to you.

-He did? -Yeah.

Can we message him back?

Yeah.

I guess.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll... I'll... I'll do it, and I'll, uh,

share my screen with you.

He winked at me.

Yeah.

He's pretty funny.

What should we say?

Uh, we should keep it casual.

Hey, everything's great.

Uh, I...

uh, how about coffee?

- I like it. Write that. - Okay.

Hold on. I'm getting an alert.

A Nordstrom's...

charge for $4,000?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So almost everything is exchangeable.

Um, oh, and, hey, in other news, uh, I think we sold the house.

So, you know, that all probably evens out.

Wait a minute. Didn't you drop your phone in the toilet?

I sure did.

Okay. So where are you calling me from now?

Your laptop.

Turns out I'm not the only one with an easy password.

Wait.

No. What?

No. Mom?

No, no, no. What do you mean?

Don't. Mom. Mom. Mom.

Mom, stop.

- Oh, honey... - Don't. Don't.

-No, no, no. - I gotta run.

No, no, no. Mom.

-Mommy. Mom. -Call me when you land.

-Mommy. What? No. No. -Love you, darling.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

♪ You say ta-ta, I say pop-pop ♪

♪ I don't give an ah, I just want him for an ah ♪

Christian, come here, you little psycho.