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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,052 - Previously on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger. 2 00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:11,272 I've never really had a zit before. 3 00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:12,229 Ever? 4 00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:14,275 I'm sure you have so much in common 5 00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,668 with that vapid cooze Jenny. 6 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,409 - Do you have Lady Gaga? - Or Katy Perry? 7 00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:20,237 I don't have... those. 8 00:00:29,507 --> 00:00:31,031 - Awww! - Whoa. 9 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:34,599 This place is dangerous, Berger. 10 00:00:34,643 --> 00:00:36,732 No wonder why I never come in here. 11 00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:38,255 Good one, Max. 12 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:39,865 Every once in a while 13 00:00:39,909 --> 00:00:43,565 Max remembers the school has a library, 14 00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:47,090 so I'm forced to study with Miles. 15 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,658 Hey, does sex feel like this? 16 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,054 Or like this? 17 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:56,621 In times like these, 18 00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,058 I normally consider my home 19 00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,147 a fortress of studious solitude, 20 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,279 but ever since my parents split, 21 00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:04,934 I feel like my world's been splitting with them. 22 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,805 All those channels for free? 23 00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,590 Even the dirty ones? 24 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,418 Whoever will I watch them with? 25 00:01:10,461 --> 00:01:12,898 Can I get you some wine? 26 00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:16,076 They say divorce turns parents into children 27 00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:18,295 and children into parents. 28 00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:20,689 Come on, God, give Ricky some boob tube. 29 00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:22,299 What they don't tell you 30 00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,823 is that it turns everyone into train wrecks. 31 00:01:29,306 --> 00:01:30,655 What are we watching? 32 00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:33,441 Only channel the motel gets. 33 00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:37,836 And this particular train 34 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,406 has wrecked right into my grades. 35 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,842 I'm disappointed, RJ. 36 00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:47,107 That's the third straight decline. 37 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:50,632 But a big fat "A" for you, Miles. 38 00:01:50,675 --> 00:01:52,590 Thanks. 39 00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,248 My name is RJ Berger, 40 00:01:58,292 --> 00:02:01,860 and my life is literally rotting my brain. 41 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:21,184 Mrs. K really boils the man gravy, huh? 42 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,621 Ah, she's the hottest sub ever. 43 00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:24,927 I'm gonna miss her. 44 00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:27,147 These grades don't make any sense. 45 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:28,235 Did you even study for this? 46 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:29,453 Hells no! 47 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,325 I don't even know what this test is about! 48 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,979 Eyes up front please. 49 00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:35,329 You don't have to ask me twice, Mrs. K. 50 00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:42,118 So you plan on getting in Jenny's pink 51 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,380 sometime this century? 52 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:44,990 - I don't know. - I guess so. 53 00:02:45,034 --> 00:02:47,732 - "I guess so"? - Are you nuts? 54 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,734 You've been wanting to lay strings across that mug 55 00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:50,735 since you were a kid. 56 00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:52,520 It's your destiny. 57 00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:55,044 Honestly, Miles, I don't know anymore. 58 00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,002 Jenny's been really weird lately. 59 00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,265 First there was the lock-in, 60 00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:00,832 then the whole zit incident. 61 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,748 And now, on top of that, my grades are dropping 62 00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:05,402 like a... 63 00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:08,405 like a... 64 00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:09,450 Nothing. I got nothing. 65 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,800 Dude, who cares? 66 00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,890 It's time for you to stop thinking and start boning. 67 00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:17,284 Mr. Jenner. 68 00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:18,546 Oh, crap. 69 00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:20,112 Miles, please come and see me 70 00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:22,114 during my free period. 71 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,250 RJ, hey, wait up. 72 00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:28,730 Hey. 73 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,340 Hey, Mr. Mopey. 74 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:31,602 Guess what? 75 00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,952 My parents are going out of town Friday. 76 00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,563 You know what that means. 77 00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:37,086 Yeah, assuming I'm ever allowed 78 00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:37,869 out of the apartment again. 79 00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,567 What? 80 00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:41,090 I'm practically flunking all of my classes, 81 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,526 and I just found out that my parents 82 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,355 are coming in for a crisis meeting about my grades. 83 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:47,139 I'm sure you'll find a way to fix it. 84 00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,490 They haven't been in the same room together in weeks, 85 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:50,621 and the first time they do, 86 00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,101 it's to discuss their idiot son. 87 00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:54,277 Maybe it'll be good for them to see each other. 88 00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,670 Good for them to see each other? 89 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,628 It is going to be a battle royale. 90 00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,151 It's gonna be a bloodbath! It's... 91 00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:01,676 It's gonna be, fine, RJ. 92 00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,243 Look, I'm sorry. 93 00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:06,202 I know you've had a tough few weeks. 94 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,336 I mean, we kind of hit our own little rough patch. 95 00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:13,340 That's why I want to make Friday night really special. 96 00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:16,691 Me and you are finally gonna lose our virginity. 97 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,743 - Our virginity. - Can't wait. 98 00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,528 There's more where that came from. 99 00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,710 Oh, so now it's my fault 100 00:04:35,753 --> 00:04:37,189 that he can't study at your flea bag hooker motel. 101 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,582 Mom, dad, please! 102 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,410 Don't tell me there aren't hookers there, 103 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,933 because we used to pick them up together. 104 00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:43,283 Mr. And Mrs. Berger! 105 00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:45,110 This is a counselor-parent meeting. 106 00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,851 Save that crap for Montel. 107 00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,200 Sorry. 108 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,724 Yeah. 109 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:52,074 Now, I called you in today because it's apparent... 110 00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,728 No, I take that back. 111 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,904 It's friggin' obvious that RJ's home life 112 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:56,905 is affecting his grades. 113 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,341 Well... 114 00:04:58,385 --> 00:04:59,951 I'm putting RJ on academic probation. 115 00:04:59,995 --> 00:05:02,258 RJ, you're gonna be meeting in the library 116 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,956 for tutoring three days a week, effective immediately. 117 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,262 - What? - No, no, no, but... But... 118 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,916 - Butts are for toilet seats, - Berger. 119 00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:16,620 Now I'm gonna be checking in with his... teachers daily... 120 00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:19,710 and... and reporting back to you regularly. 121 00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:29,938 In the meantime, you two keep that crap bottled up 122 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,549 when you're around his impressionable young mind. 123 00:05:32,593 --> 00:05:34,638 Fine. 124 00:05:34,682 --> 00:05:36,684 Try and tone it down. 125 00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:44,648 I, uh, appreciate you coming in, Mrs. Berger. 126 00:05:44,692 --> 00:05:47,390 Well, thank you, coach Sinclair. 127 00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,087 It's nice to know there are still a few gentlemen 128 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:50,437 left in the world. 129 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,438 You're welcome. 130 00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,004 And, please, call me Jeriba. 131 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,832 Jeriba. 132 00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:58,096 Mm-hmm. 133 00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,642 ♪ Call the doctor 134 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:24,079 ♪ Check my pulse 135 00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:25,602 ♪ Something hit me 136 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:29,127 ♪ Like a cannonball 137 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:31,216 ♪ Ears are ringing but I 138 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,914 ♪ Feel no pain 139 00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:35,395 ♪ Just a sweet sensation 140 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,614 ♪ Running through my veins 141 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:40,530 ♪ You got me love shot honey ♪ 142 00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:41,923 ♪ Right in the head 143 00:06:41,966 --> 00:06:45,796 Do you want to see my pooter? 144 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,494 What? 145 00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:49,670 I said are you here to see a tutor? 146 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,889 - Uh, yes. - Yes. 147 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,109 I'm... lam here to see a... tutor. 148 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:57,417 Yeah, were you just picturing me naked? 149 00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,723 - What? No... - Is... I would... 150 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,638 Girls can tell when you're doing that, you know. 151 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:03,597 - Well, sorry. I... - I was not doing... 152 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,250 Yeah? You can tell when I do that? 153 00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:06,251 I can. 154 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:07,383 And stop saying "I'm sorry." 155 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,603 - it makes people hate you. - Sorry. 156 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,387 RJ, right? 157 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,998 I'm Amy, and you're coming with me. 158 00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:15,522 Okay, so it says here you're smart. 159 00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:18,220 At least you used to be. Till recently. 160 00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:19,961 Okay, so what's your deal? 161 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,832 Drugs, or...? 162 00:07:21,876 --> 00:07:26,054 You mean why are my grades dropping like... 163 00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:28,012 like... 164 00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:29,971 Like preteen panties at a Justin Bieber concert. 165 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:30,754 Yeah. 166 00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,060 Yeah. 167 00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:35,280 Um, uh... 168 00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,805 my parents are getting divorced, 169 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:42,592 and, um, uh, my girlfriend doesn't get it, 170 00:07:42,636 --> 00:07:46,161 and everyone else just sort of thinks I'm a loser, 171 00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,119 so it's just kind of hard. 172 00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,860 Wow. 173 00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:51,514 That is pathetic. 174 00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:52,820 What? 175 00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,125 Hey, you might as well have just said, 176 00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:55,605 "I'm in high school." 177 00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:56,563 you know, everybody has those problems. 178 00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,042 They do? 179 00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,653 Yeah, I mean, my parents got divorced last year, 180 00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,916 and, yeah, I thought it was all my fault, 181 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,004 and, yeah, it really messed me up. 182 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,614 I'm sorry. 183 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:05,485 But then, you know, things got better, right? 184 00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:08,400 - It got worse. - It got way worse. 185 00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,141 Yeah, but then you have to realize that, you know, 186 00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:11,447 that stuff is their life, 187 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,405 and you have to live yours. 188 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:15,886 That's all you can do. 189 00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,018 That's it? 190 00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:19,760 That's it. 191 00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,413 All right, now let's see what Mr. Python pants' 192 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:23,024 big old bulging brain can do 193 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,200 when he's not worrying about everyone else in the world. 194 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:28,856 You know about that? 195 00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,162 Yeah, everybody knows about that. 196 00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:51,879 Mrs. K, you wanted to see me? 197 00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,837 Would you excuse us, please? 198 00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:56,100 - Okay, Mrs. K. - I'll wait in the hall. 199 00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:04,500 Look, Mrs. K, 200 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,197 if this is about me talking, 201 00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:07,895 I just want you to know that it's not gonna happen agai... 202 00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,157 Shut up, Miles. 203 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,462 Whoa. 204 00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:12,073 - Put your arms up. - Hmm? 205 00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:18,035 Oh, God. 206 00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:20,690 Oh, would you look at that. 207 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:23,214 Hey, if this is some fat hate crime... 208 00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:24,564 Mm. 209 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:29,351 I have been watching you walk that sweet doughy ass 210 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,135 in and out of my class for the last three weeks, 211 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:34,486 and I can't stand the thought of leaving without a taste. 212 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,140 - Then taste me. - Taste me! 213 00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:39,666 Ugh, you're like a teddy bear made out of marshmallows. 214 00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:41,972 Ooh, I can barely get my leg around you. 215 00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,278 Yeah! 216 00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:46,063 - Ooh, no. - Not yet. 217 00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,499 It has to be perfect. 218 00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,719 - This is perfect. - I love this. 219 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:52,461 I have six pornos where this exact thing happens. 220 00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:57,031 Oh, Miles, Miles, my sweet, sweet Goliath, 221 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,380 this will happen. 222 00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,820 Meet me after lunch tomorrow. 223 00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:06,170 Eat hearty. Have seconds. 224 00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,869 I will. 225 00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,656 You like this cannoli, right? 226 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,355 Uh, yeah, looks pretty go... 227 00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,358 Well, I have something much, much sweeter, 228 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:24,275 and you are gonna eat it all up, big boy. 229 00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,940 Dude, we are completely boob to boob. 230 00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:39,290 I mean, I'm flagpoling just thinking about it. 231 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,814 She's into big guys, RJ. 232 00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,554 She's a teacher, Miles. 233 00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,295 Mr. Bonaventure is a teacher. 234 00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,516 Sir. 235 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:50,084 - Mrs. K, she's a tilf. - A tilf? 236 00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:51,520 Yeah, teacher I'd like to... 237 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,478 Okay, look, I know this is the most awesome thing 238 00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:54,784 that's ever happened to you, 239 00:10:54,828 --> 00:10:56,960 but bear in mind, nothing good will come of this. 240 00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,788 Wow, RJ. 241 00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:01,095 Can't you just be happy for me for once? 242 00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:03,140 It's my turn to get the "V" monkey off my back. 243 00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,707 You've already busted your cherry. 244 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,404 Yes, with a girl my own age. 245 00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:08,145 Yeah, with a girl on her deathbed. 246 00:11:08,189 --> 00:11:10,234 - Aah. - Please keep that down. 247 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:11,845 If Jenny hears, I'm dead. 248 00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,151 Oh, and while you're busy judging me, 249 00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:16,458 I'll bet our friendship that you've already fantasized 250 00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,720 about two-timing with your tutor. 251 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:20,375 Amy is different, okay? 252 00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:24,901 She's 17, she's a tutor... 253 00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,163 She... And you know what? 254 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,687 She's just a cool chick. 255 00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:31,516 RJ, 99% of the world's great calamities 256 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,910 began with the words, "She's just a cool chick." 257 00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:37,305 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 258 00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:38,741 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 259 00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,440 Oh, yes! 260 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:46,009 Put those nuts on my chest! 261 00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:48,011 - And, uh... - Oh! 262 00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,970 Uh, you said the whipped cream is next, right? 263 00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,493 Yes! 264 00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:53,103 Oh! 265 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:57,629 Man, you older chicks like it kinky. 266 00:11:57,673 --> 00:12:00,981 Eat it up, ice cream man. 267 00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:04,462 Let's do this. 268 00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,029 Whoa. 269 00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,465 I'm about to do it. 270 00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:10,120 You sure are, big boy. 271 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:13,036 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 272 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,734 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 273 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:16,561 - ♪ come on - ♪ teacher teach me 274 00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:19,869 Oh! 275 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:21,566 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 276 00:12:21,610 --> 00:12:23,177 - ♪ Come on - ♪ Teacher teach me 277 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,482 Whoo! 278 00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:25,875 That polynomial function was epic. 279 00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:29,009 That end value just... Off the chain. 280 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,619 Wow. 281 00:12:30,662 --> 00:12:31,838 It's a good thing you're cute, 282 00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:32,926 because that was hands down 283 00:12:32,969 --> 00:12:34,231 the nerdiest thing I have ever heard. 284 00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,406 Hey, RJ. 285 00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:37,365 Hey. 286 00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:40,237 Um, I'm sorry. 287 00:12:40,281 --> 00:12:41,412 This is my... My tutor, Amy. 288 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,413 Amy Bresner. 289 00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:46,200 Hi... Amy. 290 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,769 Um, I just wanted to talk to you about Friday night. 291 00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:54,251 But I guess you're busy, so... 292 00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:55,513 you want to talk later? 293 00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:58,299 I will talk to you later. 294 00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,127 - Okay. - Cool. 295 00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:07,569 So you and Jenny Swanson... 296 00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,397 It's weird, I know. 297 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,007 - Oh, it's... - Why is it weird? 298 00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,356 No, I mean, she's hot, 299 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,662 and you're, like, the coolest guy in school. 300 00:13:13,705 --> 00:13:16,796 You think I'm the coolest guy in school? 301 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,493 No. No. 302 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,930 And she definitely doesn't seem like the type of girl 303 00:13:20,974 --> 00:13:24,629 who gets off on epic polynomial end values. 304 00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,414 - She doesn't. - Believe me. 305 00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:29,417 So I ask again, 306 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,593 you and Jenny Swanson? 307 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,338 You did it in the broom closet? 308 00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,818 No, just her vagina. 309 00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:41,037 - No, no, no, I mean... - Never mind. 310 00:13:41,081 --> 00:13:42,560 Wow. 311 00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:45,999 Man, sex is not like squeezing a pastry at all, is it? 312 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,000 Not too much. 313 00:13:48,131 --> 00:13:50,481 You know, I think I was good at it. 314 00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:52,744 That's good for you. 315 00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:54,355 Kind of makes your junk itch though, huh? 316 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,922 Um, no? 317 00:13:55,965 --> 00:14:00,230 Really? 318 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:04,191 Some sort of bug. 319 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,366 Dude! 320 00:14:05,409 --> 00:14:07,237 Oh, my God! You have crabs. 321 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:08,891 RJ, calm down. 322 00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:13,243 It's just one tiny, little... 323 00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,766 Holy [bleep]! 324 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,246 I got crabs. 325 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:20,250 I get laid one time. 326 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,730 One time! 327 00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,558 And boom, my balls are an exhibit 328 00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:25,299 at crustacean nation. 329 00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,909 Dude, Mrs. K lied to you. 330 00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:30,347 Uh, it was more like a sin of omission. 331 00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,480 Plus you don't understand what Mrs. K and I have. 332 00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,134 Yes, I do. 333 00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:36,310 You have little animals living in your pubes. 334 00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,659 Whatever, dude. 335 00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:39,835 Here. I need you to grab my pants 336 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,837 so I can foam 'em up and shave 'em down. 337 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,404 You can't be serious. 338 00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:44,448 - What? - I'd do it for you. 339 00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:45,797 Come on, RJ. 340 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,408 I got to kill these boner biters 341 00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:50,890 and get back to the monkey business. 342 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:54,154 Come on. 343 00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,764 Here... 344 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,332 If I were a dick, I'd say "I told you so." 345 00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:04,164 - Ooh. - Oh! 346 00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:06,166 Let's do this. 347 00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,393 This is without a doubt 348 00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:18,961 the most disgusting thing I've ever done. 349 00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,615 It's for a good cause, bro. 350 00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,312 The cause of getting laid. 351 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,749 Hey, you patsies aren't here to chat. 352 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:26,055 You're here to haul crab. 353 00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:27,100 Now get to it. 354 00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,841 Dude, those are on your junk! 355 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,321 Not for long. 356 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:35,238 Man overboard! 357 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:38,894 - Help me! - It's so gross, Miles! 358 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,417 The foam cannon! 359 00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,158 Get to the foam cannon! 360 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,425 It's not working! 361 00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:51,080 Then there's only one thing left to do. 362 00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,173 Okay. 363 00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:58,783 That sucked. 364 00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:01,743 I am never having sex again. 365 00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:02,744 Oh. Sorry. 366 00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,833 ♪ Scratch my way 367 00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,704 ♪ Claw my way 368 00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:09,446 ♪ Dig my way 369 00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:11,709 Excellent work, RJ. 370 00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:14,060 Best score in the entire class. 371 00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:16,714 That tutor must be working out really well for you. 372 00:16:43,176 --> 00:16:44,264 Mrs. K... 373 00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:47,919 Oh, yes, my sweet, sweet sugar bear. 374 00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:53,099 We're through. 375 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,579 But, Miles, let's not waste what little time 376 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,452 we still have left together. 377 00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:02,499 Look, lady, a trip to your patch 378 00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,459 turned my crotch into a shrimp shack. 379 00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:08,549 Happens once, crabs on me. 380 00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:11,639 Happens twice... 381 00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,684 totally gross. 382 00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:29,048 You'll always be my ice cream man. 383 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,493 Hey, Lily. 384 00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,583 Hey, um, do you mind if I ask you a question? 385 00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:45,629 Yeah, as long as it's not about that special Friday night 386 00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,850 when RJ tickles your intestines. 387 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:49,851 I'm just busting your labia. 388 00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,505 Of course that's what 389 00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,289 you're asking me about. 390 00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:54,899 Shoot. 391 00:17:54,943 --> 00:17:57,598 Well, what do I need to know? 392 00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,774 I mean, this is my first time. 393 00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,080 Say what? 394 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,256 I thought you were a total slut. 395 00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,562 Why does everybody think that? 396 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,174 This is gonna be like taking a jackhammer to a Barbie doll. 397 00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:12,178 - I know, I mean, - RJ isn't exactly average. 398 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,702 Speaking from personal experience, 399 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:17,531 the only reason I was able to handle RJ was because... 400 00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,968 well, "B," I was half dead... 401 00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:23,624 and, "B" my pelvis was shattered 402 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:27,671 into, like, a million little pieces so... 403 00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:30,500 Wait a minute. 404 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:31,893 You two slept together? 405 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:52,348 I'm never gonna see another cannoli 406 00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:53,828 with getting half-chub again. 407 00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:56,700 Oh, which reminds me, 408 00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:58,920 I think it's time for me to pass the boner baton to you. 409 00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:00,400 Tonight's the big night with Jenny, huh? 410 00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,358 Yeah, I guess so. 411 00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:03,359 I don't know. 412 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,056 I'm starting to think... 413 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,667 I've been wrong all along. 414 00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:10,497 And, you know, maybe Jenny's not the perfect girl after all. 415 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:11,933 What...? 416 00:19:11,976 --> 00:19:14,022 Hey, that is the pre-sex nerves talking. 417 00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,719 You're gonna do fine, bro. 418 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:18,809 Just breathe in and try not to put a hole through her stomach. 419 00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:20,202 Hey, asshole. 420 00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,509 You didn't tell her about us? 421 00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:25,207 And you didn't tell me you didn't tell her about us? 422 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,470 You better move to another life. 423 00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:28,863 You told her? 424 00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:31,822 She asked about your cherry, which is my trophy. 425 00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:33,172 I'd claw your eyes out 426 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,999 if I didn't know she was about to do it for me. 427 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:37,480 RJ? 428 00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,221 Hey. 429 00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:43,356 You lied to me? 430 00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,576 - No, I didn't... - I didn't lie to you. 431 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,927 It was more of a sin of omission. 432 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:52,234 Get him in a body bag! 433 00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,757 Body bag. 434 00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:57,370 You're supposed to be different from them. 435 00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:59,067 But you're not. 436 00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:05,247 You're not even worth it. 437 00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:09,730 Ooh. Aw... 438 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,688 My name is RJ Berger, 439 00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:14,387 and my life is literally breaking my heart. 440 00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,046 - Next on - The Hard Times Of RJ Berger. 441 00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,309 RJ, a lie is a lie. 442 00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,398 - Jenny and I are fighting. - I lied to her. 443 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,051 Lying is in your blood. 444 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,619 It is the one thing that all Berger men do well. 445 00:20:29,663 --> 00:20:32,535 - There's that name again. - Amy. 446 00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,233 Spending a lot of time with her lately, huh? 447 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:40,195 - She does not look happy. - Can we talk? 448 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:40,891 Why don't you go talk to your new tutor? 30599

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